RandyJames: need support

[RandyJames]

I took some time away from here as I am just bombarding with posts about symptoms.  I have been doing no better.  I am still on my 20mg dose of Lexapro.  Moving it back has unfortunately not helped.  I'm still very worried that the pills have ruined my CNS. 

[Frogie]

1 hour ago, RandyJames said:

I took some time away from here as I am just bombarding with posts about symptoms.  I have been doing no better.  I am still on my 20mg dose of Lexapro.  Moving it back has unfortunately not helped.  I'm still very worried that the pills have ruined my CNS. 

I’m sorry to hear you aren’t doing well. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[RandyJames]

@Frogie Hi Frogie.  I hope you're doing good.  Congratulations on hitting 0!  How is it working out? 

 

I'm still in the same boat.  My brain is just wrecked.  I feel so dizzy.  I guess dizzy isn't the best word.  It's hard to explain.  I don't feel like anything is spinning it's just sort of a really heady, discombobulated type of feeling.  To be honest it feels like I'm not getting enough blood to my brain.   I'm tired of being emotionally dead and brain dead.  I'd give up my limbs for my "me" back.  

 

 

 

[RandyJames]

I was planning on trying out CBD today to see if it helped with my anxiety or sleep but I just now read on the box that it has 30mgs of THC in addition to the 279mg CBD.  30mgs THC isn't a whole lot but with how I'm feeling now it could make my anxiety go through the roof.  I'll have to wait and find another product.  

 

We got the keys for our temporary apartment today and will be moving in next weekend.  It's so hard to juggle everything with my mind working like an empty gas tank.  

[Frogie]

22 hours ago, RandyJames said:

@Frogie Hi Frogie.  I hope you're doing good.  Congratulations on hitting 0!  How is it working out? 

 

I'm still in the same boat.  My brain is just wrecked.  I feel so dizzy.  I guess dizzy isn't the best word.  It's hard to explain.  I don't feel like anything is spinning it's just sort of a really heady, discombobulated type of feeling.  To be honest it feels like I'm not getting enough blood to my brain.   I'm tired of being emotionally dead and brain dead.  I'd give up my limbs for my "me" back.  

 

 

 

Thanks. It’s going ok. But have some symptoms. I feel like I’ve taken a bottle of pain pills and feel funky and numb. And I feel like a drunken  sailor. My legs are rubbery and feel like they can’t hold me up. But I’ll be ok. Just symptoms that will go away. Sorry you are feeling so rough. Just hang in there. It will get better,  but I know what you mean, you want the “me” back. 

[Frogie]

Hi:

 

Just stopping by to see how you’re doing?

 

I hope better.

 

I’m having a really good day. I just hope it lasts.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[RandyJames]

My brain fog has been so bad I actually went to the ER last night.  I have been afraid I may have vascular dementia.  They did two ct scans of my neck and head, one with and one without contrast and everything was perfect. My lab results were perfect as well.  I know it's sounds weird but I am really disappointed that they were alright.  I would just rather have a concrete and visible problem than have this all be from medications.  I was hoping they would find a blockage and be able to at least try and surgically fix it or give me some blood thinners or something.  It would be wonderful to have an actual diagnosis so those around me would at least have confirmation as to what the issue was.  

 

I have started taking my Lexapro before bed again.  I had moved it back hour by hour to noon but I was having a hard time remembering to take it and I unfortunately didn't notice any difference taking it earlier.  On several occasions I forgot it for an hour or two so I figured it was just safer to take it at bedtime as I have been used to so I don't forget a dose entirely.  I've began taking 5mgs of melatonin for sleep and it has helped on some nights and not others.  A couple of nights I had pretty much 8 hours sleep but felt no clearer in my thinking the next day.  I can not stand feeling like a stranger in my own body and to everything and everyone around me.  

 

We are moving in to the apartment this Monday.  We already have the keys but escrow closes on the 16th so we are staying in our house as long as possible.  Most everything we own is in a storage pod so we aren't taking much with us as the apartment is temporary.  At least the move wont be very hard.  

 

I tried out CBD oil for a few  days and I found it may have made things worse if anything.  I may try it again for longer if I'm desperate but my impression was that it isn't for me.  

 

 

 

 

 

[RandyJames]

@Frogie I'm glad to hear you were having a great day yesterday.  I really hope today is just as good for you.  Are you still planning to taper the Xanax in June?  

 

I'm still doing the same but my thinking is getting worse.  I'm just so afraid of how bad things will get when I start to taper the Lexapro.  I sound like a broken record but it's just really scary feeling this way already before I've even decreased the dose.  

 

I hope you continue to feel great.  I'm sure you have this beat.  

[wantrelief]

1 hour ago, RandyJames said:

I'm still doing the same but my thinking is getting worse.  I'm just so afraid of how bad things will get when I start to taper the Lexapro.  I sound like a broken record but it's just really scary feeling this way already before I've even decreased the dose.  

I am really sorry your thinking is getting worse, RJ.  I very much relate to your feeling scared feeling this way before starting a taper. I was too and continue to feel  really scared every time I drop. I also feel like a broken record as I pretty much talk about my fear every time I document my tapers on here.  But as I've mentioned to you before, so far I haven't noticed anything worsening from when I started so I hope that brings you some comfort.  I have had some bumps in the road but I think it is more related to hormonal shifts than the taper itself so at least you won't have to worry about that every month.   Nothing has improved but at least it hasn't worsened.  You should be so proud of all you have done to get your house sold and move into an apartment despite everything you are going through - that is quite an accomplishment!

[Dejavu]

@RandyJames, I'm right there with you. I'm afraid I will never stabilize. I try so hard to stay out of Negative Town but its difficult.

 

We have to remember that these thoughts occur because our alerting systems are so out of whack right now. Healing happens. It will for you and me both. Hang in there. You've been through a lot lately.

[RandyJames]

17 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I am really sorry your thinking is getting worse, RJ.  I very much relate to your feeling scared feeling this way before starting a taper. I was too and continue to feel  really scared every time I drop. I also feel like a broken record as I pretty much talk about my fear every time I document my tapers on here.  But as I've mentioned to you before, so far I haven't noticed anything worsening from when I started so I hope that brings you some comfort.  I have had some bumps in the road but I think it is more related to hormonal shifts than the taper itself so at least you won't have to worry about that every month.   Nothing has improved but at least it hasn't worsened.  You should be so proud of all you have done to get your house sold and move into an apartment despite everything you are going through - that is quite an accomplishment!

Hi wantrelief.  Thanks for checking in and the kind words.  I hope you're having a not too hard day.  The brain fog is just really the worst.  I have no sense of time or present.  Everything is just a dull smear coupled with anxiety and lightheadedness.  I wish I could feel happy with the move but I just can't feel anything positive.   The only emotion I can feel is frustration.  I can't even feel angry at things.  I can recognize them as things to get angry about but the feeling of anger isn't there.  Same for good things.  I hate it.  It could be why I have no sense of time as it's just one steady washed out state spanning months now.  Oddly when I am dreaming at night I think I feel emotions a little more.  It's weird.

 

I sure hope you start to feel better.  Are you going to be dropping down another 2.5% soon?  Do you never feel any different at all when you drop in dose?  

 

 

 

[wantrelief]

Hi RJ:  I am really sorry you are struggling with brain fog and other symptoms. 

 

22 minutes ago, RandyJames said:

I sure hope you start to feel better.  Are you going to be dropping down another 2.5% soon?  Do you never feel any different at all when you drop in dose?  

I really appreciate your kind thoughts.  I hope I start to feel better too but I realize I have a long road ahead of me (I am also on a large dose of Klonopin so that may be impacting me too).  I am planning to cut another 2.5% on Saturday if all goes as planned.  I don't think I've noticed any significant change with the drops, maybe a little bit but not anything major (knock on wood this continues).  I definitely notice a worsening with hormones and that has been difficult but at least I know it will pass as hormonal cycles do.

 

You are not alone, RJ.   

[RandyJames]

17 hours ago, Dejavu said:

@RandyJames, I'm right there with you. I'm afraid I will never stabilize. I try so hard to stay out of Negative Town but its difficult.

 

We have to remember that these thoughts occur because our alerting systems are so out of whack right now. Healing happens. It will for you and me both. Hang in there. You've been through a lot lately.

Thanks for the encouragement.  We all can use it.  

 

How are you feeling?  Are you out of your wave yet?  

[BfromNJ]

20 hours ago, RandyJames said:

My brain fog has been so bad I actually went to the ER last night.  I have been afraid I may have vascular dementia.  They did two ct scans of my neck and head, one with and one without contrast and everything was perfect. My lab results were perfect as well.  I know it's sounds weird but I am really disappointed that they were alright.  I would just rather have a concrete and visible problem than have this all be from medications.  I was hoping they would find a blockage and be able to at least try and surgically fix it or give me some blood thinners or something.  It would be wonderful to have an actual diagnosis so those around me would at least have confirmation as to what the issue was.  

 

I have started taking my Lexapro before bed again.  I had moved it back hour by hour to noon but I was having a hard time remembering to take it and I unfortunately didn't notice any difference taking it earlier.  On several occasions I forgot it for an hour or two so I figured it was just safer to take it at bedtime as I have been used to so I don't forget a dose entirely.  I've began taking 5mgs of melatonin for sleep and it has helped on some nights and not others.  A couple of nights I had pretty much 8 hours sleep but felt no clearer in my thinking the next day.  I can not stand feeling like a stranger in my own body and to everything and everyone around me.  

 

We are moving in to the apartment this Monday.  We already have the keys but escrow closes on the 16th so we are staying in our house as long as possible.  Most everything we own is in a storage pod so we aren't taking much with us as the apartment is temporary.  At least the move wont be very hard.  

 

I tried out CBD oil for a few  days and I found it may have made things worse if anything.  I may try it again for longer if I'm desperate but my impression was that it isn't for me.  

 

 

 

 

 

I hear you on this.  I am the same way.   I feel sometimes as though if they found something they could remove or fix, it would be better than "everything looks good", when in fact it feels far from good and is not a relief to hear. 

[Frogie]

21 hours ago, RandyJames said:

@Frogie I'm glad to hear you were having a great day yesterday.  I really hope today is just as good for you.  Are you still planning to taper the Xanax in June?  

 

I'm still doing the same but my thinking is getting worse.  I'm just so afraid of how bad things will get when I start to taper the Lexapro.  I sound like a broken record but it's just really scary feeling this way already before I've even decreased the dose.  

 

I hope you continue to feel great.  I'm sure you have this beat.  

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the same, but you have come to the right place. I was a real mess when I found this site. And after a loooong slooow taper and lots of ups and downs, I did make it off of Lexapro. Just listen to the mods, they have tons of experience and know what they are doing. They will get you back up to par. It make take a while, so be patient. That was my problem. And I suffered for it. Once I started to listen to them, things went smoother. I had lots of bumps, but it was better.

 

I hope your move goes well. Think of it as an adventure and a new experience, which it is. Everything will be ok.

 

Thanks for encouraging words. They mean a lot. I need all the encouragement I can get that this will go smooth.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[RandyJames]

@Altostrata@ChessieCat

 

Our plans have changed.  My wife and I have decided that we are going to switch our three month lease to a one year lease so we will not be moving in July anymore.  We need time to figure out what's best for the kids as far as where we are moving to.  The kids like the apartment so we figure we can take some time to think. 

 

I am not going to wait for another year, or more if we decide to keep renting,  to begin getting off of the Lexapro.  I really feel it is destroying my mind and health while I remain on it.  My heart skips beats a lot and I am starting to think it's from the pills.  It has done this for several years now but I never attributed it to the medication.  Lately it's been worse, though it could be from the anxiety. Also when I stand up I feel the blood leaving my head and I feel faint and my heart just slams in my chest. At the ER last week they did an EKG  and lab work as well as two CT scans of my neck and head and everything was fine.  My guess is it's probably from the meds.  My brain fog, anxiety and depression I am sure are from the meds.  I've had terrible experiences with going cold turkey off of ssris, but I've never tapered them before so the prospect of possibly feeling some sort of improvement from anything that is coming from side effects of the medication while lessening the withdrawals by going slowly gives me some hope.  I have been thinking about suicide constantly for weeks.  I know there are many others here who are suffering with the same feelings and I'm not looking for sympathy.  I'm just saying I need to try and do something because I can simply not remain like this.  

 

I am thinking of starting to switch over to the liquid tomorrow which is our first night in the apartment.  If the switch goes off without any trouble I am going to begin tapering using the 10% method.  If I have troubles I will go slower or up dose.  I really need to try and do this.  I need to proactively try and help this situation as I am really spiraling into a bad place.  Everyday that I continue to take the pill, feel like hell and do nothing to try and correct the situation I feel more lost.  

 

 

[RandyJames]

This is really the least of my problems but it's a perfect example of the little things that are ruined by all of this.  My wife and I have watched every season of Game of Thrones and we have loved it so much.  Tonight is the first episode of the last season and I will not be able to take in any of it.  Watching tv has been a nightmare since this started.  I can't follow what's happening and I have terrible anxiety from it and no emotional connection to anything.  I did a google search a while back about not being able to follow tv and one of the results brought up vascular dementia as that is a classic symptom.  I brought this up at the ER the other night and that's why they did the CT scans which showed my brain and arteries are ok. 

 

I'm going to sit with her tonight and "watch" it but it will be hell.  She's been watching old episodes catching up on things and I've tried watching with her and I can't even remember what's going on. I can remember what I'm watching as it's happening but all of the back story and details are gone.  The action makes me sick with anxiety.  To be able to watch tv with your wife is such a simple thing and even this is ruined by the meds.  

[RandyJames]

We finished moving in yesterday.  Very sad to say goodbye to the home my parents bought 42 years ago.  So many memories.

 

I haven't began switching to liquid yet and I'm thinking of getting a micro scale instead of switching to liquid to keep things simple.  I really don't want to find out that the liquid is absorbed differently by me or has an otherwise adverse effect.  Crushing and weighing the tablets sounds safer to me and I wouldn't have to go through the process of slowly introducing liquid.  

 

My sleep has been horrible.  The melatonin doesn't seem to be working at all now.  My brain fog is ridiculous.  Mistake after mistake and forgetting everything.  

 

 

[BfromNJ]

11 hours ago, RandyJames said:

We finished moving in yesterday.  Very sad to say goodbye to the home my parents bought 42 years ago.  So many memories.

 

I haven't began switching to liquid yet and I'm thinking of getting a micro scale instead of switching to liquid to keep things simple.  I really don't want to find out that the liquid is absorbed differently by me or has an otherwise adverse effect.  Crushing and weighing the tablets sounds safer to me and I wouldn't have to go through the process of slowly introducing liquid.  

 

My sleep has been horrible.  The melatonin doesn't seem to be working at all now.  My brain fog is ridiculous.  Mistake after mistake and forgetting everything.  

 

 

I opted for crushing and weighing myself. Wasn't comfortable with the liquid and couldn't get it anyway.     I found @Frogieexplanation on how to do this the easiest to follow .   Was a tremendous help to me.  You can find it in the post Using a digital scale.  I also bought the scale that was recommended .  very easy process. 

[RandyJames]

3 hours ago, BfromNJ said:

I opted for crushing and weighing myself. Wasn't comfortable with the liquid and couldn't get it anyway.     I found @Frogieexplanation on how to do this the easiest to follow .   Was a tremendous help to me.  You can find it in the post Using a digital scale.  I also bought the scale that was recommended .  very easy process. 

Thanks for the advice.  The crushing sure seems easier and more precise as well.  What type of scale did you buy?

[BfromNJ]

4 minutes ago, RandyJames said:

Thanks for the advice.  The crushing sure seems easier and more precise as well.  What type of scale did you buy?

this one was recommended by this site. its what I bought.  I really like it. 

 

 https://www.amazon.com/American-Weigh-GEMINI-20-Portable-MilliGram/dp/B0012TDNAM/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=american+weigh+scale&qid=1555518767&s=gateway&sr=8-3

[RandyJames]

5 hours ago, BfromNJ said:

this one was recommended by this site. its what I bought.  I really like it. 

 

 https://www.amazon.com/American-Weigh-GEMINI-20-Portable-MilliGram/dp/B0012TDNAM/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=american+weigh+scale&qid=1555518767&s=gateway&sr=8-3

Thanks so much.  I ordered it.  looks like it will be Friday that I begin to taper. 

 

Thanks again for your help! 

[Gridley]

16 minutes ago, RandyJames said:

I ordered it.

 

RandyJames, I've had good results with this scale on my Lexapro taper.  Best wishes on your taper.

 

Gridley

[RandyJames]

8 minutes ago, Gridley said:

 

RandyJames, I've had good results with this scale on my Lexapro taper.  Best wishes on your taper.

 

Gridley

Thanks so much Gridley.  This is the first time I have actually tapered SSRI's before.  Before this I have only ever quit cold turkey with disastrous results.  I am so afraid to do this but these pills are making me ill and need to go.  I'm trying to be hopeful that with a nice slow taper things will slowly improve this time rather than crash and burn.  

 

 

[Gridley]

12 hours ago, RandyJames said:

a nice slow taper things will slowly improve this time rather than crash and burn.  

 

 

I think things will go fine for you.  Just take it slow and easy.

[composter]

Rooting for you as you plan to taper! Would be a good idea to keep a log of how you feel as you make your cuts so you can see if there has been improvement.

 

I totally get what you mean about not being able to tolerate TV. During my waves I've felt completely terrified of hearing any news, watching TV, or even checking email. Anything to do with screens and bad news felt completely overwhelming. You are not alone in that.

 

But this is not forever. Healing is not a linear process but the brain has tremendous ability to repair itself. You will see the day when the suicidal thoughts are behind you and you can enjoy the simple things. Healing is on the horizon.

[jonnypeters1234567]

Don't ct even if you feel really bad. The ct will just make your worse than you are.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Randy--  You've mentioned on several other threads that you are going to be starting a 10% tomorrow.  If this is so, might I suggest that you start a Brassmonkey Slide instead.  If yo taper by 2.5% a week for four weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks you will be reducing by 10% every 6 weeks, but will have the added benefit of the symptoms being spread out and not hitting all at once.  Many of our members are having great success with this method. If you need help with the math just ask.

[Gridley]

20 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

Brassmonkey Slide instead.

 

Randy,

 

I've used the Brassmonkey slide on my taper of Lexapro from (like you) 20mg down down now to 3mg (see my signature).  I has worked well for me.  There will always be some symptoms with a taper, but to me this taper is gentler than the straight 10%/4 weeks taper.  I would recommend that you consider it, especially since you've had some cold turkey bad experiences in the past.

[Dejavu]

26 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

If this is so, might I suggest that you start a Brassmonkey Slide instead. 

@RandyJames, this is a great idea!! You need to be as easy on your CNS as possible in your present situation. Just my two cents.

[BfromNJ]

28 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

Hi Randy--  You've mentioned on several other threads that you are going to be starting a 10% tomorrow.  If this is so, might I suggest that you start a Brassmonkey Slide instead.  If yo taper by 2.5% a week for four weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks you will be reducing by 10% every 6 weeks, but will have the added benefit of the symptoms being spread out and not hitting all at once.  Many of our members are having great success with this method. If you need help with the math just ask.

Sounds good for you Randyjames.  I might consider myself.  👍

[RandyJames]

17 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

Hi Randy--  You've mentioned on several other threads that you are going to be starting a 10% tomorrow.  If this is so, might I suggest that you start a Brassmonkey Slide instead.  If yo taper by 2.5% a week for four weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks you will be reducing by 10% every 6 weeks, but will have the added benefit of the symptoms being spread out and not hitting all at once.  Many of our members are having great success with this method. If you need help with the math just ask.

Thanks so much for taking the time to help out.  I'll definitely consider this.  My only concern is that it will take longer and I want to be off the meds as fast as safely possible.  That being said I also don't want to find out that 10% cuts every month turn out to wreck me.  I'll really have to think it over.  It sure sounds more gentle your way.  

 

Here's a thought.  Since from what I've read it sounds like the lower the doses get the more exaggerated the negative reactions are, would it be reasonable to start with a few 10% cuts a month and then shift into 2.5% cuts as you described?  One of the things I have been thinking is that I may not be in tolerance WD but that the Lexapro is actually causing side effects from having been on it for so long and I just want as much out of my system as I can without also sparking up WD symptoms.  All of this is theory as there is sadly no way of knowing what's going on.  Please let me know what you think of this idea.

 

Thanks so much.

 

 

[RandyJames]

17 hours ago, Dejavu said:

@RandyJames, this is a great idea!! You need to be as easy on your CNS as possible in your present situation. Just my two cents.

I'm thinking this one over.  It sounds like a good way to go but it's also a bit slower.  I'm anxious to get off the pills but I also don't want to cause any unneeded symptoms by rushing.  

 

Thanks for weighing in Dejavu.  How are you faring today?  

[RandyJames]

17 hours ago, BfromNJ said:

Sounds good for you Randyjames.  I might consider myself.  👍

It sure is a good plan.  I'm thinking it over.  I'm anxious to get of the meds as fast as possible but don't want to make myself sick by going to fast.  I'm going to think hard on this one.

 

I hope you're having a good day!

[Dejavu]

Meh...not a great day for me so far. I know I made a lot of changes but I've had so little stabilization and so few windows. Its been almost 5 weeks that I've been sitting still, and I can't seem to get many breaks from the dizziness and strange vision issues. It causes me anxiety and keeps me from being able to function. Although intellectually I know better, I fear that it's now a permanent state for me. Im nowhere near ready to taper and I see people who reinstated about the same time I did who are already tapering. Of course, they didn't chop and change for 4 months but it still makes me feel like I will never stabilize or be okay again. 

 

About your taper, though: maybe start with the BM Slide, and after a couple of cuts, if it goes okay, then see if you can speed up to 10%.

[brassmonkey]

The decision is up to you about how fast you want to go.  We only make recommendations on what we have seen in the past.  In my experience almost everyone who has tried to speed things up ends up taking longer because they have sever symptoms and  have to wait for them to settle before continuing to taper.  Most people are in a big hurry to "get the drugs out of their system", but it is a matter of undoing the physical changes the drugs have made to their bodies not detoxing.  If healing those changes is rushed the body loses control and there is a crash. Those crashes can take months to stabilize.  In the end the fastest way is to take the slow route.