Greatful: Is this withdrawal or too many med changes at once?

[Cheeky]

@Greatful I’m so sorry your feeling like this, it’s just a wave and  you will see a window soon.  We are all here for you . Keep coming here if you need support. 

[DiscJockey]

Hi @GreatfulI am reading your thread and relating to it. I feel not alone reading it. I am currently in the mix of a prozac bridge gone wrong. If you read my last post, it is all there. I am terrified right now and feel stuck. Like whatever drug I put in my body is going to cause havoc. I just want to stabilize and be ok, so then I can taper without doing all this switching around. 

 

Glad you got people here supporting you, thought Id reach out, happy healing.

 

 

[Greatful]

@Gridley @Hibari  I noticed you both had good luck with L Theanine.  I have been using it for several months and could feel the calming affect. I was taking a store brand,  I was taking 200mg once a day.  Read on here that I should get sun theanine.  So I bought some L Theanine with suntheanine came in 150mg tablet.  I have been taking it for about a week and I don't notice the calming effect, in fact my anxiety has gone up almost some panic.  My questions are 1.  do you have to taper this?  I dropped from 200mg a day to 150mg could I have w/d from L Theanine.  2.  Should I go to two capsules = 300mg a day  3.  should I go back to the old brand that was working  4.  Should I stop taking it all together.  I am on xanax but the old brand worked just fine.    I also increased my Omega 3 because I was told that what I was taking was a very low dose.  

This so frustrating worrying over every thing you put in your mouth.   

Thanks I appreciate any advice 

[KenA]

On 7/23/2021 at 8:59 PM, Greatful said:

@Gridley @Hibari  I noticed you both had good luck with L Theanine.  I have been using it for several months and could feel the calming affect. I was taking a store brand,  I was taking 200mg once a day.  Read on here that I should get sun theanine.  So I bought some L Theanine with suntheanine came in 150mg tablet.  I have been taking it for about a week and I don't notice the calming effect, in fact my anxiety has gone up almost some panic.  My questions are 1.  do you have to taper this?  I dropped from 200mg a day to 150mg could I have w/d from L Theanine.  2.  Should I go to two capsules = 300mg a day  3.  should I go back to the old brand that was working  4.  Should I stop taking it all together.  I am on xanax but the old brand worked just fine.    I also increased my Omega 3 because I was told that what I was taking was a very low dose.  

This so frustrating worrying over every thing you put in your mouth.   

Thanks I appreciate any advice 

@Greatful I never took any suplements cause I didnt wanna take anything that could interfere with my healing, but I would assume that any supplement that could affect your CNS would need to be tapered! I personally just cut off everything, but that was just me wishing you the best!! Hang in there!!

[Gridley]

On 7/23/2021 at 8:59 PM, Greatful said:

3.  should I go back to the old brand that was working  4.  Should I stop taking it all together. 

I would suggest either 3 or 4.  I quit theanine around 3 years ago just because it didn't seem to be helping and I didn't want to complicate matters.  I still take magnesium and omegas.  I think they help a bit.  Time really is the only cure, and in th meantime taking good care of yourself.

[Greatful]

@Gridley  Do you have to taper?  Can I stop and wait a  few days and try again later?

Thanks

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Can I stop and wait a  few days and try again later?

The new brand doesn't seem to be agreeing with you.  I just stopped the theanine.

I didn't have any trouble just stopping but everyone's different.  Depending on how negative the effect of the new brand is, you could drop by 1/2 for a week, then stop.

 

[Mia1]

Hi Greatful,

Just wanted to check in today and see how you are doing?

 

 I think you’ll be okay just stopping the supplement, especially if it’s causing a bad reaction. I would be careful with supplements because of this reason. Last summer I tried SO many different things, some didn’t do anything and some activated my CNS. I just stick with fish oil and magnesium now. 

 

[Greatful]

@Mia1  Thanks for stopping by.  I am still struggling a little.  The nausea is up again.  I don't know why I am having such a hard time redirecting myself.  I do feel some change and I know that I am a little better than 1 month ago.  I think the not accepting is a big part of the problem.  I have so much resistance to my W/D. 

 

I have been able to do do some more E/R.  Our 1 daughter that lives in Chicago, her and her husband and 2 daughter were in town for a couple of days and were staying at one of my other daughters house.  My husband and I went to visit with them for a few hours.  When they were here in June I couldn't get together with them.  So the visit went pretty well.  I had a couple of panicking feelings start but was able to calm myself down.  But I could only stay for a couple of hours.  When we left my head was spinning from the stimulation.  Then I felt sad in the car because I  couldn't stay and enjoy things like I would have before.  I saw glimpses of my old self some of the time when we were there.  I know that some of my resistance comes from not thinking of the progress and feeling positive instead it went to the negative and how bad I want this to go away and to get back to being able to socialize again.  There again old thinking patterns.  I should use the old saying the glass is half full.  I know it will come down to me in the end.  I will have to come to terms with this. I suppose this is part of the full healing in while we are in this journey.  Reclaiming yourself and personal growth.  Man why does it have to be so hard.😰  Oh yea I'm making it hard😡  I get it.  It is up to me accept😬

 

Maybe next week I will try and work on some small projects in the house.  We ended picking up a new vanity top for my bathroom so I think I will try and get the old grout out of the floor and re-grout.  I can't keep sitting around.  Maybe this is a sign that some healing is taking place if I am actually thinking of projects.  It would have even to hard to put the energy or  thought together long enough not long ago.  

 

I am a little stressed, my co-workers get together at one of the workers house every summer for a meet back up in the summer.  She has a wonderful under ground pool and it is this week.  I  don't know if I am strong enough to go.  Which then puts that "I want my life back " negativity back in my body.  I guess I will wait until and see how I feel when it is time for me to make a decision.  Pressure, Pressure.

 

Have you ever looked at this site.  It is another site on withdrawals and so much information.  https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/page/wondering-where-start

I was reading about how they pass drugs through the FDA.  I sure hope this information get out.  They also have a page on w/d symptoms and coping techniques.  There is a lot more but I will have to spend more time on it.

 

How was your weekend?

 

To bad we aren't sitting together by a pool (it's been so hot here)drinking something cool and actually visiting.  And of course @KittenLePurr would right there.  Hey, wait a second, I think 🥰 we would be at her place by the ocean YEA that's where we would be.  Being around water, I don't care if it is river, stream, lake, ocean even a pool is so relaxing.🥰

 

Thanks for the visit❤️❤️  I guess I was chatty

 

[Mia1]

56 minutes ago, Greatful said:

I do feel some change and I know that I am a little better than 1 month ago. 

This is fantastic news and I do believe this is only going to keep getting better despite having waves. Considering how many med changes you’ve had in a year you’re doing remarkably well.  And you’re working on projects!! This alone shows me how much healing has been done both mentally and physically.

 

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

I am a little stressed, my co-workers get together at one of the workers house every summer for a meet back up in the summer.  She has a wonderful under ground pool and it is this week.  I  don't know if I am strong enough to go. 

Remember, we place the importance on an event, everything is actually neutral. If you can go then great and if you can’t then that’s great too. Right now your priority is you and doing things that will promote your healing. Don’t get lost in the story of your mind. The only pressure we have is the pressure we create!!

 

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Have you ever looked at this site.  It is another site on withdrawals and so much information.  https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/page/wondering-where-start

I’ve never heard of this, I appreciate you sharing. I’ll definitely check it out.

59 minutes ago, Greatful said:

My husband and I went to visit with them for a few hours.  When they were here in June I couldn't get together with them.  So the visit went pretty well.  I had a couple of panicking feelings start but was able to calm myself down. 

This is also fantastic news and shows how much you have healed in a short time, I’m really proud of you. ❤️

 

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Then I felt sad in the car because I  couldn't stay and enjoy things like I would have before.  I saw glimpses of my old self some of the time when we were there.  I know that some of my resistance comes from not thinking of the progress and feeling positive instead it went to the negative and how bad I want this to go away and to get back to being able to socialize again.  There again old thinking patterns.  I should use the old saying the glass is half full.  I know it will come down to me in the end.  I will have to come to terms with this. I suppose this is part of the full healing in while we are in this journey.  Reclaiming yourself and personal growth.  Man why does it have to be so hard.😰  Oh yea I'm making it hard😡  I get it.  It is up to me accept😬

You’ve stated this beautifully. I used to do this a lot, just wanting things to be like they were before w/d. Wanting to be myself and feel well. But who was I on this medication? Getting to know myself without medication, all my weaknesses and strengths have been a gift I wouldn’t trade for anything.

 

Of course I would like to feel well again but I honestly think that this was the way I needed to “wake up” and that I may have very well been on medication for the rest of my life. So if I’m sick now for a while it’s worth it to not be asleep for the rest of my life.

 

And just think of everything we’re learning that we wouldn’t have without having gone through this process. How strong and unshakable we are becoming. Life is just going to be that much sweeter because of this and not in spite of it, believe it!!

 

So yes, do what you can during this process but then accept the rest. I like saying the beginning of the serenity prayer throughout the day “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have found that very helpful.

 

You have incredible wisdom, insight and awareness and have cultivated this is a relatively short period of time. And you really understand how it works with acceptance. Keep practicing, it only gets better!!

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

To bad we aren't sitting together by a pool (it's been so hot here)drinking something cool and actually visiting.  And of course @KittenLePurr would right there.  Hey, wait a second, I think 🥰 we would be at her place by the ocean YEA that's where we would be.  Being around water, I don't care if it is river, stream, lake, ocean even a pool is so relaxing.🥰

I would LOVE this, just hanging with you guys by the water. It’s funny how I can feel so close to people I never met but I do, thank you for your friendship ❤️🌈

[Mia1]

How are you doing today @Greatful?

[Greatful]

@Mia1 Hanging in there.  I swear I need a nurse to hand me my meds.  I took my 8am meds

1 &1/2 Lamictal (25mg tab & 12.5mg) vit c  Omega.  Went for my walk, feeling about the same as I have been.  Around 10:30 I felt a shift in my mood and brain.  Thinking started to scrabble more. Brain getting tighter feeling.  Around 12 went in the house to make lunch, what do I see on the counter, my 25mg Lamictal.  So I took it but my symptoms became worse.  I started to get caught between my brain making some common sense then turned to utter despair  and thoughts running through my mind about not being normal and I don't belong here I am to sick.  I mean to the 10th degree.  I can relate when they say that W/D morphs your emotions. You can't trust your thoughts.  So all my low self-esteem I felt, was telling me I was never going to be a normal confident person. I could utterly feel the pain of unworthiness.  I felt so utterly out there.  I tried to stay busy and vacuum my bedroom, under the bed, around the walls.  Thank goodness my husband was home to hold me.  I was so scared.  It took until about 2- 2:30 before things started to make a little more sense in my brain.  I guess I am really sensitive right now.  I better make sure to count the meds before I put them in my mouth.  

 

The last few days or so I have been going in and out of D/R, I'm  part of the world and I belong here to not being a part of the world. Some rational thinking then that goes away and back to not rational thinking.  Morphed unworthiness and like I don't belong or will ever heal emotionally.  

 

 I am going to look at it as I am healing.  I am not spending 80% of the time trying to stay in the world and now I have some common sense that  keeps popping up more often.  Does that make sense?  It is really showing me the dysfunction in my brain that I have been trying to deal with.  Like I am trying to swim to the surface to belong and think clearly but can't quite break the surface.  I don't know, all I can say is this is really weird.

  

Which brings me to a question.  Can you have  D/R even while you are on ssri's?  I would experience these out of the world feeling sometimes while I was on ssri's.

 

Do you have anymore guided meditations?

Did you get a chance to look at that other site?  It is really a big site.  They mention SA on it 

How are you doing?

Thanks for thinking of me ☺️

[Greatful]

 

[Cheeky]

43 minutes ago, Greatful said:

started to get caught between my brain making some common sense then turned to utter despair  and thoughts running through my mind about not being normal and I don't belong here I am to sick.  I mean to the 10th degree.  I can relate when they say that W/D morphs your emotions. You can't trust your thoughts. 

You have taken the words out of my mouth. This is how my thought go, I can do very relate to this. 

[Cheeky]

45 minutes ago, Greatful said:

Like I am trying to swim to the surface to belong and think clearly but can't quite break the surface.  I don't know, all I can say is this is really weird.

You describe this so well. That’s been happening to me

[Cheeky]

Hang in there lovely, it’s so hard to live like this in a wave but me must push through.

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  Thanks for stopping by.  I can tell you I was really scared today.😰  I am really seeing how much destruction that these meds have done to my brain.  It is nice to know I am not alone, but feel sorry for anyone else that has to go through this.  And it reaffirms that we can not trust our thoughts, they are very distorted at times.

 

  It makes my heart break when I read new members intro's.  The pain, panic , hopelessness and utter surprise that taking or stopping these meds could do that to them. ( sound familiar)  Then there are the ones whos doctors just can't understand why they are having these symptoms.(Like mine).  No support or answers from the doctors.  

Check out this site.  It is pretty big.  They mention SA.  Lot's of information

 

https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/page/wondering-where-start

 

https://www.theinnercompass.org/learn-unlearn/intervention/how-psychiatric-drugs-are-researched-and-marketed

This part of the site talks about how drug trails are done.

 

 

How are you doing Cheeky?❤️

Hang in there.

I made it through another day and you are starting a new day.  

We really need to keep this simple and not think to far ahead.  One day at a time

[Cheeky]

15 minutes ago, Greatful said:

nice to know I am not alone

Your definitely not, I’m here with you all the way.

[Cheeky]

16 minutes ago, Greatful said:

 

@Cheeky  Thanks for stopping by.  I can tell you I was really scared today.😰  I am really seeing how much destruction that these meds have done to my brain.  It is nice to know I am not alone, but feel sorry for anyone else that has to go through this.  And it reaffirms that we can not trust our thoughts, they are very distorted at times.

 

  It makes

 

 

16 minutes ago, Greatful said:

It makes my heart break when I read new members intro's.  The pain, panic , hopelessness and utter surprise that taking or stopping these meds could do that to them. ( sound familiar) 

Yes that was me in 2015. If I hadn’t done my research, I would’ve ended up being drugged. These poor people that come here are so desperate for relief, I feel so sorry for them, in one way there the lucky ones  because at least they know there not alone. . How can tbig Pharma do this to people, we were vulnerable from the beginning going on them and now this.

[Cheeky]

28 minutes ago, Greatful said:

How are you doing Cheeky?❤️

Hang in there.

I made it through another day and you are starting a new day.  

We really need to keep this simple and not think to far ahead.  One day at a time

I was feeling good for a week and thought I was coming out of it then yesterday was hit hard. I can become so desperate when I’m like that and my thoughts are all so  consuming . I just have to stop worrying about my future, I just won’t off these drugs so much. The though it going to take years and years are so disheartening.

Anyway it is what it is. I’m 44years old so hopefully when I’m  60 I can be the person I once was.

I will be with you on this journey 🌈

[Mia1]

12 hours ago, Greatful said:

my 25mg Lamictal.  So I took it but my symptoms became worse.  I started to get caught between my brain making some common sense then turned to utter despair  and thoughts running through my mind about not being normal and I don't belong here I am to sick.  I mean to the 10th degree. 

I can relate to this, because of my brain fog I had been repeatedly forgetting at least one Klonopin dose on a weekly basis. The symptoms were so intense and I would feel the terror you describe. I’m sorry you went through that. I now have a system in place where it makes it more difficult for me to forget.

 

 On a positive note at least you really see it is w/d and not you, that’s something to hang onto when you start to question yourself. I’m happy your husband was home to support and comfort you.

 

12 hours ago, Greatful said:

Which brings me to a question.  Can you have  D/R even while you are on ssri's?  I would experience these out of the world feeling sometimes while I was on ssri's.

 I would imagine so, these are very powerful drugs that effect our brain in so many ways. The dp/dr is common during w/d but it will go away. For me one of the most frustrating and confusing things about healing is that it’s not linear. But we know healing is taking place every day so it’s a good reminder to tell yourself this.

 

 I’m doing well, I still have symptoms but it’s manageable. I shift my focus off my symptoms as much as I can during the day. If I find that I’m thinking about it too much I start imagining what it’s going to feel like when I’m well, what I’m going to do, etc. I find it really helpful and suggest you try it if you get stuck in negative thoughts, get stuck in pleasant thoughts instead. And of course it’s retraining the brain off your symptoms.

 

12 hours ago, Greatful said:

Do you have anymore guided meditations?

I love this guided meditation for letting go.

 

 

 

[Yersinia]

Hi @Greatful - I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I just wanted to tell you that you’re a great person and the kindness you show towards new people at SA is wonderful to see. (I can’t think of a good way to say what I want to say but hopefully you get the gist).  

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  I am wondering now if some of the disconnect in our thinking is also coming from the ssri's  As far as I can remember (been on them for over 20yrs) I pretty much felt like I was trying to break through a barrier to think more clearly or functional.  I now have another incentive to get off these drugs.  I am hoping to find out that if my cognitive issues will clear and I won't have to work so hard at trying to think, then maybe my depression will clear because I can actually think with some clarity with out forcing it.  I seems like when I have some common sense clear thinking my mood is better and when the struggle to think sets in my mood will falls.  Does that make any sense to you?   You do here many people complain that the lose their  creative part and loss their need to be around people and they turn blah.  I can feel it in my head in the front of my brain, it will feel tight and blocked in the front sometimes like someone is squeezing it. Your frontal lobe that controls emotions expression, thinking, planning, problem solving, creativity Judgement, behavior control.  Here is a link to a brain diagram that explain all the areas in the brain and  what they control.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/598486237986936029/

@Mia1   Us three have been on meds  for awhile and I guess are brains have some healing to do.  But get excited that the meds will not be in the way of our brain function.  We will not have to work so hard to think. 😁

 

[Greatful]

@Yersinia  Thank you for the kind words.  They all help in keeping motivated in moving forward.  It is really helpful to know you are not alone on this journey.

Again I want to say, you are doing a great job holding it together and learning, as we all have to in how to navigate through the mine field of recovery.❤️

[Yersinia]

💜💚💜

[Greatful]

@Mia1  I am going to do a huge E/R today.  I am going too  go to the pool party for with my co-workers.😬.  I will be telling me these are my fears, and they don't mean anything else,  there is nothing to fear.  It is all in my mind!  They are just thought and I don't have to engage with them. 

You will be in my mind telling me acceptance, acceptance♥️ Most important is God will be with me.

I will let you know how it goes💪

[Mia1]

20 minutes ago, Greatful said:

  I am going to do a huge E/R today.  I am going too  go to the pool party for with my co-workers.😬.  I will be telling me these are my fears, and they don't mean anything else,  there is nothing to fear.  It is all in my mind!  They are just thought and I don't have to engage with them. 

You will be in my mind telling me acceptance, acceptance♥️ Most important is God will be with me.

I will let you know how it goes💪

This is AMAZING and it’s ultimately how we overcome any fear, by facing it. I like to remind myself the only way out is through!!You’re very strong @Greatful have a wonderful time 💖

[siderale]

Hello Greatful and good luck for today! You are fighting so hard. Little by little, it is paying off. I hope relief comes your way soon, keep it up, I wish you a wonderful day ♥

[Greatful]

@siderale  Thank you, I appreciate any help I can get.  This is a rough and messy road we have to travel through.

 

You have a fabulous trip😊 

 

Remember you are a courageous woman and I am very proud of you.  The strength and will power   you have AMAZES me.❤️

[Greatful]

@Mia1   Well I did it‼️  The first 2 hours were not to bad.  My brain was a little clear.  Spent most of the time in the pool with 2 other girls. The host came out and visited for a little while, the  rest stayed in the house, very hot out.  Anyway that helped keep the stimulation down.  Buuttt after 2 hrs I could feel the fatigue start and then the brain started it's numbing and squeezing, some buzzing, thinking and following conversations started getting harder, and then the ocd social anxiety was harder to control. I made it just shy of 3 hours.   I paid for it,  I got home and was kind of a mess.  My mind was in a panic, very intense, couldn't think straight, fatigued and tearful. Changed out of my wet swimsuit, went right away in the bedroom under my weighted blanket and meditated.

Brain sensations( tingling, burning , my usual brain sensations)  have been a mess since.  Can you say over STIMULATION!  I hope it doesn't send me into a bad wave🤪

But I did it.  Not to long ago I would have said no way.

[Cheeky]

9 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky  I am wondering now if some of the disconnect in our thinking is also coming from the ssri's  As far as I can remember (been on them for over 20yrs) I pretty much felt like I was trying to break through a barrier to think more clearly or functional.  I now have another incentive to get off these drugs.  I am hoping to find out that if my cognitive issues will clear and I won't have to work so hard at trying to think, then maybe my depression will clear because I can actually think with some clarity with out forcing it.  I seems like when I have some common sense clear thinking my mood is better and when the struggle to think sets in my mood will falls.  Does that make any sense to you?   You do here many people complain that the lose their  creative part and loss their need to be around people and they turn blah.  I can feel it in my head in the front of my brain, it will feel tight and blocked in the front sometimes like someone is squeezing it. Your frontal lobe that controls emotions expression, thinking, planning, problem solving, creativity Judgement, behavior control.  Here is a link to a brain diagram that explain all the areas in the brain and  what they control.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/598486237986936029/

@Mia1   Us three have been on meds  for awhile and I guess are brains have some healing to do.  But get excited that the meds will not be in the way of our brain function.  We will not have to work so hard to think. 😁

 

I completely agree with what you said, to me I feel that since my medication is less then half of what is use to be , I see things more clearly and have no so  much more energy. I spent 20 years of my life half asleep , my family used to make fun at me for it. I could never get out of bed in the morning and would always have to have a sleep during the day. I have always been a high achiever in my work and family life , but I think I would’ve been unstoppable if it wasn’t for the sedating affects of these drugs. When I was only on 20mg  I was functioning pretty good,  I was at my highest at 50mg Paxil and 50mg Seroquel , I was a walking Zombie and 14kg overweight and didn’t even exercise.  I even think who I will be when I’m off. Will  I be the same person, will I put up with things that don’t make me happy and stick  up for myself for once.  My mind is clearer and I see things differently. I do understand what your saying.

[Mia1]

13 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Mia1   Well I did it‼️

Good for you @Greatfulsee how strong you are??💪

 

13 hours ago, Greatful said:

 I paid for it,  I got home and was kind of a mess.  My mind was in a panic, very intense, couldn't think straight, fatigued and tearful. Changed out of my wet swimsuit, went right away in the bedroom under my weighted blanket and meditated.

Brain sensations( tingling, burning , my usual brain sensations)  have been a mess since.  Can you say over STIMULATION!  I hope it doesn't send me into a bad wave🤪

It does sound like it was a little too stimulating but you DID it!! You didn’t let fear decide for you, you took a chance. This is the definition of courage. You do really good self care so I would be surprised if it throws you in a wave. 

 

13 hours ago, Greatful said:

But I did it.  Not to long ago I would have said no way

You’re making such good progress and you are inspiring me to do more with people, thank you!!❤️🙏

[Mia1]

I just read this Ralph Waldo Emerson quote and thought of you: “ Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.”

 

How are you doing today?

[Cheeky]

Hey @Greatfulhow you doing ?

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  So, so. Feeling some low mood.  Some fatigue.  Trying not to get sucked down the neg tube.  I feel like I am fighting a constant fear for the last few days.  Panicky.  

Can we have a few days of peace😰.  It can  be very frustrating too feel like you are almost back to some small amount of  sanity, but can't quite get over the line.  I really need to look at it as a positive sign.  Right!

I wonder if I have some Xanax W/D along with the other drug W/D.  I guess at this point it really doesn't matter.

 

Here is a weird one for you,  Can half of you feel happy and then the other half of you feel down?

I was out for my walk this morning and felt some joy but also felt some low mood at the same time.  Crazy Crazy Crazy.

 

How about you?  

Are you still up at night? 

How is the patch working out?  I quit smoking about 30 years ago.  That was pretty hard.   I would  smoke in my dreams for many, many years. (that usually meant I was stressed  about something).

 

Hang in there.

Have a super day🤩

 

[Cheeky]

2 minutes ago, Greatful said:

  It can  be very frustrating too feel like you are almost back to some small amount of  sanity, but can't quite get over the line

That’s me at the moment, if I can just get there, so zi can think clearly about what zim going to do.