Shellbell: Struggling really bad

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

 

i appreciate your kindness. And everyone else’s kindness. Just feel it’s too late for me. I’m dealing with lupus on top of everything else and it’s not going very well. I just don’t feel there is any hope anymore. 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  You are doing great.  I know the days can feel long but the weeks go by fast.  You are healing and it shows with the progress, slow though it may be, it is happening.  Write the progress down so you can look back it when the times are tough.  It is great that you were able to read a book.  I thought I would try, well the book is still sitting on the end table.  Keep reading that will help pass the time. 

 

Don't listen to the deep down thoughts, I think they are pretty common.  I have that also.  Tell yourself that you are thinking with a unhealthy brain and they are not real.  Even if they feel real.  I think there is a saying something like.  Even if  you feel it, it doesn't mean it is true.  

 

Remember today is all you need to worry about, you can get through today.  Tomorrow will take care of its self.❤️ 

 

Do your dogs follow you around?  Mine does, I think they know you are not feeling well.  They are very devoted to you I bet.  🐶

[Greatful]

  @Shellbell  How are you doing today?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

Just another day filled with misery

I just worry that all this is due to my lupus and not the med withdrawl which means it's going to be forever. Honestly none of this happened until I had Cymbalta so I am not convinced it's because of lupus

I don't know anything anymore. All I know is akathesia, depression and anxiety is ruining my life right now and I am sure it's never going to get better.

 

Sorry just feeling really down. I miss my life so bad. And afraid it's never coming back

[Greatful]

@Shellbell I would guess that it is from all the really fast tapers off of the meds.

I really wish I could come and sit with you.  Have you been able to read again?

Hang in there.  You made it through today.☺️

 

[Mia1]

Hi Shellbell,

I’m sorry you are having to deal with a medical issue on top of having PAWS. I shared the following with another member today and feel it may help you as well:

 

I would also highly recommend reading Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Even though it’s about his experience in a concentration camp it’s a spiritual story filled with hope and meaning. I feel it can be very inspiring and healing to read even though the subject matter can be dark at times. He shares so much wisdom to help anyone who may find themselves suffering, here’s one such insight: When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

[Greatful]

@@Shellbell How are you doing? 

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

im still here😢

 

how are you?

[Greatful]

@@Shellbell You made me chuckle with your   im still here.  My goodness girl I am glad you are still here😊

 Are you getting any windows?  Any relief?  Have been able to work?

 

I am doing okay.  Some rough spots then it eases a little.  You know the story up and down, 

light, dark light again.

 

We both have made it another day Yeah. I told you girl we are in this together❤️

By the way what kind of dogs do you have?

 

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

im glad that your getting some windows. Even if it’s just a little. 
 

I have two dogs and 3 cats

a black lab. And a German Shepherd mix

 

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell Dogs are a mans best friend.  I have I dog and she is my side kick.  Follows me around.

How about you, any little window?

[Mia1]

That’s great you have pets, their unconditional love is so healing during w/d. There’s actually a thread in off topics where you can talk about your pets and share pics. You may want to check it out, it’s fun. 

 

Are you practicing gratitude yet? Just writing down or saying three things a day you are grateful for retrains your brain to start focusing on the positive in life. Give it a try and practice it for a month, you’ll be surprised!! Hope you have a great day😊

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell How ya doing?  Still there...........☺️

[Greatful]

@ShellbellHow are you doing?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

to be very honest I’m not doing very well at all. The suicidal thoughts are excruciating lately. I’m not sure I’m ever going to get better. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I wish there was help available. But there just isn’t. I’m not going to make it much longer 

 

hope your doing ok

[Mia1]

Shellbell, I want you to think of this question and really think about it.  What’s one thing that makes you so happy that even PAWS can’t touch? It could be your pets, family, friends or being in nature.

 

You are in a difficult situation. As hard as it may seem you can learn and grow from it. You can start to give yourself the peace you desire. If you choose to fight it that’s okay too, you will still heal. But just maybe the thing you’re fighting is actually the thing that makes you look deep inside so you become the best version of yourself, maybe it’s actually a gift. 

 

Remember, when we can’t change our situation then we are forced to change our attitude. Perhaps finding your happiness can be the foundation for this healing and transformation.

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  I know that it may not be the right answer to the problem, but it may be a possibility.   Can you reinstate a med.  I don't remember why you fast tapered off the meds.  

I really worry about you, can you reinstate a med just to get you on your feet and stable.  I hate to see you in so much pain.  You could than taper off at a much slower pace.  

 

 

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

The mirtazapine didn’t help at all with depression or anxiety. Neither did the 6 other meds I’ve tried. And it’s been 9 months almost so I don’t think it would really help me. 
 

@Mia1  thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. Unfortunately nothing brings me happiness right now. I’m trying so hard to learn acceptance and not fight this. I really am trying

[Greatful]

@ShellbellIs there anyway you can try separate yourself from the symptoms?  

  This is what I have been trying.

 

First I think of a color like red for panic, anxiety, green for jealousy, black for depression etc.  They when I feel panic I visualize  a red blob or circle and I visualize it a outside of my body off in the distance  and tell myself that is not me, (it is just an experience)  I find it helps to  disconnect it from me.

 

Hang in there♥️   

[Mia1]

12 hours ago, Shellbell said:

I’m trying so hard to learn acceptance and not fight this. I really am trying

This is where all the power lies, I’m happy you are doing this. I know you’re trying, keep up the good work. I’m here for you ❤️

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Here is a hug 🤗 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  How are you doing.  

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

thank you for reaching out. I have been trying to lay low and keep my mind off all I am going through. So I haven't been on here much. I am not feeling great at all. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I have severe trauma from all of this. trauma I don't think I am going to recover from. My lupus is getting worse as well as suffering from thyroid issues. which I know is making things worse. I have constance inner trembling, heart racing, insomnia, nausea on top of the depression and anxiety. Not sleeping at all these days. So after 9 months off I am just getting worse and worse every day. So although I try to remain positive, it's extremely difficult these days

 

I appreciate your kindness and hope you are doing well..

[Greatful]

@Shellbell

Thank you for responding.  I am sorry that your sleep is now being affected. 

When did you start having problems with your thyroids? Do you think your thyroid issues could be causing some of your problems, ie depression anxiety. 

Are you on any medications for it.  How about your lupus,  what can be done to help that. 

Have you had a full health check up lately?

 

I wish there was more I could do for you❤️

[Mia1]

Hi @ShellbellI’m so sorry you’re not sleeping, that’s a tough one for sure. It wouldn’t surprise me if you had PTSD from this experience, is this something you’re working on with your therapist?

Have you ever heard of Kelly Brogan? She’s a holistic psychiatrist. She herself had a thyroid issue and after healing it with nutrition left behind the traditional medication route to heal. She has written some books about her healing beliefs, maybe they will resonate with you? 

 

[Greatful]

Hi @Shellbell, How are you doing?❤️

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

 

to be honest I’m not doing good at all. The overwhelming suicidal thoughts are severe. I’m terrified I’m not going to make it much longer. The constant ruminating thoughts is just too much for me. I’m tired and just can’t do it anymore 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  I am so sorry.  

How is the akathisia?  Have you been able to work?

Have you tried a good Omega 3?  It is really good for your brain, it can help with depression.

Is meditating helping to redirect your thought?

[Shellbell]

@greatful

nothing is helping. It’s just too late for me. It won’t ever get better. I’ve tried everything. There is only one way out of this unfortunately 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Shellbell. From your signature, I see you had a bad reaction to Cymbalta at the end of May 2020. Within a month, you stopped the Vicodin (acetaminophen and hydrocodone) that you had been taking for 5 years, then you experienced akathisia.

 

How did you go off Vicodin?

 

What was your reaction to Cymbalta? Had you taken any antidepressants prior to that?

 

You took Klonopin from November 2020 to early February 2021 and quit at 0.0935mg. Did you get any symptoms while tapering Klonopin? What were they?

 

What effect did Klonopin have on you while you were taking it?

 

My guess is you may have reacted badly to Cymbalta, but Cymbalta is not responsible for these protracted symptoms.

[Shellbell]

@Altostrata

 

thank you for reaching out

i quit vicodin cold turkey. Didn’t know any better and I was trying to get healthy

 

my reaction to cymbalta was a severe episode of akathesia after 3 pills. Didn’t understand what happened which is why I quit the vicodin. Trying to cleanse my system. 
 

ive never been depressed or anxious until I stopped the vicodin so never been on antidepressants in the past

 

klonopin was given to me for insomnia. I took it about 2 months and then tapered for a month. Very low dose. Didn’t seem to have any bad reactions coming off.  Didn’t help much being on it

 

the mirtazapine has been horrific coming off. On for two months. Then another two months of tapering. Again didn’t know any better. I suffered severe akathesia. Panic. Depression ever since

 

this entire thing has been going on for 14 months almost. Getting worse every day. I suffer from lupus and thyroid issues as well. Basically I just don’t think it’s going to get better. I don’t wish to continue on anymore as sad and horrific as that sounds

[Altostrata]

What was your symptom pattern from the time you went off Cymbalta May 28 to when you quit Vicodin nearly a month later?

 

How did mirtazapine affect you over about 4 months? Why did you start reducing it after 2 months?

 

How did your symptom pattern change while you were taking Klonopin for 2 months? Did it help you sleep? Why did you start reducing it after taking it for a month?

 

Did your sleep pattern change after you went off Klonopin?

[Shellbell]

@Altostrata

 

after I reacted to the cymbalta I suffered extreme panic and anxiety. Couldn’t understand why. The akathesia episode scared me so badly I think. I was ok for about a week. Then I stopped the vicodin. 
 

I started the mirtazapine because I wasn’t sleeping or eating and had anxiety and depression and it was suggested to me. It never helped with anything. Just made me exhausted and more depressed. Before the mirtazapine the drs tried other meds. But since I only tried one time of each med I didn’t include in my signature. It was lamictal, lexapro, and buspar. One pill of each. All gave me severe anxiety when I took

 

the klonopin helped me sleep at first. But stopped after awhile. I reduced because I wanted off all meds after reading about benzo and their bad effects. I wanted to be med free

 

my sleep pattern has been bad since I got off the vicodin. It’s gotten better with the melatonin. But still wake early in a panic every morning 

[Holly18]

Hey @Shellbell,

I see that you've been through alot of pain and that suicidal ideation is a constant struggle of yours. You also often say that it is too late for you to heal. 

I disagree with that last statement. Sure, it may seem to you like you never will be able to heal, but I never heard of someone who never healed - it's just that for some it make take longer.

 

I'm in the same boat as you, it's been 18 months since I tried to quit AD's and failed. Since then life is hell for me and I too deal with suicidal ideatioideation, so I know what you're going through. I know it is easier said than done, but try and take life one day at a time. When you feel like there is no hope and all is lost, remind yourself that it's withdrawal speaking through you. 

 

 

[Neon]

Dear @Shellbell

I just read your thread and I just wanted to drop in and say hi and that you are not alone in this.

Like the others I dont think it is too late for you at all. Akathisia is the worst symptom in the world, I suffer from it too at the moment and it makes you pray for death.

But I tell myself that it will get better everyday a hundred times or more, it is my mantra. The one thing about this condition that is known is that people heal from it. 

There are many success stories and many more stories of people finding stability even if they are still tapering.

14 months is a long time and it must have been excruciating but you are still here, you made it. When everyday is torture it feels like we cant go on but we actually can, it is quite incredible actually.

One day at a time and some day you will feel better and some day you will look back on this time, free from meds, and completely healed and sooner than that partially healed. It is possible. I have read many stories of people with akathisia and they all healed.

I know that there is nothing that I or anyone can say or do that makes your condition better right now. The only thing is time and hope and holding on, not giving up. These meds have taken our lives for now but they wont take our lives literally.

I really hope you have a window soon. Dont give up hope, you have done it for so long, you can do it.

And whenever you can read a book again try Viktor Frankl‘s book, I have read it in the past and it is amazing.

Love and hugs ❤️

[BfromNJ]

Girl I understand.  I'm struggling myself too right now.  Physical symptoms im not sure are withdraw/med related or not but everyday is a struggle to think of living like this.   Somehow I get through.   And then I'm so sad because I don't want to just "get through the day".   What is the point of that?   I wanna enjoy it!   I pray we get there. I will pray for you tonight.