Tilly - Escitalopram / Lexapro Tapering - advice please

[Tilly]

Brilliant progress, Tilly. It's great to hear. Well done

Thank you, LoveandLight,

 

I appreciate you stopping by. How are you doing? I'm hoping to catch up on threads in the next week.

 

In the meantime, I'm sending you love, hugs and hope.

 

This is a very difficult and distressing journey, but I have faith that we will all come out of the other side much stronger with a sense of peace that we have all longed for. 

 

Hugs to you xxx

[AliG]

You always make me cry, Tilly. I will come back, when I'm less "emotional".  Hang in there, girlfriend !!

[Tilly]

You always make me cry, Tilly. I will come back, when I'm less "emotional".  Hang in there, girlfriend !!

Oh, I don't mean to be such a misery guts! Good tears I hope?

 

I received your beautiful message and have replied. Thank you Ali. Your words have brightened my day

 

I will be checking in on you again soon and catching up on your thread and what has been happening in your world.

 

I'm hanging on in, girlfriend . I have a free hand if you ever need it to hold on to

 

Be kind to yourself and speak soon, lovely xxx

[AliG]

 We Have been through so much of the same .   I can't deal.    Hang on, Tilly.     

[Tilly]

 We Have been through so much of the same .   I can't deal.    Hang on, Tilly.   

I see. You can get through it, horrible and distressing as it is. Just a little love and understanding goes a long way to start healing an ocean of pain. You have that here, Ali. All will be well and peace will be ours again. Hold on yourself. You have more strength than you believe you have xxx

[direstraits]

Hi Tilly,

thinking of you on this difficult day...you are such abeautiful kind soul and you deserve to be happy and at peace...that is my wish for you...it sounds like you're taking good care of yourself...that's so important.

 

I hope you see much healing as time goes on,and thank you for all the support you've given me...it means so much...take care,love ds

 

p.s. lovely song

[brassmonkey]

Hi Tilly-- that was such a positive progressive post. I am so excited for you.  What era of vintage cloths do you prefer? I rather fond of the Victorian/steampunk styles. 

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[AliG]

 Thanks Tilly.

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

thinking of you on this difficult day...you are such abeautiful kind soul and you deserve to be happy and at peace...that is my wish for you...it sounds like you're taking good care of yourself...that's so important.

 

I hope you see much healing as time goes on,and thank you for all the support you've given me...it means so much...take care,love ds

 

p.s. lovely song

Hello Direstraits,

 

So good to hear from you. I hope that life is being kind to you?

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot. x

 

I am taking much better care of myself and am aiming to achieve the peace that has been absent in my life for such a long time. We all deserve this. I wish this peace for you also.

 

I will catch up on your thread and what has been happening in your world. You have been a great support to me ds. I am always here for you. 

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Sending you much love, huge hugs and healing xxx

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly-- that was such a positive progressive post. I am so excited for you.  What era of vintage cloths do you prefer? I rather fond of the Victorian/steampunk styles. 

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Hi Brassmonkey,

 

So lovely to hear from you. Thank you for stopping by with your encouragement. It is very much appreciated.

 

How are you? Is life treating you kindly? I hope so.

 

I am very eclectic in my vintage tastes. I have collected vintage clothing since the age of 14 (I am now a spritely 40 year old and I was a popular seller of  vintage clothing at vintage fairs.

 

I love Victorian & Steampunk designs. I design my own accessories and clothing in this style / genre. The high necklines and beautiful lace detailing is a firm favourite of mine. I have recently purchased a beautiful lace dress with a high lace collar and slip. I'm hoping to enrol at college this Autumn to expand my sewing / technical skills in this area. I live near to the only remaining UK manufacturer of lace in Nottingham. Have you heard of Nottingham lace?

 

I also love deco / flapper styles with their elaborate bead work and extravagant details.

 

Then there are the 40's tailored suits and tea dresses. 50's circle dresses and pencil skirts. 60's mini dresses and 70's maxi dresses / skirts, crochet dresses and bell bottom hipsters.

 

I have clothes from all of these eras. I guess you could quite accurately call me a vintage fashion curator / *****!

 

I love to express my personality and mood through clothing

 

I love reading fashion history and watching fashion documentaries. 

 

Anyway, enough clothes talk!

 

Be well, lovely.

 

Huge hugs to you 

 

xxx

[Tilly]

 Thanks Tilly.

Thank you, Ali.

 

Your message brightened my day

 

Love, love and a dollop more love to you for good measure!

 

Be kind to yourself, lady. These dark days will pass. The only thing certain in life is change. Nothing, not even the darkest of days remain for long.

 

Take comfort in this and rest well xxx

[freespirit]

Tilly,

 

I was very heartened by your update. There's no doubt how challenging it is to face into the buried emotions, compounded by PTSD and WD. There's a kindness towards yourself that's palpable in your writing. I believe that self-care is the deepest part of healing, and doubly important in the face of the kind of trauma you've faced. You're finding that you can treat yourself differently than others have treated you in the past.

 

I'm thinking of you especially today. Anniversaries can be difficult...I often find days before and afterwards are hardest. So, be especially kind to yourself around this time.

 

I appreciate your thoughts on my thread about health anxiety. As always, I like to take time to reflect and see where that leads me..will respond later.

 

Sending love and blessings to you.

[freespirit]

I am not at all convinced that therapy will be where I find healing. I believe that I will find it in swimming once again, cycling, my love of nature and living the life that I was always meant to live. My GP squishes their face up at this suggestion. I squish my face up equally at the contemplation that drugs can even touch, let alone even begin to heal trauma and improve quality of life.

 

It seems as though we may have had the same GP. My previous one looked on me with absolute disdain when I told him initially that I intended to improve my health well enough to get off all meds..and was met with the same look when I said I'd hoped that weight loss and other healing would end the sleep apnea and negate the need for a CPAP machine.

 

I know for certain that he never believed that my healing from "depression" was possible. And he looked for any possible sign that I'd failed on that count. I took that very personally, that he didn't believe that I could heal.

 

But I see now, that it wasn't personal. He doesn't believe in the possibility of healing. He, like most doctors here, only believes in managing illness. He's succumbed to the model of believing that nearly everything is a chronic illness to be managed..and of course, the means of managing is through medication. I can't tell you how strange it is, that for someone who has lived in a lot of negativity, to suddenly feel, that it's western medicine that's profoundly negative. Underneath, I must have had some kernel of belief that healing was possible..otherwise, I would not have kept searching.

 

For years, I believed that therapy held the answers..if only I could find the right therapy and the right therapist. It took a couple of disastrous experiences on that count, to open me into knowing that healing can be found in so many other ways..through nature, walking, swimming, cycling, qi gong, and through the support of peers.

 

That being said, if there is some healing for you to find through therapy, I thoroughly support that. I know there are a few good therapists out there, and some people report being helped. If it's healing through the activities that you love, like music and nature, I support that too. I've come to see that it's best for me to have multiple approaches, to not rely on just 1 or 2 things. You'll find what suits you best, as you're already doing.

[Tilly]

 

I am not at all convinced that therapy will be where I find healing. I believe that I will find it in swimming once again, cycling, my love of nature and living the life that I was always meant to live. My GP squishes their face up at this suggestion. I squish my face up equally at the contemplation that drugs can even touch, let alone even begin to heal trauma and improve quality of life.

 

It seems as though we may have had the same GP. My previous one looked on me with absolute disdain when I told him initially that I intended to improve my health well enough to get off all meds..and was met with the same look when I said I'd hoped that weight loss and other healing would end the sleep apnea and negate the need for a CPAP machine.

 

I know for certain that he never believed that my healing from "depression" was possible. And he looked for any possible sign that I'd failed on that count. I took that very personally, that he didn't believe that I could heal.

 

But I see now, that it wasn't personal. He doesn't believe in the possibility of healing. He, like most doctors here, only believes in managing illness. He's succumbed to the model of believing that nearly everything is a chronic illness to be managed..and of course, the means of managing is through medication. I can't tell you how strange it is, that for someone who has lived in a lot of negativity, to suddenly feel, that it's western medicine that's profoundly negative. Underneath, I must have had some kernel of belief that healing was possible..otherwise, I would not have kept searching.

 

For years, I believed that therapy held the answers..if only I could find the right therapy and the right therapist. It took a couple of disastrous experiences on that count, to open me into knowing that healing can be found in so many other ways..through nature, walking, swimming, cycling, qi gong, and through the support of peers.

 

That being said, if there is some healing for you to find through therapy, I thoroughly support that. I know there are a few good therapists out there, and some people report being helped. If it's healing through the activities that you love, like music and nature, I support that too. I've come to see that it's best for me to have multiple approaches, to not rely on just 1 or 2 things. You'll find what suits you best, as you're already doing.

 

Our GP's seem to be ten a penny, love - worthless but oh so prevalent.

 

Their offence is not personal, it arises from ignorance. But boy they spit like camels when challenged! Shame on them!

 

I never did have automatic respect for authority as I was taught. Respect has to be earned.

 

Healing by non medical means is not only possible, but certain and natures way. Otherwise, so many of us here would not be striving to thrive in spite of being failed by the medical establishment.

 

I believe that there are as many good therapists as there are those wanting. Accessing them can be somewhat of a lottery. If I find a therapist who is as committed to my healing as I am, I will happily engage with them as a supplement to my healing. First and foremost, I will always have the best insight and access to my own healing. I will no longer hand over the reigns for my primary care to anyone but myself. Not out of arrogance, but out of a newly found love for myself.

 

I am worthy of the best care possible after years of abuse and trauma. Maybe the best person to entrust my primary care to is myself. I will allow others to support such care, but who knows my needs better than me, my cats, swans, coots & ducks - and trusty, rusty bike

 

Love and healing to you, free. As always xxx

[Tilly]

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

[Tilly]

I feel unbalanced this week. No sleep or excessive sleep (2 days in bed, 24 hours no sleep and broken sleep 4 hours maximum remainder of week). When awake, I feel restless and 'manic' but not in a constructive way. I have lots of skin eruptions (face & body). Increased anxiety. Acute panic attacks and de realisation / depersonalisation.

 

Is it time that I reduce again? 

 

The only time I feel this way usually is when I increase or my dose is too high. I have been on my current dose 2.9mg since May.

 

I feel very unstable. All advice welcome.

 

Thank you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

I've been reading journals that I made when I started up on Escitalopram.

 

My GP advised I start on 10mg and work up to 20mg if needed. I never went up to 20mg but worked up to 10mg over several months by starting on 5mg and increasing by 2.5mg increments as I had experienced an adverse reaction to trying to restart Citalopram prior to starting Escitalopram. 

 

My start up at 5mg was very difficult and featured many of the symptoms that I am now experiencing at 2.9mg. For some reason, being on 5mg (or less) is much harder than my increase or decrease to / from 7.5mg and 10mg.

 

I can see a pattern in my start up symptoms and current withdrawal symptoms at 2.9mg, which is positive in that I now have a clearer idea of what to expect for the duration of my taper and to recognise these effects as withdrawal symptoms.

 

I have decided to hold at 2.9mg until January to enable me to establish an exercise programme and enrol at college this Autumn. In January I will start to micro taper in the hope of minimising the side effects that I have experienced to date and taper steadily in a way which disrupts my well being and quality of life as little as possible.

 

I am feeling more positive about this plan as I feel that it gives me the best chance of a slow, steady recovery with insight into what symptoms to expect.

 

Wishing everyone well on their journey until next we speak.

 

Tilly x

 

PS I was so sad to hear of the passing of Dr Oliver Sacks and Dr Wayne Dyer this weekend. Both authors / practitioners worked with humanity and compassion for others. RIP.

[freespirit]

 

 I will no longer hand over the reigns for my primary care to anyone but myself. Not out of arrogance, but out of a newly found love for myself

 

I am worthy of the best care possible after years of abuse and trauma. Maybe the best person to entrust my primary care to is myself. I will allow others to support such care, but who knows my needs better than me, my cats, swans, coots & ducks - and trusty, rusty bike

 

 

I find these things to be true for myself too Tilly. I was always fierce in my love and protection for my cats, my wife, and for clients...but was unable to feel the same for myself. Now, I protect my health and well-being like a mother lion. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary, out of love and compassion for myself.

 

I think from that place, it's more possible to meet and work with the right kind of practitioners...and we can know immediately when to turn and run, when we are not being met with the level of care and respect that we deserve. Healing is our birthright.

 

I had a lovely email exchange with Tara Brach a few days ago. I'd shared with her how deeply important self-care has become for me. This is what she wrote back: "Self-care is profound, it arises from a true recognition of the sacred that is living through us, and enables us to live from such depth, authenticity."

[Tilly]

 

 

 I will no longer hand over the reigns for my primary care to anyone but myself. Not out of arrogance, but out of a newly found love for myself

 

I am worthy of the best care possible after years of abuse and trauma. Maybe the best person to entrust my primary care to is myself. I will allow others to support such care, but who knows my needs better than me, my cats, swans, coots & ducks - and trusty, rusty bike

 

 

I find these things to be true for myself too Tilly. I was always fierce in my love and protection for my cats, my wife, and for clients...but was unable to feel the same for myself. Now, I protect my health and well-being like a mother lion. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary, out of love and compassion for myself.

 

I think from that place, it's more possible to meet and work with the right kind of practitioners...and we can know immediately when to turn and run, when we are not being met with the level of care and respect that we deserve. Healing is our birthright.

 

I had a lovely email exchange with Tara Brach a few days ago. I'd shared with her how deeply important self-care has become for me. This is what she wrote back: "Self-care is profound, it arises from a true recognition of the sacred that is living through us, and enables us to live from such depth, authenticity."

 

As always, Free, I empathise with and appreciate your thoughts.

 

I advocated for my cats, family, friends and clients much more strongly and effectively than I ever did for myself. Herein lies the / a problem.

 

I am hoping to meet up with a mindfulness group this month (health allowing) to begin a weekly point of contact to connect with like minded people and develop new, healthy, local support networks and rebuild lost skills in attaining peace of mind.

 

I agree, healing is indeed our birthright.

 

I would love to meet or be recommended a therapist who I can have confidence and faith in. I really would embrace this. Until such time, I am happy to work on myself in ways that are healing and find healing in my own ability to self heal to the extent I am able to.

 

Far too much of my 'care' has been (ill) placed in the hands of those not worthy of that trust in the past. A mistake not to be repeated.

 

Your email exchange sounds as genuine and beautiful as the quote that you shared arising from your contact.

 

Thank you for your care and kind words.

 

As always, I wish you the best of health and only good things to come your way.

 

Tilly x

[freespirit]

I find the extent of love and care for yourself is truly heartwarming. I hope that you find the support you deserve, in ways that are best for you. I like the idea of a mindfulness group, as a way to connect with some like-minded folks..and it seems it could be a good way to find referrals for decent therapists or other practitioners. I'm a bit slow in opening to the idea that there could be good therapists, but I do think that it's much more possible to find healthy support, when one is in the place of knowing they will do whatever is necessary to care for themselves...which includes not placing trust in those not worthy of it.

[AliG]

 Hi Tilly,

 

I can't write anything "wild & witty " at the moment, but I appreciate your input,and your friendship, "right now ".  Thank you for the poem , " Desiderata".  Awesome. An oldie, but a goodie !!

[AmyK]

Just want to say hi and say that I follow your journey, even if I havent written anything for a long time. I have a hard time explaing myself in English sometimes, cant find the words.

Anyway, sending you many warm thoughts. Hugs!

[Sean]

Just wanted to say thank you, Tilly, for all of your kind replies in my thread. I hope to see you and all of us come through all of this on the other side better and stronger!

 

Something about your words encourage me and others...it's refreshing to see this in people in general, but especially in times that may seem dark. Hope you had an enjoyable day and you're able to enjoy your weekend!

[Tilly]

Thank you for the lovely messages and encouraging posts. I really appreciate them.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

I find the extent of love and care for yourself is truly heartwarming. I hope that you find the support you deserve, in ways that are best for you. I like the idea of a mindfulness group, as a way to connect with some like-minded folks..and it seems it could be a good way to find referrals for decent therapists or other practitioners. I'm a bit slow in opening to the idea that there could be good therapists, but I do think that it's much more possible to find healthy support, when one is in the place of knowing they will do whatever is necessary to care for themselves...which includes not placing trust in those not worthy of it.

Thank you, free.

 

I feel that we will both find the mutual support that is long overdue to us both, especially needed and welcomed at this time in our lives. I wish this for both of us.

 

I'm not really feeling the need for a therapist right now. Like you, I doubt the credence and motivation of most, not all. Healthy support is always welcome. I am working towards this currently.

 

Much love as always.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

 Hi Tilly,

 

I can't write anything "wild & witty " at the moment, but I appreciate your input,and your friendship, "right now ".  Thank you for the poem , " Desiderata".  Awesome. An oldie, but a goodie !!

Hi Ali,

 

Your friendship is a joy to me. You can't help but be wild and witty - even when you're not trying!

 

I hope that sleep continues to be a good companion to you. We need rest so much in withdrawal.

 

Love, as always.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Just want to say hi and say that I follow your journey, even if I havent written anything for a long time. I have a hard time explaing myself in English sometimes, cant find the words.

Anyway, sending you many warm thoughts. Hugs!

Hi Amy!

 

So lovely to hear from you again, as always.

 

I really appreciate your kind words and you taking the time to stop by.

.

Sending you love and healing.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Just wanted to say thank you, Tilly, for all of your kind replies in my thread. I hope to see you and all of us come through all of this on the other side better and stronger!

 

Something about your words encourage me and others...it's refreshing to see this in people in general, but especially in times that may seem dark. Hope you had an enjoyable day and you're able to enjoy your weekend!

Hi Sean,

 

So lovely of you to stop by. What a lovely message, so full of kindness and hope! Thank you.

 

I am so glad to have made a new friend in you

 

With support, I believe that we will all come out of the other side stronger and much more skilled at achieving a life that brings us joy, that we are all deserving of.

 

I am so glad that you found this wonderful community. You are very welcome here.

 

Wishing you healing and sending love your way.

 

Tilly x

[AliG]

 

 Hi Tilly,

 

I can't write anything "wild & witty " at the moment, but I appreciate your input,and your friendship, "right now ".  Thank you for the poem , " Desiderata".  Awesome. An oldie, but a goodie !!

Hi Ali,

 

Your friendship is a joy to me. You can't help but be wild and witty - even when you're not trying!

 

I hope that sleep continues to be a good companion to you. We need rest so much in withdrawal.

 

Love, as always.

 

Tilly x

 

LOL 

 

It's so nice to hear from you again.  It sounds like you are practicing extreme self - care & setting boundaries for yourself.  I think this will serve you well, both now & in the future.   Thanks, as always for the words of encouragement, here & on my thread.      

 

Love,  back at you,

 

Ali.

[pocketnurse]

Till

 

Not sure how I have managed to miss your posts on here. I am fairly new to posting although I have been a member of SA for a while but just looked in occasionally. I too am trying to withdraw from Cipralex and finding it increasingly more difficult the lower my dose. I don't really have a system in place other than I drop by a minute amount (can't even accurately measure it) as and when I feel able. 

The drop from 10mgs to around 5mgs gave me the false hope that it really wasn't going to be too bad but I was very much mistaken. Compared with many on this site I think so far I have got off fairly lightly but it is starting to get to difficult.

It appears from your posts over the last few months that you have made so much improvement and I am so very pleased for you. 

I wondered roughly where in the UK you are? I am in Hampshire not far from Southampton although originally from the Midlands. How are you getting on with your GP now? 

 

regards

 

PN x

[Tilly]

Till

 

Not sure how I have managed to miss your posts on here. I am fairly new to posting although I have been a member of SA for a while but just looked in occasionally. I too am trying to withdraw from Cipralex and finding it increasingly more difficult the lower my dose. I don't really have a system in place other than I drop by a minute amount (can't even accurately measure it) as and when I feel able. 

The drop from 10mgs to around 5mgs gave me the false hope that it really wasn't going to be too bad but I was very much mistaken. Compared with many on this site I think so far I have got off fairly lightly but it is starting to get to difficult.

It appears from your posts over the last few months that you have made so much improvement and I am so very pleased for you. 

I wondered roughly where in the UK you are? I am in Hampshire not far from Southampton although originally from the Midlands. How are you getting on with your GP now? 

 

regards

 

PN x

Hi Pocketnurse (cute name!)

 

Thank you for stopping by. You are very welcome here 

 

I am not at all surprised that you are struggling at lower doses. This is my experience also. I believe, from my reading, research and experience of this drug, the 'uh oh' point lies way below the so called therapeutic dose. Therefore, the need to tread more carefully is very much pronounced at this stage.

 

I agree that I have made great progress, but have had a crash in recent weeks due to a very small decrease (under 5% after a relatively long hold). I am learning that patience with the inconsistencies of this process is vital to both sanity and efforts to make further progress.

 

I see that you are working as a care professional (nurse). I was a social worker for 13 years and professional & informal care worker for many years prior to this. In this respect, and with the utmost respect, may I advise that you maintain boundaries, do not push yourself within your care role, if anything, step back if at all possible and be the primary caregiver to yourself right now. In the big scheme of things, your self care is paramount.

 

I live in a small village on the border of Nottinghamshire, Derbyshire & Leicestershire. If you are ever visiting home, please feel free to get in touch and stop by for a cuppa & chat. You are more than welcome 

 

My relationship with my GP currently is incredible. Primarily because I do not have one. I have not been able to access a GP to perform a home visit in spite of my recent disability assessment by a government approved nurse, who assessed that in my current state, any journey outside my home constitutes a severe risk to my psychological well being. The search for a GP who can accommodate my prescribed drug induced agoraphobia is ongoing.

 

Please do keep me updated on your progress.

 

I wish you the very best in your recovery.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Crash, bang, wallop! 

 

a 0.1mg (less than 5%) decrease after a hold since May has rocked my boat close to tipping point, causing a rush of waves I have been trying to surf since.

 

This process is very painful. There is no denying this. Whatsoever.

 

Many tears have been shed this week. 

 

I am learning to assimilate waves in the interest of my sanity and future progress, but the process of assimilation features the acceptance of such intense loss. It does not bode well to deny such losses, or not speak of them, in the interest of moving forward and not dwelling on these hurts.

 

The loss of my sense of self and abilities achieved and sustained for some time until just a few weeks previous, the loss of hope for capacity in the immediate future, the loss of integration and need to accept a degree of isolation - not preferred - as the state of being for the foreseeable future, given that my current functioning is so depleted.

 

I am reading and researching nutritional health as much as I am able to currently to educate and enable my health as far as possible and make appropriate, incremental changes, with the potential for positive change to my health. 

 

Winter is fast approaching here in the UK. Maybe it is time to flow with the seasons? Hibernate to some extent. Seek out nutritional benefits. Read. Rest. Educate. Renew. I think that this is all that I am capable of right now. Nevertheless, rest, renewal, education may further my recovery more than I know or believe?

 

I have never fully rested or relaxed in many years. Maybe my body is shutting down with increasing fatigue as a consequence. 

 

I live on the water with beautiful wildlife & nature ever present. There is a garden with a gazebo and bench nearby. I am thinking of writing my own yoga programme for myself, attuned to my own needs (I am a qualified yoga instructor and trainer and miss designing, teaching and practicing programmes). I feel that this would benefit both my physical and emotional distress and enable me to engage in nature daily as a supplement / when no further exercise is possible.

 

I am so very tired. I find it difficult to both talk and listen. To be in company or alone. The very smallest action takes so much effort. I am agitated for the best part of the day currently and fatigued for the remainder. I am hypersensitive to all stimuli. Have aches, pains and itches in parts of my body previously unknown to me.

 

I also have hope, a thirst for knowledge, an inner strength and enthusiasm for life, that is dampened, but by no means destroyed by my symptomatology. 

 

I believe that these qualities will see me through the worst of my experiences in this process. I hope so.

 

I may not write often for the time being, but so many of you are in my thoughts daily. Forgive my written absence / inability to respond as usual. I remain with you in spirit, willing all of our healing to progress as it needs to.

 

I wish all the best that life has to offer to all.

 

Tilly x

[LexAnger]

Dear Tilly,

 

It's so nice hearing you! You have been missed by so many.

You said it so right and beautifully as you always do. It shows your wisdom, strength and sadness that we all share.

 

I know you will continue the battle the best you can until we are out of this extremely dark journey.

 

Take good care and love yourself,

Lex

[freespirit]

Hi Tilly,

 

I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with so much from this latest cut...still, it sounds as though you're responding well to what's happening.

 

I can relate to your sense that you've not rested or relaxed in years. Sometimes, there can be a great gift in being forced to let down..when there's no apparent strength to do otherwise.

 

I've written on my thread that it's difficult for me heading into this time of year. Though I'm used to being quiet and inwards, I've had some resistance to doing it this year. Maybe because I felt stronger as the summer went on and was loving being out riding so much...in any case, fall and winter will come regardless..and I sense being able to surrender to the changes of each season is a more natural and healthy way to live.

 

I think writing your own yoga program could be really amazing. You get to be your own yoga teacher, as well as the student. In that process, you are calling on both aspects of yourself..and providing something that would be impossible to get from any other teacher.

 

I believe as you do, that the qualities that are there will serve you not only through this part of the journey, but through the rest of your life.

 

Rest well, renew, take care of yourself.

 

((((Hugs))))

 

Free

[AliG]

Hi Tilly,

 

It's good to hear an update.   I hope your symptoms settle down a bit after your last cut.

 

With Winter approaching, maybe this is the perfect time to " hibernate" a little .  As you said, " read, rest & renew".  I don't think there is anything wrong with taking this time to do those things, particularly if they further your recovery  . I think at certain  stages in this process, some of us need to accept a degree of isolation, but, as a positive move , geared towards  healing & not to be viewed in a negative way, as is the " norm" in society today ,  when one needs or wants " alone " time. 

 

Not everyone needs this, but some do thrive on a little " time out".   I know myself,  I have needed  it, at times, and I think it can be a positive thing, for some .

 

I can also identify, when you say you're never fully rested or relaxed !   I feel like that, most of the time.   I have a theory, for myself that it's a result of the " abuse".  I think it sets in motion , a " fight or flight" response, that never fully goes away.  Like P.T.S.D..  Well , actually it is, for me anyway . Adrenalin -  non- stop , and forever " walking on eggshells", waiting for another   " catastrophic event", to occur, as it did in the past.

 

Of course, this is exacerbated by drugs & withdrawal, but I think it is inherently there, to start with.   I'm not sure how you feel, but I know it's certainly the case for me.  Maybe you, as well. 

 

I think the " small, incremental changes" that you talk about , add up to an awful lot, at the end of the day.   Like, Dalsaan's 100 things !!  ( that we can do for ourselves , in " withdrawal". )  This is self - care, that perhaps we all have neglected a bit , until now.  I hope you can implement some of these , now , in this  "Sabbatical", of yours. I know that you will, as you are a " survivor" , like me.

 

Just some thoughts. 

 

Wishing you continued healing.

 

Love,    Ali.

[Tilly]

Thank you for the lovely posts, Lex, Free and Ali.

 

As always, thank you for your support, good advice and food for thought. It is very much appreciated.

 

Free, how are you progressing with your low histamine eating plan? It is something that I am looking at incorporating in the coming months by crowding out high histamine foods with lower histamine / better options slowly. I feel that this may alleviate the itching that I suffer from at regular intervals, which may be histamine related. What benefits have you noticed to date, Free (if you don't mind sharing)?

 

Wishing you all continued progress, healing and a smooth transition into Winter.

 

Tilly x