Erell: struggling with paroxetine

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

Happy Friday! 

 

22 hours ago, Erell said:

I think I trust bit more the fact that I Will stabilise one day, but current time is torture and I'm afraid of the unknown duration of the setback.

 

I try to remember what a brave man said about fear - and he was right - but I don't need to give a history lesson as you can  probably find some version of it on wikipedia. I added this to my signature.

 

"...the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, [and] unjustified [fear] ...." - Franklin D. Roosevelt. FDR saw the USA through the Great Depression and collaborated with our allies in the UK, France, Russia and so many other countries to win WW2. It is a legacy of success and human  perseverance  in the face of fear and winning the battle against it.  We will win today.

 

Have you thought of having a 'worry' book? I have a book where the front have are positive thoghts - and the back half - starting from the back - are worries. That way I can write them down and tell my self that they are there for a future date and to forget about them. This can help and then can try to focus on the present.

 

I will write properly later. Want to pop around to visit a few friend - who I have been thinking of. 

 

19 hours ago, Sassenach said:

I know you will not like this suggestion but sometimes you have to play the system.

 

Yup. This is life in a bureaucracy.

 

20 hours ago, Erell said:

Didn't find the courage since Monday To take care of this.

 

Quite fine. May work out for the best as you have had more time to 'plan' on returning to work - and then perhaps the day before the work date - or somethign lik that - you can let 💩 know you aren't ready.  I have been procrastinacing on a new MD too. There is a lot of fear - one doesn't want to lose the MD before finding a better one. I think others are also int he same boat - maybe @sunnysideup69 too?? I can't remember. @mustafa as well.

 

Well - if I have recalled names wrongly - please accept apologies  @mustafa @sunnysideup69

 

Hugs,

Giuiletta

[Erell]

Hi dear @Guilietta !

 

Yes finding a good doctor that believe in WD is hard if not impossible!

Never found one : usually I just use doctors To have my prescriptions, see them as dealers . I never had To postpone work, so they were only happy To prescribe my poison

But as I'm off work since September, i'm going To Bégin To have issues To postpone work longer.

I Will take care of this on Monday, didn't Feel enough strong this week.

 

I Will keep and try To use your idea of a Worry book ! And I have to start Again my méditations and affirmations, didn't manage To do it this week.

 

I also think I could try To write down WD process regularly : this Afternoon I sent an email To my parents in which I tried To explain them WD and the waves and Windows pattern. When I reread it I thought about  Sassenach and Rhiannon  : I wrote them exactly what they told me (that is temporary, that stabilising take time, that I have To be patient because these symptoms are normal..  ),  and while I was writing it I was believing it ! I thought that Sass would laugh at me 😄

Maybe write it down is a way for me To acceptance. 

Or maybe I could write a book in French about WD.

Not To publish it, but as a therapeutic tool

 

 

I hope your day is a bit better, big hugs !

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell

 

38 minutes ago, Erell said:

I thought that Sass would laugh at me 😄

 

I would not dare👿

39 minutes ago, Erell said:

Or maybe I could write a book in French about WD.

Not To publish it, but as a therapeutic tool

 

You could speak to Alto about this.

Good to see you are feeling happier today, so I will repeat.

23 hours ago, Sassenach said:

We have been trying to tell you that this last week was going to be difficult, but you would get back on track again.

I am still gobsmacked that it is happening so quickly.

 

What level of anxiety have you experienced today?

 

Sass

[Erell]

Hi Sass !

 

Yes i've been in a better mood today : everytime that bad thoughts came I tried To repeat myself : "this is only temporary, it is not meant To last ".

 

Had a friend on the Phone and surprised myself laughing 😮😮 😍

 

I've began To write a summary of my "book", it helped To focus on a task and I always loved writing dissertations when I was at school

I don't think I would talk To Alto about it : for now it is just an idea that makes me Feel better. But if it becomes serious and if I really achieve lot of work, I would certainly talk To her !

 

Today, no 7 in anxiety 😍 

Level 6 all day, with 1hour at 5 😍

Lot of agoraphobia : managed To take 2 short walks in the neighborhood. 

I also expérience fear about people  : the idea of seeing friends or family scares me. But : as everything this should also be temporary

 

 

Thank you for your support Sass ❤ I Will never tell you enough !

 

[Sassenach]

May not be around much over weekend so have a good one.

[Erell]

Good weekend dear Sass 🤗

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Friday 15 November/ day 52 on 10mg Paroxetine :

 

6.20am: woke up anxious (6). Quick feeling that i'm going To faint while going To the bathroom.

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair : 5. DR, felt disconnected.

9am : quick cramp in my right knee. 

10am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6. Sadness about how powerfull these poisons are. Take a short walk in the neighborhood. 

12 : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 5.

1pm : Feel very disconnected, cut from the real world. Feel isolated and sad To be lonely, but in the mean time the idea of seeing people frighten me.

3pm To 4pm : spent an hour outside in the neighborhood, anxiety at 5 😍

4.30pm: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

6pm : Feel more connected, I call a friend ( proud of doing it !). 

Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

7pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4. (😍)

8pm : bedtime. Tinnitus. 

9pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

Some doomsday thoughts, but about the world (end of the world, environmental issues...). Try To ignore them.

 

Lights off at 11pm, think I fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up anxious a few times in the night but managed To fall back To sleep.

Woke up anxious this morning at 6.30am. 

 

---》 I have strange sensations in my brain that participate To my anxiety : 

Head in a vise/ a hand knead my brain or pinch it / a hand take my brain and my head backward / Feel my brain "alive", working and a strange urge to remove it from my head (this feeling is particularly hard to describe).

As these symptoms also appear when terror happen, I struggle in accepting them because they make me fear a possible terror.

As it is a fearfull 'what if', I try To ignore them.

 

 

It seems that i'm gradually coming back To my baseline before the deeper wave. 😍

Life is not easy but definitely easier with symptoms decreasing ! 😍

 

Big hugs To all ❤

[Gridley]

6 hours ago, Erell said:

As these symptoms also appear when terror happen, I struggle in accepting them because they make me fear a possible terror.

As it is a fearfull 'what if', I try To ignore them.

 

 

Erell,

 

Dr. Claire Weeks did pioneering work in dealing with anxiety.  What you describe is what she called "secondary fear" or "fear of the fear."  These links of Dr. Weekes might be helpful to you.

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

 

VIDEO:  Peace from Nervous Suffering - Claire Weekes (1 hour) (http://sendvid.com/vgquc1dg)

 

[Erell]

Hi Gridley!

 

I utterly agree with you : in addition to the chemical anxiety, I also suffer from the 'fear of the fear' or more specificly "the fear of the symptoms and what might happen". 

I'm aware that this additionnal fear is not helping.

I try To learn and practice : I read "The power of now ", do relaxation and learn méditation and mindfullness To stay in the now and not in a fearfull future.

I must say that with chemical anxiety it is hard To just sit with your symptoms and accept them without judgements. 

Méditation and mindfullness are a practice that need To be learn, and i'm still learning. 

 

I thought that I had utterly accepted anxiety since my benzo WD...but symptoms were lower and way easier To Cope! 

(I'm talking about my expérience of course,  not making generalities about benzo or AD wd).

 

I thank you for your support and taking the time To put links. (I don't understand Well English on videos, but I try To find tools in French).

 

Wish you a delightful day in Ecuador  🤗

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

I looked at your posts - and it seems like you have some reduction in symptoms. Or at least they are intruding a bit less on your life. I am glad you got out for 2 walks and laughed on the phone with a friend. This is more than I can say about my calls on the phone!

 

7 hours ago, Erell said:

"the fear of the symptoms and what might happen". 

I'm aware that this additionnal fear is not helping.

 

This is a huge issue. We experience emotions / feelings that are reminiscent of a frightening situation in our past and we are afraid the situation will happen again. I am not sure how to handle it myself. Even though I can try to use CBT techniques and adapt my fears to positive thoughts - I still feel like I am kidding myself.   Do you know what I mean by that?

 

I will try to explain better.  Even though I  tried to rationalize why situations I fear aren't likely to happen  - I don't believe the CBT. I still have the fear.  I think the unpleasant (and frightening) situation may happen again. 

 

Living in the moment is hard. I am struggling to learn this. Even if we can 'be in the moment' for 10 minutes (for example)  - how does this help us during the day? @Gridley

 

10 hours ago, Gridley said:

What you describe is what she called "secondary fear" or "fear of the fear."

 

https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/

 

Have a good night and thinking of you,

Hugs,

Giulietta

[India]

Erell. I am willing you on. 

[Erell]

@India and @Guilietta : thank you for your support ❤

India  : I don't understand what "willing on" means, could you explain?

 

Diary Saturday 16 Novembre/ day 53 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

6.30am: woke up anxious. Cortisol Spike seems To be back To the level before deeper wave (5/6).

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

8.30am: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4. Feel like if I have a cold.

9.30am: anxiety: 5 (😍) / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

11.30am : internal and external tremors 

Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4/ despair: 3 😍

I went To the market  : didn't spend time, too much anxiety and dizziness. 

2pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5. Feel depressed and disconnected.

On the afternoon : I forced myself To go To the store To do some food shopping. It has been very hard,  lot of anxiety. 

Lot of tremors. 

5.30pm: anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 4.

8pm : bedtime. Anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 4 / despair: 6. Sad,  depressed, doubts about stabilisation. Strong DR : feel like in a dream, my life doesnt seem To be mine. Tinnitus. 

 

Lights off at 10.30pm. I fall asleep around 11pm. Woke up at 4am : the nneighbor seems To come back in his flat with friends after a party and they make noise. Then slight anxious sleep until 7.30am. 

 

 

--》 Back To a 4/5/6 level. If I had a bit less anxiety and agoraphobia, I even think I could almost live normally! On the good path

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Happy Sunday!

 

Enjoy the day.

 

It looks like improvement since a few days ago and part of the normal cycle of recovery. Look at all the positives/accomplishments:

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Back To a 4/5/6 level. If I had a bit less anxiety and agoraphobia, I even think I could almost live normally! On the good path

 

Big news that you have less of these syptoms.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 4.

 

I also feel this way much of the time lately (i.e., every day)  - am a bit frustrated, but still moving forward, accepting these feelings  and trying to look at them as 'normal' on a temporary basis. I accept that this is my life for a while - and it is OK. 

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

I forced myself To go To the store To do some food shopping. It has been very hard,  lot of anxiety. 

 

This is such a big change from the many days you couldn't step out of your flat - even though this was difficult.  YOu learned you are safe to leave.  Did you do this by yourself?

 

Must run. Thinking of you.

 

What great news to see improvement.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

💓

[Erell]

Hi dear Guilietta!

 

Yes I did this on my own : it is actually easier Alone. I fear the idea of seeing friends or family. Weird for me because I never suffered from social anxiety, but for now this is my new condition. 

 

Well no day looks like the other in WD : since my awful increased symptoms, I Said everyday this week "today was a bit easier than Yesterday". 

Today I can't  : I cry with Spikes of despair, and anxiety doesnt give me relief. Not able To imagine going outsider today.

We really have To learn To deal with frustration!

 

When I read the others threads on SA, it seems that older people deal better with patience and acceptance,  and that people younger like me struggle more with patience.

Don't know if its true. 

 

I Feel exhausted of this constant state of anxiety. I'm glad and grateful for being able To sleep : at least I have some hours of peace!  

Even if I have To admit that even in my dreams i'm a girl in WD...!

I also Feel exhausted To start Again the battle every morning : woke up anxious,  try To push myself To do small things, cry, force myself To eat, waiting for the day To end...

Living in the constant waiting for the day To end is pretty hard, and this is my life since 2nd September. 

 

I also Feel cut from the world, from others. And Feel like i'll never Feel Again a part of this world, or able To Feel close To a friend.

And cut from the old me, sometimes I don't even know who I am or who I used To be. I Feel too traumatised by the dark places i've discovered.

 

It is also a process in which I Feel extremely powerless : sometimes I Feel better, sometimes worse, and I can never relate it To something I would have done or decide. WD has is own logic. 

 

As Rhiannon told me, and I think it is very relevant, Windows and waves are just a métaphore. It doesnt Feel like I live Windows and waves, more ups and downs with variations in intensity. I sometimes Feel jealous of people who expérience Windows, certain that they are Windows because they Feel a lot better. And they seem To be sure that after every wave they Feel better : this certainly sounds lovely.

To me it Feels more like a constant ordeal with oscillations.

 

So last few days I felt like I was gradually coming back To my improved baseline.

Hope it Will continue despite today's difficulties. 

 

My best option is To believe that all this is only temporary, so that is what i'm trying hard To do. 

 

I'm so happy whenever I read others progress : like when sunnysideup wrote that she had a day symptoms free, or Sass telling that he has a busy weekend.

It gives me hope, it is so important that people share good times on SA !

 

This is not a complaining post, I just felt the need To write my feelings To people who won't think i'm crazy.

 

Hugs To all dear survivors ❤

[mustafa]

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Hi dear Guilietta!

 

Yes I did this on my own : it is actually easier Alone. I fear the idea of seeing friends or family. Weird for me because I never suffered from social anxiety, but for now this is my new condition. 

 

Well no day looks like the other in WD : since my awful increased symptoms, I Said everyday this week "today was a bit easier than Yesterday". 

Today I can't  : I cry with Spikes of despair, and anxiety doesnt give me relief. Not able To imagine going outsider today.

We really have To learn To deal with frustration!

 

When I read the others threads on SA, it seems that older people deal better with patience and acceptance,  and that people younger like me struggle more with patience.

Don't know if its true. 

 

I Feel exhausted of this constant state of anxiety. I'm glad and grateful for being able To sleep : at least I have some hours of peace!  

Even if I have To admit that even in my dreams i'm a girl in WD...!

I also Feel exhausted To start Again the battle every morning : woke up anxious,  try To push myself To do small things, cry, force myself To eat, waiting for the day To end...

Living in the constant waiting for the day To end is pretty hard, and this is my life since 2nd September. 

 

I also Feel cut from the world, from others. And Feel like i'll never Feel Again a part of this world, or able To Feel close To a friend.

And cut from the old me, sometimes I don't even know who I am or who I used To be. I Feel too traumatised by the dark places i've discovered.

 

It is also a process in which I Feel extremely powerless : sometimes I Feel better, sometimes worse, and I can never relate it To something I would have done or decide. WD has is own logic. 

 

As Rhiannon told me, and I think it is very relevant, Windows and waves are just a métaphore. It doesnt Feel like I live Windows and waves, more ups and downs with variations in intensity. I sometimes Feel jealous of people who expérience Windows, certain that they are Windows because they Feel a lot better. And they seem To be sure that after every wave they Feel better : this certainly sounds lovely.

To me it Feels more like a constant ordeal with oscillations.

 

So last few days I felt like I was gradually coming back To my improved baseline.

Hope it Will continue despite today's difficulties. 

 

My best option is To believe that all this is only temporary, so that is what i'm trying hard To do. 

 

I'm so happy whenever I read others progress : like when sunnysideup wrote that she had a day symptoms free, or Sass telling that he has a busy weekend.

It gives me hope, it is so important that people share good times on SA !

 

This is not a complaining post, I just felt the need To write my feelings To people who won't think i'm crazy.

 

Hugs To all dear survivors ❤

Hi erell, 

When I moved to my new flat and till now I had a problem with internet connection, I needed to be with all of you alot of time, iam with you now and happy♥️.

you are very right, describing the problem of patience, time is  my biggest suffer, I hoped to have all my suffer collected in few days than months.

I read your last diary and was very happy you had less despair and anxiety, that's great😍. 

Being jealous is part of being a human, we are jealous because we want to be effective and want to love life, this is our desire all. We all need that day in which these action are memories,I hope it comes soon.

@Guilietta, the majority of psychiatrists are having these toxic antidepressants and for years, do we want them to believe they are addicting a drug?, I think they will deny this fact severely not because they have gains from drug companies but for themselves, they will face anyone who tells them, you are addicting a drug. The biggest problem about psychiatrists is that they should be the most ones who feel about us but as a result of having ADs, their feelings are killed. I don't know why I still talking about psychiatrists but they harm us without any responsibility for anything, they, very easily, describe poisons despite that they have too many complaints, why then they continue prescribing these ADs?, this is why I hate them.

We are all greatful to the plasticity of our brains it is healing♥️.

Sorry @Erell for saying words may be negative into your thread, excuse me.

Hugs to all of you ❤️

 

[Giulietta]

Coucou Erell,

 

Going out alone is one big step - and steps up to a km (and mile!). And 1 km to more....and to your parents' home. I think going alone takes more 'courage'.

 

Why does the possibility of encountering friends or family cause you fear?  If I think of my situation - I didn't care if they thought I wasn't feeling OK. And if they asked me if I was OK - I told them not feeling too well at the moment - out for a very quick errand - and  then need to get home to rest. I would honestly have anxiety about this - but told myself I had to get over it.

 

Although I don't seek out social situations very much - I wouldn't call myself in general fearful.

 

I'm really proud of you.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Yes I did this on my own : it is actually easier Alone. I fear the idea of seeing friends or family

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

When I read the others threads on SA, it seems that older people deal better with patience and acceptance,  and that people younger like me struggle more with patience.

Don't know if its true. 

 

I wouldn't say that htis is true. I think it depends on the day - at least for me - and I have heard others who are nearer my age than yoursu - say how frsutrated and tired they are of this  whole situation. Every day there is somethign - with some days more uncomfortable or incapacitating than others. I put myself in this category.

 

During acute phase of WD - it was exhausting. I looked forward to bedtime (and very often I do) for the sames reaxsons you cite: anxiety, feeling despair/down, feeling so tired i can't keep my eyes open (and it is 8 pm) - and tired of it all and need to escape for hours of peace.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

more ups and downs with variations in intensity.

 

Agree! And variations in duration between the ups and downs.

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

constant ordeal with oscillations.

 

I am laughing outloud wtih the description. WD is truly an ordeal.  😂

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

Feel jealous of people who expérience Windows, certain that they are Windows because they Feel a lot better.

 

This is normal when you are knowing so much suffering - day in and day out - and that it seems you don't get much of a break from it. At the same time - I know that on this journey of WD - I look at the people who are doing well - much better than me - and better than you - went through purgatory and a number of times. I am happy for them when they have 'windows' and taht it lasts a long time!  

 

5 hours ago, Erell said:

So last few days I felt like I was gradually coming back To my improved baseline.

Hope it Will continue despite today's difficulties. 

 

I can tell by the tone of your messages that you are feeling much more positive and I think much better. 

 

We are powerless in that chemicals in our brain and in our body are making changes to become normal again - and that it is affecting our emotional well-being and giving us symptoms. We may be powerless sometmes because these symptoms affect our ability to function. So - when we make plans - we might have to change them - and at the last minute.  And my friends understand.   

 

We do have power in how we can cope with some of these symptoms (to a  certain extent).  I think we also have the power to accept this ordeal and its oscillations - and to tell people who care about us - so we are not alone.

 

Be really proud of yourself for muscling through this.

 

Well I am a bit of a blabber mouth today.

 

Hugs,

Giuilietta

 

p.s. I did not think  you were complaining.

 

 

 

[Giulietta]

Hello @mustafa

 

(and sorry @Erell - don't mean to hijack your thread - just replying to mustafa)

 

When you look at a cross-section of practicing MDs - a small fraction of them are any good. I am talking about all MDs - not just psych(opaths) - some of them don't realize how damaging the drugs they are prescribing truly are.

 

I wonder if prescribers of these drugs have a) taken them or would consider taking them b) prescribed them to a family member or friend c) would recommend or not recommend someone they cared about

 

Well - this is enoughof this on dear @Erell's page. 

 

Giuilieltta

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

@Guilietta : "why does the possibility of encountering friends or family cause you fear ?" : hard question

Everytime I see friends or family I Feel cut from them and from their reality,  and it reminds me how disconnected I am. Being with them doesnt reassure me as I know they can't do anything with neuroemotions. So being Alone is easier : I don't face their jugements or their fears. 

Hugs To you ❤

 

Diary Sunday 17 November/ day 54 on 10mg Paroxetine. 

 

7.30am : 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule 

9am : anxiety : 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6.

9.30am: cry, despair. Feel exhausted of this constant neurofear, need a break.

11am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6. Cry. 

12.30 : Cry.  Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6.

1.30pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5 (😍😥).

2.30pm: anxiety back To 6.

3pm : short walk in the neighborhood. 

4pm : Cry. Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

6pm : Cry. 

7pm : anxiety: 5 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5 (😥)

8pm : bedtime. Cry.  Doomsday thinking. Anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 6.

10pm : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 5 / despair: 5.

 

I think I fall asleep around 11.30pm. Woke up anxious this morning at 5.30am.

 

--》 Yesterday was rough: a lot of anxiety and crying. Waited all day for the day To end. Evening was not easier. 

On SA, it seems that a lot of people stabilised around 3-4months. I cope by hoping than at 3 months, in one month, I Will may not be stabilised but at least a lot better. Even if I know there is not timeframe, it helps To Cope. 

 

Here is where I am : until 17th Octobre, I was in waves and Windows pattern, with hard waves and Windows with 3/4 level.

Since 17th Octobre, back in a long wave with a baseline slowly improving.

On 10th November I started a deeper wave with levels from early days. This last week,  this deeper wave was gradually improving everyday and I was coming back To my previous baseline, and was happy about it ! 😍

Yesterday contradicts this trend, I try To not overanalyse why. 

 

It seems that my body struggle To find back my previous baseline. I dream about an anxiety lower. 

Well, as Sass once told me, "the only pattern is there is no pattern"

 

Wish you all a delightful day ❤

[sunnysideup69]

Good morning! I'm glad my thread is giving you hope. Yes, I feel like I am kind of stabilising, and hoping the waves decrease in intensity now. It's been such a long time coming. Got my fingers crossed for me and us all...

Hope you get some fresh air today, and some relief from symptoms. Sending love and hugs xxx

[Erell]

I just come back from an appointment with my (t word) doctor.

Honestly I don't know how I made it with this anxiety ! I'm such a mess since Yesterday, didn't have To play in his office !

He prescibed me off work until 1st December ( he doesnt want To do prescriptions for more than 15 days).

He also prescribed me mianserin and Prazepam, because Paroxetine "isnt enough to cure my deep illness".

Im not strong enough To argue with him, so I  just took the paper. Hopefully when i'll Feel stronger and stabilised I Will be able To contradict him. 

 

Back To my flat,  I pulled To pieces the prescription and throw it in the Bin  : I hhave To admit that with my constant fear and restlessness I am sometimes very attempted to take a benzo, so I have To make sure I wont have any access To it.

 

Well it seems that today is taking the same trend that Yesterday  : hard To believe I had only level 3 of despair last Saturday and that I've been able To make some food shopping. What a rollercoaster! My baseline is playing with me.

New mantra : 2019 sucks, but 2020 Will be time of rebirth ! 😍

 

 

(As usual, i'm sorry for posting a lot, SA is my only safe place in my life for now, need To tell somebody about my journey).

 

[Vegalia]

Coucou Erell, 

 

Tu as très bien agi chez le médecin et avec ton ordonnance.

Moi : pas mangé, pas lavée et je dois être chez le kiné dans une heure...

 

Objectif : prendre exemple sur Erell, si courageuse !

 

Je suis là pour discuter si tu as besoin. Enfin après 14 h, car là faut que je me bouge.

 

Bisous et pensées

 

Véga.

 

(Erell cuckoo,   You acted very well at the doctor and with your prescription. Me: not eaten, not washed and I must be at the physio in an hour ...   Objective: to take example on Erell, so brave!   I am here to discuss if you need. Finally after 2pm, because I have to move.   Kisses and thoughts   Vega.)

[mustafa]

2 hours ago, Erell said:

Prazepam

I googled this drug to find data about it, it is a benzo drug as I found so the best thing was to through this paper in the bin as you did.

Your baseline doesn't play with you( as I think), everything is normal so don't worry about your over analyze, but don't over analyze 😂.

Have a good day, dear.

 

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

Just a quick note after my pm -

 

So you have your work postponed again - good. And you took control by being calm, cool and collected in the office and also not filling the RX.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

I hhave To admit that with my constant fear and restlessness I am sometimes very attempted to take a benzo, so I have To make sure I wont have any access To it.

 

I have experienced this too - I / you are so uncomfortable - that you are tempted to take a tiny dose to feel a bit better. I have a few on hand and I haven't taken any (3) since Feb 2019.

 

Good girl for tossing the script.

 

3 hours ago, Erell said:

New mantra : 2019 sucks, but 2020 Will be time of rebirth ! 😍

 

We will be a phoenix....that is a good name I think.....

 

Hugs,

giuilietta

[Erell]

Dear Vega, Mustafa and Guilietta 

 

Thank you for your sweet words! ❤

 

I don't know if i'll go To see him Again: his point of view is that if i'm not better in 2 weeks I should get hospitalised because "I have a strong illness". 

And I utterly refuse this  : I know that if I go To an hospital doctors would put me on more meds. No way I would let this happen !

 

My deep hope is To Feel better and To be able To go back To work on start January. 

If I have To find another doctor until then, Well then I'll just find one!

I would love To go back To work, I think it only requires a 4 level of intensity in symptoms for feeling myself able To.

Hopefully I'll reach this level next month! 😍

 

I have worked a lot last month, pushing myself To go To the seaside,  To go in shops, driving a bit more far ...And finally reached a 5 level, even 4/5 sometimes! Since last week I have To restart everything : trying To drive, trying To walk in my neighborhood,...

1 step forward, 1 stepback.

 

 

Finding distraction is very hard : when I read the success stories of those who has CT and suffer for months and years, I often wonder : how do they do ?! 

I mean, I can imagine To live with lower symptoms, but how do they keep strong during the day with this constant suffering ?

I really admire them and Feel like I'm not strong enough, fighting for staying alive.

 

As Sass told me, I have To believe that I Will stabilise and Feel a lot better, and most of time I do. But how To keep strong until then ? 

There are a lot of tips,  I practice them, but I don't Feel like they are helping.

 

Let's hope for better days ❤

 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Erell.

1 hour ago, Erell said:

1 step forward, 1 stepback.

Definitely wrong, three steps forward, two steps back  more accurate.

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

But how To keep strong until then ? 

You are already being strong, only you cannot see it as ever.😎

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

There are a lot of tips,  I practice them, but I don't Feel like they are helping.

They are helping.

It is only a couple of days since I checked in but I can see an improvement in your posts even if it is not reflected in your scores.

Very well done with the doctor.

A saying in UK " If you cannot beat them, join them " ie play them at their own game.

How is your writing coming along?

You will become sociable again, DP/DR will disappear and it may take you a couple of days to notice, we notice them arrive immediately but not when they depart.

 

Sass

[Erell]

Oh Sass!

I Feel like a complaining child! Today symptoms were at 6 all day and I've been fighting all day long To not listen To despair. Restlessness was hard, feeling the need To escape from my body and my head.

 

I'm not writing since Saturday, because of restlessness and anxiety I don't manage To focus. I found 2 puzzles, I Will try them To see if it helps To distract. 

 

I'm being as strong as I can, but as weeks pass I Feel like I loose my strenght. I have no choice but To keep going, so I tell myself stories.

 

At least you don't seem To think that I should worry about the fact that I don't come back To my 5 baseline but more To a 6 one, that is helping, thank you.

 

Hope you had a good weekend ❤

 

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

17 minutes ago, Erell said:

To my 5 baseline but more To a 6 one, that is helping, thank you.

Not worried because I know you will get there, so chin up.

[Vegalia]

Erell,

 

Je ne peux savoir ce que tu traverses car, nous n'avons pas nécessairement les mêmes symptômes et quand bien même, chacun vit les choses différemment.

Quand je te lis cependant, beaucoup de tes peurs ressemblent aux miennes. 

 

Moi aussi je me sens comme une enfant qui se plaint... à bientôt 42 ans !

Moi qui jamais ne me plaignais : c'est ce que mes proches, ma famille me disent : quand j'ai des soucis rien ne se voit, je n'en parle pas et je souris même. Là j'ai l'impression de me plaindre pour toute ma vie quand je l'ai pas fait en traversant les épreuves... 

 

Et bien ma fois c'est comme ça, un jour nous seront plus sages car mieux : beaucoup de bienveillance  et d'empathie ici ça aide.

Jamais un reproche du personnel de trop écrire alors qu'ils pourraient avec tout le temps qu'ils passent pour nous. C'est admirable et pas le cas partout.

 

On garde espoir.

 

Bisous.

 

(Erell,   I can not know what you are going through because we do not necessarily have the same symptoms and even though everyone lives things differently. When I read you, however, many of your fears are similar to mine.   Me too I feel like a child who complains ... soon 42 years! I who never complained: this is what my family, my family tell me: when I have trouble nothing is visible, I do not speak and I even smile. There I have the feeling to complain for all my life when I did not do it through the tests ...   Well my time is like that, one day we will be wiser because better: a lot of kindness and empathy here it helps. Never reproach the staff for writing too much so that they could with all the time they spend for us. It is admirable and not the case everywhere.   We keep hope. )

[Erell]

Merci Vega  ❤

Yes we are Lucky To have SA and such kind mods!

 

I'm going To bed To hide under my blanket : just told To work that I wont come To work before 30 November, and that I may not be able To come in December...Well they seem To start getting impatient and annoyed...Oh how strongly I would love To be able To go To work ! I pray for a 4 baseline soon To get  back there And not be fired.

 

Well, let's hope for better days !

 

Good night 😚

 

 

[Vegalia]

Good night Erell

 

🌛

[Erell]

Good morning. 

 

Diary Monday 18 Novembre/ day 55 on 10mg Paroxetine 

 

5.30am: woke up anxious. Strong gut pain. 

7.30am: 10mg Paroxetine + 1 fish oil capsule. 

9am : anxiety: 6 / restlessness: 6 / despair: 6.

It Will be the same all day. Cry Spells. 

Took 2 walks in the neighborhood.

7.30pm : bedtime. 

Slight headache on evening.

 

I think I managed To fall asleep around midnight. Slight sleep : woke up several times during the night.

Woke up anxious this morning at 7am, with strong restlessness in arms and legs.

Sadness this morning, tired of this everyday struggle, suicidal thoughts.

[Giulietta]

Hello Erell,

 

How did the puzzle go? Did yo work on it at all?

 

Maybe you can take a nap today?

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

strong restlessness in arms and legs.

 

This is really unpleasnt - I forget if I asked you if any exercises relieve this?

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

Sadness this morning, tired of this everyday struggle, suicidal thoughts.

 

This is an everyday tiring part of life - but it is temporary. Please remind yourself that it is temporary. All of us on this site went through it - and many currently are.   I don't now if it would make sense to talk with anyone in acute phase? @Sassenach what do you think? I have no idea and want to see Erell 'cope' a bit better with her acute symptoms.

 

Sometimes it helps to 'worry' about someone else?

 

4 hours ago, Erell said:

suicidal thoughts

 

Please chase these away .... 😕

 

Hugs, 🤗

Your friend,

Giuilieta

 

[Erell]

@Guilietta,

 

You are such a lovely friend ❤

 

But as Sass already told, the only key is patience and acceptance. 

I already keep my dose steady, try To distract as much as I can, take magnésium and fish oil, force myself To take walk, and practice mindfullness. 

 

So I don't think there is much more that can be done.

As Rhiannon said, i'm still in early days of this process of stabilisation, and I have To wait.

 

Its just that, as you unfortunately already know, this is the hardest and most brutal thing I've ever had To do in my life.

I know I don't wanna die, I know I wanna see better days.

Its just that sometimes feelings are so strong and hard To bear, and then I wonder how the others do To make sure they Will stay safe until next day. 

 

I don't wanna live in others place, presence of others stresses me too much and I Feel like it increases my restlessness. And I don't wanna be hospitalised as doctors would probably add drugs.

So I have To stay in my flat and make sure I stay safe : thats what i'm doing the best I can. 🤗

Sometimes its hard as all my life turns around WD for now (constant hard feelings) but I try To stay strong To be able one day To visit my parents.

 

I don't take Nap : naps are 'toxic' as they increase my anxiety level. And everytime I Feel like my anxiety allow me To, I try To not spend time in my bed.

 

I didn't start the puzzle for now, Will let you know if its a good distraction 

 

I haven't found exercices that help me with restlessness  : when it is too hard I walk or I cry,  it helps a bit.

 

It is temporary: I repeat this To myself all day 😉 

I have a strange symptom, related To restlessness : it is a urge To not see tomorrow, a urge To escape from my skin and my head, a urge To escape but I don't know where...very hard To describe. This symptom often make me forget that WD is temporary ad it urges me To end things now , so I have To fight To remind this. 

 

 

You're an angel Guilietta, as are all those who support me here ❤

I love visualising myself feeling better and strong enough To spend time here To support and give comfort To others on SA, hope i'll be able soon.

[Vegalia]

Hi,

 

You are a lesson of courage Erell.

 

I understand sometimes it is better to be alone.

Id'like to sometimes...for the same reason of you.

I know in 2 hours I have to force me to be "normal", make conversation, to Cook dîner... : I don't want today. Some days  it is good but other days it is too hard and makes anxiety and you have to push yourself to much. But...I dont want to go in hospital, So...

 

" A double tranchant" comme on dit.

 

All my support. ❤️

 

Vega.

[sunnysideup69]

Hi Erell, been catching up on your thread today.

 

Ugh, sorry you're going through a tough wave. It's all so up and down and that makes it really exhausting.But keep on hanging in there, you are doing so well, even if you can't see it.Sounds like you handled the turd-doc extremely well, so well done.

 

Is it freezing cold where you are? I'm snuggled up under a blanket today. Had four days off, gonna be back to work for three days tomorrow. 

 

This is about my 8th day of feeling WD normal ie okay, with some slight wobbles and some actually happy spells. I think stabilisation is happening, I'm hopeful. I've had a year and a half of being all over the place and so it would be very welcome. I'm not telling you this to crow about me me me, but hopefully to show you that, however long you wobble, stabilisation will happen.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it will take you this long...it will happen eventually. It's ineviatble. I know it's hard to hang onto that, but it's the truth.

It's awful when you have suicidal thoughts, really scary, I know. Just try to remember that's NOT YOU. It's your wobbling brain/ nervous system, it's like a programme on a computer malfunctioning. Do you ever call 'help lines?' EG here in the UK we have The Samaritans, a free phone line you can talk to when feeling anxious/depressed/suicidal. It can really help to talk it through with a voice on the other end of a line.

 

Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxx

 

[Giulietta]

Hi sweetie,

 

One day you will be a moderator! You ar elearning so much from Sass and Rhi - they are awesome. And I also benefit from their wisdom since I check your threads (or much of them!) daily if I  can.

 

I try not to nap, too. I don't want it to interrupt my sleep cycle and am usually a bit wound up. do you remember 'tops' we'd wind them up and let them spin and watch them stop. They eventually stopped spinning. Sometimes I feel likek that. 😂

 

Distraction, acceptance that this this is temporary and early days. I hope you have fun with the puzzle. I hope it is not too cmplicated - not too many pieces. I  tend to like to the ones that re recommend from ages 4 - 12. Then I can work up.

 

Right you are about staying out of the hospital. I avoid them (and MDs) for sure after this ordeal. It is tiring.

 

If it is any consolation -  yesterdayafternoon I had a nice window - and this morning a wave starting at 10. Trouble to think straight, recall words, some dizziness, etc. So I'm bound to a chair.  Grrr...

 

I really likek coloring as a distraction. I didn't think it I would but someone got me an adult coloring book and pencils. . Even ifyou get a coloring book at waht we call a 'drug store ' here - they are very very basic - you canmake them more interesting by shading colors, etc.  There are adult coloring books which are fun and take much longer. I can send you a link if yo uwant to buy anything online. OH, you can pprint pages for free! I think on amazon.com you can buy somepencils fairly inexpensively. And knitting. I learned to knit watching youtube videos

 

One more thougt - my memory also doesn't work so great a lot of the time so I may repeat myself. Hope you can look past that. This is why Rhi's and Sass's comments are so helpful to me too!

 

Well sweetie,

That's all for now.

Hugs,

giuilietta

 

have fun with the puzzle