Tilly - Escitalopram / Lexapro Tapering - advice please

[LexAnger]

Hi Tilly,

 

You are a true aspiration to me with great strength, manner, and wisdom that I will look up to, either I'm in windows or waves!

 

Best wishes as always,

Lex

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

 

You are a true aspiration to me with great strength, manner, and wisdom that I will look up to, either I'm in windows or waves!

 

Best wishes as always,

Lex

Lex,

 

We have not met yet (we will), but you offer me a friendship that I have hoped for for so many years. You offer me unconditional caring, support and bring me such joy! 

 

You are a shining star! I adore you, my love. We are in this together and will support each others ups and downs. We have so much to look forward to.

 

Hugs and healing to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Update

 

It has been quite a week. With many changes, new symptoms, but at the same time, real bursts of joy.

 

I do not sleep, then sleep for hours. My legs ache with pains, burning, muscle tension and the constant need to move. My head aches. My brain and all of its processes disrupted. Slow, then racing. I learned that akathisia was the source of my excess energy, not my self explained 'mania'. Knowledge is power, I learned something new this week. I am learning to cope with this frustrating and draining symptom for as long as it lasts. My partner hugs and loves me better throughout the day, as do my snuggly cats. Plus, the ducklings and Mamma duck often wake me or stir me throughout the day with their chirruping and singing. What more could a girl ask for?!

 

I have also learned the power of true friendship through 2 close friends that I have made here. I cannot disclose the extent and nature of support as that would breach the confidentiality and trust that surrounds our mutual care. Suffice to say, I have never experienced friendships as genuine, mutually supportive and life affirming as these.

 

I am blessed.

 

I look kind of nuts right now. The drug changes take their toll. My partner tells me when I have 'crazy eyes' our way of saying, you look kind of cuckoo, take a break. With no judgement attached, just care. We laugh, snuggle, then I lie down to rest (as he often cooks our next meal).

 

A lovely thing happened today. We moved our boat recently. We met a new neighbour a few weeks ago and stopped to talk and pet his dog. He stopped by today with a bundle of freshly home baked bread (still warm and smelling delicious!) This was so lovely. It warmed my heart. I will return the favour by baking some cupcakes. How lovely life can be as a consequence of small yet significant acts of human kindness. This, is the stuff of life. The very heart of it.

 

I am coping, not quite ok, but not on the ledge of despair. So all is well.

 

I feel content in my life as it currently stands, the love that I have and give and the possibilities that await me.

 

This week, with all of its troughs and peaks has been pretty wonderful.

 

Much love to all instrumental in my healing and all those requiring healing.

 

Tilly x

[dalsaan]

Good to hear your update. Love, friendship and support go along way in healing

 

As do baby ducks

 

Dalsaan xx

[Purplestars22]

Hey Tilly I admire your positive attitude it will serve you well in this journey. You are very fortunate to have a caring partner that looks after you and is not judge mental. We must continue healing even though it may be not look as graceful as we would like.

[Tilly]

Good to hear your update. Love, friendship and support go along way in healing

 

As do baby ducks

 

Dalsaan xx

So true. Love, friendship & furry friends are such a joy!

 

Happy weekend, Dalsaan.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Hey Tilly I admire your positive attitude it will serve you well in this journey. You are very fortunate to have a caring partner that looks after you and is not judge mental. We must continue healing even though it may be not look as graceful as we would like.

Hi Purplestars,

 

Thank you for stopping by. I hope that you are faring well?

 

Withdrawal can be a very rough road to travel, but has many lessons to learn along the way. Every crisis provides an opportunity for healing and learning. I think that is the biggest lesson withdrawal has taught me up to now.

 

Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

[freespirit]

Tilly,

 

I'm so glad for the many layers of support that surround you. Also so moved by your gratitude and determination to see more than the difficult symptoms. I think there are few people who see this as a journey, not just a road to quickly leave behind. There are gifts in the difficulties, though not always easy to see when the suffering is deep. Wishing for you whatever you need, as you travel this next part of your journey.

[Tilly]

Tilly,

 

I'm so glad for the many layers of support that surround you. Also so moved by your gratitude and determination to see more than the difficult symptoms. I think there are few people who see this as a journey, not just a road to quickly leave behind. There are gifts in the difficulties, though not always easy to see when the suffering is deep. Wishing for you whatever you need, as you travel this next part of your journey.

Hi freespirit,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

 

Gratitude and the ability to see the opportunity for transformation from pain has helped me through a few traumatic periods of my life and is benefiting me during withdrawal. 

 

I wish you the best of everything.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

The sun is coming out here and Mamma duck alerted me to her presence with her squawking. A cat was close to her and her ducklings. I chased him away and fed her and her ducklings. I'm going to shower and sit in the sun and watch the ducklings who are now a much smaller group of just five.

 

A beautiful start to a new week. I wish a peaceful week to all.

 

Tilly x

[direstraits]

hi,Tilly

      just wanted to stop by and say hello& thank you for the support

love reading about the ducklings-I love animals-I have two kitties that bring so much joy to my life

 

hope you're having a good day xo

[Martina23]

Tilly, I find your photo very nice, I like see also.

[Tilly]

hi,Tilly

      just wanted to stop by and say hello& thank you for the support

love reading about the ducklings-I love animals-I have two kitties that bring so much joy to my life

 

hope you're having a good day xo

Hello direstraits,

 

Thank you so much for stopping by. I really appreciate it 

 

Animals & connection to nature are such a real source of joy, I totally agree. My cats and nature bring me so much joy.

 

Be kind to yourself and be well.

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Tilly, I find your photo very nice, I like see also.

Thank you Martina. So nice of you to stop by 

 

I am a water baby. I grew up in a coastal city. I love swimming, living on a boat and walking on the beach. This picture was taken in Greece a few years ago. Greek waters are so beautiful to swim in. Turquoise blue, warm & calm. I hope to return again soon when my health allows me.

 

I hope that life is being kind to you.

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly x

[freespirit]

Hi Tilly,

 

Greece sounds lovely. I hope you can go back when you're feeling better.

 

I was out for a walk last evening and saw 2 pileated woodpeckers. I used to see them quite often around here..but it's been awhile. I thought of you when I saw them..and your love of nature and birds.

 

My little cat is home from the vet, minus 8 teeth. They told me she'd hide for the rest of the evening, but is sunning herself on the back porch...and has come numerous times for petting.

 

Just wanted to say hello.

[Tilly]

Week 2 of up dosing:

 

Last week was filled with spring sunshine and time spent watching and feeding those gorgeous ducklings that have become such a lovely part of my day.

 

*****POSSIBLY TRIGGERING / DISTRESSING PARAGRAPH*****

 

Last week has also featured new symptoms. Heavy painful limbs, daily akathisia, moments of abject terror, fear of being alone and feelings of impending doom and imminent death. So many health anxieties plagued me, atypical to my thinking, only experienced in periods of withdrawal. At times I gasped for breath and experienced physical symptoms that increased this maladaptive thinking. This thinking, I believe is without physical / biological foundation, but yet another distressing dimension of withdrawal.

 

*****END OF DISTRESSING PARAGRAPH******

 

My thinking is so slow, my concentration flits more than usual and I have been so clumsy in the past week causing me many scrapes, bruising and minor accidents. My sleep is so irregular it disrupts my functioning to a significant degree.

 

I feel both tearful and empty at regular intervals, lacking in my usual sense of purpose and feel light headed and spacey more often than I do not.

 

I feel very angry this week at the impaired functioning caused by these drugs, further impacted by the ignorance of my GP on how to support me to recover from the poison that they offered as a solution to human distress.

 

The crazy making nature of these drugs are quite unbelievable to those who have not experienced them first hand. How cruel and debilitating this 'treatment' is. This poison has such capacity to erode not only our physical and emotional health, but also our personalities, behaviour and the very core of who we are, albeit temporarily. 

 

I have plunged to depths that I need not have experienced this week as a consequence of my GP being so certain that I could withdraw safely from 5mg after almost 15 years on SSRIs with "no risk" to my well being. What an ignorant, dangerous puppet of pharmaceutical companies he is. Shame on him and so many other medics in a position of power for the absolute suffering that they have been instrumental in effecting in the lives of so many others. 

 

I have lots of love and support from a significant few in my life, which I cherish. I have my beautiful cats to snuggle, I am surrounded by beautiful nature including those adorable ducklings, which I can enjoy daily. I read my book last week in the sun and managed to smile, chat and get to know my new neighbours a little better. 

 

I keep hold of all of these things when I am unable to shower as often as I would like to due to sheer exhaustion. When I feel like I am letting myself and those around me down due to my inability to function. 

 

I tell myself that this pain and dysfunction will pass, but find it so sad that, no matter how temporary, this pain never needed to be experienced by us in the first place. It is so harsh and traumatic. It leaves its imprint and another issue to overcome, when we have more than enough to contend with already.

 

I have hope and started this week knowing that there will be good and bad parts that make up this week. It is the good parts that I will hold on to, that will see me through the bad times.

 

The ducklings are now two in number, without their mother for protection. I'm not sure where she is. It breaks my heart with each decline of these beautiful, vulnerable creatures. I am thinking of ways to fish them out of an unsafe environment and care for them without disrupting their nature or functioning beyond my care.

 

Nature is beautiful, but can be so cruel.

 

Like those two beautiful ducklings, I am flailing right now. Staying as calm as I can on the surface, but flapping beyond the surface. Kicking so hard in the belief that this time will pass and I will be secure in myself once again.

 

I wish all those reading healing, strength and peace during your week. 

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

 

Greece sounds lovely. I hope you can go back when you're feeling better.

 

I was out for a walk last evening and saw 2 pileated woodpeckers. I used to see them quite often around here..but it's been awhile. I thought of you when I saw them..and your love of nature and birds.

 

My little cat is home from the vet, minus 8 teeth. They told me she'd hide for the rest of the evening, but is sunning herself on the back porch...and has come numerous times for petting.

 

Just wanted to say hello.

Bless you, my love 

 

Your message warmed my heart during a difficult period and touched me. I have a few tears right now, but good tears from human connection. Thank you so much, freespirit.

 

Oh, your recognition of my love of nature and birds from my limited contact with you is very touching also. My love is acquired very recently in the last 2 years. From living with a pair of swans and nurturing them and their 5 cygnets, who all survived. We fed coots and their offspring and managed to support the life and survival of more than 50% of there offspring compared to 0% the previous year. My heart is breaking with the loss of so many ducklings. Me, my partner and some of my neighbours feed them and talk to and watch them play daily. There are 2 left out of 12. Their survival chances are very low as Mum has abandoned them and they do not have the physical strength or survival skills to make it alone.

 

The life of these ducklings was very short. However, they were very much loved and fussed over, with loving human contact daily. That counts for a lot.

 

Oh, your little cat will be just fine, bless them! My much adored rescue cat of 9 years had few functional teeth, but fed well and cuddled even better   He was very much loved and wanted for nothing. Sounds like your beloved feline is very much the same 

 

Hello right back to you. Thank you for stopping by. Your comments brightened my evening    Thank you so much, lovely.

 

Say hello to those pileated woodpeckers from me. If they ever need a tasty meal, tell them to stop by my bird feeder 

 

I wish you continued healing.

 

Love & hugs to you, freespirit.

 

Tilly x

 

PS. I have a provisional booking for the island of Kalamata, the Greek island where my favourite olives grow, for September. Fingers crossed my health allows me to travel.

[direstraits]

sorry you're suffering so much,Tilly,but glad you have a lot of love & support around you

 

sorry to hear about the ducklings but it's nature's way I guess

 

hope you get to visit Greece in Sept.;that sounds wonderful

 

sending you well wishes & healing xo

[Tilly]

sorry you're suffering so much,Tilly,but glad you have a lot of love & support around you

 

sorry to hear about the ducklings but it's nature's way I guess

 

hope you get to visit Greece in Sept.;that sounds wonderful

 

sending you well wishes & healing xo

Thank you for stopping by direstraits. I appreciate your kind words 

 

Greece is a distant but very real dream if I am able to stabilise. It would be so healing for me and my partner who have never been able to travel together up till now as a result of my health. We both love travelling and have both travelled a lot in the past. I hold this hope close to my heart.

 

These little ducklings, oh I wish I had a fishing net to scoop them up and make a nest for them in my home. But how would that affect their coping upon release? I am reading up on how best to care for them. I identify with them, maybe, as a human who was also abandoned by my mother in pursuit of her own self interest?

 

I hope that they both not only survive, but also thrive. I look out each day with hope and compassion for these beautiful, vulnerable creatures.

 

I hope that life is treating you well, direstraits.

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Should I continue to push through these symptoms at 3.5mg or reduce back to 2.5mg? I really do not feel that up dosing further will help me.

 

I am equally dysfunctional on both doses but in different ways: 

 

On 3.5mg I cannot concentrate, sleep or function on a daily basis. Insomnia. I have intermittent periods of dread, panic, health anxiety, empty feelings, feelings of death being imminent, accidental injuries, clumsiness, cognitive difficulties. Dysmythia.

 

On 2.5mg I have suicidal ideation that I do not believe that I would act on, but distressing nevertheless, poor concentration, crying jags frequently throughout the day, inability to function or process thoughts as well, insomnia, mood swings, twitches (mouth & eyes).

 

These are the symptoms that I can remember.

 

I would appreciate feedback as I have had an adverse reaction to re instating citalopram in the past after several months post withdrawal.

 

I am not sure if my current symptoms reflect an adverse reaction or a settling in period.

 

All feedback gratefully received.

 

Tilly x

[Fresh]

Hi Tilly ,   I've just read your thread from the top of this page.   As I was reading I was wondering if you'd had any improvement since

updosing , but your last post has filled me in.

My perspective is that the changes are most likely neither a settling in period nor an adverse reaction.  Rather , they are your withdrawal

continuing to gain momentum.   Preoccupation with thoughts of death and dying are part of akathisia , and will subside as the rest of the

package of symptoms does.

As it's been only 2 weeks since your updose , I'd be inclined to persevere at 3.5mg for another few weeks and see what other changes emerge.

 

Best wishes from another former mental health social worker ,  Fresh

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly ,   I've just read your thread from the top of this page.   As I was reading I was wondering if you'd had any improvement since

updosing , but your last post has filled me in.

My perspective is that the changes are most likely neither a settling in period nor an adverse reaction.  Rather , they are your withdrawal

continuing to gain momentum.   Preoccupation with thoughts of death and dying are part of akathisia , and will subside as the rest of the

package of symptoms does.

As it's been only 2 weeks since your updose , I'd be inclined to persevere at 3.5mg for another few weeks and see what other changes emerge.

 

Best wishes from another former mental health social worker ,  Fresh

Thank you for such helpful advice, Fresh. I really appreciate it!

 

It has alleviated concerns and added to my knowledge base. I never knew that preoccupation with death was a part of akathisia. Thank you so much for clarifying this. It makes a lot of sense when applied to my current circumstances and previous episodes of similar distress.

 

I respect your advice as a person and your position as a former mental health social worker. Courage, compassion and strength are evident in both your personal and former professional role.

 

I hope that life is being kind to you.

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly x

[LexAnger]

hi Tilly,

 

It made my heart ache knowing what you have to endure!

I often felt stuck, either going up or going down with dose has always causes different set of issues and it has been constant struggling not knowing which is causing which.

 

I'm so sorry I don't know what to think of it. I hope the mods will come along with their extensive knowledge and experience to provide some insight.

 

My prayer to you for some relief and sooner stablization!

 

Lots Hugs

Lex

[AliG]

Sorry, you're going through a tough patch.  Stay strong. 

[freespirit]

 

Bless you, my love 

 

Your message warmed my heart during a difficult period and touched me. I have a few tears right now, but good tears from human connection. Thank you so much, freespirit.

 

Oh, your recognition of my love of nature and birds from my limited contact with you is very touching also. My love is acquired very recently in the last 2 years. From living with a pair of swans and nurturing them and their 5 cygnets, who all survived. We fed coots and their offspring and managed to support the life and survival of more than 50% of there offspring compared to 0% the previous year. My heart is breaking with the loss of so many ducklings. Me, my partner and some of my neighbours feed them and talk to and watch them play daily. There are 2 left out of 12. Their survival chances are very low as Mum has abandoned them and they do not have the physical strength or survival skills to make it alone.

 

The life of these ducklings was very short. However, they were very much loved and fussed over, with loving human contact daily. That counts for a lot.

 

Oh, your little cat will be just fine, bless them! My much adored rescue cat of 9 years had few functional teeth, but fed well and cuddled even better   He was very much loved and wanted for nothing. Sounds like your beloved feline is very much the same 

 

Hello right back to you. Thank you for stopping by. Your comments brightened my evening    Thank you so much, lovely.

 

Say hello to those pileated woodpeckers from me. If they ever need a tasty meal, tell them to stop by my bird feeder 

 

I wish you continued healing.

 

Love & hugs to you, freespirit.

 

Tilly x

 

PS. I have a provisional booking for the island of Kalamata, the Greek island where my favourite olives grow, for September. Fingers crossed my health allows me to travel.

 

 

Tilly,

 

I'm sorry the wave is so difficult right now. I really hope you are well enough to travel in September..I'll keep my fingers crossed too.

 

The more cruel aspects of nature can be hard to bear, especially when we ourselves are feeling more fragile. I've struggled with this too, when seeing the many fawns here who do not survive. I think it does very much count for something when animals are loved by humans..both for us and for them.

 

There are concerns about my little kitty because of the extent of her dental issues at such a young age. The vet said it was the worst case she had ever seen in almost 30 years of practice..and never in one as young as her. Also, her kidney function is normal, but typically would be much higher in a 4 year old. I'll be doing some Reiki with her on a daily basis and am adjusting her diet.

 

In some of my hardest grieving times, this little girl would come every morning and lie over my heart, purring..or, she would hear me crying and come from wherever she was and drape herself over my arm. She'd sometimes gently lick my tears and would stay with me until the crying stopped...when I was freezing cold from wd, she'd come under the covers and cuddle. I fell in love with her the moment I first saw her at the rescue..and that continues to grow every day. I'm sure from what you've described of your love of felines, that you will understand how important she is to me.

 

Love and hugs back to you...and may you find some moments of ease, even amongst the difficult ones.

[Altostrata]

Tilly, it sounds to me like 3.5mg is too much for you.

 

Were you not doing better for about a week after reinstating 3.5mg, then gradually started having symptoms of activation? This indicates to me that it took some days for the escilatopram to reach steady-state in your system, then it started to have an adverse effect.

 

If I were you, I might reduce to 3.0mg to see if that's better. It will take at least 4 days to reach steady-state; that is, the average amount in your bloodstream will be declining to 3.0mg over at least 4 days. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

PS The liquid can be refrigerated for 5 days or so. Did you ever get a new prescription from your GP? Can you get a different GP?

[ikam]

Tilly, it sounds to me like 3.5mg is too much for you.

 

Were you not doing better for about a week after reinstating 3.5mg, then gradually started having symptoms of activation? This indicates to me that it took some days for the escilatopram to reach steady-state in your system, then it started to have an adverse effect.

 

If I were you, I might reduce to 3.0mg to see if that's better. It will take at least 4 days to reach steady-state; that is, the average amount in your bloodstream will be declining to 3.0mg over at least 4 days. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

PS The liquid can be refrigerated for 5 days or so. Did you ever get a new prescription from your GP? Can you get a different GP?

Tilly, sorry I have been quiet. I am finding it difficult to follow peoples problems. I get scared that I may get the same. So I avoid reading. I know you have been having a difficult time. I know you will get over it. I like what Alto said, it makes sense...

I remember, in the beginning, I was doing well on 5mg, then after increasing to 10mg I started having problems...I had an adverse response...Decreasing helped me to stabilise...

Try to follow this what Alto said, after 4 days you will know...I am sure it will work...

 

(I am doing ok, but life throws new things. I need to let my housing know if I am leaving, but I don't know...I found it a bit unsettling, but had no time to ruminate on this...too busy...I think being so busy distracts me)...

 

I wish you GOOD LUCK!

[Tilly]

hi Tilly,

 

It made my heart ache knowing what you have to endure!

I often felt stuck, either going up or going down with dose has always causes different set of issues and it has been constant struggling not knowing which is causing which.

 

I'm so sorry I don't know what to think of it. I hope the mods will come along with their extensive knowledge and experience to provide some insight.

 

My prayer to you for some relief and sooner stablization!

 

Lots Hugs

 Lex,

Lex,

 

You have been such a tower of strength to me and have become a dear friend. Thank you so much for your care and support. Your friendship means the world to me. I have messaged you.

 

I hope that you are well.

 

Love, hugs & healing to you as always 

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Sorry, you're going through a tough patch.  Stay strong. 

Thank you so much, Ali.

 

I hope that you are well.

 

Hugs & healing to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Hey Tilly,

I encountered exactly the same messages about stopping Lexapro once I got to 5mg from my doctors. In fact they considered 2 weeks withdrawal to be adequate for 10mg .... it's not true and you are completely justified in doing it your way....slowly!

 

I had several withdrawals, and for one of them I used liquid drops. I was fine until I got down to about 2 or 3 drops and then the withdrawal effects went bananas! Years later when I told my psychiatrist this he was exasperated and I got the impression he thought I was making it up.

 

I did what your doctor is suggesting and went cold turkey at  2/3 drops, believing the dose to be inconsequential and that I was destined to suffer no matter what. I underestimated the effects and ended up in a complete mess.

 

The length of time you have been on this drug is very important, you are not going to get off it overnight or quickly. Stick to your guns!

 

I think of the years I spent on Lexapro as dependency inducing....which upsets me, as I've never been reliant on any substance before and cannot believe that I've been dependent on this one. However, my body certainly was even if my mind told me to reject it and stop taking it.  There are big differences between dependency and addiction which I never recognised before this.

 

Take it slowly and see if things even out. I was fine at 5mg...but dropping from that amount was really, really hard.

 

x

Hi Marmite,

 

Thank you for taking the time to post. 

 

I have followed your journey & empathise with many struggles that you have had.

 

I totally agree with everything in your post. I too feel a dependency and feel the pain and loss of such, as prior to SSRI use, I actively chose to pursue a drug free existence. 

 

My experience of dropping from 5mg (my GP's choice, not mine) has also caused huge issues to my health and well being as has the lack of control that I have been able to exercise over my taper as a consequence of poor / non existent support from my GP.

 

I hope that you are well. 

 

Hugs & healing to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

 

 

Bless you, my love 

 

Your message warmed my heart during a difficult period and touched me. I have a few tears right now, but good tears from human connection. Thank you so much, freespirit.

 

Oh, your recognition of my love of nature and birds from my limited contact with you is very touching also. My love is acquired very recently in the last 2 years. From living with a pair of swans and nurturing them and their 5 cygnets, who all survived. We fed coots and their offspring and managed to support the life and survival of more than 50% of there offspring compared to 0% the previous year. My heart is breaking with the loss of so many ducklings. Me, my partner and some of my neighbours feed them and talk to and watch them play daily. There are 2 left out of 12. Their survival chances are very low as Mum has abandoned them and they do not have the physical strength or survival skills to make it alone.

 

The life of these ducklings was very short. However, they were very much loved and fussed over, with loving human contact daily. That counts for a lot.

 

Oh, your little cat will be just fine, bless them! My much adored rescue cat of 9 years had few functional teeth, but fed well and cuddled even better   He was very much loved and wanted for nothing. Sounds like your beloved feline is very much the same 

 

Hello right back to you. Thank you for stopping by. Your comments brightened my evening    Thank you so much, lovely.

 

Say hello to those pileated woodpeckers from me. If they ever need a tasty meal, tell them to stop by my bird feeder 

 

I wish you continued healing.

 

Love & hugs to you, freespirit.

 

Tilly x

 

PS. I have a provisional booking for the island of Kalamata, the Greek island where my favourite olives grow, for September. Fingers crossed my health allows me to travel.

 

 

Tilly,

 

I'm sorry the wave is so difficult right now. I really hope you are well enough to travel in September..I'll keep my fingers crossed too.

 

The more cruel aspects of nature can be hard to bear, especially when we ourselves are feeling more fragile. I've struggled with this too, when seeing the many fawns here who do not survive. I think it does very much count for something when animals are loved by humans..both for us and for them.

 

There are concerns about my little kitty because of the extent of her dental issues at such a young age. The vet said it was the worst case she had ever seen in almost 30 years of practice..and never in one as young as her. Also, her kidney function is normal, but typically would be much higher in a 4 year old. I'll be doing some Reiki with her on a daily basis and am adjusting her diet.

 

In some of my hardest grieving times, this little girl would come every morning and lie over my heart, purring..or, she would hear me crying and come from wherever she was and drape herself over my arm. She'd sometimes gently lick my tears and would stay with me until the crying stopped...when I was freezing cold from wd, she'd come under the covers and cuddle. I fell in love with her the moment I first saw her at the rescue..and that continues to grow every day. I'm sure from what you've described of your love of felines, that you will understand how important she is to me.

 

Love and hugs back to you...and may you find some moments of ease, even amongst the difficult ones.

 

Hi free,

 

Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate it.

 

I appreciate your understanding of my connection to nature. I now live very close to nature, which intensifies my love for it. In the past, people have made me feel silly for my love of nature / animals / vulnerable creatures. But this is who / the way I am.

 

The dental and kidney issues of your cat very much mirror those of my beloved rescue cat. He had also been subjected to physical abuse and neglect, causing the amputation of one of his legs prior to me adopting him and colon problems caused by a road traffic accident. He was approximately four at the time that I adopted him and we had 9 wonderful years together. I hope this gives you hope for the possibilities that you have with your beautiful kitty 

 

I visited the rescue shelter most days for about 2 months before I found him and knew instinctively that we would be good for each other. He used to wait by the door for me when I got back from work, for cuddles, not food. He too licked away tears and even accompanied me on trips to the beach and camping! He shared in so many adventures with me and we were totally attuned to each others moods. I can't tell you the joy that he brought into my life, but don't feel that I need to as you probably understand through your own experiences.

 

Thank you for the affirmation, shared love of nature and for the pictures that you sent of your beautiful feline companion. I really appreciate it and the shared love that you have for nature.

 

I hope that you are well.

 

Love, hugs & healing to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Tilly, it sounds to me like 3.5mg is too much for you.

 

Were you not doing better for about a week after reinstating 3.5mg, then gradually started having symptoms of activation? This indicates to me that it took some days for the escilatopram to reach steady-state in your system, then it started to have an adverse effect.

 

If I were you, I might reduce to 3.0mg to see if that's better. It will take at least 4 days to reach steady-state; that is, the average amount in your bloodstream will be declining to 3.0mg over at least 4 days. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

PS The liquid can be refrigerated for 5 days or so. Did you ever get a new prescription from your GP? Can you get a different GP?

Hi Alto,

 

Thank you for taking the time to post with your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

 

I tend to agree with you that the symptoms that I am currently experiencing reflect those experienced during an adverse reaction I have experienced previously when trying to reinstate citalopram after approximately 7 months off. I did not last a week on my reinstatement as the impact on my health and state of mind was prohibitive to persevering.

 

Yes after a week on 3.5mg my health, cognition and sense of physical safety and self declined rapidly. No strategies that I tried to implement were effective in combating these symptoms. Since my last post, I have been bed bound as a result of physical and mental exhaustion and inability to function.

 

I will reduce to 3.0mg today and monitor the outcome of this reduction via a daily journal.

 

I submitted a 14 page document / letter of complaint to my surgery featuring experiential concerns and evidence based research supporting the need to withdraw slowly, especially after long term SSRI use (I'm approaching my 15th year). I also highlighted how my treatment was in breach of NICE guidelines that should inform my GP's treatment of me. I raised 14 points to be answered in relation to inadequacies in my treatment and provided a contact number for my carer for my GP to liaise with and have a face to face meeting with at the first opportunity to secure a prescription until long term solutions were arrived at.

 

I should have received a letter of acknowledgement within 3 working days. It was received 2 weeks later. No further contact has been made.

 

I have tried to register with a new GP, but am unable to, as I have suffered from agoraphobia for 4 years, the severity of which has increased in withdrawal and I am unable to attend a new surgery in person to register. It seems that my drug induced disability is too inconvenient for GP's to treat or take the time to visit me at home. I am at a loss at how to pursue this further right now. I will be taking my complaint further. But right now, struggle to function, let alone battle the health system.

 

I have been very fortunate to secure medication via friends. This is both unorthodox and not a method that I would ever recommend or endorse. However, it has saved my life. I know from previous experience that once I stop a SSRI, I am never able to successfully reinstate it. Had my friends not intervened with a renewed supply of medication, I would be in full blown withdrawal right now with no means of remedying this. As such, I will be eternally grateful for the intervention of these friends. 

 

My partner makes up my solution very carefully and I refrigerate it for approximately 3 days. He has had to watch me take it this past week as I forget if I have just taken my 2nd or 3rd milligram if I am not watched, my functioning is so slow and remiss.

 

Is there anything that you are seeing / thinking that I am not doing but could do to further my cause, Alto? I am at a loss now as to how to proceed within the medical system, not to access support, but to access essential drugs to sustain my well being. I am very open to constructive criticism.

 

Hugs & healing to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

 

Tilly, it sounds to me like 3.5mg is too much for you.

 

Were you not doing better for about a week after reinstating 3.5mg, then gradually started having symptoms of activation? This indicates to me that it took some days for the escilatopram to reach steady-state in your system, then it started to have an adverse effect.

 

If I were you, I might reduce to 3.0mg to see if that's better. It will take at least 4 days to reach steady-state; that is, the average amount in your bloodstream will be declining to 3.0mg over at least 4 days. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

PS The liquid can be refrigerated for 5 days or so. Did you ever get a new prescription from your GP? Can you get a different GP?

Tilly, sorry I have been quiet. I am finding it difficult to follow peoples problems. I get scared that I may get the same. So I avoid reading. I know you have been having a difficult time. I know you will get over it. I like what Alto said, it makes sense...

I remember, in the beginning, I was doing well on 5mg, then after increasing to 10mg I started having problems...I had an adverse response...Decreasing helped me to stabilise...

Try to follow this what Alto said, after 4 days you will know...I am sure it will work...

 

(I am doing ok, but life throws new things. I need to let my housing know if I am leaving, but I don't know...I found it a bit unsettling, but had no time to ruminate on this...too busy...I think being so busy distracts me)...

 

I wish you GOOD LUCK!

 

Hi Ikam,

 

Thank you for stopping by.

 

Being busy can distract, and be useful as a short - term strategy, but is not always helpful long term and it often only defers problems.

 

I hope that you find a new home that you are happy in in the near future. This would be wonderful for you!

 

Hugs & healing to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Update

 

I feel very ill and have been bed bound for the best part of the week. I apologise to all who I have not been able to respond to in a timely way. I do not abandon the support of my friendships and those who I care about as they are dear to me. I feel very bad about the fact that my inability to function precludes me from engaging with those who I care about. Please forgive me.

 

I have been unable to shower for over a week now, which is very distressing to me. I use a hot flannel and bowl to wash with when I feel able. As my hair has not been washed in over a week, I have put some coconut oil on my hair and to stop my scalp from drying. At least it smells fresh   I hesitated about posting these details, but this is the reality of withdrawal from a woman who usually showers twice a day. My shame aside, it may help somebody reading in the same situation.

 

I cannot exercise as I have no energy, but I bought some...not sure what they are called, but I call them hand springs. I can sit or lie and do hand exercises by squeezing the foam handles and the metal spring contracts. This is alleviating the oedema in my fingers that has become a symptom of withdrawal, so all is not lost. I am very reduced in functioning but still trying 

 

This has been a very stressful week in so many ways. I don't often talk about external stresses, but again, these are all part and parcel of the withdrawal experience, so why not? It helps to give a true picture of where I am and may help others reading now or in the future.

 

I am still dealing with the fallout from the bank fraud that happened on my account last year. This makes paying my bills very difficult as I do not have another bank account and my current one is empty as it has been intercepted twice and is yet to be fully investigated and resolved. I am up to date with my bills and made my final mortgage payment last month amid a severely reduced financial income over the past 4 years due to inability to work due to SSRIs. I almost lost my home a few years ago, so I am very proud of this achievement. A ray of hope that permeates many clouds 

 

The fallout from my 3.5mg up dosing has been horrid for me and my partner who has seen me through so many tough times, I am so blessed. I feel like I offer him so little right now. He has loved me throughout this mess, through many challenging episodes of tolerance withdrawal, withdrawal and struggles accessing medication. 

 

On 5 months at 5mg I saw glimpses of myself returning as did my partner.  I was able to suggest that we went out for breakfast just 500m from my boat at the marina cafe or have a short walk around the marina. That confidence, progress and development of normality after 4 years of drug induced agoraphobia was so inspiring, yet lost in the time it took for my GP to with hold my medication saying I was fine to jump off at 5mg with "no risk".

 

Prior to withdrawal, our relationship was much more equitable. I have provided and been very proactive in enhancing our quality of life and future planning. I was a nationwide yoga instructor who travelled the country and came home to cook him a delicious dinner and watch a film with him. I drew bubble baths for him and took him out for tapas. We talked about our travels and future travel plans.

 

There has been a huge shift since withdrawal, whereby, my partner is now my carer. I love him absolutely, but hate this shift and the powerlessness and lack of input that I feel as a consequence of my severely reduced functioning. He does everything for me right now. Shopping, washing, cooking, supervising medication (as I mess up my dosage frequently without supervision due to cognitive / short term memory issues). I woke with sweats last night and he got my daily planner pad and fanned me for 10 minutes until I started to cool down. Bless his heart. He is both my partner, but more importantly my best friend.

 

I have tried to push him away in the recent past, in fairness to him, so that he feels no guilt about leaving me. He refuses to leave me in the full knowledge that my recovery may take years. He is the true family that I was not born into and never had until I met him. I owe it to myself, him and our life together to push through and enjoy a quality of life that we both deserve.

 

In addition this week, Monday was the day that my partner's Mum got her results from her biopsy after receiving a diagnosis of a rare and aggressive form of malignant melanoma several weeks ago. The results, we were informed, were to give an indication as to whether or not the cancer had spread. My partner, his Mum, Dad & I have been operating within the context of extreme stress and worry in recent weeks. My partner's Mum has been living under a death sentence ever since, in addition to her existing frail health and advancing years.

 

We were advised on Monday that my partner's Mum, although diagnosed with malignant melanoma, did not actually have cancer to begin with. The tumour was benign. We are all delighted to receive this news, but the pre empted, unsubstantiated diagnosis of cancer caused such huge distress, which was in itself, damaging to the health of my partner's Mum and close family.

 

I don't believe that I will ever trust a doctor again until they prove their worth to me. My experience of both their scientific knowledge base and 'bedside manner' with people leaves so much to be desired and causes more harm than good.

 

My health is in my own hands, where it belongs and will stay there until I am able to access a practitioner worthy of contributing to my health and well being.

 

I am having a brief window and am taking the opportunity to update and answer messages while I am able to. My energy is very depleted, as is my functioning. If I am absent at intervals in the near future or do not answer as quickly as usual, it does not mean that I do not care. Just for the time being, I am not able.

 

As always, I wish everyone reading healing and much love.

 

Tilly x

[AliG]

 I'm so sorry to hear of all you're going through at the moment. I can only hope and pray that you have some relief, very soon . Thinking positive thoughts, for you.  hugs.   Ali

[Tilly]

 I'm so sorry to hear of all you're going through at the moment. I can only hope and pray that you have some relief, very soon . Thinking positive thoughts, for you.  hugs.   Ali

Thank you so much, Ali. I really appreciate your kind thoughts and words and wish the same for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly x