DazzlingCold: 20 years on AD

[savinggrace]

Hi DC,

 

There is no answer to this question of how long anything will take.  I will repeat there is no one size fits all.  You have indicated you were stable at some point during or before all these changes.  Whatever stable looks like for you is what you should be aiming for.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you feel stable, stay at that place for a while before making another cut.  Let your nervous system have a break.

 

Did you know that collagen is high histamine?

[DazzlingCold]

Date May 24,2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

6:30am woke up tired

7:am breakfast, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

7:30am working, light sensitivity, some itching-allergies high

10:30 hungry. I get hungry at this time, Tired

11:45am lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min, itching after food and vitamins, light sensitivity 

12:45pm light sensitivity, dizziness, queasy, nauseous, foggy since I woke up

4pm wellbutrinXL 37.5mg, craving fruits more (since started eating them)

5:30pm dinner, fish oil 2600mg

6:30pm wellbutrin 37.5mg-forgot to take it at 4pm, physical anxiety, restlessness, tension in throat

9:15pm  in bed, magnesium glycinate 200mg, 0.38mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 5billion, fogginess clearing some, physical anxiety 

11:00pm sleep

No elevated mood today 

Drinking more water

 

My appetite has been out of control for decades. I have to keep myself from eating as much as I think about food so I can stick to healthy foods and decent portions. It’s one of the many reasons I want off these meds. I am always thinking about food as if I grew up with food insecurity. It’s a very uncomfortable obsession.

 

Noticed itching/flushing sensation on face and upper body yesterday and today after eating chicken, cabbage, celery, onion, yogurt, spices, beef bouillon, dill weed, 1vit and min. Removed collagen powder so that’s not it. Saharan dust has been high too the past 4-5 days.

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by ChessieCat
Resized font

[DazzlingCold]

Got this today from a man who teaches a lot about life, Cory Muscara. I wanted to share…

 

”We often don't feel grateful for our life when we're comparing ourselves to others who have something we want.

But the grass is always greener, and it always has way more shades than you can see from afar.

Perhaps gratitude has less to do with getting what we think we want, and more to do with the appreciation we feel for what it takes to show up for our unique human journey.”

 

i personally love that he doesn’t say loving the positive. Life is made up of positive and negative experiences and the more we accept and are compassionate towards the negative (interna and external), the easier I believe riding waves in general (not just WD ones) may be. They may not become comfortable, but showing up for the good and the bad I believe makes things a little better than resisting them. 

[DazzlingCold]

Date May 25,2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

 

6:30am woke up tired

7:30am breakfast, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

8:30am working, some itching-allergies high

10:30 hungry. I get hungry at this time, Tired. Green tea for fatigue

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min, regular itching as when allergens are high

12:45pm no light sensitivity when around more natural sunlight

4pm wellbutrin 37.5mg,

5pm workout

6:30pm dinner, fish oil 2600mg

7pm nauseous

9:30pm  in bed, magnesium glycinate 200mg, 0.38mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 5billion, fogginess clearing some, physical anxiety 

11:00pm sleep

No elevated mood today or yesterday

No anxiety or palpitations today

[Ninabird]

Hi there! 🌺

sounds like you had a pretty good day yesterday! Progress is happening. Baby steps. You’ve got this lovely human! 
xoxo

NB

[Ninabird]

For the first time in over a year, I woke up to the sound of birds singing and NOT morning anxiety. 
My ears are ringing and my head is mildly burning but I’m over the moon w a “normal,” start to my day. Healing is indeed happening!

[DazzlingCold]

Date May 26, 2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:30am breakfast, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

7:30am working

10:30 hungry, Tired, headache-allergens & ozone very high

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

2:45pm light sensitivity most morning and afternoon 

4:45pm wellbutrin 37.5mg,

5:30pm dinner, fish oil 2600mg

7pm tired

9:30pm  in bed, magnesium glycinate 200mg, 0.38mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 5billion

10:45pm sleep

No elevated mood, anxiety or palpitations

Day 13

Follicular phase

[DazzlingCold]

On 5/26/2022 at 10:48 AM, Ninabird said:

Hi there! 🌺

sounds like you had a pretty good day yesterday! Progress is happening. Baby steps. You’ve got this lovely human! 
xoxo

NB

Thank you! Been having good days. Appreciate the support. Glad to hear you’re feeling better after a whole year. 

[DazzlingCold]

On 5/26/2022 at 10:56 AM, Ninabird said:

For the first time in over a year, I woke up to the sound of birds singing and NOT morning anxiety. 
My ears are ringing and my head is mildly burning but I’m over the moon w a “normal,” start to my day. Healing is indeed happening!

You got me thinking about my anxiety baseline. And my “feel good” baseline. I didn’t think I had a great day Wednesday, but looking back. i was able to do things that other days are a huge struggle. Either way, happy to read about your healing.

[DazzlingCold]

Date May 27, 2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:30am breakfast, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

7:30am working

10:30 hungry, Tired, headache-allergens & ozone very high

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

2:45pm light sensitivity on/off most day so far

4:45pm wellbutrin 37.5mg,

5:30pm visiting sister

6pm dinner

7pm shopping

11:00pm, 0.38mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 5billion

1:30am sleep

No elevated mood, anxiety or palpitations

Day 14

Follicular phase

[DazzlingCold]

Date May 29, 2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

8:00am woke up

8:30am breakfast, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

10:30 lactium 167mg, probiotics 5million

1:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

5:30pm wellbutrin 37.5mg, dinner, fish oil 2800

11:00pm, bed 0.38mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 5billion

Palpitations most day, no anxiety, no elevated mood

Day 15

Follicular phase

[DazzlingCold]

Date May 31, 2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

9:00am woke up

9:30am breakfast, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

10:30 lactium 167mg, probiotics 5million

1:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

6:00pm wellbutrin 37.5mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

7:00pm movie with friends-social anxiety, not enjoying 

12:00am, bed 1.5mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 5billion, flonase

No Palpitations, no elevated mood

Day 17

Follicular phase

 

For a little more than a decade, I’ve been experiencing a huge appetite. I wonder if it’s the meds eventhough i jumped around them to see which one worked. It’s so bothersome because O have to keep holding back when my body wants to eat all day. It can’t be normal. It’s like the satiety part if my brain doesn’t work. Has anyone experienced this?

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 1,2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up very very tired

6:30am breakfast, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

7:30  work, itching face-allergies low

11:30am lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

3pm errands

5pm, wellbutrin 37.5

6pm dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

10:00pm, bed 1.5mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

Palpitations, irritability, negative rumination, anxiety, no elevated mood

Day 17

Follicular phase

 

If you’re not sure if you missed a dose (out of 3 in the day) during taper is it better to just take it or wait for next one?

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 3,2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up fatigued

6:30am breakfast, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

7:30am work

9:00 am itching face-pollen Im allergic to very low, retinol causing itching

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

3pm home, fatigued, iron 28mg, vit c 60mg, Folic acid 400mcg, vitamin B12 8mcg, nap

4:30pm wellbutrin 37.5

7:30pm dinner with friend, not enjoyable

11:00pm, bed .38mg melatonin, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion, mag glycinate 400mg

 

No elevated mood

Palpitations, irritability, negative rumination, very fatigued, agitation due to PMDD.

Day 20

Luteal phase (PMDD)

 

If you’re not sure if you missed a dose (out of 3 in the day) during taper is it better to just take it or wait for next one?

 

Also, thinking of taking zyrtec at night as the interactions with my morning meds nay be causing cognitive issues, and more tiredness in the am but not sure if it may help allergies during the day when im actually outside. Maybe I will start taking nigella oil with all three meals to help with allergies during the day. Once I get a good routine of more natural things to help, and less interactions I may do my 2nd dose reduction. All these are just thoughts I’ll keep in my mind for now.

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 4,2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

7:00am woke up very very tired

8:00am breakfast, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

9:00 am itching face-pollen Im allergic to very low, retinol causing itching

1:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

3pm nap

4:00 pm meal prep

4:30 workout

6:00pm, wellbutrin 37.5, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

6:30pm pool

12:00am, bed .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 200mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

No elevated mood

Palpitations, irritability, negative rumination, agitation due to PMS.

Day 21

Luteal phase PMS not as bad as PMDD

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 6,2022

 

Slept 5 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up very very tired

7:00am breakfast, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

7:30am work

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min, exhausted, weak, slow

4:00 pm visit sister

4:30pm nap

6:00pm, wellbutrin 37.5, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

7:30pm home

10:30pm bed .38mg melatonin, iron  28mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 7,2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

7:00am woke up very very tired

8:00am breakfast, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37.5mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37.5mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min, tired

3:30pm nap

6:00pm, wellbutrin 37.5, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

9:30pm bed .38mg melatonin, iron  28mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

No elevated mood

Irritability, fatigue negative rumination, due to PMS.

Day 24

Luteal phase PMS not as bad as usual PMDD but very fatigued and hungry as usual.

[DazzlingCold]

So while I’ve been ok this month through PMS days (have not touched clonazepam -for PMDD- once in about a month yay!), I feel teary. I wonder if the lack of tolerance for people, or anything im general, will improve eventually. I am very annoyed by people showing even slight of lacking boundaries, like a friends 15 year old looking inside my fridge to see what he was going to eat. Yes, I told them I could make something for them, not to go through all my fridge! I didn’t say anything that occasion. Other times with people in general I have been addressing things that bother me. But before this taper I didn’t get mad, I just asked nicely and felt people respected boundaries more. I know it’s my perspective that has changed a bit, as well as my attitude and tolerance. Looking back, it was when I excercised 3 times per week that I felt best. Meds never helped as much as excercise. 
 

Anyways, I find myself ruminating a lot more on negative things and feeling angry. Maybe I can’t see

past this right bow because of PMS so I will wait until next week to re think this. Im trying to not act on a lot of feelings because when my compass was skewed (unhealthy) due to trauma that lead to depression and anxiety, how can I trust I am making correct decisions? Im still learning to make decisions and act based on  wisdom and love (not fear- which I believe to be the opposite). Either way, I guess as long as I am human, I will err, right? So I won’t overthink this more. I’ve actually made good decisions overall. Ok… letting go

 

I just wonder if this is what tapering will be like until im done, and after no drugs when my system “balances”? I am realizing how I don’t care to socialize and Im annoyed by others easily. I think of how I enjoyed socializing more before. I moved around social and minor stressors or inconveniences with more ease. I coped better when my perspective was more calm and neutral. I also think i put up with things I shouldn’t have though. Like if meds helped me push certain things aside or not see they were wrong. So while I feel bitter now, Im also setting more boundaries because im much less tolerant. On the other hand, i feel a certain peace and likeI can act more from my value system than a need for dopamine rush. This is odd because Ive only dropped doses twice since April 2022 (although it was fast and too big). I start to wonder if there’s more than just the med changes behind all this. Maybe its growth? …Maybe several things… Whatever it is, I am craving way more alone time and prioritizing my inner world. That can’t be bad. 

 

I read the Shep’s Success Story. It’s beautiful. It gives me hope. There is mention of learning to be The Observer, and learn from withdrawal symptoms; to see them as teachers. I am all about both. It resonates so much with me. I have been practicing both things for over a year now. Try to not identify with emotions or thoughts. I am not them. i am the observer. Try to become aware of feelings and thoughts and the sensations in my body are trying me and see what they are trying to teach me. If i feel im starting to tense up here or there, am I feeling upset because a boundary is being crossed? Do I need to set a boundary?

 

I have also been desperately wanting to know if anhedonia has ended for people that have finished tapering slowly. This desperation comes and goes. Sometimes I think that even if it sticks around, there’s positives I have found either way. I experience anhedonia sometimes as a peaceful indiference. I would rather experience that, than the altered states of mind I have reached when in real high doses of multiple AD. It feels good to enjoy but it also came with a feeling of anxiety. I felt more motivated but like if someone else was in control. Now, at times, during anhedonia, I feel so indifferent towards most things that it doesn’t master what I choose to do, I wont feel so strongly and anxious so I focus on doing what’s good for me- for the most part. 
 

I think this is, and has been, a time of reconnecting with myself as I get closer to myself. A time of solitude that I enjoy. Lol before I used to get frustrated because I needed connection with others when I was by myself too much. Now, I get frustrated when socializing for more than 2 hours and want to run to my place and be by myself. I just hope eventually, things get more balanced with time so that I feel more appreciative for the time I have when connecting while also making sure I am connecting within. 

[DazzlingCold]

7 minutes ago, DazzlingCold said:

So while I’ve been ok this month through PMS days (have not touched clonazepam -for PMDD- once in about a month yay!), I feel teary. I wonder if the lack of tolerance for people, or anything im general, will improve eventually. I am very annoyed by people showing even slight of lacking boundaries, like a friends 15 year old looking inside my fridge to see what he was going to eat. Yes, I told them I could make something for them, not to go through all my fridge! I didn’t say anything that occasion. Other times with people in general I have been addressing things that bother me. But before this taper I didn’t get mad, I just asked nicely and felt people respected boundaries more. I know it’s my perspective that has changed a bit, as well as my attitude and tolerance. Looking back, it was when I excercised 3 times per week that I felt best. Meds never helped as much as excercise. 
 

Anyways, I find myself ruminating a lot more on negative things and feeling angry. Maybe I can’t see

past this right bow because of PMS so I will wait until next week to re think this. Im trying to not act on a lot of feelings because when my compass was skewed (unhealthy) due to trauma that lead to depression and anxiety, how can I trust I am making correct decisions? Im still learning to make decisions and act based on  wisdom and love (not fear- which I believe to be the opposite). Either way, I guess as long as I am human, I will err, right? So I won’t overthink this more. I’ve actually made good decisions overall. Ok… letting go

 

I just wonder if this is what tapering will be like until im done, and after no drugs when my system “balances”? I am realizing how I don’t care to socialize and Im annoyed by others easily. I think of how I enjoyed socializing more before. I moved around social and minor stressors or inconveniences with more ease. I coped better when my perspective was more calm and neutral. I also think i put up with things I shouldn’t have though. Like if meds helped me push certain things aside or not see they were wrong. So while I feel bitter now, Im also setting more boundaries because im much less tolerant. On the other hand, i feel a certain peace and likeI can act more from my value system than a need for dopamine rush. This is odd because Ive only dropped doses twice since April 2022 (although it was fast and too big). I start to wonder if there’s more than just the med changes behind all this. Maybe its growth? …Maybe several things… Whatever it is, I am craving way more alone time and prioritizing my inner world. That can’t be bad. 

 

I read the Shep’s Success Story. It’s beautiful. It gives me hope. There is mention of learning to be The Observer, and learn from withdrawal symptoms; to see them as teachers. I am all about both. It resonates so much with me. I have been practicing both things for over a year now. Try to not identify with emotions or thoughts. I am not them. i am the observer. Try to become aware of feelings and thoughts and the sensations in my body are trying me and see what they are trying to teach me. If i feel im starting to tense up here or there, am I feeling upset because a boundary is being crossed? Do I need to set a boundary?

 

I have also been desperately wanting to know if anhedonia has ended for people that have finished tapering slowly. This desperation comes and goes. Sometimes I think that even if it sticks around, there’s positives I have found either way. I experience anhedonia sometimes as a peaceful indiference. I would rather experience that, than the altered states of mind I have reached when in real high doses of multiple AD. It feels good to enjoy but it also came with a feeling of anxiety. I felt more motivated but like if someone else was in control. Now, at times, during anhedonia, I feel so indifferent towards most things that it doesn’t master what I choose to do, I wont feel so strongly and anxious so I focus on doing what’s good for me- for the most part. 
 

I think this is, and has been, a time of reconnecting with myself as I get closer to myself. A time of solitude that I enjoy. Lol before I used to get frustrated because I needed connection with others when I was by myself too much. Now, I get frustrated when socializing for more than 2 hours and want to run to my place and be by myself. I just hope eventually, things get more balanced with time so that I feel more appreciative for the time I have when connecting while also making sure I am connecting within. 

The altered states of mind I describe where I felt more strongly about things (not indifferent) also made to make my happiness more conditional. When indifferent, I chose from a place of less impulsivity and less instant gratification which makes mw feel more proud of myself. I wonder if the meds made me bipolar by de balancing my nervous system a d what i describe as altered states is mania. Good thing im taking trace minerals now through the day.  I wonder what the perspective on bipolar is from moderators. Ive read that some people diagnosed with bipolar found help by tapering off  lithium, the medicine, and starting lithium, the natural mineral. 

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 8,2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

 

7:00am have not woken up feeling rested for about 4-6 weeks.

8:00am breakfast, a little coffee with milk, turmeric and cinammon, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 7.5mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 2 puffs spiriva respimat

12:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min, tired

3:30pm errands

5:30pm workout

7:00pm, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil, 1 puff albuterol (saharan dust wave) 

10:30pm bed .75mg melatonin, mag glycinate 400mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

-Taking trace minerals with 32oz of water approx throughout day since 6/7/22

-No elevated mood, 

-Irritability, little fatigue, negative rumination, more sensitive and teary due to PMS. Lower tolerance in general for past 3 weeks. 

-Cycle day 25 

-Luteal phase/PMS not as bad as usual PMDD. 

 

Been eating more fruits, veggies, organic foods (specially meats and animal products) for 3 weeks, no alcohol for 2 mths, a lot less coffee, more green tea with ginger turmeric and cinnamon, which brings sense of well being and focus. Been adding a tiny tiny tiny bit of nigella oil to food depending on what I cook. Using turmeric as much as possible without ruining food’s taste. Eating unsweetened nut butters without palm oil or additives.  Using vanilla, little honey, cinnamon, fruits and spices to sweeten things to use less sugar. I have come to really enjoy fruits. I am in love with blueberries and with almond butter (which I add cinnamon to)!! Going to start adding fatty fish to my regular diet. Looking for less toxic, affordable, personal care items like sunscreen. (Applied for a better paying job to afford healthier foods lol =P.)

 

Lots of changes, I know. But these are things Ive been wanting to implement as staples in my diet long term. Trying to get my body healthier for taper as well after reading Giak’s blog on beyondmeds.com and researching low histamine foods (I have seasonal allergies and asthma due to allergies most of the year) and foods that help lower estrogen. My hormones have been tested so I know my levels are unbalanced which could be a major contributor for PMDD. 

 

I have not felt the need to touch clonazepam or hydroxizine or omeprazole for 3-4 weeks! My neck hurts a lot despite muscle strengthening so I did take meloxicam 1 day and cyclobenzaprine another, but trying to use TENS machine and stretching more. 

 

Today I had pickled jalapeños and my stomach felt bloated. Im sure it’s getting more sensitive because of coffee and of course the jalapeños so i will go down on coffee again as im doing it more often since last week. 

[Ariel]

@DazzlingCold

Sending warm wishes for healing and peace <3

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 13, 2022

 

Slept 5 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:300am breakfast, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, Nigella oil, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

12:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min, boss super rude the past week & today

1:00pm want to cry, meeting 

4pm: crying spell

5:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

10:30pm bed .75mg melatonin, mag glycinate 400mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

-Taking trace minerals with 32oz of water approx throughout day since 6/7/22

-No elevated mood, 

-Cycle day 2-menstrual phase

-PMDD lasted 5 days instead of 12. 

 

Good morning, Rough afternoon and evening after boss has been rude for a week. Wanting to cry most afternoon and evening. Neck/shoulder/back has been hurting a lot for about 4 days even when I worked out three times last week. Don’t feel like doing anything but cry

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/12/2022 at 2:06 PM, Ariel said:

@DazzlingCold

Sending warm wishes for healing and peace ❤️

Thank you @Ariel You too!

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 14, 2022

 

Slept 5 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:30am breakfast, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 2 puff spiriva respimat

10am hydrox-adeno b12 1000mcg

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

12:30 pm sleepy

4:30pm elevated mood, talkative 

5:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

10:30pm bed .75mg melatonin, mag glycinate 200mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

11:00pm neck pain is killing me, 1mg cyclobenzaprine 

 

-Taking trace minerals with 32oz of water approx throughout day since 6/7/22

-Cycle day 3-menstrual phase

-PMDD lasted 5 days instead of 12. 

 

 Hard time not losing train of thought and focus. More than usual carless mistakes. negative self talk, little social anxiety, time Perception altered-day seemed to go by very very fast. Realized that ever since I started this taper I sometimes stutter a tiny tiny bit. It’s as if anxiety and cognitive issues happen when i am starting an idea and I repeat the beginning letter of some words just a couple of times in what I can’t describe as anything but a very slight, almost unoticeable stutter.

 

Edited June 15, 2022 by ChessieCat
Resized font

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 15, 2022

 

Slept 6.5 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:30am breakfast, nigella oil, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 2 puff spiriva respimat

7:30-9am nap

10am hydrox-adeno b12 400mcg

12:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

1pm dental appointment 

5:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

10:00pm bed, tension in throat, .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 400mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

-Taking trace minerals with 32oz of water approx throughout day since 6/7/22. Will update my signature asap. 

-Cycle day 4-menstrual phase

 

Memory issues, some social anxiety. When Im by myself at home most of the day, I don’t seem to have (or notice) anything past very mild withdrawal. What has been constant is the lower brain activity, indifference/peace, mood swings, acting from value system and not dopamine rushes, some social anxiety, apprehension, irritability, enjoying solitude more, not enjoying socializing much- except at work. Today was better than the past two days though

[DazzlingCold]

Just now, DazzlingCold said:

Date  June 15, 2022

 

Slept 6.5 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:30am breakfast, nigella oil, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 2 puff spiriva respimat

7:30-9am nap

10am hydrox-adeno b12 400mcg

12:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

1pm dental appointment 

5:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

10:00pm bed, tension in throat, .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 400mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

-Taking trace minerals with 32oz of water approx throughout day since 6/7/22. Will update my signature asap. 

-Cycle day 4-menstrual phase

 

Memory issues, some social anxiety. When Im by myself at home most of the day, I don’t seem to have (or notice) anything past very mild withdrawal. What has been constant is the lower brain activity, indifference/peace, mood swings, acting from value system and not dopamine rushes, some social anxiety, apprehension, irritability, enjoying solitude more, not enjoying socializing much- except at work. Today was better than the past two days though

Outside of about 1/4 of coffee in the am, i sip on green tea with turmeric, ginger, cinnamon, pepper, lemongrass until no later than 2pm (caffeine or stimulating substances cut off time so I can get to sleep on time). Green tea gives me a sense of well being. 

[DazzlingCold]

This reduction of lexapro has been A LOT more manageable than the big one last time.

 

I’ve really been digging into my genetics to understand predispositions. One of them, is lower dopamine which I believe is a gene that was expressed as I experience everything the gene is about. Except im supposed to deal well with stress according to that one predisposition and I’m not sure I do. I’m also predisposed for fatigue which I experience episodes of and may have to do with dopamine as well. Not sure, just speculating.
 

Interestingly, the 4 genes ive researched the most about, are ones I share with my fraternal twin sister who suffers from the same symptoms of low dopamine (higher COMT). We are also both heterozygous MTHFR. 
ive read that you could even  be homozygous and not be affected by the mutation of genes. From what Ive read the genes that are expressed in my sister and me, and  what I see my family history I can see how I and other in my family may have been affected. Therefore, I started hydroxy adenosyl b12 lozenges which I started taking at 1000mcg for two days and will do 400mcg from now on and see how I feel in a couple of weeks. Wether it’s genetic or not, certain symptoms are still true experiences for me. I like learning for a the sake of it either way and I have sure learned a lot I didn’t know about genetics. Tip my hat to geneticists!

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 16, 2022

 

Slept 6.5 hours last night

 

6:00am woke up tired

6:30am breakfast, nigella oil, a little coffee with turmeric and cinammon, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 2 puff spiriva respimat

7:30-9am nap

10am hydrox-adeno b12 400mcg

12:30pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit and min

4pm workout

6:00pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

10:00pm bed, not sleepy, .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 200mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

Great day overall

 

-Taking trace minerals with 32oz of water approx throughout day since 6/7/22. Will update my signature asap. 

-Cycle day 6-menstrual phase

 

I have been taking more precise doses of Wellbutrin xl made into liquid the following way…

  1. Cut pill in 1/2 (i cut 300mg XL pills I have, as doctors gladly prescribed those but didn’t want to help changing to IR)

For every 100mg of wellbutrin, I added 10ml of water

Put pills in water for about ~1.5 hours or until pill inside coat dissolves or comes out by pressing the coating, or I can easily peel it with my nails.

At that time, I take coating pieces out. If i leave them for too long in water, the coating layers start to come apart and dissolve too.

Let pills (now that coating is off) dissolve completely and added a pinch of salt. The black code on pills will linger in the solution.             Mixture looks a lot more homogeneous than saline solution with lexapro I take. 

So since I am taking 111mg per day, I used 3 300mg XL (to equate 900mg) pills for it to last 7 days. I cut them in half (so the inside dissolves) and put them in 90ml of water. I take 3.7ml 3/day.

[DazzlingCold]

While I have stayed away from alcohol mostly, I drank yesterday and I don’t like how I feel today. I won’t beat myself up for it. Honestly, Im grateful for this experience as it keeps reinforcing that I want to continue a life without it. Maybe the occasional glass of wine, but that is it. 
 

When I was on a higher does of AD, I drank a lot, ironically. But after two months of having very very little alcohol, I can say I am enjoying the smaller things in life. I am no longer willing to “improve” experiences with it as if there is something innately wrong with life, or more specifically… my life. I feel pride in taking care of myself in this way and in all ways. I am loving myself when I do that. 
 

Looking back, some of the issues I had physically and mentally where definitely created, or exacerbated by alcohol. I no longer have acid reflux, and PMDD has improved. Anxiety has lowered, and I have become more tolerant of it, in a good way. Anxiety, boredom, sadness, anger, etc… are part of the human experience and need to be felt. Anxiety serves a purpose and by accepting it and my loving my amygdala and nervous system for its intention to keep me safe, even if it’s by shooting me i to fight or flight, I have been able to navigate anxiety and stress with a little more ease. Not so much social anxiety, but that’s ok.

I feel I am at a point in my life where I feel so comfortable in my own company. Something inside is needing healing, attention, love, and growth and I am honoring that. I am no longer willing to not be myself in social situations as if being me is wrong. But while some healing happens, social anxiety creeps in, because its also part of the human experience. So I welcome it and I love it because that, and everything else, is what helps me embrace my human experience more fully and wholly. 
 

Very emotional day for me today. Great reinforcer that alcohol is not a substance I want in my life often or in more than 1 glass. Anyways… Happy father’s day to all. To those who have a wound by the masculine… It is very real. May we be able to embrace and love, and/or grow to respect, the healthy masculine in all of us for the sake of our personal  balance. 

[ChessieCat]

 

On 5/10/2022 at 3:54 PM, DazzlingCold said:

I fear that because I started taking ADs when I was 19

 

I'm 64 now, started ADs in my mid 30s due to many major life stressors from the age of 19.  I didn't receive any counselling at that time.

 

In 2014 (before I reduced my drug and found SA) I did an online CBT course which I found very helpful especially for coping with withdrawal issues.  I also learned (and now use) many other non drug coping techniques after finding SA.  Many of them have been helpful for other health issues and coping with life stressors.

 

Something that I think would be helpful for people who started on an AD at a young age is to find a counsellor who can teach them general life coping skills and self soothing techniques.  If it was me, I would not be mentioning anything to do with ADWD simply because it would give them a bias (possibly it is all in your head, or everything is WD).

 

 

 

 

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 22, 2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

7:00am woke up tired

7:30am fasting for physical blood work, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Singulair 5mg, Zyrtec 10mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat

10:30 nap

11:30 Dr appointment, very tired

1:00pm lunch, green tea with turmeric, ginger & cinammon, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit & min, nigella oil

2:30pm Adenosyl/Hydroxy B12

5:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, dinner, fish oil 2,600, nigella oil

6:30pm visit parents, very tired

10:00pm bed, .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 200mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

Peaceful & tired overall

 

-Cycle day 11- follicular phase

[DazzlingCold]

What has been on my mind lately....

I take montelukast (Singular) every day, and Zyrtec and tapering off AD first, but will be looking for more information on tapering off those and what changes need to be done to deal with allergy and asthma symptoms. If anyone who reads this has any info, it is welcomed. 

Also, by the time I am done tapering ADs, it would have been on singulair and Zyrtec for 12 years or so which I don't like but if waiting and doing this slowly means more life quality then it is what it is....

 

Today has been the first day since April 2022 that I feel more of a better mood, kind of happier, chattier, but also with a little less peace, feeling more prone to search for dopamine rushes (but not entirely there), and I wonder why that it. I did have to have a full cup of coffee aside from my green tea bc I have been super tired all day and I woke up feeling inflamed and unrested. Not sure if it was because I had 3 donuts yesterday bc I had anxiety about my weight being low and well who doesn't like donuts lol. And because I have forgotten to take singulair today and yesterday and because I ate a little later than usual last night. It's a good feeling, but it throws me off at the same time. It comes with motivation, but also a tad of almost a little impulsivity and slight lack of filter which can be refreshing but a tiny bit inappropriate (although seldom offensive) . I believe I get like this during ovulation now that I think about it. While on AD it was most of the time, but ever since April, I believe it has only happened during ovulation. I will check my time journal here to find out. 

[DazzlingCold]

16 minutes ago, DazzlingCold said:

What has been on my mind lately....

I take montelukast (Singular) every day, and Zyrtec and tapering off AD first, but will be looking for more information on tapering off those and what changes need to be done to deal with allergy and asthma symptoms. If anyone who reads this has any info, it is welcomed. 

Also, by the time I am done tapering ADs, it would have been on singulair and Zyrtec for 12 years or so which I don't like but if waiting and doing this slowly means more life quality then it is what it is....

 

Today has been the first day since April 2022 that I feel more of a better mood, kind of happier, chattier, but also with a little less peace, feeling more prone to search for dopamine rushes (but not entirely there), and I wonder why that it. I did have to have a full cup of coffee aside from my green tea bc I have been super tired all day and I woke up feeling inflamed and unrested. Not sure if it was because I had 3 donuts yesterday bc I had anxiety about my weight being low and well who doesn't like donuts lol. And because I have forgotten to take singulair today and yesterday and because I ate a little later than usual last night. It's a good feeling, but it throws me off at the same time. It comes with motivation, but also a tad of almost a little impulsivity and slight lack of filter which can be refreshing but a tiny bit inappropriate (although seldom offensive) . I believe I get like this during ovulation now that I think about it. While on AD it was most of the time, but ever since April, I believe it has only happened during ovulation. I will check my time journal here to find out. 

So no elevated mood during ovulation in May 2022. That is not a factor then. I would say that today I don't feel such elevated mood as other times when it is actually bothersome. Today it feels less intense, less consuming and more manageable.

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 24, 2022

 

Slept 8 hours last night

 

6:30am woke up very tired and feeling unrested, inflamed, drank green tea with turmeric, ginger & cinammon

 

7:30am work, coffee, wellbutrin 37mg. Lexapro liquid 6.8mg, Zyrtec 20mg, 1 puff spiriva respimat, Forgot Singulair

 

11:00am Adenosyl/Hydroxy B12

 

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg, 1/5 dose of vit & min

 

2pm feeling better, less tired and less foggy

 

5:30pm dinner with friends, wellbutrin 37mg

 

11:00pm bed, .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 200mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

Trace minerals with water all day

 

Tired and feeling inflamed most day. Maybe because I ate dinner a little later than usual last night and I had 3 donuts and forgot to take singulair 2 days in a row. Been feeling very tired since yesterday too.

 

-Cycle day 13- follicular phase

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 27, 2022

 

Slept 6.5 hours last night

 

6am woke up

 

6:30am breakfast, green tea with turmeric, ginger & cinnamon, lexapro 6.8mg, Wellbutrin 37mg, nigella oil, zyrtec 10mg, singular 10mg

 

7:30am work

 

10:00am Adenosyl/Hydroxy B12

 

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg

 

6:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, fish oil 2600mg, nigella oil

 

7:40pm in bed, I can’t with life today

 

8:30pm .38mg melatonin, mag glycinate 400mg, lactium 167mg, probiotics 10billion

 

-Trace minerals with water all day

 

-Cycle day 16- follicular phase

 

For an ovulation cycle, I’ve been having a lot of fatigue. Today, i was in shock before work to see Peta’s videos and pictures of dog abuse petitions. I have not been able to shake it off. I cried before work. Ive been wanting to cry all day. How does humanity breed and domesticate dogs to then treat them cruelly? Where is the strength in organizations and regulatory powers that would ensure at least ethical practices are followed?

 

I cannot believe we live in a world were we (i include myself because my greater empathy for animals only started 2 years ago or so) are so egocentric that we think animals are for use and that we can be cruel to them. I have meat in my freezer I don’t want to eat. I’m torn between expenses and starting a life more aligned to my new value of more empathy to other living creatures. 

 

It breaks my heart to see how so many animals are treated so we can have stupid handbags and such high (and most likely unnecessary) protein intake to have a lifestyle we believe may bring comfort and luxury. And we do these at the expense of other living beings as if only our species is worthy. We absolutely are not worthy when Earth and its life is placed next to us and we act in such ways. 

 

Today I grief for all the atrocity we have caused to what was given for us to coexist with, not to own. Or if we are going to own life, we should do so by caring for it. Today I felt hopeless and helpless about a world that seems like a horrible place to live in. I feel guilty for all the ways in which I have participated indirectly in cruelty to life. What does all this put us as a society when this is how we treat the most defenseless. My heart is too heavy to function normally. 

 

I wish I could do more for the living beings we share this world with. Im considering stopping all animal product consumption and getting the most products possible that are against animal cruelty. If we all have suffered in one way or another how has it been so hard for us to care more deeply for animals? Today this world looks like one I don’t want to participate in. The pain is so deep. 

 

Maybe this is a wave that was exacerbated by alcohol. Whatever it is, it’s all consuming. To think my lifestyle before this last tapering journey included so much alcohol. How much more dissociated did I need to be for my life to be satisfactory. God, the more I think about meds and alcohol and the poor choices I made for myself, the more I wonder if AD were helpful at all or just destroyed my soul. 

 

How could I have made better choices for myself when I’m not even entirely myself. I do remember a life were I was so sensitive, so many things wore me down, like today. But today I make the choice to feel it and to workout tomorrow to keep myself healthy and to help my nervous system. Today I don’t drink or take clonazepam to cope. Today, I pray and I cry because it is just as human, and ok, as laughing and celebrating. 

[DazzlingCold]

Date  June 28, 2022

 

Slept 7 hours last night

 

6am woke up

 

6:30am breakfast, 1/2cup coffee, lexapro 6.8mg, Wellbutrin 37mg, nigella oil, zyrtec 10mg, singular 10mg

 

7:30am work, sad, depressed, green tea with turmeric, ginger & cinnamon

 

9:30am Adenosyl/Hydroxy B12

 

12:00pm lunch, wellbutrin 37mg

 

5:30pm dinner, wellbutrin 37mg, fish oil 2600mg, nigella oil

 

9:30pm  mag glycinate 200mg, probiotics 10billion

 

-Trace minerals with water all day

-Cycle day 17- follicular phase

 

Better than yesterday

 

Rough morning… Better evening… tired… didn’t workout but felt creative and started a paint-by-number piece at night. 

 

With these two reductions, I have seen exponential growth. First was the change in lifestyle to a healthier one and gaining ability to appreciate the smaller things more as well as feeling empowered and proud to act from my value system, as opposed to being a slave to dopamine rushes. Gained a lot of awareness about past experiences and choices.

This second reduction came with a big wave that has awakened sensitivity and compassion for Earth and animals. Its been painful as chewing on ground beef brings horrible animal cruelty images to my mind. So much that I could not handle eating meat today. If animals were treated with compassion, maybe I would think about consuming then for nutrition. Unfortunately, that’s not the case, and my heart just can’t continue knowing certain choices I make are causing such atrocities to other beings. 

I thought these animal thing was a wave only related thing, and maybe it was. But I was impacted to the bone and I am glad. I suffered from abuse when I was defenseless. It breaks my heart to see others in the same situation. And animals are not “just animals” for me. We share this world with each other. So many animals, even silk worms, have nervous systems similar, in  some ways, to us. 

 

I wonder if future reductions will come with more drastic changes. I feel Ive already changed so much so fast that every part of my being still needs to catch up. So hopefully, future changes will be slower and more subtle before it is time to level up again. 
 

i often wonder which factors have affected this much growth that’s happened so fast. Could it be my past psilocybin intake paired with tapering? Because I did start appreciating nature, and accepting my more human states of mind, more since medium and micro doses of it. Maybe it was overdue growth from practices I have been implementing, including heavy sessions of inner child work and somatic experiencing.

 

Hmmm 🤔 🧐  or maybe its Maybelline 🤣 (lol, my jokes 🤦🏻‍♀️… gotta find the funny somewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️)

 

Edited June 30, 2022 by ChessieCat
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