Bamboo Healing, hopeful and scared

[Bamboo]

Wow... I don't really know where to start. I have been off AD for 6 month now and It has been a surrealist experience. I find myself struggling with insomnia at the moment but I will talk about my symptoms later. 

 

English is not my first language so I apologize in advance ;-) I am a 40 years old man. I lived my lived medication free until I was 30 years old. I have had anxiety probably since my teenage years with some OCD like symptoms. None of it was overwhelming. It was manageable with some ups and downs. I graduated from Law school and crossed half the world in 2003 to be with my wife, the love of my life. This was a wonderful time. I started my own business shortly after and became quite successful. My anxiety was running in the background but it was manageable. After self diagnosing myself with OCD, I started to see a psychiatrist. I remember thinking they were better than a therapist because they went to Med school and can prescribe medications.... How ironic when I think about it.... He confirmed that I have anxiety/OCD and I should be on Medication... the whole chemical imbalance theory.... I refused but kept on seeing him for a year or so for some talk therapy. After a while, he convinced me that I also had ADHD and I should take something. I caved in and was prescribed Straterra (SNRI). I was very naive at the time and did not do my research on medications. It is kind of a far away memory but I remember enjoying the effect but also struggling with anger and irritability. After a year or so, I quit CT. This all feel very blurry but I remember at some point after I stopped the medication (could be a year, maybe more, maybe less) I was starting to not feel very well. My wife got pregnant and I was working 80h/week. I was extremely stressed at work and was dealing with some toxic relations with family members. I had a breakdown. I was exhausted and at that point, I finally agreed to the doctor's recommendation to go on an AD. He said it would help both my stress, depression, anxiety and OCD. I know now that I really needed to take some time off and deal with some unresolved childhood issue and toxic family dynamics.

 

Here is a summary about my medication history :

 

2010 : Straterra for ADHD (don't remember the dosage) - Quit CT after a year.
2012 : Zoloft for a few days - Had terrible anxiety - Switched to Celexa.
2012 - Jan 2020 : Celexa 20mg ,then 40mg, then 60mg then 80mg (twice the recommended dosage because of my OCD diagnosis).
10/2019 to 03/2020 : Experimentation with Psychedelics drugs like Ketamine and Magic Mushrooms in controlled and uncontrolled environments.
01/2020 : Fast taper Celexa from 80mg to 0mg in two months. Cut the dosage in half every two weeks. I did not know about this website. 
03/2020 - 05/2020 : Severe withdrawals symptoms including depression, anger, anxiety, Suicidal thoughts... 
06/2020 : Reinstatement Zoloft - Adverse reaction with horrible anxiety.
06/2020 : Switched to Luvox - Even worst reaction with extremely deep depression and suicidal ideations - Hospitalized twice, once for a day, once for 3 days. Stopped Luvox and felt immediately better.
06/2020 - Switched back to Celexa 20 mg and checked in a private inpatient facility for 30 days to deal with what I thought was an organic depression. 
07/2020 - Switched to Zoloft 20mg then 40mg. Had adverse reaction - Horrible anxiety with Suicidal ideations.
07/2020 - Switched back to Celexa - Had averse reaction again with suicidal thoughts.
07/2020 - Stop Celexa 40mg CT after experiencing once again adverse reaction with suicidal thoughts. At that point, I realized after finding this website that I was in fact experiencing withdrawals symptoms the whole time and my brain could not tolerate any medication anymore.
08/2020 - Medication free

 

 

 

 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Shep
increased font to regular size

[Bamboo]

Right now, insomnia is my main problem. From 08/2020 until about 2 weeks ago, my sleep was not so bad. I was able to sleep 4-6 hours at night. I would usually go to bed around 10am and fall asleep right away. I would wake up around 3pm and sometime fall back asleep around 5pm for an hour or two. It wasn't great but I was able to function. Last week, my sleep started to deteriorate drastically. I now can't fall asleep. If I do, it is only for 45 minutes to an hour. Some night I get an hour of sleep or two, some nights I can't sleep at all. After 3 sleepless nights, I crash and sleep 11 hours straight. It is freaking me out. I almost feel like I have mania or I am turning bipolar. This is really my main anxiety right now. I am afraid that my long term use of AD and fast tapering has somehow made me bipolar.....

 

I went through all kind of withdrawals symptoms but was always and still is functioning since I became medication free six months ago. I experienced crazy emotions and mood swings, suicidal thoughts, crying spells, anger, insomnia, anxiety and depression. I did not really experience physical symptoms other than having a feeling of being electrocuted throughout my whole body twice right after I came off the AD. 

 

The anger and neurological-emotions have largely faded away. The suicidal ideations as well. I have never experienced a suicidal thought in my life until I came off the medication. It was a pretty traumatic experience. The crying spells are also much less frequent. I still experience mood swings. I sometime feel depressed and then feel somewhat good. My anxiety has been crippling up but it is still manageable. I am reluctant to blame my anxiety on the withdrawals because it was one of the reason I went on AD although it feels very different. It's more a general sense of anxiety for no specific reasons. I also had a pretty intense panic attack 4 days ago, thing I never had before.  Overall, I feel I have been improving a lot and had some great windows and some waves but the insomnia has gotten worse.  I also have a lot of health anxiety which seems to be a recurrent theme for people in withdrawal. The typical questions are : Am I ever gonna get better? How long is it gonna take? It is really withdrawal or? Am I going to be like that for years? Did I messed up my brain so bad that I will never heal? You get the picture.....

 

I'm blessed to have a wonderful wife who has been incredibly supportive throughout the whole process. I could not imagine going through that without her by my side. She is an amazing woman! I am also blessed that I am self employed and financially very stable and don't have to stress about going to a regular 8am to 5pm job. I can adjust my schedule based on my symptoms. We have a 10 year old son that I love dearly....

 

 

 

 

 

[Bamboo]

The supplements I am taking are 2400mg Fish oil and 250mg Magnesium citrate (by "Nature Made") every morning. I got on walks daily and play pickleball 3 times a week. I eat a very healthy diet with whole food, healthy fats, proteins, veggies and fruit. I am starting meditation again and acceptance. I see a therapist twice a week. 

[Shep]

Hi, Bamboo.

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

Please note I took the last part of your first post and placed it in a signature for you (your signature shows up underneath each of your posts). If you need to edit your signature, here is a direct link:

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

On 1/30/2021 at 8:48 AM, Bamboo said:

Right now, insomnia is my main problem. From 08/2020 until about 2 weeks ago, my sleep was not so bad. I was able to sleep 4-6 hours at night. I would usually go to bed around 10am and fall asleep right away.

 

Please see:

 

Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

 

On 1/30/2021 at 8:48 AM, Bamboo said:

It is freaking me out. I almost feel like I have mania or I am turning bipolar. This is really my main anxiety right now. I am afraid that my long term use of AD and fast tapering has somehow made me bipolar.....

 

Please note we don't subscribe to psychiatric labels here. They are nonsense. You have insomnia, which can cause all sorts of emotions and problems in daily living. That doesn't mean you have a "mental illness," whatever that means. 

 

Please see:

 

Again, chemical imbalance is a myth. Stop the lies, please.

 

It sounds like you were hit with delayed withdrawal. Antidepressants are notorious for causing a delay in withdrawal, which can happen several weeks or even a few months after stopping. That's not unusual. But it will pass in time. Please don't worry about developing some sort of "mental illness." You have withdrawal syndrome. 

 

 

On 1/30/2021 at 8:48 AM, Bamboo said:

 I am reluctant to blame my anxiety on the withdrawals because it was one of the reason I went on AD although it feels very different. It's more a general sense of anxiety for no specific reasons.  I also had a pretty intense panic attack 4 days ago, thing I never had before.  

 

Thank you for this, Bamboo. It's very insightful. Sometimes people will express this as a "chemical anxiety," meaning it's withdrawal related and not caused by any particular life event. That fact that you're already separating out what is your normal level of anxiety and what is related to withdrawal is very good. 

 

Mindfulness and breathing exercises can be very good for this. Learning to not attach or engage with any thoughts that arise from these intense feelings will help you breathe and float through them. 

 

Please see:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

 

On 1/30/2021 at 8:48 AM, Bamboo said:

 I also have a lot of health anxiety which seems to be a recurrent theme for people in withdrawal.

 

Yes, many people experience this. You may have already come across this in your readings: 

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria and obsession with symptoms

 

 

On 1/30/2021 at 8:48 AM, Bamboo said:

The typical questions are : Am I ever gonna get better? How long is it gonna take? It is really withdrawal or? Am I going to be like that for years? Did I messed up my brain so bad that I will never heal? You get the picture.....

 

These threads may help:

 

Are We There Yet? How Long Is Withdrawal Going To Take?

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Success stories: Recovery from withdrawal

 

On 1/30/2021 at 11:08 AM, Bamboo said:

The supplements I am taking are 2400mg Fish oil and 250mg Magnesium citrate (by "Nature Made") every morning. I got on walks daily and play pickleball 3 times a week. I eat a very healthy diet with whole food, healthy fats, proteins, veggies and fruit. I am starting meditation again and acceptance. I see a therapist twice a week. 

 

All good stuff, Bamboo. Sounds like you're really doing what you need to do to recover.

 

It sounds like you already know this, but at 6 months out, it's unlikely that reinstatement will help, so what you're already doing is what we would recommend - self care, a healthy diet, and the use of fish oil and magnesium.

 

It sounds like you're already making a lot of progress in your recovery. I hope you'll provide updates as you continue to recover. 

 

[Bamboo]

Thank you for the reply Shep. It feels good to be heard and supported. My last three nights of sleep were actually pretty good (8 hours, 9 hours and 6 hours). It is just such a nerve wrecking experience..... I think the hardest part is the feeling of having absolutely no control over your symptoms. You have no idea what or when it will hit you but I suspect there is also great lessons to be learned in the process.... One of them is that we are never really in control and that we must learn to accept and live life for what it is.... I will keep you updated as the weeks, months and years go by

[Shep]

On 2/2/2021 at 12:38 PM, Bamboo said:

Thank you for the reply Shep. It feels good to be heard and supported. My last three nights of sleep were actually pretty good (8 hours, 9 hours and 6 hours). It is just such a nerve wrecking experience..... I think the hardest part is the feeling of having absolutely no control over your symptoms. You have no idea what or when it will hit you but I suspect there is also great lessons to be learned in the process.... One of them is that we are never really in control and that we must learn to accept and live life for what it is.... I will keep you updated as the weeks, months and years go by

 

Brilliant post, Bamboo. The concept of "symptoms as teachers and guides" comes to mind. 

 

You may like this thread on acceptance. Please feel free to add to it with wise posts such as you've written here in your intro. 

 

Acceptance

[Bamboo]

It has been almost three weeks since my last post. My sleep has somewhat improved. I had a few sleepless nights but I have consistently gotten anywhere between 5 and 8 hours of sleep in the last 7 days. I had a decent week with some good moments of calm and centeredness. However, these last few days, I find myself struggling with anxiety. I have intrusive thoughts and a lots of health anxiety. I used to be worried that I developed mania because of the SSRI when I could not sleep. I now am afraid that my old OCD has morphed and came back with a vengeance. I ruminate a lot about how I will never get back to the person I was before being on SSRI. I also look back at every single time I was not well prior to being on SSRI and think that I was never well and will be like that for the rest of my life. I am afraid that now that I am off SSRI, I will develop an extreme OCD that is far harder to manage than before. My thoughts are racing at the moment....

 

I am having a hard time understanding wether I am having withdrawal symptoms or if my OCD came back with a vengeance, but with a new theme..... It's been a tough few days. I have hopes that I am just experiencing withdrawals symptoms as I have read many threads with people experiencing this kind of fear but maybe I am just in denial or seeing reassurance? Arg... I am just confused and tired right now..... Maybe I am just not accepting things for what they are at the moment....

 

Other than that, I had some good moments with some feelings of contentment and centeredness. It's kind of weird, I can feel good and horrible almost in the same minute....

[Shep]

20 hours ago, Bamboo said:

I have intrusive thoughts and a lots of health anxiety. I used to be worried that I developed mania because of the SSRI when I could not sleep. I now am afraid that my old OCD has morphed and came back with a vengeance. I ruminate a lot about how I will never get back to the person I was before being on SSRI. I

 

Please see:

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD: Repetitive, intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors

 

Try not to let the thoughts spiral. This thread explains more:

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

You may want to make a lists of distractions that can break the thought-spiral. Here's more: 

 

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms

[Bamboo]

I wanted to check in for a quick update. I have been quite a lot on this website other the last month and have read ALL the success stories multiple times. It is very comforting to know that it does get better but also very scary knowing that it can take years to get there. 

The last few days have been pretty rough and my sleep is deteriorating again. I also noticed a significant increase in my anxiety. I woke up this morning with a pretty intense anxiety throughout my whole body. It seems to be fading slowly as the day goes by. My mind is racing like crazy and I have a lot of health anxiety. I am also very sensitive to any stressors and can't really watch TV at the moment. It seems to trigger too many negative emotions. I am also very confused about all the emotions I am experiencing. What is the real me and what is just withdrawals? 

At the same time, Last week, I was at a work appointment and I remember telling myself "I feel almost normal and well at this very moment". I am also not feeling depressed like I did a month ago.  

I have never been the journaling kind of guy but part of me wants to document my journey on this website. I feel it could be beneficial for me but maybe also to other people WHEN (my mind says IF but I choose to write WHEN) I get to the other side. 

[Gridley]

15 minutes ago, Bamboo said:

I also noticed a significant increase in my anxiety.

I've found this restorative yoga pose very helpful with anxiety.

 

10 minute Restorative Yoga for Relaxation | Up the wall

 

19 minutes ago, Bamboo said:

My mind is racing like crazy and I have a lot of health anxiety. I am also very sensitive to any stressors and can't really watch TV at the moment. It seems to trigger too many negative emotions. I am also very confused about all the emotions I am experiencing. What is the real me and what is just withdrawals? 

 

Sounds like withdrawal to me, or adverse reaction symptoms (which are very similar).

[Jennings]

Hey Bamboo,

 

I also am med free since 8/20.  My symptoms are very similar to yours, the anxiety and insomnia are hell.

 

I too cannot handle stressors or watch TV.  It’s terrible.

[Bamboo]

14 hours ago, Gridley said:

I've found this restorative yoga pose very helpful with anxiety.

 

10 minute Restorative Yoga for Relaxation | Up the wall

 

 

Sounds like withdrawal to me, or adverse reaction symptoms (which are very similar).

Thank you Gridley, I will give it a try

[Bamboo]

10 hours ago, Jennings said:

Hey Bamboo,

 

I also am med free since 8/20.  My symptoms are very similar to yours, the anxiety and insomnia are hell.

 

I too cannot handle stressors or watch TV.  It’s terrible.

Hey Jennings

 

Yes, it is quite difficult. I had a pretty good panic attack last night but I am determined to heal. We should stay in touch and support each other.

[Bamboo]

Last night and this morning, I have been listening to Claire Weeks audiobooks on how to overcome “nervous illness”. Very inspiring.... The key is “acceptance”. 
It is a concept I really need to work on and apply in my life. I have been running away from my anxiety all my life. I need to accept things for what they are, thoughts for what they are and situations for what they are. Only then will I find healing. I must see this journey as a teacher, a learning experience on acceptance because it is the only way out of it. 
Healing and prayers to all. We will get to the other side!!!!