Tilly - Escitalopram / Lexapro Tapering - advice please

[LexAnger]

I'd like to share my recent experience about the small cut. I have been doing 0.025 mg cut (less than 1%) in the past months holding for 2-3 weeks and the symptoms are manageable although very painful still until the most recent cut of 0.05 mg from 3.2mg which turned my world upside down all over places. I upped dosed by adding 0.025 the second day still hellish but I did feel I am getting off the death line today at the 6th day back.

 

I feel for us who are so sensitized, and when at lower doses, even smaller cut is needed and it seems helps with severity of the reaction.

 

I had to adjust my goal of getting off the drug in certain number of years by giving way of not being completely disabled. I feel the current dose I'm at is the turning point of the serotonin concentration curve getting much steeper and I'm guessing the rest journey can be much slower and difficult and needing longer hold.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts and experience on handling the tapering at lower doses.

 

Take care everyone, I'm grateful we have each other for such a terrifying situation.

 

Lex

[freespirit]

Free, how are you progressing with your low histamine eating plan? It is something that I am looking at incorporating in the coming months by crowding out high histamine foods with lower histamine / better options slowly. I feel that this may alleviate the itching that I suffer from at regular intervals, which may be histamine related. What benefits have you noticed to date, Free (if you don't mind sharing)?

 

 

I've gradually been able to add some foods back into my diet, but not others. Spinach, garlic, tomatoes are definitely still a no go. And I'm still dairy, wheat, and sugar-free for the most part. I also eat smaller meals than I used to and almost no leftovers. Drinking more water around mealtimes helps too.

 

As far as benefits, this is that I've noticed since I started reducing histamine:

 

-elimination of headaches

-less muscle and joint pain

-better sleep

-less akathisia

-less anxiety

-less itching and hives

-less asthma-like symptoms

-fewer head symptoms like pressure, waves, etc.

-reduction of mood swings

-more balanced energy through the day (probably helped by no sugar and more frequent, smaller meals too)

-less severe eye symptoms (pain, dryness, itching, blurry vision)

-almost no nasal allergy symptoms now..something I've had off and on through most of my life, but worse in WD

-reduction in nausea or poor appetite

-elimination of vertigo or dizziness

-fewer heart palpitations

-elimination of acid reflux

-reduction of digestive symptoms

 

For me, the initial changes were quite dramatic in reducing or eliminating a lot of the symptoms. I might have gone too far in reducing histamine initially. My mood crashed somewhat after changing my diet, but it was also likely due to the holiday blues. Still, I think going slower is probably better..as for most things. Vitamin C and quercetin were both very important additions, but I changed diet first and added 1 at a time..in much smaller doses than many people are taking.

[Tilly]

I'd like to share my recent experience about the small cut. I have been doing 0.025 mg cut (less than 1%) in the past months holding for 2-3 weeks and the symptoms are manageable although very painful still until the most recent cut of 0.05 mg from 3.2mg which turned my world upside down all over places. I upped dosed by adding 0.025 the second day still hellish but I did feel I am getting off the death line today at the 6th day back.

 

I feel for us who are so sensitized, and when at lower doses, even smaller cut is needed and it seems helps with severity of the reaction.

 

I had to adjust my goal of getting off the drug in certain number of years by giving way of not being completely disabled. I feel the current dose I'm at is the turning point of the serotonin concentration curve getting much steeper and I'm guessing the rest journey can be much slower and difficult and needing longer hold.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts and experience on handling the tapering at lower doses.

 

Take care everyone, I'm grateful we have each other for such a terrifying situation.

 

Lex

Hi Lex,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you too are struggling with the smallest of cuts - I understand and really feel for you (((huge hugs to you)))

 

I agree that our goals have to shift to accommodate us to be able to have some stability and whatever quality of life is achievable at the time. I will be continuing longer holds and smaller cuts as I proceed.

 

This process is not at all linear or predictable. Progress can be made, then temporarily lost with the repercussions of the smallest cut. This can feel soul destroying.

 

I believe that we are at the toughest part of our taper and it may be a kindness to ourselves to acknowledge this to reconcile our experience of suffering during this period and hold on to the hope that things will improve, given time. During this time of struggling, I believe that we are learning to take better care of ourselves and develop coping skills that will benefit us during and beyond withdrawal. We do not always see this at the time.

 

I accept that my functionality is currently severely depleted now and not where I hoped it would be. Rather than feeling disappointed in myself as I usually would, I'm focusing on what I can do. This is small progress.

 

This winter, I will not be out cycling, swimming or engaging in developing my social network as planned as my body and mind is not in the right place to do so. I do not consider this to be a 'failure' as I usually would.

 

I am viewing this winter as a self imposed retreat when I will educate, nourish and nurture myself and hopefully grow in self acceptance and health.

 

I have just ordered my groceries online and some healing herbs and spices. I am a good cook - a skill very much underused as a consequence of the fatigue and other side effects of withdrawal.

 

This week, my focus is not when my next cut will be. It is drawing up a yoga programme for myself and a skincare / bodycare regime including facial massage and acupressure.

 

I will cook each day - Thai red fish curry, Thai green veggie curry, soups, bouillabaisse and stir fries. Hopefully, as a result, this time next week, my world will have opened up a little as a result of this focus and self care.

 

Be kind to yourself, Lex. Do not overburden yourself with expectations and 'shoulds'. Focus on what is and how you can make the very best out of current circumstances, skills and strengths. Be kind and gentle to yourself in every way that you can.

 

You are in my thoughts.

 

Much love as always,

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

 

Free, how are you progressing with your low histamine eating plan? It is something that I am looking at incorporating in the coming months by crowding out high histamine foods with lower histamine / better options slowly. I feel that this may alleviate the itching that I suffer from at regular intervals, which may be histamine related. What benefits have you noticed to date, Free (if you don't mind sharing)?

 

 

I've gradually been able to add some foods back into my diet, but not others. Spinach, garlic, tomatoes are definitely still a no go. And I'm still dairy, wheat, and sugar-free for the most part. I also eat smaller meals than I used to and almost no leftovers. Drinking more water around mealtimes helps too.

 

As far as benefits, this is that I've noticed since I started reducing histamine:

 

-elimination of headaches

-less muscle and joint pain

-better sleep

-less akathisia

-less anxiety

-less itching and hives

-less asthma-like symptoms

-fewer head symptoms like pressure, waves, etc.

-reduction of mood swings

-more balanced energy through the day (probably helped by no sugar and more frequent, smaller meals too)

-less severe eye symptoms (pain, dryness, itching, blurry vision)

-almost no nasal allergy symptoms now..something I've had off and on through most of my life, but worse in WD

-reduction in nausea or poor appetite

-elimination of vertigo or dizziness

-fewer heart palpitations

-elimination of acid reflux

-reduction of digestive symptoms

 

For me, the initial changes were quite dramatic in reducing or eliminating a lot of the symptoms. I might have gone too far in reducing histamine initially. My mood crashed somewhat after changing my diet, but it was also likely due to the holiday blues. Still, I think going slower is probably better..as for most things. Vitamin C and quercetin were both very important additions, but I changed diet first and added 1 at a time..in much smaller doses than many people are taking.

 

Thank you so much, Free for the comprehensive reply. I really appreciate it!

 

I plan to monitor my response to foods in the coming weeks and eliminate slowly where I feel there may be a problem. As a result of my IBS, many 'problematic' foods are not present in my diet which is mostly lean protein, veg, limited dairy and very little grain or simple carbs. Raw garlic is a trigger that I know of currently. I also suspect tomatoes. I am currently taking vitamin C also.

 

I will proceed with caution and see how I go.

 

I am so pleased that you are making progress from these dietary changes. This is wonderful! Food is fuel for our bodies and can be so healing if we take in the foods attuned to our bodies and healing needs.

 

Wishing you continued healing, as always.

 

Tilly x

[LexAnger]

Hi Tilly,

 

Your care, love and support melt my heart! I know what hardship you are in yourself, but you always present yourself with calm, share your wisdom, encouragement, and care to others! Bless your soul my dearest friend!

 

I stopped updating regularly as there are too many variables every day and hour. Sometimes I thought I saw a pattern then soon I would found myself lost again with new/ worsening symptoms. I often thought the situation can't be worse than being blow away by a more terrifying wave. This round of cut proven to be very fritening with worsened symptoms (severe needling/deep bone and muscle pain/numbness/tension on head/upper body, back pain) and new symptoms (confusion, depression, anxiety, heart rate very low one minute and high the next, joint pain, low grade fever, fatigue, chill, hot flush). My interpretation of the sudden change with symptoms is, before reaching 3.2mg, most issues are from the drug reaction from dose increase and now more on WD.

 

I can feel your kindness trying to encourage me and give me hope not being blow off by this terrible wave. With your great example, I will continue hanging in and moving forward when I regain my strength.

 

this experience made me admire more of everyone here who has been battling this hardest war for their lives.

 

All sound so delicious, your menu! I can imagine how elegent and artistic you can set them up hope you find lots enjoyment and peace in making the dishes, of course enjoy them with loved ones!

 

Best wishes and lots love,

Lex

[Tilly]

Hi Lex 

 

I understand the difficulty in updating when symptoms change from hour to hour. It is really difficult to find the energy to do it at times. Getting through the day is more than good enough!

 

Try to keep up your massage and swimming if you can. These things really help, Try to get plenty of rest and relaxation time too. Your body will be crying out for rest during a wave.

 

I have had headache, temperature dysregulation and dizziness today. However, I managed to cook a Thai red fish curry which I am about to enjoy and a sweet potato & coconut soup which I can eat for lunch tomorrow. I feel tired now but some sense of achievement for doing these small things to take care of myself 

 

Take the best of care, Lex. You will improve and recover from these symptoms over time as you have before.

 

Speak soon.

 

Tilly x

[LexAnger]

Oh Tilly, you are a true angle! I am very amazed by how strong you are under your deligant figure!

 

Thank you dearest friend for the very needed encouragement! For the first time, I feel I reached my utmost limit endure more.

 

I have an image of you living as graceful as the situation allows. You are my most admirable inspiration.

 

Biggest hug and lot loves!

 

Lex

[ang]

Hello Tilly,     reading your posts, you are getting there, and you see the positives......... you are an inspiration.

 

Gosh wish I had an appetite, and could cook .....   feel guilty not cooking for my son........ but at nearly 18, he fends for himself    I refuse to feel any guilt..  I can only do, what I can do.....  anything more, I just get panic attacks and I dont need them!

[AliG]

 Tilly,

 

You're taking care of yourself & that's a good thing.   I wish you  the very best .         Love,   Ali. 

[freespirit]

Tilly, It's very heartening to see you taking such good care of yourself! I hope you enjoyed what you prepared. I'm afraid my cooking is far less exotic these days. While I love curries, I can only do very mild ones rarely...spicy things are still problematic much of the time. Cold weather calls for spices in my view. I used to eat a lot of soups, stews, and curries through the fall and winter...and looked forward to them.

 

Let us know how you do regarding changes around histamine. I'm always interested in how those dietary things can be helpful to others. I hope it does provide one piece of the wd puzzle for you.

[MollyN]

 

 

You have a great attitude and are doing all the right things.  I hope you stabilise soon.  Feeling better yesterday is a good sign.

 

Hello Tilly,

 

I pretty much wanted to say the same as Songbird so took the liberty to quote her.

 

I would just like to add that you shouldn't be surprised if your GP doesn't respond well. We are in a strange age where patients have access to all the information which is not easy for doctors' egos....So I guess we should understand them in a way: imagine studying for all those years and then a patient walks in with a stuff printed out from the internet... But still it's possible: I almost fell of my chair when my GP responded to my plan and insights with great interest and she is actually impressed with how I'm doing. 

 

I look forward to hearing about how it goes. But it's important to be aware that the responsibility for our health and well being is ours and therefore we have the right to ask for what we think is the best for us and simply seek for a medical practitioner who will accept our authority in matters related to our health and well being. 

 

Hi Bubble,

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

After a lot of reading & thinking I have decided that taking on my GP right now is not in my best interests. My recovery is about me. I don't need the validation of the medical profession who got me to this point in the first place. I can take these issues up at a later date when I am feeling better. My recovery is priority right now.

 

I have scales for now and can buy syringes etc as needed. I have all of the information that I need here, through my own personal experience & self education and can listen to my own body to pace myself, so all will be well in the end result, even if the journey has its bumps!

 

I hope that your day has been kind to you, Bubble.

 

Hi Tilly - although I'm only on page 1 of your journal, I've also read your blog like a long lost friend. I am so encouraged and emboldened by your attitude to your own health. I think I am finally desperate enough to make concrete changes xxx Looking forward to following you through this xxx

[AliG]

 Tilly,

 

Thank you for your words, on my thread.  They were positive, and strong. Just what I  needed, at the time .

 

I know that you understand , given our similar pasts.

 

Some days, are hard !   You already know this, as do I.  It extends beyond , " withdrawal", obviously. Some things just can't be forgotten. 

 

I'm struggling, but like you, will make it !

 

Hugs,

 

Ali.

[MollyN]

Oh Tilly!

 

I've spent most of the afternoon reading through your harrowing and divinely uplifting journal. 

 

 I'm almost overcome by your glorious and entirely generous spirit. The shock of your disclosure of the domestic violence you were living under - I'm so very sorry. Unlike your other suffering, this is one I knew too well. 

 

Finally I have ears to hear when you and freespirit, ikam and all your darling friends talk of self-care. Finally I get it.

I've started writing a self care guide for myself (and included many inspired uotes from you and many folks on in this thread. Thank you so much all of you.

 

I see so much hope and so much healing and grace here. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and life. 

[Tilly]

Thank you for your kind words, Molly. I have posted on your thread. Likewise, Free & Ali, Lex & Ang

 

Wishing healing to all.

 

Tilly.

[Tilly]

It is a beautiful world that we live in, full of pain and challenges yet the beauty remains.

 

I am so full of pain. Brimming with it. It cascades through my body. From head to toes (mostly left side). Both physical & emotional.

 

My pain signifies life, healing and the processing of unresolved heartache. I do my best to acknowledge it as such. I no longer fear it. I hold it in my hands, soothe it, massage it. Do what I can to ease it.

 

Sometimes, my physical and emotional pain causes me to cry, as now when I type these words. Such a heartfelt pain. At least I know I have the capacity to feel. I would rather feel both joy and pain than have the blunting of all emotions and live in the emotional straitjacket that bound me for many years.

 

I have a spirit that seems to abound from the darkest and most painful of human hurts. So surely I can overcome the trials and terrors of these drugs. I believe so. I have faith in my ability to heal me.

 

I will be taking a break from here but just want to add. I have recently re engaged with Eckhart Tolle and I am benefiting greatly from his teachings. He has lots of talks on you tube. One of the loveliest being the one with Wayne Dyer who passed recently.

 

I am posting a beautiful song for the enjoyment of all who listen.

 

Healing to all.

 

Speak soon.

 

Tilly x

 

[AliG]

 Tilly,

 

So sorry for your pain.  I understand. I have it too.   I like the way , that you put it. "  Signifying life, healing  and unresolved heartache. " You do have a spirit, Tilly , that can overcome this and go on to heal , and be well and happy.  I know that you will find it , at some point,In the future. I have faith in your ability to do that, as well.  I hope you can overcome this.

 

In the meantime, take good care of yourself.

 

Love & hugs,

 

Ali. .

[freespirit]

Will be thinking of you Tilly...I'm also in the physical/emotional pain right now..I have faith that you'll find your way through this too. You definitely have a strong spirit. You're doing amazing self-care and that will help carry you through.

[LexAnger]

Hi Tilly,

 

I cant agree more with freespirit that your strong spirit not only will carry you out of the darkness but also bright up my path getting through each step.

I will be thinking of you all the time and wish you less pain.

 

Love and Hugs,

Lex

[starburst]

Tily I am so inspired by your approach to self care. I also love to cook and food is my passion but when I am feeling bad it all takes a downward spiral. Even last night I just ate a bowl of plain rice because I couldn't be bothered to cook. But after reading through your thread I have dug down in my freezer and grabbed some chicken pieces and a piece of salmon which I intend to cook today. So thank you for that. I am sure my husband will be very thankful when he gets home from work not being faced with another bowl of plain rice!

[AmyK]

"...yet the beauty remains". So true. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Take care, Tilly!

[Tilly]

Much love right back to you all. I am delighted and blessed to have received such beautifully supportive comments and support especially from Free, Lex, Starburst, Ali, Amy, Ang, Marmite & Molly. I hold you all close to my heart and wish you the best of everything in your own respective journeys.

 

I am experiencing a lot of new symptoms: acute panic attacks (mostly at night - very unusual) like never before akin to terror, intense head and neck pressure, breathing difficulties, acute photophobia, unable to go out or experience daylight, increased depersonalisation & derealisation and extreme agoraphobia. Yet in spite of all this, my personal interactions and relationships with people (limited as they are) and nature are more beautiful, genuine and honest than they have been in a long time. Maybe ever. This brings me both joy and hope for the future.

 

The intensity of my symptoms is the primary reason for withdrawing from here for a while. Self care is key for me right now.

 

I am working relentlessly to access a new GP who will register me without a surgery visit which I am not currently capable of and visit me at home to provide me with the prescriptions and support required to continue my taper. This has been and continues to be a huge struggle and source of anxiety for me throughout my taper. I would hate to lose this opportunity to regain my health because I cannot access a GP & prescription to continue my taper due to my current drug induced disability.

 

If anyone can recommend reputable online pharmacists who sell lexapro / escitalopram. I would be happy to hear about any recommendations that will tide me over to prevent cold turkey. My current supplies are low and causing huge anxiety. I feel like cold turkey may be an issue that I need to endure in spite of petitioning my previous GP and MP, to no effect. I am trying to taper quicker than I would like to stretch my current medication further at the cost of my own health. Where is the support in withdrawal? I am yet to witness the slightest support. It is unconscionable to me.

 

I will leave you with very worthwhile discussions on our communal plight in the hope that they make readers feel less alone and provide hope for the potential for change in the future (CEPUK Sept 2015)

 

Much love & healing to all as always,

 

Tilly x

 

 

[starburst]

I am sorry to hear about some of the worsening symptoms. Panic attacks are purely awful and my heart goes out to you. I had a brief experience with intense jaw pain after my last taper but thankfully it didn't last long. 

 

It is great to hear that your personal relationships and love of nature is such a help to you. I have a wonderful old book called "The Country Diary of An Edwardian Lady" By Edith Holden. It is like a nature journal with the most beautiful hand drawn illustrations of flowers, birds and anything else you can imagine in nature. It inspired me so much to take my own children out on 'nature walks' and try to make our own 'nature journals'. It is very different here in Australia, we don't have the same flowers or birds but it is still an awesome experience. It is in nature that I experience the true spirituality that I find lacking within a church building! It is God's own garden and it fills me with awe. 

 

In Australia most online pharmacies require a prescription. I am not sure if they would accept a British Prescription but I can find out for you. I know there are a number of Canadian online pharmacies but have had no experience with them. In saying that I have never seen liquid lexapro available online. There is someone here and I can't for the life of me think who it is who has ordered some liquid lexapro from overseas and is currently waiting on its arrival. I do have a bottle of 20mg liquid which I would be happy to send you. It comes out in 'drops' so one drop is 1mg. I personally find it very annoying and that is why it is in my fridge hardly touched. But I would be more than happy to forward it on to you if you would like. 

[LexAnger]

Hi Tilly,

 

I am so sorry your situation got worse. It must be the recent too fast dose reduction you were forced to make due to meds shortage. I searched around for online pharmacy, they all seem in the form of tablet and made in countries prescription is not required. I am guessing they are made by mimicing the ingredients of the original without clinical trials. It's hard to tell how they are different from the one you are taking. Even though, I feel the worst is to cold turkey. If its all possible to get more supply, I would even think increasing a tiny bit to stabilize. I have been at a much worse situation myself since down to 3.2 with new symptoms flaring up one day or the other in the past 40 days. I feel the 0.025 mg increase did help some with the heart issue and fatigue.

 

It is such a crime! I can't imagine how much more stress this added to your already shaking system.I hope something can be worked out for you. Please let me know if anything I can do to help.

 

Hang in, Tilly. You are so strong and wise. You can make it with the best approach.

 

My prayer is with you,

Led

[nz11]

Hi Tilly

Those sure are wonderful talks on the video. I really liked the one by Breggin.

 

3mg can be a bit of a hurdle as i know of some (songbird and ever) who had trouble crossing this barrier so maybe an option may be to consider longer holds and smaller drops from here on in.

It really is sad that there is more support for illegal drug withdrawal than legal.

[Tilly]

Thank you so much for your responses starburst, Lex & Nz11.

 

A little off topic but relevant to my situation.

 

I just watched the Amy documentary for the second time. First time last night.

 

I am not what you call a fan of many or any celebrity icons as such. My heroes were always based within the realms of my own life. Down to earth true spirits who had succumbed many hurts and tragedies and developed resilience and exhibited spirit in spite of hardships.

 

However, Amy was and continues to be and inspiration to me. There are many parallels. I am not blessed with her soulful voice, but we shared a different but equally dysfunctional parenting. My extended family provided me solace as did hers. As with her, the death of such members of my family sunk me into depths of depression previously unknown to me. We both used anti depressants to buffer our pain and chose partners wrong for us and were manipulated by our family of origin.

 

I love the rough edges of Amy. Her language was often blue, but not offensive (to me), merely expressive, her behaviour promiscuous, but her lyrics so authentic and suffused with pain and overcoming that pain. She was highly intelligent, articulate and vulnerable.

 

I felt such pain for her plight as I have shared many of her experiences and origins of pain.

 

Amy's albums got me through a drug induced rape that I experienced at the hands of an ex partner that I was in the process of befriending to help him.

 

The rawness of her emotions and pure expression of hurt and pain was something that identified with and got me through very dark days.

 

I moved from my home recently. The home that I was raped in. I never felt safe there again and could not sleep in my bedroom (where I was raped). I slept on the couch in my living room. I lived there for many years post rape which was traumatising to me daily. My home was no longer a safe place, so I worked hard to buy and live on a boat, my dream of many years and seek solace in nature.

 

My GP's never understood this choice or how nature or removal of myself from a place of pain could soothe my emotional scars that plagued me daily. In all honesty, they understood little about me and engaged with me as little as possible to support me. Always neglectful in my care, they now abandon responsibility for my care utterly and completely. They tell me to present at A&E or call an ambulance when I require mental health support.

 

I will not do so.

 

As a formal mental health social worker, to present in crisis equals polypharmacy.

 

I cannot register with a new GP in my area without presenting in person, which I am unable to do currently due to drug induced agoraphobia, which is neither recognised or taken seriously here.

 

I hate that my health continues to be controlled by 'health professionals' who are not there for me. I hate that I am an addict not of my own choosing. 

 

I hate that I am a woman labelled with a mental health issue as this precludes my ability to be heard or treated with any credibility whatsoever in spite of my intelligence or insight.

 

Back to the Amy documentary. I also watched a Nina Simone documentary earlier this year and saw a the life story of Billie Holliday played out in a theatre some years ago.

 

I have also watched documentaries of River Phoenix, Kurt Cobain and Heath Ledger. All who experienced comparable 'mental health' and 'substance abuse' issues to the women named above. None of whom have been vilified, labelled and blamed for their suffering that they endured in comparison to their female counterparts. Most of these men carry a legacy of heroism.

 

I am a strong woman who has endured childhood sexual abuse, rape and sexual assaults as an adult, physical, financial and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents throughout my life. I remain strong, but not without need of support. My gender is not a weakness or reason to blame me for my experiences, how they have impacted me or my right to be listened to, heard, believed and responded to with due care and seriousness.

 

Amy could access her drug dealers with ease. My state sanctioned drug dealers are harder to access as my drug induced disability is hard for them to acknowledge. My health remains to be in the hands of those who pushed the drugs to me in the first place. I cannot access them. I have no control over my health in spite of my intelligence and insight. This troubles me hugely and causes me daily anxiety and distress.

 

This is what I wanted to say today. It is my truth and my right to speak it.

 

Tilly

[starburst]

I love Amy too, her voice was unique. There will never be another Amy.

[AmyK]

It's horrible that you cant get a recipy for your AD's, Tilly! Do you have someone that can help you with this? I feel so sorry for you if you have to rush things just because you dont have access to your drugs. There is no GP that can make house visits? I dont know your health system in UK, but here we have a few doctors that can come to your house if you are too sick/disabled.

 

You have been through so much. I wish and hope a peaceful healing for you. You are a strong woman. And you take such good care of your self.

Many hugs!

 

(I love Amy Winehouse too!)

[MollyN]

lots and lots of love from me even though I'm a stranger from far away xxxxx

[melanie]

Hey Tilly,

 

Just wanted to drop by and say "hi". I'm also tapering Lexapro, have been holding at 1,25 mg for the last three months and a few days. It gets easier with time. Unfortunately have additional meds to tackle.

 

Yours was the first thread I went through on this forum. You write beautifully, in such an inspirational manner. I very much enjoyed your descriptions of being connected to nature at such a deep level. As well as your constructive self-care approach, full of compassion, consequence and motivation.

 

I also admire your courage in speaking up about your point of view (on two different threads), when no one else had the guts to do so...

 

According to "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, "self-confidence" is "sureness about one's self-worth and capabilities." People with this competence "can voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for what is right."

 

I also love cats. Have one exotic tricolor Kitty, aged 4 yrs 7 months. She means the world to me.

 

Amy was a beautiful human being, badly destroyed by drugs. Just like Whitney Houston, who went from benzos to booze, then to drugs.

Heath Ledger "only" had a benzo problem and that brought him to death. Just like Elvis, pills only.

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

[Tilly]

It's horrible that you cant get a recipy for your AD's, Tilly! Do you have someone that can help you with this? I feel so sorry for you if you have to rush things just because you dont have access to your drugs. There is no GP that can make house visits? I dont know your health system in UK, but here we have a few doctors that can come to your house if you are too sick/disabled.

 

You have been through so much. I wish and hope a peaceful healing for you. You are a strong woman. And you take such good care of your self.

Many hugs!

 

(I love Amy Winehouse too!)

Hi Amy,

 

It is so lovely to hear from you as always. Thank you for taking the time to stop by.

 

I continue to work on my issue of accessing medication. As a former social worker, I tried to self refer for a social work assessment last year to have an advocate to liaise with so called 'medical professionals' on my behalf. Self referrals can no longer be made (unless in 'crisis') I was advised that I could not self refer and need to be referred by a GP which I cannot access!

 

In the past, I have had no problem accessing home visits when suffering from sciatica (back pain). However, agoraphobia is a very much neglected condition in the UK with no real recognition as a disability in terms of access to support or health services, even though it is recognised as a disability in law. I will not give up the fight, but will also reduce my medication again tomorrow. If I have to withdraw completely, the less I have to withdraw from, the better.

 

Huge hugs right back to you, Amy! I wish you the best of everything as always.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Hey Tilly,

 

Just wanted to drop by and say "hi". I'm also tapering Lexapro, have been holding at 1,25 mg for the last three months and a few days. It gets easier with time. Unfortunately have additional meds to tackle.

 

Yours was the first thread I went through on this forum. You write beautifully, in such an inspirational manner. I very much enjoyed your descriptions of being connected to nature at such a deep level. As well as your constructive self-care approach, full of compassion, consequence and motivation.

 

I also admire your courage in speaking up about your point of view (on two different threads), when no one else had the guts to do so...

 

According to "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, "self-confidence" is "sureness about one's self-worth and capabilities." People with this competence "can voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for what is right."

 

I also love cats. Have one exotic tricolor Kitty, aged 4 yrs 7 months. She means the world to me.

 

Amy was a beautiful human being, badly destroyed by drugs. Just like Whitney Houston, who went from benzos to booze, then to drugs.

Heath Ledger "only" had a benzo problem and that brought him to death. Just like Elvis, pills only.

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

Hi Mel,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I really appreciate it.

 

Your words are very kind at a time when they are so welcome. You have brightened my morning and boosted my spirit this morning. Thank you so much! 

 

I am so pleased to hear that you are coping well with your taper at such a low dose. The finishing line is clearly in sight for you, Mel. You have much to look forward to. Your new life is waiting for you and peeking around the corner at you! You should be so proud of your journey. I am delighted for you!

 

I continue to thrive on nature even though I cannot currently get out. Waking to birdsong, hearing the geese migrate overhead and watching / hearing the wildlife here always breathes life into me. My beloved swans always seem to know just when to visit to lift my spirits and my cats are a constant source of laughter (they are cheeky and playful), joy and companionship.

 

I am extremely photo phobic currently. The quality of light and air pressure has been oppressive in recent weeks. I almost collapsed the last time I tried to venture out due to the over stimulation and anxiety it provoked. I have my curtains drawn all day. However, yesterday, for the best part of the morning, the light had a beautiful warm and golden quality to it and lit up the trees and water beautifully. I enjoyed peeking out my window at it! Nature is such a beautiful, genuine source of joy even during the darkest of days. 

 

"I also admire your courage in speaking up about your point of view (on two different threads), when no one else had the guts to do so..."

 

Thank you for the validation, Mel. I really appreciate it. It also takes courage to support and validate a lone voice that differs from the group. I both respect and salute you for this. 

 

A huge part of my desire to be medication free is to live an authentic life. If I am not authentic in my interactions with others, I am not being true to myself. I am not willing to live any other way, whether my views are popular or not. The views that I express are considered, authentic and delivered with good intentions. I believe that we all have much to teach and learn from each other within the context of an open dialogue.

 

According to "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, "self-confidence" is "sureness about one's self-worth and capabilities." People with this competence "can voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for what is right."

 

This is a quote that I am not familiar with. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I have learned something new today! I am going to paste this quote to my desktop, along with your message to re read at regular intervals.

 

Your kitty sounds adorable! I'm sure that she brings joy into your darkest days as my kitties do.

 

Amy had a wonderful spirit. I was very blessed to see her perform live and witness her talent. She was a haunted soul and never had the right people at the forefront of her life to support her. She succumb to drugs for self medication and escapism (maybe triggered by antidepressant use from age 13? Who knows?). One of my goals for next year is to visit Camden in London, and explore Amy's old stomping ground where she tried to enjoy some degree of normality with her friends. There is a memorial statue to her (picture link attached).

 

That golden sunlight has returned this morning. I am going to enjoy it from my window with a cuppa   

 

Thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful message to me, Mel.

 

I wish you the best of everything and continued success in your healing.

 

Huge hugs

 

Tilly x

 

https://rickeyorg-rickeyllc.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Amy-Winehouse-Bronze-Statue-Unveiled-in-London.jpg

[melanie]

Hi Tilly,

 

Thank you for taking the time to post those beautiful words on my thread and on yours. Here's my favorite picture of Amy, just before the drugs destroyed her:

 

http://www.jewishjournal.com/lifecoachjew/item/amy_winehouses_last_goodbye_39110723

 

Can't post the photo alone, don't know how to do it... There is such a purity and clarity in those eyes. Beautiful human being, badly destroyed by drugs... As far as I know, Amy was trying hard to live up to the expectations her beloved alcoholic father had of her. And her mother was a pharmacist... Not the best parental combo, I guess.

 

Sorry you are photophobic, that must be terrible. No words can describe how I crave the Sun. But here in the North it's dark, rainy and cold all the time. I'm glad you were able to enjoy a bit of sunshine in the morning. Am very worried you cannot access a GP for home visits...

 

I am also homebound, confined to my apartment building. Together with my Kitty, but she's scared to go out even on the terrace. I try to meditate on sunny days, just watching the beautiful autumn colors of the trees. Go out so very rarely, just to my pdoc and therapist appointments, sometimes to AA meetings with my loved one.

 

As to my Kitty: every time I look at her, touch her... A little window opens. And hope for a better future for the two of us.

 

That emotional intelligence thing... you seem to have gotten it to a great degree. But I'll send you a link to the book anyway:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X

 

You said you like audiobooks. It is also available as an audiobook on Amazon Audible.

 

I would be unjust to say you were the only one trying to speak up and bring your different point of view on those two threads: there was also Starbust, Marmite, Adagioo, Ang... sorry if I forgot someone.

 

I think all you are trying to do is to make this forum a better place, where suffering, lost souls like us would feel more validated and understood.

 

So many addiction treatment centres incorporate AA's philosophy nowadays. Because AA's philosophy excludes judging people. States a clear difference between co-dependency and compassion. Gives people the right to express their pain and imperfection. They don't have to present that perfect optimistic persona, either virtual or real life one...

 

We come here with different diseases and life traumas, some of us are unfortunately more sick than others, but we have one goal in common: to free ourselves from the medication spellbinding. To become drug free as much as possible.

 

Anyone trying to make this forum a better place is so extremely valuable to the community IMO. But it takes a tremendous amount of courage...

 

I'm going to follow every single one of your posts.

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

[Tilly]

Dear Mel,

 

It has been so lovely getting to know you recently. I bought the book that you quoted from (Daniel Goleman - Emotional Intelligence) and look forward to reading it. I will think of you when I do.

 

You are a strong, vibrant woman, more than capable of healing and thriving. I wish this for you.

 

I wish you continued healing in the final part of your withdrawal and the best that life has to offer you.

 

Take the very best care of yourself. You will be in my thoughts.

 

Much love & hugs to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Dear All,

 

It has been such an honour to share in the most sensitive and painful experiences that life has brought us with such a wonderfully strong and diverse group of people. It has been wonderful to witness and be a part of the exchange of mutual compassion and support for such experiences with aim of healing underpinning our interactions. I have developed genuine friendships here during this process which is a huge blessing to me and will continue to be so.

 

The process that led us here and is ongoing throughout withdrawal is incredibly difficult and painful and inevitably features huge losses and trauma for us all. The ability to acknowledge and share these losses, be heard and receive empathy and compassion from those who truly understand is a key facilitator of our healing.

 

I have lost family and friends that I never really had in a genuine sense from the start, I have been homeless, lost a career, my freedom through drug induced agoraphobia, I lost aspects of my health and sense of self. Some of these losses will be permanent, some will and have been temporary.

 

However, I have also gained so much. The knowledge and experience that I have acquired as a consequence of 16 years of medication, often learned painfully, will inform my my life decisions currently and in the future for the better of me and those around me. I have learned what is truly important to me. I have learned how to live an authentic life and be true to myself. I have learned that I have value, as we all do. Maybe most crucially I have learned to believe in myself. I believe that I have the ability to overcome the hurts that I have experienced and create the life that I choose and deserve to live. 

 

No one chooses to experience such devastating pain that impacts so many aspects of our lives, but it does not have to be the end of us. I say this, not as someone who is fully recovered. I am in the throes of withdrawal with all of the challenges that it brings. I am agoraphobic and currently have no GP as a consequence. However, I see positive changes and growth daily amid the pain and challenges. 

 

I am not perfect, neither is my life. Perfection is something I no longer strive for. I am the best version of myself that I can be right now. It is not a static state. It changes. I work as hard as I can to achieve these changes in my self and in my life. I am proud of the smallest of achievements I make and I build on them.

 

Do not ever lose hope in your ability to heal and thrive. We are all so much more capable than we have ever been told or believe ourselves to be.

 

We are all infinitely capable of our own ongoing healing. Outlets and activities that bring you joy and aid you therapeutically can be of great assistance with our individual healing processes. Mine being my houseboat that allows me to enjoy my love of travel & nature whether I'm agoraphobic or not, a bike which is another tool of freedom for me, an abundance of nature surrounding me which brings me joy, wonder and a spiritual connection, my cats who are loving, playful companions and a constant source of surprise and laughter, creativity in the form writing, design and sewing, a sense of adventure and love of exploring new ideas, experiences and learning opportunities. 

 

These are my therapeutic outlets that bring me healing, confidence and joy, encouraged by a few precious, genuine people surrounding me. I have either developed these skills or connected to these pleasures most significantly during withdrawal. It is never too late and we are never too incapacitated to find and explore what brings you joy more fully, with often unexpected positive results, improved health and side benefits. 

 

I believe that life is a series of chapters that end when we are ready to undertake a new one. I am ready to undertake the next chapter in my life. I am looking forward to it. I have much life to live and new experiences to enjoy. My withdrawal journey is incomplete, but full of potential, as is my life. This potential excites me and brings me hope and strength during my lowest ebbs.

 

The framework of guidelines that we currently live and adhere to within in society are laid down by other people for us, not always with the best of intentions for the greater good or benefit of others. We here know enough of the medical and pharmaceutical industry to understand this. Be the author of your own life story. Pace it to suit you and fill it full of what heals you and brings you joy to the best of your ability. It is the very least we owe ourselves.

 

I wish everyone ongoing healing and the best that life has to offer. I do not pray, but light a candle daily for all of those I know who are in need of healing. I will continue to do this for each of you and keep you in my thoughts. It has been a pleasure knowing you and sharing a part of your journey.

 

Tilly x

[Rachelina]

Hi Tilly, what a lovely post, thank you. Just wanted to say hello. I have some things in common with you as I have had very severe agoraphobia throughout my entire taper, though I am in a crash now and that's the least of my problems. I took your idea of making lists of things to look forward to or things to learn and explore, (you posted this on AmyK's thread). I wrote a page and a half list yesterday and it really reminded me that my spirit is still alive in me somewhere even though it feels dead. I even added wild swimming to the list in your honor I find your bright spirit so inspiring and want to thank you for sharing it with us. 

[Tilly]

Hi Rachelina,

 

Hello right back! We do have much in common.

 

I'm so glad to hear that some of my coping strategies have been helpful to you. Enjoy your experience of wild swimming - it is both invigorating and life affirming

 

Our spirit can be rediscovered in the simplest of daily tasks and activities. You are not your symptoms. You are capable of all that you ever dreamed of and so much more.

 

I read of your recent spiritual crisis. Such experiences are common during a healing crisis when so may aspects of ourselves are shifting. You will recalibrate and find spiritual connection and strength once again. For now, take each day as it comes. 

 

Be gentle, kind and patient with yourself.

 

Life unfolds for us all as it needs to, often at a slower pace than we would like.

 

You are in my thoughts.

 

Love & hugs to you, Rachelina.

 

Tilly x