☼ Wolfhound desperate on Mirtazapine

[alex]

OH mamma....you are such a wonderful corageous human being!

Great post!

It reminds me the terrible times not too long ago, when I had to struggle for survival EVERY day.

I remember the day when I almost finished all.

This is a terrible experience that the common people don't even think about.

As you, I am glad I'm still here;still fighting, but A LOT better.

I often think WHY ME?? Well, I don't know....but one thing I do know:what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

And not only stronger.but wiser, better person.

 

And Wolfhound, please hang in there, it WILL get better.

[Muddles]

I too am in this state.

 

Lost myself and any feelings. I drove for hours last week with askthasia....trying to think of the best way out. Police, crisis team and physchiatrist involved - none of which believe my symtoms are drug related. Suicidle thoughts are constant.

 

I am not able to look after my kids...practically bed bound because I have no reason to get up.

I was once - only a couple if months ago, the most loving devoted mother my children could ask for. Couldnt go a night without seeing them. now they are shipped off anywhere - anywhere away from my suffering. and what hirts me the mist is that i do not miss them. this kills most...I have lost all feelings.

 

I still have a long withdrawel process. You are ahead of me and sure you will one day heal and come back on here with the worst behind you....egging me and others to continue.

 

I am crying for you right now. I am also crying for our husbands and children. We have become victims of these terrible drugs and no-one out there to hold responsible.

 

I will pray for you.

[Wolfhound]

I knew of someone recovering from benzo , and, I think, an AD, who rec overed from akathesia. Thought he wouldn't, but finally it got much better. So guess its about time. Hang in there.

Thank you. Do you know him/her personally?

[Wolfhound]

Hi Wolfhound, I know the feeling you are experiencing, the peace that comes

from the knowledge that it will end on X day. Knowing that it isn't going to go on for another

single day after that.  When I was in that state I they called it 'agitated depression' .  

Yolana Lucire writes excellent articles and I can see you and I in them, many others here too.

 

I wanted to disappear, and could not do nothing. I had to go out, somewhere, anywhere.

The inner torment was something I could never find words for. Now it is akathisia.( Not sure

if that's the right spelling.)   

Once I was out I would run away from the hospital and look for places to hide. Once I found

the perfect place, under a tombstone! It was like a bed, the stone rested on 2 stones each end

and was perfect.  Until I noticed the beer cans and fast food wrappers and realised it was someone 

else's perfect spot too and didn't fancy sharing! It was actually worse in the hospital because I was 

away from my family and they were getting on with life without me, they wouldn't miss me if I was gone

forever. I was dead anyway, whatever made me had disappeared and was never coming back. 

 

I didn't exist any more in my mind. All I had to do was dispose of the body that was tormenting me by

refusing to die, or even sleep. Oh my, remembering all this now I am shaking my head in disbelief!  

I didn't know anything about medications, or that they made people so sick.  There was no internet then,

at least for most ordinary people, so information wasn't freely available.  

I am glad I didn't commit suicide.  I would not have been there for my girls when they got married, had

their children. I wouldn't have been there to hold my son's hand when he had a serious brain bleed. 

He was critically ill but his vitals settled when I arrived and took his hand. I wouldn't have been there

when my husband died. My children would have been orphans, 2 of them school age. 

 

None of us know what the future holds, and even though I thought my kids didn't need me then,  they

did need me, more than I could have imagined at that time.  I am glad I am still here, even though I still 

feel withdrawal, and at some time almost every day I feel like I want to die.  I know what it is now, and 

know it will pass.

 

It will pass for you too. If it helps you to have a day when it will all end, then do that. And on Monday, 

find another day, not too far away. I have got through some equally bad times in withdrawal last year

by telling myself that it can be tomorrow. Always tomorrow. That got me through all the 'todays' . 

One day you will wake up and realise that today you actually feel just a teeny bit better and I hope it is very soon. 

 

Thank you mammap, you write marvelously. And akathisia is really spelled like this. I know it even if my spelling in English is horrible and typos !! Well, what an I supposed to write like, I have a PhD in French language and literature...

Yes, it is really like this. I want to dispose of my physical shelf. It is the only think I want. I am dead, the person I once was, is dead, is not here anymore, there is only an obssessive stranger in my body.

I set plans. I want to run to the bus stop, find a bus to a mountain reagion there, where my husband was born and raised in one beautiful small town and where we spent the most beautiful days of our lives. I am right now obssessed with the idea I must reach the town and die there, nowhere else but there, I am obssessed that my grave must be in my beloved mountain region. I a mere visitor in my body, I observe my thinking and my action like there were two people in my inner self. One observes and the chemicaly induced one creates obssessions. I think you understand.

[Wolfhound]

Muddles, oh Muddles,

You made me cry. I was like you, months ago. I was the most devoted mother, I simply breath for my children. Now, it is gone.

Psychiatrists acknoledged my drug induced akathisia, but they do not do it with my withrawal suicidal depression.

Muddles, you are in Britain, aren´t you...did you contact Dr. Healy? He will recognise akathisia, for sure.

I am crying for you, for our destroyed families, for my crying husband, who is so desperate he would go to hell and back to help me, for my three children who do not understand what is happening with their once active mom...I am crying for my parents who do not understand.

And for all of us.

[Muddles]

I wish I could hug you - just for a while. From one broken hearted mother and wife to another.

 

 

We made it another day. Lets make it another tomorrow.

X

[EternalOptimist]

 

I knew of someone recovering from benzo , and, I think, an AD, who rec overed from akathesia. Thought he wouldn't, but finally it got much better. So guess its about time. Hang in there.

 

Thank you. Do you know him/her personally?

Yes, phone benzo buddy in Canada. We've not connected in awhile given

We moved on with our lives.

[btdt]

Muddles, oh Muddles,

You made me cry. I was like you, months ago. I was the most devoted mother, I simply breath for my children. Now, it is gone.

Psychiatrists acknoledged my drug induced akathisia, but they do not do it with my withrawal suicidal depression.

Muddles, you are in Britain, aren´t you...did you contact Dr. Healy? He will recognise akathisia, for sure.

I am crying for you, for our destroyed families, for my crying husband, who is so desperate he would go to hell and back to help me, for my three children who do not understand what is happening with their once active mom...I am crying for my parents who do not understand.

And for all of us.

I just read your thread Wolfhound.... 

This is a drug reaction.  Burn that into your soul.  This is not a defect in you and it will pass.  It may take some time it will be a battle but it will end.  Fight like hell fight back. When urges come talk back to it tell it to go to hell say I know you for what you are a drug reaction you will not trick me and steal my future.  Turn away from it.  Hide in bed if this is the only place you trust yourself whatever it takes.  Get thru this and eventually it will end. Along with this comes negativity also from the drugs so you will be pulled down... know this is A DRUG REACTION. 

Dissociation and depersonalization are both symptoms of this drug reaction they too will end... all this will end it is not real life it is a drug reaction.

All of it. 

 

I have lived thru it all and it is just a drug reaction. It will end. 

 

I had no help when I was going thru this none at all I was sure I was insane and as a single mother who had just learned her childs father was an addict there was no place to turn.  He looked good on paper and was desperately trying to get my kid if I started telling the truth about what was in my head he would be gone to the determent of the child.  So I shut my mouth I did my silent struggle in time slots when said child was asleep and at school.  No I did not get thru it all the time without falling and making an ass of myself. I did however get thru this and you will too. 

 

Hold on and fight back tell those who love you to come to this page and see the experience of all of us others here who have been thru this.  It is real.  Turn away from it. 

 

I took up crocheting I knew one stitch.  I got yarn from the junk store all different colours and style and sizes ... and one crochet hook. I made an afghan -  a blanket type thing to put on the couch... it did not matter what it looked like it did not matter what I did with it after the point was it calmed my mind... gave me something to do when others were around to keep me stable enough to fake it.  It really did help me. 

If you don't know how to knit there is something about the repetitive nature of not having to think but focusing on something simple that helped me. A rocking chair helped some times. 

I also cut out patterns for quilts simple square quilts I cut so many squares to some day sew into a quilt. 

 

I baked muffins and battled chickens... for some reason during this time I was repulsed by meat was afraid of it... but my kid had to eat so I did kitchen battles.  I am sure I could tell some stories here that some would some day find funny... as a couple come to mind.  

 

It will come in stages the first stage is mostly in bed... even then watch what you let into you head you cannot afford to let in crap.  I know your doing research and believe me if I had a way to I would have but I had no way then.  

I can't think of anything your going to find online that is going to top this site and the advice you get here. Not for dealing with this type of suicidal reaction if it were a different type of suicidal reaction I would recommend this book.... 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Suicide-Decision-Paul-G-Quinnett/dp/0824513525/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1392397811&sr=1-7&keywords=suicide

 

if suicide remains an issue later in a hit and miss type fashion get the book but right now this is drug reaction and it needs to be waited out... 

 

There are things to do to get the upper hand....distraction...

focus on something else 

knitting 

comb your hair

draw 

write a story about a princess... or write anything else keep it happy... happy topic do not let the negative go on... if it turns negative drop it to the floor and leave it there... turn away

read kids stories 

ones you know how they end

watch cartoons

bath

soak your feet

eat 

wash things ...anything it does not matter what you do... focus on something that has neutral connotations

search things online like the most beautiful nature pictures in the world

waterfalls

sunsets

color yes with crayons and a coloring book.

do word search books

do a puzzle a kids one

 

The point is your brain is healing even tho you do not feel it ...your brain is healing.  Any mundane sort of thing that does not cause emotion in you will help your brain to heal if your focusing on mundane it is less likely you will have intrusive thoughts because your brain has something to do.  If it does happen fight back and take you brain back... change what your doing have something else to go to. 

I had the crochetting I would go pick it up when I needed to calm myself.

 

try to stop and wait for your next thought... watch for it with practice this will help you control you thoughts if you mind wanders come right back to watching when your watching your though process stops or this is what I have found it may take some practice.  

 

Here is my point the way I see this anyway.

 

Your healing even if you don't know it.  The trick is to engage your brain in things that it can easily do... and involves some motor processes ...ordinary boring things.

You will heal eventually the time it takes to heal varies.  How you spend this time affects the healing process.  Limit the emotions as this is not helpful... mundane is what we are shooting for here.

Quiet calm mundane focus and engage as your able.

Mundane gives your brain the right circumstances to heal.... as for family they all need to calm down and not make this worse by stressing out ... step it all down a notch is what you need.  

What bores you and calms you will become apparent in time you will also know how much better you feel doing these things... in time you will see. 

Have a bit of faith that we who have lived this know something about it...   i am not saying there is not a lot of things to be pissed about I am saying being pissed now is not good for you.  There will be plenty of time after you have healed more to deal with all that but this is the first step... you have to get thru this first. 

I hope something I have said helps you. 

I had no idea when your responded to my post that you were in this state... it is amazing to me that you try to help others even when you feel so bad... what a wonderful spirit... peace to you Wolf... peace to you. 

 

Slow and steady is the way to go.  

[Wolfhound]

Thanks. I do not feel like writing now but thanks a lot.

i had unfortunately yesterday an onset of new symptoms mostly physical

and i am afraid i started hallucinating today i dont know but i see weird visual things and persons i dont feel safe anymore

btdt once more thank you

i ll try answering later

[Muddles]

I'm thinking of you.

 

Hallucinations are.a known withdrawel symptom / especially from mirtazapine.

 

We're here if you need us.

[btdt]

Don't feel any pressure to answer any of my posts I know exactly where you are.  I get it.  Seeing things is disturbing but not lethal and in the process does not mean much else that I can think of.  I hallucinated getting off prozac and effexor at the end of the day that was all I can say it about...nothing else changed with it the withdrawal symptoms were like they always are changeable and varied. 

Best to have somebody around if that helps you feel safe.  I was alone with my child when I went thru this with prozac... initially as the partner was away and shortly after we broke up.  I don't think he had a clue what was going on and neither did I.  

There is nothing they can do to fix this that I know of.  Let it pass like water off a ducks back... I know it is not that easy but there is nothing else I can think of that helps there is nothing else I know. 

Seeing and hearing things is just part of it.. I think of it as a bad acid trip I use to hear about this on tv shows from the 60's I think it is like that only the reaction is not expected... some how I think it is the same just longer term. 

I can't prove it this is just my instincts.  

I will say between the prozac reaction and the cold turkey reaction from effexor that both had hallucinations as part of the fallout I did not have one hallucination... so I am quite sure it is drug induced and withdrawal induced not an organic issue. 

 

When this is over you will not hallucinate I tell you this as that is why I kept taking the drugs so I would not hallucinate any more so I would be sane.  I did not know and do not want to see you fall in that trap you need to know when this is done there will be no more hallucinations.  I went 17 years between the prozac reaction to the effexor ct reaction... no hallucinations. 

Since the early stages of Effexor withdrawal no hallucinations. None. 

[bubble]

If I may, thank you so much btdt on behalf of Wolfhound.

 

I haven't experienced hallucination (Lexapro 'treated' me with the experience of depersonalization) so I can only imagine how horrible this can be. Hearing somebody who actually survived such experience is priceless.

 

We are all here for Wolfhound on this journey. I'm so happy when people with same experiences share them with her.

[btdt]

I have this feeling that like me there are many more who do not say because they are protecting things.. jobs reputations kids in a divorce court... much of this can have a severe impact on you life in the old days and likely still... but I am getting to the stage of not much to lose if you know what I mean.  I will tell the truth and see what happens.. maybe it will help all those closet suffering people who can't say it out loud as they are still trying to salvage some type of a life for themselves and their kids ect.  

 

More than any others what of the kids put on these drugs.. should this happen to them and they tell there parents who tell the doctors... what other drugs are they going to get and what labels... this is what weighs on me more than all others ... I know we are many even if we are hidden. 

 

Your welcome..peace

[mattinsmom]

I'm just checking in. Its Monday and I have been praying that you decide to stay with us. 

Warm thoughts and m&m hugs to you. 

[btdt]

When your well enough to answer could you please tell me the name of the antibiotic they gave you to treat the infection that started all this? 

[btdt]

Took a look at this drug Mirtazapine (brand names: Avanza (AU, NZ), Axit (AU), Mirtaz (IN, IE†), Mirtazon (AU), Remeron (AU, CA, HK, IL, NZ†, RU, SG, ZA, US), Zispin (IE, UK); where † indicates discontinued products)^[6] noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressant (NaSSA)

 

Seems it was discontinued in New Zealand maybe if I get this right wonder why. 

 

I don't know much about this drug. Usually hear about ssri snri not nassa's seems it is not much better.

[Wolfhound]

When your well enough to answer could you please tell me the name of the antibiotic they gave you to treat the infection that started all this?

 

yes, btdt

 

augmentin in my country

amoxicilinum

[Wolfhound]

I'm just checking in. Its Monday and I have been praying that you decide to stay with us. 

Warm thoughts and m&m hugs to you.

 

thank you for praying

thank you for thinking of me

w.

[btdt]

Amox/clav is what is was called on my script. I had a bad reaction to it too if you not doing so hot today don't even bother reading the rest of this.

I want to put it here for others to see tho... maybe a pill to avoid if there are other options and there are...

 

I had a severe reaction to it after I quit Effexor only took on pill.  Was taking a short trip.  Kept having to stop at rest rooms to use the bathroom the third stop I went to a pay phone and called an ambulance.  When they got there they asked what was wrong said I  felt unable to drive and had uncontrollable bowel movements. Within 30 seconds of me saying that I started to vomit had huge amounts of some type of discharge from my nose.  The ambulance guy tried to question me regarding being to a farm as he suspected a type of organophosphate poisoning I knew it could not be that as I had not been to a farm. 

I woke in hops with my clothes cut off. 

I have never been to the bottom of what went on that day.  I was released 8-10 hours later in another city then where I lived.  Told to take gravol for my stomach.  I left in hosp clothes needed gas locked the keys in the trunk..with my purse...  had to wait for road side service to drill open my trunk as the purse and keys were both in the trunk... so I sat at the gas station in hosp garb waiting.  

It was not a day I would like to repeat.  

I will never take that pill again it is listed on my pharmacy chart as an allergic reaction. 

I did manage to get my records of my hosp visit but they proved to be rather useless.  

I have no idea what it means none maybe less than none but I find it interesting another family member was given this drug this past month as had a bad reaction to it too. 

The ambulance driver said he wished more people would stop and call them when they needed to as it may save lives.  

Sorry to tell my story of this but maybe we all need to be careful of this one.  Maybe others have had this type of reaction I don't know. 

I was taking amox/clav to treat a sinus infection. 

 

I hope your doing better. 

 

 

[mattinsmom]

 

I'm just checking in. Its Monday and I have been praying that you decide to stay with us. 

Warm thoughts and m&m hugs to you.

thank you for praying

thank you for thinking of me

w.

 

Nice to see you.

[mammaP]

Hi Wolfhound, just stopping by to leave you a big hug.  Hope things are a little easier for you today. XXX

[mattinsmom]

You're getting an m&m hug from me also.

[Wolfhound]

Thank you for hugs and prayers.

[bubble]

thanks for getting back!

 

And one big hug from here too.

[Petunia]

I'm glad you are still with us, thank you for posting.

 

((hugs))

[Wolfhound]

Updating. Last weekend was so suicidal. I dont know how long i can carry on. I was thinking only about how to kill me, i wrote a lot to my husband, i wrote my will.... i simply could not stop it, no way. I was crying for my children that they will be brought up without mother. Dont know what measures to take to fight the incessant stream in my head.

i wrote an email to will hall asking him if he could be my therapist via mail. Got no reply for the moment.

i am desperate. I am crying.

[bubble]

thank you for letting us know.

 

Will Hall can sometimes be away or travelling but he will reply...

 

crying is a very good sign. we are thinking and praying for you. you can write down the thoughts as they come in your head. You can write them down here even. we wouldn't mind.

 

Honestly, I fear saying something wrong and I'm not sure it's good to say that my father committed suicide but it didn't at all look like this. he kept his ideas away from us and mislead us actually. Now i see that his extreme emotional withdrawing was the sign. He loved us very much but he didn't feel that his children will stay without his father, that a grandchild was soon to be born without him to see her...

 

I have no idea if this helps or makes things even harder for you. To me it means you are fighting this drug induced state and that you will win it soon.

[Wolfhound]

Thank you bubble,

you are so kind to me. Every word you write is important. I feel so lonely.

hope will hall replies.

the difficulty is that the suicidality is becoming worse. I have been living with it (drug or withdrawal) for 6 months. And when i see worsening, i feel likd all hope is gone. And i feel like cfs is coming, withdrawal imitates cfs and i am really desperate, since i fear being bedridden with my suicidal head and my children.

[Wolfhound]

I am sorry for your loss. It must have been terrible. And i am thinking about it. Oh my god where am i

[btdt]

I am sorry you are in this place.  There are sometimes no words I can think of that will stop the pain I do want you to know that others including myself have been in this place and it has passed.  It can take a long time.  I don't have any magic I wish I did I hope things improve for you soon. 

[mattinsmom]

I am exhausted but wanted to check in before I called it a night.

Do know that I think of you often

Do know that someone (me) cares

Do know that I have every faith that you WILL come through this. 

Blessings to you.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

hugs and blessings from me too for staying with us.

[flower]

Please W, there must be another doc who can help you...please send me an email...we need to talk...flower

[Nikki]

WH....the amoxicllian causes severe bowel problems.  It just does.  Antiobiotics while in a WD state is really tough.  I am experiencing this now.  I have a UTI and taking an antibiotic and have felt very bad since taking it.  So you are not alone in this area.

 

I understand the thoughts about dying.  This too happens to alot of us.  I wish I was able to find a solution for you, myself and everyone else here in distress.

 

Can you see an EMDR counselor, it may help.

 

When you are feeling poorly hug your husband and children tightly....it helps.

[btdt]

If you don't want to be touched don't pick on yourself about it... hugs for awhile were out of the questions and just more of a problem for me.  Whatever you feeling don't be mean to yourself about it it is not helpful.  

[Wolfhound]

Emdr counselor / what is it?