Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

[Meimeiquest]

Yes, migraines was one of the "benign conditions." But if I'm showing that at 43, who will be changing my diapers when I'm 73? I just think so much research needs to be done, but who would pay for it, since pharma wouldn't want to know. Also, I haven't had even a cold since I started on antipsychotics in 2006. That's nice, but so not normal. Meimeiquest

[Barbarannamated]

Yes, migraines was one of the "benign conditions." But if I'm showing that at 43, who will be changing my diapers when I'm 73?

 

Questions i ask myself everyday, but I wonder if it will be more like 63 or younger. I think this generation of drugged adults is going to hit our society in a way that nobody dares talk about. Personally, i hope to be taken out completely rather than live a life with dementia. I've seen it up close and it can go on for years, a decade in some cases. I can't imagine a worse existence.

[Nikki]

Barb how are you? Haven't spoken to you in awhile......

 

Hugs,

Mrs. Alzheimer

[Barbarannamated]

I'm doing a bit better overall. I think the time change hit me unexpectedly hard, but trying to get out a bit on most days.

 

Thanks, Nikki.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm trying to fight the downturn of the past several weeks, but the mornings have become horrific again. It's not anxiety, but anger, rage and dread of life that I wake with. It had disappeared almost entirely in February and March. My sleep is also fractured with early morning wakenings.

 

This is so discouraging (and scary) after feeling relatively good for several weeks. It was my first window after nearly 2 years off of Pristiq.

 

Thanks for everyone's support. please accept my apologies for the negativity and anger in many of my posts.

[tezza]

Barb,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch! Are we in hell or what???

[Sparrow]

Sometimes I'd almost rather not have windows at all if they're just going to slam shut again...how's that for negativity?

 

I wish we could figure out what the "dread of life" thing is. I have it continuously; even on comparatively better days it never lifts completely.

 

Hangin' in there with ya--

 

Sparrow

[Barbarannamated]

Sometimes I'd almost rather not have windows at all if they're just going to slam shut again...how's that for negativity?

 

I wish we could figure out what the "dread of life" thing is. I have it continuously; even on comparatively better days it never lifts completely.

 

Thanks Sparrow and Tezza. I hesitate to post...feel like a broken record.

 

I've read the posts about windows and waves but until now didn't experience the crash of a wave because I had no significant windows. It's as if the window taunted me.

 

Since this is so pronounced upon awakening, I'm assuming it's again cortisol or blood sugar related. I'm dreaming again (or remembering) so that leaves me with a bad dream hangover.

 

Currently, it's the anger / rage that is scary. No obvious triggers but general family theme that is very easily triggered. Then I wonder how the hell I went for so many years not realizing how screwed up it was or how deeply it was effecting me.

 

Do we have a thread dedicated to rage or anger? I searched but found only references to it.

 

This is, by far, the most uncomfortable feeling to date. I used to be thought of as a pleasant, likeable person and now feel the need to hide in a cave.

[compsports]

 

Sometimes I'd almost rather not have windows at all if they're just going to slam shut again...how's that for negativity?

 

I wish we could figure out what the "dread of life" thing is. I have it continuously; even on comparatively better days it never lifts completely.

 

Thanks Sparrow and Tezza. I hesitate to post...feel like a broken record.

 

I've read the posts about windows and waves but until now didn't experience the crash of a wave because I had no significant windows. It's as if the window taunted me.

 

Since this is so pronounced upon awakening, I'm assuming it's again cortisol or blood sugar related. I'm dreaming again (or remembering) so that leaves me with a bad dream hangover.

 

Currently, it's the anger / rage that is scary. No obvious triggers but general family theme. Then I wonder how the hell I went for so many years not realizing how screwed up it was or how deeply it was effecting me.

 

Do we have a thread dedicated to rage or anger? I searched but found only references to it.

 

This is, by far, the most uncomfortable feeling to date. I used to be thought of as a pleasant, likeable person and now feel the need to hide in a cave.

 

Barb,

 

I understand about rage/anger as I experienced that right after going off of the meds. I remember going off on the cashier at a hotel gift shop because I felt some M&Ms were way overpriced. Like she could do anything about it. I was so embarrassed afterwards and ended up apologizing to her.

 

And I have definitely experienced it from being so tired.

 

"""Hugs"""

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, CS.

 

Your comment made me realize that it's the rage while not fully awake that makes it scary. Like a sleep walk state. Later in the day, I feel more self control.

[Karma]

Hi Barb

 

Sorry you are going through a rough patch. But I do think that the fact that you had a significant window is positive .

 

I feel like you are fighting what you are feeling and that is magnifying it - is that possible? I'm having anxiety about some things lately and I find when I get distracted by all the work I have to do that the anxiety disappears at least for the amount of time I'm distracted. That may not help you at all ... but I thought I'd throw it out there for you to consider.

 

Here is a Karma hug

 

Love ya

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Karma,

 

You are absolutely right. I have so few "natural distractors" in my life that each issue becomes bigger and magnified. I've dealt with having a small life for many years, but this is the most difficult time, by far. I have to actively search each day for something to keep my mind occupied and less focused on the negative events. I was doing well for awhile.

 

Thanks for your encouragement and hugs, Karma.

[basildev]

Hi Barb,

 

I'm thinking of you. It's almost like our nervous systems are playing with us - here's a window - and then it's yanked away without warning.

 

So soul destroying.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Basildev.

 

I've been talking to an old friend from back east who is also on disability and has no family of her own. I'm planning to go spend some time with her and hope to keep my momentum going. I think once I get there and among people, I'll be more motivated and less lonely.

 

I would usually be planning to go back to my hometown for a summer visit, but with the family stuff, I can't go there right now. A lot of my friends are in that area. This particular friend moved away last year.

 

I really appreciate everyone's support.

[Barbarannamated]

Not coping well with current wave plus stressors. Got message from sister saying that father is suicidal. I can't trust sister; she's always high as a kite. I know I can't do anything...he's chosen the path he's taken the famly down, but I still feel like i should do something to help. Very very sad.

 

Also, they think my mother-in-law is in end stages of cancer though getting out and about better than I am right now. I'm still hoping to get to visit friend in southeast, but now supposed to go to Vegas to see MIL. I haven't felt this weak in awhile. Was doing so much better back in February - March. Afraid to go to endocrinologist. Last visit he mentioned possibility of ECT. He feels it is safer than SSRIs and some other drugs for depression (similar to Healy). I won't do it.

 

Just too many stressors never dealt with over the years that are coming to a head now. Not sleeping well. How do people with constant sleep deprivation to it?? (rhetorical question)

 

I'll be ok. Need to get out of my situation and isolation. I think I'll do much better elsewhere with support.

 

Thanks everyone. You're a wonderful group of people.

[basildev]

Hi Barb,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.

 

That IS a lot to cope with. No wonder you're not sleeping.

 

Hugs to you

[Rhiannon]

Hey, Barb. Big hug.

[Rhiannon]

Sometimes I'd almost rather not have windows at all if they're just going to slam shut again...how's that for negativity?

 

I wish we could figure out what the "dread of life" thing is. I have it continuously; even on comparatively better days it never lifts completely.

 

Hangin' in there with ya--

 

Sparrow

 

I used to have that a LOT when I first started tapering. AWFUL. Now it's more "anxiety of life", it's lifted a lot. I think it will lift as your withdrawal syndrome resolves.

[flower]

Hang in there Barb..We are all in this together.. I keep up with everyone as though you are all family. Peace.

[tezza]

 

Sometimes I'd almost rather not have windows at all if they're just going to slam shut again...how's that for negativity?

 

I wish we could figure out what the "dread of life" thing is. I have it continuously; even on comparatively better days it never lifts completely.

 

Hangin' in there with ya--

 

Sparrow

 

I used to have that a LOT when I first started tapering. AWFUL. Now it's more "anxiety of life", it's lifted a lot. I think it will lift as your withdrawal syndrome resolves.

 

 

It has become more like this for me, too, 'anxiety of life', rather than the dread. I'd never formed that expression in my mind, Rhi is much better at describing these feelings than I.

 

Just know you're not alone, Barb. I hope we all keep improving, daily, whether we realize or not.

[Sparrow]

♫ "Lean On Me" ♫

[Jemima]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I love kitties.

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you, everyone, and kitties, too. . Your support means the world to me.

 

I apologize for going on about the family stuff. My whole perspective on that changed with withdrawal and, quite honestly, it scares me that what I'm seeing now is tweaked by w/d and that I'm going to eventually see a different perspective again. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but I question and doubt myself constantly.

[Meimeiquest]

Thank you for sharing your story, even tho it's so sad and maddening. I feel the same way...what is reality???

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you for sharing your story, even tho it's so sad and maddening. I feel the same way...what is reality???

 

Meimei,

 

Thank you for sharing that you also have this feeling. On one hand, I feel like I've woken from years of being in an altered state. But then I wonder if THIS is the altered state. I haven't heard others talk about this, but maybe it's more common than I think.

[Meimeiquest]

I saw a FB video making a collage/parody of the things strangers say to adoptive families. I would like to make one of the real-life things therapists have said to me over the years. I really don't know what the story of my life is.....but the last straw was with the last therapist when she abruptly told me that she thought I had never attached properly to my mother because she was a busy farm wife. Hello...I think she was a regular wife and mom, although she did have a big garden...maybe all my problems are due to gardening???

 

Then there was the dietician who consoled me that yes, it was hard to find time to figure out the right foods, measure them, etc. She told me that was why she didn't have children, taking care of her food needs took so much time. And I was paying her to teach me that lifestyle?

 

But I see here that many don't have far to look to see where their early traumas came from...and it breaks my heart. And it bothers me that I don't know the source of my problems.

[Barbarannamated]

But I see here that many don't have far to look to see where their early traumas came from...and it breaks my heart. And it bothers me that I don't know the source of my problems.

 

Meimei,

I'm sorry that you, too, have had negative experiences with therapists. I think we could have an interesting thread, a compilation of #&%$#@ said by therapists. IMO, it can range from downright stupid to very hurtful or harmful. Those comments stick with me for years.

 

I don't know why it took me 40+ years to recognize the root of the harmful family patterns. I saw the individual events before, but they are now falling into place and I can see how it's all playing out in my adult life. It began just before I began to taper Pristiq when I wrote a letter to my father, knowing that it was my last effort after many years of trying to fix the family problems. There was no therapist involved; I gave up on them long ago. The people here on the forum (including a few therapists) have helped me understand more than any therapist I paid. I don't know why this has happened at my age. It's extremely difficult, tormenting. I have to believe that we understand things when we're ready. Sounds corny, but I feel like it's all I have to hold on to at this point.

 

I went through a phase of reading self-help books years ago, none that really helped. More recently, I read parts of The Drama of the Gifted Child which offered a different perspective about mother-daughter relationships.

 

It's when I stopped trying and removed myself from the situation that it came into focus. And having the drug mask (one, at least) removed.

 

Hang in there.

 

EDIT TO ADD: I just read this about Alice Miller, author of Drama of Gifted Child:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)

 

Interesting overlap with Jeanne Safer, PhD, whose writings strike several chords with me.

http://www.jeannesaferphd.com/about/

[Karma]

Drive by Karma hug

[Rhiannon]

 

Thank you for sharing your story, even tho it's so sad and maddening. I feel the same way...what is reality???

 

Meimei,

 

Thank you for sharing that you also have this feeling. On one hand, I feel like I've woken from years of being in an altered state. But then I wonder if THIS is the altered state. I haven't heard others talk about this, but maybe it's more common than I think.

 

I definitely think about this, Barbara...Often. Thanks for putting it into words.

[Barbarannamated]

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story, even tho it's so sad and maddening. I feel the same way...what is reality???

 

Meimei,

Thank you for sharing that you also have this feeling. On one hand, I feel like I've woken from years of being in an altered state. But then I wonder if THIS is the altered state. I haven't heard others talk about this, but maybe it's more common than I think.

 

I definitely think about this, Barbara...Often. Thanks for putting it into words.

 

Rhi,

Thank YOU for saying that you understand my words! I'm thankful that I haven't been hit with many physical symptoms that others have, but - WOW! - the perceptual distortions are real mindbenders that when I try to put into words, sound... ummm....well, crazy

[Barbarannamated]

Trying not to let this wave take me too far under.. DP/DR is worst in awhile; very foggy, disconnected. Vision problems much worse and contributing to feeling of disorientation (vitreous detachment in history; allergies likely playing in). Feeling very fearful.

 

Hard to believe that just several weeks ago i felt near normal and am now huddled under the covers again. Havent given up on plan to travel to see friends in the southeast.

[Meimeiquest]

Really so sorry, Barb. I know you'll make a good choice about the vision...whatever a good choice is. When is your trip planned for?

I read in one of the success stories on Beyond Meds that she tried to be whatever she was as hard as she could. So pull up those blankets and have a good cry if you can. Better days will come...

[basildev]

double hug :)

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Meimei and Basildev.

 

I apologize for the misunderstanding regarding vision and feeling fearful. The vision issue is longstanding. I have Post vitreous detachment. The glob in back of eye is breaking down and interfering with my field if vision. Fairly common in people with nearsightedness (and LASIX). Not really dangerous but very aggravating. The fearfulness is unrelated but a strong feeling I'm experiencing right now.

[Nikki]

Barb maybe the vision issue is creating a fear.

 

Lasix is supposed to have a very high success and patient satisfaction rate. that's a good thing should you decided to go that route.

 

You are so much stronger than you realize. You are amazing.

 

Hugs Hugs and more Hugs

[Karma]

Trying not to let this wave take me too far under.. DP/DR is worst in awhile; very foggy, disconnected. Vision problems much worse and contributing to feeling of disorientation (vitreous detachment in history; allergies likely playing in). Feeling very fearful.

 

Hard to believe that just several weeks ago i felt near normal and am now huddled under the covers again. Havent given up on plan to travel to see friends in the southeast.

 

Hi Barb,

 

I know it is hard to believe that several weeks ago you felt nearly normal, but hold on to that ... you can feel that way again. The fearfulness will pass.

 

Karma