jozeff: trying to come off of citalopram - a little help would be great

[jozeff]

Hi,

Thanks for stopping by!

 

I had a very good week. I started saffron again and that made me feel great. Today however I had an awful day. Dread, no energy, sad, depressed and derealization. Just horrible.

Anlot of upper shoulder tension that drives me nuts.  My neck muscles are always tight and sensitive and that has a very negative impact on my well being.

 

I had high hopes for the saffron but today was a let down.

 

 

Cheers

Jozeff

[bunchesofoats]

Hey jozeff, how are you doing?

[jozeff]

Hi thanks for stopping by!

 

I've been having a rough couple of weeks to be honest.

 

I have been doing a 1.25% per week taper for the last 8 weeks. I used to do a bit of a jumpy taper but decided to stick to this method. After 6 weeks I started to feel very inconvenient going from anger to severe depression and crying spells, fighting with my wife who is completely soaked up by our 10 month old boy. She's fed up with my symptoms and it is quite obvious that it's not her priority at the moment how I'm feeling. We don't communicate that well and we end up in an argument pretty fast.

 

She definitely does the best she can to be a great mother and wife to us. It's just that these symptoms change a lot and make me utterly desperate.

 

I've been having strong suicidal thoughts lately. The fact that my sleep is awful 5out of 7 days make me unstable and emotional.

 

The days at work are ok but my says off are awful. Just don't Know what to do. I'm very agitated by my family members and don't seem to find peace in relaxing things.

 

I've been abstinent for nearly 6 years but the sedation of alcohol is getting more and more appealing to me. Bad thing.

 

Most of the days I feel completely fine in the evening. Around noon and early afternoon are horrendous.

 

I feel tired, hopeless and emotional many days in a row. I'm trying to give up caffeine because i take too much of it.

 

It feels like Im very agitated or stimulated by something and I don't know what it is. I'm searching like crazy for a solution....

 

I find it just unbelievable that such a slow taper (which I'm doing) may be causing these major problems.....

 

Do you think this is the case or are there other things going on here.....

 

 

 

Cheers

Jozeff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Leo1983]

I drink caffeine in the mornings and it sends me daft. 

 

Racing around needing to keep busy. I drank last nite and this morning my rage is crazy. 

 

Its a very long lasting strange condition for sure. 

 

Im almost 21 months CT and i actually cant get over i still feel like this 

[India]

@jozeffHello Jozeff, Wanted to check in and offer encouragement .

i did an 8% drop over 2 months and went into another layer of Dante’s inferno. I think with destabilising and tolerance , the system is so sensitive. Now i’m holding at 4.88mg. I’m in bed a lot. I wish i

was one of those lucky members that still had cognitive function - then I could at least use this time to read and do a remote course. Far too ill for that.

You are doing a great job managing work, parenthood and through withdrawal. 

I like Rhiannon’s concept.

 

Have you heard of the Wim Hof method? 

I also found this book- “I quit Sugar” by Sarah Wilson and changed my diet. 

Just in case it helps.

 

i can’t write much more but sending my support.

[jozeff]

Thanks guys!

Really appreciate it.

 

Yeah wim hof  is also from the Netherlands, just like me ..

 

I try to take a cold shower every morning or afternoon and I feel very alive after that. No anxiety what so ever but very emotional and wanting to cry after cold shower. Very strange ....cns overstimulated I guess.

 

Hot showers make me feel less depressed but give me anxiety and a racing heart.

 

In the morning I feel relatively ok but my racing thoughts make me feel very uneasy.

 

I have terrible mood swings and end up in a fight with my wife before I know it. She's a tough one and it may take until next morning before things settle down a bit.

If I talk about my emotional rollercoasters she gets very upset. First very sad and crying and then the anger builds up. If I say one more thing that discomforts her it's all war. She then often threatens to leave me and the only reason she doesn't act on it is the disastrous effect on our sons.

 

She's a great fun woman and it hurts me that I'm such a pain in the ass. I can't make her truly happy because of my never ending depression. It hurts like hell to have to live like this.

 

Some days I just want to end my life just to give us peace. This afternoon I had very powerful suicidal thoughts and  was playing with the idea of driving myself to death tomorrow. This evening I took a Valium and I am 100% calm right now. I cannot believe I felt this bad just a couple of hours ago.

 

Suicidal ideation is a no go area to discuss here. She gets mad immediately and tells me to do it right away to make the world a better place.

If only I could share the darkest thoughts with the love of my life ....that would give me hope and understanding but all I get is massive struggle.

 

 

Well time for my bed and try to fall asleep next to my furious wife...,

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

[nick1990]

You might want to stop tapering for now Jozeff. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you have been pushing your taper the entire time. Look, it's up to you what you decide to do - but in my non-expert opinion, I see these symptoms as a result of your too fast taper (2018-2019) and not allowing your nervous system time to stabilise and pushing on with your taper regardless. You may think you're going at a snails pace, but really, you could go A LOT slower.

You may want to learn to slow things down. Pushing through and complaining of WD symptoms is doing no good to you, your family or this community forum. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is seen here - time and again, where individuals think they can muster the courage to just push through and end up with a whole host of issues. This tapering can be done right, you may experience WD symptoms off and on, throughout a taper - but if you listen to your body, they shouldn't interfere with your day to day life too much. 

[jozeff]

Ok thanks a lot!

 

Means a lot to me that you replie nick.

 

Well I've been holding my taper for two weeks now and plane to hold for a while. Truth is I never felt stable on citalopram except for the first 6 months or so. Since I crashed in June 2018 I have been feeling awful. I've tapered since April 2019 from 18 mg citalopram to 11.6 mg right now(March 2020).

 

I've been tapering very carefully and it sucks that I'm still feeling this unstable. Wanting to cry but cannot because of my meds.

 

I live my wife and kids so much and want to give them anything...if only I felt a bit more joy and peace.

 

I think I'll try to stabilize now for a couple of weeks and see how that goes.

 

It's just unbelievable that 1.25% per week at this dose is too fast. I mean, at this pace it would take me 6 years already to go to zero!! That is inhumane....

 

 

Well thanks for stopping by. I hope my wonderful wife wi not turn her back on me....

 

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

 

 

[bunchesofoats]

Hey @jozeff, I think even though your taper seems unbelievably slow it is in fact causing symptoms. I say this because I have the same unbelievable experience. I have slowed down tremendously. I'm averaging 4.17%/month, but here's a list of my actual dosage changes:

 

2019-04-17, 18.4mg, 4 weeks, 8.0% drop

2019-05-15, 17.0mg, 4 weeks, 7.6% drop

2019-06-12, 15.5mg, 4 weeks, 8.8% drop

2019-07-10, 14.0mg, 4.4 wks, 9.7% drop

2019-08-10, 12.6mg, 11.3 wks, 10.0% drop

2019-10-28, 12.5mg, 5.1 wks, 0.8% drop

2019-12-03, 11.6mg, 11.4 wks, 7.2% drop

2020-02-21, 11.0mg, current, 5.2% drop

 

I still experienced symptoms from my most recent 5.2% drop, despite it being so small and having held at the previous dose for nearly 3 months. However, I do stabilize between my drops! And my symptoms this time (and last time in December) didn't wipe me out. It's incredibly frustrating, shocking, angering, to realize that this is how I'm affected by this medication, and that there was no mention of this being a possibility from anyone, despite having educated myself (or at least tried to) before embarking on this SSRI experience!! My immediate family and friends that know about my experience feel the same and question why can't I just decompress at a spa for two weeks like one might do to rid themselves of opioids.

 

By my calculations, I've still got another 5 years ahead of me. I'm hoping that if I can stabilize my life more I'll find I can drop faster at some point, but I have no idea if that'll be the case. The way my boyfriend has put it to me is that I don't have to put my life on hold for the taper (so long as the symptoms don't overwhelm me). So you might as well take all the time that you need to give your nervous system the chance to even out. It may also give you some hope if you give yourself the chance to experience some relief of symptoms now and then (which may take months of stabilizing at one dose as it did for me).

 

I recommend continuing to stay away from alcohol. Your hard work abstaining for the past 6 years is not for naught! I've noticed a significant interaction with alcohol since I've been on citalopram, and although my doctor has insisted a glass of wine here and there isn't troublesome, I beg to differ. The most I've had in years is a sip for taste and only when I'm more stable. It's just not worth the trouble.

 

My recommendations are to hold your dosage and find ways to soothe your nervous system. Remember to take everything one step at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. You can do this.

 

Hugs,

bunchesofoats

[India]

@jozeff it is very hard not to be able to express your emotional truth . I have it with my father— his reaction to fear is anger. So if I talk about my brain injury it causes an anger reaction. 

Its good we can come to the board and express our truth 

I cant write more right now due to feeling so ill but you are doing so well. 

Women often want men to be strong ones. To the point of superhumaness. They are feminist when it suits them.

Its something I recognise in my own self and past. Expecting men to be superhuman!

 

dont be hard on yourself . You are very brave and strong. 

[India]

On 3/8/2020 at 9:12 PM, jozeff said:

Thanks guys!

Really appreciate it.

 

Yeah wim hof  is also from the Netherlands, just like me ..

 

I try to take a cold shower every morning or afternoon and I feel very alive after that. No anxiety what so ever but very emotional and wanting to cry after cold shower. Very strange ....cns overstimulated I guess.

 

Hot showers make me feel less depressed but give me anxiety and a racing heart.

 

In the morning I feel relatively ok but my racing thoughts make me feel very uneasy.

 

I have terrible mood swings and end up in a fight with my wife before I know it. She's a tough one and it may take until next morning before things settle down a bit.

If I talk about my emotional rollercoasters she gets very upset. First very sad and crying and then the anger builds up. If I say one more thing that discomforts her it's all war. She then often threatens to leave me and the only reason she doesn't act on it is the disastrous effect on our sons.

 

She's a great fun woman and it hurts me that I'm such a pain in the ass. I can't make her truly happy because of my never ending depression. It hurts like hell to have to live like this.

 

Some days I just want to end my life just to give us peace. This afternoon I had very powerful suicidal thoughts and  was playing with the idea of driving myself to death tomorrow. This evening I took a Valium and I am 100% calm right now. I cannot believe I felt this bad just a couple of hours ago.

 

Suicidal ideation is a no go area to discuss here. She gets mad immediately and tells me to do it right away to make the world a better place.

If only I could share the darkest thoughts with the love of my life ....that would give me hope and understanding but all I get is massive struggle.

 

 

Well time for my bed and try to fall asleep next to my furious wife...,

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

It sounds like your wife struggles with the shadow side of life. Look up Jung on shadow self.

 

and yes, Dutch like you. Bessel Van Der Kolk also Dutch!

[jozeff]

On 3/10/2020 at 3:49 AM, India said:

 

 

 

Wow bunches and India!

 

 

Thanks so much for these incredible words!

 

 

Means a lot to me.

 

I must say that since 3 days I've felt quite some relief in symptoms. Don't know how long it will last but I've not tapered in 20 days or so instead of 1.25% per week I held for 3 weeks now.... probably this keeps my nerves healthier...

 

Let's see how it goes.

 

I wish you all the best in your healing and thanks again!!!!

 

 

Busy at work now so not much time to write....

[jozeff]

 

Hi fellow sufferers,

 

For those of you who are worried and anxious about the current corona situation... See video for some encouragement and relativistic words.

 

I'm quite nervous myself about all these circumstances. Not about getting the virus but more about the impact on society, economy etc..

 

https://youtu.be/DFqPpsmH6rU

 

Hope it helps a bit

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

[bunchesofoats]

Thanks for the video. I agree that the impact on society due to peoples' reactions is far more troublesome to me than the virus itself.

 

Like he says in the video, it always comes back to diet, exercise, and sleep. Routines. Self-care. I don't know about others but it's so easy for me to forget these skills especially when I get stressed no matter how many years I've spent learning new ways of doing things.

 

Making sure I stick to whatever routines I can in these times when everything else is shaken up has been particularly helpful.

[jozeff]

Hi guys,

 

How are you all doing?

 

I've been following this guy for a few years.

 

He quit antidepressants cold turkey......

 

He is a very intelligent guy so I was interested in his story.

 

I do not recommend anyone, including myself, to cold turkey. I really hope it will work out for him.  I want to hear from him in a couple of months. Hope he doesn't get protracted wd!

 

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

Hey Jozeff, I also follow Scott on youtube. I was quite shocked by this video, in fact. I REALLY wish he had tapered. Years back, I jumped off Citalopram at 5mg (ouch, doc's recommendation) and I also felt euphoria at times after this huge jump....I now know that wasn't actually a good thing. A year later, I was back on the ads, although that was also caused by recreational drug use.

I really like his Youtube channel and sincerely hope this goes okay for him....would be awful if he had to turn it into a 'coping with protracted WD' channel.....

[jozeff]

Yes, Lets hope he will be just fine.

He talks about his diet and other good habits and he hopes this will contribute to his recovery.

 

What botherse me a bit is that he has some wd symptoms but that is over now and he's feeling great. I've just read too many stories about people having a honeymoon feeling after CT and regret it big time a few months later.

 

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

 

 

[Leo1983]

Thats what happened to me. 

 

10 weeks after CT.....    Boooooom!

 

22 month later!

[bunchesofoats]

I've never watched his videos before. I have gotten a bump of feeling better right after every dosage drop (usually ~3 days), and I've read from people who CTd that they had months of feeling much better until the negative symptoms hit them. So, only time will tell. I can understand his confidence in his lifestyle (clean eating, exercise, meditation, etc), but I've been brought to my knees every time I thought I was doing things well enough to not be affected. Maybe I'm not doing things well enough, maybe I'm too sensitive, or maybe it will hit him at some point, too.

[bunchesofoats]

On 5/21/2018 at 12:06 PM, brassmonkey said:

However, there frequently is a placebo effect period just after a dose change event during which the body either doesn’t notice the change or will feel better because of it.  This placebo effect period doesn’t last long with the symptoms manifesting themselves several days after the change.  Many people report their symptoms ramping up between two and five days after the change, but it’s not uncommon for it to take several weeks for them to appear.

 

This time lag is referred to as a “honeymoon period”.  As mentioned for a dose change event it can last a couple of days to several weeks.  In the case of a Cold Turkey or Fast Taper it can last distractingly long.  Frequently in the range of three to four months and sometimes up to a year or more.  After which there is a dramatic crash of destabilization. 

 

I think this could be happening to Scott.

[jozeff]

We will see, I hope the best for him because he's a great guy!

 

I advised him to check this website so who knows.....

 

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

[India]

I know at least 3 people who came off after 10 years, 2 years (cycled through 4 antidepressants), and 2 years:

All absolutely fine and functioning with no WD effects. 

Here I am almost 2 years later severely protracted.

[India]

How are you? @jozeff 

[jozeff]

Hi India!

 

Thanks for asking.

 

To be honest I'm having a bit of a rough time lately.

 

I'd been on 11.68 mg citalopram since 25th February 2020. I started tapering again on 6th of May and lowered by 3% to 11.33 mg.

 

The last couple of days I have been feeling really low but not the entire day. Morning is ok-ish but I feel neck pain creeping up around 10 in the morning. Around noon I'm pretty ok but after lunch at around 1:30 I feel really low and depressed. I eat healthy lunch with low carbs.

 

My mood starts to lift at around 3:30 in the afternoon and drops when Im driving home in my car at around 5 in the afternoon.

 

After dinner I feel tired and low and desperate but at around 8 in the evening my mood starts to lift significantly and stays ok until I go to bed.

 

This is a recurring pattern most days.

 

 

 

So it looks like this on working days:

 

630 am : get up and eat 2 sandwiches with peanut butter. Take 5.75 mg citalopram.

 

730 am: arrive at work and drink about 250 ml not strong coffee.

 

Start having neck/back pain and fatigue.

 

10 am : eat part of my 600 Kcal shake containing kale, oat meal, cottage cheese, blueberry, olive oil, nutritional yeast and some spices.

Drink a small cup of coffee.

 

Drink another cup of coffee.

 

1 pm: eat 2 apples and 2 eggs and a  very small cup of hot chocolate.

 

3pm : eat part of my 600 Kcal shake

 

430 pm: eat last part of my 600 Kcal shake.

 

5 pm: drive home

 

530 pm: eat dinner immediately when arriving home. Never eat dessert.

 

630pm lay down on my couch with the kids.

 

730pm take my boys to bed

 

8 pm until 10 pm wtch tv and talk with my wife and feel relaxed.

 

10 pm Before bedtime I take another 5.75 mg citalopram

 

Read a bit in bed an try to sleep around 1030.

 

Sleep is pretty ok ( at least when my 1 year old boy is not crying or singing )

 

 

 

 

 

Mood:

 

630pm ok

10 pm starting to lower mood, neck/back pain

1130 pm: starting to lift my mood

130 pm: tired, low mood desperate

330 pm mood gets better

6 pm mood lower, tired and no energy

8pm mood starts to lift

10 pm : feel calm and energetic. No problems.

 

I do not always take my citalopram at the we Time every day exactly. But sometimes 1 or 2 hours later or earlier.

 

Any suggestions would be great!!

 

 

Happy healing

 

Jozeff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

24 minutes ago, jozeff said:

Morning is ok-ish but I feel neck pain creeping up around 10 in the morning.

 

Do you spend a lot of time at the computer? Are you doing daily neck and shoulder stretches? You might see a chiropractor or physical therapist for this pain.

 

Are your mood issues your underlying emotional configuration? Is your work stressful? You may want to learn stress management techniques.

 

It does not sound to me like you have significant withdrawal symptoms.

[jozeff]

Hi alto,

 

Thanks for your feedback.

 

I work on the computer regularly but I also walk a lot. I work in a lab so I'm constantly moving.

 

I have visited many chiropractors and physical therapists in my life. Helps a couple of hours and then the pain returns.

 

I've a feeling that since tapering my backpain has worsened.

 

I've had mood issues in the past but never ever so bad as since my citalopram adventures.

 

I've tried taking it in de evening and morning. Now I split the dose in half and take it twice a day.

 

I've also checked for diabetes but that seems to be ok.

 

I suspect my eating makes.me miserable or at least 1 hour after eating.....blood glucose stuff.

 

I take less caffeine then some time ago but symptoms stay the same.

 

Since tapering citalopram I feel miserable do I think I do have WD symptoms.

 

I didn't mention the nausea, fever like symptoms, insense fatigue, suicidal thoughts, intense depression, anxiety, hopelessness.........all these things I never truly had in the past.

 

 

Jozeff

 

 

[Altostrata]

You may have to do daily exercises for your neck and back pain.

 

1 hour ago, jozeff said:

I didn't mention the nausea, fever like symptoms, insense fatigue, suicidal thoughts, intense depression, anxiety, hopelessness.........all these things I never truly had in the past.

 

These symptoms are probably more closely related to withdrawal than your pre-existing back pain. In your daily notes, we need to see when withdrawal symptoms appear. Ups and downs in mood are not as significant.

 

You will need to manage symptoms of low mood. Are you down because you feel poorly? That is not a withdrawal symptom, it's you worrying about how you feel. Adding this secondary anxiety can make your withdrawal symptoms worse. See

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

[jozeff]

Thanks alto,

 

Appreciate your input!

 

You may very well be right. I have a certain level of worrying and tension that just doesn't seem to go away. I works 4 days a week and we have a 1 year old and an 8 year old boy. It is a busy environment and sometimes it's just hard no not get overwhelmed by all the things that have to be done. I mean there's a lot of stuff going around....feeding, diaper, fruitsnack, crying, sleeping, and that's all just me (just kidding

 

It's a busy environment and especially with the covid situation the kids have been at home all the time so there wasn't a possibility to just relax completely and try to recharge.

 

That's why I decided to hold the taper in February. But because I didn't really stabilize ( as far as I can tell), I have decided to continue a slow taper.

 

Perhaps the 3% was too much for me. I will continue by just 1% at a time it worries me a lot that I haven't reached the lower concentrations of citalopram and it is already this hard. I mean I've come from 18 mg to 11.3 in one year. That is not what I expected at all.... I thought I would be at 4 mg or something. This will take like 5 years without knowing if it is going to work...

 

Well a lot of people have this problem so just stick with it.

 

 

Thanks again for your tips Alto!

 

Hope you are doing just fine

 

 

Cheers

 

Jozeff

 

[jozeff]

I read something about people possibly running out of medication so I reacted in gridleys topic and wrote the following. ......

 

About running out of medication.... I was affraid about this also although here in the Netherlands things are pretty well regulated. They also changed brand all the time and that really made me very unwell.

 

What I did was the following. I went to my GP and told him I wanted to updose because I felt my citalopram wasn't working that well anymore. I was on 15 mg and went to 20 and a few weeks later I went to 30, anyway, that's what I told him....( I was still on 15 mg actually and tapering even lower).

 

I am on about 10 mg now but I have 30 mg prescribed daily. I have 20 mg per day left!

 

I get a 2 month supply every time but in my case that is actually 6 months(which costs me about 12 EUR). I did this a couple of times so I have enough citalopram to complete my entire taper!

 

I know this is not the fairest way to do things but the thought of not having enough medication is very distressing also. The doctor doesn't really care if I take 10 mg or 30 mg as long as I don't show up too often

 

I don't want to encourage anyone to do this but it's just how I ended up doing things.

 

 

Hope you are doing great!

 

Jozeff

[Erell]

if the system doesn't help you, use the system

Sassenach told me this once, and I found it very true !

 

To be honest, I think a lot of us here lie to their doctor in order to have enough meds to taper safely !

 

Most important  : taking care of yourself, only yourself

[jozeff]

Hi guys a little update from me

Stopped tapering in February 2020 @ 11.68 mg citalopram but started again 7tm may 2020 and lowered 3% to 11.33 mg. Feeling very low since a couple of weeks.

 

I can hardly imagine it is the last 3% taper that is bothering me so much.

 

It might be my taper from 18 to 11.68 mg from April 2019 to February 2020 which is 35% but very gradually over 10 months.... Since the most potency of ssri is in the last 10mg I am very discouraged by this.

 

If this is too fast for me then it's gonna take 10 years of misery and tapering...

 

I take my meds in two portions. Half in the morning and half in evening. I start to feel very low around lunchtime so I'm thinking about splitting my meds in 4 parts.

 

Does this make sense??

 

What do you guys think?

 

I'm also decreasing my diet coke intake... I was drinking almost 2 liters of that stuff...

 

I went off diet coke for a while but didn't notice much effect sadly.

 

Thanks for your input!

 

Jozeff

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

What do you mean by feeling low? Are you taking any other drugs?

 

Do you drink coffee or other form of caffeine?

[jozeff]

Hi Alto,

 

No I don't take any other drugs. Only supplements like magnesium and fish oil. Sometimes a multivitamin for trace elements but not many.

 

I have this pressure in my forehead and derealization feeling and I feel very unpleasant sometimes.

 

I feel very of and depressed during the afternoon. I get up pretty ok and take my 5.65 mg of citalopram and have a sandwich( I also take 5.65 mg citalopram in the evening). Go to work and around noon I start feeling very low and hopeless (also in the weekends). I eat a 800 Kcal shake divided in three parts at work so I have very regular energy (healthy shake with cottage cheese, kale, fats, oats, some mild herb and some sea salt).

 

 

I drink around 4  small cups of coffee in the morning and 2 in afternoon. I drink lots of diet coke in the evening but I decreased that a lot. I didn't drink  diet coke for 2 months but that didn't make much of a difference to be honest.

 

I have decent dinner and some snacks in evening

 

I have been reading a lot about sucralose and acesulfame-k and I get a lot af that stuff but I'm taking way less sodas then I used to.

 

I'm taking less caffeine so there might be some withdrawal here. I used to take like 800 mg caffeine each day and some people consider that a lot!

 

I stopped tapering in February 2020 and I did a slow taper before that ( see signature). I have little faith in holding dose to start feeling better tbh. I mean, my taper has been slow already.

 

 

Do you have any suggestions Alto?

 

Thanks a lot!!

 

Jozeff

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

What are your thoughts as you're feeling low? Are they familiar to you?

[jozeff]

My thoughts are that I don't want to live like this anymore. I mean, this constant struggle is draining all my energy every day for 3 years now. I don't want to end my life but just want this trouble to stop.

 

I get these flashbacks of negative things like grey rainy days when I was a kid, feelings of hopelessness I had in my life. Choking feeling of not being in the present. Derealization.

 

Evenings are much clearer and tolerable.

 

These thoughts are familiar but not as intense gas this.

[Altostrata]

You will need to manage habits of mind that increase your stress. See

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms