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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 and too fast taper Feb 2017

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Rosetta

The emotional stuff is extremely intense right now.  I don't know what to make of it.  I'm definitely having changes in my brain happening rapidly, but it's actually frightening.  It's very difficult to manage my response to these events.  At times, I just have to let it wash over me.  I feel more sensitive instead of less, actually, and more unpredictable, and more afraid of my own mind and what it's going to do.  I'm trying to withdraw more to protect myself.  So, I might be less active for a while.  

 

I'm struggling with the effect that the suffering of others has on me at time when my emotions are often very intense.  At other times they are nearly non-existent which is also quite distressing.  I'm feeling a lot of grief during the anhedonia and a very strong sense of  loss. I have good emotions so rarely, and they are short-lived.  I'm trying to think of or find ways to deal with this.

 

Maybe be this is PMS being intensified by WD?  Maybe it's just my version of the 12 month wave? 

 

I'm tired, so tired, and I just want to be allowed to rest, but that's impossible in my situation.  I'm pulling back as much as I dare from everything I can.  My husband can take my daughter to see her grandmother without me, but then I feel a deep sense of loss.  So, I'm trying to be ok with that and accept it in the hopes that if I rest my healing time will be shorter overall.  It's still painful.  

 

I'm trying to avoid going to the school in the morning, but it's a hard balance as I tend to isolate in the house more if I don't go in the morning.  I barely get my walk in by 5:30, and I don't shower as often.  Maybe I just need to push myself more in the afternoon when anxiety is less likely to get high.  That's a better time to push myself.

 

In the night, I woke up for my usual short insomnia jaunt, and I did not feel terribly depressed, but only a little.  My mother popped into my mind then.  How I hate her!  The damn computer turned itself on for an update again.  That's why I woke up.  I'm ready to unplug it. 

 

Today was a day with no cortisol wake up, and I slept later than 5:30 or 6.  I've been using the eye mask to avoid the light on my eyes, and it's working.  My daughter is sick so I let her sleep to 7:30 and go to school late.  I also slept to 7:30.  After she went to school I began crying.  I felt afraid again.  I had a hard cry and told my husband all my fears.  He tried to make me feel better.

 

I think I'm afraid of my own brain.  I feel it's a foreign thing that doesn't belong to me.  It has a mind of its own, and it's trying to hurt me.  It's like walking on eggshells in a house with an unpredictable and abusive parent.  I know all about that.  It might sound silly to feel this way about my own brain, but it's something I have to depend on, and it's unreliable and sometimes cruel -- just exactly like my mother.  That's probably what this all boils down to -- those horrible, greedy, ignorant and irresponsible doctors gave me a drug that has left me in the same place I was at 15.  It's beyond torture -- it's my worst nightmare -- being back in that position of being dependent on a self-centered, abusive and cruel thing from which I cannot get away.

 

i didn't write this post expecting to end up there.  Not at all, but unless I'm too enamoured with my own analysis I think that, at least for me, that's what WD is from an emotional standpoint -- living with an abuser and having, literally, no way out.  The trick must to find a way to placate the thing.  That's really all I can do.

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DaveB
13 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

The emotional stuff is extremely intense right now.  I don't know what to make of it.  I'm definitely having changes in my brain happening rapidly, but it's actually frightening.  It's very difficult to manage my response to these events.  At times, I just have to let it wash over me.  I feel more sensitive instead of less, actually, and more unpredictable, and more afraid of my own mind and what it's going to do.  I'm trying to withdraw more to protect myself.  So, I might be less active for a while.  

 

I'm struggling with the effect that the suffering of others has on me at time when my emotions are often very intense.  At other times they are nearly non-existent which is also quite distressing.  I'm feeling a lot of grief during the anhedonia and a very strong sense of  loss. I have good emotions so rarely, and they are short-lived.  I'm trying to think of or find ways to deal with this.

 

Maybe be this is PMS being intensified by WD?  Maybe it's just my version of the 12 month wave? 

 

I'm tired, so tired, and I just want to be allowed to rest, but that's impossible in my situation.  I'm pulling back as much as I dare from everything I can.  My husband can take my daughter to see her grandmother without me, but then I feel a deep sense of loss.  So, I'm trying to be ok with that and accept it in the hopes that if I rest my healing time will be shorter overall.  It's still painful.  

 

I'm trying to avoid going to the school in the morning, but it's a hard balance as I tend to isolate in the house more if I don't go in the morning.  I barely get my walk in by 5:30, and I don't shower as often.  Maybe I just need to push myself more in the afternoon when anxiety is less likely to get high.  That's a better time to push myself.

 

In the night, I woke up for my usual short insomnia jaunt, and I did not feel terribly depressed, but only a little.  My mother popped into my mind then.  How I hate her!  The damn computer turned itself on for an update again.  That's why I woke up.  I'm ready to unplug it. 

 

Today was a day with no cortisol wake up, and I slept later than 5:30 or 6.  I've been using the eye mask to avoid the light on my eyes, and it's working.  My daughter is sick so I let her sleep to 7:30 and go to school late.  I also slept to 7:30.  After she went to school I began crying.  I felt afraid again.  I had a hard cry and told my husband all my fears.  He tried to make me feel better.

 

I think I'm afraid of my own brain.  I feel it's a foreign thing that doesn't belong to me.  It has a mind of its own, and it's trying to hurt me.  It's like walking on eggshells in a house with an unpredictable and abusive parent.  I know all about that.  It might sound silly to feel this way about my own brain, but it's something I have to depend on, and it's unreliable and sometimes cruel -- just exactly like my mother.  That's probably what this all boils down to -- those horrible, greedy, ignorant and irresponsible doctors gave me a drug that has left me in the same place I was at 15.  It's beyond torture -- it's my worst nightmare -- being back in that position of being dependent on a self-centered, abusive and cruel thing from which I cannot get away.

 

i didn't write this post expecting to end up there.  Not at all, but unless I'm too enamoured with my own analysis I think that, at least for me, that's what WD is from an emotional standpoint -- living with an abuser and having, literally, no way out.  The trick must to find a way to placate the thing.  That's really all I can do.

 

I am sorry for your struggles Rosetta, this place will be far less caring, warm, compassionate and uplifting if you are less active, but you need to do what is best for YOU!

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Rosetta

I'm beginning to wonder if the longer days in Spring are messing with me.  I've been suffering WD for literally years since my switch to Zoloft in 2011, and my husband noticed many years ago that Spring is very difficult for me.  I thought it was hormonal, but now I'm thinking its WD being exacerbated by the lengthening days.  If so, it has settled out every year.  

 

Circadian rhythm is a big factor in mental health so it makes sense.  See the topic below, Healing's post on the first page for this idea, and Altostrat's comment below that.  It's quite probable Spring is making us worse as the pituitary is doing its thing and all the other responses are out of character for a normal person's CNS.  Maybe these glasses are a solution!

 

 

 

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Scorpio

Hi rosetta

im so sorry you are going through this very hard time but like everything else in w/d it will pass. You are one strong lady that has already fought so much you will fight this period too. My thoughts are with you. 

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Cheeky

Rosetta, my heart goes out to you . I know you will heal , lit just takes time. Please look after yourself xxxxx

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JanCarol

Hey Rosetta!

 

On 11/01/2018 at 2:19 PM, Rosetta said:

it's just a travesty that first graders have homework

 

Yeah.  The Seventh Day Adventists have a theory that children shouldn't even be in school until age 8 or 10. 

The "Age of Reason" in Catholic (and other religions) is 7.

Children learn best through play, not homework!  And  all of their learning should be play-based until age 7!

But how do you change the system?  There's a lot to be said for homeschooling....

(just my non-parental educational theories - but I grew up in an educational family - University and HS and educational processes and theories were dinner table discussions.)

 

After sleeping on these thoughts - and hearing about your frustration with doing homework with her - I wonder - 

 

What kind of play can you pursue with her?  Physical play?  Imagination play?  Making funny faces and funny voices?  This would go a long way to showing her how much you love her without all the pressures of gymnastics, music lessons and maths homework...

 

On 13/01/2018 at 4:16 AM, Rosetta said:

Why do so few people complain about this symptom?  I believe that the loss of cog function is very hard to describe -- hard to put into words -- and it's the least of one's worries if sky high, constant anxiety is a daily battle.  

 

I reckon that all of us have deep societal conditioning about what we accept as "normal aging."  "Normal arthritis," "normal memory loss" - when really none of these things are normal - we've just been conditioned to think that (because everybody is on statins or something) it's "normal."

If you were to complain to someone - "I just can't find words when I want them," or "my vocabulary is shrinking" or even "I forget how to spell things," or (the one that really disturbed me, "I have to read the paragraph over and over to understand what it means..." - the someone you complained to would say, "Oh honey, you're over 40, that's normal."  Or even - "all Mothers have to let go of some things to make room for other things."

Rage, rage against the dying of the light!  It's not just about death, but also cognition!

If I present to someone, they'll call me "intelligent and knowledgeable" but you should've seen the fish that got away!  I used to see 16 moves ahead in chess (that was the first skill to go).  I picked up a guitar the other day - granted, it had been a few years, but I remembered even less than the last time I picked one up.  I used to read MedScape and studies and understand them.  Now - I know better.  I could understand them, but the time and effort it would take to do so is too much.  Would I rather spend 6 hours reading one report?  Or would those 6 hours be better spent on something else?  So when I see that a link goes to NIH (studies) or Medscape - I sigh, and don't even click anymore.

So - GOOD FOR YOU! - for learning the violin in the depths of your distress!  Don't accept it, always challenge it, and find new ways to work it!


I deeply appreciate the way you've spelled out the different ways cognitive ability is affected - thank you for doing that - I will be saving this paragraph for future reference:
 

On 13/01/2018 at 4:16 AM, Rosetta said:

For me there have been various incarnations of impaired cog function: demotivation is caused by ADWD.  One isn't simply confused, one is uninterested in taking action, or if one does feel inspired to take action - has motivation -- one can't follow through.  The executive function isn't working.  I would/will think of something I wanted, or more often needed, and I couldn't take the steps to get that object.  Either I lost motivation or I couldn't turn motivation into action.  Inability to plan is another symptom.  Sometimes I could not/cannot formulate a plan.  I would try to write one out, but I would become confused and feel that my plan wasn't complete or was nonsensical.  Ability to remember and form memories may be impaired, too.  Often, I cannot find the word for a simple object -- a spoon -- I'm was looking at a spoon; I needed that spoon, but I couldn't tell my husband what I needed.  I could say "that metal thing that I use to eat," but I couldn't say "spoon."  The inability to find a word is a frequent complaint on this board.  

 

I am going to add to your Inability to plan - in that - when we are in withdrawal and the world is so up-and-down, topsy turvy, or we have physical symptoms (mine was IBS) - it makes it difficult to plan.  Will I be well enough in a week's time to meet you for coffee?  If I start this project now, will I be capable of finishing it?  Or will I just leave it in piles all over the house?  You begin to function in very short term, indeed, moment to moment.  In some ways (mindfulness) this is good - but at some point - you want to live and do things that require more than a moment at a time!

You express yourself so clearly - that I have great confidence in your ability to heal, and you will help many along the way with your clear descriptions of what it feels like.

When I'm in an emotional muddle, or a cog fog, I may not be able to express what is happening to me.  But when I read your words, it becomes easier to say, "Yes.  It's like THAT, she's said it so well!"  In this regard you are a shining light for others.

 

On 13/01/2018 at 7:05 AM, Rosetta said:

 I kept trying to count my breaths, and then I would start to worry again.

 

You sound like an excellent candidate for some mindfulness.  I find Jon Kabat-Zinn recordings extremely helpful.  My husband has a CPAP machine, and I can't fall asleep to the sound of that thing, so I have cheap headphones-in-a-hairband (only I put it over my eyes like a blindfold, too)

th?id=OIP.SHYvJMes4R-FBWfEissiHAHaHO&pid

 

Then I can distract myself from the wheezing and snorkeling of hubby next to me (and the high pitched whine of the fan on hot nights), and listen to meditations and meditation music.

And Jon Kabat-Zinn is the best at distracting me from rumination (oh, I'm really really good at rumination!):
Jon Kabat-Zinn Cure Depression and Anxiety

Jon Kabat-Zinn Very Peaceful Guided Meditation

and

Jon Kabat-Zinn Body Scan

 

It's deeper than counting breaths.  Counting breaths still engages your mind - and the point of mindfulness is to detach from the mind and just observe it.  "Oh, I'm thinking again, thinking thinking."  It's minding the mind, instead of letting it run rampant over you.


I hope you see the sun today!

 

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Rosetta
12 hours ago, JanCarol said:

Hey Rosetta!

 

Thank you, JanCarol!  I'm very appreciative of your time and effort.  It means a great deal.

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Rosetta

Thank you @Cheeky @Scorpio. I'm touched that you care.  It helps to know that.  All my best, Rosetta

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Scorpio

Hi rosetta

 

How are you feeling today, hopefully some improvements,  

 

‘’my dental appointment was cancelled due to him being ill.  

 

Im thinking of you. 

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Rosetta
1 hour ago, Scorpio said:

Im thinking of you. 

Thank you, Scorpio.  I'm teary that you are checking on me.  

 

It's a "grind it out" kind of day as DaveB would say.  I had a very bad night.  There's probably some PMS going on making this worse.  It's one Hell of a wave, but I'm white knuckling it.  I have that internal vibration/restlessness again.  I went out to breakfast, for a walk by a lake, and I got my hair cut.  If I need to keep busy because of the Akathisia type issue I guess I'm better off outside and distracted although my instinct is to hide and isolate.  

 

I would hide and isolate today if I could.  My husband caught a cold from my daughter.  He's down for the count.  So, it's she and I for the rest of the day.  I hope she's not crabby when I pick her up.  

 

I wanted to spend today hiding in the dark on the couch watching Star Trek Voyager.  I'm very close to the end of the series, and I'm trying to space them out because I think I'll be devastated when my "friends" are gone.  Yes, I'm pathetic and proud of it!  The happy endings keep me sane.  I guess I'll watch The Next Generation when this is over although many of the characters annoy me.  Many happy endings there, but I always liked Voyager much more.

 

Cortisol spike at 3:00 am

Intense Crying for long period in night after cortisol spike

Neuro (faux) SI

Upon returning to sleep the Kindle beeped and woke me up.  I was very angry, but I guess that I was exhausted enough to go back to sleep.  Maybe the hormones released from crying helped.

Cortisol awakening 

Med-high anxiety

Visible shaking/trembling

Light Sensitivity

Inner restlessness calmed by walking (returns upon the end of the walk) -- Akathisia

Lack of appetite

Low blood sugar feelings

Muscle tension/dystonia in neck, face and eye, arm and fingers

 

Gastrointestinal issues have resolved for the day

 

Day 19 of my cycle

 

 

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Scorpio

Hi rosetta

you amaze me, all these symptoms and you can still get yourself out for a walk, one strong lady.  That lack of appetite gets me every time I go downhill. 

 

Are you playing nurse for your husband too or is he quite resilient. I assume your daughter is in school, what hours does she do. Our schools all seem to have different starting and finishing times these days. The one nearest us starts at 8.30 and ends at 2.45 which seems a really short day compared to when I was at school - in the dark ages. It was 8.50 until 4. 

 

‘’Tomorrow I have to pull myself together as I pick my 15 month grandson up from nursery at 12 for the afternoon while my daughter is at work. He always lifts me and generally exhausts me at the same time but I love him to bits. 

 

Keep going, you are getting better every day you go through these rotten symptoms. 

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Kristine

Sending you the biggest of hugs my friend :wub: as Scorpio said "you are one strong lady".  You are going to be okay.  Much Love. K xo

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Rosetta

@Scorpio @Kristine

 

Today my poor husband is on his own, but I took my daughter for spaghetti and brought him food.  He's not hungry.  

 

School is 8:00 to 2:15 except on Thurs it's to 1:15.  They have shortened the hours and taken away most of the recess time so that they don't have to pay the teachers and staff as much.  This means unstructured, creative play, sunshine and activity are the parents' problem.  The parents are usually at work until 6 or 7.  It's hard to find a way for her to get out and play with other kids.  So, she has activities, but it's not unstructured play the way it was for us.  If I were well I could do more for her -- have kids over, schedule play dates.  I try.

 

Scorpio, that's amazing, too, that you can care for a 15 month old!! He must be all over the place!  I know you aren't feeling well right now.

 

Kristine, Still worrying about you.  I'm sorry the Akathisia has returned.  Keep yourself cocooned.

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JanCarol

Hey Rosetta - 

 

On 17/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, Rosetta said:

 I had one cup of tea today.  I forgot to have a second.  Not good.  I'm going to have to have a second, but it's 10 pm.  

 

This is a good time for a green tea. 

 

Yes, there is caffeine in green tea (I've tapered down my caffeine so that I can do just a green tea and don't get the headaches - but I still have at least a green tea daily), but it's also got that lovely l-theanine (also in lemon balm) that is relaxing.  If you do not have milk in your green tea (it binds to the l-theanine and negates it), often the low caffeine (25 mg/cup) will be balanced by the l-theanine.

 

Just for fun, I found a chart to help you compare your cuppa tea/coffee etc:

 

Quote

Coffee drinks

Size in oz. (mL)

Caffeine (mg)

Brewed

8 (237)

95-165

Brewed, decaf

8 (237)

2-5

Espresso

1 (30)

47-64

Espresso, decaf

1 (30)

0

Instant

8 (237)

63

Instant, decaf

8 (237)

2

Latte or mocha

8 (237)

63-126

Teas

Size in oz. (mL)

Caffeine (mg)

Brewed black

8 (237)

25-48

Brewed black, decaf

8 (237)

2-5

Brewed green

8 (237)

25-29

Ready-to-drink, bottled

8 (237)

5-40

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/caffeine/art-20049372?pg=1

 

I decided (for myself) that the stress of totally decaffing was too much for me, so I still take a little caffeine each day.  But I can have just a cuppa green tea, and am spared the headache now.  And if I'm bold and dangerous I can have a coffee (always bulletproof, sorry AliG - maybe yours was not Espresso, which is lower in caffeine?), and usually live to tell the tale. 

My hardships come with the mid-afternoon lag, when I am dragging and really really really want a coffee, but if I do, I, like Ali, will regret it later....

 

The good news about caffeine, is that you can taper faster than psych drugs.  It's possible that you can taper as much as 25% a week.  The half-life of caffeine is about 6 hours, and while it is psychoactive, and does affect liver enzymes, (CYP1A2 is required to metabolise caffeine), it is still a relatively minor drug.

Reducing caffeine is an excellent goal - I was lucky and got away with just reducing (from 3 cups of strong coffee a day + Coca-Cola to where I am now).  You have a CT rollercoaster to ride, however, so the lower you can get it the better.  Maybe you can get down to just one green tea a day - and that might be enough.

Be sure and have lots of comforting alternatives - right now I'm having a lemon-balm tea with honey, and it is very comforting.  Other stimulating beverages include dandelion (too bitter for me), cardamom, black pepper, turmeric, maca (also an adrenal tonic), peppermint (yum!), hibiscus, cinnamon (Twinings has a lovely orange and cinnamon tea that I love), ginseng, ginger (might help with the constipation), and cayenne (I'm not brave enough to put straight cayenne in a tea yet, but I used to).

 

On 16/01/2018 at 4:42 AM, Rosetta said:

Ultimately, I read that intense exercise raises cortisol and the light went on.

 

At this point in time, you want parasympathetic exercise, like tai chi or yoga.

Here's one of my favourites (it's only 7 minutes long, so no excuses!):

 

After 7 minutes of this, you should feel a difference.  It may be minor at first, but like any practice, the more you do it, the more you build up a "bank" of resilience that you can draw upon in times of distress.

 

On 19/01/2018 at 8:09 AM, Rosetta said:

 Using this iPad still makes it all worse.

 

Oh dear!  You're the second person today who is using an iPad / tablet here.  How do you ever do it?  Can you TALK to your iPad and it types for you like an iPhone does?  If I were on a tablet, I would've broken the thing by now by throwing it out the window!  Do you have a laptop you can use?  Then you can limit your time here, just sit for an hour at a desk - and it might be easier on your eyes, your neck, your poor muscles, etc.  Just a thought!  (I'm thinking about myself here - you may be different - but I don't see how anyone can use a tablet for more than a few minutes at a time!)

 

On 18/01/2018 at 4:47 AM, Rosetta said:

Oh, btw, having magnesium and then downing 2 cups of tea has . . . consequences.  

 

Here's another comforting beverage that Alto started us on. 

Take your magnesium tablet, and dissolve it in a cup or two of water.  Stir until dissolved, then keep it in the fridge.

 

When you feel you are starting to ramp up, go to the fridge and take a few sips of your magnesium.  It's soothing and helps you adjust in small ways during the day, and might actually improve sleep at night and level out some cortisol spikes, too.  Another plus - it might help with muscular symptoms, as well.  There isn't much one can do for akathisia, but this is one that has a lot more plusses than minuses!

 

Also - do you know about magnesium baths?
Epsom Salts - Another Way to Relax with Magnesium

 

If you can get ahold of Magnesium chloride (flakes), it has a stronger anti-anxiety component to it than the Epsom salts, but if all you can get is Epsom salts,  it is excellent for muscle tension

 

.

On 20/01/2018 at 6:42 AM, Rosetta said:

Rocking helped me a little.  Maybe you can get someone to rock you like a baby.  My husband did this for me.


We had someone here with very bad dystonia and akathisia, and she loved her rocking chair.  She would rock and knit, rock some more.  It's one way to work through that intense movement.

i'm a little more radical and think that fighting the akathisia can make it worse.  You know "look normal" and all of that?  It's stressful!  So next time you feel a dystonia, exaggerate the movement, thrash your feet around until the urge to move them passes.  When you are less reactive, you might even be able to dance yourself free!

 

On 20/01/2018 at 6:17 AM, Rosetta said:

Sometimes I see people say they were so devoid of emotion that they hurt themselves to "feel something."  Now that there is distance between me and aka, and I have more clarity I wonder if these people have aka.  

 

As I've mentioned to you privately, I have worked closely with loved ones who self injured.  All of them were heavily drugged.  One of them "learned" the behaviour in hospital - she was crying miserably, and another patient said, "This is what I do to stop the pain," and showed her.  From that point on, it has been a default coping strategy that has been difficult to stop or even control.  All of the self-injurers I have known describe a feeling of "numbness" before the urge to injure becomes overwhelming and they self-harm.  I think there are a lot of drug side effects possibly involved.  Anhedonia, akathisia, and lack of impulse control among them.  But there has been a huge increase of self-injury among young people, and I think you're right.  I'll bet that the curve closely matches the prescription curve in young people.  I'm not suggesting that all self-injury is drug induced, but that the drugs make it much easier to fall into that trap.  And at one point, in the 90's, it even became "fashionable," and they were given the name "Emo."  But did anyone - ANYONE - look at the drugs?

 

You know the answer.

* * *

I'm a sci-fi nut, too!  I loved Orson Scott Card's "Alvin Maker Trilogy" (though that was more fantasy/alternate universe).  Right now I'm into dystopias (imagine that) and am re-reading 1984, Brave New World and Handmaid's Tale.  It's stunning how true most of it is, in too many ways! 

When I was younger and smarter, I liked to read "hard science" fiction, like Asimov - but now it hurts my brain, and I stick to "social" science fiction - Orson Scott Card is a good example of that!  Ethical dilemmas, social organisations.  

Have you read the Mars Trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson?  There was one that gave me hope - that humans can do it, can organize themselves in a way which makes a better society.  It was more Utopian than dystopian.  

* * *

On 18/01/2018 at 1:31 PM, Rosetta said:

Why do I hate taking a shower?

 

Because showers are shocking nasty things that spew water all over you and you stand there - uncomfortable - while the showerhead has it's way with you.  (and don't get me started about chlorine and fluoride in the water!)


I still think that showers are shocking, and prefer the bath.  Now the bath - it's hard to get me out of!  I load it up with magnesium salts, baking soda, and my favourite essential oils and bask around until the water is cold.  Sometimes (in the heat of summer here) I even take cold baths!  It's better to wash my hair in the shower, but it's easier to face the shower after a long soak....

 

On 20/01/2018 at 12:09 PM, Rosetta said:

tingling and numbness on the right side of my body.  I

 

Parathesia.  Normal in withdrawal.  I still get it from time to time - but nothing like what it was like on the drugs.

On 22/01/2018 at 2:59 AM, Rosetta said:

Now, I am faced with this mess everyday, and it's not good for my mental health.  I am uncomfortable in my own home.  I am less anxious than I used to be about the mess, and I've had a few days -- maybe 2-3 <snip> When will I be able to take action again?!!

 

One of my favourite bosses ever sometimes handed me huge stacks of work, and she would ask:

 

"How do you eat an elephant?"

"One bite at a time."

Each day that you don't add to it - is an improvement.

Each day that you throw 3 things way - is an improvement.

Like Ali said - tiny steps.  Maybe today you can't look at it, but tomorrow you can throw 5 things away.  That's still progress!

 

On 23/01/2018 at 2:30 PM, Rosetta said:

My dystonia was worse right before bed because I used the iPad, I assume.

 

This may be triggered by the blue light of the iPad (it would be the same for computer, but sometimes the TV is far enough away to be less of an issue.

I had to wear blue-blocking sunglasses in order to use the computer at night for at least a year.  I still put them on sometimes as they seem to soothe something in my brain. 

It's not unreasonable to assume that blue light is a trigger.  I found this to be good information:  http://psycheducation.org/treatment/bipolar-disorder-light-and-darkness/dark-therapy/

 

On 24/01/2018 at 5:38 AM, Rosetta said:

 

While I was on Zoloft, by far the worst symptom was rampant anxiety including anticipatory anxiety.

 

And of course, it's one of the SSRI's that is approved for anxiety and panic disorder.  What are they thinking?

Sorry this is so long - I could only visit in bursts today, and so there's a lot of various stuff in this post.  I reckon if you find 1 thing useful, then I've done a good thing!


I hope you see the sun today!

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Downbutnotout
On 3/5/2018 at 3:21 PM, DaveB said:

 

I am sorry for your struggles Rosetta, this place will be far less caring, warm, compassionate and uplifting if you are less active, but you need to do what is best for YOU!

It does sound like your emotions are coming back and you are making steady progress. You are a good person to read Rosetta. I’m sorry you’re having such a terrible time. 

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Rosetta

Thank you, JanCarol.  You make so good points.

 

Thsnks, @Downbutnotout I'll get through it somehow.

 

Day 20 of my cycle:

 

A huge improvement over yesterday

I feel more or less normal, but down or somewhat depressed.  After a hard day that seems predictable.

No cortisol awakening

No internal restlessness

Very slight dystonia -- in day (it's almost always there throughout the night -- connected to bruxism, I'm sure

Very mild anxiety

 

I feel an enveloping sadness and grief that this is going to go on for many months or longer.  

 

***Monica Cassani has written an update on beyondmeds.com about what has been happening with her.

 

 

 

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JanCarol

Good Day Rosetta !

 

On 30/01/2018 at 11:36 AM, Rosetta said:

They apparently have a new plastic contraption that he put in my mouth so that his assistant doesn't have to hold my tongue back or suction.  All she has to do is run water over my tooth with one hand and hand him instruments with the other.  Well, I won't go into detail, but this experience was extremely claustrophobic.  I'm traumatized.  I had never experienced that before.  Forty-five minutes.  Never, ever again!!!

 

You're too kind.

 

I've had this thing, and it was like rape.  Or - invasion at the very least.  I'll settle for "assault."


I've been listening to a former Dr. (she's been unlicensed) named Jennifer Daniels.  She talked about when she got her MD, they told her that she was immune from charges of assault or murder, because she was an MD.  She's a black woman, and this made her very suspicious - thinking they were leading her down the garden path, she investigated (she also has an MBA).  She said, "If someone on the street stuck you with a needle, it would be an assault, but when a doctor does it, it's 'for your own good.'"  If you die under a doctor's care, it's "care," but if someone else slowly poisoned you until you died, it would be murder.

Well, there are things which happen in the dentist's office, too.  And that sounds like assault!

 

(my other one is chiropractors.  Couldn't they at least buy me dinner or kiss me first?) 

 

On the flip side, you had a great window after you went through that.  I wonder about the stress of a bad tooth on your system.     ????It's all guesswork, but it's interesting to see correlation if not causation.

 

On 03/02/2018 at 7:38 AM, Rosetta said:

 I don't want to use magnesium because I'm afraid of cramps.

 

This makes me wonder what form of magnesium you are using.    Different magnesiums get different results with different people.  For me, mag citrate gives me the runs (and resulting cramping) but in general, magnesium should relieve cramps, not cause them...and mag glycinate/disglycinate doesn't cramp at all, and poo is normal.  I've added mag taurate because I had some cardiac issues, but that's just me.

I've become fond of figs.  I also know that a "dose" of prunes will help, too. (and drinking lots of water)  Some swear by pear juice, but I find it too mild to work, and like prune juice to help.  Once or twice a month (no more) I allow myself an herb to move things along - I reckon that the benefits of moving things along outweighs the harm of using the herbs (senna, or cascara sagrada).

I'm catching up!  I hope you see the sun today!

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RealMe
On 3/5/2018 at 1:19 PM, Rosetta said:

Thank you for this helpful list!  I hope you are doing ok, dear Rosetta.  I relate to all you said about lack of motivation. Most of the time I can only wish I would want to do things I formerly loved doing, although yesterday for about an hour or so I did have a little window with that symptom while my granddaughters were here.  Good sign that maybe more improvement will follow.

xo RM

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Rosetta
44 minutes ago, RealMe said:

Thank you for this helpful list!  I hope you are doing ok, dear Rosetta.  

Thanks, RM.. I'm glad your window was while your granddaughter was there.  How nice.

 

JanCarol, Thank you.  I'm hoping I can find the motivation to take all of your advice.  

 

I use mag citrate -- Calm.  I'm sitting outside to try to get sunlight.  

 

Volunteering at the school was very taxing and over stimulating this morning.  It's first grade.  The kids have so much energy.  I spend only 1 hour and 20 minutes with kids.  They come to my table in groups of 4-6 at a time for 15 minutes.  

 

This time, I was trying to get them to focus on writing sentences with proper punctuation.  Today, they were supposed to use an adjective in each sentence.  They are supposed to dream up their own sentence based on one word on a random card and the roll of a die that tells them what punctuation must go at the end of the sentence.  This activity goes against everything I believe about what they should be learning in first grade, of course.  

 

My daughter seems to enjoy getting my attention by doing her work incorrectly.  She used to cry to get my attention, but the teacher told her I couldn't visit any longer if she kept doing that.  So, now I get to see her spell all the words incorrectly.  She spells them in a phonetic way.  Everyone else in her high level reading group spells rather well.  I suspect she can, too, and certainly don't believe that she should be asked to do this kind of work at her age.  However, this neuro-pessimistic brain of mine leaves the school full of all sorts of fears and worries after I see her in class.  

 

Oh, well, wishing the world were different won't make it so, and it won't make my neuro-emotional brain any less scrambled either.  

 

She and I had a nice afternoon on Tuesday (two days ago) together at a crystal geode store.  I had started a window -- feeling "normal" -- that day in the afternoon.  The man at the store took her to see all the amazing geodes and let her hold a lot of them.  He had meteorites, too, and she held one.  He showed us a crystal with petroleum trapped inside.  The petroleum flowed as he moved the crystal about.  There were squares, triangles and hexagons that the Earth had made tucked away inside rocks.  I found those intriguing.  My daughter picked out a tiny sliver of a geode (amethyst) that she wants for her birthday.  Then we had spaghetti at a pizza place.  I'm holding on to that afternoon while I feel crummy today.

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doxxigirl

Hey Rosetta, I'm happy that you had some quality time with your daughter.  You are such a sweet person and an amazing Mom!  

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Downbutnotout
On 3/5/2018 at 3:21 PM, DaveB said:

 

I am sorry for your struggles Rosetta, this place will be far less caring, warm, compassionate and uplifting if you are less active, but you need to do what is best for YOU!

I do agree. 

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Rosetta

Wow.  It's day 21.  I just discovered that this wave has been and will be a WD enhanced PMS, I believe.  Oh, joy.  

 

Slept more or less ok last night with the usual short insomnia stint with lovely depressive thoughts and teariness thrown in.  

Very little morning cortisol.

Anxiety is med-low.

Depression/pessimism is rather strong.

Dystonia/muscle tension is slight unless I read.

Demotivated.

Irritable.

Sad.

Frustrated.

 

(Thanks for checking on me, @Downbutnotout.  That's so kind.  Hugs to you.)

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FarmGirlWorks
4 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Anxiety is med-low.

Depression/pessimism is rather strong.

Dystonia/muscle tension is slight unless I read.

Demotivated.

Irritable.

Sad.

Frustrated.

Yup: that is an accurate description for me too. Oh and it is Day 19 for me so bring on the joy :-) Hang in there and I will try too.

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Kristine

Sending you the biggest of hugs and love Rosetta :wub: K xo

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Cheeky

Hey Lovely Rosetta,

I'm just sending you big ((((((((((huggs)))))))

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JanCarol

Hey Rosetta -

 

On 06/02/2018 at 7:05 AM, Rosetta said:

I can't identify what it is about having a bath or shower that is causing this anxiety.  Why? Because it's not the bath that's the problem.  My mind is trying to identify the problem, but the truth is that there isn't a real life problem.  There is only a malfunctioning brain.

 

Oh dear, baths, too?

 

I was writing on my own thread, here about resilience and Heart Rate Variability.

 

I think the thing that sticks with me is - one of the reasons I accepted a diagnosis of bipolar was that I was so "sticky."  If I was asleep I didn't want to awaken.  If I was awake I didn't want to sleep.  If I was angry, I stayed angry, if I was anxious, I stayed anxious.  If I was depressed, it became a ruminating rut that was difficult to get out of.

 

So here's the key one:  if I was dry, I didn't want to get wet.  If I am dry I don't want to get wet.  For some reason, this does not apply to oceans, streams and waterfalls, where I will strip off my shoes and socks and run right in.  But a bath or shower?  Remove my clothes?  and get wet?  It's sticky!

Does this stickiness relate to your feeling of not wanting to do it?  Instead of pacing back and forth in anxiety, can you approach the problem with curiosity?  Is it really anxiety - or is it a physical response that you interpret as such?  Claire Weekes (as suggested by LexAnger) talks of anxiety as physical stuff that are the same as fear signals - so we get confused and think that the sweaty hands, firing nerves, increased heart rate, dry mouth, are a real feeling, instead of a simple physiological response to elements beyond our control.

 

Dr. Claire Weekes - Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

So - congratulations for facing it and getting clean.  The clean feeling is a good thing, if you can just get there!  And - I see that you are even getting clean before 8:00 am!  WOW!  You are ahead of me on that one!

 

I hope you see the sun today.



 

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Rosetta
8 hours ago, JanCarol said:

So here's the key one:  if I was dry, I didn't want to get wet.  If I am dry I don't want to get wet.  For some reason, this does not apply to oceans, streams and waterfalls, where I will strip off my shoes and socks and run right in.  But a bath or shower?  Remove my clothes?  and get wet?  It's sticky!

 

That's terribly interesting, JanCarol.  There is a "stickiness factor" to many of my thought processes.  

 

The aversion to getting wet started before I quit the SSRI.  It began and became worse over the 5 years on Zoloft.  I thought I was afraid to leave my baby outside of my arms reach.  Then, when that explanation no longer made any sense, I thought it was that I was too tired to comb and dry my hair, put on clothes, etc.  I was, in fact, too tired from the effort of washing my hair, but in truth, I was simply afraid to change anything for fear of "something" going wrong.  It became even worse after I quit Zoloft.  

 

I don't want to "have" to do anything; it's threatening to be asked to do anything -- even to be asked by myself.  I think it's related to the unpredictability of the onset or increase in WD symptoms.  I'm afraid of absolutely everything because I don't know what may cause me additional distress.  I feel pummeled by life.  Any sound, any sensation, any light turned on, any change in the status quo is potential danger.  It must be related to the glutamate being in action and the lack of gaba available to calm me down after an outside stimulus activates my feelings of internal restlessness.  At the same time I don't want to do anything, I'm lonely and bored, and I know I'm missing out on life.  I want to do things, but I'm afraid of the negative consequences.

 

Now that internal restlessness isn't a consistent problem, I'm still expecting and looking for my body's response to any change in my surroundings.  Am I scared? Am I sad? Am in danger?  Is the WD monster there somewhere just waiting to pounce?  I'm still quite fatigued, of course.  I have an aversion to starting anything, going anywhere, and doing anything.  I do these things anyway, when I can, and I have negative consequences less often than I used to.  Maybe, slowly, I'll learn to relax.

 

It's still a long way off.   I hope nothing happens to me before I get there.

 

 

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Rosetta

Journal:

The rest of Thursday (Day 21) was filled with a hormone headache that ramped up the muscle tension in my neck and  tiredness, but picked my daughter up from school.  I did not go to gymnastics.  Sleep that night was poor due to the headache and bruxism.  When I woke up in the night I didn't feel anxious or depressed.

 

Friday morning I had no cortisol awakening.  I was not too much better physically, but the emotional problems subsided quite a bit.  I spent the day in pain from my headache and dystonia, and I took ibuprophen.  I took my daughter to school and went out to breakfast.  Then, I had to decide whether and how to see friends who were in town from Minnesota.  We went to my MIL's where we saw our friends and we stayed the night.  I took another ibuprophen.  The pain subsided that evening, and I think it was because the hormones changed not because of the ibuprophen.  I slept all right except for discomfort from bruxism and tension in my neck.  When I woke up in the night I didn't feel anxious or depressed (that's two nights in a row.)

 

Today is Saturday, Day 23.  I had no cortisol awakening, and I slept in just a bit to 7:30 with my eye pillow.  My daughter had a sleep over with her grandmother.  That's the first time my daughter has not been in the same room with me for at least part of the night since she was 4.  It's probably the third time in her life.  I have not been anxious very much today.  I feel ok except for some situational anxiety/crying brought on by trying to do too much and finding things out of place at home (a box I had sorted out that was moved by my husband to a place where my daughter could find it and ruin my hard work.  She didn't.)

 

I'm not looking forward to the time change.  It's the last thing I need.  I would like to count the last 48 hours as a window due to the emotional issues being much better, but the pain in my head/eye was pretty intense until about 16 hours ago.  All in all I've weathered seeing friends and a night away from home quite well.  I could not have even considered being away from home 2-3 months ago.

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wantrelief
44 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

All in all I've weathered seeing friends and a night away from home quite well.  I could not have even considered being away from home 2-3 months ago.

This is such great news, Rosetta....more evidence of how you are healing - very happy for you!  

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Kristine

Ditto to what WR said :wub: such massive progress to both socialise and spend a night away from home. Kudos, my friend. Much Love. K xo

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brassmonkey

Are you using a mouth guard at night?  I used one for years and it really helped.

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Rosetta
12 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

Are you using a mouth guard at night?  I used one for years and it really helped.

 

No, but I should find mine.  The ping ponging is getting even more intense.  It scares me, and it worries my husband.  He says he sees the "SSRI personality" flare up (anger & frustration coupled with fear), and he really expected that to be gone by now.

 

This morning I woke up with no Bruxism -- the muscles were completely relaxed for the first time in 6-8 months.  This is encouraging, of course, but the previous 12 hour were very spooky.

 

Yesterday I had normal emotions all day, then anger at bedtime, then I awoke with abject fear in the dead of night.  It was as if I were having cortisol awakening in the dark.  I was so anxious I went to my husband for comfort.  Then, after I fell asleep next to him, I had the normal emotions (with a pounding heart) when my daughter's crying woke me up later.  I woke up in the morning feeling normal with no cortisol, no anxiety, no depression, and -- for the first time -- no bruxism nor dystonia.

 

I wish I could find a topic about this matter of emotions very rapidly changing over the course of less than a day.  I want to believe it means something good, but it feels quite scary.

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Downbutnotout
20 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

No, but I should find mine.  The ping ponging is getting even more intense.  It scares me, and it worries my husband.  He says he sees the "SSRI personality" flare up (anger & frustration coupled with fear), and he really expected that to be gone by now.

 

This morning I woke up with no Bruxism -- the muscles were completely relaxed for the first time in 6-8 months.  This is encouraging, of course, but the previous 12 hour were very spooky.

 

Yesterday I had normal emotions all day, then anger at bedtime, then I awoke with abject fear in the dead of night.  It was as if I were having cortisol awakening in the dark.  I was so anxious I went to my husband for comfort.  Then, after I fell asleep next to him, I had the normal emotions (with a pounding heart) when my daughter's crying woke me up later.  I woke up in the morning feeling normal with no cortisol, no anxiety, no depression, and -- for the first time -- no bruxism nor dystonia.

 

I wish I could find a topic about this matter of emotions very rapidly changing over the course of less than a day.  I want to believe it means something good, but it feels quite scary.

If I were you, I’d feel really encouraged. 

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Rosetta

Thanks @Gridley I couldn't remember that term.  I wonder how the random cortisol spikes interconnect if they do at all.  Maybe it's two separate phenomenon.  This is the second time this week I woke up with intense anxiety and/or cortisol.  I looked back and saw that it happened on Monday night, too.  Maybe cortisol has nothing to do with it, but it feels very similar to waking with cortisol.

 

I'm going to try to enjoy my day.  I hope you are well, Gridley.

 

 

 

  

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