Surviving82: My story, WD from antidepressants, please help

[Phoenixmama]

On 6/23/2021 at 10:24 AM, Surviving82 said:

I wanted to write an update on my symptoms.

 

I seem to be getting a tad bit better every day lately. Fingers crossed this trend continues. 

 

The most noticeable improvements as of today:

- Sleep pretty much normal. Go to bed at 9PM, fall asleep quickly, and sleep until 6 or 7AM. Do wake up at night a couple times but I always did, since I had kids. Able to go back to sleep quickly and no cortisol jolts. 

- Appetite is 80% normalized. 

- GI issues, mainly diarrhea and nausea, are 80% improved. 

- Every day after about 5PM I start feeling pretty much back to my old self. This puzzles me greatly, as of why such consistency? But I take it with gratitude. 

- Anxiety during the day is at least 50% reduced, and maybe even up to 80% reduced at times. 

- Weird disautonomia symptoms are still there, randomly popping up, but are much less in intensity. 

- I start getting back interest in things that I used to enjoy. For example, I am looking forward to a family vacation.

 

What still remains:

- Daily feeling of jitteriness/anxiety/restlessness is still there, usually starts building up from the time I wake up and culminates about 11AM to 2PM, and then gradually declines. Although it's intensity has lately been about 50% of what used to be at the worst. And seems to be going down slowly as the time goes by. 

This is just like me !!!! You explained it so well omg , when ever I’m on SA and going through it I’m at work from 8am to 1:30 pm then it starts to mellow out 

[Rosetta]

Really good news for both of you.  @Phoenixmama It makes it easier to make it through the day knowing that you will get that break in the evening.  Don’t be tempted to stay up late enjoying the time you are more relaxed.  You may not get enough sleep, especially if you are having early wake ups and/or cortisol jolts awake with immediate anxiety.  You need to go to bed early and get as much sleep as possible.

[Surviving82]

@Phoenixmama, oh wow so interesting. Thank you for sharing. It is always comforting to know that im not alone. I also recently started having the whole days when I feel better, ok pretty much the whole day. But they are rare, maybe 2 times a week now. However, even on my worse days I'm not that bad anymore. I am not disabled with weirdness and I can push it aside for the most part, although if requires quite a bit of effort. I do still have bouts of unexplained anxiety, and weird head pressure with tinnitus, leg weakness, sweating, chest pressure, muscle tightness, and lightheadness, especially during my worst hours. But they seem to be gradually getting less intense. Sometimes I get these unexplained attacks of intense dread and panic, but they don't last long anymore, maybe for a few minutes. However, come evening time i become relaxed and can enjoy the things I used to enjoy, like playing with my kids or watching a movie. Oh Goodness. I need to be patient with healing as it cannot be rushed. Sometimes I get frustrated with the "slow" progress but then I remind myself that 6+ weeks ago I wasn't even able to function most of the time and was getting no sleep, so I've come a long way. Everything will improve on its own time. 

[Surviving82]

14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Really good news for both of you.  @Phoenixmama It makes it easier to make it through the day knowing that you will get that break in the evening.  Don’t be tempted to stay up late enjoying the time you are more relaxed.  You may not get enough sleep, especially if you are having early wake ups and/or cortisol jolts awake with immediate anxiety.  You need to go to bed early and get as much sleep as possible.

@Rosetta, yes this is very true. Sleep is super important. I usually go to bed around 9 to 9 30pm and it is so weird, usually im not very sleepy, yet I fall asleep almost immediately. I guess my body is so tired, it just shuts down. 

 

Right now I'm laying down and feel my whole body low grade buzzing. This is so bizarre. Im not anxious or restless but it feels like there is a stream of electricity flowing through me. It doesn't make me anxious because I know this will go away soon, but it is so odd, especially since I tend to experience this around the same time every day. @Phoenixmama, @Rosetta, have you experienced this? 

[Surviving82]

On 6/24/2021 at 8:02 PM, Altostrata said:

 

This is good, as are all the other improvements you've mentioned. When someone is on the road to natural healing, we don't want to fix something that's not broken. Please remember your nervous system may still be in a vulnerable state, don't overdo anything, be sure to get good sleep.

 

Good to hear you're working on refocusing and other self-soothing methods. This will be very helpful in your recovery. You may continue to feel blips or waves of withdrawal symptoms. This is normal for withdrawal.

@Altostrata, thank you so much for the kind words of support! Yes my CNS is still very vulnerable, I know it because my stress tolerance is way down. I have never been the most stress resistant person, but now it is basically non existent. Thankfully my life at the moment is very low stress (other than this WD thing), and i hope with all my heart that nothing too stressful will happen soon. I fear that may throw me back in the dark hole. But I try not to focus on that and just be grateful every day for my good spirits and continued healing. 

 

@Altostrata, I wanted to ask you about this. On Tuesday I have a follow up appt with my psychiatrist. What do I tell him? That i felt meds were making me worse, and i stopped them and now I'm gradually feeling better? Idk if I should go into any details about WD, he already told me it wasn't possible to be WD so why bother. I really don't need anything from him at the moment but I wanted to keep a relationship with him, because you never know. I hope not but I may need him for something in the future, this whole thing is highly unpredictable. Thank you so much once again for your help and support!

[Altostrata]

I don't know your relationship with your psychiatrist. You should keep in mind he is working for you, he's like a consultant you hired. If you don't feel you can say this to him, why is he still on your payroll?

 

23 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

That i felt meds were making me worse, and i stopped them and now I'm gradually feeling better?

 

If I were you, I'd cancel the appointment, save the money, and write him a polite letter about your bad experience for his edification.

 

Any doctor can prescribe psychiatric drugs, it doesn't have to be a psychiatrist. It doesn't appear this one can help you much anyway. 

[Surviving82]

@Altostrata, you are right- he isn't very helpful at the moment. But to be fair, I've been treated by him for a long time until all this started happening. Whatever he advised was always working well- until this incident. He has been treating patients for over 30 years and he has relatively good bedside manners (compared to other psychiatrists I've seen), so until recently I was quite confident in him and believed that I was "in good hands". I would have fired him if I had at least a small hope that I can find someone who is better. Unfortunately, I don't have such hope. I've been through many docs and psychiatrists over the years and they all were even worse. I will consider writing him a letter in the future though. But for my apt in 3 days, I guess I just have to roll with the flow and tell him as it is. He did say to me that I can quit any meds that I was on at any point, so I'm going to tell him that's what I did and I feel things have been slowly improving. I will also tell him that I've been reading self help anxiety books and seeing a therapist (both of which are true), and practicing mindful coping skills, and I feel this is also working. I won't schedule any more apps after this one, as I don't see the point. Thanks again!

[Surviving82]

I think that I have been managing pretty well the majority of my symptoms, but there is 1 that I find particularly unpleasant and hard to deal with. This was my first and the most disabling symptoms once all this started, and I used to have it most days for many-many hours. Now I only have it about once a week, maybe twice per week at the most, and it only lasts for a couple of hrs. Suddenly out of the blue (lately most often after lunch) my heart starts pounding like crazy, so much that I feel it allover my body, and my chest gets tight. My heart rate is normal, my blood pressure is normal, I am not anxious - but the heart is just pounding like crazy out of my very tight-feeling chest. I've had my heart checked multiple times by all kinds of doctors, including the senior academic cardiologist, and nothing abnormal was found. So I was told there is no medical (cardiac-related) reason to explain what I am feeling.

 

Every time this happens, I promise to myself that next time I will take propranolol, but I never do. I just think that why take unnecessary meds for something that I know in my rational mind is not going to hurt me. I am trying to work on acceptance but it is hard. While it doesn't send me in the full blown panic like it used to, but I still get distressed. But then it goes away, I get angry and promise to myself (yet again) that the next time this happens, I will for sure take propranolol.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? How long did it last and how did you deal? 

[Surviving82]

Update on my visit with the psychiatrist. I told him that I am currently CT off all psych meds and that I am doing better. He was happy to hear that I am in therapy and seem to be recovering. He asked me if I wanted to try any other meds for depression and anxiety and I politely declined. He said, okay, if you need me - give me a call or leave a message. That was the end of it. Never say never, of course, but I really do hope that I don't have to deal with psychiatrists any time soon. 

 

Otherwise, I am having a fairly good day today. Not many physical symptoms. Had some anxiety and depression for the past few hours (as usual around this time of day), but nothing that I can't handle. Yesterday was worse - especially with the heart palps, but surprisingly later in the evening I had a very good time, felt pretty much normal. I made a mental promise to myself anytime I feel bad to just remember the good time and believe that eventually I will be back to it permanently. 

 

I am looking forward to our upcoming short family vacation during the long weekend. I am really so excited and can't wait. Only 4 more days!!!! 

[Selfhealer]

@Surviving82 these are some good news🧡 I wish you to have more and more bright days like this one and to enjoy your holidays to the fullest!

[Surviving82]

4 minutes ago, Selfhealer said:

@Surviving82 these are some good news🧡 I wish you to have more and more bright days like this one and to enjoy your holidays to the fullest!

Thank you so much @Selfhealer! I appreciate your well wishes and stopping by. How are you doing? 

[Mia1]

17 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

Update on my visit with the psychiatrist. I told him that I am currently CT off all psych meds and that I am doing better. He was happy to hear that I am in therapy and seem to be recovering. He asked me if I wanted to try any other meds for depression and anxiety and I politely declined. He said, okay, if you need me - give me a call or leave a message. That was the end of it. Never say never, of course, but I really do hope that I don't have to deal with psychiatrists any time soon. 

Fantastic update!!

 

17 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

I made a mental promise to myself anytime I feel bad to just remember the good time and believe that eventually I will be back to it permanently. 

That’s right, feelings never last. And remember they’re just feelings, it’s just energy we’re feeling. It’s all neutral until we assign the value of good/bad to them. Ask yourself why is it bad to feel anxiety? Because your thoughts are telling you it’s bad. The anxiety itself is not the problem, it’s your thoughts about the anxiety that cause the suffering.

 

17 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

I am looking forward to our upcoming short family vacation during the long weekend. I am really so excited and can't wait. Only 4 more days!!!! 

Have an amazing 4th with your family, you deserve it!! 🎉

[Surviving82]

Hi @Mia1, thank you so much for stopping by. I think that anxiety makes me feel bad, on edge, unsettling. It makes me feel as if there is danger and I need to run away to save myself. It takes away my mental resources from what is really important, my kids, my job, my hobbies. I think that we have been wired this way, to pay attention to anxiety, otherwise humans would have gone extinct along time ago. Who knew that in the modern life anxiety would be activating inappropriately and causing so much distress? I am trying to ignore it and calm myself down but its not always easy. I have always been anxious as long as I can remember but now it seems to be activating without any apparent reason. Although even before when I had similar attacks, I "thought" that I had a reason, but it wasn't a logical reason. For example, I kept worrying myself sick over melanoma fears even after I have been checked and reassured by 3 or more dermatologists. I would get a check, get reassurance, it would last for maybe a week (or maybe less), and then the circle would start over. I had 13 unnecessary mole biopsies done in 4 months. It wouldn't stop until I went on zoloft. But no zoloft this time. Nonmedication coping skills this time around. 

 

@Mia1, do you have the hourly variation of your symptoms throughout the day? For example, with me every day the hardest time is between 11am and 3pm, during this time i experience the most significant physical and mental symptoms. After 5 to 6pm comes my best time, mostly I feel like my normal self. It seems like im also okay during the night, until around 6 and 7am I feel it starts gradually boiling up, culminates between 11 and 3, and then gradually goes down. This pattern is so strong every day, it puzzles me. Do you have a similar daily variation? 

[Surviving82]

During my outbreak in 2015-2016 I had more mental, obsessive compulsive symptoms. I remember I used to spend several hours a day checking my skin, taking pictures of "suspicious" moles, measuring them, scratching them (yes I know, I'm lucky I didn't get skin infection). I would wake up at night wirh panic about melanoma, would lock myself in the bathroom to check, measure, and take pictures. I used to do that at work too in the bathroom, several times a day.. Even when we want on vacation by plane, I used to do that in the tiny plane bathroom. I just couldn't wait until we land. It was awful mentally because it caused me a lot of distress and suffering. But I can hardly recall any physical symptoms. Now this time I have lots of physical symptoms but hardly any if at all obsessive compulsive checking. I wonder what to make out of it. Does it mean that this time I'm in WD? Or as my therapist to me, anxiety can manifest in many different ways. I wish I knew a significance of this difference (if any)...

[Mia1]

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

I am trying to ignore it and calm myself down but its not always easy. I have always been anxious as long as I can remember but now it seems to be activating without any apparent reason. Although even before when I had similar attacks, I "thought" that I had a reason, but it wasn't a logical reason.

It takes practice but once you keep doing it (ignoring it which is basically acceptance) it will keep getting easier. Once our bodies and minds respond with anxiety it remembers that so when in a similar situation it will continue to respond with anxiety. It truly just becomes a habit. Claire Weekes wrote a great book called Hope and Help for Your Nerves: End Anxiety Now where she teaches people how to get out of the habit of being anxious. My take on it is basically you just accept it and ride it out, thereby taking the fear out of it. It goes away. She mainly talks about the physical sensations of anxiety but it can be used with anxious thoughts as well.  Some of it is a little dated as she wrote it in the 60’s but still very relevant if you want to check it out.

 

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

do you have the hourly variation of your symptoms throughout the day?

I find it more intense in the morning, I think it has to do with cortisol and hormonal levels. Once you are fully healed it will go away. I remember reading someone’s success story on this site and she said that you shouldn’t put too much emphasis on morning/evening anxiety because over time you can condition your body into responding with anxiety. So again, a habit. I read that early in my recovery and it helped me not to place any particular importance on it. Remember, anxiety wants you to think about it to keep it alive. Without attention it goes away. I know, easier said than done, but with practice it does get easier and goes away.

 

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

During my outbreak in 2015-2016 I had more mental, obsessive compulsive symptoms. I remember I used to spend several hours a day checking my skin, taking pictures of "suspicious" moles, measuring them, scratching them (yes I know, I'm lucky I didn't get skin infection). I would wake up at night wirh panic about melanoma, would lock myself in the bathroom to check, measure, and take pictures. I used to do that at work too in the bathroom, several times a day.. Even when we want on vacation by plane, I used to do that in the tiny plane bathroom. I just couldn't wait until we land. It was awful mentally because it caused me a lot of distress and suffering. But I can hardly recall any physical symptoms. Now this time I have lots of physical symptoms but hardly any if at all obsessive compulsive checking. I wonder what to make out of it. Does it mean that this time I'm in WD? Or as my therapist to me, anxiety can manifest in many different ways. I wish I knew a significance of this difference (if any)...

I completely relate to all of this, it’s also the reason I went on medication. I had pretty bad OCD health anxiety as well and no amount of tests (which which were a lot) would reassure me. I think your therapist is right, it just manifests in different ways. Normally when I’m not in w/d OCD is mild for me but with drug w/d it can feel very intense at times. Whatever the reason the good news is that you can treat it the same way and it will lessen and eventually go away or at least stop bothering you. Just accept the thoughts and sensations. It’s actually absurdly easy but our minds over complicate everything. I will still have those thoughts am I doing it right, is there something else I need to do, etc. Nope, just accept it and let it pass. Oh, and stop listening to your anxious thoughts.

I hope this was helpful, it literally took me a year and a half to figure out that all I had to do was accept whatever was happening. It was the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. Remember, whatever we resist persists!!

[Greatful]

@Surviving82 Hi, I was getting late afternoon evening windows.  Not all my symptoms gone but felt better.  Like a small part of me was coming back.  Then I changed time on a med and it put me in a wave.  I am looking forward to those windows in the evening again when the wave lets up. it sounds like you are on the right track and slowly healing.  

One day at a time

 

[Mia1]

How are you doing?

[Surviving82]

Hi all, I was feeling a lot better until a week ago. I wasn't posting on here because I was busy living my life. At my best Id say I was 90 to 95% back to normal. Unfortunately, it didn't last and I ended up in what I assume is a wave. My sleep is messed up, I have panic attacks at night, super high anxiety during the day, appetite is in the dumps, head pressure most of the day. I'm pretty much back to feeling like a shell of a human being. I can't believe that after doing so well for about 2 to 3 weeks I'm back to pretty much where I started. It is so disheartening. I do feel a little better in the evenings still, but it is much worse vs what it used to be. I guess this is my first real wave after a period of near complete remission and it feels awful. I just hope that it too shall pass....

[Surviving82]

For a long time I was doing continuously better and better each day, so I foolishly assumed that I must be healed and out of the woods. I wasn't prepared for this worsening. I cant believe I was doing so well and getting back to doing things I used to enjoy, doing well at my job as I used to, enjoying my kids... And now I'm back to being a shell of a human being. So awful. I wonder if I ever would be fully back to my normal self???

[Greatful]

@Surviving82  I sorry the wave snuck up on you.  That is awesome to have 2-3 weeks of feeling good.  You know you are healing and you will have weeks of feeling good again.  This wave will be short and you will back at life💕

 

Keep posting, we are here to help anyway we can.  Even if all we can do is listen and send you hugs🤗

[Surviving82]

27 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Surviving82  I sorry the wave snuck up on you.  That is awesome to have 2-3 weeks of feeling good.  You know you are healing and you will have weeks of feeling good again.  This wave will be short and you will back at life💕

 

Keep posting, we are here to help anyway we can.  Even if all we can do is listen and send you hugs🤗

@Greatful, thank you so much for the kind words! I hope this madness will be over soon. Right now I am sitting crying my eyes out like crazy instead of doing work. I barely ever cry but right now I feel so bad, I feel like I will never get out of this and be normal ever again. I am just full of sadness and self pity, and tears keep rolling down my face. I realize that before the window, my most bothersome symptoms were physical. However now they are psychological. Intense anxiety, depression, dark despair, hopelessness. It is just so... dark. I am not used to this feeling, usually I am more anxious type but right now, depression is hitting me hard. Ugh. 

[Mia1]

I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time right now. Because healing is not linear it can be so confusing to be doing so well just to turn around and start experiencing all different symptoms. It is common though and as strange as it may seem is an indicator that you are healing. So is the amazing three week window you had. I think what you’ll start to see if that your windows will get longer and the waves will become shorter and less intense. You’ll be back to your life before you know it, don’t despair!!

 

The thing you have to remember about health anxiety is that even if there is a kernel of truth to what’s going on it’s inherently irrational. It’s the anxious brain trying to latch onto a reason for feeling anxious. I honestly think it’s a form of OCD because of how it propels you to keep going to the doctor to get tests and be reassured that nothing is wrong. But as we know even when we are reassured it only brings us temporary relief until our brain comes up with that reason why the tests were wrong and we need to get it checked again. This is exactly what I had and caused me to go on medication in the first place. I was in a state of panic 24/7 because I simply didn’t know what was happening or how to handle it.

 

You know what’s happening, you are in a temporary wave because your brain is healing. A lot of people experience heightened OCD in this state. You have experienced the effects of health anxiety before. This is something you can manage by taking the power away. Think of it like a little monster. The more you “feed” it with your thoughts and actions the stronger it will become. Start starving it and it will go away. It may come back from time to time but if you keep starving it it will go away. I know this to be 💯 percent true from personal experience.

 

So how do you do this? You acknowledge that you are in a wave and that it has triggered your health anxiety. You accept it;  allow the thoughts to come and go without resisting them or engaging in them. You do the same with physical symptoms, do not resist them. This is just part of the process and even though it may feel uncomfortable at first that’s all it is, a little uncomfortable. You then keep shifting your focus off of it. Keep yourself involved in what you are doing in the present moment. When thoughts creep in you keep reminding yourself that everything is fine, you don’t need to think about it and go on with your day. At first the pull to think about it will be strong because it becomes a habit but like any habit if you keep denying it it will go away.

 

This is a practice so just keep doing it and don’t be hard on yourself if you struggle a bit. Once you fully understand this process no anxiety will ever have a hold over you again. Just acknowledge what it is, fully accept it and refocus off it. You’ve got this and I’m here for you 💗

[Surviving82]

39 minutes ago, Mia1 said:

The thing you have to remember about health anxiety is that even if there is a kernel of truth to what’s going on it’s inherently irrational. It’s the anxious brain trying to latch onto a reason for feeling anxious. I honestly think it’s a form of OCD because of how it propels you to keep going to the doctor to get tests and be reassured that nothing is wrong. But as we know even when we are reassured it only brings us temporary relief until our brain comes up with that reason why the tests were wrong and we need to get it checked again. This is exactly what I had and caused me to go on medication in the first place. I was in a state of panic 24/7 because I simply didn’t know what was happening or how to handle it.

 

@Mia1Yes, this! I think that health anxiety is a manifestation of OCD - specifically when a person feels the need to keep checking and rechecking to make sure nothing is wrong with them. But this repeated reassurance doesn't last and soon enough the person needs more reassurance and so on. This stuff is exactly the reason I had all these CT scans done (in addition to many, many other tests), because every time I was convinced that I had either a brain tumor, or a stroke, or whatnot. And now I am panicking because the radiation from these CT scans will cause me to have brain cancer, and that I am so damaged that it is bound to happen no matter what. I cannot take back the CT scans so I feel stuck and hopeless. I am crying my eyes out right now because I fear I will develop brain cancer any day now and leave my 4 young kids motherless 😞 

 

[Surviving82]

Honestly, at this point I am not sure anymore how much of this is WD and how much is just my natural health anxiety and OCD. Maybe I feel it more due to WD sensitivity, BUT this doesn't change the fact that a lot of this state probably is my natural state. So I cannot expect this to simply go away with time, even if/when WD abates. Not sure what to do? If I couldn't handle it without medication 6 years ago, how would I handle it now???

[Phoenixmama]

@Surviving82 I’m so sorry that your going through this , it’s all so heart breaking... but I wonder if this is what they talk about , big windows and small waves , then bigger windows and the waves lesson ? I hope so , hang in there in this wave let’s see how it plays out, read some success story’s to get through , I’m really interested in seeing if it’s wider windows shorter waves... if that makes any sense 💕💕💕 

[Surviving82]

1 hour ago, Phoenixmama said:

@Surviving82 I’m so sorry that your going through this , it’s all so heart breaking... but I wonder if this is what they talk about , big windows and small waves , then bigger windows and the waves lesson ? I hope so , hang in there in this wave let’s see how it plays out, read some success story’s to get through , I’m really interested in seeing if it’s wider windows shorter waves... if that makes any sense 💕💕💕 

Thank you @Phoenixmama, I sure hope that these terrible waves will becoming shorter and shorter. This was my fault as well, how could I be so naïve to think that there won't be a wave? I should have been better prepared by now, but unfortunately I wasn't. Oh well. Hopefully I'd be better prepared next time. 

 

I remember you saying that you were crying and scared of dying and leaving your kids alone. That's how I am now, crying the whole day like crazy (and I rarely cry at all). I also have tons of intrusive/ruminating thoughts about very bad stuff. When will this ever end for us? At least I hope that you are doing better than I am!

[Mia1]

1 hour ago, Surviving82 said:

And now I am panicking because the radiation from these CT scans will cause me to have brain cancer, and that I am so damaged that it is bound to happen no matter what. I cannot take back the CT scans so I feel stuck and hopeless. I am crying my eyes out right now because I fear I will develop brain cancer any day now and leave my 4 young kids motherless 😞 

So this is what we’re talking about. You had some CT scans and because of that you now think you’ll get brain cancer. Yes, it has some radiation but so do x-rays at the dentist office. It’s not rational to think you will get brain cancer, that’s health anxiety talking. This is why acceptance to me is the most important part. Life itself is so uncertain but when we accept what is happening and find a meaning for it we are giving ourselves the freedom to live our lives. We are allowing ourselves to stop thinking and be present. What we think could happen is always going to be way more terrifying then anything that ever actually happens to us.

 

So you must truly accept that you are okay and that this thinking is not rational. Once you do that the thoughts will lose their power, they are only thoughts. You choose what you focus on, not the other way around. And then you focus off the thoughts. Whatever you’re doing that’s what you shift the focus to. If you are having a really difficult time with it then take a moment and just focus on your breath. The point is you want to start training yourself to accept anxious thoughts so you can start to focus off them. It can feel difficult because they have a certain energy that is strong, for me almost a physical pull, but you can focus off them. Once you keep practicing this it will become easier and in time this will be your habit, to not give your anxious thoughts attention. It really is like a habit, how we respond to anxiety and anxious thoughts. 

 

I know I recommend this before but a daily meditation practice will help you tremendously with this, observing thoughts objectively and just letting them go. This was the last piece of the puzzle for me and really allowed me to understand the technique I describe above. So know you are okay, accept what is happening because it is temporary and keep focusing off your thoughts. It takes consistency and repetition. This is how you retrain your brain to no longer respond to anxiety. This is how I cured myself. You really can do this, take it one step at a time.

[Mia1]

 

This is a great meditation that can help you create some space between you and your pain. It can be for physical or emotional pain. 

[Surviving82]

@Mia1, I just did this meditation for the first time. I could not finish it and had to stop halfway. At the point where she says to show myself some compassion, tears started rolling down my face. I just couldn't concentrate on anything for much longer. I am amazed at how harsh I am attacking myself every single day. I beat myself up about my past choices and actions so hard, no wonder I have anxiety and panic. I will calm down a bit and continue the meditation. Is this the only meditation that you use, or can you also recommend some others that are good? 

 

My therapist has been telling me all along that I am being very harsh on myself. I did not actually believe her until now. But now I see that she is right. She thinks this is because I have PTSD from childhood trauma (long story, my parents were verbally and physically abusive toward me and toward each other), and I was constantly told that I was bad, that everything was my fault, all the bad things happened because of me, etc. I was also beaten up quite a bit as a child (a lot of it for the things that I didn't actually do). I have buried all that suffering deep down but never actually dealt with it. So now we work with her to unravel these experiences, make peace with them, and let them go. Is that possible that these unresolved traumatic childhood experiences actually contribute toward my anxiety today? 

[Nomansland]

Hello @Surviving82,

 

i want to say thank your for your post in my thread! It calmed me down a bit.

 

Maybe you can try and do this meditation here:

 

 

I really like the calming music and the voice. The music itself (if you want to use for whatever purpose) can be found in the calming music thread.

 

Please dont beat yourself for having these crazy emotions right now. You are in early withdrawal, but with time

it will get better. Nobody thinks it can get better at this stage, but almost everyone says with time we heal!

 

I read mixed reviews of doing trauma therapy in withdrawal, because i think it has a lot to do with confronting and

bringing "the trauma up to light". Maybe thats to much at this point, but of course we are all different and its a very

personal decision.

 

Be kind to yourself and your nervous system. That crazy sensitivity will calm down, it just needs time.

 

Greetings

 

Nomansland

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

I am amazed at how harsh I am attacking myself every single day. I beat myself up about my past choices and actions so hard, no wonder I have anxiety and panic.

Wow this sounds familiar.  I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.  I have been stuffing things most of my life.  Dysfunctional childhood.  When we are in w/d are emotions are morphed, are brain isn't  functioning very well and the meds that kept everything muffled under the surface is erupting out.  I have a very low self-esteem and worry about doing things wrong.   I developed distorted thinking and distorted coping skill and then ssri's to get through life. I am know seeing how much my trauma has shaped my distorted my thoughts  and how much deep the pain and unworthiness in  engrained in my mind.  This is both w/d recovery hard and self healing hard.  The w/d is forcing the eruption of emotions.  I have been seeing my therapist for several years and I was making slow progress but being in W/D, is pushing things to the surface that I didn't even understand about myself.

 

2 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

Is that possible that these unresolved traumatic childhood experiences actually contribute toward my anxiety today? 

You bet it does.  I have felt a underlining fear most of my life, anxiety and some ocd.  I could hardly relax, anxious if I didn't have something to do,  like waiting for the other shoe to fall.  So by being very busy all the time (running from something) and having low self-esteem I developed another distorted unhealthy thought.  I can't relax without feeling  guilty,  I should be doing something or I am not being productive.  

 

Having good support at home with you and a good therapist will help.  My therapist suggested EDMR, but didn't think I was stable enough for it. May last meeting with her I had a big melt down, a out right sobbing fit,  something had come to the surface that morning, I told her I don't think I can wait until I am stable to do EDMR,  W/D is forcing things up now.

 

Wow, we are not alone in W/D or in trauma here on SA.  There are so many that go on meds because of the pain that trauma causes.

I do use the Healing Chronic Pain that Mia1 sent you.  I will use what ever pain I am feeling that day, depression, anxiety, unworthiness, panic, just plain W/D etc and focus on that one.  It does help you see that all that is not who you really are, and focus on the real you hiding underneath the surface.   I have to admit that when I am really feeling defeated it is hard to see that person below the surface.  But we have to keep working towards bringing that person out.

When you are ready try it again 

Thank you for sharing, it helps too not feel so alone and scared.❤️

We are healing the inside and the from the mess the drugs put our brains in‼️

 

 

[Surviving82]

@Greatful, thank you SO MUCH for sharing this. I can relate to almost everything you've said. My therapist also suggested EMDR, but I too not feel ready for it yet. Like you, I start crying the moment things get in the sensitive zone, so I am not ready for it. I agree, WD makes us so much more sensitive to everything. It is like taking a normal emotion and amplifying it 10-fold. Also I agree that WD pushes feelings toward the surface that were hidden for a very long time. A couple of months back I was driving and suddenly start thinking about something traumatic that happened when I was 8 years old, and tears start streaming down my face. To this day I do not understand why I suddenly started thinking about that, it just came up in my mind by itself. 

 

WD is tough. I used to have more physical sensations, and now these are very much reduced and many are gone (at least for now), but the emotional aspect has gotten much worse. I have tremendous anxiety, unstable moods, crying spells, profound feeling of guilt, sadness, and inability to escape the bad. It is like my mind has freed all the demons that I have put away over the years, and now they are haunting me all at once. This should improve with time, right? What do you think? 

[Mia1]

4 hours ago, Surviving82 said:

My therapist has been telling me all along that I am being very harsh on myself. I did not actually believe her until now. But now I see that she is right. She thinks this is because I have PTSD from childhood trauma (long story, my parents were verbally and physically abusive toward me and toward each other), and I was constantly told that I was bad, that everything was my fault, all the bad things happened because of me, etc. I was also beaten up quite a bit as a child (a lot of it for the things that I didn't actually do). I have buried all that suffering deep down but never actually dealt with it. So now we work with her to unravel these experiences, make peace with them, and let them go. Is that possible that these unresolved traumatic childhood experiences actually contribute toward my anxiety today? 

I have also experienced a lot of childhood trauma and am going to be so bold to say that not only do I think it contributes to anxiety but actually causes it. How I see it is our minds went into overdrive trying to protect us for every possible disaster. We tried to anticipate what was going to happen so we could somehow control or avoid it. We learned to distract ourselves with overthinking. I think OCD is just another way our brain is trying to distract and control what is happening. Some of this was actually useful to us when we were in these traumatic situations. The problem is we carry these learned behaviors into adulthood and respond to most things as if we are still in the danger.

 

So this is why I talk a lot about reprogramming our brain so that we can react in a healthy way to what’s actually happening in our lives. @Greatful explained the emotional trauma and the role w/d plays perfectly. She and I are on similar paths of recovery, she has a wealth of information and lived experience with the things we discuss and I would highly recommend you lean on her for help. She’s simply amazing.

 

How are you doing today, were you able to practice any of the mindfulness techniques?

 

 

[Moonpie]

@Greatful @Mia1 @Surviving82   I  can relate to what all of you are saying also. I think our childhood trauma definitely plays into the anxiety we are experiencing now. Our mind seems to bring backup everything that hurts. And of course combining what we are going through now with the past is excruciating. I hear echoes in my head the things that were said to me and said about me. I am doing better about not being so hard on myself, but I think some of it is just because I'm too old and tired lol to beat me up anymore. I do have a problem of when I make a mistake it getting very upset getting anxiety that I messed up, but that wasn't something I had been allowed to do as a child.  My heart goes out to each of you. We can be healed. Because we are not that child anymore and the person that hurt us cannot hurt I cannot hurt us anymore.  We are all new amazing people, I know this because of all we have been through and are persevering and supporting each other.  I have learned more and more that this is the past and  I do not have to bring it with me. I have been working hard at making that choice..  I've pictured it as keeping every article of clothing I have ever worn from the time I was born and and stuffing it in bags and suitcases and dragging it with me, adding to what I get along the way.  Sometimes that helps me. It would be an impossible load to carry and it would limit how much I will  live and enjoy life. So much like carrying my past with me now. But I know that is easier said than done. We can heal from anything! It just takes time and diligence

[Greatful]

@Surviving82

8 minutes ago, Surviving82 said:

This should improve with time, right? What do you think? 

This is what is haunting me right now,  Can I get through W/D, can I face life without drugs. Is this my neg self image talking to me or is it depression, can I change the brain patterns in my mind that are so engrained.  UGH,  How do you shut the brain up.  The funny thing is the meds just softened the feelings, I would get low mood's, anxiety,  and I think some hypo mania from the ssri's.  So why am I on it?  We are  leaning with our therapists and are ready to face our pain, we should heal.  They say are brains are always adapting so now is the time to learn healthy thoughts and coping skills.  

You should tell yourself everyday no matter what is going on in your mind, that you are a worthwhile person and you are loved and most certainly worthy of love.  

 

I remember today in my crinkled brain, that's right I am not suppose to believe my thoughts.  Hard to do when they seem so real and large.

I see my therapist every week now.

These emotional W/D symptoms are the worst, the depression is what crushes me the worst. My phobia  is a close second. I don't have as many physical ones,  my brain has a lot of  buzzing, tingling, hurt's in spots that move around, sometimes it feels like the top of my brain is crushing in, I call it my sink hole.  Some numbness on the left side of my face and sore left eye, this comes and goes, REALLY dry sinuses weakness in my arms and legs, dizziness.  Sound sensitivity, Hard to follow conversations, let alone carry on one.

 

 I would take all these at a higher degree if I could get rid of the depression and phobia.

Hang in there.🤗

[Surviving82]

@Mia1, thank you for checking on me. I did the meditation half way and I am reading the link you've sent about the unhelpful thoughts. Unfortunately, I've developed this apathy to everything, my brain is slow and it is hard to make myself actively do anything. All I want to do is sit there and stare outside the window. Anxiety is high today even without any obvious triggers or thoughts, and my mood is very unstable. I am randomly starting to cry. It feels like all the demons that I have been hiding over the years have now been freed and are attacking me. I guess I just need to keep pushing through.