Barbarannamated: pain<-->depression...chicken<-->egg

[Skyler]

My doc did NOT paint a gloom and doom picture for me. My sense is that we caught this early and can slow it. Dementia is very strong in my family.

 

I am the first one to find the underlying autoimmune process going on. My mother had fluctuating cognition for many years. She had autoimmune markers, but no doctors put the picture together.

 

Hey Barb, you sure did find the underlying process. Wow... I'll respond more tomorrow. I'm reading and rereading the above and what you sent to me earlier. A lot to absorb.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm not at all surprised by the findings on MRI considering the collective effect of the endocrine system plus (auto)immunity on the brain. The brain is delicate and easily effected by toxins, viruses, bloodflow, drugs, etc. The line between psychiatry and neurology is very blurry with psychiatry creating significant neurologic conditions, IMHO.

 

My genetic profile made me more susceptible.

 

I believe in neuroplasticity and neurogenesis so am not overly distraught by these findings.

[Barbarannamated]

Found this lay article on WHITE MATTER DISEASE very interesting. The damage shown on my MRI was in the white matter as opposed to gray matter (neurons). This has been my biggest problem. My memory seems to be intact, but the sequencing of tasks is very difficult.

 

WHITE MATTER DISEASE TAKES AWAY ABILITY TO MAKE DECISIONS

http://www.voiceoffreedom.com/archives/health/brain/whitematterdisease.html

 

*For anyone unfamiliar with my story, I have several autoimmune disorders and recent MRI showing damage to white matter likely due to autoantibodies attacking my brain.

[Nikki]

Barb...

 

I wish I could offer a simple solution. With all the info you have acquired can you piece together treatments or supplements which may help alter this?

 

I saw an MRI of the brain after a patient as given Gingko and you could see the capillaries open with increased blood flow. Can you go to a health food store or google supplements that can aid your situation? What about Fish Oil?

 

You are truly a amazing woman. I will be sending you healing prayers.

 

Hug and more Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

I sent a message to my father, 2 close cousins and a few other close friends about the MRI results and a little info. I got very supportive replies from most people. However, not a word from my family. I shouldn't be surprised... I know it's an odd thing to respond to, but Nothing, not a word in 5 days.

 

Im so thankful for all of you.

[tezza]

Hey Barb,

 

That's sad...I had two cousins I was close to, too, and I'd probably get the same. I'm so grateful for my "family" here! I feel much more connected to the people here than the people I "used to think I knew".

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Karma]

Hi Barb,

 

I think your news challenges their belief system that "Barb is just depressed and she just needs to snap out of it." Isn't that how most people want to deal with us? I've actually had my husband say to me, "you just need to snap out of it," like that is reasonably possible. Gee, why didn't I think of that ... so much less stress by 'just snapping out of it.' I'll get right on that!

 

They don't get it. But I will say that my dear hubby is very supportive for someone who doesn't entirely get it.

 

We are here for you. We get it.

 

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Yes, im certain you are right, Karma. Also, there's nothing like "The MRI showed brain damage" to stop people in their tracks. A few friends replied with versions of "I don't know what to say.." and that's a perfect response. My family and hubby's family didnt respond at all. Husband just asked his mom if they received message. They did but said they didnt know how to respond.

 

Thanks, everyone.

[Karma]

I think that responding with "I don't know what to say," is perfectly fine ... followed by "you have all our love and support." Guess I need to tell your family that.

 

Karma

[alexjuice]

Barb,

 

I'm so sorry to hear of this all. I think you've been doing a brave and amazing job of stepping one foot at a time while absorbing a lot of really traumatic health news.

 

I think that you are an inspiring human being. I'm really glad you're here. You hang in there. The sun will rise again.

 

HUGS

[Barbarannamated]

Husband just asked for my signature on tax form. Beside my name, it had "Housewife" listed as occupation.

 

Did. Not. Go. Over. Well.

[Skyler]

Husband just asked for my signature on tax form. Beside my name, it had "Housewife" listed as occupation.

 

Did. Not. Go. Over. Well.

 

GRRRRRRR!

[Skyler]

I reposted this here for obvious reasons.

The worst I did was throw a ham sandwich at my mother. With mustard. I have very good aim when angry. I should have thrown more ham sandwiches and stayed off drugs.

 

Maybe you should consider same for hubby?

[Barbarannamated]

I need several pigs.

 

Flying Ham Sandwich Story, post in Toxic Family, April 2

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1294-toxic-family/page__st__40

 

Reading of The Flying Ham Sandwich again I realized that a tremendous positive influence on me was a soap opera actress I was a fan of in my teens.

(I know... Red Flag that I was watching soap operas in my teens)

 

I wrote a fan letter... she replied with a little note. I eventually met her at a fan club gathering in NYC and she invited me to her taping the next day. I spent time with her in the city off and on thru college and after. She was the first person who helped me feel valued beyond my academic accomplishments. She's still in the business but mostly teaches in New Orleans. Ive been in touch with her over the weekend and found myself wondering where I might have been had I not had her encouragement in those critical years. It started as a star struck teenager thing and grew into a deep friendship.

 

She's an artist in every sense of the word and helped me understand that emotions are natural (and valuable to an actor). In college, I remember feeling alone and she told me that sometimes we're meant to be alone for a time to understand ourselves better.

 

That said, I know she was on Prozac after Katrina.. I wonder how many sensitive actors have ends up killing their talent and ability to tap into emotions by use of antidepressants..

 

Just reflecting..

[xDebbiejo]

Hi Barb

 

Just thought I'd drop by and see how you are:)

 

Hope you're ok , I miss your posts

 

Sending love, hugs and healing

 

Debbie x

[tezza]

I miss you too, Barb.

 

Are you okay?

 

Hugs and love

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Debbiejo and Tezza.

 

Nothing really new. I have labwork due with endocrinologist. Still trying to find neuroimmunologist to consult with, but no luck so far. Sometimes I think about everything and get very upset and angry. Other times, I can't muster the energy to care. I'm in the apathetic mode right now. It varies throughout the day, very regularly.

 

Thanks for checking in.

 

Continued healing to both of you.

 

Hugs.

B

[Nikki]

Hi Barb....when I don't come on this site, I see your posts on FB

 

You are still having lab work done, so your doctor is still looking for answers which is a good thing.

 

Are you still very tired? Barb will your adrenals reverse themselves in time. My understanding is that they do....

 

Hugs and more Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

Are you still very tired? Barb will your adrenals reverse themselves in time. My understanding is that they do....

 

Nikki,

 

My doctor believes it's the autoimmune component /autoantibodies that are causing the white matter/brain damage that showed on MRI. So, I'm changing gears a bit as I learn THEATRE it's an immune system problem that has caused the multi-system problem (brain, thyroid, adrenals, liver, etc). To my knowledge, the damage cannot be reversed and hormones are used to replace those not being produced naturally.

 

There is no cure for autoimmunity. Treatment is aimed at slowing the progression and attack by auto-antibodies using immunosuppressants.

 

The structural damage of the brain white matter is not reversible and is progressive because it is due to autoantibodies, so slowing it is my primary goal. It's a very new field, mostly research, and the only treatments are immunosuppressive drugs (steroids).

 

I don't know if it's just coincidence that the hormone used to replace adrenal hormone (hydrocortisone) is also the drug used as immunosuppressant or if those two effects are related.

 

My physical energy is a bit better. It's been VERY eye opening to learn of the mental effects caused by structural changes in the brain - severe apathy, *altered state* (may be sundowning), and depression. Hallucinations are not uncommon, though I havent had. I suspect the "Alice in Wonderland" type events I had back in June were part of this.

 

Sorting through labwork from past, it appears that autoimmunity first appeared with a lupus positive titre in mid 1990s, possibly triggered by Zoloft. Neurological lupus.

 

Scary but fascinating.

[Karma]

Love ya, Barb

 

My understanding is that hydrocortisone is used to replace cortisol that the adrenals can no longer produce - it is used in a physiological dosage to replace what is missing. As I understand it cortisol is used in the body to usher thyroid into the cells among other very important things cortisol does in the system. What I've seen is that in some cases supplementing hydrocortisone for a period of time allows the adrenals to heal and recover so that the hydrocortisone can be removed and the adrenals can function normally.

 

I think that when they use steroids as immunosuppresants they use pharmacological dosages that are much greater than physiological doses. That would have a different effect in the system than simply replacing what is missing.

 

FWIW

Karma

[Barbarannamated]

Love ya, Barb

 

My understanding is that hydrocortisone is used to replace cortisol that the adrenals can no longer produce - it is used in a physiological dosage to replace what is missing. As I understand it cortisol is used in the body to usher thyroid into the cells among other very important things cortisol does in the system. What I've seen is that in some cases supplementing hydrocortisone for a period of time allows the adrenals to heal and recover so that the hydrocortisone can be removed and the adrenals can function normally.

 

I think that when they use steroids as immunosuppresants they use pharmacological dosages that are much greater than physiological doses. That would have a different effect in the system than simply replacing what is missing.

FWIW

 

Thank you, Karma. Your knowledge is always valuable and appreciated.

 

I have so much to learn and the autoimmune factor confounds everything. My understanding is that with Addison's autoimmune adrenal failure, I will have to be on cortisone for life and to withdraw it could be fatal (Addisonian Crisis). Possibly because the antibodies continue to destroy the adrenals..? I will be sure to check into the adrenal forum you suggested awhile back. I think I can think my way through registering, so that's a positive.

 

I definitely have to get an autoimmune specialist on my case. Someone I know is being treated at Cleveland Clinic for a severe AI disease (pulmonary) and is on very high dose prednisone for immunosuppression, which is in line with what you are saying.

 

It sounds like the autoimmune process is not being addressed in my case. Disturbing.

[Rhiannon]

Barb, just want to say, thinking of you...

 

I wish I had something helpful to offer you. All I can give you is my love and appreciation and respect. I'm so glad you're here.

[Nikki]

And here I am today complaining about my lot-in-life. You don't complain, you just keep researching...Bless your heart.

 

It is difficult to understand and I do read your posts and Karma's twice.

 

I don't understand the zoloft part. Can zoloft cause Lupus?

 

Barb you are a very strong woman. I greatly admire that.

 

I am keeping you in my prayers.

 

Lots of Love

[areyouthere]

Thinking about and for you Barb...positive thoughts and vibes sent your way.

[Barbarannamated]

Karma, Rhi, Nikki, Areyouthere...thank you!

 

Not drug or even health - related, but wanted to note that I got SO EXCITED about Meistersinger being awarded SSDI yesterday - *with the ability to have income above his monthly payment. Of course, I'm genuinely happy for you, Meistersinger, because you've been through so much and deserve it.

 

However, my reaction was so over-the-top that I stopped to ponder. Being on disability (forced onto LTD from STD by employer, still think there was something not legit) since age 39 has altered my life in every negative way imaginable. My income went from near 6 figures to a third of that. My ability to take care of myself financially and keep my family ~ my horses ~ was gone. I was separated, had filed for divorce, when I lost my job. I went back, purely for financial reasons (no family or people to live with aside from family in horrid hometown). I interviewed for many jobs when i was feeling better. The ones I was offered paid less than my SSDI. I passed. My past employer got word that I was interviewing and sent a warning letter to me that if I earn ANY MONEY, my benefits will be terminated immediately (including health insurance for self and husband). I cannot explain the hopeless bind I have been in over the last 11 years. All of the productive work years lost, retirement funding ceased at age 39, i was living on a fraction of what i earned previously, vacations became a thing of the past aside from visiting family (NOT a vacation).

 

*I was prevented from bettering my life in a legal way unless I gambled to give up what I had left first. That SUCKS. I'm not a gambler.

 

The fact that Social Security allows extra earned income of $1000/month plus unlimited "unearned income" sounds like a windfall to me! (I believe there is a ceiling of approx $60k if i read right and that would be a hefty raise for me) Just the thought of that possibility was exciting. I've had ideas of products to develop, but understood that that income would jeopardize my benefits even if the work was done by someone else. I can't describe how f*** TRAPPED I've felt over the years!! To be blocked from bringing in money, even by selling a product *that does not require my disabled body to function* is torture. It says to me "this is your lot in life. It is a huge step down from where you were and the nice things you had because you worked for them, but this is what you get. It is enough to exist on so be thankful, but if you ever want more again, you will have to agree in writing to give this up completely FIRST, NO GOING BACK, and pray that Door #2 works out."

 

I don't know if my private disability is like SSDI and has a similar allowance for "unearned income", but, if only for a moment, that news gave me hope that there's something, some WAY, for me to improve this miserable lot in life. SSDI is run FAR BETTER with Return to Work and Working While Disabled programs to keep people incented and with hope.

 

This post started on a positive note but the anger I've lived with for so long took over. I feel like erasing this whole post, but I'll leave it. It's alot of why I carry so much anger and have a "f*** it" attitude. I've tried and tried to live life by the rules. Always the f**** good girl.

[Barbarannamated]

EDIT to above: i should have mentioned the psychology of being "disabled" and out of work for years. It eats away at the self confidence and self perception so that one is fighting not only the physical challenges, but also the headgames. Worse than starting over again, it's starting over again with a black mark and a huge gap on the resume.

That is why I feel so strongly about 'staying in the game' to some degree as is allowed by Social Security Disability.

[meistersinger]

Karma, Rhi, Nikki, Areyouthere...thank you!

 

Not drug or even health - related, but wanted to note that I got SO EXCITED about Meistersinger being awarded SSDI yesterday - *with the ability to have income above his monthly payment. Of course, I'm genuinely happy for you, Meistersinger, because you've been through so much and deserve it.

 

However, my reaction was so over-the-top that I stopped to ponder. Being on disability (forced onto LTD from STD by employer, still think there was something not legit) since age 39 has altered my life in every negative way imaginable. My income went from near 6 figures to a third of that. My ability to take care of myself financially and keep my family ~ my horses ~ was gone. I was separated, had filed for divorce, when I lost my job. I went back, purely for financial reasons (no family or people to live with aside from family in horrid hometown). I interviewed for many jobs when i was feeling better. The ones I was offered paid less than my SSDI. I passed. My past employer got word that I was interviewing and sent a warning letter to me that if I earn ANY MONEY, my benefits will be terminated immediately (including health insurance for self and husband). I cannot explain the hopeless bind I have been in over the last 11 years. All of the productive work years lost, retirement funding ceased at age 39, i was living on a fraction of what i earned previously, vacations became a thing of the past aside from visiting family (NOT a vacation).

 

*I was prevented from bettering my life in a legal way unless I gambled to give up what I had left first. That SUCKS. I'm not a gambler.

 

The fact that Social Security allows extra earned income of $1000/month plus unlimited "unearned income" sounds like a windfall to me! (I believe there is a ceiling of approx $60k if i read right and that would be a hefty raise for me) Just the thought of that possibility was exciting. I've had ideas of products to develop, but understood that that income would jeopardize my benefits even if the work was done by someone else. I can't describe how f*** TRAPPED I've felt over the years!! To be blocked from bringing in money, even by selling a product *that does not require my disabled body to function* is torture. It says to me "this is your lot in life. It is a huge step down from where you were and the nice things you had because you worked for them, but this is what you get. It is enough to exist on so be thankful, but if you ever want more again, you will have to agree in writing to give this up completely FIRST, NO GOING BACK, and pray that Door #2 works out."

 

I don't know if my private disability is like SSDI and has a similar allowance for "unearned income", but, if only for a moment, that news gave me hope that there's something, some WAY, for me to improve this miserable lot in life. SSDI is run FAR BETTER with Return to Work and Working While Disabled programs to keep people incented and with hope.

 

This post started on a positive note but the anger I've lived with for so long took over. I feel like erasing this whole post, but I'll leave it. It's alot of why I carry so much anger and have a "f*** it" attitude. I've tried and tried to live life by the rules. Always the f**** good girl.

 

Barb, this is probably why you need an attorney nowadays when looking for a job. Nowadays, there is such vagaries in job contracts that you need an attorney versed in labor law to interpret what is in the contract. If there's a labor law attorney you trust, such as a former music director at my church, who's husband just happens to be versed in labor law, and sued the congregation for labor law violations when they showed her, and by extension, her brother, who is an even better organist than she was, the door, I'd ask him or her to review those original documents to see if there is a loophole in that contract.

 

The other issue I had is, that even if I tried to apply for any kind of work, you are referred to the prospective employer's website to apply for a position that may or may not exist. For, example, I stopped at Sheetz the other night to get gas. After I paid for the gas I pumped, a teenager about 18 or 19 come in the store and asked if they were hiring. He was told go to our website and apply. The expression on this guy's face, said it all: forget it, since it will just sit in the company's employment database and never be looked at. Also, the pre-qualification questionnaire is just another excuse to exclude you from consideration. In short, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might just as well be damned. In addition, it would not surprise me that all records on an applicant are pulled as soon as you enter your social security number, compared with the parameters in the artificial intelligence engine used to run this database, and your employment application is excluded based on that criteria.

 

Don't get me wrong Barb, because I am just as angry as you are, and just as disgusted. Add to the issues I had with stress in past positions, and it's any wonder I'm 1) a diabetic, 2) have hypertension, 3) have issues with cholesterol, had issues with low mood and ended up on antidepressants.

[Barbarannamated]

Barb, this is probably why you need an attorney nowadays when looking for a job. Nowadays, there is such vagaries in job contracts that you need an attorney versed in labor law to interpret what is in the contract. If there's a labor law attorney you trust, such as a former music director at my church, who's husband just happens to be versed in labor law, and sued the congregation for labor law violations when they showed her, and by extension, her brother, who is an even better organist than she was, the door, I'd ask him or her to review those original documents to see if there is a loophole in that contract.

 

The other issue I had is, that even if I tried to apply for any kind of work, you are referred to the prospective employer's website to apply for a position that may or may not exist. For, example, I stopped at Sheetz the other night to get gas. After I paid for the gas I pumped, a teenager about 18 or 19 come in the store and asked if they were hiring. He was told go to our website and apply. The expression on this guy's face, said it all: forget it, since it will just sit in the company's employment database and never be looked at. Also, the pre-qualification questionnaire is just another excuse to exclude you from consideration. In short, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might just as well be damned. In addition, it would not surprise me that all records on an applicant are pulled as soon as you enter your social security number, compared with the parameters in the artificial intelligence engine used to run this database, and your employment application is excluded based on that criteria.

 

Don't get me wrong Barb, because I am just as angry as you are, and just as disgusted. Add to the issues I had with stress in past positions, and it's any wonder I'm 1) a diabetic, 2) have hypertension, 3) have issues with cholesterol, had issues with low mood and ended up on antidepressants.

 

Thanks, Meistersinger. I always appreciate your input and find that your contributions help me to see things in a way I hadn't previously. That's invaluable to me. When you stated that you could earn $1000/month wages PLUS unlimited cash ("unearned income" if I'm interpreting the rules correctly) in addition to SSDI, I felt a sense of freedom and hope that's hard to describe - for you and, maybe, for me. I knew that the whole "disability/not working/not having purpose/loss of independence/loss of identity and goals" ball o' wax had effected me profoundly, but your situation highlighted the importance of the OPPORTUNITY to earn or do something - ANYTHING! - to bring in more money and stay motivated. There's something psychologically damning (and DAMMING) to know I cannot legally/legitimately do anything to bring money in from age 39 and for the rest of my life. Realistically, I'm never going to work in traditional employment.or self employment again and I think I've known that since my last go-round of interviewing a few years ago when I was supposedly "a shoe in" for a sales position working with a very good longtime friend. I know she advocated for me better than anyone could (I would have been her territory partner so her neck was on the line) and I didnt get the position, obviously. That was a turning point, a tough realization.

 

However, your situation put words to a concept ive thought about and tried to discuss, but got nowhere with: the "unearned income" category and possibilities that might lie within. I have an idea for a horse product that is quite simple, inexpensive to produce and I believe would sell, but I havent pursued it because (partially) i didnt want to get penalized for income. Ive had numerous ideas over the years, but after a few shutdowns and trying to circumvent the system and not show profit, I got to the f*** it point much more quickly. I realize there are people out there who are masters at this kind of numbers wrangling, but it's SO DAMN DISCOURAGING. WHY does our government/system make it amazingly difficult to improve one's life? It turns out, it may be my particular situation/plan, and not Social Security.

 

The political campaigning has me in perpetual state of whiplash. I *thought* I was more conservative ("people must work for their keep... too many social programs create enabling, etc") but then I realize I've been a recipient of one of those programs for many years now and it's highly unlikely that i'll ever be paying into it again. When I see statement like "Work hard...dont ever stop...you'll be a success", I snort in derision. Call me a cynic, but that's delusional thinking. Hard work guarantees nothing anymore.

 

Oh yes, existential crisis in progress!

 

Thanks again, Meistersinger.

[meistersinger]

1347738937[/url]' post='32182']

1347735557[/url]' post='32175']

Barb, this is probably why you need an attorney nowadays when looking for a job. Nowadays, there is such vagaries in job contracts that you need an attorney versed in labor law to interpret what is in the contract. If there's a labor law attorney you trust, such as a former music director at my church, who's husband just happens to be versed in labor law, and sued the congregation for labor law violations when they showed her, and by extension, her brother, who is an even better organist than she was, the door, I'd ask him or her to review those original documents to see if there is a loophole in that contract.

 

The other issue I had is, that even if I tried to apply for any kind of work, you are referred to the prospective employer's website to apply for a position that may or may not exist. For, example, I stopped at Sheetz the other night to get gas. After I paid for the gas I pumped, a teenager about 18 or 19 come in the store and asked if they were hiring. He was told go to our website and apply. The expression on this guy's face, said it all: forget it, since it will just sit in the company's employment database and never be looked at. Also, the pre-qualification questionnaire is just another excuse to exclude you from consideration. In short, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might just as well be damned. In addition, it would not surprise me that all records on an applicant are pulled as soon as you enter your social security number, compared with the parameters in the artificial intelligence engine used to run this database, and your employment application is excluded based on that criteria.

 

Don't get me wrong Barb, because I am just as angry as you are, and just as disgusted. Add to the issues I had with stress in past positions, and it's any wonder I'm 1) a diabetic, 2) have hypertension, 3) have issues with cholesterol, had issues with low mood and ended up on antidepressants.

 

Thanks, Meistersinger. I always appreciate your input and find that your contributions help me to see things in a way I hadn't previously. That's invaluable to me. When you stated that you could earn $1000/month wages PLUS unlimited cash ("unearned income" if I'm interpreting the rules correctly) in addition to SSDI, I felt a sense of freedom and hope that's hard to describe - for you and, maybe, for me. I knew that the whole "disability/not working/not having purpose/loss of independence/loss of identity and goals" ball o' wax had effected me profoundly, but your situation highlighted the importance of the OPPORTUNITY to earn or do something - ANYTHING! - to bring in more money and stay motivated. There's something psychologically damning (and DAMMING) to know I cannot legally/legitimately do anything to bring money in from age 39 and for the rest of my life. Realistically, I'm never going to work in traditional employment.or self employment again and I think I've known that since my last go-round of interviewing a few years ago when I was supposedly "a shoe in" for a sales position working with a very good longtime friend. I know she advocated for me better than anyone could (I would have been her territory partner so her neck was on the line) and I didnt get the position, obviously. That was a turning point, a tough realization.

 

However, your situation put words to a concept ive thought about and tried to discuss, but got nowhere with: the "unearned income" category and possibilities that might lie within. I have an idea for a horse product that is quite simple, inexpensive to produce and I believe would sell, but I havent pursued it because (partially) i didnt want to get penalized for income. Ive had numerous ideas over the years, but after a few shutdowns and trying to circumvent the system and not show profit, I got to the f*** it point much more quickly. I realize there are people out there who are masters at this kind of numbers wrangling, but it's SO DAMN DISCOURAGING. WHY does our government/system make it amazingly difficult to improve one's life? It turns out, it may be my particular situation/plan, and not Social Security.

 

The political campaigning has me in perpetual state of whiplash. I *thought* I was more conservative ("people must work for their keep... too many social programs create enabling, etc") but then I realize I've been a recipient of one of those programs for many years now and it's highly unlikely that i'll ever be paying into it again. When I see statement like "Work hard...dont ever stop...you'll be a success", I snort in derision. Call me a cynic, but that's delusional thinking. Hard work guarantees nothing anymore.

 

Oh yes, existential crisis in progress!

 

Thanks again, Meistersinger.

 

The way my attorney talked, if you are working for an entity (say Sheetz or Kroger, who owns Turkey Hill Minit Markets), you can't earn more than 1000 per month. teaching privately, as long as it is cash only (no checks or credit cards), aka "under the table" you might be able to get away with it. Since I'm not a lawyer, you'll want to talk your own attorney regardins SSDI, as well as private disability concerns.

Actually work hard, don't ever stop, you'll be a success works, as long as you have the support, and as long as you have the guts to go it alone if you don't have that support. After all, Federal Express came to be because its founder, while in college for business, did it alone after a professor roundly criticized and denounced the idea as unworkable. if it were me, I would have folded like a cheap card table. Chad Hurley, the guy that brought us YouTube, started it in the dorms at, of all places, IUP in the late 1990's. I've read that he got a LOT of encouragement from Ed Fry, the track coach, and my old piano teacher at IUP. Any wonder, the basketball arena in the Kolvalchik center at IUP (which sits on the old Kolvalchik junk yard property, is named for "Fast Eddie", completely paid for by Chad Hurley. Had I gotten that kind of support when I was there, who knows?

[meistersinger]

1347738937[/url]' post='32182']

1347735557[/url]' post='32175']

Barb, this is probably why you need an attorney nowadays when looking for a job. Nowadays, there is such vagaries in job contracts that you need an attorney versed in labor law to interpret what is in the contract. If there's a labor law attorney you trust, such as a former music director at my church, who's husband just happens to be versed in labor law, and sued the congregation for labor law violations when they showed her, and by extension, her brother, who is an even better organist than she was, the door, I'd ask him or her to review those original documents to see if there is a loophole in that contract.

 

The other issue I had is, that even if I tried to apply for any kind of work, you are referred to the prospective employer's website to apply for a position that may or may not exist. For, example, I stopped at Sheetz the other night to get gas. After I paid for the gas I pumped, a teenager about 18 or 19 come in the store and asked if they were hiring. He was told go to our website and apply. The expression on this guy's face, said it all: forget it, since it will just sit in the company's employment database and never be looked at. Also, the pre-qualification questionnaire is just another excuse to exclude you from consideration. In short, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might just as well be damned. In addition, it would not surprise me that all records on an applicant are pulled as soon as you enter your social security number, compared with the parameters in the artificial intelligence engine used to run this database, and your employment application is excluded based on that criteria.

 

Don't get me wrong Barb, because I am just as angry as you are, and just as disgusted. Add to the issues I had with stress in past positions, and it's any wonder I'm 1) a diabetic, 2) have hypertension, 3) have issues with cholesterol, had issues with low mood and ended up on antidepressants.

 

Thanks, Meistersinger. I always appreciate your input and find that your contributions help me to see things in a way I hadn't previously. That's invaluable to me. When you stated that you could earn $1000/month wages PLUS unlimited cash ("unearned income" if I'm interpreting the rules correctly) in addition to SSDI, I felt a sense of freedom and hope that's hard to describe - for you and, maybe, for me. I knew that the whole "disability/not working/not having purpose/loss of independence/loss of identity and goals" ball o' wax had effected me profoundly, but your situation highlighted the importance of the OPPORTUNITY to earn or do something - ANYTHING! - to bring in more money and stay motivated. There's something psychologically damning (and DAMMING) to know I cannot legally/legitimately do anything to bring money in from age 39 and for the rest of my life. Realistically, I'm never going to work in traditional employment.or self employment again and I think I've known that since my last go-round of interviewing a few years ago when I was supposedly "a shoe in" for a sales position working with a very good longtime friend. I know she advocated for me better than anyone could (I would have been her territory partner so her neck was on the line) and I didnt get the position, obviously. That was a turning point, a tough realization.

 

However, your situation put words to a concept ive thought about and tried to discuss, but got nowhere with: the "unearned income" category and possibilities that might lie within. I have an idea for a horse product that is quite simple, inexpensive to produce and I believe would sell, but I havent pursued it because (partially) i didnt want to get penalized for income. Ive had numerous ideas over the years, but after a few shutdowns and trying to circumvent the system and not show profit, I got to the f*** it point much more quickly. I realize there are people out there who are masters at this kind of numbers wrangling, but it's SO DAMN DISCOURAGING. WHY does our government/system make it amazingly difficult to improve one's life? It turns out, it may be my particular situation/plan, and not Social Security.

 

The political campaigning has me in perpetual state of whiplash. I *thought* I was more conservative ("people must work for their keep... too many social programs create enabling, etc") but then I realize I've been a recipient of one of those programs for many years now and it's highly unlikely that i'll ever be paying into it again. When I see statement like "Work hard...dont ever stop...you'll be a success", I snort in derision. Call me a cynic, but that's delusional thinking. Hard work guarantees nothing anymore.

 

Oh yes, existential crisis in progress!

 

Thanks again, Meistersinger.

 

I also felt the same way about most social programs (and I'm supposedly a right of center conservative. I agreed in principle with Limbaugh many years ago, though not with the way he delivers his message. Now that the "shoe is on the other foot", I have a completely different view of the safety net, even with a Master's plus experience under my belt, even though that experience came with a heavy price.

I also seem to remember about 30 years ago the brother who gave me the boot being in a similar situation. He did virtually next to nothing while unemployed. How quickly he forgot. Of course, he was alway's Dad's favorite, and was allowed to stay at home. He has no idea how to live on his own, since he never done so. I have, for a total of 7 years, and could barely cope. Many were the nights I got back to my apartment, made dinner, and went to bed (unless I had choir rehearsal or, when I was still playing, band rehearsal). How easily he forgot.

[Shanti]

Just curious. What product did you create for horses? I would give anything to have horses again. I ran into an incredibly insane rule for food stamps. Food stamps are all I have. I'm totally dependent on my mom while I'm waiting for Social Security. Since I'm not able to return to work in retail because of the Neuropathy, I wanted to have a backup plan to get into a different line of work in case I had no choice but to work (If my SS is denied). So I was going to enroll at the college for the Medical Office Administration. However, I'm glad I told my Social Worker my plans, because she told me if I enroll in school, then my Food Stamps would be stopped. Can you believe that? You aren't allowed to go to school if you get Food Stamps. They literally penalize you for trying to improve your situation. My worker told me that this restriction came about during Vietnam because of college students protesting the war. Talk about controlling the population with manipulation. I was able to get around this though by borrowing money to go to an online training program instead. Since it's not technically a college with credit. But since it's not, it also means it isn't covered by a Pell Grant. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't have my mom to pay for it for me.

 

Despite all this, I am still a Liberal and support social programs. It just seems that there is NOTHING that isn't corrupted for power and control by the elite. I can only do what I can.

 

If I do get my Social Security (praying!), I'm not at all worried about fulfillment. I plan to pursue my spiritual interests. I am an ordained minister and do a lot of spiritual work, reiki, readings, etc. I could never have a job that would make me happier. And I am a very simple person and don't need much. But yeah, I'd just love to be able to have a horse though.

[Barbarannamated]

Just curious. What product did you create for horses? I would give anything to have horses again. I ran into an incredibly insane rule for food stamps. Food stamps are all I have. I'm totally dependent on my mom while I'm waiting for Social Security. Since I'm not able to return to work in retail because of the Neuropathy, I wanted to have a backup plan to get into a different line of work in case I had no choice but to work (If my SS is denied). So I was going to enroll at the college for the Medical Office Administration. However, I'm glad I told my Social Worker my plans, because she told me if I enroll in school, then my Food Stamps would be stopped. Can you believe that? You aren't allowed to go to school if you get Food Stamps. They literally penalize you for trying to improve your situation. My worker told me that this restriction came about during Vietnam because of college students protesting the war. Talk about controlling the population with manipulation. I was able to get around this though by borrowing money to go to an online training program instead. Since it's not technically a college with credit. But since it's not, it also means it isn't covered by a Pell Grant. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't have my mom to pay for it for me.

 

Despite all this, I am still a Liberal and support social programs. It just seems that there is NOTHING that isn't corrupted for power and control by the elite. I can only do what I can.

 

If I do get my Social Security (praying!), I'm not at all worried about fulfillment. I plan to pursue my spiritual interests. I am an ordained minister and do a lot of spiritual work, reiki, readings, etc. I could never have a job that would make me happier. And I am a very simple person and don't need much. But yeah, I'd just love to be able to have a horse though.

 

Wow. Shanti, I wish I had just an ounce of your peace and acceptance. That is unconscionable about food stamps being taken away if you are in school. IMO, that is how our system has gone haywire. Stupid rules like that force honest, hardworking people to seek out alternatives, loopholes, etc. Vietnam was a LONG time ago and we have better systems for tracking things now. I'm shocked.

 

Yes, i could see you with horses.

I haven't patented the horse thing yet but i'll let you know when I do.

[Shanti]

Hi Barb. I think your inbox is full :/

[starlitegirlx]

Good morning barb!

 

I just wanted to pop in and say hi and see how you're doing. Hope you're doing well or better. Anyway, just wanted to stop by and see how you're doing.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm having a tough week since going 1 nite without trazodone (low dose for sleep) and then getting wrong generics and dosages from pharmacy. I spiraled really low after the missed dose even though I seemed to sleep through the night (didn't wake).

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1626-trazodone-unavailable/page__pid__32784#entry32784

 

I'm not sure if it's cause and effect or coincidental.

 

Thanks for your messages.

[starlitegirlx]

I'm having a tough week since going 1 nite without trazodone (low dose for sleep) and then getting wrong generics and dosages from pharmacy. I spiraled really low after the missed dose even though I seemed to sleep through the night (didn't wake).

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1626-trazodone-unavailable/page__pid__32784#entry32784

 

I'm not sure if it's cause and effect or coincidental.

 

Thanks for your messages.

 

I replied to you in the other thread regarding the trazadone. I'm praying that you'll start feeling better soon and that this med stuff gets straightened out quickly. I'm so sorry you have to deal with more than what you already have. You're in my thoughts. I am wishing you feel better asap.