Pearlsky: Introduction

[ChessieCat]

Hi Pearlsky,

 

Healing isn't linear.  Unfortunately we can be feeling a little bit better for a period of time and then things get bad again.  There is a discussion about this here:  Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

From What is Happening in Your Brain:

 

"Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR steel structures are [...] to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were [...] to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and [...] to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while [...] is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made. 

And just like the Twin Towers- it's possible - but the buiding is a major effort"

[Altostrata]

Hello, Pearlsky.

 

Many people who come to this site after going off psychiatric drugs are particularly distressed by depersonalization (also known as derealization) and emotional anesthesia. The trick is not to get frightened by this. It's a very common after-effect of psychiatric drugs.

 

The effect of the drugs when you were taking them may have made you feel very predictable -- not high or low, sort of protected from emotions. Now you're off them and you sometimes feel emotions -- and sometimes withdrawal symptoms.

 

One of the more fiendish aspects of withdrawal syndrome is it tends to anesthetize good feelings but heighten bad feelings. People sometimes experience surges of anxiety, shame, or dread. I called the last the "black holes."

 

It's grueling, but this does gradually go away. Think of these episodes as chemical accidents. Your nervous system is wobbly and sometimes dips. Very gradually, like those physical symptoms that were so troublesome, your nervous system will stop sending up these alarms and calm down. You will get to know yourself better and trust yourself.

 

Everyone has ideas rattling around their heads, sometimes worrisome ideas. Buddhists call this the "monkey mind." It's full of busy junk, that's it's natural state. Meditation teaches you to watch the ideas like clouds floating by -- they are no more important or permanent than that. They come in, they can go out. When you meditate, you focus on emptiness, a clear, peaceful mind, but pesky ideas visit even the most experienced meditator. It's a natural characteristic of the human mind.

 

So what you need to do is wait out these chemical accidents, these mental burps. It's a good sign your physical symptoms have eased up. Can you cook? If you ask to make meals, you may be able to get the food you prefer. You are right, sugary foods are not the best for you.

 

It does sound like you're all alone with your fears. Are you able to talk to a counselor?

[Altostrata]

Pearlsky, do you read blogs by people with Asperger's? See this one http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/asperger-syndrome/

 

Do you have Meetup in your town? Do you like to play games? Perhaps you can join a group that plays games regularly.

[Shep]

7 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Pearlsky, do you read blogs by people with Asperger's? See this one http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/asperger-syndrome/

 

Hi, Pearlsky, I'd like to add another blog in addition to Alto's great link. I found this article particularly interesting from the blog Seventh Voice:

 

Theory finds that individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome don’t lack empathy – in fact if anything they empathize too much

 

Please do as much self-care as you can to nurture your emotions, which will be coming back as you heal from the numbing effects of withdrawal. 

 

Some of us find mindfulness to be particularly helpful, others like yoga and breathing techniques, and there are many other ideas here:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Do any of these "speak" to you as something you'd like to try? Or if you're already started learning some non-drug techniques, can you tell us any that are helping? 

 

Please let us know how you are doing. 

Edited September 9, 2017 by Shep
fixed link

[Pearlsky]

I live with an emotionally abusive family - it's who I grew up with. They never let me make my own decisions. I don't speak to a counselor. Thinking about doing self-care is upsetting. I've never had a good sense of myself as it is. God is the only help I have. I've always despised my label of Aspergers. I never liked to listen to authority figures because I felt like they never listened to my concerns. My family was always putting me down growing up telling me I couldn't do anything. I haven't had oppurtunties in life because I was never given any.

[Pearlsky]

I apologize for my rant. On the positive side, I feel more than most. Lately, I've been feeling more and more pleasure from the outside world: the seasons, night and day, music, and more. It makes me happy. It's my depersonalization that's making me afraid. My body feels rather weakened but it feels as though the fog has been dissipating bit by bit.

[Altostrata]

2 hours ago, Pearlsky said:

I live with an emotionally abusive family - it's who I grew up with. They never let me make my own decisions. I don't speak to a counselor. Thinking about doing self-care is upsetting. I've never had a good sense of myself as it is. God is the only help I have. I've always despised my label of Aspergers. I never liked to listen to authority figures because I felt like they never listened to my concerns. My family was always putting me down growing up telling me I couldn't do anything. I haven't had oppurtunties in life because I was never given any.

 

This is very honest, Pearlsky. You don't have to apologize for this.

 

You have a lot of challenges ahead of you. First, you need to know -- it's very hard for anyone to accept who she is, with her strengths and failings! That is your number one task -- to do self-care, to accept yourself, to stop despising who you are.

 

This is even harder for someone with Asperger's, who naturally feels apart. You are a rare bird. It's not unusual for Aspies to feel isolated. This is their existential position. (You might do some reading about existentialism, it may help you accept what is.)

 

You know your family is outside of you, not inside of you. You need to make friends with your inner voice. You are being tossed here and there by your family's judgments, like a shuttlecock in badminton. But you have more substance than that, you are not going to live with them forever.

 

Why is doing self-care upsetting?

 

 

[Pearlsky]

I just feel like my label is filled with so much negativity from the general public so I don't want to accept it. I've always had trouble handling my problems and often get upset without knowing why. Additionally, I follow God's Word closely and I don't like any ideas relating to spirituality such as meditation, yoga, etc. I journal but it's hard to keep a regular routine. I occasionally see counselors but I get hurt easily and often leave them.

[ChessieCat]

2 hours ago, Pearlsky said:

it's hard to keep a regular routine.

 

You could use your phone for reminders to help with this.

[Pearlsky]

Is it safe to take inhalers in withdrawal? I started having problems with my asthma due to the weather changes lately. I'm having shortness of breath and wheezing, and I stay more tired. I got my lung function tested and it was great, but it's hard to get a good breath which brings on a lightheaded feeling. I've just started on pro air and q var and they seem to make my heart race and give me the jitters. Would it be worth it to keep taking them? I don't know what to do for my chest because it stays tight now.

[Pearlsky]

Also, does anyone have any advice on whether or not to get a flu shot during withdrawal? I'm really afraid to get one this year because they've always made me sluggish and feverish. I avoid doctors for the most part now but I'm not sure if I'll be able to buy out of this because my family wants me to get one.

[TryingToHoldOn]

I've been wondering about the flu shot as well.  I'm terrified to get one, but know that it will also be bad if I come down with the flu.

[Altostrata]

I have no worries about flu shots. I get them every year myself. Vaccines are probably the safest drug treatments you can get.

[Pearlsky]

I'm terrified of putting anything in my body that I don't know what's in it. I've always been into conspiracy theories, and unfortunately I looked into vaccines once and scared myself. It's the same reason I watch everything I eat and avoid unhealthy food like the plague. I only drink water and I'm sensitive to all different kinds of foods due to a long list of food allergies and intolerances.

[ChessieCat]

On 15/09/2017 at 6:18 AM, Pearlsky said:

I'm not sure if I'll be able to buy out of this because my family wants me to get one.

 

It's your body and your choice whether you get a flu shot.  Other people can give you their opinion but nobody can tell you what to do regarding this.  The decision is yours.  If you feel so strongly about something then you should do what you feel is the right thing for you.

[Pearlsky]

Thank you for your advice, Chessiecat.

 

I've been feeling hopeless lately. My suffering has been occurring so long with no sign I'm ever going to be ok. I pray to God frequently but I don't think He cares about me.

 

Currently, I feel miserable with my severe depersonalization and mental fog and confusion as I have been for some time. Also, my nervous system and heart feels very weakened. Any little movement, sound, or thought at times feels like a blow sending waves of pain throughout my body. My heart beats in an abnormal rhythm. My bladder is weak. I stay tired a lot. I can't think right. I feel all wrong.

 

On top of it all, I feel like my life is gone. I look at every person in the world my age who has a life and everything is better for them. They don't have all the problems I do. At the same time, I feel incredibly guilty that I'm not making a life for myself despite how terrible I'm feeling. I'm turning 21 very soon, and I feel like my life so far has been a waste. I don't see how anything can get better.

 

All the while I feel so incredibly depressed and hopeless, I'm holding on even if it's just for the sake of letting people know how strong I am. I don't know what to do for myself anymore and I'm not sure I care. I'm waiting for an available appointment with my therapist, but it's so hard to hold it together in the meantime. I feel like I'm the most unimportant person in the world. I am completely alone because nobody understands.

 

In addition to it all, I am also very angered. I am angry at my family for taking control over my life and never giving me a chance. I am angry at the doctors for their unrighteous persistence to drug me. I am angry at myself for not doing more than I did. I am so tired. I ask myself the same question every day: "When will this living hell end?" I have forgotten my worth.

 

I just had to vent my feelings. I feel tortured and lost.

[JanCarol]

Hey PearlSky - 

 

I am stricken by how rich your descriptions are of your suffering.  You must be an extremely sensitive soul, and have so much to offer the world.  I am sorry that you are going through this.  What you describe reminds me a lot of the story of Katinka Blackford Newman, "The Pill that Steals Lives."  She only took the drugs for a year, but they were extremely toxic to her.  Based on her story - and the many stories I've read here, I can assure you, that this, too, will pass.  It will seem slow, it's always too slow - and it will seem long, it's always too long.  But it will pass, it will get better.

On 31/07/2017 at 5:13 AM, Pearlsky said:

There is one thing I'm hesitant to reveal that's been troubling me since I'm in withdrawal. Back when I was doing better mentally, a close family member passed away. Shortly after, I saw her spirit in a dream and connected with my ancestors. I've had similar dreams before but never told anyone. I don't understand why this had to happen in the middle of withdrawal. I keep losing my focus on getting better and the facts of the dream become my actual reality. I feel extremely confused. I don't know how soon this will get better.

 

 

This is more normal than you have been taught to believe.  Our society has disembodied from a number of healthy practices and life transitions.  It is actually a custom of the dead to visit  loved ones before they move on - but it takes someone who is spiritually aware and sensitive to experience it.  Psychiatry might call it "delusional" or even "psychotic" but that's bogus.  I don't know how many people have had this experience, but I've talked to several - my husband "saw" his father after he passed.

 

That it connected to your ancestors may be a vital clue.  This is a shamanic connection, and again, something that our disembodied society has put on the relic pile.  But ancestors are a vital part of who we are, and experiencing them is an important step in becoming fully whole ourselves.

 

I know you are not "psychotic," but there are a number of resources on this page for spiritual emergence and spiritual awakening:

Alternatives for Psychotic Outbreaks

 

Especially the following:  http://www.shadesofawakening.com/

http://www.bipolarawakenings.com/

Will Hall's story

http://spiritualemergence.info/international-transpersonal-links-for-help/

and

What a Shaman Sees in a Mental Hospital

and

http://www.jaysongaddis.com/the-shamanic-view-of-mental-illness/

 

This is not about religion, in exploring this you are not denying your Christian heritage and belief.  This is, instead, a structured way to look at extreme states, and finding power, comfort and peace there - instead of what the medics want to call "delusion and psychosis."  It is, therefore a way to deepen your belief.

 

There are several Christian examples of shamanic experience.

Jesus himself:  http://beamsandstruts.com/articles/item/1014-jesus-the-shaman

Native American Christian Church:  https://www.innertraditions.com/shamanic-christianity.html

Our own GiaK and SA Community:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/7340-shamanic-healing/

 

 

There are also examples of Christians who are afraid of Shamanism.  I grew up Christian (of a narrow variety), and in my growth into this practice, have found comfort in my Christianity and belief in Forgiveness and Loving the Other.  Those who are afraid, are afraid of their own Shadows.  Shamanism is about integrating the Shadows (like Carl Jung would say) and bringing them to Light and Balance.  It is a practice which supports and deepens your beliefs - whatever they are.

 

I am very reticent to offer this information - as you were reticent to share it.  It's not "socially acceptable" yet.  We've spent centuries listening to the "rational mind" and squelching our intuitive, feminine, creative minds.  It's become "silly" or even "evil" to listen to the messages of the subconscious or our feelings.  This model of rationality is not working, as we destroy our own habitat in the name of profit and technology.

 

These are just suggestions, I have no skin in this game - but you are paying for the game with your skin and I hoped to bring you something which might be a tool for healing, and a comfort to know you are not alone. 

 

On 04/08/2017 at 6:33 AM, Pearlsky said:

Music makes the memories and feelings come back much faster and stronger I find so I routinely play music I know I used to love. It's pretty exciting.

 

This is a clear example of the benefits of listening to your feelings and intuition.

 

Music can be most healing.  There are many members here who have music'd their way out of extreme states, and ridden the waves of music into deeper relaxation and healing.

 

This is wise practice!

 

On 05/08/2017 at 4:16 AM, Pearlsky said:

Does anyone know if it makes a difference the type of food I eat during withdrawal?

 

Yes!  As the drugs are damaging to the endocrine system, and 90% of your serotonin is in your gut - you may develop food sensitivities.  I understand you are dependant upon your family, and concerned about losing weight, and you may have to make selections from what your family provides.

 

I'm a big fan of feeding the brain.   The brain likes fats (avocados, coconut oil, and meat), cholesterol (eggs and meat), and lastly carbs.  Carbs are short term, and the sugary foods you are attracted to are not good for mood stabilisation.  They will give you a quick hit (like a cigarette) but then will crash you and you need to eat more.

 

In withdrawal, many people become sensitive to wheat and dairy (and other things, more individually varied).  American wheat is inflammatory, and dairy is mucous producing.  American dairy still has hormones and antibiotics best avoided.  I know you cannot afford to tell your parents "organic please" but perhaps you could ask for coconut milk, and maybe seek out "gluten free" options?

 

You may not need to do this 100%, but even if you reduce inflammatory foods by 50%, then you are doing better.

 

As always, seek out fresh foods - veggies and fruits - to help keep your vitamins, minerals, and fiber balanced.  The main difference between the modern diet and the ancient one - is that our ancestors ate a lot more fiber.  I used to struggle with "how to get fiber" without wheat (as I loved my grainy cereals and breads), but have threaded that needle with prunes, veggies, and seem to be operating on a good balance now.

I'm still a page behind, but want to get you this information right away.

 

I hope you see the sun today (it's excellent for balancing mood, and I think I will go out now and take some of my own medicine - a sun walk!)!

 

 

[JanCarol]

Hey PearlSky (I do love your name!) - 

 

On 10/09/2017 at 3:47 AM, Pearlsky said:

Lately, I've been feeling more and more pleasure from the outside world: the seasons, night and day, music, and more. It makes me happy. It's my depersonalization that's making me afraid.

 

This is called "hedonic rehabilitation" and is an awesome practice!  Following the little things which bring you pleasure.  That patch of blue sky in between the clouds, the scent of a perfumed stranger who passes you in the halls, the taste of your coffee or tea, the texture of a nice fabric.  This is called mindfulness - but I encourage you to seek the things which lift you up (no point paying attention to the things which are harder on you!).  These little things might be the life rope which pull you through!  There are thousands of them in a day, if we can only catch them.

 

Has school started yet?  How is that feeling?

 

Reminder:  sun:  today!

[Pearlsky]

I am currently facing a terrible conflict. My family wants me back on medicine. They believe that the reason I have been like I have since the time I got off the medicine is because I need back on it. They say because I was born with Asperger's, I will not be able to thrive in life without the medicine. They say I am only getting worse and will never get better. They have never been good listeners, but they refuse to listen to what I have to say. I've told them the truth, and they say I'm telling lies I got from the Internet and I'm not the doctor. They keep telling me I'm mentally ill and sick and they want me to get on medicine and make threats if I don't. They are "set" on this, and whenever I try to explain I won't get on medicine, they erupt at me and I'm left with tremendous stress. They recently sent me to a mental facility to have an evaluation, and I stayed there four days before I managed to escape with the agreement to see a psychiatrist working outside the place. During that time, I became unaware that I was living and had obsessive thoughts about death. The terrifying nightmares associated with sleep paralysis also returned.

 

It's been about a week since then, but with the upcoming appointment for a psychiatrist, I can't relax. My stress level is through the roof, my movements are rapid, I have adrenaline rushes every morning - some worse than others, I have hot flashes, racing heart, and burning and prickling through my legs and feet. I can't get back on medicine. I don't know how to handle this because I have nobody who believes me. Even my therapist told me I have bipolar, schizophrenia, mania, psychosis, and paranoia and told me she wouldn't see me unless I got on medicine. Plus, my mind is so blank I can't make a plan of what to do. It gives me anxiety just to think about explaining how I don't want back on medicine again, but every time I make an attempt, it's even worse because they act so extreme. I've had panic attacks in front of them, and unfortunately them seeing all this from me only adds to their reasoning for medicating me. I'm turning 21 in two weeks, and I'm hopeless about having a good birthday. I've always been treated like a child who "will never get anywhere in life". They're controlling, blame me for all their problems and constantly tell me I am selfish and lazy.

 

I have plans of attending college again next semester, but they want me on medicine in order to go. I can't win with them.

 

It is not my intention to make this personal, but I'm wondering what I can do now to make my withdrawal symptoms better.

[Pearlsky]

I apologize for my last post; I was under stress and my feelings were over exaggerated. 

 

The stressor is now over, but I’ve been having concerns for my really bad brain fog. It’s only getting worse, and I can’t think well enough to even know what my symptoms are. I’ve lost my sense of self, and I have no feelings or awareness for anything in the world. I will explain my feelings the best I can, but it is difficult to think and impossible to organize my thoughts.

 

I’ve been having tingling and burning symptoms in my feet and hands, numbness, racing heart, fatigue along with a slowed-down feeling, and apathy. With all this, I fear that I am permanently damaged and will never have a life again. I also fear that I will suddenly become brain dead as I feel nothing for my self. I feel like “I’m just here” while my mind is somewhere else separate from me. I have no sense of time, and I often have trouble seeing how I will get through another day. My short-term memory is steadily getting worse.

 

Any time I visit doctors, they are so quick to jump to the conclusion that I have depression and need antidepressants. I don’t know what I can do for myself. I feel stuck in a mess with no one there to help me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m 21 and I’m ready to start my life.

[Pearlsky]

Update: It’s been a year since I cold-turkeyed the medicine and I am currently experiencing a bad wave.

 

My cognition impairment is quite severe. I have completely forgotten who I am as a person and who I was before I stopped my medicine. I am unable to sift through the fog in my mind to think much of anything. Any thoughts I have I usually say aloud because they’re too much to keep inside. I’ve lost my imagination, short-term memory, concentration, problem-solving ability, executive functioning, and more. I’m unable to think up of anything to do during the day because my mind is blank and I feel confused.

 

I do not feel in a reality of any kind and everything is a picture I have to look at through a thick black and white fog. I feel no connection to anyone or anything including myself. I am extremely sensitive to everything, and any little thing can easily make me miserable especially eating. Sometimes I have unexpected adrenaline episodes where immense anger comes over me and I move and speak too fast. This is usually followed by labored breathing, lightheadedness, a panic attack, and trembling all over. I frequently feel a heavy pressure in my head, throat, and chest. My head still jerks when I try to sleep and I feel myself twisting and turning throughout the night.

 

My physical symptoms like dizziness and lightheadedness disappear for a while and come back with a bit less intensity each time. I am very sensitive to light and go between having dimmed vision and blurred vision. The sun especially hurts my eyes and I always have a feeling of eye strain. My mind feels weird and I have strong feelings at all times I can’t explain which wake me up in my sleep. I sleep off and on throughout the night and wake up with my eyes burning and my stomach, bladder, and throat hurting. My voice changes between high-pitched and deep and I often stay hoarse. As a result, I no longer have a singing talent as I used to. 

 

My neuro-emotions of fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, self-blame, and self-criticism are noticeably better. My triggers don’t send me into a panic state as bad as before. I’ve recently started getting flashbacks. Also, I’ve begun feeling a pleasant warmth from my head to my toes I wasn’t feeling before. The muscle weakness is gone although I still have fatigue off and on. Improvement is slow-going. I am at a loss as to why I’m undergoing withdrawal this bad at 21. Although I am forced to put my life on hold now, I am determined to make it through this and build a better life for myself. I am relying on time and my faith in God. 

[AliG]

Hi Pearl. I'm sorry you're in a wave right now~ You have had some positive changes and that is a sign of healing. Hang in there~ this will continue to improve.

Edited December 3, 2017 by AliG

[Pearlsky]

Update: 13 months post cold turkey

 

My mind stays blank all the time now. My thoughts are all scattered around and I can’t grab ahold of them. Whatever thoughts I do have, I feel as though I’m cursed to have to speak them aloud because they won’t stay in my head. Although my physical symptoms are always improving, I still worry I have permanent damage. I have no planning, problem-solving, or reasoning ability. I never feel right inside my body. I still don’t feel a “self”, I don’t feel a reality, I don’t feel other people, and I don’t feel a connection to God.

 

I no longer have disturbed feelings, and I’ve stopped having adrenaline rushes. I still can’t eat sugar though because it makes me jittery. I don’t remember my past clearly and my mind still feels dark. I still have no pleasure, emotions, feelings, or imagination. I have trouble processing what I see and hear and still have trouble reading.

 

I’m not as sensitive to light now, and my sleep is improving. I go back and forth between sleeping for 6-7 hours and 8-9 hours before I find myself wide awake. I’ve been feeling lightheaded a lot lately. I feel weird all the time and can’t keep up with how I’m doing very well. The only supplements I’m taking now is iron for my anemia.

 

I’ve been having this feeling lately of everything coming together. I’ve even had dreams about it. I’ve also been feeling “new” both in the sense of my body and my “self”. I’m feeling calmer and less depressed and anxious. It doesn’t sound real to me how bad I started out. I don’t want to complain, but despite improvements, I’m really tired of being this way. Because of my poor short-term memory, the only way I encourage myself I’m getting better is by looking back at how far I’ve come. Although I would never, ever wish to relive the past times, I can’t help but only wish to be whole and fully healed.

[Pearlsky]

I’m seeing major improvements in myself lately. I feel better connected to the “real me” and memories of my life with feelings are slowly but surely forming into a clear picture. I now am able to feel more like my childhood “authentic self” and it is a wonderful feeling. The years I was on the medicine now feel unreal to me like they were experienced by another person. My mind stays in a blank state all the time so I’m not able to think much of anything, but my physical symptoms appear to be almost all gone.

 

I have a recent problem that has been worrying me. It seems that I can’t stop losing weight. I’m eating three meals a day but I can’t gain any weight. What’s so strange is that while on the medicine I was borderline overweight and now I’m awfully underweight for my height. I don’t know how to gain weight because I’ve never had this problem before. I try ignoring it because I cannot feel my body but it’s scaring me that I’m somehow still losing weight. I can see and feel my bones. Does anyone know why this could be? 

[Kostas]

Hi, 

These drugs affect also the metabolism. 

I was on Celexa for 14 years on/off, and completely off the drug for 5 years, after a very slow tapering. 

During on the drug, I went from 67 kg to 78. When start tapering, and off the drug, went down to 70, and now UP to 74 and stabilized there. 

Take care! 

[powerback]

23 minutes ago, Pearlsky said:

I’m seeing major improvements in myself lately. My mind stays in a blank state all the time so I’m not able to think much of anything, but my physical symptoms appear to be almost all gone.

 

I have a recent problem that has been worrying me. It seems that I can’t stop losing weight. I’m eating three meals a day but I can’t gain any weight. What’s so strange is that while on the medicine I was borderline overweight and now I’m awfully underweight for my height. I don’t know how to gain weight because I’ve never had this problem before. I try ignoring it because I cannot feel my body but it’s scaring me that I’m somehow still losing weight. I can see and feel my bones. Does anyone know why this could be? 

Hi PS good on ye for the improvements ,I cant tell you why but being under weight isn't good ,you need to eat a lot more and eat healthy fats ie nuts,avacado ,cocanut oil,nutritionally dense foods also.theres a myth out there about avoiding fat our brains for one need it .I'm not a nutritionist  but I've followed a good few for a long time .

today I have strong anxiety tummy but I force myself to eat ,this can cut off appetite. 

The best thing you could do for your future health is visit a nutrionist or do a course in it .

Don't ignore it ,your body needs fuel .

Take care 

 

[Pearlsky]

I feel so dead inside my body it’s hard getting through every day. I experience severe adrenaline rushes with crying spells and heavy breathing almost daily now. During these moments, I find myself moving too fast, screaming uncontrollably, and talking jibberish. Also my eyes move all over the place and get stuck in the same position. It mostly happens after I eat. Thankfully the tremors have lessened but I get a feeling of relaxing all inside my body that overwhelms me and I will go from being depressed, angry, and giddy all within minutes. My family makes this worse if they’re around when it’s happening and tell me I’m crazy and need to get back on medicine. I can’t make them listen to me. I have a blank mind and can’t get to any thoughts or feelings and it’s especially distressing. I don’t know if I’m ever getting better and I keep feeling dread with a fear that I’m going to die. I want to be able to function in life once again.

[Pearlsky]

Pearlsky Update:

 

Improvement always follows my monthly cycles. My physical symptoms have improved significantly, and my body feels in excellent shape. I still have severe depersonalization and derealization, apathy, and anhedonia. My sleep and cognitive functioning are continuing to improve, but I still have a long way to go. I have the same problems with cognitive functioning I’ve been having - blank mind, unable to hold onto thoughts or feelings, short-term memory problems, no imagination, lack of planning ability, and more. As time goes on I’m sleeping for longer intervals in the night and sleeping more deeply. For so long I would wake up several times throughout the night and experience early awakening but this is occurring less frequently now.

 

I’m becoming less sensitive to the foods I eat now and experience less distressing feelings. Before, I would have dark, terrible and disturbing feelings come out of nowhere and consume me until I was overwhelmed out of my mind. That hardly happens anymore, and when it does, it’s not as bad as before. My neuro-emotions are continuing to ease up as well. My mind always feels so empty it gets frustrating and overwhelming, so I read books and listen to music to distract myself. 

 

Lately, I’ve begun having vivid flashbacks from my childhood that I had forgotten. The feelings that come with these flashbacks are very powerful as though they’re penetrating deep in my soul. I feel like I missed out on the experience of growing up which instills in me a deep pang of hurt and sadness. It is quite overwhelming, and I’m not really sure what to make of it. I use prayer for solace and am learning to trust myself as I continue treading down this road.

[Pearlsky]

I have a burning concern that refuses to go away. Since I never really felt like I was truly in the experiencing of growing up in my pre-teen and teen years, I wonder if the medicine affected my development permanently. I don’t recall feeling much of any emotion, just feeling numb most of the time. I’m truly afraid I missed out on normal brain development in my teens because I feel like I never actually grew up. Additionally, I never grew bigger like the other girls. I mean, I’m 5’7” but very bony. I feel like I don’t have any muscle and am worried I will never make up for whatever growth I may have missed out on. I’m anxious to move forward in my life, but I don’t want any of this to be permanent. If it is, I feel like there will be no point in going on.

[Gridley]

Pearlsky,

 

A few months ago, we had a discussion on SA on the subject of children being drugged early and the effect on their development.  Brassmonkey, one of our moderators, wrote the following, which I would take as very encouraging:

 

"I mentioned to Gridley a few days ago that I have known a number of others who were in the same situation. There were several on this forum, but most of them were on another forum called Paxilprogress.com.  It's been closed down for several years, so unfortunately all that information is no longer available.  I do have a personal friend who is not on either forum who started on 20mgai paxil at the age of six.  He started a taper when he reached 19 and has been drug free for many years now.  He is a fine young adult with a good job, apartment and girlfriend.

 

In dealing with all of these young starters a couple of things really struck me.  First is that the brain is an incredibly adaptable thing, it can be abused to a huge extent and still bounce back and function properly.  The other is that, although they  missed out on their formative years all of these people turned out fine.  The lack of socialization caused some problems for a while, but that is all a matter of learning some skills, making mistakes and developing way of handling life's lessons.  A big key for all of them was the realization that, although they were behind at the start because of the drugs, there was no reason that they couldn't catch up and even surpass their peers.  It was a matter of not giving up, being their own person and finding their way in life. 

 

Even growing up drugged a lot of life's lessons have been absorbed.  They just need to be dragged to the surface and polished. Also the act of taking control and getting off of the drugs will provide the opportunity to explore life, beliefs, personal strengths, relationships and much more.  Once a person has finished removing these drugs from their life they are much stronger than they ever imagined, have a better idea who they are and their place in the world."

 

Best,

Gridley

 

 

 

[Pearlsky]

Thank you so much Gridley for the words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. I’ve been seeing continuous positive change lately, but I find myself worrying about my future a lot. I do worry in particular about the socialization I missed out on because I am an introvert and socialization doesn’t come very naturally. I feel like I was better with that before I was put on the drugs since the drugs caused me bad depression and anxiety leading me to isolate myself. I know I need to work on building my confidence. I guess that will just come in time.

[Gridley]

It will come in time.  You will be fine.

[Pearlsky]

Update: 18 months CT

 

Most of my physical symptoms have gone away already and only some still remain. I am still being consumed, however, by the relentless and frustrating mental symptoms like a blank and foggy mind, apathy, no pleasure, cognitive impairments, depersonalization and derealization. I often feel hopeless these problems will ever go away. I feel like an observer of my life and I’m living a dream. I’ve had vivid flashbacks for a while now that made me feel a connection to my child self before I was drugged so I have a good idea who the “real me” is now. The flashbacks uncovered a lot of hurt for what I have lost since then, and I frequently look back over those times with utter sadness and feel hopeless that I will ever have a life that good again.

 

I’m struggling to put the weight back on that I somehow lost, and I can wrap my hands around my bones all over my body. My food sensitives and the digestive problems I had along with them have eased up just recently, but my weight wants to go down instead of up. I saw the doctor and had a blood test done to check for medical problems like thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, diabetes, etc. but the results came back normal. I’m eating plenty and not exercising. I’m thinking maybe the food sensitives could have had something to do with the weight loss and I hope I will gain soon.

 

I’m just getting through the days now as I have been for so long. I feel dead inside myself which makes me afraid to go to sleep at times. I have awful feelings of dread that I’m going to suddenly die without warning. I’m unable to think about my future. I don’t feel like I’m really here and that nothing is real. I don’t know how to help myself besides prayer and spending much of my time listening to music. The only time I’ve observed feeling relief from everything is during my cycle. Then I become convinced that I’m well before I get worse again. I stay confused and can’t keep up with my progress too well. Hour by hour, day by day, and week by week I am always feeling a different way.

[Borealice]

HOw are you doing Pearlsky?

 

I'm going through similar things. 

[Pearlsky]

Hi Borealis. Thanks for asking. I’m sorry I’m not good at summarizing my thoughts.

 

Currently I’m feeling very powerful hurt deep within me for the experiences I missed out on along with a strong connection to the real me back in childhood. It is so overwhelming it often distracts me from my other withdrawal symptoms which are miraculously improving and becoming less and less. It feels like I left my real self back in childhood 10 plus years ago and I only went through life afterward merely existing. The last time I was “living” was when I was just a little kid playing on the playground with other children and with my toys before I ever had to worry about responsibilities. My very soul feels pained and I feel betrayed beyond imaginable belief. There was no transition to adulthood for me. Everyone else my age appears to have already reached their full potential and living their dreams and I don’t even know who I am. As far as my withdrawal symptoms go, I just take it day by day. It’s too confusing to figure out all that’s going on inside me. As my neuro-emotions are losing their power over me, I am putting effort into bettering myself as an individual which is something I never attempted before now. I am looking forward to building a life for myself but I know that it’s going to take time.

[Pearlsky]

I’ve seen little change over the past several months except for more and more memories from my childhood resurfacing and the feelings that went with them. They give me a clear picture of who I was and my life before the medicine, and that only makes the overwhelming hurt of missing out on the experience of growing up worse. I feel like my entire life is a waste and I desperately want to wish all the pain away. I don’t understand why I can’t just instantly get to be the person I am. I don’t want to care about myself or my life anymore. I don’t see a future for me. All I feel is hopelessness. I don’t want to accept things for the way they are because I see no reason why it happened; it only confirms I am worthless. I struggle with these feelings daily and it’s so tiring to keep fighting them. I don’t feel like I have control over them and I don’t know why. Are they part of withdrawal? I’m always forgetting everything about this whole experience.