Marta: Intro

[Greatful]

  @Marta

Please hold on Marta........I know the thoughts of how can I go on----Will this be it for me---

Can I get better------Can you look back to your window and remember more rational thinking-

Please remember you did feel good and you can heal..........

 

I don't know if you have look at Baylissa's Fredericks  website https://baylissa.com/   

 

She has some very encouraging audio reflections and audio encouragement clips.  Also meditations and other helpful things.......Please take a look at if you haven't already and can find the energy to do so...........

You do remember that the inner shaking and outer shaking is a part of WD from these drugs.........All these things going on is your brain trying to get things right......So the muscle pain is part of the nerves that go to your muscles and they are being controlled by your brain that is trying to heal.  

The neuromuscular system includes all the muscles in the body and the nerves serving them. Every movement the body makes requires communication between the brain and the muscles. The nervous system provides the link between thoughts and actions by relaying messages from the brain to other parts of the body.  

 

These drugs have changed our natural homeostasis and now it's lost from the adaption that it changed to from the drugs.  So back to trying to find homeostasis again...... These drugs affect so much in our bodies......

 

Can you tell yourself, " I guess my brain needs to fix a few more things......It wasn't done yet"  You have come so far and your brain has done so much to repair itself, you have to be close to the finish line.....♥️

Remember all you have to do today is make it to your pillow.  You can tell yourself that I am now 1 day closer to being healed from this nightmare.........

I hope some members that have recovered will respond to your plea for encouragement.......Have you talked to happy2heal or any others?

 

Sending you a big hug🤗

 

[Marta]

@Grateful ❤️many thanks for the answer and the reminders of the brain.

 

Some days are so hard, my rationality is GONE today.... it's good that you reminded me.

 

I even called my mother in the middle of the night just to hear someone...

(Believe me, pre meds my peak discomfort was like crying shouting and maybe throw some books around and in half an hour I was better)

 

Now at these level of dread where I spyral.

 

Thanks for the good mindset "it's one day closer ...." 

 

I hope I can sleep tonight, still I don't know if i should risk a full dose of benzo or just half... I will see how the evening goes.

 

Hugs to you.And thank for your limitless kindness.

[Shep]

18 hours ago, Marta said:

2 nights zero sleep even with a triazolam 0.125 because of anxiety and much pain in an arm that came out of nowhere since days,this pain i think it's anxiety related but it's killing me.

 

 

I am shaking constantly from anxiety and I thought for the first time to kill myself. After all my effort to build a house and keep a job and a boyfriend. ...i am afraid... I don't know what to do anymore help please. 

 

Should i try again tonight with the triazolam? If yes 0.125 or 0.25?

 

Marta, when did you start taking triazolam? How long have you been taking it? 

 

Please update your signature to reflect your triazolam use.

 

Account Settings - Create or Update Your Signature

 

 

[Marta]

@Shep Thanks for the answer! I updated my signature. I took Triazolam very occasionally like 2 times in a year (yesterday one of these). I am always scared to fall in a trap and start using it. I really do not want to take anything but when I have these episodes of prolonged insomnia I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could cope with it better ....

[Shep]

11 hours ago, Marta said:

I took Triazolam very occasionally like 2 times in a year (yesterday one of these). I am always scared to fall in a trap and start using it. I really do not want to take anything but when I have these episodes of prolonged insomnia I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could cope with it better ....

 

You're wise to limit the benzo. You may want to get rid of them so you aren't tempted. It's VERY easy to develop a dependency on benzos, even with periodic use. 

 

For other ways of coping, please see:

 

Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

A sleep mask to block light, a bit of magnesium in the form of an epson salt bath, quiet activities such as working a jigsaw puzzle, gentle music, guided sleep mediations, etc. All of these things can calm your nervous system and help you get some sleep. 

 

On 3/18/2022 at 2:11 PM, Marta said:

High fever (no covid so far) can trigger strong wave?

 

I have currently 38.5°C ...I let the fever hit me for few hours now I took some paracetamol waiting to have some relief. So far tested negative for covid.

I feel also a mild vaginal infection (to complete the status).

 

Are you feeling any better from the fever? Did you take any medications for the fever or the infection? 

 

Do as much self care as you can. It's not unusual to get a bad wave due to getting sick from something else. 

[Marta]

@Shep Thanks for the answer!!! I try to be strong, it's hard. I am again not sleeping a single minute as I am 24h too much anxious, trembling and so awake that I never feel tired even. I developed suddenly also pins and needles (that I did not have since 2015) the moment I lay down that makes it a hell.

 

It's the forth night that this insomnia started. It's crazy ...i was sleeping 7/8 h per night quite easily till 4 days ago.

 

 

I am trying all the coping strategies but if this anxiety surge doesn't stop nothing works.

 

I also paid today one doctor consultation because he claimed in his website that he understand withdrawal. He just came in with a combination of trazodone + xanax. Sirens sweet chant ... But I didn't buy anything.

 

The fever is almost gone, it left this surge of anxiety, aches and nerve pain from this lack of sleep. A couple of days prior to the fever I took antihistamines for a skin rush. Could them be culprit?

 

For the aches I tried ibuprofen, well it doesn't even touch them.

 

I am really desperate. I can hold on maye a pair of days more but then it's too much I must take something again, I will write here. My boyfriend has at home a z-drug, maybe i could try once.

 

Please check on me from time to time.  

[Greatful]

@  @Marta

Hang in Marta♥️  I feel for you, the relentless anxiety can be so hard.....You know that you can do this......I am sure that you  are aware of melatonin? have you tried that? 

I am pulling for you♥️

[Marta]

@Gratefulthanks for caring about me ❤️ yes this restless high anxiety doesn't let me sleep. I will try melatonin again resisting benzo bit more,but I am already trembling at the idea of being in bed. I hope my brain shuts down at some point I am beyond exhausted.

 

I also think of you and all people that went into this crazy insomnia. 100hugs! 

[Shep]

18 hours ago, Marta said:

The fever is almost gone, it left this surge of anxiety, aches and nerve pain from this lack of sleep. A couple of days prior to the fever I took antihistamines for a skin rush. Could them be culprit?

 

Yes, the antihistamines may have affected you. Many of us are very sensitive to other medications after coming off psychiatric drugs.. What was the name of the antihistamine?  How did you feel after you took it? Did it make you sleepy or did it ramp up your symptoms? Did your insomnia start right away after taking the antihistamines? 

 

Sometimes guided meditations can help, like this one:

 

 

Guided Meditation for Detachment From Over-Thinking (Anxiety / OCD / Depression)

 

You can also find them in your native language. Try to find ones that help with over-thinking and anxiety. Those can be especially helpful to calm the mind down and help with sleep. 

 

 

[Marta]

@Shep again many thanks for the answer! The name of the medicine was desloratadine. I took it 12.3-16.3 anyway I wasn't already feeling so much fine since longer, so probably something would have come in any case. 

Anyway, yes, after I took it things were just getting worse and I got the fever too. This sudden insomnia started the 20.3 I have so much pain in my muscles as well.

 

I resisted the benzo but I slept just 3h last night. I am stuck in this anxiety, trembling, rocking back and forth and severe muscles aches limbo. No painkiller can touch the pain.

 

Thanks for the meditation link as well.

[Marta]

I had to take triazolam again last night but it worked just 5hours. So it's the third time that use it in this insomnia week. I don't have the opportunity to use it anymore it's already too much. I don't know even if i should kind of taper it??

 

I don't know what I will do. I try to relax in every possible way, my muscles have so much pain I just go for small walks, the way they hurt feels so disproportional compared to my activities.

[Tom37]

Try not to worry about not sleeping. You don’t want to go down the road of using a benzo too often. I know it’s difficult as been there myself but it won’t harm you. You would be surprised at how you can function on little sleep. Its not pleasant but you will be ok.

[Shep]

20 hours ago, Marta said:

This sudden insomnia started the 20.3 I have so much pain in my muscles as well.

 

Did the pain start before you stopped sleeping? Was pain a withdrawal symptom for you or is this a new symptom or illness? 

 

3 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Try not to worry about not sleeping. You don’t want to go down the road of using a benzo too often. I know it’s difficult as been there myself but it won’t harm you. You would be surprised at how you can function on little sleep. Its not pleasant but you will be ok.

 

Marta, Tom is giving very wise advise here. If you can get though this difficult phase without developing a benzo dependency problem, you'll be so much better off. 

[Moonpie]

@MartaI know not being able to sleep is the pits.  I cycle through this too.  To the point that I can't even take a nap during the day.  I 100% agree with @Tom37 . Even on just a few hours of sleep I can function.  As the days and weeks go on yes, I am exhausted and feel awful.  And the fatigue seems to cause anxiety and depression during that time. But I eventually cycle out into sleeping more, and ANY more is a treat and helpful even if it is a few hours!   I am finding that every time I go through a bad sleep cycle when I come out of it my sleep is a little better.  I see that the lack of sleep  sets up a chain of events much like a dog chasing its tail. We are told we need to sleep to heal. Sleep is an escape. Sleep makes us feel better. So when we don't get it like we feel we are supposed to, then we begin to have anxiety about not getting sleep.  At least that's been true for me. Then I began to obsess and panic about not sleeping which  I am sure makes what sleep I get worse and makes my day worse. When I realize this is just very uncomfortable and tiring and it will pass, I don't like it but work hard to not make it worse.  To accept it and go through this phase in my opinion is much better than adding another drug, which will  Is complicate  withdrawal, and possibly add another one to taper from.  When I refuse fearing not sleeping, I found while  it didn't go away but I didn't add to my suffering either.   Keep in mind this will pass and your sleep will improve  You can get through this and you will! Look how far you have already come! This is just another phase of your brain working to heal itself.  These are simply my opinions, and I remember the old saying, "Opinions are like armpits.  Everybody has a couple and they usually stink: LOL.  Hugs!

[Marta]

Many thanks for your messages, they mean so much for me! ❤️

 

22 hours ago, Shep said:

Did the pain start before you stopped sleeping? Was pain a withdrawal symptom for you or is this a new symptom or illness? 

The pain started short before the insomnia surge. This kind of pain is totally a new symptom. The firs big wave has been "based" on insomnia, total freeze in dp, anhedonia, depression,pssd but no too much pain.

On this second big one I am of course  in anguish and fear but, for example, I can feel a song that I like, or feel a hug... but the pain is huge. Legs muscles, arm nerve pins, inguinal region, hard to move a hand...in all weird places that I don't try to explain even. 

 

I agree with you and @Tom37I don't want to go down the road of benzos. I resisted also last night...I hope my strength of will holds.

 

@MoonpieI, so so much, feel all that you wrote. I also cannot nap during the day since the day I reached 0mg. On AD I was napping hours and hours, before the AD sporadically.

If I try, even on good days, I get an electric sensation in my body...not a single nap in 2 years. Anyway I would trade all the naps with the end of this phase. 

[Moonpie]

@Marta I am sorry are in so much pain. WD symptoms are so intense. I remember what @Altostrata Said, that this is not your garden variety anxiety. To me it is the symptoms on steroids. After I hit zero everything broke loose. It was horrific for many months. I had improvements  Along the way after several months. And I continue to see more.   I looked back over my journal the other day the last 2 or so months when I was tapering lexapro.( I tapered to point .001 and held that before jumping.)  And almost every day My journal entry was no anxiety everyday. There were no other symptoms.. I remember @Shep  Warning me that just  Because I reached 0 doesn't doesn't mean there is not more to go through. I has amazed me how strong the symptoms are. They have been even harder at times than while I was tapering.. But my body still had some of the drug in it then.  It will get better and you will get better, but I know how hard it is to go through this.   I work really hard at reminding myself  that all these horrible symptoms is my brain finally healing. Please give updates. I care

[Altostrata]

@Marta is it possible you had covid?

[Marta]

@AltostrataI did 3 tests 18.3 19.3 and 21.3 and they were negative. Should I do another one?

I read that in the Dr. Glenmullens synthoms list also "fever" is present. This fever was without sore throat (usually I get this) or nose flu or cough.

Many thanks for your answer.

[Altostrata]

19 hours ago, Marta said:

This fever was without sore throat (usually I get this)

 

Please explain what you mean. Do you often get fever?

 

High fever is not characteristic of protracted withdrawal syndrome -- you went off the drug in January 2020. It sounds like you might have some kind of infection.

[Marta]

@Altostratathanks for the answer.

 

I meant usually when I have fever (like once per year) I usually get the sore throat in winter.

 

 

Yes it could be I have some infections. However all the blood tests I did so far were ok. It was strange for me that it came with the anxiety, insonnia, lack of appetite, burning skin and all aches together.

 

I don't see any improvement at the moment. I hope I don't slip in some more long term health condition. I will update.

[almuPA]

Hello @Marta,

 

I am sorry that you are feeling si bad, this situation is so challenging.

I am sorry for the late answer. I have Covid at the moment, but tests came back negative until today(I have been feeling awful for 6 days already). I am just saying this because apparently, for some people, the colateral tests take a while to come back positive. It happenned to my sister back in January. Have you had a PCR?

Maybe is an infection, like Alto suggested. Are you able to go to the doctor?

 

I send you a big hug.

[Marta]

Update. Things are getting worse and worse. I have constant severe nerve pain, pins and needles in my arms, shoulders, armpits... it's hard to sleep few hours with this pain. My legs are stiff and I have spasm in my feet. Not to mention my total absence of appetite and the internal dread i live with. 

 

I try to live minute by minute. I didn't take any benzo anymore.

 

I don't know why i slip in this state at 2yrs off. And last year in a similar one at 1yr off. I had windows in between, that gave my hope I could recover. I don't know if now it's different, if I have some real medical problems or literally my nervous system is going mad again. I don't have a single day I could say I have been better since almost 3 weeks now.

[Greatful]

@Marta  My heart goes out to you.....I hope some mods or people that have had some relapse can help relieve your worries..........I can only hope that this will pass quickly-----I can't believe it would be anything else but your last bit of healing to do..........I do know that the" What happens to Your Brain" story talks  about pain and nerve recovery......I can imagine the thoughts going through you mind how could this be happening 2 years out.......Sadly I think most of us question how could this be happening......Such a hard thing to comprehend that a pill could causes so much disfunction in your body........But as the story goes, you can heal.....Reread this story and go on Baylissa's website for more encouragement..........I really don't have the knowledge to put a answer to your fears--------Here again it would be nice if you could get some encouragement from someone on here that has more knowledge........

 

Please know that your brain is doing the best that it can to get things right.

Keep reaching out and let us help you through this♥️

[Altostrata]

On 4/2/2022 at 12:48 AM, Marta said:

I didn't take any benzo anymore.

 

What do you mean?

[Marta]

@Altostrata thanks for checking.

 

Due to the protracted severe insomnia I took in the last 3 weeks triazolam for three times. It's not something I do regularly. The last time I took one pill was in June 2021. I really don't want to start to be dependent on some benzo, I just keep take 1mg melatonin but it's not so much help. I take magnesium too.

 

It's already hard to sleep for the anxiety and I developed (from zero) severe nerve pain (pins needles kind) in the arms since this wave started that makes everything even worse. 

 

Is it common to have this kind of aches? 

[Marta]

(as a side note I am not able to reinstate, I am abroad and it's not easy to have that prescription,I would have to wait to be back in my country... also I think that after 2 years is reckless, however I am surprised by the intensity and the time delay of this wave)

 

I also would like to ask a silly question: if in the past window before this wave I was doing okish, without the "offending" substance is it quite impossible to create new persistent damages, or? 

 

Thanks!

[Shep]

21 hours ago, Marta said:

I also would like to ask a silly question: if in the past window before this wave I was doing okish, without the "offending" substance is it quite impossible to create new persistent damages, or? 

 

By "new persistent damages," do you mean if taking a benzo a few times permanently damaged you or will cause you long term problems? Many (if not most) long time users of psychiatric drugs have histories of abrupt drug changes and kindling and we have quite a number of success stories so I wouldn't worry about permanent damage. It may take awhile for your mind / body to sort it out, but you wouldn't have resorted to a benzo if you weren't already dealing with a wave. I would look it at as the process of recovery and lessons learned. It would be best to get rid of the benzos and work on non-drug ways of coping with your symptoms. 

[Altostrata]

Are you on vacation? How did you obtain the triazolam?

[Marta]

@Altostrata @Shep 

November 2021 I moved in Austria with my boyfriend (he is Austrian), about 500km from my hometown in north Italy. I had to start a new job, I can barely speak german and we live far from his family too.

 

The triazolam was an old prescription from the GP from 3-months wave for Insomnia (june 2021). I took it twice. 

 

I am sorry if my last messages were confusing and whiny. I am NOT currently taking triazolam for the insonnia, I took 3 pills last month in the beginning of this wave (it even didn't help). I realized it's a bad idea to add problems to my situation, I use all the non-drug techniques.

 

 

What concerns me so much is that it's hard for me to navigate this long wave for additional new synthoms that sum to the usual ones. 

 

Usual: anxiety,dread,24/7 no appetite,insomnia,feelings of detachment, feeling like moving in a honey pool, occasional burning skin,gi problems, morning cortisol spike,mild akathisia (pacing).

 

New: pain in both arms (but not in the hands),pins and needles,stiff muscles in the legs,hard to walk the stairs,small periodic twitching of my lips, eyelid and one feet,feeling like I have an allergic reaction with no visible sign. Occasional tremors. I took a walk once and I felt like i ran a marathon in my legs. Also if I sit sll the day I feel like I run a marathon.

 

It's hard on me because I was going to the gym normally till 3 weeks ago and now I can barely walk. I made some blood tests and a fast gp check but everything was fine. I don't know if I should book a neurologist but it's all so strange. What terrifies me is that I feel every day exactly like the previous one, no windows. It's easy to spyral in the hipocondrya. I had last month a couple if days fever but not covid, but even before the fever I was already entering the wave-state.

 

Sorry for the long messages and thanks for your time.

[Shep]

On 3/18/2022 at 2:11 PM, Marta said:

High fever (no covid so far) can trigger strong wave?

 

I have currently 38.5°C ...I let the fever hit me for few hours now I took some paracetamol waiting to have some relief. So far tested negative for covid.

 

What type of Covid test did you take? Have you followed up with a test at a doctor's office? 

 

On 3/18/2022 at 7:24 PM, ChessieCat said:

If the high temperature continues and/or you get other worsening of any symptoms my suggestion would be to contact your doctor.

 

I agree with this suggestion, Marta. A high fever that doesn't go away is definitely a reason to get checked out. 

[Marta]

@Shep i took the tests on 3 different days in a pharmacy, both antigen and molecular each time all negative.

 

I know we are not doctors, I booked a visit at the GP to check. 

 

My question would just be if the synonyms are common in waves.

7 hours ago, Marta said:

New: pain in both arms (but not in the hands),pins and needles,stiff muscles in the legs,hard to walk the stairs,small periodic twitching of my lips, eyelid and one feet,feeling like I have an allergic reaction with no visible sign. Occasional tremors. I took a walk once and I felt like i ran a marathon

 

Thanks for the support! 

[Heath]

@Marta just to give you some support and ease your mind a little- the sore achy body is common with me as I taper. 
Even in my planned conservative taper I get the stiff  leg muscles and feeling Worn out. Just a week or so ago I was walking around like a 95 year old man. Lasted for a week as I am holding went away. 
And you mentioned after sitting then get up and legs feel worn out like running a marathon.  Your comment caught my attention. This also has been happening to me specifically during taper time sometimes. Definitely after first time was an alarm but when I saw it again and again in taper My thoughts calmed. 
For me this is definitely related to wd. 

Iam no dr this is just my experience. 
Agree If you are running a fever best to get it checked. 
Hang on!

[Marta]

@Heaththank you. In my logic all the physical symptoms can be a illness but then if you add a full blown Insomnia,nausea 24h,dread and terror and so on since they appeared together I think they are connected.

 

Sorry if I write too many messages here. Akathisia is growing now. I am pacing since hours. So i got the famous tardive akathisia at 2yrs off. I know that I went through a lot of stress from the moving but this is a permanent moving and a permanent job. I cannot lose it. 

Every damn morning I have the same pains,the same twitchings, the same state.

 

I start to lose the hope. I tell myself that akathisia is not permanent but 22days in it and I am beyond exhausted and the idea that it can go on months now is killing me.

 

Again sorry for the vent but I don't have other places to go. 

[Heath]

@Marta I get muscles tensing and releasing in my legs and but . Sometimes in my arms and tense neck. Didn’t know it was called akithisia. I can’t keep up with those names! I cannot image 22 days!  I think I had that for a couple weeks one time it was rough! 
 

I’m sure you know your big move could be a major player in this wave more so than the benzo you mentioned. that would be a major life change experience for me. It will calm down in time. 
Just know it will pass
 

[Altostrata]

Maybe not covid, but you might have a virus or another bug, @Marta.

[Shep]

Quote

6/2021 - 9/2021 WAVE (anxiety, severe insomnia, total loss of appetite, deep depression, internal restlessness, anhedonia)

 

Marta, I'm quoting this from your signature. Is what you're going through now similar to what you went through last year? Are any of your current symptoms new symptoms that you never had during your withdrawal journey?