BadMedicine: tapering off sertraline / Zoloft and olanzapine / Zyprexa

[BadMedicine]

Hi @SeekingMeaning. Thanks for dropping by my thread. Good luck with your surgery. Hope it goes smoothly and that you recover quickly. I hope I can provide some insight into the best way to taper off this wretched drug when the time comes. There are also other people as well who are tapering olanzapine at the moment who would be worth looking up. @haydukehas successfully got down to zero and @Venkat is well on his way now. @Rrsfc is just starting a taper from 2.5mg.

 

I am holding at the moment too after a little hiccup during a stressful period at work but I feel stable at 1.875mg so am hopeful given the right life situation that I will be able to get lower. 

[Lilabella]

Hi @BadMedicine just wanted to say hello, I am also about to start tapering olanzapine. At the moment I'm on 10mg and am quite hopeful I can reduce without too much trouble to 7.5. Did you do it that way? I've had a lot if trouble in the past from quetiapine and I was switched to olanzapine so I'm kern to get lower ASAP. Anyway, just wanted to connect and say hi, it's helpful if we olanzapine people share a bit I think. Hope you are well with your recent reduction. All the best to you. 

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Lilabella. Thanks for dropping by. It’s good that you are stable at 10mg although sorry you have ended up on olanzapine especially due to a misguided taper by your psychiatrist. It confounds me how they can be so ignorant about the addictive nature of these drugs. Ignorance is bliss I guess on their part because then they don’t have to face the reality that they are doing harm by prescribing these drugs, in some cases in excessive doses and unnecessarily. You are right, though the more of us that come together and share our experiences the higher the chance of getting off it safely.

in answer to your question I found 10 to 7.5mg quite easy. Felt some fatigue and depression for a couple of weeks and that was it. 7.5 to 5 was a bit harder but I felt back to WD normal after a few months I think. 5 to 2.5 was much trickier although I did also rapid taper sertraline at the same time. I essentially had to hold for a year and a few months after that. I did try a further reduction to 1.875 during that time-but had to go back up to 2.5mg due to mild psychosis. Since then I have done a water titration down to 1.875mg dropping 2.6% every two weeks. Apart from the first month it was quite straightforward. I then tried to go a bit lower using the same water titration method but hit a stressful period at work which destabilised me and I have had to go back up to 1.875mg. The good news is I’m quite stable at 1.875mg now so with some clear water on the stress side of things I am hopeful I can get lower. Either way things are much better at 1.875 than they were at 2.5 so even if I can’t get further I have reduced my drug burden a bit. Good luck with your taper. Take it slow and steady and you’ll be fine. I tried to rush and paid the price a bit.

[Lilabella]

Thanks for your thoughtful answer. I'm guessing you are doing a water titration? Do you dissolve the tablets or cut? 

I'm so looking forward to being down in the lower doses so I can feel more energy and my old self too.  

[Lilabella]

Sorry I've just reread your response and see that you are doing a water titration method. 

[hayduke]

How's your taper and all going @BadMedicine?

[BadMedicine]

Hi @hayduke. Thanks for dropping by and thinking of me. I am still holding at 1.875mg after the little psychosis episode at Christmas. That resolved very quickly with a small updose and sleep has been very good. However I have been a bit emotionally labile. Not sure if it’s just my emotions coming back and having to re- learn the skills to deal with them or whether it is slightly delayed withdrawal effects from dropping to 1.875mg or whether the olanzapine was masking withdrawal symptoms from my rapid taper of sertraline two years ago. Either way I’m going to wait a bit longer before I make any more reductions. I’ve made a lot of changes over the last 5 years - initially escalating doses and then when I realised these drugs were doing me harm in many ways trying to get off them. As much as I want to get off the olanzapine I think my brain needs a bit of stability for awhile. Things overall are much better at this lower dose so it is not so hard to hold. I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to get off the olanzapine as I seem to be susceptible to psychosis coming back. After a long hold I will try again but if I have to stay on 1.875mg that is a whole heap better than even 2.5mg. 

[Rrsfc]

I have been on a long hold prior my current taper as you know and it kind of sucks, don't get discouraged by it. You are doing the right thing, really adjusting to the dosage. Take as long as you need. I believe with persistance we'll get there eventually. For us not feeling withdrawal is key, going so slow the brain almost doesn't feel it. We have to be smart if we want to really get off this drug. I used my hold to focus on other things and it paid off. The current taper is going really well, I feel confident I have the skills to handle it. About your doubts about emotional lability, I still haven't reached 2mg and I already feel that way. I believe the brain is just adjusting, just give it time and try to remain calm while you go through the process. I learned that when we don't know what's going on we must choose the option that makes us feel better about ourselves. If you believe the brain is adjusting you'll feel better. I also feel more impulsive, I believe the drugs are responsible for this too and for my bad memory. In time things will get better, I am a strong believer in the power of exercise to restore brain function. I also eat a lot of blueberries and my diet is very good too. After all the drugs I took over the years I am amazed at how well I feel. I try to be grateful for that and not focus on the things I lost. I've been focusing on labeling and sitting with my emotions, finding healthy ways to work through the things I still need to change. It is a bit painful, takes courage to admit the real truth sometimes but it is worth it. At the moment I believe supressed unresolved emotions plus a disregulated nervous system were the reason I got psychotic so I am finally getting to the source of things. It was not only anxiety it was also a lack of emotional skills. I hope you can also learn new skills while you hold and that you feel well enough to come down again soon enough. We are all together in this so if you need support we'll be here for you!

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Rrsfc. Thank- you for your encouragement. It really means a lot. Yeah it is hard to hold but I think it’s the only way forward for me. I like your perspective to just think about it as the brain is adjusting and I’m sure that is what is happening. I have a theory as well that when the brain is well it factors in a buffer zone of receptors so that if stress is encountered then the brain can cope with it and remain well. I believe when we are tapering we lose this buffer zone from the stress on the brain from having less drug. The easiest example I guess is the histamine receptors. When we have held a long while we have low levels of receptors which helps promote somnolence when we need to sleep. We can cope with a slight increase that may occur during periods of normal stress where greater wakefulness and energy is required and still induce sleep. When we taper, even when we are going slow we uncover previously inhibited histamine receptors and not only lose the buffer zone but go beyond the level that is normal. I think by holding longer we bring back the buffer zone which then makes subsequent tapers easier for a bit.

I think you are right that we will make it. I didn’t think I’d be able to get to 1.875mg as the first time I tried ( too quickly) I had horrible symptoms but with a reasonable hold at 2.5 and a slow taper here I am. Hopefully a long hold here will enable me to continue down in the future.

I’m not completely sure what led to my psychosis. I think I just had burnout as I was competing at a high level at triathlon as well as holding down a full time job and I just got completely overwhelmed. I did get bullied for a couple of years prior to this which may also have been a contributing factor. I have had some therapy to deal with this but not sure how effective it has been. I am thinking about trying some EMDR for it. I really need to resolve the insecurities that have arisen from this to be sure that I don’t get another full blown episode. You’re also right that Learning healthy coping strategies for dealing with strong emotions is also key. I need to improve here but lately I am getting plenty of practice! Can you recommend any books which deal with this subject?
I agree with you that diet and exercise are key to good mental health and I am doing my best with these.

Wishing you all the best for your continued taper. Please keep sharing your progress. Each of our experiences is invaluable for each other and for those in similar shoes who want to taper in the future.

[Rrsfc]

Hi, I've never actually tried EMDR but from my research I think it's a very valid approach for trauma, you can try that. About your theory there is something about holding that makes us more resilient, what is it I don't know, it's all really complex.

 About strenghtening yourself I believe it must be a synergy of many different things. Food sleep and exercise create a solid base, after that you can feel some balance and start working on your emotions. For that developing an "observer" is very important. I don't know if it was from yoga, journaling, meditation, therapy, talks with friends or all of the above or something else I am now able to see myself more objectively, to analyse my thoughts and infer the emotions I feel because I was never able to feel anything besides anxiety and despair, I was not in touch with my body. I can interpret my behaviour and other people's a lot better now, I observe and I don't judge myself for making mistakes, I try to learn from them. I don't believe my thoughts are truths, they are just clouds passing by in the sky of the mind, there is a calm consciousness observing them and that's the real me. I used to think my thoughts were the real me and that's whatade me feel worse. To work my emotions I'm reading a book but I haven't gone very far yet, don't know if it's good or not. Eric Robertson "Master Your Emotions: Develop Emotional Intelligence and Discover the Essential Rules of When and How to Control Your Feelings" I really liked this vídeo 

https://www.dochaspsych.com/blog-how-to-process-your-emotions-in-a-healthy-way/ there's a second one. Very simple stuff. I usually try to label what I feel, identify in my body what I'm feeling and then I journal about it and what it means for me, what I can do about it... It's not a difficult process it's just painful to feel sometimes. You must allow yourself to feel but not drown yourself in your emotions, that's the most difficult part. In the past I would ruminate days on a row about something, I would feel desperate and get worse and worse, not being able to solve my issue or control the emotions. Anger is hard for me, because the thoughts keep fuelling it. I was a very mental and obsessive person. Now I am really conscious about all my thoughts and how they derive of fear, past hurts, I am now accepting that I was insecure so I wasn't able to tell people they were hurting me. I kind of let them hurt me it was my fault too... I have to own this to be truthfull to myself, to see things as they really are, both sides, have empathy and connection with people in my life. Above all I love and respect myself, this was a very important and not easy achievement. Today I found a wonderful text about letting go of resentment. https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/release-resentment-5-steps/ I usually browse these kind of small texts or videos and read them while feeling the emotions, I try to incorporate the exercises in my journaling. This way I am not just feeling I am actively processing the emotions. About your psychosis be sure to address any psychological issues you feel may have contributed to it. I used to think of myself as well adjusted, now I look back and I can see a lot of things I didn't handle well and that drove me to the tipping point... Hope I have helped you move forward... Triathlon, wow, that must be really intense! I started doing sports just 5 years ago and it was really hard, can't imagine triathlon. You must be really proud of all your hard work, you should be. I believe you already have the right mindset and focus to improve your life, you just have to make adjustments, pinpoint your past mistakes and try to correct them. Psychosis really makes us feel crazy and unworthy, doubtfull of our own sanity... But there is a way out, at least I believe I have found one for me. I may not be able to get completely off meds, but I regained my life, that's what really matters, I believe I am already a winner. 

[hayduke]

On 3/19/2022 at 5:45 AM, BadMedicine said:

Hi @hayduke. Thanks for dropping by and thinking of me. I am still holding at 1.875mg after the little psychosis episode at Christmas. That resolved very quickly with a small updose and sleep has been very good. However I have been a bit emotionally labile. Not sure if it’s just my emotions coming back and having to re- learn the skills to deal with them or whether it is slightly delayed withdrawal effects from dropping to 1.875mg or whether the olanzapine was masking withdrawal symptoms from my rapid taper of sertraline two years ago. Either way I’m going to wait a bit longer before I make any more reductions. I’ve made a lot of changes over the last 5 years - initially escalating doses and then when I realised these drugs were doing me harm in many ways trying to get off them. As much as I want to get off the olanzapine I think my brain needs a bit of stability for awhile. Things overall are much better at this lower dose so it is not so hard to hold. I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to get off the olanzapine as I seem to be susceptible to psychosis coming back. After a long hold I will try again but if I have to stay on 1.875mg that is a whole heap better than even 2.5mg. 

 

Self care is super important when you feel anything that might be labelled "psychotic" coming on.  I'm not sure which symptoms led you to think that way, or who is telling you what they think, but I think the hardest emotional spiral I remember during my taper felt like riding a hang glider in a hurricane.  But with the help the therapist had given me I was able to stabilise and recover.  It was due to trauma of course, but wd symptoms from the cuts can make you that much rawer and maybe less settled to handle it.  Learning to ground and keep safe when this kind of trauma and flashbacks emerge, and work with what is coming up, is sort of like turning lead into gold.  Or at least having a good vomit in your own bathroom instead of the taxi driver getting upset and taking you to the cop shop because you won't politely hand over 50 quid to clean it up 🙂

I think if you are having things like this come up, it's a strong indicator to hold and start working with a therapist you like with what is coming up.  As I've written before, EMDR was what helped me work these things out along the way and safely continue the taper.  While there are probably other viable ways, that is what let me come down safely.

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Rrsfc. Many thanks for your very detailed answer. I will seek out some EMDR I think. There are definitely some unresolved insecurities from that bullying episode that need sorting out.

With regards to dealing with emotions - with the blog you sent and your text you have made me realise I don’t deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I definitely try and suppress negative emotions as I feel ashamed to be feeling that way. But as you point out actually they are trying to tell you something about about why you react in a certain way to certain situations. And if you allow yourself to understand why you do react that way by recognising the trigger then I can see they become a source of self- growth. I have a lot of work to do here I think. If it allows me to get to a stage of self- love that you have managed to achieve by putting in all the hard work you have done then that would be fabulous. That is something I definitely struggle with these days. Thank- you for your post. It most definitely gives me a way to move forward. I have seen a number of counsellors and no-one has ever explained it to me like that before.
You’re right that psychosis is a very isolating condition that leaves you feeling extremely vulnerable. But I think you have really used it as a learning experience and as a force for self- growth. It is very admirable and I hope I can start viewing it that way as well. I feel like I am 2 different people at the moment - pre- psychosis and post- psychosis. I need to find a way to move forward and this is certainly a starting point. 
 

@haydukeThank-you for your reply and sharing your experience. The taper does certainly amplify any difficult emotions and memories that one is feeling that’s for certain. It is comforting to know that you also experienced this and with hard work and a good therapist managed to get past them safely. I am going to try some EMDR for past trauma and also going to try and work on understanding some of my more difficult emotions with the advice from rrfsc. Hopefully this coupled with a long hold will allow me to progress my taper further in the future. 

[hayduke]

I think the whole concept of psychosis is pretty suspect, at least based on when I was told I was demonstrating it.  Bessel van der Kolk explaining in his book how parts of the brain literally go offline during a flashback like they were at the time of the original trauma seems like a great place to start modelling irrational or 'difficult' behaviour instead.  Then there is the effect of street drugs I was taking last century.

 

I wouldn't say I experienced psychosis during my taper.  But I was conscious now and again of growing anxiety and other things that were precursors to trouble with family before.  With therapy you learn to surf these big waves properly towards healing instead of wiping out.  It remains unpleasant in these times of course, but once you learn good ways to release it and process it you will be ok.  The more you do it the more sure you become that you can ride it out to the shore if it comes up.

[hayduke]

From my intro thread, the night after the root trauma was unearthed during EMDR

 

On 4/19/2019 at 4:14 PM, hayduke said:

Recognising what Claire Weekes calls the 'second fear' was helpful when inevitably a messy bunch of stuff came up after the breakthrough.  Going from insomnia and escalating anxiety to sleeping soundly on the same night without any drugs beyond the taper in progress was very heartening.  My psychologist confirmed the importance and value of "self-soothing" which I was reading about on here in one of Altostrata's posts.

 

[BadMedicine]

Hi @hayduke. Thank you for your post and sharing your experience. It is really very helpful and much appreciated.  Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I have had a busy week. I don’t think there is any doubt that I experienced psychosis when I first got ill. I was hearing voices, which at times I knew were not real and at times didn’t. And had some really irrational beliefs. Whether you can call what I experienced at Christmas was psychosis is debatable. It was me that labelled it as that not a medical professional. I didn’t see anyone about it and was behaving entirely normally but I did start hearing a quiet voice again. Some say hearing voices if you don’t have any irrational thoughts or behaviour is a normal human experience but I would rather not experience it, although I probably could get used to it over time if they were nice. 
I do think the root cause of my original illness was the bullying combined with completely exhausting myself. I think if I can get over the insecurities I have as a result of the bullying and process the trauma then I may get to the root cause of the problem and my need for the drug would disappear. I do also think there is some supersensitivity at play here as well as I originally only started on an antidepressant Mirtazapine  which got me sleeping again and the worst of the psychotic symptoms disappeared. I was left with a few voices but only really when I went to bed and woke up in the morning. During the day was fine. This time although very mild they were there during the day so it is worse than when I went on the drug.

I have an EMDR appointment on Monday so we will see how that goes. I hope I have as much success as you. After reading your experience with it I am prepared for some difficult feelings to get uncovered and will prepare myself to deal with them. They need addressing rather than smothering. You are right self soothing is really important and is something I need to get better at. I do find meditation helpful so will use that in my armoury.

Cheers. 

[hayduke]

You're brave to face your traumas @BadMedicine.  I've been doing another round of that, this time in a group of CSA survivors.  It's messy, but "better out than in" as they say, already feeling some real improvements.  Hold your nerve, I'm sure you'll be feeling better before long 🙂

Not kidding about the supersensitivity either.  6 months out and I'm still an utter lightweight after a beer or two.

Cheers

[BadMedicine]

So a little update. I decided to give up caffeine as I read it increases the density of dopamine receptors. Thought it might help withdrawal go a bit more smoothly if I have lower basal levels of receptors to begin with. I didn’t drink much caffeine to begin with - 2 cups of tea a day so I thought I could just stop. Had a bit of a headache for the first couple of days but nothing to really write home about. Then my sleep started to get really broken. Out of the blue. It has been really good for ages. Then I discovered both olanzapine and Mirtazapine are metabolised by the same enzyme as the one that metabolises caffeine. Caffeine can markedly inhibit - 120% -140% the metabolism of these drugs. So I had inadvertently made a significant reduction in my drugs! Re- introduced some caffeine and my sleep is improving although it is going to take awhile to get back to how it was. Just a warning. All these things have massive impacts on each other so be careful what you tinker with!

 

Had my first EMDR last Monday. Brought up some very vivid memories of the bullying which she said meant I was holding onto the experience quite tightly. Feel I can access the emotions related to this now at lower doses which should help process it. It was a bit uncomfortable but without addressing it the memories will stay imprinted in my consciousness forever affecting the way I feel about myself. Indeed, there may already have been a slight shift in my confidence levels and the way I feel about myself. It is nothing dramatic yet but it’s also early days.

 

Still holding at the moment but I do feel the emotional volatility is starting to calm down a bit. It does seem to go in waves though so this may not be the case in another week!

[Rrsfc]

Hi, I am so glad you're moving forward even though you are at a hold. I didn't know about caffeine and olanzapine, we must be really careful with every little change we make, especially when coming off the drugs. About the EMDR, I believe it has already been useful for you to start processing your emotions. It's hard but it's so worth it in the end... Keep going, I believe you're on the right track. Keep us posted on your progress! Tapering is not just about getting off the drugs, it is also much about learning ways to cope on their absence and you're working towards that goal. 👏👏

[hayduke]

Took me a year to taper off caffeine the third time.  Still took another 6-9 months to feel awake again, so worth it.  I cross tapered full strength coffee with decaf!

Always was a bit jealous of my country rels after being dragged to the city.  Solution :  move back to the bush!

 

Hope your therapy is going well @BadMedicine

[BadMedicine]

Thanks @haydukefor popping by. I will definitely taper the caffeine in the future. Fortunately re- instating the caffeine has resolved the sleep problems. Lesson learnt!

 

Therapy is going well. I have tried a lot of stuff that hasn’t really worked but two sessions of EMDR. It has brought up some painful memories but I already feel a reduction in my anxiety. I even went on a club bike ride this weekend which I haven’t done for ages because I was too scared of being with a group of people  - some of whom I may not know. You know what - I actually enjoyed it. I feel like my personality is starting to re- appear which has been lost underneath this fear of talking to people. I still have a long way to go, though, but every step forward will re- enforce these small improvements.

[Rrsfc]

Glad to know you're getting better. Some things do make us feel better, we have to keep searching for these strategies. Being around people is hard, I had social anxiety in my 20s. I hope you continue to get better and better, and with time more confident in yourself 😊

[BadMedicine]

Just a quick update. I’m still holding at 1.875mg and have been since December. I’m starting a new job on Monday so will be holding for the foreseeable as I need to remain stable.

 

The good news is that the holding has lead to a significant amount of stability. The emotional volatility that I was experiencing has all but gone. Just the odd day with a slightly lower mood but that’s probably what you would consider normal variation. No psychotic symptoms at all. 

 

The therapy has been going well too. I feel much more confident in my own skin again and am learning to like myself as a person which has been a struggle for the last few years. I feel more like the person I used to be before trauma, illness and drugs robbed me of my personality, drive and self esteem. I am still on a healing journey and am determined eventually to get off the olanzapine but at the moment I am happy where I am. I am in the best place that I have been for 6 long years. It’s time for me to pay back my husband who has been my rock - starting with a long weekend away. I will cherish every moment to make up for the time I have lost.

Hope everyone on here who has supported me through this journey is doing well too. 
BM

[Venkat]

Hi @BadMedicine you seem to be doing pretty well. Happy for you. Good luck with your new job. Yes , eventually you will be drug free sooner or later. Till then enjoy your life the way you are doing now. Your hard work is paying.

[Rrsfc]

I am so glad things are working out for you, congratulations on all your hard work 🙂 

[BadMedicine]

Thank-you @Venkatand @Rrsfc for your well wishes. It means a lot to me. Your support through this process has been invaluable. Wishing you all the best with your continued journeys.  Xx

[hayduke]

Way to go @BadMedicine 🙂

[BadMedicine]

Well this isn’t the update that I was hoping to give. My new job turned out to be very stressful with lots of weekend work and late meetings at least every other week that didn’t see me get home till 9pm. This along with the usual stress of starting a new job has destabilised me and I have been struggling with my mental health the back end of last year. I felt like I was on the edge of a psychotic breakdown. My sleep started to get a bit ragged and a few times I started to hear voices again. I decided to nip it in the bud and go back up to 2.5mg olanzapine. I am a bit sad to make what feels like a backwards step but it has been 2 weeks and my mood is still OK, my sleep has improved and I feel a bit more stable although I can feel that I am a bit emotionally blunted again. I hope in the future that I will be able to go down again but at the moment work is too stressful for me to do it. I may have to concede that I actually need these drugs to remain functional. At least if 2.5mg of olanzapine is enough to remain stable, it is a low enough dose to still retain a reasonable quality of life. Please don’t let this put you off tapering these drugs if you have started. Just because I need these drugs for maintenance doesn’t mean you will and I hope I won’t if I can make life a bit less stressful. 

[Venkat]

Sorry to hear about this @BadMedicine. Don't know what to say. You know what is best for you. Coming down from 7.5mg and stabilizing at 2.5 while continuing  to work is a huge achievement in itself. Wishing you a stable, healthy and happy life.

Yourself and Rrsfc will continue to be an inspiration. 

[RachelSusan]

@BadMedicine I wanted to say hello and offer my support. It sounds like you have had a difficult time with the medications and have really struggled to maintain a stable life.  You tapered completely off of 200mg of sertraline, which in my opinion is a huge accomplishment. You reduced your olanzapine from 7.5mg to now 2.5mg. This is amazing.  Yes, you got a bit lower with the olanzapine but your job has played a huge factor into your present up-dose.  You are being proactive with your mental health which is very good. 

 

You seem to be doing a good job managing your work situation however I am very sorry that you are in a stressful position.  As someone that had a work environment very similar to what you are describing I have a lot of empathy for you. I loved my job but it took a lot out of me. I have compassion for you and the position you are in.

 

It sounds like you have a really good understanding of your medical needs and are taking good care of yourself. I hope you can be proud of yourself for this.  You sound like a really nice person and I wish for the best for you. Please continue to drop by and let us know how you are doing. I follow you so I will see your posts.

 

Best wishes.

RS

[Rrsfc]

Hi @BadMedicine, sometimes things just don't work out like we plan and there's no harm in that. You were smart to up your dosage before your symptons got worse, you probably would end up taking an even bigger dosage if you didn't. Disease doesn't magically disappear because se decide to go off meds, even if we make a lot of life changes, at least it didn't for me. You have to be vigilant of your symptons and take care of yourself the best you can ver it with non drug interventivos ir taking meds. Like others said you already have achieved so much, be proud of yourself and take a rest from tapering olanzapine. Time will come when you feel you can taper again or you can find you feel better taking a small dose, that's fine too. You just have to find what works for you, we are all different. For me success is not reaching 0 meds, is living a happy and productive life with the least meds possible... I wish you all the best, if you want to talk we are all here supporting you. Sending you a big hug, hope things get better at work. 

[BadMedicine]

Thank-you @Venkat, @RachelSusanand @Rrsfcfor your kind words. They mean a lot.
You are all right I need to recognise I have come a long way even if I haven’t made it completely off meds. And I am so much more like myself than I was when I was on sertraline and higher dosages of olanzapine even with still taking some medication.

Mental illness is tough to come to terms with though. If you have a bad infection you take antibiotics which make you better and then when you stop then you are fine. You take psych drugs which get the symptoms under control but don’t always cure the underlying illness. I think I need to come to some sort of acceptance that this is the case with me. I have been in denial that there is anything long term wrong with me and been blaming the drugs as the problem. At higher doses they certainly were causing personality changes and limiting lifestyle but at these lower doses I think I have to accept that they are helping me and that I am still finding hard. It is a mindset though and now I know this is the case I can work on coming to terms with this. It doesn’t have to limit having a happy and fulfilling life as you have all alluded to. And who knows if I can reduce stress in my life maybe I can maintain myself on even lower dosages.

@Venkati am pleased that I have managed to inspire you to continue on your tapering journey and that you are doing so well now. I think you will make it off the drugs and will be even better when you get there.

@RachelSusan. Very nice to meet you. Thank-you for sharing your story about your job with me. It really helps having someone who understands how much these situations can impact you. I really hope you have managed to find a good balance for yourself where you do something enjoyable and rewarding without the mental toll that can sometimes accompany this. 

@RrsfcYou are very inspiring as someone who is in a similar situation to me but who has made peace with your situation. You have put a great deal of work in to have a happy and fulfilling life and I wish you all the best. 
Thank-you all again for your support.

 

BW,

BM

 

 

[morgana]

Hi @BadMedicine, i have always kept up to date with watching how you were going, i am sorry i was never really someone who could give positive feedback or support, however i do know how you feel, as i also have had to go back to a solid 2.5mg pill due to lack of sleep, i am also coming to the conclusion that i will also have to take it for the rest of my life as even after updosing i still do not sleep...no win situation unfortunately i am in...due to lack of sleep i feel i am losing touch with reality...i actually feel i am already dead, that i am just resting in peace and if i took my own life i would be in no better situation than what i am in now...i would still be resting in peace and still disconnected from reality...i wish you all the best

[BadMedicine]

@morgana. Thank-you for your message. I’m sorry that you are also experiencing difficulties. I hope that going up to 2.5mg starts to give you some relief. Not sleeping is one of the worst things one can experience. And this can cause all sorts of psychological problems. Do not give up as there will be a way out. One thing that has helped me with sleep is regular exercise. I don’t know whether that is something you can do. Also know that there is nothing wrong with having to take medication if it allows you to live a normal life. I know it is easy to say that and I struggle with the concept too but it is true. I wish you all the best too. Please keep going. Things will get better. 

[Hanna72]

Hey @BadMedicine

Been reading your latest posts, and wanted to chime in with the others.

I also find your accomplishments amazing and you should be proud of yourself. You know best what works for you and I have to say that being functional and living your life the best you can, should always be your priority. 
Never say never though, I too thought after my last crash that I was doomed on these drugs, been finding out or let’s say I think I am not, at least I hope not.

Here is a quote for you.

 

‘’ Fate whispers to the warrior ’you can not withstand the storm’

The warrior whispers back,

’I am the storm’

 

Best wishes to you 🙏

[morgana]

thanks @BadMedicinetake care

[FireflyFyte]

BadMedicine, I think it is commendable that you proactively addressed your mental health before it deteriorated further even if that means upping your dose to 2.5mg. I will be starting my taper of Olanzapine soon and hope that if I need to up-dose during the process that I can be aware enough to do so.