Shellbell: Struggling really bad

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  How did last night go?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

last night I slept ok. Today the akathesia is bad. I feel so horrible. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t believe the suffering I am enduring. It’s too much

[Greatful]

@@Shellbell I am glad to see you are getting sleep.  Insomnia is really hard on some people.  Did you listen to the meditation that Mia1 sent you?

What are your akathesia symptoms.  Do you have to keep moving, is it internal tension and restlessness, ruminating thoughts.  It seems like people have different akathesia symptoms.?  

You will get through this.

[Mia1]

Hi Shellbell, I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. I know that feeling of just wanting to feel better, getting frustrated with myself and the process. I think you need to ask yourself why are you doing this. I understand you were not on medication for mental health reasons but you are in this situation now. Do you plan on going back on medication to help manage the symptoms? There is no judgement if this is what you are thinking. Being on medication is a personal decision everyone must make for themselves.

However, if you plan on healing naturally I can tell you that fighting your symptoms is only going to make them feel more intense and last longer. Negative self talk is only going to make you anxious. There are many things you can do to help yourself today but you have to want to do them. Did you do the meditation?

Let me know what your thoughts are, I don’t want to push this help on you. You are not alone in this, help is right here for you if you’re willing to accept it. You have to do your part though.

[Boris]

I recognise myself in withdrawal in how you are expressing yourself on here. I would say the exact same things to my family and I really understand how you are feeling. The doom and feelings of panic are really overwhelming with Akathisia on top of the need to move. Over time they slowly eased and I got small breaks and then bigger breaks and now it's been gone a long time.

 

I use to cope with as much mellow netflix/films/TV series/podcasts I could consume.Endless amounts to get me through the rough times. My worst fear was queues/waiting anywhere/trains etc. I would have my phone to watch anything I could. I would also do this at work but I'm not sure if this is possible for you. I would walk round the city a lot trying to just observe and not react to endless adrenaline surges and panic that comes with Akathisia.

 

I use to wear really tight fitting work out leggings under my trousers which seemed in a strange way to help with the agitation, like a pressure on my legs.

 

Chamomile tea helped me a bit and talking to people I trusted was a saviour. 

 

As it lowered in intensity I could start doing art or playing computer games to channel the agitation and gained more confidence.

 

This might all seem trivial with how you feel but you will find something like I did to hold onto as you begin to heal.

 

I too went on anti depressants for a pain issue (rsi) and came out with anxiety, Akathisia and the rest. I honestly thought I was done for and would never improve but it happened to now where I'm nearly fully recovered.

 

And one more thing, do not Google! Everytime I did it turned up the Akathisia to another level and those bits of info would loop on my head. I swore off everything, even the old paxilprogress support website. I think with Akathisia you are so susceptible to even slightly negative information.

 

Keep going.

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

 

thank you for your response. Yes I did the meditation you sent me last night before bed. I also do a bunch of other meditations daily. I don't plan to go on medication. I have tried several and they all make me feel severely agitated. If I knew medication would make me feel better I would jump on it. but for me it doesn't work. Quitting the opiates for me has been very traumatizing as well as the horrific reaction I had to Cymbalta and mirtazapine. So meds and me don't mix. 

I really really try to remain positive but when you feel like death everyday its very difficult. The akathesia has lessoned today for which I am grateful. But I just feel horrible still. 

I had a surgery 6 weeks ago and fear that it's made things worse in my recovery. 

I also suffer from lupus which really doesn't help this situation either. 

Today has just been extreme fatigue, visual issues, brain feels lightheaded and swirly ( if that makes sense)

I am terrified that this is my life now and that I will never be the silly fun person I was before all this started. It's very hard to be positive with all these things in my brain. But I really do appreciate your kind words

 

 

@Boris

thank you for your kind words as well. Sounds like you are doing great. I pray I heal like you did!!!! And yes google is my enemy. I can't stop reading all the stupid horror stories out there. But I am making myself stop because it totally makes things worse. I just keep thinking I am going to get an answer as to how long this misery will continue, so far haven't gotten my answer yet. I do watch a lot of Netflix as well as a distraction. I read when I am able to settle down

 

 

@Greatful

thanks again for reaching out. My akathesia is all internal. Not the pacing and movement. However I was told that isn't true akathesia since I am not pacing and moving, but I disagree. I think it comes in different forms. For me it's all mental distress and severe internal agitation and panic and that is putting it mildly.

[Mia1]

That’s great that you meditate daily. I certainly understand why you wouldn’t want to be back on medication and you don’t need to be, you will heal. I’m so sorry you are in this much pain, if there was something I could do to lessen it I would. Just take good care of yourself and before you know it you will be back to your old self!!

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  You sound a little better today. 😊 Keep reaching out.  You will make it back to your old self. A stronger and my healthy person.

Be kind to yourself.  

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  How are you doing?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

Not very good today. In a bad wave since last Saturday. Not too sure I’m gonna make it anymore 

[Mia1]

I’m sorry to hear this. What do you mean when you say you’re not sure you’re going to make it anymore? I’m concerned about you. 

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

I can’t do this much longer. It’s to overwhelming. Been dealing with this for over a year. Getting worse instead of better. In a horrific akathesia wave. It’s never going to get better 

[Cheeky]

Shellbell you must hang on, you know this isn't going to be your life it just feels like that now. You have the rest of your life to enjoy things and this is just a hiccup on the road. You will make this out the other end and will be writing your susses story. Your not alone, we are with you. Please keep fighting , your stronger then what you think. Sending you a virtual hug 🤗

 

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  I know these days can be tough at times, you can do it.  Is there anyone with you?  What exactly is going on? Are you depressed?

Talk to me about what all your symptoms and what is going on in your mind?  Maybe we can come up with a plan to help ease some of your pain.

Please know that will be getting a brake again soon.

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

my symptoms are horrific suicidal thoughts. Extreme akathesia inner agitation. I can’t settle down. I just can’t stop these horrific feelings of doom. I tried meditating. Tried chamomile tea. Tried laying down. I had to leave work. It’s been really bad. And I just know in my mind that this won’t ever stop

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Stop take a deep breath.  Yes it will stop, you have a better I think you said last Friday.  I had almost 2 weeks were I felt miserable,  I got a little break than.  I do not want to trivialize your pain by any comparison of mine.  Everyone journey and pain are their own.  But know you are not alone. I know how long and lonely the days can be when you feels so heavy with sadness and than to have such internal tension and anxiety, you have to take a deep breathe and say all I have to do is make it to bed time.  Time does move on even if it feels like it is at a slow pace.  Remember your thoughts are just that thoughts and they can't hurt you.  Repeat to yourself I am a worthwhile person,  and I will make through this, over and over again.  Say this to yourself even when you are sitting, driving, walking, what ever you are doing. Or find a manta that works for you.

 

Did you get some Epson salt to talk a warm bath.  Put some soft music on close your eyes and meditate.  Anything to pass a hours time.  This is a small step you can do for yourself.  I know you can do it

Or go out for a slow walk. And repeat your mantra over and over.

Please dig down deep and find a way to get through the rest of the day.  Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow

[KenA]

@ShellbellKeep hanging in there!!! You are going to be ok!! You are super strong for making it this far and you will make it and be healed one day!! A bit of advice that was given to me I will share with you. Never make a permanent solution to a temporary problem! This is just temporary. Your brain and CNS are healing each and every day. I would tell myself on the strong days of symptoms that this was a strong day of healing! And like @Mia1 advised, acceptance to this process truly is the key. It took me a long time to learn acceptance, but once I did it made it easier on me. It's hard to learn, but just stay as positive as you can and know deep down that one day you are going to be healed and this will all be behind you!! Just a hiccup on the road of life! You've got this and you know it!

[Shellbell]

@KenA

thank you for your help. I just feel it’s too late now. There’s no help available. Nothing helps. This is just it

[KenA]

5 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

@KenA

thank you for your help. I just feel it’s too late now. There’s no help available. Nothing helps. This is just it

Its never too late I would get the same intrusive thoughts that you are having and they would seem so overwhelming that I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I would force myself to keep breathing!! Sometimes you just have to take it one minute at a time if needed. Just keep pushing through one minute at a time. Eventually the minutes become hours and the hours become days. Each day you keep breathing you are one day closer to being healed. You can do this!! 

[Mia1]

Shellbell,

I think because you have been suffering with this for so long you have lost your hope and because of that you feel any positive step you take will be pointless. This is not true, you are just stuck. I know what you are going through is devastating but I also know you can start to change the trajectory of your suffering. You’re at a crossroads now, the choice is yours to make. Do you keep doing what you have been doing and get the same results or do you try something different?

I love @Greatfuladvice to come up with a plan for you, something tailored to help you cope in a more positive direction. I am more than happy to help come up with that perfect plan. This is not your permanent reality, this  is a temporary situation as a result of abruptly stopping your medications. It may be hard to believe right now but we create so much of our reality by what we choose to focus on. So yes, even though it may seem impossible to focus on anything else you can start to do just that. You have more power and control over this than you allowing yourself to believe. But you have to believe it. 

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

 

thank you for your kindness. I’ve worked really hard. Have tried everything. Therapy. Medication. Exercise. Nutrition. Hospitals. My mind just won’t let me be at peace. It’s too far gone now. This is just too much to take now. 
thank you for reaching out. Truly appreciate it. But i just don’t have to strength anymore to keep trying. I’m in a safe place right now. So it’s ok for right now. 

[KenA]

9 minutes ago, Shellbell said:

@Mia1

 

thank you for your kindness. I’ve worked really hard. Have tried everything. Therapy. Medication. Exercise. Nutrition. Hospitals. My mind just won’t let me be at peace. It’s too far gone now. This is just too much to take now. 
thank you for reaching out. Truly appreciate it. But i just don’t have to strength anymore to keep trying. I’m in a safe place right now. So it’s ok for right now. 

I got to that point as well, I had to stop fighting it and just let it be. That was when I started learning acceptance. Fighting the syptoms for me was a losing battle, so I had to just accept that this was who I was gonna be for a little while!!! Temporary!!!! Thats when I discovered the peace that comes with acceptance!!! You have such an amazing life still to come and one day you will look back at this experience and know that you made it through!! Stay safe and remember This Too Shall Pass!

[Mia1]

I understand what you’re saying and whichever way you choose to heal I respect it. I feel we are all on our own unique path with different lessons to learn. I do want to share this interview with you on how we can retrain our brain regardless of our circumstances, it may speak to you. 

 

 

[Mia1]

2 minutes ago, KenA said:

I got to that point as well, I had to stop fighting it and just let it be. That was when I started learning acceptance. Fighting the syptoms for me was a losing battle, so I had to just accept that this was who I was gonna be for a little while!!! Temporary!!!! Thats when I discovered the peace that comes with acceptance!!! You have such an amazing life still to come and one day you will look back at this experience and know that you made it through!! Stay safe and remember This Too Shall Pass!

@KenAthis is so beautifully stated. 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  I am so glad you are somewhere safe.  Please stay with someone at all times.  If you need to go to the hospital.  Keep reaching out, we are all here for you.  Please be safe and kind to yourself

[Greatful]

Hi@Shellbell  How are you doing today?😊  You are on my mind

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

I am still here. Praying that all of this has an end in the near future. Yesterday was brutal and barely made it. Today just having panic, depersonalization I think. Not sure how else to describe it.

Just begging god for help out of this mess. Wondering how the hell this happened to me and why.....

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  i am so sorry this is so painful.  I ask myself some of the same questions, how did it come to this.  I am glad that you are getting a tiny break form the akathisia.  You scared me.  One day at a time is all any of us get.  Keep looking forward, you will make it.  Your courage is such an inspiration to me.  Please keep reaching out and trying to find ways to help you get through each day.

Here is a big hug🤗

[Mia1]

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Checking in.  How are you doing today?  You are on my mind and I am worried about you😊

You made it another day🤸‍♀️

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

not doing very good. Feel like things are getting worse every day instead of better. 

[Greatful]

Remember one day at a time.  Less then 24! hrs ago you were feeling a little better.  Your mind is a powerful thing use it to help yourself please!

Have you tried the epsom salt bath?  How about a positive manta that you can repeat to yourself?  Do you have any support other than your husband?  How about family, friends, someone who will remind you how important you are to them.  I have just met you and I can remind you that you are a unique and special person.  We all are. You will heal and enjoy things again.

 

Can we come up with a plan to help you through the days?

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  How are you doing?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

I’m here. Trying to survive another day. Wondering what the hell happened to my life. 
 

how are you doing?

[Greatful]

@Shellbell I hear you.  I want my life back!  Today was a tough day for me.  Some d/r, anxiety, depression and now negativity and anger UGH

I tried to keep busy.  Woke up in a bad state.  Went for my walk, mowed the yard, thank goodness we have a riding lawn mower, went to get gas for the car , got a car wash, went to the store for a few groceries.  The whole time wrestling with then neg  thoughts in my head. 🥵

Read some threads on SA.  kenA has a good and encouraging story.   So does woody1981.   give them a read.

Did you work today?  

 

Tomorrow is a new day. We made it through another one🤸‍♀️ 

 

Hang in there.  We are in this together😊  

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Hi checking to see how you are doing?