thelegend: hoping to get there

[thelegend]

Not getting the amazing days I had the last vacation, but it has been manageable. Really not looking forward to going home as I must be worse than I was in August. That really worries me about how I can cope when I get back.

[Tom37]

You will cope so try not to add that stress to it all. I know how it feels to feel like your going backwards and for most of us we go through these bumps on the way to recovering as it’s definitely not a linear process. And I know the bumps feel a lot bigger than they are when your in it.

[RusTW]

On 12/28/2019 at 3:11 PM, thelegend said:

@sunnysideup69 and @RusTW it has actually been very good so far. WD symptoms have been present, especially in the mornings, but have been overall very manageable and I have had a great time. Honestly just scared for the vacation to end as it has been so nice.

Yes sir I think the day-to-day grind makes withdrawals a little bit darker or a little more depending on the waves and windows.

It's good you've managed to keep your job and be productive that's a good accomplishment be proud of yourself.

You have your family there for you + things to look forward to in the future.

 

[RusTW]

Be productive with your time.

[thelegend]

Still on vacation but a tough day yesterday and this morning has not been good at all. If I can be this bad on vacation, I am really scared for what lies ahead of me when I am back to the real grind as I am always so much worse.

[thelegend]

I have seen @brassmonkey talk about stabilization being a general feeling of bad with no major swings in either direction. I am kind of hoping that is what is happening with me. Seems my anxiety is less extreme, but I haven’t been getting the  complete relief during this vacation.

[Cocopuffz17]

2 hours ago, thelegend said:

Still on vacation but a tough day yesterday and this morning has not been good at all. If I can be this bad on vacation, I am really scared for what lies ahead of me when I am back to the real grind as I am always so much worse.

Don’t worry about things that you have no control over. I let myself go and was like well that’s from WD, nothing I can do about it, just power through. It will get better! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed! 

[Tom37]

Think of stabilisation as being fully functional with no major swings in symptoms so the waves stop. You may not still feel normal but you will feel pretty close to it unless you have side effects from the drug. For me I had zero side effects before tapering so expect to get back to that place otherwise I think I’m still in withdrawal and my nervous system is still not right.

[sunnysideup69]

11 hours ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

Don’t worry about things that you have no control over. I let myself go and was like well that’s from WD, nothing I can do about it, just power through. It will get better! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed! 

Yes, exactly @thelegend, Coco's approach is spot on. Plus, there's no telling with WD, it can switch the game around, you may feel better when you go back to work.

Wishing you a happy and healthy 2020 😊

[thelegend]

On 12/31/2019 at 12:41 PM, Tom37 said:

Think of stabilisation as being fully functional with no major swings in symptoms so the waves stop. You may not still feel normal but you will feel pretty close to it unless you have side effects from the drug. For me I had zero side effects before tapering so expect to get back to that place otherwise I think I’m still in withdrawal and my nervous system is still not right.

yeah me too, zero side effects before all of this garbage started. Gotta think by 2021 I will be doing much better...I hope. Today is the last vacation day and man, am I getting pounded with symptoms! Was so good the last time I was on vacation to the exact same place to visit in-laws at the cabin, this time started out pretty good, but has just progressively gotten worse. Was really counting on the break to help me when I got back to real life. Just like you Tom, I am worried about being unable to continue to work.

[Tom37]

Try not to be worried about not doing as good on vacation this time as it’s wd and you can’t control how it goes. Doesn’t mean your getting worse just means your struggling for the moment. The whole 1 step forward then two steps back thing. It does change and get better we just don’t know when. At 10 months out I thought recovery was just round the corner but clearly not so try not to put a time frame on it.

[thelegend]

Has anyone tried a ketogenic diet while in WD? Looking to limit my sugar/carbs and maybe lose a few pounds.

[Cocopuffz17]

15 minutes ago, thelegend said:

Has anyone tried a ketogenic diet while in WD? Looking to limit my sugar/carbs and maybe lose a few pounds.

I am on The Plant Paradox by Dr.Gundry it is very close to that diet and I know it is the only reason I have been able to come off my medication and stay off.

[sunnysideup69]

3 hours ago, thelegend said:

Has anyone tried a ketogenic diet while in WD? Looking to limit my sugar/carbs and maybe lose a few pounds.

Hi @thelegend, I'd be a bit careful about changing diet whilst in WD. Any radical shift can affect how your antidep is working. 

I also say this from experience, I tried a low carb diet in May 2018 just before I crashed and it made me feel the effects of my previous fast taper much more.

Plus, and I'm not a dietician, but I read somewhere that keto diets create some kind of increase in adrenaline. I'm not sure if that's just in the beginning or generally, but you might wanna check that out. I'm not sure an increase in adrenaline right now would be useful....

I think cutting back on refined sugar is good though....

[thelegend]

Tough day again today, drove home from our vacation, had some moments of good, but overall a real struggle.

[Tom37]

No good mate....is it mainly anxiety that causing you the problems or physical symptoms as well?....Hope tomorrow is better.

[thelegend]

@Tom37 Mainly anxiety, though I do have burning eyes, and on occasion some burning in my arms when I wake. I don’t have the physical shakes as bad as I used to, and my IBS seems to be much better. Early morning cortisol dumps are the worst, but I guess that probably falls under the “anxiety” category.

[thelegend]

I have decided at the start of every month I will list symptoms I am currently dealing with, ones that have gotten better, and ones that have pretty much gone. Doing this to try to see some improvement as I am struggling right now to see some after 8 months:

 

Monthly Update

 

Symptoms:

Anxiety: Still very much around, maybe bad as ever.

 

Morning Cortisol Awakenings: 

Still very much around, maybe more mild?
 

Burning Eyes - was gone for a while but now have been back for the last month or so, though not as bad as the beginning.

IBS:

Much better than 8 months ago, almost gone.

 

Burning Arms:

Gone for the most part, was really bad at one point. Sometimes I will feel it a bit in the mornings.

 

Shaking: Still around, though not as bad as the beginning.

 

Nightly Windows:

Anxiety calms down at night, but these were more pronounced a month or two ago.

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Looks like you have made some progress to me even if you feel it’s small it’s still progress. This can just take a very long time to get through. The key one for you is that anxiety and hopefully you will see improvement soon but don’t be surprised if it’s the last to clear up. Seems to be the way with our worst symptoms staying the longest. A positive is your not really getting new symptoms which is my problem.

[thelegend]

On 1/2/2020 at 10:50 PM, Tom37 said:

Looks like you have made some progress to me even if you feel it’s small it’s still progress. This can just take a very long time to get through. The key one for you is that anxiety and hopefully you will see improvement soon but don’t be surprised if it’s the last to clear up. Seems to be the way with our worst symptoms staying the longest. A positive is your not really getting new symptoms which is my problem.

That is true, haven’t seen any real new symptoms, just old ones I thought were gone coming back. The anxiety and the morning cortisol dumps are by far the worst, I wouldn’t even care about the other stuff if those two would go away, and those are the two that don’t seem to be getting any better 8 months in.

[Edmunds]

You have been on Zoloft many more years than I was on Effexor--about three and a half. That probably helps in some measure the greater time your recovery is taking, or seriously getting underway. During the four-five months that I had nearly continuous anxiety and, like you, morning cortisol spikes, it was easy for me to wonder if I would ever improve. Then in November both the anxiety and cortisol surges started to recede and did so quite rapidly, that is, over a few weeks. Neither has returned to any significant degree, as of today. I continue to deal with derealization disconnect, blurry vision, fatigue, and multiple BMs a day (the least of my worries!). But the retreat of the anxiety has helped me keep up my confidence that recovery will continue. At some point your windows will open wide and stay open, if at the rate of one symptom at a time.

[Tom37]

It just takes time that’s all it is. The secondary symptoms that have come back is because the brain hasn’t quite got it right yet. Unfortunately you may find those go before the anxiety but the anxiety with ease at some point it’s just getting through daily life until it happens. Look at all the success stories and a lot of them had constant anxiety for a long time but it all faded away.

[thelegend]

Thanks @Edmunds and @Tom37. I need this today, near constant anxiety all day, still going at 9:30 PM. Not sure why I don’t get those breaks at night anymore, they were SO nice!!

[insistpersistresist]

Sending good vibes your way! I am really trying to be good about not eating any refined sugars and trying to eat good fats (avocados, nuts, seeds, olive oil, ghee, nut butters) to prevent the whole cascade of events that occur with unstable blood sugar. I think your commitment to that will help with your anxiety and healing. Also, would creating something like a vision board or a space where you display all the pictures and reminders of relaxation and joy help remind you or transport you mentally when you are feeling anxious? Because this tough time will be a thing of the past at some point. And sometimes we need reminders surrounding us. All the best.

[sunnysideup69]

4 hours ago, insistpersistresist said:

 Also, would creating something like a vision board or a space where you display all the pictures and reminders of relaxation and joy help remind you or transport you mentally when you are feeling anxious? Because this tough time will be a thing of the past at some point. And sometimes we need reminders surrounding us. All the best.

Hello guys, sorry to butt in, I'm stealing this idea...........a JOY vision board sounds wonderful.

 

[thelegend]

Guys, I have gotten so much worse over the past week I really just don’t know what to do! Up at 5:30AM with anxiety after not having it shut off until like 10PM. I am feeling hopeless, I can’t keep living like this!!

[sunnysideup69]

2 minutes ago, thelegend said:

Guys, I have gotten so much worse over the past week I really just don’t know what to do! Up at 5:30AM with anxiety after not having it shut off until like 10PM. I am feeling hopeless, I can’t keep living like this!!

Sorry to hear this @thelegend, it will pass again, you're in a wave and unfortunately that's the nature of recovery. Try not to wind yourself up, accept all the weird thoughts and feelings if you can....and remember, tomorrow you could switch into a window.

[sunnysideup69]

Also @thelegend, did your diet change over the holidays? E.g. more sugary stuff and rich food? Am guessing it might have done, mine certainly did....and sugar can really cause an uptick in symptoms for me.

 

8 hours ago, insistpersistresist said:

Sending good vibes your way! I am really trying to be good about not eating any refined sugars and trying to eat good fats (avocados, nuts, seeds, olive oil, ghee, nut butters) to prevent the whole cascade of events that occur with unstable blood sugar.

 

I totally concur with this. Unstable blood sugar, which is a given after eating Xmas sweet food, wreaks havoc on my mood. 

[Lynnardgirl]

Try and focus on the presence and keep telling yourself I’m going to heal ! 

[thelegend]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 and @Lynnardgirl. Good thoughts about foods over Christmas. Today is just so bad, and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am just not sure how I will make it through with how bad things have gotten. How are you guys doing?

[mstimc]

Legend, work was very much a double-edged sword for me.  My job demanded a lot of mental focus, so my anxiety and OCD had to take a back seat for nine hours a day.  But sometimes my catastrophic thinking would magnify the most minor mistake.  And Sunday anxiety is a very much a real thing for a lot of people.  A few years ago, one of my co-workers told me her stomach would tie up in knots as the sun set on Sunday nights and she'd be anxious through Monday morning.  Coming off the holiday break is exacerbating the feeling. Hope you're feeling better tomorrow!

[Tom37]

Hey,

 

You know that I was feeling the same about returning to the office and here I am at almost lunch time and it’s going well. Was lucky that started to feel better over last day or two but even though I wasn’t at my worst I was still thinking if I would be ok. Even if you are struggling tomorrow do everything you can to go in as by avoiding it will only increase your own anxiety about going on the next day. Avoidance is a huge part in the circle of anxiety.  If it’s a struggle and you go home early that’s ok but do your best to make it in.

 

I bet you will go in and while may not be easy you will handle it.

[sunnysideup69]

10 hours ago, thelegend said:

Thanks @sunnysideup69 and @Lynnardgirl. Good thoughts about foods over Christmas. Today is just so bad, and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am just not sure how I will make it through with how bad things have gotten. How are you guys doing?

Good luck with work.....it may even help to distract you from symptoms.

 

I'm ok, thanks. Had quite a good Xmas break, did some socialising. A couple.of days at beginning where anxiety and depression were worse, but also lots of windows. Yesterday, a bit more symptomatic......but it will go again.

[thelegend]

Oh man guys these morning cortisol dumps are just too much! I don’t know how much longer I can take it! I saw @brassmonkeycommented on @Dejavu’s thread that 6 months into a hold you should be ready to taper. Why am I still so bad 8 months out!?! Am I doing something wrong? Will I ever get better?

[sunnysideup69]

11 minutes ago, thelegend said:

Oh man guys these morning cortisol dumps are just too much! I don’t know how much longer I can take it! I saw @brassmonkeycommented on @Dejavu’s thread that 6 months into a hold you should be ready to taper. Why am I still so bad 8 months out!?! Am I doing something wrong? Will I ever get better?

Mmmm...not quite sure where you read that? I'm pretty sure the advice would be to hold until you are stable enough to taper.....not everybody is going to be stable at six months in, I'm thinking you might have misinterpreted what was said.....

 

Did you go back to work and how was it?

[thelegend]

1 hour ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Mmmm...not quite sure where you read that? I'm pretty sure the advice would be to hold until you are stable enough to taper.....not everybody is going to be stable at six months in, I'm thinking you might have misinterpreted what was said.....

 

Did you go back to work and how was it?

 
yes I made it back to work, and it wasn’t an awful day, made it through ok and was feeling pretty good last night until I got slammed with anxiety 1st thing the morning at 6AM. I am just so sick of waking up like this.