MattUK: Hi all newbie here

[MattUK]

I'm 44 going through hell and it's a long story

My whole life I've felt there was something wrong with me

I was constantly off school due to differing health issues but have no childhood memories....... Until recently and now have only one

I left school without any qualifications

Started working but lost every job I had through time keeping

Met my now wife (soon to be ex) at 17 and have never been apart from her since she is my everything And we have 4 wonderful kids together 19 16 13 10

In 96 after lots of visits to the Gp I was diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia (sleep disorder) and have been unable due to it since (I have tried but again lost each job due to time keeping or falling asleep)

Over the years I've been on many different types of antidepressants and only found 1 that worked ....... what I thought was well

That was around 10+ years ago till December and even tho the gp put the prescription on repeat I often noticed that my review was months or years overdue

But now my life is in turmoil..... I have huge chunks of memories missing ...... not like days or weeks but loads of meaningful conversations discussions and arguments with my wife and I felt the pills are to blame

I often felt obsession over things and that the thoughts were not my own but didn't associate anything with the pills as they kept me feeling level .......no matter what was thrown at me and was often described as being so laid back I was horizontal

Anyway in December my wife who used to do a lot for charity events attending and helping was raped at knifepoint but when she came home and told me ...... Something happened and I'm now loosing her

Instead of being a caring loving partner that I should of been the shock of it turned me nasty ....... I don't mean physical I mean emotionally unstable unattached and said somethings I didn't want to say

But now please believe me as I feel no one does but the shock of hearing her tell me made me have an out of body experience and although I could see that nasty dirty rude uncaring scum kneeling on the floor saying those things to her ...... It was not me, I was stood in the corner of the room in disamay at what was happening but couldn't stop it

And at that point I realised that I needed of those pills as that was NOT me but the damage had been done and I can't take that back and I went cold turkey off the flouoxetine

Now 10months later still feel those pills have done me over but what's worse have destroyed my life and my marriage

Mistakes have been made and trust destroyed on her part but I've drove my wife away and she's now left me

I've just spent the last 12weeks begging and pleading her to stay but she can't see past what I've done



Now let's get up to date 2 or 3 days ago I started to have memories only vague and not complete but they are not nice and I'm starting to think that where the pills are coming out my system they are unlocking lots of boxes in my head ....... First time I've said that out loud not I can't say by whom as that's still blank and my family are no longer with us

I feel that a lot of my issues may all relate to this and have been misdiagnosed due to being locked away

Well I wish I had found out how bad fluoxetine was but now it's cost me everything I've ever loved and destroyed my life and that's without the withdrawal symptoms that now are making me more suicidal along with everything else

Really need help and people to talk to as I'm not coping at all well

Oh and I'm in SE London uk

Edited November 11, 2016 by ChessieCat
Shep: added tags/CC changed member name in title

[Shep]

Hi Matt,

 

I'm sorry for what you and your family have been through. These drugs do a lot of damage, and leave us at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with other life problems and struggles.

 

But I think being able to chat online with other people who've been on these drugs will help you understand all that's happened, and in time, I hope you are able to make some peace with it all.

 

Here are some links to help you understand what happens when you stop taking flouoxetine. 

 

What is withdrawal syndrome? 
 
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here are some links to help with learning non-drug coping skills:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Neuro Emotions
 
Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

 

Please let us know more about your flouoxetine use:

 

• How many years you were on it?
• What dose you were on?
• Please also list any other drugs you are currently taking. 

 

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

 

You state you are 10 months off your antidepressant, but many of us still struggle with symptoms for a long time, so that is not unusual. It will get better in time.

 

This is your thread to list your symptoms and to ask plenty of questions.

 

I'm glad you found us for information and support. 

Edited November 11, 2016 by ChessieCat
Changed member name

[MattUK]

I went to see the gp because I didn't think the propranolol was working too well and he suggested tapering by dropping 1 dose of the 3 I was on a day (3x40mg)

 

So I did ..... and within 3 days the paranoia kicked in and it's driving me insane so much so that I'd rather stop them totally than taper

I know it's wrong but can't carry on like this

[ChessieCat]

Hi Matt,

 

I've merged your new topic into your Intro/Update topic because it is about your own situation and will keep your history and answers to questions in one place.  It is more helpful for yourself, the mods and other members.

 

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

 

If using a phone please see posts #9 & #10

 

Please see this post by Alto (this site's founder):  tapering-beta-blockers-or-alpha-blockers

[MattUK]

Day 2 cold turkey ....... yes I know it's bad but couldn't handle the extreme shakes pounding head my eyes felt they were being sucked to the back of my skull freezing cold and paranoia to name just a few

 

Didn't sleep at all but as I'm only getting about 1-2hrs on a good night I'm not missing much

 

Want to take myself out for an hour but unsure of driving at the moment as feel a tad foggy to say the least but nowhere near as much as yesterday

[MattUK]

Oh and while I think of it (before I forget again)

I found some information on a different site that although isn't relevant to the meds as such but is relevant to my situation

"Thinking about your failed relationship is similar to replaying scenes from a movie in your mind. Replaying the scenes from the good times in your relationship can lead you to continue grieving or to grieve anew for what you no longer have.

 

Your ruminations about the failed relationship can take on an obsessive quality, as though your thoughts and the feelings that stir within you are beyond your control.

 

At other times, you may focus on scenes that anger and disturb you, which block the good but painful memories and provide temporary relief because you are no longer involved. However, thinking about the horrible scenes from your failed relationship may cause strong negative emotions to come forth, impinging on your ability to enjoy life.

 

Why is it so hard to change your mood and stop thinking about your former partner when a relationship fails? Your unhappy disposition and obsessive thoughts following a failed relationship have a neurochemical basis. Researchers have found that levels of dopamine and serotonin in your brain are actually altered in ways that are similar to those of an addict withdrawing from a stimulant and that failed relationships can result in increased brain activity linked to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, anger management problems, depression, anxiety, and high-risk decision making."

 

So ADs first done me in then I have this to deal with while going through WD then put on benzo and propranolol now going cold turkey as that's better than more WD

Edited November 13, 2016 by scallywag
indented quote from other site, added line between paragraphs

[Skeeter]

Matt,

How are you feeling on the propranolol and Valium/diazepam?  Is the 40 mg the propranolol (sounds like it from message #3 above), how much diazepam a day?  What signs/symptoms has it helped you with? 

 

Hope you are hanging in there.

Skeeter

[MattUK]

no not hanging in there back on the propranolol but personal circumstances may be the cause

[Skeeter]

Matt,

Remember to take care of yourself, that comes first. If you need help, GET IT. You have 4 kids, yes?, age 10-19 years, right?(saw another post of yours). You have to be well to care for them. They need you for their whole lives no mater what age, and love you no matter what you are going through, so self care is KEY.

 

If we can help you with withdrawal symptoms, please ask. I was very curious to see if those 2 meds did anything for AD withdrawal, and if so, what? When you are well enough, I hope you will tell me what those meds did for you and what they did and did not do.

 

Take care,

Skeeter

[yyeehhaaww]

Matt, PLEASE hang on.  Your story is NOT over.

 

Your Winston Churchill said, "When going through hell, keep going".  You have and are.   You say you do not know who you are....  You are an amazing warrior fighting such a very difficult war with battles on so many fronts.  You are an awesome, incredible, wonderful man who has so much strength to have endured all you have.    Your honesty when you bared your soul shows how very special you are.  I pray your wife will remember and reflect on who you really are.   

 

My mother used to say this ... I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.  I feel that way now after reading your story.  You have been through so much more than I ever have in all this psych drug hell madness.  I so very much hope that you can close your eyes and breathe and find a quiet moment of peace and tranquility and a speedy healing.

[yyeehhaaww]

Matt's story  I hope it's OK.  I stumbled upon it and wanted more to see.  I hope I did not do anything wrong to hurt you or against policy.  It is powerful and left me speechless with deep heartbreak and sorrow for the effects of psych drugs on his life.  May we all resolve to heal and help each other and fight this madness brought upon innocent people by doctors and BIG PHARMA.

 

http://survivinganti...-my-life-story/

 

MattUK, on 27 Nov 2016 - 1:24 PM, said:

Moderator note: The account Matt has written may be difficult to read for many people. Some of the details are graphic and may be triggering.

My life – Site Title
https://mylife5691.w.../11/27/my-life/

Edited November 29, 2016 by scallywag
added moderator note

[Skeeter]

Matt,

Did you make that appointment even though they are booking 8 weeks out?  If not please do, so at least you have something firm in place.  Have you made an appointment?

 

I know you are going through a lot of emotional pain, but physical suffering can make that worse.  What did you stop taking a few weeks ago?  Was that the Valium?  If so, what was the dose?  If it was not Valium, what DID you stop taking recently?

 

Hang in there!

Skeeter

[MattUK]

I've failed

 

I can't keep my thoughts to myself and no matter what people or how many of them tell me not too I can't help myself..... I'm constantly on her case about coming back to me

 

Tried phoning the counselling service to chase the appointment as I was contemplating the worst ...... so much so I spent the night staring at the 10 co codamol the 6 diazepam and the 20 propranolol I had in my hand ..... even wrote the note on my phone ready to send

 

I woke the wife (who moves out next week) and I had made my peace and was ready to go

 

All hell broke loose but I was there in the zone no tears nor fear everything was just nothing

 

My son heard the cremation and was straight on the phone to a friend who eventually escorted me to the hospital

 

Everything was clear not a care in the world

 

The triage nurse tried to make a joke about the situation..... gee thanks

 

There's me with a pocket full of pills and she's laughing at me

 

Anyway they called down a counsellor who doesn't believe me about how the mess had screwed my perception of reality or that the symptoms I was going through and for and hour he sat there questioning me then I got the impression that I wasn't serious as he asked me "so go on then what thoughts have you had "

 

I explained that it's not just one but many and I asked him to take his pick ..... he got angry

 

So I told him about 3 ways and was ready to take the 4th and pulled the loose pills from my pocket

 

Any way between him and my friend I was talked down but with in 48hrs I've got an initial appointment for Monday (4 days time)

 

Oh and yes I failed as on Tuesday or Wednesday I had to go back on the ADs propranolol and the diazepam

 

Sorry to say that I've let myself and so many others down but I've got to say that today I'm actually feeling that I will see tomorrow..... even tho that's the anniversary of the day

[scallywag]

Matt, I'm sorry to read that you were feeling that desperate. I hope that your meeting with someone on Monday will be the start of a helpful process.

 

Restarting or reinstating a medication is not a failure. If it is a failure, it is not yours; it belongs to pharmaceutical companies and to the insufficiently skeptical medical profession.  There are huge gaps in understanding and knowldege of these drugs.

[Skeeter]

Matt,

I am so glad you got help. Your 4 kiddos need you. You are not a failure. To those 4 children you will always be their biggest hero, please do not ever lose sight of that. I am proud of you for knowing you needed help!!

 

**** luck, keep up updated when you can,

Skeeter

[JanCarol]

Hey Matt - 

 

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.

 

Please check in with us, I hope we can be of further help to you.

 

Please take your drugs in regular, daily doses for a long time, to get stable again.  Going on and off is destabilizing and really hard on your system (as you found out, in a very difficult way).

 

Please let us know what your current doses, current drugs are?

 

Did they prescribe anything different at hospital?  It sounds like you were able to go home (not inpatient?)?

 

Let us know how you are.  I can get better, and it does get better.  You are aware now, and have learned a lot.  It's not a failure, as Scally said.  Not a failure at all.  It's a learning-by-hardship.  Some of us have to learn the hard way, and some lessons are so difficult, there's hardly any other way to learn them.  You haven't failed, you've got an opportunity to live and learn and grow.

 

You can do this.  Let us know how you are?

[MattUK]

Now on escitalopram 10mg 1 daily

Propranolol 40mg 3 daily

Lorazepam 1mg 1/2 2 daily

 

My constant crying has stopped but still hurting

My wife is still leaving and I don't want her to go

My life is still a mess

 

I'm 44 and feel like a child

I'm struggling to get out the house

Still struggling the anxiety and panic attacks but only been on the half pills now for 2 days

 

I've failed to keep marriage my wife my kids mum and my family together

I really do love her more than anything in the world

I've come off all social media (other than here) as I can't bare to see other people's happiness ...... while I'm in so much emotional pain and other people's problems make me so angry

[MattUK]

Oh and I went to my meeting

 

Any better...... no

 

Why do people assume that a relationship breakup is so easy when your so desperately in love with your significant other

 

I'm sick and tired of being told just to get over it I ******* love her so much

 

And here's the tears

[MattUK]

Damn it's been a while hasn't it ....... I'm still here everyone. ... or should that be I'm back 🤔

 

Well im still on the pills even more now for other things 

 

I'm a grandpapa to a wonderful grandson and I'm proud of my daughter she's doing well for a youngish mum 

 

And I've come to realise something. ...... and a few of you may not understand this but I don't think it was the meds that changed me ...... I don't think it was me that changed at all (well maybe emotionless as in I never found reason to argue and showed love to all) the healing process of spending many years with someone is long and to be honest I'm still not there yet but I'm better than I was 

 

I'm still single but am looking (hint hint) and I came to realise something. ..... it was not the meds ..... it was not me..... It WAS the relationship I was in with a habitually lying cheating narcissist 

 

You think coming off meds is hard ....... you try finding yourself after years of abuse from someone who you loved and devoted your whole life too just to find out everything was a lie