Kingfisher86: I think I tapered off Lexapro too fast almost 9 weeks ago

[Kingfisher86]

Quick update:

 

I am stuck in my bed today. My whole body is in pins and niddles, tension and hot flashes. My heart isn’t racing but has a stronger than usually beat. I am cold too. Core anxiety from when my dad died is resurficing. I made a video for my therapist sayin I am afraid I will be left alone and old. It feels real. I keep tell myself it is not true.

 

This morning was very hard with suicidal thoughts, but it lessened around 12 pm. 
 

Not able to sleep, bc as soon as I relax there is this feeling of sinking and body reacts with a “jump”.

 

 

[Lucy1983]

Kingfisher I hate hearing your day is so bad.  I wonder why our minds tell us so many lies to make us feel worse than usual. Seems when our bodies are stronger either the lies don't come or we can just shake them off. 

I don't know about the melatonin effect but maybe not take it again to see if you sleep better. 

The hot/cold feelings, pins/needles and anxiety are a big part of WD. Those feelings will lessen in time as you heal.

I am sorry you lost your dad. That must be very difficult with the sadness/anxiety amplified during this WD period.  

I am hoping for you a better day come morning.

[Kingfisher86]

Dearest @Lucy1983

 

It always makes my day when I hear from you☀️ Hope your day went well💫
 

9 minutes ago, Lucy1983 said:

Seems when our bodies are stronger either the lies don't come or we can just shake them off. 

I so agree! I keep reminding myself those thoughts are lies. 

 

11 minutes ago, Lucy1983 said:

The hot/cold feelings, pins/needles and anxiety are a big part of WD. Those feelings will lessen in time as you heal.

I keep reminding myself of this as well😖

Yesterday and today is different then before. Now I feel sick-ish. Before only parts of my body would ache. Now is the whole body working. My leg muscles hurt.

I let myself lay in bed today. It 6:30 pm here.

My physical symptoms evolved. Some stuck, some never came back. Some lessen, some intensified.

So confusing. This whole week has been a big wave.

 

27 minutes ago, Lucy1983 said:

I am sorry you lost your dad

Thank you🙏🏻 I keep talking about it because I don’t want my core issue to be hidden from other people. Hidden things tend to get big and scary. 

I hope tomorrow is better too. But if not, tonight I will muster up some extra strength for tomorrow😖

 

Thank you Lucy🦋

[Kingfisher86]

Hi guys🤝
 

Just checking in with you. It is 9:15 am in Serbia. Begining of my 11th week into WD.

I had symptoms since day one of stopping, but they gradually worsened yet some lessened... or I am just able to better cope. I do not know.

 

Last night I went to sleep without melatonin or Valerian root which I don’t want to overuse. Even though I used it only before sleep.

This was the 3rd night of falling asleep hardships. But since I am much calmer in the evenings I do not beat myself about it. I don’t know how much I slept last night but I did have some sleep. 
 

Had a dream about my ex so I woke up upset, so morning nausea and anxiety worsened. Calmed myself down a bit.

Mornings are the hardest by far. As everyone prepares to seize the day, I know I have yet another day of recovery. And I will have them even more. 

 

Does nausea ever stops? I can’t seem to remember how life is without it🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Symptoms to report: 2nd week od tinnitus, uneasiness in the chest area, neck feeling buzzy and warm, nausea, chills from the waist down...

 

Breakfast: cup of frut tea, small amount of frut/veggie smoothe, and bit of lentils.

 

Mentally I get discouraged many times during the day. Then I hope things will get better and I will be able to endure it.

 

Thank you SA and everyone for listening.

 

 

[Kingfisher86]

Hello everybody🤝
 

It is 9:45 am in Serbia, and it is raining.🌦 It doesn’t seem that weather is affecting me today.

Yesterday afternoon, my physical symptoms weren’t as prominent. My lower body was buzzing, and I just felt little tired. I stayed in bed all day bc it felt right. And I had a good appetite.

 

I felt that night is going to be different. I didn’t take any supplements for sleep, and I was able to sleep thru the night with some waking ups. Since I had an eye mask on, once I truly woken up, I didn’t know what time it was. I was surprised to see it is 8:30 am.🌤

 

Just a tiny bit of nausea this morning. My legs are stil buzzing on some weird low frequency. I can deal with that. And tinnitus. 

I know this progress is not linear so I am not celebrating but I am grateful for this day. Last week was really horrible. 

 

Mentally and emotionally I am little off. But I had uglier days than this, so again I am trying to stay grateful.

Fear of time, loss and regrets are what plagues me, and that is so amplified right now. Loss of interest in things. Feeling like a failiure. I see my therapist 2x a week. She helps a lot. I still hate how I feel.

 

I might send an update later.

 

Thank you SA! 💫

 

[Kingfisher86]

Quick update:

 

I ate today pretty well. Still no big physical symptoms. I just feel like an electron insde of a atom vibrating🙄

 

Mentally I struggle. I am trying to be gentle with myself. My brain is imbalanced. I understand that part.🥺very scary.

My reasons for taking medication were unresolved trama due to my father’s passing, failed relationship and setbacks at work... anxiety cripped in. Things piled up and I didn’t have much support.

 

I am off medication. Still I am thinking, 

if I haven’t worked on the issues above while I was on meds why do I expect them to be gone now? I wish they were, but they are still here.

 

I am working on them now. But WD, Covid, moving, another break up, and lack of work are making everything harder. I should feel bad bc of these things alone, I keep telling myself.

 

This journey is by far the hardest and scarest thing I have ever done.

Many days I lose hope, but it does come back even if it is only for a moment.

[Kingfisher86]

Hi guys☀️
 

It is 10:20 am in Serbia. Today is sunny but cold.

I must say I slept ok last night. Had a little trouble falling asleep but I don’t remember waking up during the night. My dream are not intense still I wish I dreamt of stupid things not just some emotional stuff.

 

My whole body is still buzzing on some low frequency. But nausea seem to be gone. 
I am strugguling mentally now. Trying to keep it calm, but with NS in distress it is so hard not to be sensitive. Sounds so simple put on “paper” but it is SO hard when you live it.

My fears: not being able to see happy and meaningful future, losing my mom, dying soon, being old and alone, always feeling like this...

 

Thank you for👂🏼!

 

🦋P.S. I read how anxiety gradually lessen... I would really appreciate to hear how that feels in practice? 

 

I just miss that inner stability where the future or the past don’t stay in your mind long enough to scare you.

Where you just live in the now, without knowing it.
I know it’s in part practice but some of it should be natural. I am missing natural part right now😔

[Hanna72]

Hi @Kingfisher86

4 hours ago, Kingfisher86 said:

🦋P.S. I read how anxiety gradually lessen... I would really appreciate to hear how that feels in practice? 

I myself have struggled with high anxiety and I would like to give you so tips that have helped me.

There is a spiritual teacher that is called Eckhart Tolle which you can find on YouTube. He has really good tips on how to practice mindfulness and ignoring ones thinking pattern. And he also has a very calming voice and wisdom.
Our thoughts have tremendous power of how we deal with emotions and it takes practice to ignore those negative thoughts. 

4 hours ago, Kingfisher86 said:

Where you just live in the now, without knowing it.
I know it’s in part practice but some of it should be natural. I am missing natural part right now

As time goes on it will become more natural, in the meantime we sometimes need to “fake it before we make it” 😉

Enjoy the sun in Serbia, and know that you will be ok🙏

[Kingfisher86]

@Hanna72🌻

 

Thank you for the tips🐳 I will look them up.

1 hour ago, Hanna72 said:

Our thoughts have tremendous power of how we deal with emotions and it takes practice to ignore those negative thoughts. 

So very true🙇🏻‍♀️ Sometimes I feel powerless against WD & life circumstances, but friends remind me and I fight again. 

 

1 hour ago, Hanna72 said:

As time goes on it will become more natural, in the meantime we sometimes need to “fake it before we make it” 😉

I am looking forward to that😅

 

Thank you🦋

[Kingfisher86]

Hi everybody🌦
 

It is 11:00 am in Serbia.

 

I slept ok. Don’t remember waking up during the night but did wake up earlier than I would’ve liked.🤷🏻‍♀️ I am grateful though.

Woke up ok. Morning cortisol spikes are not present in the past 2 weeks or little less. And nausea seems to be on a very low level recently.

My worst symptoms were in 5th & 10th week. And 10th week was tiny bit less intense in some respects but I also had a new symptom— insomnia😣.

 

I am cautious... I keep my diet clean and try to rest as much as I can. I am aware of non linear recovery. 
Mentally I tell myself that it is normal not to feel good when things around you aren’t  well and the way you planned them.

 

I started my unfortunate “tappering” when the world around me started to colapse. So it is really hard to tell apart what is normal worry and what is not.

 

Thank you for listening🌻

[Kingfisher86]

@Gridley Hello,

 

I would like to report someting and ask you as well. Thank you🙏🏻
 

Last year (maybe even more)that I was on 5 mg of Lexapro I had these two symptoms that I am also having in withdrawal:

1. I had lower body vibration or zaps just before I needed to go to the restroom. Even if I did feel like I needed to go, that was a singal that I will in a couple of minutes.

2. After long walks I would feel crawling sensations on my legs (just what I am feeling in this moment)

 

I was wondering... at the time I was taking medication would these sesnsations be called side effects or

would they be a sign that medication is acting up weird and might stop working?

 

Or when I think about it maybe it was WD going from 10mg to 5 mg in a day🤔

 

It is interesting to me as I never had them before medication. I remember thinking od them as new.
And it is even more interesting that they are constant part of my WD experiance.

 

Thank you for yor time🤝

[Gridley]

3 hours ago, Kingfisher86 said:

Or when I think about it maybe it was WD going from 10mg to 5 mg in a day🤔

 

It sound more like WD from dropping than side effects or the drug acting weird.

[Kingfisher86]

Hi guys🙋🏻‍♀️
 

 

Slept ok last night. Woke up once and could feel my whole body vibriting on a higher level than during the day. now my upper back is warm and tingly.

 

Weather is really bad, foggy, this morning and I can feel that in my body. My head is a bit tight and warm.

 

High anxiety this morning. Fear of death and feeling of having no purpose. Trying to bring myself back into the present moment. Sometime I win, sometime I lose and break down crying.

 

I MUST belive that it will go away as I heal with time.

 

Thank you guys🐳

[Lucy1983]

Good morning from Texas Kingfisher.  The weather here is in the 70's and breezy. Sounds nice but it actually has lots of pollen in the air so many of us are fighting seasonal allergies. Yeah, I am never satisfied:)

On 10/15/2020 at 4:17 AM, Kingfisher86 said:

2. After long walks I would feel crawling sensations on my legs (just what I am feeling in this moment)

 

I have the crawling sensations on my scalp. Has been constant for about 5 months now. I take Benadryl to get relief. I hate having to take it but I had scratched my scalp/face so much that I had sores. I still feel itching but it is tolerable.

 

6 hours ago, Kingfisher86 said:

High anxiety this morning. Fear of death and feeling of having no purpose. Trying to bring myself back into the present moment. Sometime I win, sometime I lose and break down crying.

 

I can absolutely relate with you on the death/no purpose feeling. I am sorry you are going through that.  I believe it is temporary and that we will get better. I think about the purpose very often so mentioned it to my husband. He told me maybe there is a very great purpose that we just can't see. I like that answer.  I am small in this universe but God has me here for some purpose that I will see/understand in another time.

I know it is afternoon in Serbia now so maybe you are starting to feel some better. I hope so. 

[Kingfisher86]

Hi @Lucy1983🌻

 

Always good to hear from you!🐳

 

It can be so scary to feel without purpose. Rationally I know it is not true, but some parts of the healing brain are just confused🙄 

1 hour ago, Lucy1983 said:

I believe it is temporary and that we will get better.

 Patience is something that I am working on. 

1 hour ago, Lucy1983 said:

I know it is afternoon in Serbia now so maybe you are starting to feel some better. I hope so.

This is my 5 th day of having minimal physical symtoms but amplified emotional. I had my therapy session today. It helped. Hoping too that night will lessen them as well.🙏🏻
 

Thank you Lucy!!!❤️

[Leila]

Dear Kingfisher, I red your last updates. I can't even imagine how hard was (and it's a wound that don't scar totally) your father's loss... I'm so sorry.

A doctor said to me that when we stop these drugs, it seems like all it was covered (trauma or inner conflicts) return to the surface, and often in a very heinous way.

Also me, I thought I had worked (expecially with my therapy) to resolve my inner trouble but when I had my crash withdrawal all my world seemed collapse. I felt alone, I felt a bad friend who doesn't deserve having good friends (and maybe some friendships become toxic or oportunistic without I noticed it), I felt a bad teacher, a bad life patner... A desert is created inside me (and I was so scared because I felt I can't live without others) but also in a desert some kind of flowers can rise if we can see how the sunshine can change our perspective... Throught the extreme suffering sometimes I feel that I can be complete and I can glimpse timidly a new me who can't wait to feel better for living finally life fully. 

We deserve more, especially because we had to pass throught this hell...

 

I started a mindfulness course three weeks ago and I hope can help me to stay focused on present (I have difficult especially in anxious moments) throught breathing and body scan. Sometimes I feel blocked, don't want to come back to hideous issues and I'm scared to new issues... the present terrify me...

 

Some years ago I did a wonderful Balkanian trip! I hope to reply one day!

I wish you a good night!🙌

[Kingfisher86]

Hello guys🌦

 

It is almost 11am in Serbia. It is raining.

CBT therapy scheduled at 1:00 pm.

11th week of WD is coming to an end. It has been an ok week. 

 

Slept ok last night. Woke up with minimal symptoms. But my mind is running scared.

Trying to talk it out with my friends, it helps yet it doesn’ t help. Hoping it will not last forever😣

 

Hope you guys are doing alright🌻

 

[Kingfisher86]

Quick update:

 

I am out of the house after 10 days. Going to CBT then to meet my friend. A bit physically shaky when I left the house. Seemingly mild noise is reading thru my body especially chest. Like a panic attack that is unsure of itself. Seems to be calming down now that I am more time outside.
Even feeling good tiny vibes at moments. But generally scared of life... for now.

[Lucy1983]

Hi Kingfisher. How are you doing?

[Kingfisher86]

Hi @Lucy1983🌻

 

I have been offline for a week, trying to focus on ordinary things.

I can say that for the past 12 days I did not have any major physical symptoms. Now only my neck and back of the head get some heat and tension from time to time. It is a relief not to have nausea all the time.

 

Mentally I am dealing with high anxiety but have sessions with therapist 3x a week. 
 

I feel it is helping but still I wonder how much of it is a consequence of WD. So again, time will show it.

 

How are you my friend?☀️💐

 

 

[Kingfisher86]

Hi guys!

 

Just to check in. No major physical symptoms came back. Just some tension in my shoulders, neck and back of the head. I enjoy sleeping more. Still I wake up early morning but stay in bed after that.

High anxiety comes in waves. And at those times it is horrible, but I feel that I am gaining more control over my thinking even though these are tiny steps. 

[Lucy1983]

Hi Kingfisher.  So happy you are stepping in the right direction!!! Thanks so much for the update:)

 

[Kingfisher86]

Hi friends,🙋🏻‍♀️

 

Just checking in. I am in my 16th week off Lexapro.

No major physical symptoms. 
The prominent ones are pain between shoulder blades, heated tension on the sides of my neck and tightening of the back of my scalp. It goes along with anxiety. It is not present everyday.

 

I feel more present but still struggle with high anxiety and some dpdr. Some days is harder to deal with it, and some it is easier.

 

I started working this week. 4 hrs, 5 days a week.

Sleep is well. I eat normal.Therapy 3x a week. 

Hope you are doing better🤝

[Lucy1983]

Hi Kingfisher. So glad you are continuing to improve!!! I will be 5 months out on Nov 19. Still having some scalp issues but no other WD at this time.

I think about you often and I always hope you are well and happy.

Lucy

[Kingfisher86]

@Lucy1983

 

Hi friend:)
You are approaching a 5 month mark!🎉 
Recovery takes patience😅

[Krisseyb]

@Kingfisher86 and @Lucy1983 so glad to hear both of y'all are doing well. I am just kindof scanning through this site today. I'm currently switching to liquid Lexapro and will begin my taper soon. I'm a little nervous (okay a lot nervous) but have to have the faith that this will be best for me in the longrun!!!

[Lucy1983]

@Krisseyb hello. Getting off of the drugs was the best decision I have ever made. Is it difficult? Yes. But very doable. SA is an awesome site. Reading the posts and learning from others experiences was extremely helpful for me. I hope your WD goes very well Krissey!!!

[Kingfisher86]

@Krisseyb You will do well! As we are often reminded at SA, it is important to remember any progress along the way no matter how small🎉😁  and we are all different, some people have easier time than others, but we all heal in the end.🤩

[Kingfisher86]

Hi friends🙂

 

Checking in.

 

This is my 2nd week at work. My job consists of talking to people on the phone and using a computer. I am able to do my job well. My boss even commended me.

Many times fears set in while I am working. I am able to push thru. I write to my friends telling them I am under attack😂 (I am joking now but sure it is no fun in the midst of it). I also keep dose of magnesium and fish oil near me. I make sure I eat on time (lentils are still my favorite). And I only drink water. That is my first aid at work.

 

I was so scared when I would read here that it takes months and months to heal. I am not anymore because day by day I heal little by little. There is no way to rush it but it is a steady slow. It can be scary when bad days come, but I know I surrived those before.

I have paticulary bad time few days before my period. It is the pure torture. But even that will pass too🙄

 

Next week I am planning to start exercising after work in the near by gym. Nothing crazy, 3-4 times a week just to have some routine. Hope I stick to it.

[Lucy1983]

Hi Kingfisher. I am so happy you are seeing so much improvement! You are strong and brave!!!

Thank you for giving an update.

 

Lucy

[Krisseyb]

On 11/17/2020 at 1:04 PM, Kingfisher86 said:

@Krisseyb You will do well! As we are often reminded at SA, it is important to remember any progress along the way no matter how small🎉😁  and we are all different, some people have easier time than others, but we all heal in the end.🤩

@Kingfisher86  Yes!!! Thank you for the encouraging words!!!
 

[Kingfisher86]

🌈Hey guys☀️

 

Checking in quick.

I am mostly feeling ok. I noticed that anxiety has gradually really lessened. It is a relief. It feels like a steady improvement and I hope it will stick. I am not swept away by some fears nor I think about some fears anymore. 
 

I felt/feel a lot of stress in my body due to my new overly ambitious and impulsive teammate at work. I can tell that my NS is still very sensitive. But it didn’t sweep me away. At one moment, I was so busy at work that I didn’t have time to connect my physical discomfort with some scary thougth. I was just sitting at my desk thinking my body needs rest. Was not anxious bc of it.

 

I am still very careful about my diet. I even like my diet without crappy stuff in it. I try to include brief exercises throughout my day. If I feel that I am all in my head, I exercise 5-15 min. Youtube has a lot of these short exercise clips.

 

I could not watch movies or listen to music since I got off meds. Recently, I enjoyed some of it. Reasons I couldn’t do these stuff was that my fears fed off evoked emotions. They grew bigger. But since anxiety lessened I am able to do little bit of everything.

CBT is still a great help as well as Breema.

[Kingfisher86]

Hey guys,☀️

 

Good news this week is that my body has been asking for more sleep. I had afternoon naps which I enjoyed. Since August that was unimaginable for me. Even sleeping longer now. 
 

I was just thinking about the progress people here are making. And I know one thing for sure, in my case, I would’ve had a hard time staying off lex if I didn’t find SA. It would’ve been too scary to go thru WD alone or not even knowing about it. So even when people were telling me I was crazy, because of SA I was empowered to know better❤️ 

[Lucy1983]

Hi there! I am so happy that you are doing so well:) I too am very thankful for SA and for you Kingfisher! 

[Kingfisher86]

Hi guys,

 

Even though I mostly feel better and good, when in pms I feel as if I am thrown off the cliff. Uncontrolable crying and despair.

Luckly, it goes away in 2-3 days but boy it does feel like the worst days of my WD. I am pretty sure it is my still sensitive NS reacting to hormonal changes. 

What seems so funny to me is that in the tick of withdrawal, 3 months straight, my period was so regular, unlike before, even pre lexapro era. I expected things to be the most messed up in WD, but bloodwork was spot on. Will see what next 4 months bring.

 

☀️☀️☀️

[Kingfisher86]

Checking in.

 

My period is over, but I got sick😖 Common cold but in WD that is, as you guys know, horrible. No fever but low vibrations of my whole body, tightening of the scalp and little nausea. I did sleep well though. 

I had a very good last month meaning I could see through my anxiety, it didn’t scare me. As you know, my physical symptoms disappeared. Some remenats of them that I do not acknowledge anymore.
I knew it wouldn’t be good for me to get sick. I read all of the stories. I didn’t believe it would threw me back into a wave. Or since it is not such a bad cold maybe it would’ve happened anyway. Some reconstruction is underway. 
 

Guys this sucks bad. I know it will not last forever but when in a wave we all forget that😖 This sucks!