Tilly - Escitalopram / Lexapro Tapering - advice please

[Tilly]

It is funny upon reflection that I have posted so much music in my thread. Music is therapeutic and cathartic to me and an instrument and accompaniment of my love of dance. For several years, I deprived myself of the music that I loved, held fond memories of and danced to. I did not listen to music as I did not want to taint it with memories of sadness. I think that I am now learning to use music as a source of healing and catharsis once again.

 

Here is a song from a much loved singer from my home town that I know well and love much. He is a modern day poet and this song very much encapsulates how I feel right now.

 

[LoveandLight]

Nice to hear from you xx

[Skyler]

The return of Tilly!  Excellent... GOOD to see you.

[Purplestars22]

So glad that you posted, I love your choice of music songs. Remember you are a strong and courageous woman whom has a lot of wisdom to share.

[btdt]

Tilly nice to see you post. 

Heat may help the pain epson salt baths saved me more than once.. deep cold and hot rubs too... just some ideas NIce song I like the flute... it is under represented in todays music very peaceful 

as  

always 

wishing 

you 

peace

[Petunia]

I'm glad you posted again Tilly and are able to share some of what you are going through. While reading what you wrote about shame, I was reminded of the work of Brene Brown. She did a TED talk about the Power of Vulnerability and the role shame plays in our lives.

 

I'm going to disagree with you about having nothing to contribute, sharing what you are going through helps those of us who are struggling with similar things.

[btdt]

Muriel Rukeyser > Quotes > Quotable Quote

“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?

The world would split open.”

more than you know woman all over the world carry the same wounds and never voice the pain... peace to you

[direstraits]

glad you posted ,Tilly

 

hoping for healing in every aspect of your life ((((hugs)))

[mammaP]

I'm with Petu Tilly, you write beautifully and sharing your pain can only help you to recover, and in turn help others too. It is good to se you here again, I've thought of you often. 

[freespirit]

Thanks for stopping by my thread Tilly. I'm glad to see you here again. I'll echo what's been said above...wishes for healing and adding that your healing process is a contribution...even when you're unable to post.

 

Shame is one of the more difficult emotions to deal with I think. I hope you find some help with the guided imagery.

 

I know you have your own spiritual path, but wanted to recommend Tara Brach. She's a western Buddhist teacher and used to also be a psychotherapist. I've had the privilege of doing retreats with her. She's dealt with chronic health issues for many years and has found ways for that to really serve her awakening. I find her very compassionate and wise. She speaks a lot of what she calls, "the trance of unworthiness"..shame is often a deep component of that. The talks maybe too much for you right now, but here is a link to her meditations http://www.tarabrach.com/audioarchives-guided-meditations.html Some are as short as 10 minutes. I've worked extensively with loving kindness meditation over the years and found some healing around shame through that practice.

[Songbird]

Tilly, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.  I haven't been here in a while.  I don't feel like there is anything I can say that will be of any use, just hang in there, you are a very strong person, and healing will happen eventually.  I feel so sorry you are suffering so much right now.  I'm just wishing for relief and healing for you very soon.

[Tilly]

My internet connection is currently as void and dismembered as my current interaction with the outside world. Sending this message took 2 hours of shifting of devices and adjusting aerials! Such is life on the waves. I would not change it for anything. My connection to nature reflects the very core of my being and experience of birth, loss, pain and renewal.

 

Lexanger, I see I have an email from you but cannot open it on my phone or PC. The internet provider is changing on the marina and I have had no connection for 10 days. The issue should be resolved in the next 10 days. I will try at intervals to message you, but if this message does not get through, be aware it is coming as soon as it is able to.

 

However, a disconnect from the cyberspace has allowed me an insight into myself via radio plays, reading and self nurturing / massage with coconut oil. Reading the works of R.D Laing who sees through the bullsh*t, authoritarian, abusive, self serving construct of the psychiatric premise that he worked within is both insightful and empowering. Kudos to any professional who questions the parameters of their 'professional' boundaries. Such mavericks will be subject to so much criticism from peers, but will advance the cause of those that they work with beyond the scope of the era in which they worked and the span of their life.

 

I am learning through such readings that the maladaptive coping mechanisms, initiated to protect me from further abuse and hurt are actually the very mechanisms that tear away at my very sense of self and being. 

 

My learning is rapid. I feel that my exposure to my darkest fears will follow soon with repeated action until I can be me once again. No longer occluded by pain or fear. The woman that I was as a late teen / early twenties before the **** hit the fan. But more so. A bright spark of energy. enthusiasm and creativity untouched by anything that could diffuse my sense of self.

 

The drugs suspended me in a state of non - self. I have reduced from 10mg to 2.9mg and feel a lifting that works alongside bitter pain and soul destroying withdrawal symptoms. However. I have faith that the pain will eventually lift and my real self will be unstoppable. I still feel her. She murmurs at times beneath the undercurrent of pain. The fact that I still exist in totality amid the undercurrent of pain is testament the the strength of my sense of self.

 

I saw this Beckett play for the first time this week during a brief period of clarity amid a much missed internet connection. I do not identify with many of his works, but with this, I so do.

 

I see this piece as the very embodiment of the chatterbox. The inner voice that plagues sufferers of anxiety and depression and most states of emotional distress to be honest.

 

DO NOT WATCH IF VULNERABLE.

 

This is a very powerful, emotional piece that I find distressing but somewhat affirming even in the best frame of mind.

 

Love and healing to all.

 

Tilly x

 

PS. Petunia, prior to my internet glitch, I exhausted the Ted Talks several weeks ago and Brene Brown a fellow social worker resonated with me. But her first talk called to me as somewhat disingenuous. Her second talk affirmed this as a consequence of insecurity. It made me value her words, courage and integrity even more.

 

Thank you so much to regular posters who I am yet to offer a proper response to. I hear you all. Your words bring me such warmth and comfort and I value you greatly. Sincere and profuse love to you all x

 

Not I

[btdt]

Hi Tilly glad your still with us in some sense of the word I will skip the video today.. just wanted to say I am wishing you peace ... and am happy you can connect on some level with your authentic self.. for me that connection was the most powerful incentive... a taste made me want more. 

I wish you peace

[brassmonkey]

Sometimes being forced to disconnect can be a great thing.  It sounds like a real positive experience for you.  Your update sounded so positive.  Hope your connection returns soon though, we miss you.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[Tilly]

Thank you btdt.

 

I feel more myself currently than I ever have in such a long time. Not everyone will approve of my current self as it is based on my authenticity and not pleasing others as was such a characteristic of my former (false) self, so in need of approval, Primarily from the parents that abused me.

 

I no longer need or seek such approval from those so unworthy of granting such. I am me. Wonderfully, uniquely me that has made my way through a tough, punishing world (especially so for women) with all of the flair and quirks that make me...me. I will not be diminished by any of the many forms of abuse that I have suffered ~ physical, sexual, emotional & financial by multiple family members at any given time. Shame on them. Time for them to carry the burden of guilt that has weighed me down for the best part of my life. I will not be further oppressed by the SSRI's. When I raise my voice in protest against my GP and he discredits it, it resonates with the voice of my other abusers, my parents. At least my voice and protest is registered and heard on this occasion. Stored for the betterment of generations to come who speak out in greater numbers against these atrocities. 

 

I wish you peace and love right back btdt. Be well my love.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Sometimes being forced to disconnect can be a great thing.  It sounds like a real positive experience for you.  Your update sounded so positive.  Hope your connection returns soon though, we miss you.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

Love to you, Darling. Your message warmed my heart. I will be back as soon as connectivity allows. I hope that you are happy & well.

 

Speak soon,

 

Tilly x

[freespirit]

Tilly,

 

I'm happy to see you back. There's a lot of power imbedded in your posts here. It seems being disconnected in one sense has connected you in another. It's so good seeing you place the shame/guilt back where it belongs, and not festering inside you. That in itself is enormous I think.

 

Thanks for visiting my thread and posting there too.

[Tilly]

I am somewhat in flux.

 

I have had an amazing few months in so much as I have made and kept dental appointments and received long overdue treatment (as an agoraphobic and dental phobic this is huge to me).

 

My dentist is such a beautiful person and highly professional. She takes her time with me. So much so, I no longer fear my dental appointments and received treatment that has enhanced my well being.

 

I go out once a week now (or fortnightly) which is huge as an agoraphobic. My ventures out bring a high. But my lows are so much deeper. Has anyone else experienced this? My lows are terrifying. Cause me to believe that I will die at any minute and am in physical danger causing a freeze response. Like a panic attack but much more intense.

 

I hope that everyone reading is well and making progress.

 

Much love to all.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

I have lots of waking thoughts. Of my parents dying. My parents abused me sexually, emotionally, physically and financially. I tried to make peace with them on numerous occasions but never could. They were never open to discussion. How can I begin to heal this pain? It hurts me daily.

[moodyblues78]

I have lots of waking thoughts. Of my parents dying. My parents abused me sexually, emotionally, physically and financially. I tried to make peace with them on numerous occasions but never could. They were never open to discussion. How can I begin to heal this pain? It hurts me daily.

You tried. They didn`t. End of story. You have done your share and no one can demand anything more from you.  Put them to a category of people that are not important to you. If possible do not interact with them and remember that you do not owe them anything no matter how guilty they try to make you feel. Focus on relationships that are healthy for you. Accept your anger and frustration. Don`t fight it. It will pass in time. Healing starts from there. At least it did for me..

[freespirit]

Hi Tilly,

 

I think it's great you're able to get out and have been receiving dental work. These things sound like huge achievements.

 

I can relate to some greater highs, accompanied by deeper lows. For some reason, it's led me to think about Jung's discussion of enantiodromia....which he said "foreshadows a rebirth of the personality". I think of the swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other, as incorporating so much more rather than living in the narrow band I came to on AD. 

 

I can understand and relate to the pain you describe regarding your family. Perhaps your question was more of a rhetorical nature. It took me a lot of rounds to realize that no healing was going to happen between family members and myself. It was strictly an inside job. I think this kind of legacy with family never really goes away. It becomes a part of who you are, but hopefully in time, it does not bring such constant pain.

 

But like everything else we face, each of us has to find our own path through. Some people in my life questioned the distance I put between my family and myself. But they are not me, and did not live through what I did...I couldn't even begin to explain to someone else what I lived through. I just knew for my mental health, that distance was the best choice I could make for me..even if no one else understands it. The longer the distance has been there, the safer I've felt. It's the only means of self-protection I have with them.

 

WD seems to bring us face-to-face with whatever haunts us most. Are your feelings about your situation stronger during wd?

[Tilly]

Just stopping by to say hello Tilly. You're on my mind often....things must feel entirely overwhelming at this point...you have so much wisdom and inner strength...let these and your love of nature help carry you along. Take care.

Thank you, freespirit. I think of you often even when I am absent here. I wish you the best of everything. My swans visited me today. I sent love from us both as lovers of nature.

 

How are you faring, lovely?

 

Tilly x

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Tilly,

 

I have missed you!

 

Swans are an odd totem, or are they real? I think I missed something.... Oh, well, hope your posting means you are well.

[Tilly]

 

I have lots of waking thoughts. Of my parents dying. My parents abused me sexually, emotionally, physically and financially. I tried to make peace with them on numerous occasions but never could. They were never open to discussion. How can I begin to heal this pain? It hurts me daily.

You tried. They didn`t. End of story. You have done your share and no one can demand anything more from you.  Put them to a category of people that are not important to you. If possible do not interact with them and remember that you do not owe them anything no matter how guilty they try to make you feel. Focus on relationships that are healthy for you. Accept your anger and frustration. Don`t fight it. It will pass in time. Healing starts from there. At least it did for me..

 

This post touched me deeply. Thank you for taking the time to write moodyblues. You have confirmed what my head understands, but my heart refuses to believe or come to terms with (time and again!)

 

This is my second true departure / separation from my parents. The first was ten years ago (for 3 years) after much abuse that continued upon reconciliation. I have no contact with any of my family. My choice.

 

I felt such guilt for writing my last post, I was unable to return until now. I understand this abuse intellectually, but am yet to come to terms with it emotionally. I continue to carry the burden of shame that is rightfully theirs. I don't know how I can ever rid myself of it. I wish them no harm for the hurt they caused me. Just a huge sense of loss in so many aspects of my life that leaves a void in me that is painful and aches daily.

 

I suffered abuse regularly as a child. Saw my parents argue, suffered physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I was an overachiever. A 'good girl' and never understood how my behaviour warranted such a response.

 

As an adult, I set up home at 19. My parents changed the locks on my home when they found I was moving cities and starting a new life away from them to find peace. Their control over me pervades into my adult life. I had to get a solicitor involved to regain my own home.

 

I supported my family financially from the age of 18. The financial losses and gains that they made from me are painful. Not so much as the sexual abuse that I suffered at their hands.

 

***TRIGGERING***

 

I struggle to shower now as an adult as my father 'supervised' my showers at ages non appropriate to such supervision. I am a dates person - or was. Used to remember every date. I can't remember the dates of my supervised showers, only that they occurred when I was developing pubic hair and fully able to wash myself. Just a few years ago, I found images of young girls showering in pornographic images on his computer, saved in the same folder as my nephews.

 

My relationship with my Sister disintegrated partly due to the fact I warned her that if I ever learned that my parents had unsupervised access with my parents that I would report her and them to social services to safeguard my nephews.

 

Her partner sexually abused me for almost 10 years. I had to put up with this to see my Nephews. 

 

The worst of it all was my mother's sexual abuse of me. How do you heal from this when every counsellor physically flinches at the mention of such abuse?

 

The woman who is meant to nurture and care is the source of her child's greatest fears. Everyone I know / have known tells me that I look nothing like my family. I agree. I have the Mediterranean genes of my maternal grandfather and blend well in Spain / Italian / Greek cultures due to my olive skin and dark hair. My parents and sister are fair haired with blue / green eyes. Mine are brown. But every now and then, I glimpse a characteristic of my Mother's face in mine. My primary abuser has not only invaded my body whilst abusing me. She is housed within it. She and her DNA seeps into the very genes that I am made up of. 

 

Is it any wonder that I do not feel safe within my own body, let alone in outside spaces. That monster of a woman is a part of me, which makes me a monster. I never feel safe in my own body as a consequence.

 

I really do not know how to heal from this. All of my skills from psychology training and 13 years of social work draw a blank. I am trying so hard, but have no formal support or idea where to start to heal from such disabling, eroding pain the diminishes me daily.

 

This is not a question for you to answer, moodyblues. No one can. It is merely thoughts provoked by your post. But all suggestions are welcome. I am very much at a loss and losing my sense of self as a consequence.

 

I was at a low ebb a few days ago. I thought of self harm. Even if I harmed myself, she would be bleeding into me and bleeding out of me. Her genes are inside of me. I can't escape them. Even in self harm or suicide, she is present. controlling me as always.

 

Apologies for the horrific nature of this post

 

Much love.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

 

I have missed you!

 

Swans are an odd totem, or are they real? I think I missed something.... Oh, well, hope your posting means you are well.

My swans are real. A mated pair and 5 cygnets. They showed up today at a very low ebb and were so welcome with their raised beaks to acknowledge my presence (and the will to be fed!) They are very beautiful and magical creatures. I adore them and will post images as soon as I am able.

 

Much love to you cymbalta. I hope that you are well xx

 

PS. Missed you too, lovely x

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

 

I think it's great you're able to get out and have been receiving dental work. These things sound like huge achievements.

 

I can relate to some greater highs, accompanied by deeper lows. For some reason, it's led me to think about Jung's discussion of enantiodromia....which he said "foreshadows a rebirth of the personality". I think of the swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other, as incorporating so much more rather than living in the narrow band I came to on AD. 

 

I can understand and relate to the pain you describe regarding your family. Perhaps your question was more of a rhetorical nature. It took me a lot of rounds to realize that no healing was going to happen between family members and myself. It was strictly an inside job. I think this kind of legacy with family never really goes away. It becomes a part of who you are, but hopefully in time, it does not bring such constant pain.

 

But like everything else we face, each of us has to find our own path through. Some people in my life questioned the distance I put between my family and myself. But they are not me, and did not live through what I did...I couldn't even begin to explain to someone else what I lived through. I just knew for my mental health, that distance was the best choice I could make for me..even if no one else understands it. The longer the distance has been there, the safer I've felt. It's the only means of self-protection I have with them.

 

WD seems to bring us face-to-face with whatever haunts us most. Are your feelings about your situation stronger during wd?

Hi freespirit!

 

So lovely to hear from you as always.

 

Yes, my dental work is a huge achievement. I am very proud of achieving this goal this year. I have a picture of me during my second appointment / treatment and I look very serene in the chair! My dentist is an angel and has compassion in abundance and a quirky sense of humour that matches mine, bless her heart! I am blessed to have found her.

 

I have had an impacted wisdom tooth and dental abscess that I became very apt at draining with a sterilised sewing needle, coconut oil and painkillers!

 

I became very ill for a few weeks post extraction due to the infection. But my teeth are sparkly & healthy now

 

I was raped in 2007 which prevented me from accessing any invasive treatment since, whereas my previous health checks were up to date. I'm aiming for my first smear test in almost 10 years before the end of this year. Fingers crossed

 

I will look into Jung again. My personality is very much re birthing and swinging. Not all happy swings. Often painful jolts.

 

I'm on my second round of separation from my family. I'm feeling this much harder as the potential for discussion and healing is pretty none existent. I am grieving for what I never had, what I lost as a consequence and what I can never make right all at once.

 

That said, I am learning to be a little selfish and meet some of my health, emotional and spiritual needs. Slowly but surely, I am making progress

 

No one knows or understands the loss of living family members that you never had or can never reach unless they have been there. I know your pain and feel for your loss. You are such a wonderful person - maybe due to empathy and understanding gained as part of this painful process? 

 

"The longer the distance has been there, the safer I've felt. It's the only means of self-protection I have with them."

 

I felt this the first time I let go. In the second and third year. I am still in my first year of this 'episode'. I believe that time will bring me more peace as before. 

 

"Are your feelings about your situation stronger during wd?"

 

Do you know, freespirit, I never even considered this. Thank you for raising this question. I believe that these issues are a ongoing thread throughout my life, but at times, in recent months (withdrawal) they have become all consuming & unbearable. Great point! 

 

Thank you so much for your compassion and thoughtful post, freespirit. It has given me much to think about and provided me with much needed warmth, compassion and understanding. Bless your heart!

 

I hope that you are happy & well.

 

I will view and post on your thread asap.

 

In the meantime.

 

Much love, as always,

 

Tilly x

 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am sure I am all wet as far as currently accepted psychological wisdom goes, but I believe you don't heal from your past and can't really do so because it is a jumbled mixture of physical and mental experiences and thoughts and is in the PAST, where it cannot be experienced again unless you visit it in your thoughts. That can't be helped but you can work on steering your mind away from there. I think healing happens on its own (and by healing I might mean you are less bedeviled by thoughts of the horrible past) when you actively pursue your life in the present. Like by cleaning the house, feeding the swans, reading funny fiction, putting one foot in a dry shower (baby steps!), growing a flower or a vegetable, petting a cat, learning calculus, playing QuizUp (nz11 turned me on to this fabulous trivia pursuit!), and so forth (you get the idea). The past gradually recedes on its own. I think the persistent attempts to 'heal' it do more to keep the horror fresh in your mind than they do anything else. That's my opinion, anyway.

 

Alternatively, you can just commit to a year's sabbatical from such efforts to 'heal' and commit instead to something totally unrelated to the wish to heal the past, like becoming the world authority on swans. I can see wasting a whole life trying to heal something that might be better left alone. I know that in my quest to find out what has always been 'wrong' with me, I absorbed and believed a lot of now proven wrong psychological theories. I have some of the same core issues as you and I think that starting this year (and for however long I can do it) I will embrace the part of me that I have always thought was broken and see if that might be more helpful. It is worth a try.

 

Someone told me one time that it is possible that our parents would have treated any other person that had been born to them instead of ME the exact same way. So taking their treatment as meaning something about ME personally has always been wrong. The fault lies squarely with them so let them deal with what they have done. I know it is easier said than done but when you get involved in life, that stuff recedes into the background and creates in you an empathy for those who have suffered the same fate. A hard won empathy.

 

Be well and know I send you good thoughts!

[freespirit]

Tilly,

 

I'm so happy the swans came to visit. I find these things happen at times when I need them most. The other evening, I was out for a bike ride in my neighborhood. I wasn't in a great space at the time. I looked up and saw 4 fawns with their mothers. While deer are common here, I never cease to delight in seeing the babies. I came home in a much different space than when I left. What great gifts nature bestows.

 

Your posts have encouraged me to reflect on things. I want to respond...but would like to take more time to consider..including the thoughts that cymbalta has posted too--excellent food for thought. 

[Songbird]

Hi Tilly, I haven't been here much lately, it's good to see you here.  I understand about how you can reach an understanding about your issues psychologically but how it doesn't really heal it.  I'm no expert on healing modalities, but some people believe that this stuff can be stored in the body somehow (or perhaps in parts of the brain that are connected to the body or store body memories somehow).  One example is Jeannine Wiest and her 'cranial alchemy'.  I've also read about a technique called 'mBraining'.  I believe there are many other kinds.  I keep thinking I should look into some of these things to try to release my 'stuff', but so far I haven't done much other than a bit of reading.

[freespirit]

Tilly,

 

Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am for what your family did to you. I can understand first-hand the impact of such abuse and trauma.

 

Abuse by mothers is still somewhat a taboo subject, or so I found. When I tried to speak of what happened to me, many people defended my mother..or suggested that what I was remembering could not possibly have happened....or told me that I needed to forgive her. The reaction was very different from people than other abuse I talked about. I tend to believe that abuse by mothers has a more profound impact on daughters in certain respects, or it has been that way for me.

 

I think cymbalta poses some interesting thoughts and observations. I've tried to lean more towards focusing on building a life, doing things I enjoy, perhaps distracting more than I ever did in the past. But, I find that the impact of those childhood experiences rises up in a very physical and emotional way. I rarely ever think about my family, but the body memories come more often than I would like. I believe that's been more the case through WD. I suspect that the wild changes in the NS evoke similar experiences from the past..where I felt my body had betrayed me, or was the enemy, or where I knew similar terror. I know that not just trauma, but many other aspects of my childhood have come to the forefront in a way they haven't for decades. I don't find I can or want to turn away from them..it's where I use my qi gong or meditation, see the naturopath or chiropractor. I'm attempting to work with them more in a physical way, rather than talking about them. But that's me and what works right now. Your needs may be entirely different.

 

I have a worldview that one can heal from things, but not necessarily be cured. I don't expect these things will disappear for me, though I would not be disappointed to see them recede into the background! More, I anticipate times again where they will not be so predominant...where I can feel they don't rule so much of my daily life.

 

I've been tortured for the past 8 months around the theme of loneliness. Though there are real reasons in my daily life why I feel this, I suspect much of it comes from my childhood. There may also be an element of neuro-emotion that comes with it..though I'm not sure how I would know what portion each of these are. This is why I asked you if this part about your family is more intense right now. In one sense, I think the brain searches for reasons as to why we feel as horrible as we do..and it may settle on those things that are so predominant anyway. It fixates and tries to find a solution, as a way out of the suffering in general. I have a feeling that it is all so complex, that it's probably impossible to figure out..and I have mostly given up on that aspect.

 

I can't say how or why the horror I felt regarding my mother began to change, but it has. Some of it happened as a result of her death. Some of it happened after my wife died, and for the first time, I had some understanding of how she might have felt after my father died. I felt entirely insane after my wife's death and I didn't have 3 little kids to take care of. I'm not saying it's all been wrapped up in a big bow and put away, but that aspect does not haunt me as it once did.

 

Since I've lost so much weight, I look in the mirror sometimes and see aspects of my mother's face. It's sort of shocking, but it does not upset me. There are moments of remembering a few good memories with her..I feel less of a victim to her. I see her more as a person, and less as my mother. I've spent 60 years grieving what I never had...slowly, almost imperceptibly, it has changed.

 

I do agree with cymbalta that there's real benefit to turning towards what nourishes you or brings you joy, or opportunities for learning. And I very much support the necessity of embracing whatever we or others have rejected within us. Is there some part of you Tilly, that longs for your love and acceptance? I think therapy can have a tendency to keep us focused on what is wrong, and as cymbalta says, reinforce some belief of being broken. What does your heart long for?

[Tilly]

Firstly. Thank you and much love to all who responded to my most recent post. I value both your wisdom and care. Thank you so much. I send you all much love and healing for your own journeys.

 

Cymbalta - bless your heart. It is true. I cannot heal what is mine not to heal. The swans, coots, ducks and my cats breathe life into me daily and finally affirm, no I was not able to birth my own child, but my love for nature is pure, unrelentless and blessed. I love nature and it loves me right back. When I immerse myself in my heart's joy, nature, cycling and swimming, I feel no pain that can hurt me.

 

Songbird - thank you for your feedback. My body stores so much pain and trauma. I am aware of this and try to heal from this as best I can. But my trauma resurfaces at regular intervals causing pain to me and the one who loves me. I am working to heal this pain as best I can.

 

Freebird - I wish I could hug you. I have copied and pasted so many of your posts, non related to me as words of inspiration. I feel that you feel me and understand me better than most people I have known face to face. You are both an inspiration to me and a shining star. I so wish that you lived closer to me and we could meet often for a cuppa and chat. You are an amazing woman. I have much love for you in spite of the fact that we have never met.

 

I am not my mother, I am a loving, giving, nurturing woman who holds love for true human and animal connections close to my heart. I am a loving, loyal, giving being.

 

I am me. Lovingly, truly, loyally me.

 

Love to you, my dear friends.

 

Cat x

[Tilly]

Tilly,

 

Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am for what your family did to you. I can understand first-hand the impact of such abuse and trauma.

 

Abuse by mothers is still somewhat a taboo subject, or so I found. When I tried to speak of what happened to me, many people defended my mother..or suggested that what I was remembering could not possibly have happened....or told me that I needed to forgive her. The reaction was very different from people than other abuse I talked about. I tend to believe that abuse by mothers has a more profound impact on daughters in certain respects, or it has been that way for me.

 

I think cymbalta poses some interesting thoughts and observations. I've tried to lean more towards focusing on building a life, doing things I enjoy, perhaps distracting more than I ever did in the past. But, I find that the impact of those childhood experiences rises up in a very physical and emotional way. I rarely ever think about my family, but the body memories come more often than I would like. I believe that's been more the case through WD. I suspect that the wild changes in the NS evoke similar experiences from the past..where I felt my body had betrayed me, or was the enemy, or where I knew similar terror. I know that not just trauma, but many other aspects of my childhood have come to the forefront in a way they haven't for decades. I don't find I can or want to turn away from them..it's where I use my qi gong or meditation, see the naturopath or chiropractor. I'm attempting to work with them more in a physical way, rather than talking about them. But that's me and what works right now. Your needs may be entirely different.

 

I have a worldview that one can heal from things, but not necessarily be cured. I don't expect these things will disappear for me, though I would not be disappointed to see them recede into the background! More, I anticipate times again where they will not be so predominant...where I can feel they don't rule so much of my daily life.

 

I've been tortured for the past 8 months around the theme of loneliness. Though there are real reasons in my daily life why I feel this, I suspect much of it comes from my childhood. There may also be an element of neuro-emotion that comes with it..though I'm not sure how I would know what portion each of these are. This is why I asked you if this part about your family is more intense right now. In one sense, I think the brain searches for reasons as to why we feel as horrible as we do..and it may settle on those things that are so predominant anyway. It fixates and tries to find a solution, as a way out of the suffering in general. I have a feeling that it is all so complex, that it's probably impossible to figure out..and I have mostly given up on that aspect.

 

I can't say how or why the horror I felt regarding my mother began to change, but it has. Some of it happened as a result of her death. Some of it happened after my wife died, and for the first time, I had some understanding of how she might have felt after my father died. I felt entirely insane after my wife's death and I didn't have 3 little kids to take care of. I'm not saying it's all been wrapped up in a big bow and put away, but that aspect does not haunt me as it once did.

 

Since I've lost so much weight, I look in the mirror sometimes and see aspects of my mother's face. It's sort of shocking, but it does not upset me. There are moments of remembering a few good memories with her..I feel less of a victim to her. I see her more as a person, and less as my mother. I've spent 60 years grieving what I never had...slowly, almost imperceptibly, it has changed.

 

I do agree with cymbalta that there's real benefit to turning towards what nourishes you or brings you joy, or opportunities for learning. And I very much support the necessity of embracing whatever we or others have rejected within us. Is there some part of you Tilly, that longs for your love and acceptance? I think therapy can have a tendency to keep us focused on what is wrong, and as cymbalta says, reinforce some belief of being broken. What does your heart long for?

I wish I had words to answer your post. I have the emotions, but not yet the words. I send you so much love and healing, my love. When I overcome my agoraphobia, know that I will visit you in person. Until then. I love you and send you healing daily. You are in my thoughts daily. I wish you the best of everything. I will respond fully as soon as I am able. Until then, and every day, know that I love you for being you.

 

You are a shining star and source of inspiration to me.

 

Catxxx

[freespirit]

I am not my mother, I am a loving, giving, nurturing woman who holds love for true human and animal connections close to my heart. I am a loving, loyal, giving being.

 

I am me. Lovingly, truly, loyally me.

 

 

Yes...this is what I wanted to write to you, but it's always best when it comes from the inside.

 

I appreciate your kind words...I wish we lived closer too. I'm glad that something of what I've said has proved helpful to you. I hope we do get to meet one day.

 

Take care of your precious self. Sending love and deep healing to you.

[Tilly]

Update

 

Cymbalta, Songbird and Freespirit thank you so much for all of your support, especially in recent posts. They have provided me much comfort and food for thought which I have mulled over since my last post.

 

I have felt in recent months very much overwhelmed by my feelings. I am now coming to understand that I am overwhelmed by feeling anything as my feelings were suppressed and blunted by medications for 15 years. They are now rushing to the surface. Who wouldn't be overwhelmed by this?!

 

It is normal for a woman who has suffered prolonged abuse and trauma to feel intense emotions and be overwhelmed by them. At least I now feel my pain as opposed to have it surface at random from a drug induced state without me understanding why. I still struggle to deal with this pain and associated thoughts and feelings. However, I believe that this process can not be rushed and these feelings, as uncomfortable as they are are part of a process that has its own timeline and cannot be rushed. I just have to work with this process, accommodate it and self soothe and grow as best I can during this time.

 

*****TRIGGERING*****

 

Today is the 8th anniversary of me being raped. I feel sad. But not defeated. I am still here. He, and all of those who hurt me in this way tried to control me and crush my spirit. I am very much hurt by these assaults on my body and soul, but my spirit is still evident and continues to spur me on.

 

*****End of Triggering Post*****

 

I have plans. For the first time in years (as an agoraphobic), I have plans that I believe that I can keep. I plan to visit my local opticians in the next month to test my eyes and get a funky pair of frames for reading, cinema viewing and close work I will also register with a GP on the same day. How much faith I will have in that GP remains to be seen, but at least I will have access to treatment.

 

I called a local psychotherapist after much research. She seemed the best fit. I am on her waiting list, but my conversation with her was very disappointing. She was pretty cold, disinterested and disengaged. Maybe I will actively choose not to attend appointments with her. This, in itself is progress. If I am going to entrust the most personal details of my life with someone, they need to be as committed to my well-being and healing as I am.

 

I am not at all convinced that therapy will be where I find healing. I believe that I will find it in swimming once again, cycling, my love of nature and living the life that I was always meant to live. My GP squishes their face up at this suggestion. I squish my face up equally at the contemplation that drugs can even touch, let alone even begin to heal trauma and improve quality of life.

 

I do believe that being theraped to death or accessing therapy from inadequately trained or disengaged therapist can be more damaging than no therapy at all. I have received more valuable therapy from people here and from my cats and local wildlife than any counsellor has provided me thus far. My cats and adopted swans, ducks and coots never fail to show up for me when I am most in need.Time will tell on this one.

 

Anyway, this past month, I have redefined my wardrobe with beautiful vintage tops and dresses, a rash vest,  board shorts and a wet suit ready to go out and swim, dance and frolic again! My love of vintage clothing and swimming are two of my biggest definers so I thought this was a great place to start rebuilding me and the life that I should have been living whilst enduring the abyss of recent years.

 

I have rediscovered music in the past year. This may sound silly and insignificant, but is huge to me. I couldn't listen to music for many years as I associate music with times and memories. I did not want to sully any music with the pain of the past few years. I'm not sure if this makes sense? I cannot explain it any better than this currently.

 

I now also have a music collection! After many years of absence, the CD's on my shelf provide me with much joy. I even dance around the boat as I attempt to sing along!

 

I have also booked my first gig in many years. I have a dress and the will to go and enjoy this event that is stronger than my anxiety. I will be seeing Florence & The Machine. I have posted several of her songs on my post never believing that I would see her perform live. You never know what is around the corner...

 

Apparently, Florence (the lead singer) had a 'breakdown' last year. Such experiences, in my experience, only happen to the purest of hearts and strongest of spirits, so I will be in good company

 

I will post a song from her new CD below.

 

 

Much love, strength & hope to all as always.

 

xxx

[Tilly]

PS

 

I am on 2.9mg and have been on this dosage since May. I feel the need to hold for some time yet due to the impact of my feelings flooding back and the fact that my taper has not gone as slowly as I would have liked due to lack of access to a GP and the need to reduce my dose more quickly as a result.

 

I'm considering a 5% taper from October if I am feeling ok reducing by 5% on a bi monthly basis. Slower if symptoms increase. I am aware that the 2.5mg point onwards can be tricky on Escitalopram from reading here. Any feedback on this plan is welcome as is any supplementation that others have found helpful that I am not currently taking. Thank you.

[LoveandLight]

Brilliant progress, Tilly. It's great to hear. Well done