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Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Erell

@Rhiannon : you would be amazed by all  the  different colloquials and words you can find in French, depending on the  region ;)

 

@sunnysideup69 : yes it is Nice To Feel "normal " feelings instead of brutal WD émotions ;)

Hugs from a very chilly Brittany !

 

Diary Friday 8 Novembre/ day 45 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up with the alarm, cortisol Spike lower, felt less agitated 😍

Took 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

Internal tremors. 

9am anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

It Will be the same all morning.

12.30 anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

Afternoon went To the bookstore, managed To spend 15min in a shop To do some food shopping. Then went To the seaside To walk.

Symptoms stayed at 5. Quick Spike of anxiety at 6 on the seaside, mostly because of dizziness. 

Lot of aches in my body all Afternoon, like if I had do a lot of sport. But totally bearable.

7pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

8.30pm  bedtime.

9.30pm anxiety : 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Aches and back pain, totally bearable. 

 

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up this morning at 6.30am, anxious but the cortisol Spike still Feel lower 😍

 

 

---》 a wave a bit easier To surf Yesterday, only one Spike at 6. Life is shaking me right now, but i'm kind of proud To not plunge in despair (thank you méditation practice ;) ).

I Feel sadness, but it Feels like a "normal" feeling.

--》 one thing that I consider as a positive one is that I started To think about tappering. I know I won't taper any soon, probably not before a year.  But I was utterly unable To imagine tappering Again. Yesterday it Feels like I was able To project myself Again, and happy To imagine a life without this poison 😉

 

 

Still waiting for a beaaaaaaauuuutifull Window 🤗

 

Have a Nice day all ❤

 

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sunnysideup69

Wow, this is great! So glad those cortisol spikes are lessening.

Am with you on the body aches, also had those yesterday.

It is a very good sign that you were able to imagine a point in the future when you will taper again. Do you do any visualisation? Eg where you spend just 5 mins imagining how you will feel in, say, a year, when you are stabilised; how situations will be? I actually haven't done that yet, but am gonna try it on my up days. Can't do it on the down ones.

Xxxx

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Guilietta

Hello Erell,

 

It looks like you had a 'good' day yesterday and were able to bear some of the unpleasant WD better. :) I am really happy for you. You deserve it after the tumult of the past week. (we need an emoji to show someone up and down doing a happy dance!)  Noting that self-care techniques with management of your WD and difficulties in life (like your grand mother and friend) shows growth and self-awareness. We (or at least I) will borrow this from you. ;)

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I started To think about tappering.

5 hours ago, Erell said:

esterday it Feels like I was able To project myself Again, and happy To imagine a life without this pois

 

Envisioning a future without drugs - and having the courage to accept and know that  you will taper another drug in the future is a huge step forward. We will be here together to support each o ther as we get off these drugs. I will be here for you.

 

I hope your grandmother is doing OK.

 

@sunnysideup69 brilliantly suggested that you take 5 minutes to see yourself in a future life - living happily off these drugs. This positive thinking moves us forward bit by bit. 

 

Here's to another good day.

Hugs,

Guilietta 🤗

 

 

 

 

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sunnysideup69

@Erell @Guilietta, yes, I'm going to take my own advice and try to do the 5 mins thing. Haven't tried it yet. But I bet it would help xxx

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MissyE
6 hours ago, Erell said:

@Rhiannon : you would be amazed by all  the  different colloquials and words you can find in French, depending on the  region ;)

 

@sunnysideup69 : yes it is Nice To Feel "normal " feelings instead of brutal WD émotions ;)

Hugs from a very chilly Brittany !

 

Diary Friday 8 Novembre/ day 45 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

7.30am: woke up with the alarm, cortisol Spike lower, felt less agitated 😍

Took 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

Internal tremors. 

9am anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

It Will be the same all morning.

12.30 anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

Afternoon went To the bookstore, managed To spend 15min in a shop To do some food shopping. Then went To the seaside To walk.

Symptoms stayed at 5. Quick Spike of anxiety at 6 on the seaside, mostly because of dizziness. 

Lot of aches in my body all Afternoon, like if I had do a lot of sport. But totally bearable.

7pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

8.30pm  bedtime.

9.30pm anxiety : 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. Aches and back pain, totally bearable. 

 

Lights off at 11pm, fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up this morning at 6.30am, anxious but the cortisol Spike still Feel lower 😍

 

 

---》 a wave a bit easier To surf Yesterday, only one Spike at 6. Life is shaking me right now, but i'm kind of proud To not plunge in despair (thank you méditation practice ;) ).

I Feel sadness, but it Feels like a "normal" feeling.

--》 one thing that I consider as a positive one is that I started To think about tappering. I know I won't taper any soon, probably not before a year.  But I was utterly unable To imagine tappering Again. Yesterday it Feels like I was able To project myself Again, and happy To imagine a life without this poison 😉

 

 

Still waiting for a beaaaaaaauuuutifull Window 🤗

 

Have a Nice day all ❤

 

Hi Erell

 

I'm sorry to read about your current situation; it's hard enough going through WD.  I'm glad to you're starting to pick up though and even feeling a bit proud of yourself!  Right there with you wishing for a window.    Trying to accept this wave as temporary.

 

I want to remind you, you are strong, kind and capable.  When l was feeling desperate, your kind words of support were  incredibly helpful, reminding me I'm not alone and that you care.

 

I've been reading but haven't commented sooner because it takes a while for me to find the courage. I overthink too and am battling intrusive thoughts. 

 

Wishing you peace

Love Missy x

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Guilietta
3 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

I'm going to take my own advice and try to do the 5 mins thing.

 

Good idea. I have a book that I document (when I am following my own advice 😉) worries (at the end), and gratitude and at the front. I will add the envisioning life in the future off cymbalta and more recovered. :)

 

Time to count beads.

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

You  sound so much calmer which is good to see.

I know you want a window but the underlying baseline improvement is actually much better in terms of ongoing recovery.

It means your brain is slowly sorting everything out and does not want to stop for a window.

Usual weekend, got to go.

Have a lovely evening.

 

Sass

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Rhiannon
11 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Hey @Erell, I'm glad you had less WD despair. And of course, totally natural to feel sadness at the events going on in your life at the moment. I think it's really good that you can *feel* ordinary feelings..... so often, the ADs cover those over. 

I had a really good cry last Saturday out of sadness, and it felt SO GOOD to get in touch with some genuine feeling again.

Wishing you a good day today. Big hugs from very chilly London.

xxxxx

 

I was unable to weep for so many years due to the ADs and withdrawal and feeling too unsafe to let myself go. Now whenever I find myself crying in therapy or at home I say "I'm crying, yay!" and I really feel that way.

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Rhiannon
9 minutes ago, Sassenach said:

Hi Erell

 

You  sound so much calmer which is good to see.

I know you want a window but the underlying baseline improvement is actually much better in terms of ongoing recovery.

It means your brain is slowly sorting everything out and does not want to stop for a window.

Usual weekend, got to go.

Have a lovely evening.

 

Sass

 

I agree with this 100%. I know that steady, gradually improving misery is not much fun, but I think it's a more stable milieu for our brain to do its healing work, than the big swings of windows and waves. This is more like gentle rocking waves and waves that are just soft improvements.  I am amazed you are already stabilizing so well since less than two months ago and I think this is very encouraging. Courage cherie, just continue walking through each day and doing the things that are good for you.

 

Also I think you may find that you are ready to begin a slow taper sooner than a full year from now, at the rate you are improving. I can't promise, of course, we shall have to wait and see, but you are really settling down fast.

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Erell

@sunnysideup69 : yes I do visualisation ;) not really about living without médication (I know I'll have To taper during years,  so it seems too far To project myself), but more about stabilisation ;)

I  do it mostly before falling asleep, To fall asleep with a smile and, perhaps, make sweet dreams 😉

 

@Guilietta : i'm sorry I didn't  answer your later, i'll try To do this evening 😘

 

@MissyE :please, don't be sorry 😚 we all do exactly what we can ;) in fact, I totally understand  : this week it is difficult for me To read or write on others threads. 

thank you for your sweet words ❤

 

@Sassenach :busyman😉😙 it is great To know that your weekends are busy!

 

As Sass said, I have To be grateful for this underlying improvment. 

My grandma left us this morning. And I really struggle To accept my limitations, not being able To be away from my flat. 

I'm obsessed by the idea of an incredible Window To be able To run To my family and hold my mum's hand.

But I have To accept : WD really is a brutal acceptance lesson. 

I try hard To be better at this !

 

 

Take good care of yourselves, thinking of all  dear survivors ❤

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Erell

@Rhiannon : I missed your post !

Thank you for sharing your thoughts : I have trouble To not thinking there is a problèm because I don't see any Window since 3weeks.

You and Sass believe its better like this  :thank you for telling me, it helps me !!!

Thank you for your great support!  ❤

 

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Sassenach

I am sorry to hear about your gran.

Please ensure you do all the right things tonight to help you stay calm and sleep as well as can.

 

Sass🤗

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Markolo1980

Dear @Erell my deepest sorry for you loosing your grandma. Be strong and belive me, window is coming. I had one for almost a week!! Now im back in wave but still know that another Window is coming and im sure this one is going to be even longer...

 

 

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Vegalia

Salut Erell,

 

Toutes mes pensées t'accompagnent.

 

Bisous.❤️

 

Vega

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brassmonkey

Erell-- I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  It's even harder when something like this happens when one is in a bad wave. 

 

I know that you are in a very bad way at the moment, but if it is at all possible to get out of the house and be with you mother, even for an hour. I think it will do both of you a lot of good.  Down the road the recriminations that you could feel for not having made the effort cold be staggering.  If you truly can't get there, that's understandable, but I hope you can try.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

 

Brass

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Cocopuffz17
4 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

 

I was unable to weep for so many years due to the ADs and withdrawal and feeling too unsafe to let myself go. Now whenever I find myself crying in therapy or at home I say "I'm crying, yay!" and I really feel that way.


This is exactly what I went through. Being able to cry is a sign of healing! It is great! 

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Guilietta
3 hours ago, Erell said:

i'm sorry I didn't  answer your later, i'll try To do this evening

 

Whenever I get a message from you I am very happy! I try not to keep you waiting though since you are 6 hours ahead of me. :)

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

My grandma left us this morning. And I really struggle To accept my limitations, not being able To be away from my flat. 

 

Sweet Erell,  I am sorry you lost your grandma. She is now a star in the sky - a guardian angel - watching over you. Please don't treat yourself poorly if you can't get out of your flat.  That being said, as @brassmonkey said - if you can get out of the flat even for a small window - that may be good for your family and for you. You mentioned you donot have anxiet about driving. Maybe I can help walk you through some anxiety you have about leaving your flat?

 

I hve to run. Thinking of you. Sending love.

 

Giulietta

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sunnysideup69
14 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

 

I was unable to weep for so many years due to the ADs and withdrawal and feeling too unsafe to let myself go. Now whenever I find myself crying in therapy or at home I say "I'm crying, yay!" and I really feel that way.

 

Totally @Rhiannon, I'm so relieved when I have a cry. I often feel tearful, but they won't come....Last weekend, I was really stressed about work, and a friend sent me a youtube link to some 'tapping' (emotional freedom technique, don't know if you're familiar....) I did the routine and within about 15 minutes after, I was sobbing. It felt really god and releasing.

 

Good morning @Erell, dropping by to say hello and am sending you big waves of love and support across the channel. To lose your grandmother at any time is really tough, let alone in the midst of withdrawal. You're doing amazingly. Sending my love to you and your family xxxxx

PS I love that you do the 'visualising stability.' I'm gonna copy.

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

How are ou feeling this morning.

 

Sass🤗

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Erell

Hi everybody,

 

I don't find the words To thank you enough for all your kind and supportive words. Just know that I strongly appreciate ❤

 

I know how it can sound silly and hard To understand, but I really struggle with the idea of being 1hour away from my flat.

My mum is a strong woman and she kindly told me To not worry if I Feel like I can't come today, or To the funerals next Tuesday.

Yet I Feel like a failure and cry this morning.

 

Diary Saturday 9 Novembre/ day 46 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am woke up anxious. Cortisol Spike still lower.

7.30am 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

12 anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Same all Afternoon.

Lot of body aches, but bearable.

On the Afternoon, I went outside.

7pm anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

8pm bedtime.

10pm anxiety: 4 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 3.

Lights off at 10.30pm. Felt suddenly very agitated mentally and very anxious.

Managed To fall asleep around 11.30 pm or midnight. 

Woke up anxious this morning at 6.30am. Cortisol Spike was higher than previous days. 

 

 

--》 Yesterday, despite the sadness, was a decent day. 

No big Spike, except before falling asleep.

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Sassenach

Hopefully this morning cortisol spike increase is due to the additional stress and will settle again.

35 minutes ago, Erell said:

Yet I Feel like a failure and cry this morning.

You are not a failure and at least you can cry and grieve.

Your gran is looking down and the best gift for her is to see you getting better.

Stay strong.

 

Sass🤗

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Erell
5 hours ago, Sassenach said:

Hopefully this morning cortisol spike increase is due to the additional stress and will settle again.

You are not a failure and at least you can cry and grieve.

Your gran is looking down and the best gift for her is to see you getting better.

Stay strong.

 

Sass🤗

Days and weeks are hard, and I often Feel like a failure or hopeless. 

But : I don't wanna let pharma industry win this battle. No way. 

So i'll continue To meditate, To try everyday to go outside and to fight to not let despair drawn myself. 

 

It is a hard battle, you know that. I Will never thank you enough for your support ! 

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Rhiannon
21 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

Erell-- I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  It's even harder when something like this happens when one is in a bad wave. 

 

I know that you are in a very bad way at the moment, but if it is at all possible to get out of the house and be with you mother, even for an hour. I think it will do both of you a lot of good.  Down the road the recriminations that you could feel for not having made the effort cold be staggering.  If you truly can't get there, that's understandable, but I hope you can try.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

 

Brass

 

I agree with this. As an old person who missed so many things due to drugs and withdrawal I am an expert on regret. This is one of those lifetime opportunities that will never come again.

 

Stuart Shipko says of people in withdrawal that we can often actually do more than we think we can, and I have found this to be true. 

 

I think our brains are telling us to be self protective because they know they are injured. That is, overall, the right message. But it's okay to fight back against that message from time to time. I have found that it doesn't make me worse. It's hard to do and I sometimes need recovery time afterwards but sometimes it is worth it.

 

If ever there was going to be a time to push yourself and do more than you really believe you can do, this is that time. I don't think you will be sorry that you did.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your grief in not being able to be there for your mother and family. And of course if you can't get out, I understand, I think everyone here truly understands. Hugs to you cher Erell.

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Sassenach

Hey You

 

How have you coped today?

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi !

Today was not easy, symptoms oscillated between 5 and 6. It Feels more chemical induced than due To life events.

I spent a lot of time in my bed,  meditate a bit, and spent 1hour on the seaside To walk.

Usual day in usual WD 🙃

And now i'm cleaning my flat To change the Channel. 

 

Rhiannon : I often read on SA that we can do more that we think, thank you for reminding me. This agoraphobia is really annoying me. I go To the seaside because it is near  To my flat. Since around 2 weeks I add some kilometers every day To prouve To my brain that I can increase the distance, and that I can do more than I think. I force myself To go regularly in shops and To be around people, To remodel my brain.

But be 70kilometers away from my flat terrifies me.

I know I may regret later, but I really Feel like i'm already pushing myself as much as I can for now 😓

 

Thank you for your support. 

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Sassenach

We all have our own way of dealing with these situations.

You are already pushing yourself, my opinion do not overdo it.

Your parents are beginning to understand which is good.

Your anxiety needs to settle again.

38 minutes ago, Erell said:

Feels more chemical induced than due To life events

Probably a bit of both but the trend is still good.

 

Sass

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Erell

😚

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Guilietta

Coucou Erell,

 

Thinking of you and sending hugs to you.

 

I felt a wave of relief (no pun intended!) for you when your Mum said she understood that you were not able to move far from your flat - and thus be able to travel to the funeral. This must be a huge weight / pressure lifted from your shoulders. Now if you decide you want to try to go - you can. But there is no pressure on you.

 

I understand @Rhiannon and @brassmonkey about wishing they didn't have to live with regrets. Like Rhiannon I am a bit older than you - and wish I had done things differently. It is now too late for me to have a family (for instance).

 

If you are able - depending on how you are feeling the day of the funeral - you could try to attend. It would help set yourself up for being able to feel safe outside your flat.  Going with others would I think help you feel safe outside your flat. That being said - it seems like your mother does undesrstand that you are not able to leave your flat now and does not want you to be ill, anxious, etc. :)

 

Talk more later. Wanted to see how you are doing today. Make sure that your needs are being met.

 

Maybe do a pro and con list of why to go or not go to the funeral?

 

Hugs,

Giuliietta

 

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Erell

Good morning.

 

Diary Sunday  10 Novembre/ day 47 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am woke up anxious. Cortisol Spike High.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

Tinnitus. Internal tremors. 

10.30am: anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

Body aches. Feel disconnected. It Will be the same all morning.

3pm went To the seaside for 1 hour.

5pm anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6

8pm bedtime. Tinnitus. Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5

10.30pm: anxiety: 5 / despair: 4 / restlessness: 5.

 

Lights off at 11pm. 

Then : hell ! I started To Feel highly anxious and felt a urge To ****** my brain out of my head. It was the most scary feeling I ever Felt! I really thought I was going crazy for good.

And then terror came back. Awfull terror. I tried To calm down, put the lights on. I finnally fall asleep around 1am.

I woke up anxious this morning at 6.30am. 

 

 

I really don't understand  : I didn't do, eat or drink anything different from usual. Usually, the time before falling asleep is a quiet time for me.

I'm so scared : what if I poop out ? What does this mean ?

I know that nobody can answer, and it terrifies me. 

And this morning it Feels like High anxiety came back.

 

😢

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sunnysideup69
13 minutes ago, Erell said:

I'm so scared : what if I poop out ? What does this mean ?

I know that nobody can answer, and it terrifies me. 

And this morning it Feels like High anxiety came back.

 

😢

 

I'm going to leave the pro answer to the moderators, but an amateur view is that no, you haven't pooped out. You've had BIG emotional stress and some guilt and your nervous system is reacting. I'd be more surprised if it wasn't, to be honest.

Your nervous system, on top of already working hard to level, has taken an emotional hit, and things are not following the normal pattern. Try not to overthink it, it's a temporary abnormality in the pattern.

I've had loads of those abnormalities over this last week since work stress.

Sending a London hug xxxx

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Erell

Thank Sunny for your morning support!

I try To not drown in the loop, its really hard with this hard change. ❤

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sunnysideup69
1 minute ago, Erell said:

Thank Sunny for your morning support!

I try To not drown in the loop, its really hard with this hard change. ❤

You're welcome my lovely, it is hard. Hope you have a good day. It's really disconcerting when new symptoms appear, but they will go again. Everything fluctuates and changes xxxxx

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rola

 

hi erell

you did not fail it's just your body and your brain that react to the events that happen to you try to evacuate your mind even if it's hard and try to ask someone to bring you back for your grandma's burial, even if it will be difficult that would do you good I think I sent you an MP I do not know if you saw it I'm kissing my beautiful and I'm with you

 

salut erell
tu n as pas échoué 
c 'est juste ton corps et ton cerveau qui réagissent aux événements qui t arrive 
essaye d'évacuer ton esprit meme si c est dure 
et essaye de demander à quelqu'un qui te raméne pour l 'enterrement de ta grand mére meme si cela va étre difficile 
cela te ferais du bien je pense 
je t ai envoyé un Mp je sais pas si tu l as vu 
je t embrasse ma belle et je suis de tout coeur avec toi 

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Markolo1980

Don’t be scared @Erell, I experienced same feelings. The do diminish...

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Erell

Markolo, thank you.

I'm so scared  : its  now been almost a month  wave, and I Feel like i'm back To early days with terror.

This is so hard, I thought I had lived the worse.

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Erell

@Sassenach and @Rhiannon :

 

if you stop by here, I would really appreciate your external point of view. 

 

Since almost one month i'm in a wave with 5/6 rate of symptoms. Days after days, it felt like if this wave was very slowly lowering in intensity.  You both told me that I had a lot of good signs, and I agree. 

 

Since Yesterday, I Feel like i'm back To worse days, anxiety has increased and terror came back. Can't even imagine going out of my bed today. 

 

Is it possible that I poop out ?

Was I in a Window without noticing it and now back in a wave ?

Is it just my wave going harder ? What could this mean ?

 

I don't know if you can help me To answer these questions, I'm so scared of going crazy. 

It really doesnt Feel like it is due To life events, it Feels chemical.

I'm scared of my own brain, last night feeling of needing To extract my brain from my head was terrifying. 

Scared of trying To sleep tonight and Feel terror Again. Or becoming crazy for good.

 

I'm sorry To bother you, I'm frightened like a hell with no end. I Feel hopefull.

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