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Rosetta

Hi.  I looked at your thread a bit more.  Just dropping by to offer support.  It's really terrible what these drug do to us.  It's like chemical warfare that got out of hand.  I'm pretty tired.  Thanks for writing on my thread.  I hope you sleep well.  -Rosetta

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wantrelief
Just now, Kristine said:

Hey WR,  Just popping by to see how you are travelling since your last taper..must be two weeks? Anyway just know you are in my thoughts. Love and hugs K xo :wub:

Hello Kristine!  Always so nice when you pop by!  Thank you so much for thinking about me. Your memory is better than mine - I had to look at the calendar and it will be two weeks on Tuesday that I made my drop.  I am happy to report that I did not experience any worsening of symptoms from that drop. I've never done a taper before feeling so unstable so was really unsure what to expect.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of how this is all going to go but am still on board to try another small cut next month.  I would love to be able to try a larger percentage but may have to stay with the itty bitty cuts for now.  I really, really want this taper to be successful unlike all my other attempts.  I'll drop by for a visit on your thread.  :)

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wantrelief
9 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Hi.  I looked at your thread a bit more.  Just dropping by to offer support.  It's really terrible what these drug do to us.  It's like chemical warfare that got out of hand.  I'm pretty tired.  Thanks for writing on my thread.  I hope you sleep well.  -Rosetta

Aw, thanks so much for coming by and for your offer of support.....I so appreciate that, Rosetta!!  My thread is a bit of a sad read.  I hope someday it will have a happy ending. I hope you are having a good night and get some good sleep again!

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Kristine
6 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Your memory is better than mine - I had to look at the calendar and it will be two weeks on Tuesday that I made my drop.

My memory is terrible! I had to check back on your thread! 

7 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

 I am happy to report that I did not experience any worsening of symptoms from that drop. I've never done a taper before feeling so unstable so was really unsure what to expect.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of how this is all going to go but am still on board to try another small cut next month.  I would love to be able to try a larger percentage but may have to stay with the itty bitty cuts for now.  I really, really want this taper to be successful unlike all my other attempts.  I'll drop by for a visit on your thread.  :)

Oh WR, I'm so happy for you! Just knowing that a tiny drop hasn't sent you into chaotic wd of worsening symptoms must be so empowing for you!  Itty bitty cuts sounds very wise. Love K xo 

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RealMe

Hi WR,

Just checking in on you.  You seem to be doing the right thing--slooooow and steady.  No worsening of symptoms is a good sign, I think.  When I think about it logically, if my symptoms do not worsen after a cut of AD, then obviously that amount wasn't helping either.  Why then would I want or need to take it (the amount of the cut)?  Not sure if I am making sense, but it seems to help me to think of it this way.  If the taper brings a worsening of symptoms, I can always re-up.  In my case, I know I will have to deal with WD symptoms as well as symptoms I had before taking the ADs in the first place.

Hope you are doing well, dear WR!

xo RM

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wantrelief
5 minutes ago, RealMe said:

Hi WR,

Just checking in on you.  You seem to be doing the right thing--slooooow and steady.  No worsening of symptoms is a good sign, I think.  When I think about it logically, if my symptoms do not worsen after a cut of AD, then obviously that amount wasn't helping either.  Why then would I want or need to take it (the amount of the cut)?  Not sure if I am making sense, but it seems to help me to think of it this way.  If the taper brings a worsening of symptoms, I can always re-up.  In my case, I know I will have to deal with WD symptoms as well as symptoms I had before taking the ADs in the first place.

Hope you are doing well, dear WR!

xo RM

Thanks very much for your message, RM.  It does make sense what you are saying about the amount not helping.  I am very grateful for your support on this journey. 

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JS11

Hey WR,

 

You said your thread was a sad read, but I think it is a courageous and honest one.  I mean, after all that you have gone through, you are still here and tapering too despite your fear.  You have great strength my friend. 

 

take care,

JS

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Madeleine

Hi Want Relief:  Just wanted to stop by and say "hi" on your thread.   I responded to your question on my thread -- i.e. you asked what I found helpful: cognitive behavioural therapy -- controlling thoughts and not thinking the worse scenario --  as well as a faith in God.   Those two things together are what have helped me most. 

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bheb

Hey wantrelief, how'd you feel this week? Glad to hear the most recent drop didn't worsen symptoms (if I read that right).

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wantrelief
13 minutes ago, bheb said:

Hey wantrelief, how'd you feel this week? Glad to hear the most recent drop didn't worsen symptoms (if I read that right).

Hi there bheb - Thanks for stopping by!  Yes, the good news is that the symptoms did not worsen after my small drop and for that I am very grateful.  I am planning another small cut next week. I am having a hard time with the level of anhedonia/apathy and lack of motivation that I experience daily....doing anything takes an enormous amount of effort....I just feel so unlike myself, like a large part of me is missing and I am just existing, not living. I can only hope this will change at some point down the road. How have you been?  

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Gridley

wantrelief,

 

I deal with anhedonia and apathy too.  This post by one of the mods (sorry, don't remember which) was encouraging and helpful to me:

 

"You can't fight against it.  This is a drug induced sensation that we have no control over.  Trying to fight it or over come it just burns a lot of energy and causes a huge amount of frustration and anxiety because it doesn't help anything.  The emotions, feelings of joy, happiness, love and excitement as well as creativity, ambition and a whole lot more are being chemically suppressed and for the time being are just not accessible. Acceptance of the situation is the best path to follow.  As you reduce your dose further and your body has a chance to heal your emotions and all will slowly start to come back, but it does take a lot of time.  As I mentioned in the post you quoted, at the time I was off all drugs for five months I was still having some trouble with lack of feelings.  I am now rapidly approaching 10 months off and still am having the occasional bout with it. But things are so much better than they were when I was still tapering.

 

One thing I did learn was to look for and cherish all the little moments of joy.  They actually are popping up all the time, but are very fleeting and easily overlooked.  When you look at a flower, instead of thinking "darn, I can't enjoy this flower", watch for the momentary little flash of joy that that flower brings when you first see it, and acknowledge it when it happens.  Stop and try to see the beauty in things, even if you don't feel it. "Wow, the sun on those clouds is really pretty, one day soon I will feel it again".  Stop and recognize the joy/wonder in the scene, but let your body react in it's own manner.  This exercise will help reestablish the neural pathways and little by little dig out and strengthen the feelings.

 

Like the rest of ADWD it is a tortuously long slow process that can be very frustrating, but in the end is so worth all the effort."
 

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wantrelief

Thank you for sharing this with me, Gridley....it is helpful!  It is also helpful to know I am not alone with these symptoms but I am sorry you are dealing with them too. 

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Kristine
5 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Yes, the good news is that the symptoms did not worsen after my small drop and for that I am very grateful.  I am planning another small cut next week. I am having a hard time with the level of anhedonia/apathy and lack of motivation that I experience daily....doing anything takes an enormous amount of effort....I just feel so unlike myself, like a large part of me is missing and I am just existing, not living. I can only hope this will change at some point down the road.

Hello my friend,  I'm so pleased your symptoms haven't worsened since your last drop.  However, I'm so sorry the apathy anhedonia continue.  I can completely relate to this.  I often feel dead inside and that "missing" feeling you describe...I really feel that I'm going to have to rediscover myself once the drugs are gone.  I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.   I really liked what Gridley said also.  You have amazing inner strength and I really have faith that your future will be bright. Much Love. K xo

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wantrelief
2 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Hello my friend,  I'm so pleased your symptoms haven't worsened since your last drop.  However, I'm so sorry the apathy anhedonia continue.  I can completely relate to this.  I often feel dead inside and that "missing" feeling you describe...I really feel that I'm going to have to rediscover myself once the drugs are gone.  I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.   I really liked what Gridley said also.  You have amazing inner strength and I really have faith that your future will be bright. Much Love. K xo

This is the sweetest message, Kristine, thank you so very much.  I am really sorry you are feeling the same in terms of something missing....it does feel like being dead inside, just an awful feeling that only we can get how it feels.  It feels like a part of my brain has shut down. I really appreciated your words about me....that is so kind of you to say and so uplifting.  I will re-read this message when the doubts creep in (everyday). :)

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Rosetta

Aww, Wantrelief.  I'm so sorry to hear that.  The lack of motivation and anhedonia hit me like a tons of bricks sometimes.   Other times they are just there at a low but constant level and only let up for short periods of a day.  In 2016, my last year on Zoloft, I starting learning to play violin in the hopes that my daughter would practice hers more.  I found that I really enjoyed it.  I made it through most of the first Suzuki book, and I was making progress on the last three pieces.  I quit ADs in Feb 2017.  I used to play after that when I felt anxious.  It distracted me.  By August of 2017, I didn't want to play anymore.  My worst anxiety was Sept through November.  I have never been able to pick the violin back up.  I just can't bear the thought.  I can't imagine it feeling good.  There are many, many things that are like this for me -- gardening, for one.  I really think my interest in life and activities will slowly come back just as I can now look at the clouds and see them as very beautiful.  

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RealMe
6 hours ago, wantrelief said:

the good news is that the symptoms did not worsen after my small drop and for that I am very grateful.  I am planning another small cut next week. I am having a hard time with the level of anhedonia/apathy and lack of motivation that I experience daily....doing anything takes an enormous amount of effort....I just feel so unlike myself, like a large part of me is missing and I am just existing, not living. 

Hi Wantrelief,

Good for you that you are managing your recent taper!  I applaud your success! :)  I also want to tell you that I have difficulty with anhedonia.  I think back with longing to things I used to enjoy, especially the simple things--even household chores, nothing big.  In fact, being happy with simple things is probably even better for me than something exciting is for other people who do not depress.  I have been forcing myself to do things that I might do if I weren't depressed, and it does distract me somewhat or at least makes the day go by.  But then I find myself exhausted afterward.  Well, we will just plug away together on this healing journey.

xo RM

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Downbutnotout
11 minutes ago, RealMe said:

Hi Wantrelief,

Good for you that you are managing your recent taper!  I applaud your success! :)  I also want to tell you that I have difficulty with anhedonia.  I think back with longing to things I used to enjoy, especially the simple things--even household chores, nothing big.  In fact, being happy with simple things is probably even better for me than something exciting is for other people who do not depress.  I have been forcing myself to do things that I might do if I weren't depressed, and it does distract me somewhat or at least makes the day go by.  But then I find myself exhausted afterward.  Well, we will just plug away together on this healing journey.

xo RM

It’s quite a problem.  wonder why. Is it the lazy neurotransmitters? Or the ones that aren’t there? People rebuild their brains after a stroke or a tbi.  Maybe there are methods out there to do this? 

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wantrelief
1 hour ago, RealMe said:

Hi Wantrelief,

Good for you that you are managing your recent taper!  I applaud your success! :)  I also want to tell you that I have difficulty with anhedonia.  I think back with longing to things I used to enjoy, especially the simple things--even household chores, nothing big.  In fact, being happy with simple things is probably even better for me than something exciting is for other people who do not depress.  I have been forcing myself to do things that I might do if I weren't depressed, and it does distract me somewhat or at least makes the day go by.  But then I find myself exhausted afterward.  Well, we will just plug away together on this healing journey.

xo RM

Thanks for your message, RM.  I am sorry you are dealing with anhedonia as well.  I too am forcing myself to do some things I would do if I wasn't feeling this way and it does help. I like what you said about plugging away together on this healing journey....so grateful to have you along! :)

 

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bheb
On 3/2/2018 at 3:30 PM, wantrelief said:

I just feel so unlike myself, like a large part of me is missing and I am just existing, not living. I can only hope this will change at some point down the road. How have you been?  

 

I understand this. I thought I would be rejoicing for all my improvement with akathisia, but many days I stay curled up in bed unable to muster any kind of positive energy. I am sure it will clear up though it seems to take forever. 

 

About me, as I've hinted, akathisia is much improved. Feels like a miracle some days. But I still have my setbacks and when they happen they feel like the end of the world -- I think it's kind of like I've let my guard down and gotten my expectations up too high sometimes? I've also been less careful. I started drinking coffee to battle the anhedonia/fatigue and I think it's been slowly increasing my agitation. And allowing myself into stressful situations has triggered some terror/fear. I just have to remember that even though I'm better, I'm not invincible. 

 

Gridley is right about cherishing small moments. I've already noticed some improvements with the anhedonia, which I think is due in part to "accepting" the feeling as they say. Acknowledging that it's totally normal to feel this drained after this messed up battle we've been thrown into. That way you avoid the meta-dread, dread of your sad condition which only multiplies the feeling.

 

Has anything besides anhedonia been bothering you lately?

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wantrelief
8 minutes ago, bheb said:

 

I understand this. I thought I would be rejoicing for all my improvement with akathisia, but many days I stay curled up in bed unable to muster any kind of positive energy. I am sure it will clear up though it seems to take forever. 

 

About me, as I've hinted, akathisia is much improved. Feels like a miracle some days. But I still have my setbacks and when they happen they feel like the end of the world -- I think it's kind of like I've let my guard down and gotten my expectations up too high sometimes? I've also been less careful. I started drinking coffee to battle the anhedonia/fatigue and I think it's been slowly increasing my agitation. And allowing myself into stressful situations has triggered some terror/fear. I just have to remember that even though I'm better, I'm not invincible. 

 

Gridley is right about cherishing small moments. I've already noticed some improvements with the anhedonia, which I think is due in part to "accepting" the feeling as they say. Acknowledging that it's totally normal to feel this drained after this messed up battle we've been thrown into. That way you avoid the meta-dread, dread of your sad condition which only multiplies the feeling.

 

Has anything besides anhedonia been bothering you lately?

That is wonderful news about the akathisia improving, bheb!!  I am so happy for you!  I am sorry, however, you are dealing with anhedonia and fatigue.  It makes sense, as you wrote, that your body is reacting this way after being so drained from all its been through.  It sounds like you are doing well in acknowledging and accepting how you are feeling.  This is a positive update and I am really happy for you, bheb.  Please keep me posted how are doing.

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bheb

Yes yes it's very good news. I know I'll be hearing some from you soon too...hang on!

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Flowers

Hi Want Relief

 

Just wanted to say how pleased I am that your first drop is going well.

 

I know you were in a dilema whether to taper or not while being unstable. 

 

I think you have shown great courage to start tapering and I wish you all the very best for a good outcome. 

 

Well done!

 

Love from Flowers xxx

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wantrelief
8 minutes ago, Flowers said:

Hi Want Relief

 

Just wanted to say how pleased I am that your first drop is going well.

 

I know you were in a dilema whether to taper or not while being unstable. 

 

I think you have shown great courage to start tapering and I wish you all the very best for a good outcome. 

 

Well done!

 

Love from Flowers xxx

Thank you so much for your lovely supportive message, Flowers....I really appreciate your stopping by and for your well wishes!

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Kristine

Hey WR,  thank you for dropping by my thread.  How are you travelling? Please don't feel pressured to answer if you aren't up to it. Love K xo

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wantrelief

Hi Kristine - Thanks for stopping by!  Nothing new to report, unfortunately.  While it is positive not to notice any worsening symptoms after a drop, it is also difficult for me to deal with the symptoms I have on a day-to-day basis.  I can only hope that as I drop down in dose, at some point this depression will lift and I'll gain back some of myself.  I am still terrified of how this is all going to go.  I am gearing up to do another small drop next week.  In the meantime, I am trying to take it day by day and accept this situation as much as I can.  I am so very grateful to have such amazing support, such as yourself, on this journey.  :)

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Kristine
59 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Hi Kristine - Thanks for stopping by!  Nothing new to report, unfortunately.  While it is positive not to notice any worsening symptoms after a drop, it is also difficult for me to deal with the symptoms I have on a day-to-day basis.  I can only hope that as I drop down in dose, at some point this depression will lift and I'll gain back some of myself.  I am still terrified of how this is all going to go.  I am gearing up to do another small drop next week.  In the meantime, I am trying to take it day by day and accept this situation as much as I can.  I am so very grateful to have such amazing support, such as yourself, on this journey.  :)

You are doing so well!  It can be disheartening to not notice many changes and be stuck in the day to day grind of dealing with these horrible symptoms. I'm so sorry you are dealing with depression...it's exhausting and soul destroying.  Like wading through mud with a giant lead weight on ones head.  However, as you said the best and sometimes the only way to deal with this, is acceptance...."this is the way it is now"..."and that's okay"...it saves sooo much energy and I feel diminishes its power.  I remember when I was a kid, I'd get scared that there was a monster under my bed or in the closet.  Sometimes I'd lie in bed for hours with the covers pulled over my head, fear would take over.  If I got up right away, turned on the light and saw there were no monsters, the fear would subside before it took hold.  Not that imaginary monsters should be compared with withdrawal! Withdrawal is not imaginary! However, I find if I fear "what is to come" it is futile because it sucks up the little energy I have, which I need to reserve for what "might" be around the next corner. Biggest of ((((hugs))) K xo

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wantrelief
45 minutes ago, Kristine said:

You are doing so well!  It can be disheartening to not notice many changes and be stuck in the day to day grind of dealing with these horrible symptoms. I'm so sorry you are dealing with depression...it's exhausting and soul destroying.  Like wading through mud with a giant lead weight on ones head.  However, as you said the best and sometimes the only way to deal with this, is acceptance...."this is the way it is now"..."and that's okay"...it saves sooo much energy and I feel diminishes its power.  I remember when I was a kid, I'd get scared that there was a monster under my bed or in the closet.  Sometimes I'd lie in bed for hours with the covers pulled over my head, fear would take over.  If I got up right away, turned on the light and saw there were no monsters, the fear would subside before it took hold.  Not that imaginary monsters should be compared with withdrawal! Withdrawal is not imaginary! However, I find if I fear "what is to come" it is futile because it sucks up the little energy I have, which I need to reserve for what "might" be around the next corner. Biggest of ((((hugs))) K xo

Thank you so much for this, Kristine.  You describe so well how I am feeling and the effects of dealing with this deep depression everyday.  I like your analogy - that is a great way to think about fear and how to try not to think ahead too much about what is to come.  You are so very wise!!

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Rosetta

Thinking of you, Wantrelief.  So sorry you are struggling.  -- Rosetta.  

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wantrelief
1 minute ago, Rosetta said:

Thinking of you, Wantrelief.  So sorry you are struggling.  -- Rosetta.  

Thanks so much for your message, Rosetta.  I really appreciate your message and for thinking about me, very sweet.  I am thinking about you and hope you are doing ok in this world of withdrawal.  It feels like we all live on some alternate planet or something but at least we are together!

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Downbutnotout

I read through your thread. I can relate to all your symptoms. I’m experiencing the exact same things. You had pointed that one out.  It’s not fun. I hope you feel some relief soon. It seems like you have had periods where you felt better. You certainly have a tremendous amount of patience. 

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Rosetta

Alternate universe, indeed. Thanks for your post on my thread.   You are in my thoughts.

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DMV64
On 3/8/2018 at 8:37 PM, wantrelief said:

I am still terrified of how this is all going to go.

Hello there!

I feel this way ALOT! Like I am scared to go to bed and face the morning. That Claire Weekes book has helped alot-floating through symptoms. For me alternating anxiety and depression. But there are windows. I try to note these so I can look back when I am feeling bad. Lots of love to you!

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Rosetta

Hi.  Checking in on you.  How is it going?

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wantrelief

 

3 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hi.  Checking in on you.  How is it going?

Hi Rosetta - Thanks for checking in on me, that is very sweet of you.  I am ok, no changes in my symptoms so I am going to do another small drop this week.  The last couple of days have been beautiful here - it has been nice to feel warmer, see the sun, beautiful blue sky and flowers blooming.  At the same time it makes me that much more aware of how I feel as everyone is out and about a lot more this time of year through the summer  I know, however, it is not helpful at all to compare myself to others.  I think I read on your thread that you were dreading daylight savings....me too.  For some reason it takes me awhile to adjust to the time change even when I am feeling well.  Let me know how you are doing when you get a chance.

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ChessieCat
1 hour ago, wantrelief said:

dreading daylight savings....me too.  For some reason it takes me awhile to adjust to the time change even when I am feeling well.

 

It's always taken me a couple of weeks to adjust whenever the clocks are changed.  I would have a difficult time travelling and changing time zones!

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Rosetta
3 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I think I read on your thread that you were dreading daylight savings....me too.  For some reason it takes me awhile to adjust to the time change even when I am feeling well.  Let me know how you are doing when you get a chance.

 

Yes, my daughter is trying to get over a cold.  She missed two mornings last week - her reading classes.  I cannot BELIEVE I have to drag her out of bed an hour earlier tomorrow.  Fingers crossed that I will feel ok when I wake up.

 

I'm hanging in there, Wantrelief.  It's been a crazy week with two bad nights and my moods changing quickly within hours.  I'm trying to "accept" and I'm very, very bad at it, lol.

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