Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

More spikes this morning.  It’s 4:21 am.  Last night I was able to go back to sleep.  I’m telling myself it will be the same this morning.

[sunnysideup69]

Hope you got back to sleep, Rosetta  

[Rosetta]

It was around 5:30 or 6 when I went back to sleep.  I drank warm milk and watched TV.

 

Here I am again.  It’s 2:00 am, and I just had a big spike — scared, sick to my stomach.  I had one right after I feel asleep around 9:45 pm, too.  My days aren’t bad.   I’m trying to be grateful for that.

[Elyssa143]

@Rosettai am so glad to hear your days aren’t so bad. I am having more manageable days but the waves are absolute hell. I told my fiancé I couldn’t do this anymore the other day. The suicidal stuff and intrusive thoughts and inner aka are so bad when the waves hit. I can’t believe I’m 33 months out and it’s still so bad. Anyway I was coming to ask if you had tried the adrenal cocktail all “food” but helps nourish the adrenals for cortisol spikes, what about l theanine or magnesium? I know your still struggling but I am glad to hear some things have improved hugs to u!

[Rosetta]

Eventually, I went back to sleep, but it took a long time.  Here I am again.  I woke up around 2:30, scared, and then angry.  I have been unconsciously pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth, and my chest is sore, my neck and jaw, too.  
 

I’m struggling with my daughter’s school issues.  It’s a long story, but it’s very complicated now that she’s in school 1/2 days.  I’m her teacher 1/2 the day, but I’m not privy to her classroom teacher’s reasoning.  I’m surprised by things, and the schedule I have made is unexpectedly altered.  I feel that we are always playing catch up.  I’m just not healthy enough to roll with this.  Today was very frustrating.  That’s what I’m feeling angry about.  I can’t be sure that I’m reacting with proper emotions.  So, I assume that I’m not, and I keep my mouth shut, but it is all getting pretty annoying.
 

I don’t even understand the assignment she was given.  It seems like a jumble of different assignments smushed into one.  What’s the point?  Is the fact it’s a jumble the point or is it supposed to be logical?  How can I ask that question without offending her teacher?  I can’t.  So, what do I do?  Does it even matter?  This is elementary school.  So what?  The fact that she tries to do the assignment is all that matters, perhaps?  I really don’t know.

 

What I do know is that we had a very unpleasant evening.  There was a lot of crying.  I would not have done this in the evening if I had known I needed to be involved in this part of the project.  But this report is due Friday, and my daughter didn’t even understand what was being asked of her.  Anyway, I’m in no shape, mentally, to be dealing with this.

[Rosetta]

I am awake again at almost 4:00 am, but I don’t feel as bad as I have previous nights.  Less pain although there is tension in my face and chest.  
 

I have had more energy the last two days.  Before that I was a couch potato.  
 

On goes the roller coaster . . .

[Rosetta]

Awake again at 4 instead of 2.  Feeling less awful.  Had the motivation to bake a banana bread today and take a walk.  I do realize how far I’ve come.  The effect my cycle has on me is so frustrating, but I have to be grateful for today.  It was a pretty good one.  

[Rosetta]

I’ve been functioning better.  I don’t feel great, but it’s not bad either.  I got to bed very late last night.  I woke up at about 5:00 am and was awake until about 7:00.  Then I slept another 45 minutes.  

I would have slept more except my daughter is learning through “distance learning” again.  She has to get up at 7:30 every morning now whereas before she was going to the school at about 11:30 most days per week.  So, I’ll be losing all the morning sleep I used to get after hours of insomnia.  Oh, joy.

 

Oh well, I get used to the new schedule.

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta!  My goodness you sound WONderful!!!  I am so happy to catch up on things and so happy to hear how well things are going!!  Your journey is a true inspiration!!  

My life came to a halt for a while with family issues and my daughter in the hospital etc.  But things have settled and I am so so grateful for so many 'angels' in out lives!!  Lots of angels here as well!!

Love and hugs to you!!💜

[Mimi79]

Hi @Rosetta,

I was reading my thread as I need some encouragement, because my OCD symptoms are back, and I realized how lucky I was to have you on my path

since the beginning. When I first arrived here on SA, you were very present to encourage and give me hope when I needed to.

I realized that you were very good to explain how WDs was working on our CNS. You have the words to help me understand what is going on in my body. Your are so bright and knowledgeable!
Just for my curiosity, what is your profession? 

Thank you again for all your help, and I wish you a beautiful week.

 

Mimi
 

[Rosetta]

Fourth Year Wave (maybe)

I am getting better all the time.  I continue to have monthly dips in my well-being, and I never know how bad they will be.  The monthly hormone changes appear to trigger waves.  I can’t get around that conclusion.  They are not always long, hard or intense waves.  I suppose I may have just had the 4th year wave?  Menopause or a combination of both?  It’s hard to tell.  It was rough and long.
 

Usually, I don’t have the most obvious sign of my cycle, but I did have it in October.  I had a “bad wave” beginning in Oct and continuing through Nov.  It was nothing like what used to happen to me.  It was bad.  That’s true, and it’s a bit horrifying to realize, now that I am “on the other side,” that the wave’s lowered intensity level indicates that I am healing.  There was pain — headaches, dystonia.  There was akathisia at a much lower level than ever before.   It was panic inducing, but it was hard to tell if there was a Pavlov’s dogs type of effect or the aka caused the anxiety independently.  I said to myself, “You are safe.  You are home.  You don’t have to be afraid,” over and over. There was confusion, bouts of depression, anxiety, very occasional ringing in my ears, insomnia, cortisol awakenings, and the state of my home became much, much worse.  
 

Fortunately, I managed through Halloween, made the costume, tricked and treated.  It was a hard Halloween, but the pandemic kept a lot of the pressure off.  My daughter was going to school for about 5 weeks during that time.  That’s all we had — 5 weeks of in-person school, but only half days.  At least I had 2-3 hours per day to myself and a reason to leave the house.  The wave was deep enough that my husband took my daughter to school for a couple of weeks, but I could have done that if I had had to.  There were few days when I didn’t feel I could drive.
 

Then, the wave lifted, and I was able to have a Christmas tree this year!  That’s pretty telling in term of healing.  I dealt with Christmas well up to about the 22nd, but I was hoping to have the gift opening at my home with my MIL.  I couldn’t do it.  In the midst of making a gingerbread Santa’s workshop, I melted. So, after two days of stress and my toxic anger, we decided to open gifts at my MIL’s.  Taking all that pressure off was the key.  We had a nice Christmas.  Santa had his homemade cookies, admired the workshop we had made, filled the stocking, and left his gifts at our house where we had a tree for the first time in two years or three perhaps.  I’m not sure. I think it might be three years that he left his gifts at my MIL’s.  I was absolutely panicked about the fact that my daughter wanted Santa to bring her the cat who went missing in the Fall of 2019.  She handled it well that Santa couldn’t deliver.

 

@Mimi79Sorry, Mimi, I haven’t been here. You are welcome.  I’m happy you benefitted from what I have learned.  If not for SA, we would all be walking in the dark.  It makes me feel good that you think I helped you.  Thanks for reaching out.  I hope you are doing all right.

I was a social worker, essentially, not by title, a long time ago.  I have a Lit degree.  By accident, I worked with kids who were troubled, and then, again, by accident, with adult addicts - as the Fates must find very humorous.  I wasn’t supposed to be helping either group with their real problems.  I worked on a secondary consequence of those problems without the tools, training or funding to do anything remotely helpful for their situations.  It was only when someone who wasn’t an addict tripped and fell into my orbit that I was able to do anything useful.   So, no wonder I ended up on “anti-depressants.“

[Mimi79]

10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I was a social worker, essentially, not by title, a long time ago.  I have a Lit degree.  By accident, I worked with kids who were troubled, and then, again, by accident, with adult addicts - as the Fates must find very humorous.

Maybe you hadn’t the title, but I do see in you this human intelligence, this foresight, this sensibility... I don’t know how to express it in English... You truly understand what we are living in WD, and you have the right words to explain it... 

Sometimes I didn’t understand myself in this WD nightmare, then you wrote it in your words, like if you were in my head, and It was exactly what I was trying to figure out!

I’m sure you are an exceptional person to be around.

 

Thank you again for all your help. Life or fate, or whatever you call it, put SA and all of you on my recovery path and I am grateful for that. Like you said, I was walking in the dark and all this big WD family appeared to help me.

 

And on top of that, it allowed me to improve my English...

 

Mimi79

 

 

 

[Kiwi123456]

10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

That’s good news!  How stressful.  I’m sure you need a break.  Having a contract job is a plus.  Enjoy your departure from an absurd situation.

Hi Rosetta

 

How is your dystonia and other muscles issues?? Have it improved?

 

Thanks

[Rosetta]

You are welcome, Mimi.  Thanks you for being here, too.  Too bad we had to meet under such circumstances, but I’m glad we did. @Mimi79

 

Well, last night was a night of insomnia.  I was awake all night until about 7:00 am or later.  I slept only about 2 hours, and I have awakened with anxiety.  Not fun, but it feels so familiar, and I know it will go away.  That knowledge is a luxury that has been given to me due to years of healing from this horrible syndrome.  I won’t be able to do what I would like today, but I’m here to live it.  I’m very happy to be here with my little girl, and be alive.

[manymoretodays]

23 hours ago, Kiwi123456 said:

Hi Rosetta

 

How is your dystonia and other muscles issues?? Have it improved?

 

Thanks

 

Hi Kiwi, and Rosetta ❤️

 

I just moved Kiwi's recent post on ShiningLights Introduction over here.  @Kiwi123456 This way you can see Rosetta's Introduction and progress yourself and then Rosetta will also see your post.  Welcome aboard Kiwi123456. 

And happy New Year to you both!  The countdown begins......or something.....

 

Oh best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[Rosetta]

Thanks MMT.  I wrote on Kiwi’s thread.

 

DYSTONIA

 

Here are my thoughts on dystonia.  I developed dystonia many, many years ago.  It was in 2004, I think.  I started having all sorts of muscle problems.  I was taking Celexa, and I didn’t know about the important of consistent dosing, taking it everyday and at the same time.  I was suffering from anxiety after several years of Celexa, but not a word was ever said to me about this side effect.  I started falling down stairs, twisting my good ankle on the right side, and struggling to stretch out.  
 

I never knew it had a name, it was caused by anti-depressants not that it was anything other than aging or injuries.  I had a cracked vertebrae in 1995 before I ever took Celexa.  I had no problem healing from that although I was prescribe Fiorinal, a barbiturate for about 20 months or so.  I CT’d that in the Summer of 1996.  I think I developed PAWS after that and I was prescribed Paxil and some other anti-depressant.  I couldn’t tolerate them.  Then a doctor prescribed the sleeping pills, but she was very, very clear that they were dangerous.  I didn’t take many.  In 2001, I think, I was given Celexa.  By 2004, I now know, I was showing signs of dystonia: problems with my right hip and ankle and falling down stairs.

 

Dystonia is a real bear.  Mine was very painful for years.  Not anymore. It was undiagnosed for me.  My dose was raised and raised without any monitoring of my physical condition, of course.

 

It definitely gets better.  If you have seen it get better, I have no doubt you will heal.  The reason the doctors think it’s permanent is because they continue to make terrible mistakes.   They prescribe a different drug as a result of dystonia’s development.  Therefore, they throw the patient’s system into withdrawal from the first drug.  Withdrawal exacerbates dystonia.  

Simple withdrawal goes away.  Post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS), which what everyone here means by WD, lasts months or years.  (It’s the same condition that alcoholics and recovering alcoholics have.) PAWS has a pattern of windows and waves.  So, dystonia comes back over and over.  
 

PAWS also has periods when symptoms are much worse than during the latest wave.  Don’t be concerned if dystonia gets worse.  If so, you are having a bad wave.  It does not means dystonia is worse for all time.  Bad waves can come at anytime, but they often come within two months of your anniversary of quitting the drug.  Whether that holds true for short term/bad reaction people I’m not sure.
 

Each time my medication was increased, the dystonia got a little worse.  Giving birth with dystonia in my hip was quite the feat — 32 hours.  No one ever warned me about dystonia, told me what to look for, asked me any questions about my physical condition . . . No.  It was always a simple refill of the prescription or increase in dosage with no one breathe of concern for side effects or long term issues or, quite frankly, my well being, in general.  I’m sure that some of them cared, but they didn’t bother to find out what the consequences could be nor how to prevent or minimize them.
 

Dystonia was bad even before my medicine was cold switched to Zoloft right after my baby was born in 2011.  It stayed steadily annoying, but not debilitating throughout increases in Zoloft from 10 mg to 150 mg.  It was much, much worse after I quit Zoloft in February of 2016.  At first, I felt good.  Within a couple of months I thought I had had a stroke.  The whole right side of my body was hurting on various places due to muscle contractions that caused, pain, pins and needles, numbness, and much decreased mobility. My right forearm was the worst.  Eventually, I figured out that a heating pad on my right forearm not only helped my forearm, but my headaches, too.
 

I have seen windows and waves type healing with dystonia.  I no longer have severe headaches or a twisting of my neck and head.  I feel an uncomfortable sensation, get slight headaches and have limited mobility in my neck and hip.  I feel discomfort in my calf and my right ankle doesn’t work properly.  I used to fall down stairs.

 

My hormonal cycle affects dystonia a lot.  Progesterone and estrogen level affect the level of dystonia.  Less estrogen is a negative thing, I think.  
 

I have been off all drugs for 3 years, 10 1/2 months.  I still have dystonia, but the fact that it has improved a lot gives me hope that it will eventually heal.

 

Stretching, yoga, and some exercise will help. At time stretching will do nothing.  At times exercise will make it worse.  When I’m having a bout, reading and writing make it worse.  It’s in my eye.  In fact, it’s up and down the entire right side of my body.  I’m now to the point that I can read or write without getting a headache except on some occasions.  

 

There is a mental component to dystonia.  I haven’t been able to find out exactly why or how, but my mood is worse while I have it.  I’m easily irritated, easily angered, that sort of thing.  It’s not just because Im uncomfortable or in pain.  It’s something more.  The changes in the body that allow dystonia affect mood perhaps?

 

Dystonia is one of the longest lasting withdrawal effects for me.  It’s at tolerable level now.  I really regret that it affects my ability to ride a bike.  Getting off the bike is hard, and I’m afraid of falling.  Getting on isn’t bad.  Having to get off quickly scares me, so I think I’ll get one that is a bit short for me.

 

There you have it.  I try not to be bitter . . . But I fail frequently.

 

 

[Carolina]

Rosetta,

I am new to the SA community. Reading your thread filled me with awe and dread. You are truly so very brave and strong to have gone and continue to go through WD. I have a daughter and am planning on embarking on a lexapro taper. I sincerely  ask you, is it worth it? Is being off the medication worth the pain?

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta,

Sent you a message but wanted to say hi here as well. Im SO excited about your Christmas tree, gingerbread house, and cookies...oh my!!!  I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am!!  And to see the need to let go, ease the stress, and go to your MILs for a relaxing happy Christmas is fabulous!  

The dystonia is something I didnt understand was even happening until I came here and thank you for always making it as clear as you do!

On 12/31/2020 at 11:35 AM, Rosetta said:

Well, last night was a night of insomnia.  I was awake all night until about 7:00 am or later.  I slept only about 2 hours, and I have awakened with anxiety.  Not fun, but it feels so familiar, and I know it will go away.  That knowledge is a luxury that has been given to me due to years of healing from this horrible syndrome.  I won’t be able to do what I would like today, but I’m here to live it.  I’m very happy to be here with my little girl, and be alive.

THAT is so beautiful and brought a tear to my eyes!!!  There has been such a huge leap from last winter!!  It truly warms my heart, Rosetta!  Not only are you here to live it but you are really really living it.  I couldn't be happier for you and in anymore awe of you as well.  You have fought through SO much!  Your strength and determination and sharing are a gift that everyone here is able to open again and again with each new day. Blessings and thanks to you Rosetta in this new year and always!!💜

[ShiningLight]

Rosetta,

 

I'm so glad to hear that you are having some better times.

This is responding to an older post of yours, but I'm going to do it anyway. Don't forget that plenty of people are poor housekeepers even at baseline. I count myself among the ranks. During wd it's gotten so much worse.

 

 

[Lexapro88]

Rosetta, 

 

I am new to the SA community. I have a 15 month old daughter. I wanted to say you have shown such courage and strength. I hope I can display half as much courage and grit as you for what is to come. 

[Sheera]

So happy that your Christmas has been better and you’re seeing improvements. ❤️

[FarmGirlWorks]

@Rosetta: good post on dystonia. It is amazing how much you’ve endured and I’m so glad that the situation has improved. Hope your holidays were good.

[Rosetta]

Thanks @FarmGirlWorksHope yours was, too!  Are you doing all right?  I’ll check your thread. -R

[Rosetta]

Thanks @ShiningLight  Yeah, I wasn’t exactly June Cleaver to begin with.  It’s going to get better!  It has to.

 

I posted on your threads @Carolina and @Lexapro88.  Welcome to our community!

[Rosetta]

Having a bit of a small wave.  Feeling pretty irritable, especially after dark.  Not sleep so well. I was up for at least 2-3 hours last night.  Had to get up at 8:00 for the little one’s zoom school.

[Erell]

Hello dear

 

I just read your post about Dystonia : with all you have endured, I'm amazed by your strenght, and inspired by your trust in healing.

You certainly are an inspiration to this community !

 

I sure hope that this year will bring you more and more healing ❤

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta.  Im sorry about your wave.  I have hit one as well.  I forget how they are when I am in a window and viceversa it seems.  

I wanted you to know I was thinking about you so much lately and how you have been there for your daughter in spite of everything you have been going through!!  Your strength, perseverance,  determination and SUCH devotion and love is so inspiring!  The teaching at her school, at home, prepping her for classes and now the zoom sessions, etc.  Being there when she would be fearful or up at night...just so so much to keep her life as normal as possible.  You have been such an inspiration to me as well as a voice of experience and reason.  You are one of the angels in my life and I am so grateful to have you as a friend.  

I hope you are feeling some better.  Thinking about you Rosetta!  Take care my friend!💜

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Thanks so much for popping around to my thread. I’m sorry you’ve been in a wave. How have you been doing the last year? I can’t read a lot because of brainfog, sending hugs🧡

[Carolina]

Thank you for your message and support @rosetta. Truly appreciate it. Hope you and the little one are doing well. 

 

 

[Carolina]

Also quick question ( as I am trying to find motivation when in waves). Have the full gama of your feelings retuned ( the good and the bad)? Or are they still quite numbed? 
 

Thank you! 

[Mimi79]

Hi @Rosetta

How are you these days? Is your wave over? I hope you are feeling good and your sleep is better. 

I hope homeschooling is going well with your daughter. 

I’m still in this wave since November and try to find some hope. Not easy. I’ve never had a wave this long. I’m so tired.

Anyway, we have to keep going...

I just wanted to have some fresh news!

 

Have a nice St-Valentine’s day!

 

Anne-Marie 

[Rosetta]

THIS IS MY FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY.  
 

It’s not a very good update because at the moment I’m struggling.
 

The one thing that I rarely ever have is akathisia.  Once in a while I have restless legs in the evening or I have racing thoughts, and insomnia with racing thoughts.

 

I have been in a long wave since my last post.  I am so tired.  The dystonia started again, and it was very bad one day about 2 weeks ago.  I had a splitting headache on the right side for a day and a half.  That almost never happens these days.  It’s usually more of a dull ache rather that strong pain.  Since then, the whole right side of my body has been contracted from my toes to my eye much of each day. If I read or write it gets worse. I have had twitches in my right eye and eyelid.  I even had a twitch in my chin just below my lip.  That was new.    
 

Sometimes, dystonia gets better for no obvious reason, but I have not had a day without it for at least 3 weeks.  It’s not painful most of the time if I avoid reading and writing.  I have confirmed that there are hormones in the body that affect dystonia, and the same hormones that fluctuate during menses are involved.

I have had strong cramps from my cycle this month.  They were so bad day before yesterday that I thought I had pulled a muscle in my back.  The stretched from my knees to my waist.  That hasn’t happened in many months.   I never knew that I would get to a point of not needing feminine hygiene products but still having all the other issues from PMS — anxiety, cramps, gastrointestinal issues, acne, headaches, angry outbursts.  I don’t believe it would be this bad if I did not have PAWS.
 

I have been falling asleep in the middle of the day and waking with a start after only a few minutes and then being very activated and nervous — a cortisol spike.  Toxic naps is what some people call them.  I have some in the night, too, and I wake up in fear.  It’s not as bad as my last long wave when I had cortisol spikes 3 or 4 or 5 times a night.
 

Being able to nap in the day has not yet returned for me.  I guess it will be another year or two for that.  

 

My mood has been awful, of course.  There are moments that are fine.  I am happy sometimes.  It’s better if I am distracted or I happen to have only very mild dystonia.  Overall, I’m not anxious, but it’s always near the surface.   When bad things happen I get very upset very quickly.  I’m on the edge of anger most of the time.  I yell as a response.  

 

I’m just not me.  I hate myself.  I really do.  I feel I am a terrible mother, and I’m so worried that I have damaged my daughter.  She was only 5 when I quit Zoloft.  She is going to be 10 soon.  Those are formative years.  I used to think I would get well quickly enough that she would be ok, but it’s all ready too late.  I can’t believe this has gone on so long.  It’s so unfair to her. After all the awfulness I went through with my own mother, I was determined to be a good mother.  
 

I don’t know how to stop yelling.  It just comes out.   Even if I can avoid it for 1/2 an hour after something happens, something else happens, and I lose my control.  It’s rare that I am yelling AT her, but that doesn’t matter.  I know that doesn’t matter.  Anyone nearby feels it as if I am yelling at them.  The only thing I can do isolate myself from everyone.
 

I gave in to the pressure from my husband and MIL, and we got a puppy 2 weeks ago.  It has caused me immense anxiety.  My husband now realizes it was a mistake, but we can’t take it away from my daughter now.  This has been my life for years: having to avoid anything that might cause me stress.  Trying to provide my daughter with normal things causes stress I can’t handle.  Birthday parties, Christmas, Easter — they all cause me so much anxiety.  This dog is worse than anything else because it is a problem every single day.
 

The dog pees in the house, chews up the shoes, whines — all puppy things.  We weren’t going to get a puppy, but there weren’t many options.  We couldn’t get a dog with ingrained behavior issues.  The most difficult is that he pulls on the leash and irritates all the muscles that have dystonia.  It’s been several days since I walked him because it aggravates the dystonia.  I don’t have as much control with my left arm.  Such a mistake.
 

I do believe that I will get over this someday, but my daughter’s childhood has been affected far too much.  I have to find a way to make things better for her.

 

As far as healing goes, I think that avoiding stress is important for day to day life, but healing will happen eventually.

 

I keep saying the same thing over and over in the hopes that someone will benefit.  Here is something I wrote to another member:

 

My emotions came and went with windows and waves.  It’s rare now that I am numb, and it only lasts for a few minutes or hours.  It’s also much less frequent that I feel slightly manic or depressed.  Everything has become less intense, less frequent, and more normal.  It happened very slowly, and it was not a linear process.  There were lots of ups and downs.  

The fact that recovery is not linear is the most perplexing and problematic part of the syndrome.  It is why people lose hope and go back to medication or drink or accept Xanax prescriptions. (Never add Xanax to your situation.  It is addictive within 2 weeks, and it would be the worst threat to your recovery.)  If you can come to terms with the fact that recovery is going to look as if you are having constant set backs, but persevere in the face of those set backs, you will recover.  It will take a long time, but it will be worth it.
 

Some people say that the good emotions come back later than the bad emotions.  I think that may have been true for me except for occasional swings into mania that I don’t have any longer.  These strange swings back and forth are very frequently misdiagnosed as bi-polar II.  The medication given for BP II exacerbates PAWS and patients end up “permanently” ill not because they are incapable of healing, but because the doctors do not know how to distinguish PAWS from true illness.  Neither do they recognize the side effects of medication as side effects.  They tend to see them as the emergence of new illnesses.  It seems incredible doesn’t it? More drugs will almost always hurt a person suffering from PAWS.  The doctors think ADs and APs cannot cause simple withdrawal or PAWS.  So, they end up causing WD or PAWS to worsen, and they kill people.
 

I have a very strong response to my monthly hormones, and PMS anxiety has been the most frustrating thing for me throughout this ordeal.  I think that my own hormones are poisoning me over and over.  So, if you are a woman, you should consider that any worsening of your condition may be related to hormones and is temporary.    You might feel much worse than previous PMS made you feel, but don’t mistake extreme PMS for a worsening condition overall.
 

It’s a mistake to drink alcohol - a major mistake.  Alcohol is extremely bad for a person suffering from withdrawal from other drugs.  (I would not, of course, suggest any illegal drug nor marijuana, legal or not.  Anything that messes with the brain is going to set back your healing.) Then, there are mistakes like adrenaline based numbing agents at the dentist.  You can ask for an alternative.  Do so.  Do not get a colonoscopy unless you absolutely must.  The drugs they will give you affect your brain.  You are going to have all kinds of aches and pains and odd symptoms.  Sometimes, searching for the cause results in re-injury depending upon the drugs the doctors use while investigating.
 

There might be unavoidable surgeries or accidents.  If you can, avoid doing anything that might cause an ER visit.  You don’t want to take any pain medication other than over the counter.  Prescription pain meds will set you back.  So, try to avoid injury.

 

Generally, the reason that people do not heal is because they make their conditions worse by drinking, taking drugs, CTing the AD instead of tapering very, very, very slowly or something out of their control makes their condition worse.  This isn’t permanent.  It just feels permanent.

[Rosetta]

@Mimi79

 

I’m sorry I have not written back, Mimi.  I suspect I may be coming out of the wave because I feel clear enough to write here.  It’s been disappointing to have this long wave, but each one is a little bit less awful than the last.

 

Mimi, when people quit ADs, they might not notice much of an effect.  Other people suffer a lot.  It seems that the second time a person quits has a greater chance of hurting the nervous system, the third time an even greater chance, etc.  That might be why you weren’t affected as much when you quit the other drugs.  It’s possible that mirtazapine isn’t different, but it’s the 3rd or so drug that you are trying quit, and your nervous system is too fragile.

 

It’s also true that many people feel the effect of quitting the first drug, but it isn’t very strong, so they don’t make the connection between quitting and any odd emotional feelings or muscle twitches, etc.

 

Journaling HERE but you might find it informative:

 

As I look back, I can see that almost every episode of depression or anxiety was preceded by a surgery, the trial of an AD, or some pain medication.  Even when I was 10 years old, and I had eye surgery, I went into a long depression that lasted into the next school year.  Everyone thought it had to do with what was happening in my life, and I’m sure it did, but perhaps I would have been more resilient if not for the anesthesia.
 

I have never craved any drug except when I discovered that a benzo relieved what I now know was dystonia - splitting headaches — which were caused by withdrawal syndrome intersecting with my menstrual cycle.  I saw that connection, but I was aware of the dangers of benzos.  Even those headaches did not last more than 2-3 days, so taking medication every day never occurred to me.  Besides, I knew it was dangerous.  Not an option.  
 

Quitting pain medication after an injury was “easy” when the prescription ran out.  I never asked for more because I didn’t feel enough pain or because the pain was not in the location of the injury.  I didn’t make the connection, or I didn’t believe I needed it.  I discovered that a heating pad did enough to get me through.  However, what I did not realize was that those drugs had the effect of changing my mood, my energy level, and my outlook on life.  For months, I struggled, and I believed it was because of my upbringing, an assault in college, an abusive boss . . .
 

It never occurred to me that surgery on my appendix when I was 18 damaged my brain, and ADs after that exacerbated the damage, and prolonged the suffering. Getting my wisdom teeth out the next year most likely brought back the depression.  Drinking in college did not help.  And on and on and on.

 

What I thought was an illness called depression was iatrogenic injury occurring over and over again.  It wasn’t a part of me — a genetic brain disorder or a brain disorder caused solely by adverse experiences in life.  Those experiences contributed, but the surgeries, the AD trial (which I stopped when it made me feel worse), the “innocent” college drinking just kept the ball rolling.  
 

I could never drink much; it had a much stronger affect on me than others, and I usually fell asleep after only 2.  Why?  Because my nervous system was that fragile.  Just as people can’t take a full “therapeutic dose” after quitting ADs, many people can’t take much of any drug, including alcohol, after surgery.  No one told me that.  No one warned me.  Not the hospital, not the doctor, no one told an 18 year old kid that after anesthesia the nervous system is fragile and needs time without jostling.

 

At any rate, I’m angry that doctors don’t educate their patients.  I’m angry that they don’t know themselves.  If only I had been told what the possible effects of anesthesia or courses of pain medication might be, I might have had a chance to avoid all of this.  Perhaps I would not have taken the chance, but being told I was born damaged and needed ADs to survive when that was not true and the drug companies KNEW it was not true!  
 

And here I am, 4 years after acting on my suspicion that Zoloft was killing me, still healing, still living on a rollercoaster.  What do you think the chances are that menopause is worse for some women because of the drugs they have taken throughout their lifetimes?  It’s very clear to me that my nervous system can’t handle its own hormones.  Why would that be?  It’s not natural, of that I’m sure.
 

I can’t write any longer as dystonia is worse.  

 

 

[Rosetta]

I am doing better.  Dystonia is lessening.  I’m having hot flashes at night.  Two or three per night, and afterward I’m chilled.  I have maybe one or two during the day.

 

I feel more clear headed and able to handle things that go wrong.  If only this would last.

[Rabe]

My Dear Friend,

I have been reading your posts.  I am so sorry things have been so rocky of late....made my heart ache to read it all. Then I got to your most recent posts and was so so grateful that things seem to be lifting for you! 

I want to say that I do not believe you are or ever have been a bad mom....not ever, though I know from my own self that that is how it feels sometimes.  When I think back on all the things you have done for and with your daughter....the teaching at school, the many projects and homework assignments, the birthdays, the trips, the times you have shared, the being up with her at night....there is SO much goodness in it all Rosetta.  She won't forget that.  I know that is hard to believe but I truly know this from my own life.  I also know that my daughter and others I know having and raising children feel they are not good mothers and they are dealing with none of what you have and continue to deal with!  My daughters relates to her need to be 'perfect' and 'in control' and we talk and I share that my experience is those are trauma related issues and neither is a reality.  We can only go day to day and do the very best we can and you have and continue to do that every single hour of every single day Rosetta.  There is no stronger love than your love for your daughter and it has illuminated your journey here.  It is palpable in your posts and the words in your posts and it is and has truly been a beautiful thing to experience.  You have had obstacles every single day that most moms do not, and yet you have been there for your daughter....and for those of us here as well.  I am so proud to call you my friend!  I hold you in my heart and prayers through these difficult days!  Hoping you can be kind to yourself and know how truly special you are!  Love and hugs!💜

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta,

I had some information about estrogen that I thought you would find interesting and hopefully helpful.  Was going to message you but it says you cannot receive messages?  In any case if you are interested let me know.  💜