LostInMarshes: in pain

[LostInMarshes]

told my roommate, as I sat there shaving off my zoloft pill, "Can you believe it's taken me 3 years to do this? And probably 3 more years to go?"

She takes an antidepressant and a benzo. She's a nice roommate but I don't much enjoy conversing with her, because she trails off into unrelated anecdotes, laughs, giggles, is bubbly and super talkative, which tires me. She's almost never said anything of substance. I wanted to tell her that I'm this way because

 

of antidepressants. I don't feel judged by her, but just wanted to get it out into the open.

 

She said, "Is it because you're psychologically dependent on it?"

No, I said, it's because I'm physically dependent on it. It changes the structure of the brain.

I was not very convincing... forming words and sentences, and sounding confident, I have trouble with. She's great at talking.

Then I told her, "If you ever, for some reason, need to get off the psychotropics, please don't do it cold turkey."

She was happy-go-lucky, trailed off into some story about some other person, and at the end of the story said that her psychiatrist told her to go cold turkey off one medication in the past, which she did.

She went to a terrific university, too... If blind obedience to authority is what it teaches, then, maybe it's not so great.

 

Won't be bringing this up with her again.

[oops44]

hello stormstrong 

 

I've been reading your intro over the last few days. little bits at a time is all I can handle before I have to stop.  it pains me to see a girl as lost and alone as you.  it seems your mind is eating its self alive.  please try to get out of your head, it doesn't look like a fun place for you to be right now.  It really doesn't have to be just you and the void.  there are many people here who feel the same as you to varying degrees, count me as one of them, and we all want to help.  unfortunately there is a catch: you have to help us help you.  try to engage with the people who come to talk to you in your thread. I can't speak for everyone else but its painfully obvious to me you're in need of support and companionship.  don't let your mind keep you from seeking out what you need most right now. don't freeze up or hesitate. if you allow that to continue nothing changes, and we are all here because we want change. 

 

while browsing your thread I've seen you make mention of most of the things you see holding you back.  this is encouraging.  it tells me you know what you need to do.  try focusing less on your withdrawal symptoms and more on overcoming the obstacles in the way of your happiness.

 

I don't want to intrude too much but how are the open house interviews going?  from experience I know starting up again after a spell can be intimidating.  know that we were all built for overcoming anything in our way.  all we have to do is trust ourselves.

 

"a ship in harbor is safe.... but thats not what ships are built for"

 

hope all your todays are all better than your yesterdays

[LostInMarshes]

Hello, oops44. Thank you for reaching out to me. Allow me to respond after I get this out...

 

I've been functioning poorly for the past 2 weeks. Agoraphobia is back, I sleep until 2pm, not eating well. Stopped attending training. Thought it was something elusive, but remember that I went to a neurologist on 8/30, and asked for a Sumatriptan prescription for ocular migraines. It's a migraine med that worked well for me 10 years ago, though these two meds could cause serotonin syndrome. I didn't know it works on serotonin. 10 yrs ago my Zoloft dose was stable and even increasing, not decreasing or tapering. Could it be that my system is having this reaction because of some strange interaction now that I'm shedding this neurotoxin?

Destabilized. 

[LostInMarshes]

On 9/12/2019 at 6:30 PM, oops44 said:

hello stormstrong 

 

I've been reading your intro over the last few days. little bits at a time is all I can handle before I have to stop.  it pains me to see a girl as lost and alone as you.  it seems your mind is eating its self alive.  please try to get out of your head, it doesn't look like a fun place for you to be right now.  It really doesn't have to be just you and the void.  there are many people here who feel the same as you to varying degrees, count me as one of them, and we all want to help.  unfortunately there is a catch: you have to help us help you.  try to engage with the people who come to talk to you in your thread. I can't speak for everyone else but its painfully obvious to me you're in need of support and companionship.  don't let your mind keep you from seeking out what you need most right now. don't freeze up or hesitate. if you allow that to continue nothing changes, and we are all here because we want change. 

 

while browsing your thread I've seen you make mention of most of the things you see holding you back.  this is encouraging.  it tells me you know what you need to do.  try focusing less on your withdrawal symptoms and more on overcoming the obstacles in the way of your happiness.

 

I don't want to intrude too much but how are the open house interviews going?  from experience I know starting up again after a spell can be intimidating.  know that we were all built for overcoming anything in our way.  all we have to do is trust ourselves.

 

"a ship in harbor is safe.... but thats not what ships are built for"

 

hope all your todays are all better than your yesterdays

 

oops44,

Hi again.

I'll try.

Oh, I'm not a girl. I'm your age. And I'm not lost.

Good news, I was hired. Back to working, in 4 years. Feels wonderful. Vocational rehab paid off. It paid off because I have more strength, now that I'm 3 years into my taper. I'm coming back to life.

It's only two days a week right now, working with injured birds. Did well on my internship. I'm glad I went into animal care, because I don't have to wonder whether or not my colleagues have good hearts. It's very fast paced and hectic place. I hope my brain keeps up.

I want to apply to that other job, a doggy daycare place. If I can work even only 4 days a week, I won't have to depend on my abuser any longer.

 

Oh, I feel better since getting a proper multivitamin daily supplement.

 

Daytime fatigue is horrible.

[oops44]

hey stormstrong that sounds really good its a good update I like good updates :^)

 

8 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

I'm coming back to life.

thats what its all about right there.  there was a period of time where I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines while life passed me by.  it was actually withdrawal that woke me up to it, but after that realization I felt like I was coming back to life again as well.  its a good feeling.

 

I must admit im kind of jealous, I always wanted to work with animals when I was a kid especially dogs.  they're much better people than people.  if you have the chance to work with them you should give it a shot.  you never know until you try, plus working with puppies and leaving abusive people behind sounds like a win/win to me.  

 

it seems options are beginning to open themselves to you now that you're getting out there.  don't let them pass you by.  grab all of them you can.

are the supplements in your signature the ones you're taking now?  im always curious about supplements but afraid to try them for fear of messing up what little stability I currently have but its hard to ignore the benefits some have with them.  im glad you found some that work for you.

 

sounds like things are going well.  keep up the good work and keep us updated too.

 

all the best

[LostInMarshes]

Hi oops44. I'll reply shortly. Hope you're doing ok. 

 

I'm laying with a light therapy lamp in front of my face. Mood has been plummeting for the past month. It's better when I'm at work, the 2-3 days I'm there. I do not know if it's the combination of sudden lack of community and constant interaction I had at vocational rehabilitation institute (graduation is in 2 weeks), seasonal change and withdrawal, that has got me feeling flat, empty, suffocating, tense, miserable, completely not myself. Appetite hasn't been good, so I've been wasting $ on ordering food. I think I've lost a couple of pounds. 

 

😢

 

edit: I've been addicted to gaming again, as a way to compensate for the loneliness and lack of community. A beloved text-based MUD... Hating myself for it. 

[oops44]

ooh a light box, eh?  do you find it helpful?  some years ago I was looking into light therapy for my skin, as I am prone to breaking out in the odd rash every now and again.  usually they are stress related and as usual the doctors were no help so I was exploring every alternative I could find.  never did get around to buying one though but they came highly recommended.  now that I think about it, its been a few years so im about due for another mystery rash.  ah, good times....

 

im sorry to hear you're feeling down, especially after you were feeling good just a few weeks ago.  dont let it get you frustrated though gotta just keep on keepin on.  speaking of which, now that you have almost finished your vocational rehabilitation (CONGRATULATIONS) and scored a new job (career maybe????), have you given any thought to what your next move is gonna be?  goals are important to have.  no matter how insignificant a goal may seem it still gives us a purpose, and a purpose can be an immensely powerful thing.

 

you're doing great.  I hope you do even better.

 

oh ya..... winter.  ya winter is a beautiful and bitter thing.  it can drag the best of us down.  me personally, I find its one of those things (among many) that I can love or hate depending on my mood.  the same gentle snowfall I sit and admire from my window one minute can make me feel as if im trapped indoors until its over the next.  tricky stuff.  it really is a beautiful season though nothing else quite like it.

[LostInMarshes]

hello, blank post.

been holding for two months on a dose.

feeling like **** about myself nearly 24/7.

yuckiness inside that is not going away. despite years of therapy. Monica Cassani wrote that psychotropics embed trauma like nothing else.

it's really difficult.

two women said that I have beautiful hair. I wanted to laugh at them. my hair is ugly to me.

 

I'm settling into my role at work, which even involves delegating tasks... but...

I was invited to co-worker holiday parties twice, and declined both times, though I'm -dying- for such things. because I feel like I have to approve of the work I'm doing 100% before I can mingle with co-workers in such a fashion. I haven't accepted myself and the work I do. I feel ashamed. I make mistakes all the time.

 

I saw a friend from high school tonight. haven't seen her in 17 years. so much has changed, I feel...

the whole time she was looking at me with this look in her eyes that said, "Are you still unhappy?". When I briefed her on my antidepressant story and vocational rehabilitation, she did actually say, "So you are happy now. That's good! Life is too short." She is one of those people that is always about "Be happy!". She hasn't changed. So many people are like that. I felt that I had to hide a big part of myself, and all the suffering I went through, and all the shadows I've seen and been intimate with. Seeing her brought me both joy and pain. It's yet another thing that makes me feel like **** about me.

 

oops44 - I'll be honest. At times when I know that someone posted a response to me on my thread, I suddenly disappear and delay answering for as long as I can. I can't explain why, as of yet. This makes me feel like ****, too.

 

I FEEL LIKE **** ABOUT ME.

 

[oops44]

its ok, I have troubles socializing too so I understand what youre saying.  also good for you taking the bull by the horns and being honest with me, and most importantly yourself, about it.  we're all just lonely internet friends here 🤪 dont let us scare you!  share with us when you like and if you like, and dont when you can't.  as long as you try there is (generally) never a good reason to be down on yourself about it.  of course ive never let that stop me before..... 🙃

 

theres no nice way to say this part so im just going to say it:  when you do things like attending social gatherings or meeting with old high school friends there is always the chance it could make you feel like **** about yourself, but if you dont at least try those things you will feel like **** about yourself every.  single.  time.

 

if you ever again find yourself feeling like **** about yourself for holding at a dose just think of me and my current forty month hold, and then keep holding for as long as you damn well want to.

 

its good to hear from you.  keep workin at workin out the kinks.

[LostInMarshes]

Dear oops44, I'll reply to you today, in a little bit. I'd be a fool to pass up an opportunity to make a friend on here.

 

Sad update on my tapering. I'm having the first major withdrawal effects. Why, because I wanted to see what it would be like if I tapered twice as fast as usual, last month. What have I been experiencing for the last three days?

- Fever at night with chills, then hot as hell in morning and afternoon. Sweating right now.

- Semi-migraines, which I'm preventing with Excedrin, daily

- General malaise.

 

****

[LostInMarshes]

Sorry, really struggling. Why didn't I ask my intuition before tapering the double? Why? Now I'm sick 24/7. I'm freezing, then am sweating, then wake up drenched in sweat, I had one of the worst migraines yesterday, I have stomach cramps and diarrhea, nausea, little appetite, not much strength to be on my feet, body "zaps", constant fever and thirst, greatly reduced functioning... I'm out of clean bed sheets and sleeping on one's that smell musty, of old sweat... Can't enjoy much of anything... 

Tonight is the long-awaited holiday staff party with the Secret Santa game.... God give me the strength to go. Heaven knows I don't want to go anywhere. 

I want to scream. 

[Junglechicken]

14 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

Sorry, really struggling. Why didn't I ask my intuition before tapering the double? Why? Now I'm sick 24/7. I'm freezing, then am sweating, then wake up drenched in sweat, I had one of the worst migraines yesterday, I have stomach cramps and diarrhea, nausea, little appetite, not much strength to be on my feet, body "zaps", constant fever and thirst, greatly reduced functioning... I'm out of clean bed sheets and sleeping on one's that smell musty, of old sweat... Can't enjoy much of anything... 

Tonight is the long-awaited holiday staff party with the Secret Santa game.... God give me the strength to go. Heaven knows I don't want to go anywhere. 

I want to scream. 

 

Hi Storm,

 

I saw your post yesterday.....

 

Having just hit the 19 month mark of being off Lexapro, over the last 3-4 days I haven't felt well and have most of the symptoms you mention above.

 

I think Brass identified that around 18 months, protracted WD is likely to hit as a wave.

 

Sending hugs your way,

 

JC

[LostInMarshes]

Junglechicken - thank you for the word of support. How are you doing now?

 

I should've posted an update a while ago. Great news is that all of those symptoms went away about a week after I posted, as I was hoping would happen. I just needed to shave the zoloft 15 times less, and since its half-life is a week and a half, in a week and a half the new "configuration" kicked into my brain, and the symptoms went away. So I'll stick to this pace for a while. It's the pace I've kept for over a year now, anyway: shave down 15 extra times every two months. 

 

Mulling over the process:

I know that right now, the process seems very easy. I read that tapering will be this way until I get down to the micro doses. I read that people suddenly break down emotionally and need to cry and cry and cry, and shed all sorts of things. I know that when time comes to that, I will be ready. And after tapering to zero and getting as well as I can, I will meet Pachamama. And after I meet her, I will be ready for romantic relationships. And the life of my dreams. All of it in tandem with service to the greatest good and self-actualization and self-mastery.

 

I know it. I feel fortunate....very much so. 

 

Other Updates:

 

- I haven't seen my therapist for almost a month, due to health insurance problems. This has affected my functioning adversely. I can feel how it has affected my brain chemistry. Scary. Not having an anchor of a supportive human being that unconditionally listens to me, once a week, has been torture and my inner turbulence has been so much greater than usual... turbulence I can't vocalize or visualize... as usual.... 

- I still have the shining beacon of my life - my work. I still work 3 days a week. The rest of the time I'm pulled down by a very familiar inertia that has me stay at home all of the time, mostly on the computer, playing video games and reading. At 40, I'm still easily addicted to gaming, and it gives me great shame. This addiction comes around during winter, like clockwork, and has me seek out spacious, green, lush outdoors in video games - that which I can't have IRL. I've tried to kill the addiction again and again, but it always returns. 

- My life right now is ying and yang - the positivity and life-giving world that is my job, and the shadow, isolation, confusion and turbulence that is my home and time alone. Hmm. 

- I experience great pain (among all the other inner pains) because my psyche yearns to express itself creatively, but cannot, yet... It has desires, wants that I cannot name….It misses things all the time that I cannot name.... On top of that, it has the added horror of the realization that time is passing by faster.

 

[LostInMarshes]

Oh, by the way, Beyond Meds, is gone... I can't believe it's gone. It's been my lighthouse for the past few years.... It had wisdom I could never find anywhere else. And now it's gone. I contacted Monica Cassani about it... that didn't go well. She's hurting a lot. 

 

:,(

[manymoretodays]

Hi Stormstrong,

I hope MC is okay.  Yes, I really liked following along there as well, and oh boy, lot's of good information there too.  It's not totally gone.

 

Did you get the instructions on how to find old posts/blogs from EverythingMatters: Beyond Meds?

 

If you know the topic title or subject, you can put that in and then add bipolarblast.wordpress.com, and still access the site contents that way.

Just use your main browser.

 

That works okay for me.  It's a bit slower, than when I could just go to the site, but it does provide access to old content.

 

Oh, we have a post in Off Topic about the change too:

Beyondmeds.com

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited March 8, 2020 by manymoretodays

[LostInMarshes]

On 3/7/2020 at 10:43 PM, manymoretodays said:

Hi Stormstrong,

I hope MC is okay.  Yes, I really liked following along there as well, and oh boy, lot's of good information there too.  It's not totally gone.

 

Did you get the instructions on how to find old posts/blogs from EverythingMatters: Beyond Meds?

 

If you know the topic title or subject, you can put that in and then add bipolarblast.wordpress.com, and still access the site contents that way.

Just use your main browser.

 

That works okay for me.  It's a bit slower, than when I could just go to the site, but it does provide access to old content.

 

Oh, we have a post in Off Topic about the change too:

Beyondmeds.com

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Thank you for seeing my post, Mmt, and thank you for the reply! I'm now following the Beyondmeds topic... did not realize you had one. What a relief that the blog is back. 

[LostInMarshes]

I've been on my lower dose of Zoloft for a bit over two weeks. On verge of tears, depressed more than usual, sorta drowsy. Haven't been able to force myself to do laundry or call about my health insurance... not motivated to help myself... only thing I've been able to do is go to work. Not having my therapist is indeed making everything so much harder.

 

Work brings up many feelings of inadequacy, shame... I've had more than one person tell me that I really lack confidence... and to reassure me that I'm doing okay... but the latter works for only a while, until I need that reassurance again. It's a family-like environment and people talk. I'm much older than majority of my co-workers, and it's an entry level job in the field. Maybe I've written about these things here already. Yesterday I was depressed and jealous of the confidence a much younger co-worker had... I wasn't thinking, and asked him to reassure me that I was doing okay. Another staff member overheard and.... My reputation as a staff member with some sort of inner demons will probably be talked about. 

 

I know that I'm being torn apart by these grueling inner forces because there is a frozen pain body that needs to be heard, needs to be expressed.... Which zoloft's brain damage is keeping at bay, locked away. Goes back to the shame I learned as a child, molested by a parent.... To the feeling of being inadequate that my mother imparted to me in her verbal abuse. Eating away at me.

 

Much still feels insurmountable, but more miracles are on the way, I know it. But still, it hurts, unbelievably much, to not feel that my life is a loss. That here I am, at 40, left by the person who I believe was the love of my life, because I'm too broken... because I'm too poor... And I'm suddenly, for the first time in my life, jealous of other people. I'm jealous of married couples, of big extended families, of people that make good money (which I don't understand how they even come by), people that have money and inner resources for universities... I'm just jealous of everyone that is not me. 

 

And how can I not want to cry, when I think of what my life, so far, has been? That I barely got to live my life before I was beaten by it, very cruelly, and fell away into an obscurity, not yet really having gotten to live it; or to accomplish much of anything at all? (I did get to love, though.) 

 

My theory is that an intelligent species that is cruel to one another (which is evident in existence of the poor, or in treatment of the disabled, etc) is to expect extinction, in the end. Cruelty is a symptom of diseased imbalance; a fatal error inside of a civilization. This is my saving grace, to be honest. That the society that has treated all of us so cruelly, will implode on itself. 

[LostInMarshes]

Today is a devastating day. I'm crying. The rug feels like it's being swept from under me. The job that was the first ever to make me happy, that which I worked hard for, is considering laying off 75% of its workers. Suddenly, the sombre metropolis that has brought me so many pivotal relationships and massive spiritual growth, is now a war zone. Nearly 20 years that I'm here. I always wondered when the universe would nudge me to move on from this place. I'm afraid that the nudging is starting to pull my sleeve now. Unless I'm wrong. if I had to guess what the universe had in store for me from now on, it would be that I would pack my bags and move back in with the parent that abused me the most, because he's the only safety net I really have. Unless life is planning something much worse for me. Honestly I thought everything would get so much better. I knew that civilization collapse was at our doorstep, but I did not think it would happen so fast.

 

multiply the above by billions of people all over the globe = primal fear

 

Edit: If anyone reads this and doesn't understand, I'm talking about the Coronavirus pandemic and the absolutely devastating effect on the economy

 

Somehow I have to strengthen my connection to the divine....need it now almost more than ever

[brassmonkey]

If you get laid off you should be able to collect unemployment and many local governments are setting up safety net programs. Don't get too freaked out you have options.

[LostInMarshes]

On 3/20/2020 at 1:49 AM, brassmonkey said:

If you get laid off you should be able to collect unemployment and many local governments are setting up safety net programs. Don't get too freaked out you have options.

 

Hi brassmonkey. Thanks. I still have my job, which is deemed essential. Being able to collect unemployment and etc is besides the point. When a person is laid off, the damage is already done.

 

There was an article I read, which I can't find now - European countries are taking great measures to ensure that their working citizens remain employed and salaried even through the pandemic. Why - because the countries understand that to lay someone off and put them on unemployment insurance is to destroy a well-being and a sense of self. Being continuously employed is extremely important to quality of life.

 

I appreciated having read that article. It illuminated an area I was not aware of. I am now sensitive to one more issue.

[LostInMarshes]

I am okay, hanging in here. Having my job, though I still work part-time (I worked two double shifts last week and am surprised that I can function so well) is doing wonders for my overall "mental" health. However, I've been very sleepy. Taking long naps. I find myself particularly sleepy when seasons change (anyone else?), and when I proceed with tapering.

[LostInMarshes]

Thought this was worth sharing... Gripped by sudden terror. Feel like I want to scream and cry into all the ends of the earth. Both paralyzing terror and deep grief. It came up on me out of the blue, right as I was finishing eating my healthy oatmeal. Before this I felt pretty good. I'm about two and a half weeks into my lower Zoloft dose, but why out of the blue?

 

Raging inside of me. Like a dozen piranhas eating my psyche. It's hard to breathe in and out. There's even some chest pain.

 

Edit: Like I was literally punched hard in the stomach. Recoiling in pain, both physical and emotional. I.do.not.know.what.this.is.

 

Another thing worth sharing is that there is a craving to give to the world in a very creative way, to express my soul. I feel it nearly daily. And the agony of not YET having the inner strength to follow through.

 

[Altostrata]

Excellent description of a wave in withdrawal syndrome.

 

When was the last time you reduced Zoloft? How much are you taking now?

 

If you're already having withdrawal symptoms, it's advisable not to continue to taper, you're likely to make them worse.

 

From your signature:

Quote

November 2018-current: Zoloft: 85mg-ish mg. Symptoms: Fatigue, tachycardia (heart beats very fast, at least once a day, particularly upon consumption of caffeine, or after eating), chills, strange sensations in legs, bodily heat regulation problems, frequent thirst, terror, trouble meditating and reading, excessive yawning, occasional burning of nerves in extremities during sleep, fever, chills, malaise.

 

Are you still shaving Zoloft? This is an inexact method of tapering that gets more inexact the lower you go in dosage.

 

Can you get a prescription for liquid sertraline so you can taper more accurately?

 

Did you ever try fish oil and magnesium? Many people find them helpful, see
https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

[LostInMarshes]

On 4/7/2020 at 9:01 PM, Altostrata said:

Excellent description of a wave in withdrawal syndrome.

 

When was the last time you reduced Zoloft? How much are you taking now?

 

If you're already having withdrawal symptoms, it's advisable not to continue to taper, you're likely to make them worse.

 

From your signature:

 

Are you still shaving Zoloft? This is an inexact method of tapering that gets more inexact the lower you go in dosage.

 

Can you get a prescription for liquid sertraline so you can taper more accurately?

 

Did you ever try fish oil and magnesium? Many people find them helpful, see
https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

 

Thank you, Altostrata.

It was not a wave. I have not experienced a wave yet. It was a panic attack that has to do with one video game. The last time I had a panic attack was over a year ago - the last time I attempted to play the same video game. It is bizarre. I wish I could explain it. The video game is extremely popular and loved, but I can't play it. It's dark and somber through and through. Other people are not affected by the darkness as I am. I can't understand it.

I know that it was a panic attack because I was gripped by this panic the whole day. It subsided after I let go of the video game.

 

Last time I reduced Zoloft was 3/18, so nearly a month ago. I'm taking somewhere around 70mg.

 

I haven't been having any significant withdrawal symptoms that make it hard to function, such as going to work. No akathisia, thank god.

 

Yes, I am still shaving Zoloft. That is, until I get to 50mg. From then on, I hope to find a compounding pharmacy that gives a damn (tried to get liquid Zoloft once before, and the pharmacists at the compounding pharmacy nearly ******* laughed at me. I was intimidated and left.) or to obtain those famous tapering strips. I absolutely do not plan to do inaccurate tapering beyond 30mg.

 

I do take chelated magnesium and fish oil.

 

Thank you for giving us SA.

 

[LostInMarshes]

honestly, I wish that I "wasn't". wasn't here. wasn't me.

My early life promised so much.

Now there's barely anything.

Now I'm at the lowest rung of the ladder. Because my cognitive functioning won't allow me more.

I wish I could be like one of those people that say, "But because I have my family, it's all worth it" or "Because I have so many friends that care for me, it's worth it."

No, I do not have that. I don't know what I have, any more.

 

The shame is so unbearable, it wants to eat me alive. Anyone that has known me, knows of my immense emotional issues.

Tonight, I spoke to pretty much my only friend on the phone. I asked him if it's a good idea for me to tell my boss that the reason I don't speak much around her is because I've had bad experiences with bosses/authority figures. He was tired of my neediness and let his guard down, which is very rare for him to do. "Does she know that you have emotional issues?"

he said this in the same tone of voice as, "Does she know that you have leprosy?".

And then, "I would hold off on doing that. You don't want her to be your mother or therapist," echoing the hardest parts of his friendship with me.

 

Now I recall... He told me once that it's really staggering how many people there are on this planet with emotional issues. I now realize he was also speaking about me.

 

So this is how he really sees me.

This is how many people see me.

Only I am the last person to realize this. Because to realize it is to be killed by the realization.

The shame is unbearable.

 

This is who I am: a beauty that held much promise and love for the world, fading into obscurity and destitution with each passing day.

 

p.s.: someone I know gave me Clonazepam the day of my panic attack. I took it. I felt terrific the next day. Something felt "right" in my brain. Two days later, I find myself in emotional agony. I feel flat. Extremely needy. I'm crying. I should not have taken a psychotropic when trying to withdraw from my last one. Please god, never again.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hey @Stormstrong, wanted to say that I hear you. I go there too sometimes and it is a dark place. Sending you good vibes and so impressed with how much you've cut Zoloft... that was the drug I was on and it is a beast. Hang in there.

[Altostrata]

Maybe you should not play that video game?

 

Please see

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

[LostInMarshes]

On 4/16/2020 at 1:44 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Hey @Stormstrong, wanted to say that I hear you. I go there too sometimes and it is a dark place. Sending you good vibes and so impressed with how much you've cut Zoloft... that was the drug I was on and it is a beast. Hang in there.

 

@FarmGirlWorks this meant a lot. It just did.

---

 

The good: Yesterday I did gardening work. It's an extra project I signed up for. I'll be doing this in the coming weeks. Pruning, trimming, raking up dead sticks and leaves is symbolic of what I am striving to do inwardly. It is powerfully restorative, at least for one day. 🥀🌳

 

The bad: Today is Monday, and I was looking forward to using this day to finally tackle some loose ends, especially laundry. I felt in good spirits and motivated, especially after yesterday's gardening, for about an hour or two after waking. Then I started to feel lonely, trapped, confused, agitated. And uncomfortable, as I'm feeling cold all day. And disappointed, because I was sure that maybe taking a walk outside would give me extra fuel. But I'm afraid to go out. 

So all of my plans for today are scrapped. And I'm back to being at the bottom of a barrel. I feel incredibly disappointed in myself again. And will likely finish this day by not brushing my teeth, as a **** you to myself.

 

I don't understand this dynamic.

[LostInMarshes]

It's been a month since my last post here?

 

Thought of the day: There is no area of my life that doesn't scream "Defeat". It's everywhere. From the big things to the little things, everything is broken.

 

If I play by ordinary rules, my life is one huge, miserable defeat.

 

It's nearly counterintuitive to hold on despite all the defeat... To hold on to faint, shimmering faith. But that is what must be

 

Ordinary physics don't apply...

Ordinary outcomes don't apply 

[LostInMarshes]

Honestly feel like besides my therapist and my one real friend, no one cares for my existence. I bet there are tons of people feeling like I am. Doesn't make it any better. Some will say that I need to make an effort to socialize, but I don't have energy to do so. at all. It has to be neuro.

 

My roommate hates my guts and I hate hers, and I don't know when this will end. This is doing a number on my mental state. I'm agoraphobic again.

 

I'm dying for a vacation from everything. A reset. But there's no place I can go or afford.

 

On a physical note, sometimes I get really lightheaded with no explanation. Just realized that it could be due to withdrawal.

[LostInMarshes]

It hurts me so much. The fact that:

my roommate (who, from everything I have seen and sensed and observed and intuited for the past two years, is not a beautiful person - and I have met beautiful souls before) takes such good care of herself and her surroundings; treating herself like the world's most expensive treasure. Even though inwardly, she is anything but.

 

And I, having been told so many times that I have a beautiful, kind, gentle, sensitive soul, treat myself so incredibly horribly. Like trash.

If anyone actually deserves good self-care and self-respect, it should be me. 

[LostInMarshes]

Two days ago at work, a volunteer dropped a ceramic dish, it made a loud sound, and I screamed just as loudly. I don't know why I did. Those ceramic dishes get dropped a lot and no one ever screams. I'm certain that it was a neuro reaction to overstimulation. 

 

I could sense (I can't explain it, but I tend to be tuned into brainwaves, sometimes) that people were wondering what the hell is wrong with me, but no one said anything and neither did I, resuming my work. People there already think I'm weird and odd, (not exaggerating - I heard a co-worker tell a newer co-worker how unpredictable I am (in an eccentric way) directly after I decided to call over another co-worker and teach him how to count to ten in my language (because he taught me how to do it in his language the day before, unbeknownst to the former coworker). And afterwards she was grinning/chuckling and saying "Everyone that works here is so weird...")).

 

and I've given them plenty to gossip about by oversharing things because I'm so lonely.

 

How do I carry on? Anyone?... How do I carry on knowing they must think I'm a nutcase? As so many other workplaces have?

[Hanna72]

@Stormstrong

Hi, just read your post.

3 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

and I've given them plenty to gossip about by oversharing things because I'm so lonely.

You know it’s in human nature to gossip. We can not avoid hearing this often, but we can choose how we react to it. Ignoring is my method. You can not change people, but you can change your own reaction to it.

3 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

and I've given them plenty to gossip about by oversharing things because I'm so lonely

They might just think you are that interesting😉

3 hours ago, Stormstrong said:

How do I carry on? Anyone?... How do I carry on knowing they must think I'm a nutcase?

Know this, there is nothing wrong with you. You carry on by ignoring your own self talk in how you believe others see you. 
This is your life, your journey through life, be yourself in any shape and form YOU wish. Hold your head up high and be confident in the person you are.

I often say that I love how different everyone is. That’s what makes life interesting and fun.

All the best to you🙏

 

[LostInMarshes]

@Hanna72

I haven't been getting notifications when someone replies on my thread here...

Thank you for this support... I found your outlook refreshingly simple, and simply positive...

I will need to come back to your words time and time again. Think it best to print them out.

 

I saw that you took a hiatus from posting on this forum, shortly after replying to me. 

May the universe make your recovery as stress free and simple as you wrote you wanted. And thank you for this little gem of cleansing simplicity

[LostInMarshes]

Update:

Not doing great.

 

My recent monthly taper just kicked in. Heavy depression, fatigue. I'm actually nowhere close to 50mg. It feels like I'm stuck at 85ish mg, or whatever it is. I just know that I can't go any faster than 15 shavings a month. 

 

I haven't had any human touch for about a month. 

I have trouble forming words because I go so long without regular conversation. It's always super embarrassing at work. 

I watch movies to feel like I'm a part of the human family; part of people who love and care for me. 

 

My cognitive impairment problems are still here, forcing me to remain at minimum wage. All of my co-workers doing similar work have had a raise... and they're all like 20 years younger than me. @Hanna72reminding myself to keep your words close to my heart.

 

In midst of all this pain, I have to find a new apartment by October. My roommate is a toxic narcissist without any empathy. Another narcissist that I invited to live with me, in less than ten years. First one was a sociopath. This one is not budging. I have to be the one to move. My estranged family will help me finance the move, once I find a place. When will I ever live in peace? I've been staying at two other places for past month...house sitting at one, cat sitting at another. When these assignments are up, how will I function in such a triggering living situation? How will I function enough to be able to motivate myself to pack everything, sell what I don't need? Without giving in to her sickening need to suck my blood? GOD HELP ME.

 

Everything is so hard. Summer is ending. Not looking forward to anything :,( :,( :,(

[LostInMarshes]

Forgot to mention a painful aspect of neuro loneliness that revealed itself when I had a vacation a month ago: 

 

I wanted to get away from the worries of my life, but instead felt intensely lonely... even lonelier than before.

 

It's being at a lush, sunny spot of nature and ocean and being unable to fully relax, because you feel so lonely all the time, wanting to share the experience with someone. I drove my friend crazy, calling him several times a day just to chat about nothing. 

 

It's also being at a beautiful beach and feeling hauntingly lonely, unable to relate to people around you and their ability to converse at ease; their tight-knit families, their circles of friends...

 

Journaling (talking to a blank sheet of paper) helped ease the pain a little bit.