Tilly - Escitalopram / Lexapro Tapering - advice please

[WatchingTV426]

Hi Tilly, 

 

Sounds like you're going through the wringer (or is it ringer?) but coming out a little better than you were when you first started here. Your posts seem to show some improvement over the last month or so, which is hopeful and good, and you have such a good attitude about things. 

 

I tapered off of Lexapro/Escit. years ago, over 2 months (doctor's suggestion) and had disastrous results, knew nothing about w/d, and was put back on Zoloft (pregnancy "safe," I was getting ready to try to conceive, hence why I came off the Lexapro) probably a month later. That's the current poison I'm battling with. 

 

Like you, I have a candida overgrowth, am off gluten, caffeine, and dairy (though I eat butter), though only the gluten is due to a sensitivity (the caffeine is b/c of reflux and the dairy is b/c of the diet prescribed by my functional med doc--I actually hope to start eating it again soon, though the w/d makes me nervous to make ANY changes). The limitations make difficult things even more difficult, I feel. Sometimes, it just gets overwhelming and so hard to keep track of everything. Maybe that's the w/d and insomnia exhaustion talking.... 

 

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're surviving through some really, really tough stuff and doing a really good job of it. Kudos, and I hope more improvements are coming your way soon . 

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly, 

 

Sounds like you're going through the wringer (or is it ringer?) but coming out a little better than you were when you first started here. Your posts seem to show some improvement over the last month or so, which is hopeful and good, and you have such a good attitude about things. 

 

I tapered off of Lexapro/Escit. years ago, over 2 months (doctor's suggestion) and had disastrous results, knew nothing about w/d, and was put back on Zoloft (pregnancy "safe," I was getting ready to try to conceive, hence why I came off the Lexapro) probably a month later. That's the current poison I'm battling with. 

 

Like you, I have a candida overgrowth, am off gluten, caffeine, and dairy (though I eat butter), though only the gluten is due to a sensitivity (the caffeine is b/c of reflux and the dairy is b/c of the diet prescribed by my functional med doc--I actually hope to start eating it again soon, though the w/d makes me nervous to make ANY changes). The limitations make difficult things even more difficult, I feel. Sometimes, it just gets overwhelming and so hard to keep track of everything. Maybe that's the w/d and insomnia exhaustion talking.... 

 

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're surviving through some really, really tough stuff and doing a really good job of it. Kudos, and I hope more improvements are coming your way soon . 

Thank you for your message WTV.

 

Good to have you here!

 

I'm doing good thank you. I hope that you find peace very soon and I'm following your progress on your thread.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Update time 

 

I have done so much reading & research this week. Really, hours and hours of fascinating & enlightening information! I am able to concentrate and process information which is positive, as I have been unable to do this in recent weeks. I feel much more in control of my journey and feel that I have a much better understanding of what brought me here.

 

Some of my reading has been therapeutic to process past trauma. Some has been self help on supplements and building & sustaining good health during withdrawal. Some has been reading about local groups and activities to grow my confidence and support network.

 

I planned to go out this weekend cycling & for breakfast. I didn't because my sleep has been topsy turvy in terms of timing, but very good quality & quantity when I eventually sleep. This is really ok with me right now. My body is guiding me and I listen closely to it. I will not add anxiety about not being as active as I would like or sleeping at 'proper times' into the mix of withdrawal. What purpose would this really serve? 

 

I am eating well, having meaningful interaction with my partner, who feels very much included in my life throughout this process, which I think we both feel is helpful to our relationship. We held hands at intervals while watching our favourite programmes last night and shared in a few tears at emotional parts. It felt nice to cry without it feeling like my tears were result of me falling apart. Maybe this is a small part of the real me re - emerging? 

 

I am focusing on the positive. My relationship, living among beautiful nature, my snuggly cats, interests that are slowly returning (I did some designing & sewing last night), new interests & friendships to pursue & eventually, after time, patience and effort, a long overdue welcome return to health 

 

I am holding at 5mg for now and considering tapering next month if all continues as it is.

 

I wish everyone reading good health, faith in yourself & progress on your journey.

 

Tilly x

[dalsaan]

Great to read your update. Feel free to share photos of the snugly cats if you like. Many people here love pets but can't have them. Pet photos are a winner. We have a thread for that.

 

Sleep as much as you can, it helps your brain to heal

 

D

[Ever]

Sounding good Tilly! 

[WatchingTV426]

This is a wonderful and inspirational post, Tilly. Made me warm and fuzzy inside (I seriously may have to re-read it!). 

[Tilly]

Great to read your update. Feel free to share photos of the snugly cats if you like. Many people here love pets but can't have them. Pet photos are a winner. We have a thread for that.

 

Sleep as much as you can, it helps your brain to heal

 

D

Thank you for your support, Dalsaan. It is so appreciated.

 

I never saw a thread on pet pics. Some - well most of my pet pics are very heart warming. I have 4 cats. 2 adopted swans, 5 adopted cygnets & 2 adopted coots. Plus many local ducks  I will post soon.

 

Sleep is my friend right now

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Sounding good Tilly! 

Feeling good, Ever 

 

How is life treating you, lovely?

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

This is a wonderful and inspirational post, Tilly. Made me warm and fuzzy inside (I seriously may have to re-read it!). 

Hi WTV 

 

I am not without residual symptoms, some troubling & annoying, but I am focusing on the positives in my life.

 

I tend to live life as if each day was my last and breathe in as much yummy-ness as is humanly possible 

 

I am so grateful for what I have already in my life. The improvement of my health, with patience & perseverance will be the cherry on my already delicious cake  

 

You too can find peace with time. I am following your journey & wish you the best of everything.

 

Tilly x 

[Tilly]

[WatchingTV426]

Hi Tilly, 

 

You really do have an admirable attitude, even with continuing residual symptoms. Last night, in the sleepless wee hours, I listened to the meditation you suggested on my thread--thanks for that . I liked it. If you have any others to suggest, or anything else helpful like that, please do. 

 

Speaking of pets, our poor cats (3) are going to be very unhappy with us when we finally do show up at home! My husband has checked in on them--given them water and food, changed their litter--but they like their people. Esp. my little baby cat (well, she's probably 4 or maybe 7--the shelter we got her at years ago didn't know for sure)--she's such a mama's girl and she gets mad at me and gives me the cold shoulder whenever I'm gone for a few days! 

 

Hope you're having a good day . 

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly, 

 

You really do have an admirable attitude, even with continuing residual symptoms. Last night, in the sleepless wee hours, I listened to the meditation you suggested on my thread--thanks for that . I liked it. If you have any others to suggest, or anything else helpful like that, please do. 

 

Speaking of pets, our poor cats (3) are going to be very unhappy with us when we finally do show up at home! My husband has checked in on them--given them water and food, changed their litter--but they like their people. Esp. my little baby cat (well, she's probably 4 or maybe 7--the shelter we got her at years ago didn't know for sure)--she's such a mama's girl and she gets mad at me and gives me the cold shoulder whenever I'm gone for a few days! 

 

Hope you're having a good day . 

Hi WTV,

 

I've just caught up with your thread. I'm sorry to hear that you are still having difficulty sleeping.

 

I recommend anything by Louise L. Hay. She has got me through many a difficult day. she has a great attitude to healing and life in general.

 

Claire Weekes has also really helped me to manage my anxiety and recognise that adding fears to your original anxiety makes things seem much worse than they actually are. Some of here audios can be found by clicking this link - http://www.junior-anxiety-depression-exchange.org.uk/relax.html

 

I hope these audios help a little.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

 

PS. Your cats will be so happy to see you when you get home. I think that cats can be really soothing too, especially their beautiful purring 

[Tilly]

Update time 

 

Well, I'm sleeping, lots in the last few days. I mean LOTS (more than 10 hours each day) is this a normal withdrawal response? (if there is such a thing!)

 

I have been listening to my body and it tells me that I am tired, so I sleep. I am a little conflicted as I feel like I should be getting out and doing more, but just don't have the energy to go out at the moment. I feel like a lazy moo as I'm used to being much more active and motivated. Is this my mind just trying to hurry the recovery process or should I make more effort to overcome my sleepiness?

 

In the last few days I have tidied my food cupboards and done some cooking. I have noticed that my appetite seems to be regulating. For several years I have not felt hungry at all in the day and tend to only eat in the late afternoon and evening. But now, I feel hungry upon waking and eat small amounts of healthy foods at regular intervals throughout the day.

 

I have also noticed a little weight loss around my midsection. I was wondering if this could be due to a decrease in my cortisol levels and increased sleep?

 

I have had a sore throat since yesterday and feel a little achey, but feel this too is due to my withdrawal not illness as such. On a positive note, there is a big reduction in the tension that I usually carry in my neck and shoulder muscles which has caused me a lot of pain and occasional headaches.

 

I hope that all reading are making progress or at the very least stabilizing.

 

Take care everyone.

 

Tilly x

[AmyK]

Hi Tilly!

I read your whole journal, and I must sa you have such a great attitude. That helped me a lot today. I am tapering zoloft and the recent days i have been catastrophizing (right word? english is not my native language) a lot. Reading your posts about accepting and taking care of yourself and how to appreciate the life you have was so comforting. Have a really nice day!

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly!

I read your whole journal, and I must sa you have such a great attitude. That helped me a lot today. I am tapering zoloft and the recent days i have been catastrophizing (right word? english is not my native language) a lot. Reading your posts about accepting and taking care of yourself and how to appreciate the life you have was so comforting. Have a really nice day!

Hi Amy,

 

So lovely to hear from you  Thank you for stopping by, taking the time to read about my journey and posting such kind words. I really appreciate it! 

 

Catastrophizing is indeed the right word and so easy to do in our situation. I think that it is valid that we acknowledge our pain, but equally feel grateful for what we have. Life is very precious. Our healing journeys will allow us to enjoy life with more intensity & colour once the numbing veil of these drugs lift. 

 

I wish you every success with your own journey and will enjoy following your progress.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Have a wonderful day, Amy.

 

Tilly x

[dalsaan]

Update time 

 

Well, I'm sleeping, lots in the last few days. I mean LOTS (more than 10 hours each day) is this a normal withdrawal response? (if there is such a thing!)

 

I have been listening to my body and it tells me that I am tired, so I sleep. I am a little conflicted as I feel like I should be getting out and doing more, but just don't have the energy to go out at the moment. I feel like a lazy moo as I'm used to being much more active and motivated. Is this my mind just trying to hurry the recovery process or should I make more effort to overcome my sleepiness?

 

In the last few days I have tidied my food cupboards and done some cooking. I have noticed that my appetite seems to be regulating. For several years I have not felt hungry at all in the day and tend to only eat in the late afternoon and evening. But now, I feel hungry upon waking and eat small amounts of healthy foods at regular intervals throughout the day.

 

I have also noticed a little weight loss around my midsection. I was wondering if this could be due to a decrease in my cortisol levels and increased sleep?

 

I have had a sore throat since yesterday and feel a little achey, but feel this too is due to my withdrawal not illness as such. On a positive note, there is a big reduction in the tension that I usually carry in my neck and shoulder muscles which has caused me a lot of pain and occasional headaches.

 

I hope that all reading are making progress or at the very least stabilizing.

 

Take care everyone.

 

Tilly x

I think the changes in sleeping, eating and activity are good in the sense that your body is telling you what it needs and you are listening. Good job

 

The aches/sore throat are classic 'flu like' withdrawal symptoms.

 

Take care

 

Dx

[Tilly]

 

Update time 

 

Well, I'm sleeping, lots in the last few days. I mean LOTS (more than 10 hours each day) is this a normal withdrawal response? (if there is such a thing!)

 

I have been listening to my body and it tells me that I am tired, so I sleep. I am a little conflicted as I feel like I should be getting out and doing more, but just don't have the energy to go out at the moment. I feel like a lazy moo as I'm used to being much more active and motivated. Is this my mind just trying to hurry the recovery process or should I make more effort to overcome my sleepiness?

 

In the last few days I have tidied my food cupboards and done some cooking. I have noticed that my appetite seems to be regulating. For several years I have not felt hungry at all in the day and tend to only eat in the late afternoon and evening. But now, I feel hungry upon waking and eat small amounts of healthy foods at regular intervals throughout the day.

 

I have also noticed a little weight loss around my midsection. I was wondering if this could be due to a decrease in my cortisol levels and increased sleep?

 

I have had a sore throat since yesterday and feel a little achey, but feel this too is due to my withdrawal not illness as such. On a positive note, there is a big reduction in the tension that I usually carry in my neck and shoulder muscles which has caused me a lot of pain and occasional headaches.

 

I hope that all reading are making progress or at the very least stabilizing.

 

Take care everyone.

 

Tilly x

I think the changes in sleeping, eating and activity are good in the sense that your body is telling you what it needs and you are listening. Good job

 

The aches/sore throat are classic 'flu like' withdrawal symptoms.

 

Take care

 

Dx

 

Thank you, Dalsaan.

 

I hope that all is well in your world.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Marmite 

 

I appreciate your input & wish that GPs & psychiatrists had as much knowledge about the drugs that they prescribe as we do. 

 

I read your thread. You are very courageous. I have a lot of respect for you.

 

How are you doing now? Good I hope?

 

Take good care.

 

Tilly x

[Fresh]

From  Marmite ,      internal shaking      

 

I haven't figured out how to quote yet , but Marmite , the internal shaking you described sounds like low grade akathisia.

[Tilly]

Another marathon sleep - 11 hours! 

 

In the 14 years I've used SSRIs I have struggled to get to sleep at all most evenings and had issues with regular periods of insomnia. There has always been an bodily resistance to sleep. Now, I feel tired, lie down and I'm off to sleep with no resistance whatsoever. This is particularly surprising given the nature of my dreams when I do sleep.

 

***THESE PARAGRAPHS MAY BE TRIGGERING***

 

Every night, when I sleep, I have a never ending cascade of disturbing and often sexually violent or sexualised dreams. This is not a surprise to me as I have experienced multiple incidents of sexual abuse, sexual assault & a singular rape. The surprise is my response to these dreams. As someone who has complex PTSD, these dreams / flashbacks would usually be severely distressing and have been paralysing at times for me.

 

Currently I recall my dreams, feel distaste about the nature of them, but now view them differently. They are just dreams. They can't hurt me. They do not have to set the tone of my day. I hope that these dreams come to an end at some point. Maybe they currently provide a function? Maybe they are a way of me purging these hateful acts that I experienced and allow me to process these experiences and distance myself from the people who hurt me by seeing just how mistreated I was by people that I trusted. (I used to minimise a lot but since detaching from these dysfunctional relationships last year I no longer minimise any part of my experiences. I no longer have to in order to sustain these relationships.)

 

***END OF POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING PARAGRAPHS***

 

I think that there may be value in each withdrawal symptom that we experience. Experiencing these symptoms in the moment, we may not always be able to see the value and they can be painful and destabilising in the short term. But whether the symptom be physical or emotional, maybe our bodies are trying to re establish physical functioning and connection to feelings that were impaired by drugs.

 

There are similarities here to how I tackle agoraphobia. When you develop coping strategies through gradual exposure, the best time to use these skills is when high anxiety and the desire to avoid is high. By overcoming agoraphobic feelings and actually tackling them, they hold less fear and power the next time they arise. So maybe it will be the same for me in withdrawal. The 'windows' will give me the knowledge, skills and strength to negotiate the 'waves'. Time will tell.

 

I have woken up today with more energy and feel that I am able to do more things that I want to do today in my window of energy, without overdoing it and diminishing tommorow's supply. I feel that, for me, this is progress.

 

Wishing everyone reading windows of progress & peace in their journey.

 

Tilly x

[Ever]

Tilly - 11 hours sleep!   Woot!   I think lots of healing happening.  

 

You are doing so many positive things Tilly.   I have known many women who have experienced sexual abuse.   What I've learnt to understand is that it is not the actual 'abuse' that affects them long term, but rather what they've made it mean about themselves.   Such as feelings of guilt, or that they are not worth it, or that they are unlovable.    And once they've managed to distinguish exactly what it is that they've made it mean, it has much less power over them.    Is this your experience also?   You seem to be very wise in this area.

[areyouthere]

Yes... sleeping or feeling tired is a withdrawal symptom. I've experienced it too. I think it is good to go with it and sleep if you have that luxury. Since being on tis forum I have read when people CAN"T sleep... and although sleeping a lot is frustrating, I can't imagine getting by during withdrawal sleep deprived.

 

Congrats on your progress.

 

RU

[AmyK]

Tilly, I read about the abuse. I am so sorry!

You havent updated for a few weeks, how are you?

All the best, Amy

[Tilly]

Tilly - 11 hours sleep!   Woot!   I think lots of healing happening.  

 

You are doing so many positive things Tilly.   I have known many women who have experienced sexual abuse.   What I've learnt to understand is that it is not the actual 'abuse' that affects them long term, but rather what they've made it mean about themselves.   Such as feelings of guilt, or that they are not worth it, or that they are unlovable.    And once they've managed to distinguish exactly what it is that they've made it mean, it has much less power over them.    Is this your experience also?   You seem to be very wise in this area.

Hi Ever,

 

Thanks for stopping by 

 

As well as experiencing abuse, I have also worked professionally with both survivors and sex offenders.

 

I think that the key for my own healing is understanding that all abuse originates from learnt behaviour and drives of the abuser. All abuse is an abuse of power. Those who have experienced abuse did nothing to deserve it.

 

It is also important to acknowledge the incredible pain that survivors experience throughout their lives which can impact on trust, sense of self and relationships of all types throughout life. This pain should never be minimised and there will be times when it has more impact. However it is possible (but very difficult and painful in itself) to learn to process and live with these effects to reduce their impact on quality of life and future relationships.

 

A lot of healing fails to take place as counselling services are very much lacking and survivors often suffer in silence often for decades before they disclose. The criminal justice system also fails survivors massively.

 

I hope that you are happy & well and making progress in your own journey?

 

Take good care.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

I'm also very sorry to read about the sexual abuse Tilly and have a lot of respect for the way you are dealing with it and also for the words of the poster above me! Wise words indeed.

 

don't know if this is relevant, but I had disturbed sleep too in withdrawl. My situation was complicated by a very low pulse at night, so possibly this too had an effect, but dream processing went absolutely haywire.

 

I would have whizzing images going through my brain and it would be so difficult to process that it would wake me. They appeared like cine camera shots, each one slotting into my "vision" and then disappearing so quickly that the image could not be made out. It was always at about 2-4am - is that REM sleep / when you process dreams? - I still get it occasionally if the heating is turned up high in winter or if very stressed. Psychs have termed it hallucinations....but I never had it before and it was at it's worst during withdrawl. The images if I get them now are a lot slower and I recognise them. They are obscure objects - a leaf, a tree, a bucket - nothing traumatic or vaguely meaningful. It's just as if my brain is now re-wired and during sleep it is trying to re-set itself. It still concerns me greatly, but with the psychiatric  interpretation offered, I find myself too afraid to consult a doctor again. It goes away once I'm fully awake. Hynogogic hallucinations has been the explanation offered to me.

 

Just wanted to share that my sleep too was highly disturbed and altered after taking this drug.

x

Hi Marmite,

 

Lovely to hear from you again 

 

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experiences of sleep issues. I really appreciate you taking the time.

 

I have been experiencing something similar to you - hypnic jerks - this past week. A crushing feeling in my chest like I cant breath, a jolt of my body sometimes followed by a gasp of air when I sit bolt upright in a semi sleep state.

 

I also dream lots and can identify with your 'whizzing images'. It's like a cinema projector clicks in as soon as I fall asleep and keeps running until I wake.

 

How are you doing now, Marmite? Good I hope.

 

Take good care,

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Yes... sleeping or feeling tired is a withdrawal symptom. I've experienced it too. I think it is good to go with it and sleep if you have that luxury. Since being on tis forum I have read when people CAN"T sleep... and although sleeping a lot is frustrating, I can't imagine getting by during withdrawal sleep deprived.

 

Congrats on your progress.

 

RU

Hi RU,

 

Thank you for stopping by and for your kind words and reassurance. I appreciate you taking the time. 

 

I hope that you are happy & well?

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Tilly, I read about the abuse. I am so sorry!

You havent updated for a few weeks, how are you?

All the best, Amy

Hi Amy,

 

Thank you for checking in and checking up on me. I truly appreciate it. Thank you so much. It is so lovely to have this forum and such genuine people who care and understand exactly what challenges each day may bring. I'm doing pretty good with the odd bump in the road - all part of the journey. Just logged in to update and have a read.

 

How are you doing? Good I hope?

 

Take good care,

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Update time...

 

It has been a few weeks since I have updated / been on here much. I think that I saturated myself in so much (wonderfully informative but equally daunting) information, I needed time out to put theory into practice.

 

My diet is great. Lots of fish, lean healthy protein, fruit & veggies. I have been cooking a couple of meals each week and experimenting with new recipes which I haven't done in a few years. I used to love cooking and entertaining! I also notice a benefit from taking my current supplements.

 

My sleep marathons have come to an abrupt end for the time being. I still sleep, but at odd times with some restless and sleepless nights. My dreams are less disturbing but still as frequent. I have also experienced distressing hypnic jerks this past week. A crushing feeling in my chest like I can't breath, a jolt of my body sometimes followed by a gasp of air when I sit bolt upright in a semi sleep state. I'm putting this down to the joys of withdrawal as these sensations are not familiar to my usual sleep experiences.

 

I am currently pre menstrual, and the days before my period in withdrawal are characterised by a strange sense of hopelessness, agitation, mood changes and tearfulness. I have been considering my PMS problems. My periods used to be a breeze. I put down my PMS issues down to age (in my late 20's and 30's) however, there is a correlation with their onset and my use of antidepressants that has increased with my SSRI use. 10 days prior to my period on SSRI's I would be on a roller-coaster of emotions. Whereas my current symptoms only become apparent in the 5 days prior to my period. Little progress, but progress nevertheless. My cycle has also been shorter since withdrawal began. I used to have a very regular cycle every 28 days, my cycle is now every 23 days or so. A small difference on paper, but in real life, it has an impact. Has anyone else experienced this? Enough period talk!   

 

I have also noticed a correlation with my SSRI start up symptoms and withdrawal symptoms. They mirror each other. Is this the experience of others? It gives me some comfort in a strange way as I find it easier to identify withdrawal symptoms and recall how they impacted me originally and how I worked through / managed them. The only difference that I am accepting is that as my withdrawal will be very slow, these symptoms will linger much longer. The most difficult to negotiate, for me, are the cognitive difficulties. I'm a pretty articulate woman who loves language. Verbally, I just can't locate the word that I'm looking for to express myself multiple occasions on a daily basis. My grammar and spelling is usually really good, but I often make silly mistakes now. I have been playing word games and reading daily in an effort to maintain & improve my functioning in this area. I find this withdrawal side effect extremely frustrating and undermining at times.

 

Also, the tiredness. I have an overwhelming feeling of lethargy most days. I have started doing a little exercise, cooking and creative work daily. I get satisfaction from doing so, but feel so tired after completing the smallest task.

 

Just a few years ago, I used to walk several miles to and from work each day, put in a full day (and then some) at work, teach yoga 3- 5 times a week outside of work and provide monthly day long yoga training courses nationwide. I want my energy & vitality back! I am still relatively young and have lots of life to live. I am trying to rebuild my stamina with low level daily exercise.

 

Neuro emotions. I have been processing past behaviours whilst on SSRIs that were totally out of character and sometimes reprehensible. Are these neuro emotions? They kind of click into my head at random times and are maybe there to part taunt me and part teach me.

 

I am a very genuine, enthusiastic, positive, nurturing, loyal and empathic woman. There has been behaviour during my SSRI use that I am not at all proud of that I never fully understood. Aggressive, angry, highly emotive behaviour, sometimes, but not always warranted. I think that I understand this behaviour now. I have made peace with this behaviour by realising that my source was not at the heart of it. I do not minimise my responsibility in any of my behaviour. I make peace with my wrongs to others as and when they arise, as I always have, even during times of uncharacteristic behaviour. This is my true nature. So, in a break from my usual self criticism and chatterbox , I refuse to continue to torture myself for uncharacteristic behaviours or ruminate on them.

 

On the upside. I have spent a lot of time being creative. Cooking, sewing & designing. I have felt enjoyment and achievement in completing these small tasks.

 

I spend quality time with my partner & cats daily. I feel such gratitude for them and for what I have right now as opposed to yearning for what is absent whilst my health is rebuilding & healing.

 

I have started making plans and setting goals again, which is, in itself an achievement. I am planning a move for later this year and have set a goal to return to uni in October 2016 to study a fashion design degree. This date may change, but it is a welcome goal to work towards.

 

I am watching documentaries, listening to music, pampering myself with a foot soak or face mask and burning scented candles. My little world is small right now, with lots of boundaries and restrictions. It is made brighter by my small efforts, my partners love, the companionship of my cats, proximity to nature and my belief that my world will expand at a pace that it needs to, to get me to where I want to be.

 

Thank you for taking the time to stop by. I hope that all who are reading (and those who aren't) are making progress in your journey. I hope that you are as happy and well as your journey allows you to be right now.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

[ikam]

Update time...

 

It has been a few weeks since I have updated / been on here much. I think that I saturated myself in so much (wonderfully informative but equally daunting) information, I needed time out to put theory into practice.

 

My diet is great. Lots of fish, lean healthy protein, fruit & veggies. I have been cooking a couple of meals each week and experimenting with new recipes which I haven't done in a few years. I used to love cooking and entertaining! I also notice a benefit from taking my current supplements.

 

My sleep marathons have come to an abrupt end for the time being. I still sleep, but at odd times with some restless and sleepless nights. My dreams are less disturbing but still as frequent. I have also experienced distressing hypnic jerks this past week. A crushing feeling in my chest like I can't breath, a jolt of my body sometimes followed by a gasp of air when I sit bolt upright in a semi sleep state. I'm putting this down to the joys of withdrawal as these sensations are not familiar to my usual sleep experiences.

 

I am currently pre menstrual, and the days before my period in withdrawal are characterised by a strange sense of hopelessness, agitation, mood changes and tearfulness. I have been considering my PMS problems. My periods used to be a breeze. I put down my PMS issues down to age (in my late 20's and 30's) however, there is a correlation with their onset and my use of antidepressants that has increased with my SSRI use. 10 days prior to my period on SSRI's I would be on a roller-coaster of emotions. Whereas my current symptoms only become apparent in the 5 days prior to my period. Little progress, but progress nevertheless. My cycle has also been shorter since withdrawal began. I used to have a very regular cycle every 28 days, my cycle is now every 23 days or so. A small difference on paper, but in real life, it has an impact. Has anyone else experienced this? Enough period talk!   

 

I have also noticed a correlation with my SSRI start up symptoms and withdrawal symptoms. They mirror each other. Is this the experience of others? It gives me some comfort in a strange way as I find it easier to identify withdrawal symptoms and recall how they impacted me originally and how I worked through / managed them. The only difference that I am accepting is that as my withdrawal will be very slow, these symptoms will linger much longer. The most difficult to negotiate, for me, are the cognitive difficulties. I'm a pretty articulate woman who loves language. Verbally, I just can't locate the word that I'm looking for to express myself multiple occasions on a daily basis. My grammar and spelling is usually really good, but I often make silly mistakes now. I have been playing word games and reading daily in an effort to maintain & improve my functioning in this area. I find this withdrawal side effect extremely frustrating and undermining at times.

 

Also, the tiredness. I have an overwhelming feeling of lethargy most days. I have started doing a little exercise, cooking and creative work daily. I get satisfaction from doing so, but feel so tired after completing the smallest task.

 

Just a few years ago, I used to walk several miles to and from work each day, put in a full day (and then some) at work, teach yoga 3- 5 times a week outside of work and provide monthly day long yoga training courses nationwide. I want my energy & vitality back! I am still relatively young and have lots of life to live. I am trying to rebuild my stamina with low level daily exercise.

 

Neuro emotions. I have been processing past behaviours whilst on SSRIs that were totally out of character and sometimes reprehensible. Are these neuro emotions? They kind of click into my head at random times and are maybe there to part taunt me and part teach me.

 

I am a very genuine, enthusiastic, positive, nurturing, loyal and empathic woman. There has been behaviour during my SSRI use that I am not at all proud of that I never fully understood. Aggressive, angry, highly emotive behaviour, sometimes, but not always warranted. I think that I understand this behaviour now. I have made peace with this behaviour by realising that my source was not at the heart of it. I do not minimise my responsibility in any of my behaviour. I make peace with my wrongs to others as and when they arise, as I always have, even during times of uncharacteristic behaviour. This is my true nature. So, in a break from my usual self criticism and chatterbox , I refuse to continue to torture myself for uncharacteristic behaviours or ruminate on them.

 

On the upside. I have spent a lot of time being creative. Cooking, sewing & designing. I have felt enjoyment and achievement in completing these small tasks.

 

I spend quality time with my partner & cats daily. I feel such gratitude for them and for what I have right now as opposed to yearning for what is absent whilst my health is rebuilding & healing.

 

I have started making plans and setting goals again, which is, in itself an achievement. I am planning a move for later this year and have set a goal to return to uni in October 2016 to study a fashion design degree. This date may change, but it is a welcome goal to work towards.

 

I am watching documentaries, listening to music, pampering myself with a foot soak or face mask and burning scented candles. My little world is small right now, with lots of boundaries and restrictions. It is made brighter by my small efforts, my partners love, the companionship of my cats, proximity to nature and my belief that my world will expand at a pace that it needs to, to get me to where I want to be.

 

Thank you for taking the time to stop by. I hope that all who are reading (and those who aren't) are making progress in your journey. I hope that you are as happy and well as your journey allows you to be right now.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

Tilly, just one comment, I can relate to you question about neuroemotions... similarly, I have had quite some strong emotions related to my past or somehow correlated with my past...for me, it is sometimes good that at last I feel more angry...it is not an overwhelming feeling...

But also, I have always had strong emotions, especially panic and worrying...also deep sadness and feeling suicidal...and I still have these feelings, but I manage them better now...(i have been in psychotherapy for years)...

 

As to tiredness, when I have to get up at 6am, drive to work, be at work and back I seem to be less tired than on days off work...

I deal with my tiredness by allowing myself to feel it, get enough rest and sleep...

[Tilly]

Over a month since my last update - my concept of time is not great of late. So much has happened in such a short space of time.

 

I submerged myself in reading over this past month having moved away from the position of fear to empowerment. Informing myself on the scope of information in relation to the difficulties that almost 15 years of SSRI medication has caused me is somewhat like a grieving process. It provokes resistance, unconscious denial, anger, sadness and loss. But also acceptance, not that the negligent medication of my human condition was right. It was never right. Never will be. But it puts into perspective thoughts, feelings and behaviours which were generated as part of a drug induced 'spellbound' state. It puts into context 15 years of neuro-emotions and allows me to separate these out from the very legitimate anger that I feel about the re traumatization that I have experienced at the hands of my GP's. Primary caregivers who chose a quick fix with devastating long term effects to every aspect of my life. Who persist in neglecting my care.

 

Something really has to change. I have the information and desire to effect what little change I can to benefit both my future personal health outcomes and maybe those who do not have the information or strength currently at their disposal to do so. At the very least, I will have my say and have my voice heard at long last.

 

My last telephone conversation with my GP in early March was the most despicable interaction that I have ever experienced with a health professional. To cut a long story short, I moved outside my GP practice boundary as a consequence of being raped in my own home - not a great place to begin a difficult healing journey. I had a crisis last year (tolerance related?) and was referred to a Mental Health team who was supposed to help me access a GP in my local area (I have been agoraphobic / housebound for 4 years and cannot make it to my surgery). They visited once and the return visit they promised never transpired. They discharged me on the basis that I had a local GP which has never been true at the time of their visit or since. I have tried repeatedly to secure a home visit from a local GP with no joy as they insist that I need to attend the surgery to register. My agoraphobia has been further impacted by physical / emotional / cognitive withdrawal symptoms which makes going out / functioning almost impossible.

 

So, in my last telephone call to my prescribing GP, he states that he cannot issue a prescription without a review in person (my reviews have been very sporadic in the past on the part of the GP, now all of a sudden important). I explain at length that I cannot suddenly withdraw due to past experiences of protracted withdrawal and extreme distress including episodes of self harm. I confirmed that there is a body of evidence available that supports this statement (especially pertinent to long term SSRI use). I told him the lengths that I have been to to secure local primary health care services and support services which I cannot access without a GP.

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication. I disagreed based on my experience of a mental health crisis caused by rapid withdrawal in the past. My doctor said that he was aware of my drug. I said I was too. Aware that it was 2-4 times stronger than other anti depressants mg for mg making a seemingly small dose potent. He then accused me of not taking my medication regularly stating my prescription was last issued in January. I told him that his records were flawed and I take my medication strictly due to the distress that interdose withdrawal causes.

 

I asked my GP what training / evidence he was basing his decision on. He said he "wasn't going into that" and said he was going to hang up. I asked for the name of the practice manager and asked what my GP advised me to do given that rapid withdrawal would cause a mental health crisis. His advice was "go to A&E" I asked "as an agoraphobic" (who can't make it out socially let alone to a GP surgery or hospital) he replied "yes" before hanging up.

 

At no time did I shout or become abusive. No discussionary point that I raised warranted him hanging up on me. My friend presented at the surgery at the time of my telephone call to advocate on my behalf. He got the prescription issued, with a stipulation that it would be the last one. He said no more than I had to secure it. He was simply believed, where I had been overruled or negated.

 

I have spent the last few weeks compiling a letter of complaint. It has took me that long because of my current level of functioning, but was vital that I did so in spite of the distress it caused me. I have made salient points supported by evidence based research, NICE guidelines, which my GP's have breached in numerous ways and I have also quoted CEPUK, Peter Breggin, David Healy and Stuart Shipko. It has been submitted, but the practice manager is on holiday until next week, leaving me in limbo as to where my next prescription will come from / if I receive one at all.

 

As a consequence, I have been forced to cut my medication this week, from 5mg to 2.5mg to prolong the medication that I have left until bureaucracy plays out. My friend is visiting the surgery next week to have an appointment with my GP in an attempt to sort out this mess.

 

As a consequence of my reduction, I have had increased agitation morning and evening, cognitive dysfunction, acute morning diarrhoea, intermittent eye twitches throughout the day every day, involuntary movements, increased disturbed dreaming, intensification of the tinnitus that started when I reduced to 5mg, creaking painful joints, alcohol and sugar cravings, insomnia, tearfulness, fear of being alone and a feeling that the control and stability that I was creating through a slow taper has been taken away from me. My withdrawal and health is being jeopardised by my own GP who is behaving more like a drug dealer intent on withholding my next 'fix'.

 

In addition, My partner has been told this week that his Mum has malignant melanoma. She has an operation next week. My partner is so full of stress, anguish and worry and doesn't need the additional worry of my well being piled on top.

 

I feel so badly for him and his Mum  who has been housebound for several years. I have never met her as my (SSRI induced) agoraphobia has been so debilitating. She lives in a different city and I cannot reach out to her when she is so poorly or accompany my partner to support him. The damage that these drugs wreak on lives is far reaching and devastating. I find it so saddening and distressing in relation to this situation.

 

The only thing that I am sure of right now, is that life is very short and very precious. I will guard my health and the health of those I love above all things. If I am judged as "non compliant" or offend the sensibilities of GPs who should know better or even educate a few along the way, so be it. I have a life to live that these drugs have deprived me of for so many years. Nothing and no one will get in my way of living it and safeguarding my health in the future.

 

I hope that all who are reading this are making progress and experiencing more windows than waves.

 

Be kind to yourselves.

 

Sending love and hope to all 

 

Tilly x

[Songbird]

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

[ikam]

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this. I was wondering how you have been doing...I don't know what to say...

As I expected that it is difficult to talk to GPs I never told them that I have been tappering...so I get my prescription...

 

I can relate to the grief response, I have been dealing with this as well, mostly feeling of loss...

 

Could you find any privste doctor? I am with a private psychiatrist...

 

(((Tilly)))

[AliG]

  Hi Tilly, Just reading your story, which sounds like you are doing so well, up until the current Doctor.  Can't you just go to a different

  and/ or new doctor?  I'm Australian, so it might be different there.  The thing is you shouldn't be stuck, like you are.  Anyway, you sound

  like you're doing well overall, and I'm sure you will get through this.  I have also suffered abuse, and you had me in tears.  Not  in a bad

  way, just in a  "have been there" way.  I think it adds another dimension to all this.   I hope you find a new Doc, and continue your

  recovery.   Best wishes.   Ali.

[Tilly]

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

 

I agree, Songbird. I am going to have to get an out of ours emergency GP out to see me in the next few days as I can't register with any local GPs as they require me to visit a surgery to register. GPs are supposed to provide home visits to those who cannot access a surgery. In practice, accessing a home visit has proven impossible. Much easier if your disability is of a physical nature. The whole system here in the UK fails people in our situation on so many levels.

 

I hope that you are doing well. Thank you for stopping by. I really appreciate it.

 

Tilly x

 

[Tilly]

 

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this. I was wondering how you have been doing...I don't know what to say...

As I expected that it is difficult to talk to GPs I never told them that I have been tappering...so I get my prescription...

 

I can relate to the grief response, I have been dealing with this as well, mostly feeling of loss...

 

Could you find any privste doctor? I am with a private psychiatrist...

 

(((Tilly)))

 

Hi Ikam, 

 

It is a sad reflection of the state of primary care services for SSRI users in the UK when the only way to secure treatment is to lie. I couldn't afford a private Dr and have no wish to have any dealings with a psychiatrist. I'll have to access an out of hours GP when my local surgery re opens next week.

 

I just read your post today on your page. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Holidays can intensify feelings of loss and loneliness. I hope that these feelings pass soon. Rest well & be kind to yourself.

 

Hugs back to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

  Hi Tilly, Just reading your story, which sounds like you are doing so well, up until the current Doctor.  Can't you just go to a different

  and/ or new doctor?  I'm Australian, so it might be different there.  The thing is you shouldn't be stuck, like you are.  Anyway, you sound

  like you're doing well overall, and I'm sure you will get through this.  I have also suffered abuse, and you had me in tears.  Not  in a bad

  way, just in a  "have been there" way.  I think it adds another dimension to all this.   I hope you find a new Doc, and continue your

  recovery.   Best wishes.   Ali.

Hi Ali,

 

Thank you for stopping by. Nice to 'meet' you. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them. I am so sorry to hear that you have suffered abuse too. It really does add another dimension to withdrawal. I was making good progress with stabilising after a 5 month hold and I was negotiating my symptoms well. I will try to access an out of hours GP next week. Fingers crossed.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Tilly x