AnaTheCat: SSRI story from Poland

[ChessieCat]

Hi Ana,

 

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are.

 

If you are seriously suicidal, you need to find help where you live, either a suicide hotline or face to face.  SA is not able to provide this kind of support.

 

I found this information on the internet which may be useful for you.

 

Olsztynski Telefon Zaufania 'Anonimowy Przyjaciel
OLSZTYN
Contact by: - Phone - Letter:
Hotline: 52 70 000
Hotline: 52 70 988
Website: pomoctel.free.ngo.pl
E-mail Helpline: pomoctel@free.ngo.pl
24 Hour service:

[peng]

Best wishes Ana!!

 

I love the mountains here, and hate the dreary rainy weather when it is around, and we get plenty in Scotland.  A couple of hours in the sunshine and smelling the clean air will boost you, perhaps.

Rest assured, many of us can relate to your type of struggle.  Stick at it.

 

XOX

[Altostrata]

Ana, how exactly did your taper of trazodone fail?

[JanCarol]

Ana, if your suicidal thoughts are a normal human experience (most people have them at some point or another) the best thing you can do is find a compassionate listener who asks good questions and helps you get to the root of those thoughts.

 

Lacking that, we are only an internet forum, and cannot do crisis intervention.  We are not, and do not have, a clinic for people in distress.  If the distress is pressing, it is important that you get face to face help - or at least call a phone hotline.

 

Sometimes just the talking, and being listened to, helps you resolve your fixation on suicidal ideation.  Sometimes it takes more.

For me, suicide and death have walked alongside me for so long, that it's almost comfortable.  "Oh, you again." Not alarming, just "You again."

 

But I'm 14,000 miles away from you, and have to consider that your expression of suicidal desires may be serious.  Please seek local help, or at least talk to an emergency hotline via the phone.  Some of them are quite good, and have saved the lives of friends of mine.  They are usually anonymous, and you can take their advice or not.

 

But the thing is, keeping it inside, keeping it "secret" only feeds it and makes it stronger.  I'm not discouraging you from talking about suicide - often, it is a normal part of healing.  But it is important that you have outlets for these thoughts and feelings, that are more direct, more real, than disembodied voices on the internet.

[JanCarol]

So reinstating 25 mg trazadone eased your symptoms?  

 

Can you please update your signature (we don't need symptoms in your sig so much as doses, dates, drugs, and changes to those drugs) to include your taper, even if you feel it failed - and the date you reinstated?

 

Thank you.

[AnaTheCat]

Thanks for the support, I'm feeling better already. I was writing previous post when there was really no one around to talk to.

I tried tapering trazodone by droping the dose by 10%, maybe I messed up with something. I'm going the see a new doctor about it. It looks like paroxetine alone isn't enough anymore.

 

I had nice time in the mountains, yet I had hard time leaving. I'm not very fond of my job and my family, except for my mom and my cat. Getting back to them was never easy. This time, however, it was horror. I was crying most of the day on Sunday, fell a sleep about midnight. Cried most of yesterday as well. Fell into histeria for a while, when I couldn't hold my breath properly.

 

If my family situation was more stable, things would probably be easier.

[scallywag]

Ana, now that you're feeling better it would be a good time to make a list of people you can call and things you can do that would calm you. 

 

When I was afraid for myself, I contacted family members and friends and asked if they would be willing to take a call from me at unusual times or to let me stay overnight with them.  Having a list of people who were willing to help and their phone numbers made me feel MUCH better. I think just having the list helped me feel less alone.

[JanCarol]

Oh Ana, can you take any leave?  Sometimes just a day to ease the stress?

 

It's never easy to "come down" from holiday (if I understand you) - I sometimes have to sleep for a week.

 

Just today, I had 2 long days in a row, and I try not to beat myself up for sleeping, but it's hard to be still sleeping when the sun is going down. 

 

I guess what I'm saying is honor your body, it's telling you that rest and retreat is good for you - whenever, however possible.  

 

I hope you see the sun today.

[AnaTheCat]

Lots of fog today, but I actually like fog.

I'm feeling better, just a little melancholic. I shouldn't take a day off since I just got back after two weeks, plus - I really don't like my house, I mean - I don't like the building, plus it's not a "home". I'm going back and feel like walking away from it. Somwhere, anywhere. I'm getting ready to move out, I'll have to bear with it for a while.

Plus, I'm not doing much in free time. I should be studying, and stuff, but for now I rather wrap myself in a blanket and read books.

As for talking to someone - there's hardly anyone to talk to. Like I said, my mom is really supportive, but I stopped telling her everything. She's to much stressed already. My boyfriend knows everything, he's always there to listen, but I don't wanna turn him into some amateur psychologist. He's giving me a lot, and I can barely give him anything in this relationship. I'm thinking about some form of support group. I'm also going to another psychiatrist, who's also a psychologist. I know she keeps people on meds very short time, I think she'll by able to help with withdrawing. It seems like paroxetine isn't enough anymore. Without trazodone I feel the same as it was without paroxetine at all. Or maybe paroxetine is actually doing harm, and I should taper it first. I also read that paroxetine and trazodone antagonize with one another. That's just great, isn't it.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Ana,

 

It's good to hear that you are feeling a bit better.

 

The information in these links might be helpful.

 

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

[AnaTheCat]

Still here, but it's not a very pleasant existence. At least I'm able to work.

It's crap at home – I can barely stand this people. My idiotic stepfather, my almost 40 years old, good for nothing brother, even my mom – I'm now often thinking, that I wish they're gone. Even my boyfriend is now a burden, with half my feelings gone. My mom also has some issues that binds me with her, and that results in being burden for one another, both sides. I would really end up as a horrible person if I left her behind. Thoughts of her being gone already make me feel as such.

If I die, I'm gonna let at least the whole country know it's psychiatry that killed me the most.

I'm going to this new psychologist-shrink tommorow.

[peng]

Love and best wishes for you at this difficult time, Ana. OX

[AnaTheCat]

Alive and better. Better, most of the time. I wake up in crap mood, then it gets better. Last days though I felt completely inhumane. I lost feelings for my boyfriend and I'm playing that I didn't. All is left is memory of feelings. Plus, mood swings are killing me.

From time to time, I'm feel like dying which leads me to kinda talking to myself. "I wanna die", I think, and next is "No, you don't. You're about to move out. Dead people don't move out" and stuff.

This new doctor (psychologist-shrink) is amazing. Where the hell was she this six years ago? She said that she would recommend droping the dose after two years on paroxetine, max.

[AnaTheCat]

Ok, I'm getting ready to start dropping. Due to my new doctor's advice, I'm starting with paroxetine (10% drop), leaving trazodone as it is for now.

At last - I mean the dropping. Feeling inhumane intensifies.

The woman (doctor) gave me some good advice yesterday, though at first I felt messed up. I said I'm extremely tired and bored with my life, feeling pretty much like almost 30-years old good for nothing. Thing is, she pointed out that I'm stuck with sick family relations. "I look at you" - she said - "and I see harmed child. Children should not atone for parents sins, yet you seem to be a mother to your whole family, your mother, step-father, older brother; and you're on a straight way to mental breakdown." I admit... lately I'm having this thoughts about my family, like "do me a f****** favor and disappear! All of you!" Thuth told, I'm getting less and less ashamed for such thoughts. I'm almost thirty and I don't have a life. I'm going to change that.

[peng]

Ana, Good luck with your new doctor's advice.

[scallywag]

That doctor sounds like a real gem! I hope you can continue to see her for your medical care.

 

Sorting out family relationships is a challenge for many of us -- what do we want and need, how do ask for it. Wishing you wisdom and patience as you find your way.

[AliG]

Ana. Sometimes it can help to step away from the family dysfunction. Look after you at this time and leave the chaos behind you if you can . It is easier said than done but if you can manage it , then it can help to ease the load and perhaps be the start of a new beginning.

 

I hope you do manage to begin a new life. It sounds like you're at a turning point. 

 

Ali

[AnaTheCat]

It's been a week since 10% paroxetine drop. Life seems less boring already. Last week was rough at home - Ana this, Ana that, Ana, you're my only hope, bla bla bla. I stormed at my mom, which made her cry, but I felt better. Sorry, mom. You weren't willing to take this leash off of me so I ripped it off myself. I won't bear with parent sins anymore, especially since I'm financially independent.

However, feelings for my boyfriend are lost, completely. I believe they'll come back eventually, so I'm acting for now.

I'm still unable to study. Soon after I started school this year withdrawal symptoms came. Even simply looking at textbooks remind me of everything.

One question - ever since withdrawal syndrome I have this speaking problems - I talk, and suddenly I'm loosing sentence or start to sputter. I also often have problems with incohorently writing something down. Anyone had it?

[scallywag]

Ana, sometimes feelings for a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend decrease or disappear for a while when we're NOT on these medications. That's part of the cycle of a relationship and for me, it's the most significant part that is "work."

[AnaTheCat]

I wouldn't know that. What I know, is that I lost any interest in love life ever since SSRI meds appeared. What I learned during my withdrawal, is that I regained vivid emotions and feelings during that time. I lived several years as emotional zombie. Plus, I had that guy friendzoned for two years. I remember the moment he decided to confess to me, he came closer and grabbed my hand. I literally wrenched my hand free and jumped away of him. And yes, I developed feelings for him shortly after dropping the meds, so yes, I do blame them for loosing this feeling. I go by a memory of a feeling, and it's showing to be not enough, he likes to hug and stuff, and I'm sneaking away off his arms almost uncosciouly and I obviously can't help it. I look at him and feel nothing, I started to avoid him. I stopped missing him, I stopped wanting to see him, I don't want him to touch me even with a tip of his finger, I even started to focus on his flaws. Again, I blame meds and I don't dare to tell him all this, I don't think I can count on him to understand this and simply wait for it pass.

[AnaTheCat]

Ok, it's been three weeks after the drop. My feelings are coming back. Just a week ago it seems they're more gone than before I dropped. I want to see my bf finally. I don't have to act anymore. It's a relief. I also observe my transformation from a mean b**ch to normal, caring person. Those hideous thoughts about my mom lessen... though I still sometimes see her as a burden.

It feels like I got out of a cage of boredom and constant "get lost, you f...., no matter who you are, you're all the same to me".

[AnaTheCat]

So, after a month I've dropped another 10%. Last month was weird - I've experienced few rage attacks, few bad sleep nights and ugly dreams at night. Like I said, feelings loss and mean personality are getting better, yet still not all the time. I've grown to hate my job so bad, I literally started to hate my co-workers. My bf, well... there are still days when I look at him and think, that I despise that fat slob.

Most disturbing stuff is my family issue. Now I know I hate this people. I'm fed up with my mother's and my brother's neurosis, they're both refusing treatment for years now. I simply ran off compasion and understanding. Mom is mean, angry, sad, freaking afraid of something, all the time. She's a burden and I hate her, that's simple. She's become such a bother I'm wishing her to die. I mean it. I feel as if she was my unwanted, helpless baby, not mother.

[AnaTheCat]

I feel weird. Rage attacks stopped and these hideous thoughts about mom went away. I feel like regaining humanity, which is sometimes painful - I had few sad days, was crying a little. I think I will cease further dropping till January. Still, it feels like my brain got out of a cage of boredom and hatred. My b*tchy personality is burning away. Feelings toward my bf returned, I want to see him, I stopped escaping him whenever he wants to hug. I also started to excercise, weight training and swimming, I think it helps a lot.

What still bothers me, is memory of a time of withdrawal syndrome. I ran away from everything I was doing back then, so I dropped school. I can't even look at my texts. I started pursuing on some other goals, which seemed long forgotten.

Last but not least, I decided to quit my current job. This place is killing me.

Edit: I used to have an alcohol problem few years back. It was handled, but now I feel like drinking again. I actually did few times.

[AnaTheCat]

Lots of bad days lately. Dididn't feel like anything, lost interest about anything, alcohol made me feel even more down on myself (wchich is not bad, cause it stopped me from drinking). Felt like one big NOPE! Today's better finally.

I've started to draw - the only thing I kinda felt like doing. I can tell my drawing is improving quite fast which actually makes me feel better. Think I'm gonna start a comic about OCD and withdrawal every day life. Lots of ideas.

[AnaTheCat]

MY LIFE IS S*IT! S*IIIIIIIIT! I haven't made a move on withdrawing since last update. I hate everything and everyone. I wish painfull death for most people. I wish my family die. I've cought myself thinking about killing my mother. I hate her. I hate my coworkers. I hate my bf. Feel like pack some bags and run the hell away. I'm overworked basket case, obsessed with money, due to my good for nothing family causing nothing but financial problems all the time. I'm almost thirty years old scumbag who's never done anything good with her life. I'm a waste and I wish you all the best.

[Jayjohnny]

MY LIFE IS S*IT! S*IIIIIIIIT! I haven't made a move on withdrawing since last update. I hate everything and everyone. I wish painfull death for most people. I wish my family die. I've cought myself thinking about killing my mother. I hate her. I hate my coworkers. I hate my bf. Feel like pack some bags and run the hell away. I'm overworked basket case, obsessed with money, due to my good for nothing family causing nothing but financial problems all the time. I'm almost thirty years old scumbag who's never done anything good with her life. I'm a waste and I wish you all the best.

Welcome to the real world. Yes it often sucks so much especially when you're dealing with severe depression and anxiety and the drugs only seem to make everything worse! Clearly you have a lot of hatred in you but let me give you a small piece of advice-it does really NO good in the end but to make matters even worse in your miserable life. Believe I've been there and still am at times. You can hate almost everyone and everything it solves relatively nothing. Also if you happen to be overweight and out of shape and unattractive this only makes matters worse for you.

[Jayjohnny]

But justified hate is something altogether different. If you want to hate so much hate the scientists or chemists who created such toxic poisons to begin with-not even knowing how they actually work. Or hate the big drug companies who know all too well about the damage these things do and how many lives they can ruin or have ruined and yet continue to profit billions off of them. Or even hate most of the psychiatrists who like the drug companies know all about the dangers and hand them out like candy!

 

Now that would be justified hate!

[Jayjohnny]

And for the record I wasn't saying anyone on this messageboard is overweight or unattractive. I only meant that if a person is severely depressed and anxious it only makes matters worse to be out of shape merely for self esteem issues. A person needs all the help they can get when they're severely depressed and having a bad body image won't help in the slightest. I could lose a few pounds myself just for the record but find that when I drop weight and exercise more I just begin to feel better about myself overall. And this isn't even factoring in the mood boosting benefits of exercise along with sweating away toxins and getting the blood flowing in order to help release toxins from the body!!

[Jayjohnny]

And I'd like to say one more thing: being hateful is the easiest thing in the world! Doesn't take much to become hateful. In fact, the OP's level of hatred doesn't even come close to what I can and have reached. More often than not, I have come to hate 90% of worlds population (either they're too short/tall, too skinny/fat, too unattractive, etc.) Lets just say on a bad day I can be the most bitter hateful person you'd ever care to meet, and, most of the time, I hate America in general! But it all depends on the mood I'm in, however. But see how easy it is? Takes guts to be genuine and open with people, especially in the world we now live in.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Ana

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad at the moment.  Anger is an understandable emotion, but staying angry is not good for us because it keeps our body on the alert which is also called fight or flight.

 

Have you read through BrassMonkey's new topic dealing-with-emotional-spirals?

 

Sometimes all we can do is get through a day moment by moment.  It can be hard to do this.  Learning non drug coping techniques can be helpful.  So can Journalling - Therapeutic Writing & Health Benefits

[Altostrata]

Ana, Jayjohnny is trying to be sympathetic, in his way. Please don't take his posts personally. 

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself. This drug situation is very frustrating in itself. It requires an almost superhuman patience. But you can do it. You will pull through.

 

Chessie suggested brassmonkey's topic on emotional spirals, that's a good thing to read.

[JanCarol]

Ana, you've said it, and your therapist has said it:  what are the chances of you finding a new living situation?

 

Also, I'd like to remind you to go slowly and carefully and gently.  Be patient with yourself.  Withdrawal is difficult, tapering slowly is hard, too.  

 

Look for the small things that will keep you going.  

 

Flowers, animals, children, books, sky watching  - find a place that gives you pleasure, and use that as your retreat, your "me time."

 

Your pleasure is the path through the dark forest of drama.  

 

Nobody's life is completely joyless.  It takes a shift of attention to realize this.  Focus on the joyful things, however insignificant they may seem.  Eventually, you string together small moments like pearls on a necklace, and the joy starts to gather mass and gravity, become more real.

 

It does get better.  Slow and steady as she goes!

 

I hope you see the sun today.

[AnaTheCat]

I feel better. Let me just set something straight - hating everyone doesn't give me any joy. It actually makes things worse. And each time I start to feel it, it starts with me and my own life.

As for my family situation - I still need some time to gather cash and move out. I'm also working on my mother - the fact that I'm almost thirty still doesn't reach her. I take care of my own issues myself, I finally have decent salary and she's still like I'm 16, or something. Every damn time I bring the topic of living on my own, she's like "you're abbandoning me!" Geez, mom, people my age usually don't live with their parents.

[JanCarol]

Hey Ana - 

As for my family situation - I still need some time to gather cash and move out. I'm also working on my mother - the fact that I'm almost thirty still doesn't reach her. I take care of my own issues myself, I finally have decent salary and she's still like I'm 16, or something. 

 

My father could reduce me to a snuffling mess of a 6 year old with a single sentence.

 

Not only did he talk to me like I was 6, but the experience of being in his presence made me feel like I was 6, too.  It ripped my voice away, my adult thoughts - and I let it.  This issue never resolved as he fell into dementia and became a much nicer person to be around.

 

Just saying:  look at your own responses to her.  Maybe you can find compassion for her suffering, too - and that is the way to detach yourself from emotional entanglement with her issues.

 

I hope you see the sun today.  (and I've ordered "Urban Shaman" for my Kindle!)

[direstraits]

Hey Ana - 

As for my family situation - I still need some time to gather cash and move out. I'm also working on my mother - the fact that I'm almost thirty still doesn't reach her. I take care of my own issues myself, I finally have decent salary and she's still like I'm 16, or something. 

 

My father could reduce me to a snuffling mess of a 6 year old with a single sentence.

 

Not only did he talk to me like I was 6, but the experience of being in his presence made me feel like I was 6, too.  It ripped my voice away, my adult thoughts - and I let it.  

 

WOW,I can really identify with this...sounds very much like my Dad....I guess most of us here came from dysfunctional families,that's how we ended up in this awful situation.

[AnaTheCat]

 

 

(and I've ordered "Urban Shaman" for my Kindle!)

 

I hope it helps... Helps me a lot.

Whenever I'm not in "nope nope nope" mode - this I just have to wait out.