Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

January 6, 2013

Thanks Star and Alex. I'm sorry that you understand this nothingness, hopelessness, and, in my case, torment with the family stuff. Also, over the holidays my brother in law mentioned something about it being almost 20 years since I've been married. That makes it about 15 years that ive been trying to get unmarried but can't do it financially. When i first filed, he was making far less than me and there was a chance I'd have to pay palimony. To a Medical Doctor. How screwed is that? I can't imagine a judge would have awarded it, but i decided yo put it off. He got work, i lost my career and the rest is history ive recounted ad nauseum. We share nothing except loving the animals. We've never had a physical relationship.

I'm much worse, especially in the mornings. All i can think about is dying. I was a bit better when we visited his family, but still spent alot of time in bed.

I can't get my bad tooth pulled until i get medical clearance from my endocrinologist. Stupid that i listed polyendocrine failure on medical history for oral surgeon when ive never yet seen labwork to support it. Of course, i went to a DDS oral surgeon that understands the condition better than any MD ive talked to. Knows that hydrocortisone needs to be increased for surgery. But im not taking hc because it seemed to make my morning suicidal thoughts worse and ive never seen any labwork showing low cortisol and neither has my doctor. MD husband didn't have a clue why i needed medical clearance and thought i should go to my regular MD because they probably just want to check for anemia. He has not a clue otr any interest in the Addison's Disease that i supposedly have and need to be on hydrocortisone for life or i will die.

I'm so tired of this existence and i don't see it getting any better. Sorry to whine. My entire body hurts. Teeth. Neck is inflamed and stiff as a board. Back is killing. Dog got loose on Christmas Day and i chased him through neighborhood in cold.

I just don't know how long I'll make it. I'm getting much worse.

January 6, 2013

Barb, I'm sorry you're going through this horrible time. Try to hang in there. Maybe it will pass and get better. Could this be a wane with extenuating factors like the neck pain and tooth problem? I hope it passes. I hate to see you suffer like this. I know how hard it is. I know how it is to want to die and be suicidal. But it seems with us these things come and go during WD and after being off the med we were tapering. So maybe it will pass. Try to focus on that if you can't. Seems nothing is certain in this life, so maybe the worst parts and worst case scenarios are not certain either.

January 10, 2013

Barb, I'm sorry about the state of your family of origin. I say you've earned the right to do whatever you think is best for you, no explanation necessary. I don't know what this is, maybe it's telling your family members that it's too stressful being fearful of their calls. Ask them to only contact you via postal mail. I don't know exactly. But you get to do what's right for you right now, whatever that is.

BIG HUGS. I'm sad for you because you're a terrific person. HUGS AGAIN.

Alex

Thanks, Alex. I really appreciate that.

My father has decided that the solution to me refusing to talk to him by phone is to fly across the country and show up on my doorstep- again. He was going to bting sister, but family friend who knows situation intervened and advised not to. He and my mom did this last year about the same time and i refused to see them. I thought i might be able to talk and messaged him that i would see him ONLY IF he brought the documentation from his lawyers. I've heard so many different stories from him in past. He agreed, but i woke up churning with sick anxiety this morning. I can't do it. Even if i tell him that, he'll still show up and i will further cement my position as the 2nd bad daughter. (Gee...what's the common denominator here..?)

This is f**** CRAZY!!

January 11, 2013

Barb I want to help you so much. To find an answer.

You said you get anxiety from contact with your family. Is it better for you to see your dad and get things up and on the table for some possible healing and closure - or - not to go there at all?

We love you so much. Hold onto that

January 11, 2013

You said you get anxiety from contact with your family. Is it better for you to see your dad and get things up and on the table for some possible healing and closure - or - not to go there at all?

He's caught up in his web of lies, i don't think he knows what the truth is. This has been going on for at least 10 years (trying to talk). Each time i try and he either looks right thru me as if i said nothing or contradicts himself again, more fuel is thrown on the fire. He appears perfectly sane to people who don't interact with him on a deeper level.

I was tossing my cookies all nite last night, the anxiety is so fierce. I had given up on ever talking to him especially after my mother died last summer. She was my greatest concern. He brought it all back up when he called on Christmas Day saying we needed to talk about it. I don't know why the sudden urgency on his part.

This was my last correspondence with him earlier this week when he said he was coming out:

"Dad, I have tried repeatedly over many years to talk to you about plans. On August 2, 2010, i put several questions in writing and left the letter on the kitchen table. You acknowledged receiving it, but you never answered any of my very reasonable questions. You have told both me and Bob so many differing and contradictory things that i have given up on ever learning the truth. This has been EXTREMELY stressful to the point that i can't discuss it. My physical condition is weak. I cant even get a tooth pulled until i pass cardiac testing and other medical tests. I WILL NOT put myself thru additional stress over this situation. The urgency you are feeling now is what I've seen coming for many years and the reason i have persisted in trying to talk to you. Last year, i contacted the cousins, your accountants, social services in Johnstown, your doctors. They sympathized with my predicament, but knew nothing. I WILL NOT discuss anything unless you have current legal documentation of your plans and access to your lawyers and/or accountants. This is a difficult enough situation even in the best of circumstances. Love, B"

His response:

▶ Show quoted text

"I will be bringing with me copies of legal documents, etc., for you. Hopefully, they will answer any questions you have."

EDIT : I believe my sister's overdose and hospital stay just before Christmas is the trigger of this recent activity.

January 11, 2013

Thanks, Nikki. I truly appreciate your concern.

It all is painful beyond belief. It seems like death will be the only closure when people have no desire to change destructive behaviors.

My only solace is that my mother is at peace.

I apologize that this is so far off the meaning of this forum.

January 12, 2013

Please don't apologize. Your health is our concern, and your family situation is stressing you out.

Rule #1 Do what you need to do to ensure that you are at rest and peace and doing what you can to heal your body and mind.

Is there anyway you can get your father to understand that now is not a good time for you?

When you are feeling stronger, talk then....

Just want you to get better Barb....Lots of hugs

PS A suggestion, can you handle meditation cd's for healing. There are some by Deepok

Chopra and John Kabat-Zinn. Please look them up on Amazon.com.

Hugs

January 12, 2013

My father demands to talk when he's ready and refuses to talk when he's not, which is why the situation is as it is now. He flew out from Pennsylvania this morning. I asked him to not come to the house and so far he has obeyed my request. I spent yesterday and today in fetal position under the covers. Last year when he showed up uninvited, they came thru the horse gates and right up to the sliding glass door. We don't usually lock the doors.

He knows no boundaries. I hadn't seen this side of him before last year when i cut off ties with them.

January 12, 2013

Hi Barb,

I'm so sorry for the added stress you are experiencing from your family. If you were stronger you could set more definite boundaries, but unfortunately you are in a weakened state.

I don't know what the cost would be, but I'm wondering if you could hire an attorney to deal with all of this on your behalf. It would be sad, but you might be able to get a restraining order to keep your dad away.

I think of you every day and send you love, light, healing energy, strength and courage.

Love and light,

Karma

January 13, 2013

Mystery solved and this is the last i will speak of this topic..

Father showed up at my door this morning, unannounced, uninvited.

Informed us that his Will is a "Needs based trust" to be split between sister and self and any money out will have to be approved by powers that be on an as-needed basis. Long story short, until i divorce my husband, i will be hard pressed to prove any 'need'. In order to cut my husband out, he had to cut me out.

He also said that my sister is a drug addict, needs more help than me but we both must be on "needs based allowances" since i defaulted on a home loan so have shown no greater financial responsibility than her.

Then he asked if we wanted to go to lunch. I kicked him out and hope to never see him again.

Thing is, he seemed honestly convinced of his argument.

January 13, 2013

Gosh, I'm sorry Barb.

I can see my dad acting this way if he and I were in this situation. I think everyone is the hero in their own lives and feel pretty good about their decisions so long as they think their intentions are good. I doesn't sound like it matters to your dad that he inflicted tremendous, undue distress on you because he didn't mean for you to get stressed and his intention was to provide clarity about his will plans. He probably thought he was doing you a big favor, to come out to your residence to explain his decision.

Or who knows? I can't read minds.

I would understand feeling hurt and discouraged, certainly. At least the meeting means the end of that horrid anticipatory stress and anxiety.

HUGS

about me · January 13, 2013

He also said that my sister is a drug addict, needs more help than me but we both must be on "needs based allowances" since i defaulted on a home loan so have shown no greater financial responsibility than her.

Then he asked if we wanted to go to lunch. I kicked him out and hope to never see him again.

Thing is, he seemed honestly convinced of his argument.

Barb, I'm really sorry this happened. Your father is without a shred of sensitivity... best to stay well away from him.

Like you needed that.. YEOWW!!! To say he was hurtful is an understatement.

January 13, 2013

Barb,

I think there is some relief in this ... weren't you concerned that you did not want to be responsible for your sister and you did not want to be the executor of your father's will? It appears you are not the executor of your father's will ... maybe there is some relief in that.

Beyond that, I don't know what else to say ... your father has been very hurtful. Does he think that because your husband is a doctor that you don't have financial need or does he not like your husband and is being vengeful? It is just ugly. Hopefully, you are done with your father trying to manipulate you and your life.

I'm so very sorry.

Love and light,

Karma

January 14, 2013

Barb, I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Your father is ignorant but feels quite intelligent from what you've written. Those are the ones that it's best to not deal with at all.

I hope he's gone out of your life for good since his being in it causes you stress and that only causes more problem for you health wise.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are feeling better now.

January 14, 2013

Drive-by hug.

Sparrow

January 14, 2013

All of the above, but mostly vengeful because I shamed the family by not being at mother's funeral last summer just before hospitalized for cardiac stuff. Said i was healthy enough to be arguing with him. Essentially called me a liar.

Never liked husband or his work ethic (not without merit) and for years has been researching ways to cut him out. Although, his obituary in his will reads father of

"Barbara (Dr. Robert xxxx) my maiden name". Not "married to Dr. xxx". Strange. Likes to throw the title around when possible.

Made multiple effort to explain that sister has medical illness of "drug addiction" (differentiated from drug abuse..?) but doesn't get SSDI as i do for my physical injury and that's why she has needed his money all these years and in future. I think you get the picture.

Also, his Advance Directive is telling: absolutely no treatment to sustain life, not even antibiotics.

January 15, 2013

Copying Sparrow ... drive by Karma hug ...

January 15, 2013

I really hope things get better soon.

BIG HUGS

January 15, 2013

OHDEARGOD it's like a popup doll from hell.

January 16, 2013

Oh Barb. Did he come back again?

Sparrow

January 16, 2013

Yep. I had one relatively peaceful day, then he showed up at the back door again.

I said i wasnt going to discuss here. Sorry.

Looks like a restraining order is in order.

January 17, 2013

Barb....why do you feel that you don't know how long you will make it? Do you feel that the Addison's has taken over? Are you taking cortisone?

Mornings seem to be bad for most of us. You have had to endure WD and now your current medical condition. It's alot, you poor kid.

Is there something stimulating that can be prescribed? Or is the prednisone supposed to do that? Barb would morning sun help lift you a bit?

I think about you everyday. Please come back onto FB to give yourself a pleasant distraction.

It will be good for you...

Many hugs

Celeste

January 20, 2013

The worst several days in a very long time since my father showed up last weekend. Had 1 day of some acceptance/ closure that was like a window before he showed up again. I can't go on Facebook because my relatives and friends all know my father and defend him and his actions and it is too stressful. Or they don't talk to me at all.

I just wanted to apologize for my endless rantings here. There is no solution aside from time and distance and he will not respect that.

January 20, 2013

Don't apologize for ranting in your own journal. If it's distressing to you to hold it in then vent. Always vent when you need to. Especially if it's making you have bad days.

Can you get a restraining order against him? If you are having health issues and he keeps calling or showing up and upsetting you, then that is harassment and it should qualify, maybe even putting him into stalker category if it's persistent enough. Also, is there anything you can do to eliminate some of that contact, like change your phone number? Then he cannot contact you through the phone. Also, I would limit who you give it to after you change it making sure that nobody who gets it will give it to him. If they might, then just don't give it to them and even tell them why. See, he reminds me of my mother. She's won't respect boundaries unless you push her far far away with a really powerful throwing up of walls. In my case, I stopped answering my cell phone years ago because she would constantly call me. I put a lock on my door to keep her from coming up and bothering me and even told her not to do it. I had to do a lot of things like that to keep her at bay. She has learned boundaries for the most part now, but it was me who put them up and was very rigid in enforcing them. The more you can do to force him back, the better it will be. Just keep in mind that he sounds like the type that will have a flare up where he overacts or over reacts to your boundaries because he's not used to them or believes he is right in his actions therefore he will consider you rash, which is irrelevant, but he will probably be pushier and that's the time to just shut him out or shut him down entirely. Disconnect the doorbell, call the cops. Don't answer the door. Nail him on trespassing. Whatever you can to just keep throwing that wall up until he gets tired, bored or gives up.

January 20, 2013

Thanks Star. I know you understand from earlier posts about your mother.

This has put me and husband over the edge.

January 20, 2013

Yes Barb don't be afraid to let loose in your own post.

We want to hear from you....

January 20, 2013

Quick clarification re hydrocortisone comment on Acceptance thread... my doctor did not say "you will die if you don't take this.." but with diagnosis of Addison's, the treatment is lifetime and dose is to be increased for surgery or other times of stress to prevent Addisonian Crisis which can be fatal. Pre-op is ordered for glucocorticoid insufficiency (ICD 255).

I'm not confident in original diagnosis for various reasons that Karma and Skyler have been most patient in trying to help me work through.

January 21, 2013

Oh barb, I'm sorry. I understand now why this is so upsetting to you. I hope you find a solution and one that is easy on you rather than more pain and suffering. My thoughts are with you.

January 23, 2013

Still reeling from the family drama. The anxiety ramped up and, even though he's gone now, i feel hungover with severe depression.

I'm extremely sensitive to every perceived slight. Went to visit sister in law and her husband. Nice day. They were great, very supportive. Watched football.

SIL mentioned that they thought i was not on disability anymore, probably because i had been pretty good for awhile (2009-2010) and interviewing for jobs. Later when on way home, i got upset that they thought i was not on disability but not working or job hunting and also bitching about my sister not workng for years. It doesn't even compute in my mind to not work if physically able and not busy caring for kids or family. Do people think i sit around eating bonbons..?? I wrote them a message explaining my situation with disability. I think it was non offensive. I wasn't angry, but baffled, and i care what they think of me. I feel so misunderstood, like nobody knows what I'm about or why ive been struggling for years.

January 23, 2013

Hey Barb,

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately! I do check in to see how everyone is doing. I feel like I'm up and down and round and round (if that makes sense). Anyway, I'm sure your SIL knows what a wonderful person you truly are. Everyone here loves you a bunch!!!

I'm glad you got out and enjoyed it.

Love you dear friend

T

January 24, 2013

Drive by Karma hug

January 24, 2013

Still reeling from the family drama. The anxiety ramped up and, even though he's gone now, i feel hungover with severe depression.

I'm extremely sensitive to every perceived slight. Went to visit sister in law and her husband. Nice day. They were great, very supportive. Watched football.

SIL mentioned that they thought i was not on disability anymore, probably because i had been pretty good for awhile (2009-2010) and interviewing for jobs. Later when on way home, i got upset that they thought i was not on disability but not working or job hunting and also bitching about my sister not workng for years. It doesn't even compute in my mind to not work if physically able and not busy caring for kids or family. Do people think i sit around eating bonbons..?? I wrote them a message explaining my situation with disability. I think it was non offensive. I wasn't angry, but baffled, and i care what they think of me. I feel so misunderstood, like nobody knows what I'm about or why ive been struggling for years.

Oh sweet barb, I went through the same thing for years. People have this ignorant mindset where if they don't see you suffering in a way that computes to unable to work then they expect you to be working and functioning like they are. Sometimes I wonder if they are jealous. Sometimes I think they are just insensitive idiots that have zero capability to fathom anything they have not experienced.

From my own experience, which might be helpful to you since you seem to have a little bit of this coming up now, there was a need for me to justify and I would feel very defensive and then there would be self-loathing and feeling like a loser and then being angry that my life was the way it was while others could just be normal and not have all this crap to deal with since I never wanted THIS way of living, with all the health issues, living with my mom and having none of the things I wanted. So it is a loss. And in our society it's also looked down upon. But when you call someone on it (which I have done many, many times), they shut up or say they didn't mean you, but only because they've been caught being ignorant. And that ignorance makes it much harder on us, because it was ingrained in us practically from birth to be productive and all sorts of other nonsense. There's something very messed up with that. A culture of produce, produce or you are unworthy. Well, we have a different path in life. It's to heal and to care for ourselves. Not everyone is made the same or we wouldn't have this forum.

Something I learned that might be helpful to you is that my external world mirrors my internal world. When something happens in my life it often means that something is going on within me that I need to recognize. I don't understand how it works that it translates that way, but it has always been the case when I've examined what's going on in me. In the case of not being able to work and coming across situations like you did, it always turned out that I felt inadequate because I wasn't working. I felt self-loathing at times. I felt loss that I couldn't work. I felt like a loser at times. I felt very down on myself even though I understood I was sick. Sometimes I think it was because I wasn't at death's door that I felt guilt because that's what we're trained to think. It's a cultural and societal thing. And it's instilled in us so there are a lot of negative feelings we can or may have about ourselves over this despite how well we understand that we cannot and should not work due to our health. I had to make a new 'rule book' to get through it. Basically, it was 'those rules that the rest of the world runs by do not apply to me because I am someone they did not account for when they made their rules. I am unique and need more taking care of me and less stress is part of what I need to live. That they have not accounted for that and for all the people like me is a failure on their part - their inability to conceive that the world is not made of one size fits all people.' I had to accept myself as the unique individual I am that needed no excuses for being how and who I am before I could heal that pervasive sense of loss and feeling like I didn't belong and was unworthy because of it.

I hope that helps you. And I am sorry you are still stressed from the family situation. You're in my thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.

January 26, 2013

Barb,

How are things going for you lately? Physically and emotionally, I guess. I know your dad/family situation was very triggering but I'd love an overall update.

Noticed you're posting a bit today, like me. Feeling better? I hope so.

love ya

Alex

January 27, 2013

Oh Barb. You haven't said this here ( at least I don't think) but I'm going to say it because I myself have felt it about my own lousy, father ....don't you wish the guy would just kick the bucket and get it over with? I know... harsh

If this is a statement from our forum yoda applies to your situation ( it did for me) :

I doesn't sound like it matters to your dad that he inflicted tremendous, undue distress on you because he didn't mean for you to get stressed and his intention was to provide clarity about his will plans.

and the man is either an unhappy soul..... or just plain stupid or both ( my Dad was unhappy and brilliant... but stupid in so, so many ways ... ) and he is leaving a trail of organic waste perhaps things would be better without him. If you secretly wish for that don't beat yourself up over it.

My Dad left my Mom and us for another woman. He was highly successful, so was his second wife. He tried to stay connected but didn't know how and anything he tried in that direction failed miserably. He wound up miserable. I had gone on with my life and gotten very used to not having him in it. In his later years he would call, drunk or drinking, talk and just before the end of the convo. ask "And how is your mother"? !!!! Fu@k YOU DAD!!!!!! My mother is doing just fine no thanks to you and how are YOU??? You, after leaving us for a life of "aristocratic" professional victory, recognition and semi - fame can't you at last be fricking HAPPY????? We gave up a LOT for you to be happy!!! What the hell happened?

And he died a horrible death. Stroke to the pons area of the brain, had "locked in syndrome" , this a man whose entire career revolved around communication ( speech communication and Theatre ) laying in bed, immoveble but aware of everything around him. The saddest, most gut wrenching experience I've ever had so far. Yes. life was easier without him after the divorce and quite honestly easier after he passed , but that 2 weeks was unbelievably sad but starkly uplifting at the same time. It was so ironic that I felt his fatherly love like no other time in my life from when he was immobile in a hospital bed with only body ( facial ) language, a code of "yes" and "no" with eye blinks and few hand squeezes.

Still make s me mad and I'm literally mad at your Dad for making you go through this Barb. You don't deserve it. Nobody does. And I'm not suggesting you "wish he were dead" because , after all, he is your father but if it has crossed you r mind... don't you dare let that be one ounce of anything that is kicking you while you're down if it is.

I truly feel sorry for daughter's (or sons for that matter) of Dad's who have no clue how to be a Dad. Ironically, after having been through it myself I also on some level feel even more sorry for the Dad's. They are missing so much. My own father realized that at the end..... and that was very, very hard to go through.

Hang in there Barb and I concur with all others who suggest keeping him away from you. I had to do the same thing because he would pop up like whack-a mole ... and I'll admit... I wished he were dead.... for all of our sakes.

RU

January 27, 2013

Thanks everyone.

RU.. yes to the feelings you describe and it's absolutely tormenting. The extent of his manipulation and attempts to control with money (read: bribery) became crystal clear on his last popup visit. I actually expressed this horrible feeling when it first struck me earlier in withdrawal:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1294-toxic-family/

Thank you for sharing your own experience. It's hard to admit and come to terms with these feelings.

I'm about the same physically, although the family drama sucked the little energy i had right outa me.

I'm going to keep this brief because the more i talk about myself, the more i think and trigger everything.

Hugs to all.

B

January 29, 2013

Really rough day. I'm so damn alone and scared. Not sure at this point which is the more toxic situation for me - to be near family/father/sister or in same tiny house with husband and barely speaking.

I know I'll feel better later in the day, but most mornings and afternoon are hell of emptiness. I admire Starlitegirl and others' ability to accept life like this, but it's maddening to me.

Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

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