Jump to content
Marmot

Marmot: just Wellbutrin left

Recommended Posts

jen84

Hi Marmot, 

 

Sorry You're feeling so stressed at work. Have you been feeling less productive with your work since you've started tapering? I have terrible concentration at my work, and my productivity is way down. I hadn't contributed it to withdrawal of wellbutrin until now. Anyways, I wish you the best with your future decreases, I'll be watching to see how you're doing.

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot
13 hours ago, jen84 said:

Hi Marmot, 

 

Sorry You're feeling so stressed at work. Have you been feeling less productive with your work since you've started tapering? I have terrible concentration at my work, and my productivity is way down. I hadn't contributed it to withdrawal of wellbutrin until now. Anyways, I wish you the best with your future decreases, I'll be watching to see how you're doing.

Thanks Jen,

 

So, I was off work for two years during the worst of my withdrawal... now my productivity is okay at work, but perhaps because they keep me moving. As in, it's a structured job and workplace, so it's very clear what I have to be doing and when.

 

When I come home though I often do nothing, and where I live is getting pretty messy. I'm not sure if this is from low concentration or low motivation, but I'm pretty sure that it's mostly from wellbutrin and caffeine withdrawal. Perhaps also some mix of withdrawal from the previous meds I quit too. 

 

For me, the Wellbutrin withdrawal happens insidiously, and makes lots of things low. (Low mood, low motivation, low energy, slower thinking/moving...). Times when I stopped it too fast, I got more of these things, couldn't do anything, and they called it depression. Sometimes I get anxious and overwhelmed too, but not as much. 

 

You just quit effexor too though right? That's a beast of a drug to get off of. What is going on with you now? I'll catch up on your thread soon. 

 

Marmot

Share this post


Link to post
jen84

I wish I had more structure at my work, we have deadlines, but even those are fluid. It makes it really difficult to narrow in on important tasks and have the focus to complete them.

 

Good for you for coming off caffeine, I hope that withdrawal isn't too bad for you. 

 

Yes I got completely off Effexor a while ago, I am now tapering off wellbutrin, and it is not at all pleasant. Im down to 10mg, but I am having a really tough time with it. I am just relieved to hear that I'm not the only one struggling with low energy. My anxiety is sky high and is causing so much grief. Im working on accepting it though, and i hope that will one day help me.

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

Hey @jen84 

Ya, not sure what's worse regarding deadlines. Having structure helps, but the go-go-go can also wear you out. Maybe you could ask for a mentor or something at work to help you with the work issues?

 

Oh, with coffee, I go back and forth. It makes me anxious, but on the flip side, there's only so much fatigue I can handle. arggg. 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

Hi SA Friends,

An exploration of my low motivation.

 

I have most of this week off, and I've been doing very little. I keep assuming that it's low motivation, but I don't really know what makes motivation. Looking back at my day yesterday, I had planned three things: Coffee shop with someone, Christmas shopping, and going to the gym, but I only managed to do the first of these three things, and then spent the rest of the day in bed.

 

This was a typical day off for me. It was lovely to chat with this person, but I was pooped after and couldn't make myself leave the house again. When I was in bed all those hours, I cried some, slept some and watched motivational videos on Youtube for some. I generally wanted to do my other two tasks, and I got up a couple of times, circled around to the kitchen and back, but didn't do anything. I didn't even make dinner, just snacked. I had slept 9 hrs the night before, so it wasn't sleep deprivation. At one point I glanced at my coat but didn't put it on. What went through my heart at that moment was a certain dread at the thought of leaving the house and being bombarded with stuff again. So ya, maybe my "low motivation" is more a combination of sadness and fatigue for me. My fatigue blood work came back normal, so it's probably just life issues and withdrawal. I might also be uninspired and overworked. 

 

On the up side, I remember the sleepiness being more severe a year ago. I couldn't close my eyes for more than a few seconds without slipping into dreaming or sleeping. It has definitely improved since then. I don't remember this much sadness then though, but oh well. There's also a lot of change in my life right now. I'll have the first meeting with a Life Coach on Monday. I don't trust anyone in the mental health field enough to share my struggles with them, but I wouldn't mind talking to another human being who can help me make sense of things. 

 

xoxo,

Marmot

Share this post


Link to post
FarmGirlWorks
20 hours ago, Marmot said:

I'll have the first meeting with a Life Coach on Monday. I don't trust anyone in the mental health field enough to share my struggles with them, but I wouldn't mind talking to another human being who can help me make sense of things. 

Hi @Marmot, thanks for talking so honestly about lack of motivation. I hear you. I can do something if someone (or in my case, AA meetings) is going to be there, but once at home, just feel like my brain goes in circles trying to make a few "goals" for the day. And then nothing happens. Love that you're going to see a life coach -- I've been thinking about that too. I do have a meeting next week with a Reverend at a progressive church who also is proficient at astrology -- one lens that I see the world through. Excited about that. Good luck with the life coach and let us know how it goes.

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot
On 12/13/2018 at 10:58 PM, jen84 said:

Yes I got completely off Effexor a while ago, I am now tapering off wellbutrin, and it is not at all pleasant. Im down to 10mg, but I am having a really tough time with it. I am just relieved to hear that I'm not the only one struggling with low energy. My anxiety is sky high and is causing so much grief. Im working on accepting it though, and i hope that will one day help me.

 

Hey Jen,

 

How's the acceptance going? Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. How do you bring yourself around to being okay? I just noticed ChessieCat's new waiting in line analogy on the acceptance thread, that hit home. You're definitely not alone with this stuff ❤

 

Btw, just checked out the tree upstairs; there are even lights on it. 

Share this post


Link to post
jen84

Hi Marmot, I don't know how this acceptance thing is going. I thought I was doing ok with it, then I had a terrible week and acceptance was the last thing on my mind. I've since upped my dose and am feeling about 60% better. I have a lot to learn still. I'll have to check out chessiecats newest post, thanks for letting me know it's there.

 

I quit caffeine a few years ago, and eventually my body adjusted to not needing that extra boost, i couldn't imagine drinking coffee now, i'd be bouncing off the walls.

 

Good luck with your life coach, please keep us posted on how it goes. 

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot
On 12/15/2018 at 3:15 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Hi @Marmot, thanks for talking so honestly about lack of motivation. I hear you. I can do something if someone (or in my case, AA meetings) is going to be there, but once at home, just feel like my brain goes in circles trying to make a few "goals" for the day. And then nothing happens. Love that you're going to see a life coach -- I've been thinking about that too. I do have a meeting next week with a Reverend at a progressive church who also is proficient at astrology -- one lens that I see the world through. Excited about that. Good luck with the life coach and let us know how it goes.

 

Neato, did you end up meeting the Reverend, how did it go? I've never heard of a progressive church, is that like Unitarian?

 

I had the meeting with the life coach, but she was into personality types and had me do a questionnaire for it. That setup was so reminiscent of psychiatry that I don't think I'll go back to see her. Her approach might be good for other people, and there are likely other coaches doing things differently, but I don't have the money to keep trying. I do need to figure out a way to move forward with my life though and get my own place. What I ended up doing when the life coach thing didn't work, is I bought a used elliptical, and then today I got some skis. I haven't been exercising much since summer, so maybe moving around more will pump me up. I want to be having fun this year instead of just working then sitting around being sad and tired. 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi marmot, 

 

I really had to say hi. Every time I see your cute avatar on this site I can’t stop smiling. It’s so adorable😍.

 

I’m curious too, what was the personality testing all about? I don’t have the brain power to go over your thread at the moment, but I just wanted to ask you how you’re doing?

 

Sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
FarmGirlWorks
2 hours ago, Marmot said:

What I ended up doing when the life coach thing didn't work, is I bought a used elliptical, and then today I got some skis. I haven't been exercising much since summer, so maybe moving around more will pump me up. I want to be having fun this year instead of just working then sitting around being sad and tired.

That is brilliant!!! I just saw a neighbor returning with her skis in hand and thought jealously, "I gotta do that!" What I've read on this forum time and time again, is that exercise helps. OF course, that is from folks who can exercise and not everyone can or it may not be good for them. I found last year that even doing a few laps in a pool was helpful. Good on you!

 

Yes, I did meet with the Reverend at a Unitarian church. We talked Jesus, crazy religious upbringing, and astrology -- all my favorites. I realized that I didn't have a specific question for her but she gave me exactly what I needed anyway. She analyzed a specific part of my chart that has gone thru 16 years of deep upheaval and said, "I see what you've gone through and it has been intense." I needed someone to say that authentically from the perspective of actually seeing a snapshot of my life. Just some validation, really. And the hope that the time period is (finally) changing. So, thanks for asking. It went well.

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

Hi Jen84, Carmie, and FarmGirlWorks, Thanks so much for writing, I really appreciate it and will try to respond in February. In a wave right now. Very very tired. Likely related to withdrawal + work stress. This month has been hard. On 22.5 mg twice a day since Dec 19. Will probably stay at this dose for a long time - until I stabilise enough to have some energy and joy again. Love, Marmot. 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Marmot, 

 

I’m so sorry you’re in a wave. That’s incredible you’re able to work, that must be really hard. Hope those windows start opening for you soon. Sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
jen84
On 1/12/2019 at 5:11 PM, Marmot said:

What I ended up doing when the life coach thing didn't work, is I bought a used elliptical, and then today I got some skis. I haven't been exercising much since summer, so maybe moving around more will pump me up. I want to be having fun this year instead of just working then sitting around being sad and tired

I am so excited that you bought skis. Are they for downhill or cross country? Either way, enjoy! I wish i had energy to get out skiing, but I just dont have any motivation. Sorry the life coach wasn't what you expected and i hope this wave passes soon for you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Kristine

❤️ xo

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Marmot, 

 

Just wanted to say thanks for popping over to my thread, much appreciated. I hope you’re coping okay with the wave you’ve been in and I hope you’re starting to see some windows, sending hugs🤗

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

Thank you so much Carmie, Kristine and jen84. Things are not much better yet. Had work stress, short version is that a supervisor told me that I was too slow and it hit a nerve with me because I was going as fast as I could. Then I tried harder, then had trouble sleeping, not seeing daylight, drinking more coffee, and then started getting hives and nausea/vomiting/irritability after eating again. It felt like a more minor version of when I quit the cipralex a couple of years ago. Had to go back to low allergen/low histamine diet again. I realised I went through 30 zofran in past two months, which I had to start taking so that I could eat. Just had 10 days "stay-cation", caught up on sleep, less itchy now, got outside most days. Trying to repair my health right now. Trying to study for work too, but hard because I can't focus my eyes properly. Thought it was dry eyes, but artificial tears not helping. Scared of going back to work tomorrow, but need to save enough to move out. I live in my dad's basement and family still not really understanding situation. Boyfriend gets it, and I know you guys get it too, thank you so much for sharing your stories. I will catch up on your threads and posts later ❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Marmot, 

 

How have things been at work since the stress with the supervisor?💚

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Marmot, 

 

Just dropping by to let you know I’m thinking of you. Hope everything is going okay at work. 💚

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Hi, Marmot, how are you doing?

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

Hi Carmie and Altostrata,

 

Thanks for messaging and sorry that I took so long to respond. I've been busy trying to deal with usual life and relationship stuff, but it seems to be easing up now. My job situation is a lot better, and the stress manageable. I restarted the taper in April and I believe that I'm still dealing with withdrawal symptoms, and that at the same time I continue to become more like myself. It's all a slow process, and it's still disorienting. 

 

Some things which continue to improve very slowly are my energy level and having moments of joy. I found that recently I have had an easier time becoming excited about things - like genuinely looking forward to things. Anhedonia was a issue for me for portions of my life. Often I would feel like a machine, just doing things to get them done. However, I went on a short trip this month and I really actually wanted to go. There were still times where in my head I thought, "oh well, I'll try to make something of this because I bought the ticket." But a lot of the time I was actually thinking more like, "Oh yay, my trip is only a few days away". Noticing that joy and energy grow is really special.

 

My concentration, ability to organise my mind clearly, and attention to surroundings are still lagging. I believe that these will improve in time too.

 

Love,

Marmot

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Marmot, 

 

I’m glad to hear some of your life stresses are easing up. I’m dealing with lots of life stresses myself. One day at a time, does it. 

 

That’s great you managed to start your taper again in April. It feels great making a drop and having some forward movement again, doesn’t it? It’s such a slow process that I’m always happy when I’m able to do the next drop. 

 

It’s so good to hear that you feel like you’re becoming more like yourself. It’s weird how our personalities change with the meds. I become so anhedonic at times, like you,  and I can’t feel joy. I still keep doing the things I love anyway, I think that’s really important. Lately the anhedonia has lifted a tiny bit and I found myself enjoying things again. When I’m taking a million and one photos I know the anhedonia is lifting to some extent.📸📸📸😁 Photography is one of my great joys.

 

I’m so glad you enjoyed your trip. Keep doing the things you love, even if you can’t quite feel the joy.

 

Sending hugs🤗

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie

Hi Marmot, 

 

Just popping in to see how you’re doing.💚

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot
On 6/1/2019 at 8:10 PM, Carmie said:

Hi Marmot, 

 

I’m glad to hear some of your life stresses are easing up. I’m dealing with lots of life stresses myself. One day at a time, does it. 

 

That’s great you managed to start your taper again in April. It feels great making a drop and having some forward movement again, doesn’t it? It’s such a slow process that I’m always happy when I’m able to do the next drop. 

 

It’s so good to hear that you feel like you’re becoming more like yourself. It’s weird how our personalities change with the meds. I become so anhedonic at times, like you,  and I can’t feel joy. I still keep doing the things I love anyway, I think that’s really important. Lately the anhedonia has lifted a tiny bit and I found myself enjoying things again. When I’m taking a million and one photos I know the anhedonia is lifting to some extent.📸📸📸😁 Photography is one of my great joys.

 

I’m so glad you enjoyed your trip. Keep doing the things you love, even if you can’t quite feel the joy.

 

Sending hugs🤗

 

 

 

 

Hi Carmie, Thanks so much for writing. It is still hard, but I look back to winter, and I realise it is much better. Yes it is a little scary how the meds change our personalities. I remember that being one of my main concerns when I went on the meds as a teenager, that it would change who I was. I also remember the doctors assuring me that the meds don't do that. Many years later I realised that was a lie. Yup. In what ways did your personality change Carmie?

 

I hope you keep taking photos! I wish I could see them. I started working on a painting last month to make sense of the changes, but I am very slow at everything right now, so it will take many more months.

 

Take care 👍

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot
On 2/1/2019 at 11:49 AM, jen84 said:

I am so excited that you bought skis. Are they for downhill or cross country? Either way, enjoy! I wish i had energy to get out skiing, but I just dont have any motivation. Sorry the life coach wasn't what you expected and i hope this wave passes soon for you. 

 

It's so funny Jen, I've been meaning to reply to your message since February. Living in slow-motion. But ya they are cross country. There is a river near where I live that people ski on in the winter, and I managed to get out four times. One of the times was really bad and I threw up and had to go home, the other times were so-so, and one time was really good and I was able to be mindful and enjoy the scenery. I can remember the view right now in my mind from that day, very bright with everything covered in snow, and the wind was blowing snow into the ski tracks. I still have the skis next to my door and so when winter comes again I will be more ready. 

 

I hope that your trip to Australia goes well!

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

I was just thinking that my energy level might be good enough to meditate now. I remember previously stopping meditation because every time I closed my eyes I would slip into dreaming right away. My tiredness is no longer that severe, so I will aim for 10 min meditation each day now. Just announcing that here for accountability, so I'm more likely to do it. Maybe this will help with my concentration and thinking issues. Thanks. 

Share this post


Link to post
jen84

@Marmot, thats one of my favorite times, xc skiing on a blue bird day, sun shining, fresh snow in the trees, birds chirping... It's so peaceful and serene. Glad you got out a few times. Im not ready for winter yet, but its coming faster than id like it to. Enjoy the meditations.

Share this post


Link to post
Carmie
On 7/11/2019 at 10:26 AM, Marmot said:

 

Hi Carmie, Thanks so much for writing. It is still hard, but I look back to winter, and I realise it is much better. Yes it is a little scary how the meds change our personalities. I remember that being one of my main concerns when I went on the meds as a teenager, that it would change who I was. I also remember the doctors assuring me that the meds don't do that. Many years later I realised that was a lie. Yup. In what ways did your personality change Carmie?

 

I hope you keep taking photos! I wish I could see them. I started working on a painting last month to make sense of the changes, but I am very slow at everything right now, so it will take many more months.

 

Take care 👍

 

Hi Marmot, 

 

I’m glad you can see some improvement since last winter. I think the main way the meds and withdrawals changed my personality was the anhedonia. It’s always there to a degree, but there are times I can feel joy. I felt a lot of joy in the last week doing fun things with friends. My illness can make me anhedonic too though. I’ve had brain fog for the last twenty five years because of it and I kind of live in a surreal world. I never feel like I’m quite here, it’s like I’m looking at the world through thick molasses. 

 

How is your painting going?👩‍🎨💚

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot
On 7/15/2019 at 7:55 PM, Carmie said:

How is your painting going?👩‍🎨💚

 

I'm sorry that you are having the brain fog situation. I understand that your illness is CFS as well as withdrawal? 

The painting is going well. I got the water and rocks mostly in, next going to work on the tree, then the islands in the background. Not rushing it though :)

Share this post


Link to post
Marmot

An exploration of sadness:

 

I have this week off work, and have been doing some reflection. I realise that I have a tendency to bulldoze over my sad emotions with attempts at happiness. I can even see it in my posts earlier in this thread which is one of the reasons I'm writing about it here. I had been more conscious recently about experiencing my anger towards the drugging situation for what it is (a normal reaction to control/betrayal) but I had not thought to do the same for sadness. In my previous posts and discussions, I would sometimes use dark humour and "lol" or "haha" even when feeling extremely injured inside. It was probably adaptive and helpful at the time because there was a lot of suffering, probably too much to process, especially early on in this journey. Either way, now I see those as responses which are just getting in the way of me understanding the pain. I guess some might call them defenses. Not to say that other people who joke about their distress are using it as a defense, there are probably very healthy ways that other people do it, but I think that for me, there was something like a despair or a disconnect behind it. 

 

Anyway, I have started to make contact with my own big sadness. This sadness, and the things that go with it like guilt, loneliness and confusion first started coming out in my painting recently - the grey background and eerie distorted islands. I realised last week that when I started thinking about sad things, I would picture that straight grey horizon that I was working on from the painting in my head. That's just what would accompany the feeling. I rarely journal, but two days ago had time, so I sat down at a coffee shop and started journalling about sadness and loneliness to see what might come up. I could only do a few minutes of this intense type of writing at a time, but things that I didn't expect like a few small memories from when I was a child came out on the paper. Nothing too dramatic, but real events with my own perspectives at the time that I have never brought conscious attention to. Experiences that with all of the drugs and labels I have still never had the chance to feel. I cried a little in the coffee shop, and still realise that I have only touched the surface of these feelings. 

 

Best wishes on your journeys,

Marmot

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...