sunnysideup69: what can I do to stabilise on venlafaxine

[sunnysideup69]

Quick note - went for a run for the first time in months yesterday. Well, more of a jog, really. Didn't jog all 5k, managed to jog about 3k and walked the rest, REALLY noticed my legs have had a break from running.

Was very wakeful in the night last night (didn't run close to bedtime) ...so will keep an eye on what happens to symptoms as I reintroduce jogging, will go back to walking if necessary.

Might be unrelated...also had a very odd night's sleep on Tuesday, which I think is grief-related, so, we'll see.

[Cigale]

Oh sweet @sunnysideup69 - I do hope your little run treats you well. It would be so sweet to see you bring that back into your life.  Hugs! 

[sunnysideup69]

14 hours ago, Cigale said:

Oh sweet @sunnysideup69 - I do hope your little run treats you well. It would be so sweet to see you bring that back into your life.  Hugs! 

Thanks hun, I would also love it.

 

Yesterday, felt totally exhausted. I literally crawled back into bed around 5pm in pajamas, and began watching YouTube clips....fell asleep and woke at 11pm, got up, switched everything in the house off and went back to bed. Am now up at 5 am.

 

The run definitely affected me, but I've had an up and down week anyway...grief and also some nerves about going back to work next week. Little wave going on.

 

Wondering if I should wait to resume the running, until I get back into work properly....might be a good plan 😉 Perhaps build everything up gradually again.

Anyway, going to do a month's round up. August has been okay, with blips.

[sunnysideup69]

Well, it's been a bit of a choppy week. Monday was feeling down, then recovered. Went for a run on Thursday, Friday was very shaky and exhausted all day and yesterday, mood low. Might stick to walking for a while...wondering whether jogging was just too much and has caused a blip.

Have been up since 3am this morning with a tooth ache and blocked ear...very annoying. Think it's the gum between two teeth playing up, it flares up from time to time. The past week hasn't been great for sleep and my mood has definitely been wonky.

Managed to go and visit a friend yesterday, though, despite low mood, which was really nice and lifted my spirits.Evening was better.

Hope you're all doing okay out there  

Currently, I'm noting that about 2 thirds of my month is okay or better than okay. There's about a third where I'm worse, not severe symptoms, I'd say moderate.

I'm hoping I can stabilise to a state where 2 thirds of my month is good and a third is mild symptoms...once I've hit that point and been there for a while, I'll feel ready to taper.

I'm editing this comment to say that I think I have some anxiety bubbling up about going back to work after nearly six months away and after a bereavement. Will I cope etc. etc. Noting those thoughts and accepting them as natural. It's normal to feel a bit apprehensive, I guess. I'm actually only in for one day next week, the following week will be in for full three days. Ugh! Any wishes of good luck are most welcome. 

[mstimc]

Hi Sunny.

Its perfectly natural to have some pre-remployment anxiety, especially under these conditions.  I've found we're a lot better dealing with the reality of a situation than we are with its anticipation.  Anticipatory anxiety is a grunt because you keep turning all of the possibilities in your head.  I think once you go back you'll feel your anxiety decrease.  Positive thoughts going out to you! 

[sunnysideup69]

19 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Hi Sunny.

Its perfectly natural to have some pre-remployment anxiety, especially under these conditions.  I've found we're a lot better dealing with the reality of a situation than we are with its anticipation.  Anticipatory anxiety is a grunt because you keep turning all of the possibilities in your head.  I think once you go back you'll feel your anxiety decrease.  Positive thoughts going out to you! 

 

Thanks so much....you're right, it's the anticipation that's the worst. Kind of looking forward to seeing people again. It's gonna be weird after all this time, too.

[mstimc]

Yes, as a retiree I sometimes miss the social interaction, especially since I'm 6,000 miles away.  But I stay in touch with the friends I made at work and I certainly don't miss the stress!😁

[sunnysideup69]

1 hour ago, brassmonkey said:

It sounds like both of your are making some very good progress both WD wise and personally. For many ADWD can be used as a time for personal assessment and growth. The WD process makes us question almost every aspect of our lives and belief system. It is hard to go through, a trial by fire at times, but so worth it. Many of us started these drugs because something was wrong in our lives that was causing us problems. Those things are now in the past and they should remain there.  Our thought processes and beliefs that lead to those situations are in the process of being burn away by the changes the drugs have made and the ADWD process. It is the perfect time to rebuild in the image that we want, not the image we are told we want.

 

I found making the break from society dictated measures of achievement to my personal definition of contentment to be very important. What my friends and neighbors have and do is interesting to watch, but it is what makes me content in my life that  really matters. My wife and I have a nice house, not the biggest or best, but we are quite happy with it and do little things to make it more our own. Living in Los Angeles there is no way to win at that game. Snoop Dog has a place about a mile from here worth five or six times what ours is.  Bill Gates is just across town, no way we could compete there. But it doesn't matter, we love where we are and it makes us happy.

 

I have a friend who is a Doctors receptionist (low pay, part time) who will spend $500 for a designer handbag with out a thought, only to have to buy a different one next month because this one is out of style. We see it all the time here with cloths, cars, cell phones, you name it. It never makes the people happy, only more and more frustrated. Identifying the things that make one content and building on them is what is important. I have a nice house, a good car, I can travel when conditions allow and food on the table. I don't care that my neighbor just bought a ????, I'm happy for them but it really doesn't matter to me.

 

Contentment is part of the concept of "Living Without a Goal". From birth we are programmed to achieve. "The one who dies with the most toys wins". "You're nobody, unless you're the best". "Why are you sitting around when you could be out achieving/earning"? Those are false, unobtainable goals that can never be reached and lead to a life of frustration, anxiety and depression. It is much better to discover what makes one content and strive for a and maintain that level on a physical and spiritual level.

 

All this is very much a art of ADWD.  The healing process involves relegating the past to the past, and making reasonable plans for the future but not worrying about it. More importantly it is about learning to be content with who we are and where we are and making the changes required to get us to that point.

 

xxx

[sunnysideup69]

Quick note, survived the first week back at work. In fact, enjoyed it, also.

Am totally knackered and offline today, will check in with you all tomorrow.

😘

[Erell]

2 hours ago, sunnysideup69 said:

Quick note, survived the first week back at work. In fact, enjoyed it, also.

Am totally knackered and offline today, will check in with you all tomorrow.

😘

Yay ! So glad  ! Enjoy the rest during the week end ❤

[Sonia009]

Well done Sunnysideup! sending best wishes for a good weekend.

[Cigale]

That’s great news @sunnysideup69! Hope you have a restful weekend!

[Hanna72]

On 9/4/2020 at 4:47 AM, sunnysideup69 said:

Quick note, survived the first week back at work. In fact, enjoyed it, also.

Wow great job, so happy for you. 
Just love reading these kinds of posts.
Sending you my best wishes 🙏

[sunnysideup69]

@Erell @Sonia001 @Cigale @Hanna72

 

Thank you all very much ❤️ Not gonna deny, I'm pretty exhausted. Two days of staff training and one full day of kids being back, with new Covid measures in place...so, there's a lot to get my head around. I think kids' mental health is the priority this half term, to be honest...it's been a weird time for them and it will probably take a while to register whether any of them are traumatised by any events in the last few months.

 

I'm absolutely pooped. Have been in bed by 9pm most nights, even over the weekend. Am going to do that for as long as necessary, until my nervous system gets back into the swing of working again.

 

Still, I managed a little trip to the seaside yesterday, went to Brighton. Was outside all day, got a bit of sunshine, got rained on, walked 10k. Really helped me to relax. I work three days, Tuesday to Thursday, which doesn't sound much, but I tend to get to school around 730 am and often don't leave until 5pm, so I work hard when I'm there. My choice. I stay so that I don't have to take any work home with me.

 

Today, I'm happy and contented. Wanted to note that. Gonna see how you're all doing, now.

[Longroadhome]

Great post @sunnysideup69

so glad your healing is almost there 

keep going 

take care x

[sunnysideup69]

Oh and also want to add, after ten months of eczema and blistery type spots that just don't go away, my face is finally beginning to clear up. Nearly clear now, just the odd blemish and a bit of scarring, which is fading. Seems that it was indeed the Citalopram cessation, as it started bang on three months after stopping. NEVER have I had bad skin before. Definitely antidepressant WD related.

Interesting to note that, as I have gradually become calmer, my skin has gotten better.

Not as clear as 'usual,' but 90 percent better than it was in January.

I'm so glad, it's bad enough feeling wonky, let alone having to deal with skin stuff- and of course, it was ALL on my face, nowhere else  

[Dejavu]

I'm so glad to read you're feeling well, albeit exhausted. I think anyone would be at this point. Those are long hours! It's good you don't do that every day. Balance and self-care is very important. I have learned the hard way that "CNS stability" does not necessarily mean that your system has yet returned to it's normally hearty condition. Gentle treatment is still required. Looks like you've got that bit down. I hope you decide to take a nice long break before tapering. I know I will.

 

Your strength, attitude and courage are an inspiration. And your advice to me has been very helpful. I'm so grateful.

 

Paula

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Dejavu, thank you so much. Likewise, you're an inspiration! 

Absolutely will be taking a long pause before tapering. Am going to be staying at this dosage for a good few months. My system still gets tired very easily. I'm in no rush to taper, as I really need to rest for a while and get used to being back at work and putting all my new coping strategies into place...one of which is asserting myself with people.

 

Have already had practice with saying, no, I can't do that.....😉 Gonna pop over to your thread today.

[sunnysideup69]

Second week back at work. Still feeling ok mentally, but am flat out exhausted. Spent a lot of yesterday in bed, resting. However, not gonna pathologise this.....end of second week back is usually like this. All my colleagues are also exhausted, so am not doing too badly.                                                               Am feeling more insular this weekend as it would have been my brother's birthday tomorrow. Normal grief and grieving. Taking myself out for lunch today and just pottering around the garden.

[MissyE]

Checking in and so chuffed to read you're doing well.  Love the @brassmonkey quote too.  Totally resonates.  Sending you hugs my love.  You got this! Missy xxx

[sunnysideup69]

Thank you @MissyE xxx

[sunnysideup69]

Currently in a bit of a wave.

Going back to work has shown me how fragile my nervous system still is...have been really obsessing over small stuff since Friday. Had to stand up for myself right at the beginning of term, which I did, but really didn't need that stress.

I know I'm blowing certain things out of proportion, too, so just doing my best to ride the wave and remind myself that this too shall pass.

Noticing that, even though I officially left work on Thursday evening, it's Sunday morning and I'm still there, in my head, replaying conversations, worrying about events that haven't happened. Seems to ease up in the late afternoon and evening. 

Last Monday would have been my brother's birthday, next Monday would have been my sister's, so I'm dealing with that, too.

God! I get so frustrated with my brain being like this. Can't blame it all on WD either, as I've always had a tendency towards rumination....which is why I took recreational drugs, to switch off. And then, antidepressants.

A friend is coming over this afternoon, hopefully that will be a welcome distraction.

Hope you're doing well, out there xxx

[mstimc]

Sunny. I did this at work, too.  Any little error became the mistake that would get me fired.  My shrink said its a form.of reverse narcissism,  where you think everyone notices your mistakes and thinks you're a  terrible employee or person.  Its an easy trap to fall into but try to remind yourself it really is just your runaway thoughts and nothing more.

[Hanna72]

@sunnysideup69

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself at work. We need to be our own best friend. 
What life has thrown at you, and for you to still stand tall, is a sign of remarkable strength that you have with in you. 
Don’t beat yourself up, ignore those thoughts. 
Enjoy your friends visit

You’ve  got this💖

 

[sunnysideup69]

@mstimc and @Hanna72, thank you xx feeling much better after friend visit. Had a good bitching session...also, I'm just feeling worse in the mornings at the moment and half of it is because I succumbed to bad diet for a while there...

[Sonia009]

Hi Sunnysideup ,

I had a terrible night last night crazy dreams, I dreamt my work was piling up in the office , I had curriculum to set up, enrolment forms coming out of my ears, I couldn't find my computer, my office or my car. I woke up in a right tizzy and realised I'm retired so why am I worrying about work?? I

Anyhow, good for you for standing up for yourself at work, it's not an easy thing to do. I'm sure you'll settle back into your routine again. Take care.

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Sonia001, yes, I'm still in the throes of crazy dreams. I think my brain is trying to cope with going back to school....my sleep is a bit discombobulated because I'm trying to process what goes on every day. Hopefully it will get easier...things will improve......

[sunnysideup69]

Yep, definitely experiencing a wave at the moment. Mornings are rough. It's a 'going back to work after 5 months away' wave, for sure, plus some indulgent eating.

 

Same old symptoms, just a bit more intense. Blowing things out of proportion. I'm tired and my sleep is slightly wonky.

 

One thing amongst this wave is a blessing; I can clearly see how my head works against me; I ruminate, I blow things out of proportion, I take things too personally. They are definitely heightened in WD and also exacerbated by antidepressants generally, I believe. These things, I need to work on.

 

 

[Cigale]

On 9/21/2020 at 1:44 PM, sunnysideup69 said:

One thing amongst this wave is a blessing; I can clearly see how my head works against me

 

Just stopping by to say hello @sunnysideup69! I am sorry that your return to work has been challenging. But it does sound like you are approaching your wave with grace and wisdom, learning and growing from it. Thank you for once again sharing your wisdom.

 

I hope you have a sunny, restful weekend. Hugs, Cigale

[sunnysideup69]

Wave was very short lived, about 4 days. Also, was mild. I'm healing well. I'm adapting to being back at work and I'm also standing up for myself now that I have some energy back...

I'm often in a good mood. I'm definitely out of the dark days of awful dysregulation, thank god.

Wow. Things have really changed compared to a year ago...and the best healing (apart from this place) has been TIME and MAKING NO CHANGES. 

For now, am continuing to hold and hoping my sleep will even out a little more. Hoping to begin a taper by Spring 2021. Just gonna hang here in the meantime....and keep up with you lovely lot.

[Malbec37]

Wow @sunnysideup69 that’s great news! Yes time and holding can certainly bring very positive results!

 

So happy you’re doing so well and feeling strong x 

[Erell]

On 9/25/2020 at 8:43 PM, sunnysideup69 said:

I'm often in a good mood. I'm definitely out of the dark days of awful dysregulation, thank god.

 

Wow, what a nice report ! I'm so happy to read that things are easier, and that you feel stronger  

 

Also, thank you for sharing your improvments : positive reports are so important.

 

Lot of hugs ❤️ 

[sunnysideup69]

@Cigale, @Malbec37, @Erell

Thanks so much guys! 

 

Having a little wave this week. Mood has been okay  but seem to be having a 'sleep wave.' Been waking too early and struggling to get back to sleep. I took yesterday off work as I had woken at 2am and couldn't get back to sleep. Oddly, my mood was great all day, though. I was late in taking my Venlafaxine on Monday, only by about an hour or so...but my nervous system is still pretty sensitive and I'm thinking that could have triggered a slight blip.

Today, feel a bit jet lagged although sleep was better last night.

I've been a bit naughty with diet and drinking tea. Got a bit cocky because I was feeling better, forgetting that all the little bad habits add up. So am starting a sugar-free/ wheat free reset month tomorrow. Also, am going to cut down to one caffeinated tea in the mornings. (At the moment, I have three cups of earl grey. I'm a tea junkie, for sure.) Then am going to cut it out completely for a while, just to see what that's like, does it improve overall quality of sleep/ recovery?

 

Some things I'm really noticing about myself now that I've gone back to work.....I get stressed out by people very easily. Can't really remember if I've always been like this....I think probably I have but it's definitely more pronounced now that my nervous system has been sensitised by these drugs.

I used to just smoke a spliff in the evenings to deal with stress, in my twenties.

 

Find it hard to switch my mind off and also I really bear a grudge....and nurse it! 

Mostly, I'm coping with being back at work, but my nervous system is fragile.....however, at least I can see this and I'm not blaming myself for having some kind of personality defect. I've damaged my nervous system and it doesn't respond proportionately to events/people at times.

Twice this half term I've nearly fired off very reactive emails to people, giving them a piece of my mind.....but thankfully, 'adult Sunny' has taken over and I've been able to delay that response. As a result, I still have a job 😂

Overall though, I can see how much progress I have made. This time last year, I couldn't work and was on sick leave....just going back, in fact. Waves were still pretty bad and anxiety still high.

I'd love to say I feel calm and nothing bothers me, but I recognise that I have low level anxiety a lot of the time, interspersed with some windows of real peace and calm.

I struggle with self care. I'm too much of a workaholic.

Anyway, am sure this wave will pass soon. Hoping to see some friends this weekend and get out and about a bit. I'm lacking in fun and enjoyment.

 

[Sonia009]

Hi Sunnysideup,

I think the change in seasons have a profound effect on us and the weather has been so changeable lately. I have noticed the difference a nice sunny day makes me feel only to be followed by a downer when it rains and feels cold the next day. The pending darker evenings and winter months are a step nearer too, that with the covid threat all play a part in the way our moods change.

Inconsistent med times definitely has an affect on me, these days I am more strict with it. I too am guilty of over indulging in foods I enjoy, a good day leads you into a false sense of security and it's so easy to slip up.

You have come a long way though and you have made remarkable improvements. You're back in work and you've found this inner strength to stand up for yourself. When you are feeling strong this is easy to deal with, it's when you start having a bit of a wobble that you worry about what you did or said or reacted, at least that is what it's like for me.

I hope you continue to make good progress and have an enjoyable weekend with your friends. You are doing great!  x

[Malbec37]

Hi Sunnysideup

 

Thanks for your update...sorry you're in a wave...I am going through something similar...I am often waking too early and not able to get back to sleep. I seem to be fairly constantly anxious at the moment too. I feel overwhelmed really by this withdrawal and struggling to see a way forward. I can very much relate to what you say about a fragile nervous system - do you think that it ever fully recovers from what we're doing and the impact of these meds?

 

You are doing well in so many ways and well done for being back at work and in a much better place than previously. The wave will pass and a window will return.

 

Love Malbec

[sunnysideup69]

Thanks @Sonia001 and @Malbec37....Malbec, I do think we can fully recover, yes. However, it takes time and life throws stresses our way. What an absolute pain! Been a bit on the miserable side today, getting over a cold, feeling tired. It's getting dark out there !

Wave will pass again, I know. I'm kind of bored at the moment. Really want to adopt a cat ❤️