success ☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

[JanCarol]

I've taken all of my Aminos. And I just got done eating a Banana. My anxiety is DETERMINED to hold on. I can feel my right elbow burning like a spearmint lifesaver burn. And the right side of my sternum feels the same. I'm feeling a bit sleepy (big surprise!) the lack of a good sleep in the last quarter of the night might have something to do with that. Additionally- I've gotten diarrhea again.  Why does the body have to be so damnably determined to not let us function?

Hey RCC- 

 

As someone who has "messed around" with aminos - and in constant contact with an MD who uses them, I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

 

1.  Tryptophan - with your SSRI history, this is on the danger list.  Overstimulating.  Can cause strange hormonal side effects.  There are advocates for it, and other advocates for 5HtP a precursor.  Both should probably be avoided in your case.  Tyrosine - I've heard some people have difficulty with - but - I am too ignorant of it to comment.  It's not been recommended for me, so I haven't looked into it.

 

The rest of these comments are based on MY regimen, and may not apply to you - but - I will explain why I take them and how, and you can do the homework.

 

2.  NAC - aids in the production of glutathione.  You can take glutathione, but it is poorly digested.  I will be taking a few glutathione IV's later this year, to jump start my adrenals and digestion (I have fatigued adrenals, not cortisol spikes).  I use NAC as an antidepressant, taken in the morning.

 

3.  Inositol - I've used OTC inositol in the past, with no effect (up to 2 grams per day).  My ortho-doc prescribed compounded inositol for me, only 650 mg, and I am sleeping like a baby (unless awakened by bladder or pain),and my delayed cycle sleep is shifting slightly earlier.  I take it in the evening, after dinner, and get drowsy, which is a pleasant change.  She also recommended that I use it like a valium, if I feel a cortisol spike, or anxiety or tension, earlier in the day, but I have been afraid to do this - don't want to be drowsy at inappropriate times.

 

3.  Taurine - same as you - but mostly for magnesium absorption - I have not used it PRN, like you do (inositol is supposed to be my "goto" for PRN dosing), just a steady daily dose to make sure I have "enough."  ALSO in the afternoon, I add a tablet of Mag L-Threonate to my magnesium regimen - supposed to be better for the brain.  I am happy with my brain right now, so I'm leaving it in.

 

4.  PS/PC - Phosphatidyl Serine & Choline - also taken in the evening - for a general "tonic" for my brain, digestion, and endocrine system.  I also compliment this with Sunflower lecithin to "boost" its effect.

 

5.  5HtP - currently giving this one a rest.  I HAVE NOT HAD WITHDRAWALS FROM SSRI/SNRI in decades - so this may not apply to you.  I use this when I've been particularly dark and dumpy and down, wrestling the black dog.  Right now, I'm fine, but I keep a stock around so I can start it up whenever the black dog hangs around for too long - say - longer than 3 weeks or so.

 

Just thought I'd share an alternate view.  I'm curious to hear how you came up with your 4T amino combination.  Your own research?  Naturopath?  

[Rockingchaircat]

 

I've taken all of my Aminos. And I just got done eating a Banana. My anxiety is DETERMINED to hold on. I can feel my right elbow burning like a spearmint lifesaver burn. And the right side of my sternum feels the same. I'm feeling a bit sleepy (big surprise!) the lack of a good sleep in the last quarter of the night might have something to do with that. Additionally- I've gotten diarrhea again.  Why does the body have to be so damnably determined to not let us function?

Hey RCC- 

 

As someone who has "messed around" with aminos - and in constant contact with an MD who uses them, I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

 

1.  Tryptophan - with your SSRI history, this is on the danger list.  Overstimulating.  Can cause strange hormonal side effects.  There are advocates for it, and other advocates for 5HtP a precursor.  Both should probably be avoided in your case.  Tyrosine - I've heard some people have difficulty with - but - I am too ignorant of it to comment.  It's not been recommended for me, so I haven't looked into it.

 

The rest of these comments are based on MY regimen, and may not apply to you - but - I will explain why I take them and how, and you can do the homework.

 

2.  NAC - aids in the production of glutathione.  You can take glutathione, but it is poorly digested.  I will be taking a few glutathione IV's later this year, to jump start my adrenals and digestion (I have fatigued adrenals, not cortisol spikes).  I use NAC as an antidepressant, taken in the morning.

 

3.  Inositol - I've used OTC inositol in the past, with no effect (up to 2 grams per day).  My ortho-doc prescribed compounded inositol for me, only 650 mg, and I am sleeping like a baby (unless awakened by bladder or pain),and my delayed cycle sleep is shifting slightly earlier.  I take it in the evening, after dinner, and get drowsy, which is a pleasant change.  She also recommended that I use it like a valium, if I feel a cortisol spike, or anxiety or tension, earlier in the day, but I have been afraid to do this - don't want to be drowsy at inappropriate times.

 

3.  Taurine - same as you - but mostly for magnesium absorption - I have not used it PRN, like you do (inositol is supposed to be my "goto" for PRN dosing), just a steady daily dose to make sure I have "enough."  ALSO in the afternoon, I add a tablet of Mag L-Threonate to my magnesium regimen - supposed to be better for the brain.  I am happy with my brain right now, so I'm leaving it in.

 

4.  PS/PC - Phosphatidyl Serine & Choline - also taken in the evening - for a general "tonic" for my brain, digestion, and endocrine system.  I also compliment this with Sunflower lecithin to "boost" its effect.

 

5.  5HtP - currently giving this one a rest.  I HAVE NOT HAD WITHDRAWALS FROM SSRI/SNRI in decades - so this may not apply to you.  I use this when I've been particularly dark and dumpy and down, wrestling the black dog.  Right now, I'm fine, but I keep a stock around so I can start it up whenever the black dog hangs around for too long - say - longer than 3 weeks or so.

 

Just thought I'd share an alternate view.  I'm curious to hear how you came up with your 4T amino combination.  Your own research?  Naturopath?  

 

I appreciate the tips and wisdom.

 

1- Tryptophan- yeah I've decided to leave that off of the list of things to take now. It got me into a good mood for a few days and then I had a bout of nasty fatigue- not good. Checking up on the symptoms I discovered online a description of the 'balance' between Serotonin and Dopamine (High/Low of each). Between the Happy Light, spring sun, and Tryptophan- I decided I was getting too much Serotonin. However, now that I've held off on it, I've started getting a 2:30 in the morning Cortisol surge again. Which is annoying as all heck.

1a- The tyrosine seems to be efficacious in keeping away a goodly portion of the Anxiety during the day.  Which is good in that it allows me to function more at work, not so good as apparently I'd been relying on the anxiety energy to fuel my working energy. 

2- I may have to try that.

3- Compounded Inositol- something else to try.

4-Taurine- that seems to work for me in helping to keep me lower key during the day and at night. I take it an hour before bedtime, in that it seems to help prevent Cortisol spikes for at least 5-6 hours of intermittent sleep. Additionally I also noticed that my heart palpitations which had been occurring prior to my taking it- had been several times a day, every day. Now it's once, in a great while.

5- Something else to try. I may end up ordering it online. Cause the PS doesn't seem to be readily available in any of the local health food stores or such.

6- I tried that a couple of times- I came close to Serotonin Syndrome. Not something I care to try again.

 

I appreciate the input. It gives me a few options to pursue until such time as mine body ...more or less...heals.

 

I take it this regimen of yours has helped you avoid many of the symptoms of withdrawal and tapering?

 

Mine started when I was getting severely desperate to do something about my Cortisol Spikes. I'd tried taking aspirin- (bad Idea), then I tried a Taurine once and had an allergic reaction. I tried it again in desperation and I was able to get some improved sleep for a bit.  

I did a bit of online research and some sites stated that Taurine was a neurotransmitter precursor (gaba) others stated that it was a helper to cleaning up excess glutamate. All I did know was that it seemed to help relieve a symptom or three. 

My 'theory'/hypothesis was predicated upon Windows/waves. that Windows may occur because for a few hours/days, because our bodies got what it needed for a bit. I.E. that we're not getting all that we need to produce the necessary  amounts of neurotransmitters. So I decided to do the 4 T's. Each of which was (more or less) a neurotransmitter precursor. 

 

Results are mixed. For a few days, I can manage feeling halfway normal. But like anything, it fades for a bit, then comes back. Or it could simply be me and my weirded out body chemistry. 

I like so many others, got desperate for any kind of relief, however temporary.

 

And thank you again.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 307.

I felt well enough yesterday for some 'personal time' for the wife and I yesterday after work. That is an improvement. I'm putting that down as one at least. I still managed to do a work out, have dinner (with the some extra carbs) and go for a walk before bed. I remembered to stay off the pewter around sunset.  Which seemed to help with the sleep. I woke up (again) at 1:40, but I was able to snooze until the cursed 2:30 Cortisol spike. But I still managed to get some extra sleep after that. The result of which- I'm not quite so tired this morning. No great desire to nap.  Fridays are usually slower, but there's still work to be done.

Taking note, I recall that it's been a while since I've felt nausea after breakfast. That too is an improvement.  I do get some skin burn now and then, but that too seems to be away for now.  It started yesterday around my shoulders and then after an hour migrated to my armpits.

I still get anxiety attacks, but relaxation techniques are helping. 

And this morning I inevitably had a 'good old days' moment thinking about life on the crap. Of which I counter with the rest of the story to myself.

Another day closer to 'normality'.

[JanCarol]

Hey RCC -  That's awesome!  An almost normal day!  A window? 

 

nope, my regimen is more about mood and damage control, not about withdrawal.  It's why I posted it with a huge caveat.

 

I'm damaged from 10 years lithium, and resulting surgeries, and metabolic disorder.  My mood wasn't stable since I started the antidepressant merry-go-round 25 years ago.  Truth be told, my mood wasn't very stable before that, either - whether it was about B-vitamins, methylation, allergies, antihistamines, hormones, trauma, or what.

 

But it is stable now, if eccentric.  It's interesting that you could take the tryptophan and not the 5HtP (I think of the 5HtP as "milder," perhaps incorrectly!).  Those "simple" aminos are, um.  Wow.  This is why I am firmly against "shotgun" amino complexes - the mfg puts in a little of everything and hopes something works and there are no reactions - right.  People are different, one shotgun doesn't cover all ails!

 

That is an awfully early cortisol spike!  If I were to pick one single helper for you, it might be the inositol, because of the spikes.  Do your research, see what you think.

[Rockingchaircat]

Hey RCC -  That's awesome!  An almost normal day!  A window? 

 

nope, my regimen is more about mood and damage control, not about withdrawal.  It's why I posted it with a huge caveat.

 

I'm damaged from 10 years lithium, and resulting surgeries, and metabolic disorder.  My mood wasn't stable since I started the antidepressant merry-go-round 25 years ago.  Truth be told, my mood wasn't very stable before that, either - whether it was about B-vitamins, methylation, allergies, antihistamines, hormones, trauma, or what.

 

But it is stable now, if eccentric.  It's interesting that you could take the tryptophan and not the 5HtP (I think of the 5HtP as "milder," perhaps incorrectly!).  Those "simple" aminos are, um.  Wow.  This is why I am firmly against "shotgun" amino complexes - the mfg puts in a little of everything and hopes something works and there are no reactions - right.  People are different, one shotgun doesn't cover all ails!

 

That is an awfully early cortisol spike!  If I were to pick one single helper for you, it might be the inositol, because of the spikes.  Do your research, see what you think.

Yeah an almost window. The second one in a month.  I THINK it's something to do with mine Amino Acid Therapy, it may not. Either way- I'll take it. I got to enjoy a kind of improvement on the Anti-d's, but looking back I realize that there was a lot of downsides. The major one is that I'm paying the piper right now. 

Well when it comes to mood- mood is a great motivator or not.  So  yeah- mood control is a necessity.

When I first started this stuff the first window- I had no less than 4 nights of no cortisol spikes. Then I had a stressful day and it came back.

And sometimes shotgun approaches often end up shooting the wrong direction.

[JanCarol]

And sometimes shotgun approaches often end up shooting the wrong direction.

 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 308.

I snuck in some junk food candy- and I paid for it.  Oh goodness did I pay. The anxiety wouldn't let go for long all during the afternoon and well into the night- even after exercise. And like a fool I tried to 'sleep in'. Yeah Right. As if that'll do any good.

So the inevitable morning anxiety just had a longer opportunity to torment me. Result- a crying fit upon dragging myself out of bed.  Motivation remains low, and I've got stuff to do anyways. It seems that my hyperosmia won't work when it comes to sniffing chocolate now.  Of course not.

But I am determined to continue.

 

Depression- lies.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 309

I only slept in an hour and a half.  I seemed to function fairly well. And then I see a text I'd missed last night. A friend was in a car accident. The self same friend whose husband has been laid up by bladder cancer and hasn't been working for a while. 

For some reason I've gotten a resurgence of depression. I can't imagine why. A rainy day today, good thing I took care of the yard work yesterday.  The daughter was grumpy about not being able to work at the house because of the rain/work.

I find I have to avoid any sugar now- if I don't- anxiety attack. Well I get them anyways, but it makes it worse. What a surprise.  New sneakers today. A meal at a Mongolian Grill. "normally' that's enough to make me feel better. Not this time of course. And a view atop Skinner's Butte. It's been a while since we've been up there.

Tomorrow- 6 month dental appointment, and call in after 5 to see if I've got Jury Duty on Tuesday. Loads of fun.

 

The wife was very helpful in helping me cope. If it wasn't for her, I'd take care of myself- permanently. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 310.

 

Well my brain is most creative with coming up with new ways to torment me.  Now for the last couple of days I'd 'sleep in' (actually just mostly lie there and doze until I feel uncomfortable enough to force myself out of bed. Invariably- I'd pay the price with a nice unhealthy dose of depression. And yesterday's depression came with a good wallop of anxiety that simply wouldn't give in. Oh it lightened up a bit around 1 in the afternoon long enough for me to fall asleep in the passenger side of the car on the ride home from someplace. And it lightened up enough to allow another nap 4 hours later.

 

But of late I'd been sleeping more or less till 2:30 in the morning. last night I got woken up with a more or less minor Cortisol surge at 1 in the morning.  Ok Ok. 'normal'. But get this- I'm awake again at 2:30 in the morning when I get a myoclonic jerk of my pelvis. Thoroughly waking me up. Ok fine. I've still got an hour and a half- I can fall asleep to that right?

 

Nope.

 

Suddenly I've got myoclonic jerks in my left triceps, little ones- but large enough to keep me from falling asleep for all of an hour.  A nice little staccato beat in 3-4 places in that muscle.  it slowly subsides over the course of an hour. There is no anxiety this morning- just an even deeper despair because of a lack of rest. This is ******* hell. I managed to get myself out of bed at 4 and did the morning ablutions. Ate breakfast and was nauseous. I was awake enough to drive to work. It just seems to me that my body is determined to make me suffer at every opportunity. I managed to find a way to find an extra bit of shut eye- and now I'm to be punished for that.

 

A few nights ago my left middle finger was completely numb upon arising. Today my left hand, and part of my left arm is cold.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 311.

Lots of Cortisol spikes. Intermittent sleep. Plenty of insomnia. And I reported for Jury Duty this morning. Lucky me.

 

Just as well, I'm good for two years. I didn't get picked. But the prospect of being a juror while going through mood swings- like the ones I've been going through- would've been a newer definition of Hell.  Last night- 4 hours of sleep tops. I did try to doze a bit after breakfast to see if I could get away with that.  I kinda did. But I get the feeling that I'm paying for it now.  Medium headache- after eating. I wasn't hungry until they announced I wasn't serving- then I was ravenous. 

 

Another day to enjoy life as it is.  And when i do finally manage to get a decent night's sleep on a regular basis (and I will), the wife will need a crowbar to get me out of bed.

 

As it is now- the anxiety levels are very low. Mostly I'm just feeling crappy due to the sudden lack of sleep. The night before last 2 maybe 3 Cortisol spikes. Last night/this morning- More.  Yesterday- bi-annual teeth cleaning (and yes it did hurt more because of sensitivity issues) and jury duty today. I wasn't stressed about such that I could tell, but I'm thinking my unconscious was.

 

Wait and see what happens later.  Today- Some skin burn around the triceps, very low key.  Myoclonic jerks, all night, mostly not causing any problems. And some more whilst waiting for the jury assembly to occur. Nothing right now. 

 

When I heal- ....I lost my train of thought....

 

I had another Timeslip this morning. Whlst dozing after breakfast on the couch- I noticed the clock said: 6:24. I doze off, and waken again and it reads: 6:23.  Weird. Even weirder? The wife reports something similar happening to her too last week.  Different Room/Different Clock.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 312

A few days ago I tried some Arginine. It didn't seem to do me much good, so I stopped taking it. But the last couple nights cortisol spikes. Last night before bed I took the arginine again. I think I slept. But I had some of the most intense dreams. Quite a number of them. One time i awoke, and for about 15-20 seconds my left leg between the knee and the ankle sort of 'tingled' or popped. And i felt as if my leg was being pushed up. I don't have restless leg, more of a restless toes of late.  

I day dream of sleeping more than an hour or two at a time. Someday...

Jury Duty report- I didn't get picked. Three and a half hours of sitting on my butt. The lady next to me was griping something fierce about it. Yet she got called, I did not.

Oh, I cried again. Tears didn't flow this time. Though my eyes got slightly more watery.  Depressed? Yet hungry.  Go figure that one out. Yes I'm tired of being in pain. Who wouldn't be.

 

23 years ago i got hooked on drinking alcohol. But when I realized the problem I got myself off of it.A bit of a struggle. But I did it. It did get me something- a sense of accomplishment and a sense of superiority. A superiority to all of those out there who had to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. Such arrogance.

 

And now, so much later. I'm going through the withdrawals of Antidepressant use. Well, this is some long overdue humility. Often I think about how nice it would be if we could just 'take a day off' once in a while. The problem being- that we as humans would put off such for as long as possible- indefinitely. But then- that's what we were doing with the pills. Not dealing with the problem, just treating symptoms.

 

The occasional window to give us some motivation before torturing us again.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 313

 

I had a lightening of the mood yesterday. Around about 10:00 I purchased a baguette and ...devoured it. Along about an hour later- I started to feel better- another 'portal'. (Windowette). I've been getting such more often. I call them mini-windows because I still get the anxiety and the like, but if I'm careful they're easier to suppress. And there is a lightening of the mood. Which allows me to enjoy life. I had dinner with a friend. After the dinner and driving home I realized that I had my sense of humor during the meal.  And then it hit me- one of my biggest fears from suffering all of this pain was the possibility that all such would make me into a bad person. Yet here was this small window- and the old me, the fun loving jokester- was still here. A small bit of hope, and optimism for the future for when I'm free.

I think I've noticed a pattern to the potential for when a window occurs: 1) The wave gets worse. Just prior to this one- I cried at least once a day for the previous three days. 2) My earworms become easier to dispense. "Normally" I'm stuck with an earworm for days, sometimes the better part of weeks. 

Of late I've also noticed that my skin burn has been occurring less often of late. This is a good thing. And I've noticed a long standing pain in my left elbow has seemed to almost completely disappear. A 'tennis-elbow' like sensation. Now during my benzo withdrawal it was a constant- in both elbows and in my hips as well. The left elbow has been the holdout. Now when I do my weight training it seems to occur less and less often.

 

One thing I read yesterday- Alta mentioned that hypoglycemia triggers Cortisol Surges. I've started eating a half slice of bread in the middle of the night to see if I could hold off the Spikes. Last night was the first and preliminary. I did notice an almost surge last night, as if my body was all geared up for it, and was stymied because I didn't have a low blood sugar.  I'd have almost called it a good night, if it weren't for my CPAP deciding to do a reset at 2 in the morning. This means that the SD card it records the reading onto is full and needs a replacement. I shall see what the future days bring.  Now I shall see what I can eat that doesn't result in my teeth feeling coated in the middle of the night.

 

Because if I can get the Cortisol Spikes under control and start getting some decent sleep on a more regular basis- that would be great.

[AliG]

Hey RCC. I can feel the lightening ( of mood) .   Windowette ?  

 

"A small bit of hope, and optimism for the future when I'm free. "

 

I can sense the difference in your outlook. It has a much more positive slant !  I hope it keeps up for you !

Ali

[Rockingchaircat]

Hey RCC. I can feel the lightening ( of mood) .   Windowette ?  

 

"A small bit of hope, and optimism for the future when I'm free. "

 

I can sense the difference in your outlook. It has a much more positive slant !  I hope it keeps up for you !

Ali

Day 314.

Definitely a window. The second in a month. It may be caused by Amino Acid therapy or it may be natural progression. The fact that I've still been getting bad days on the therapy- indicates to me that it may be natural progression. For all I know the Amino Acids are completely useless- but I don't think so.

Thanks AliG. I wish you the best as well.

Yesterday after dinner- my blood pressure (which is normally pounding in my ears during meditation) was actually reasonable. Additionally I decided to eat a midnight snack. It may or may not have helped - but last night, no detectable 'for sure' Cortisol Spikes. I'm feeling a bit more rested. So I will be trying it for a few more days/nights and see what happens.

 

This is a window- and  yes it will end. BUT- on my A.A.T. things have more or less gotten easier to some extent. 

I did notice that before my window- I was crying more (once a day for three days) and my emotions were all over.  But last night and today- I got goose bumps listening to music. Another Good sign.

And dang it- I've got to stay off the sugar. Eating it for more than breakfast causes the anxiety to flare.

Oh yeah- last night,early morning I had about 10-15 seconds of anxiety. It passed fairly quick.

Meditation was hard- I had too much energy- and it was difficult getting sleep- someone was burning yard waste, in came the smoke residue through the window. Luckily he wasn't burning any plastic this time.

 

So Window- but not a perfect one. Healing. That is more important. 

[SquirrellyGirl]

Hey RCC. I can feel the lightening ( of mood) .   Windowette ?  

 

"A small bit of hope, and optimism for the future when I'm free. "

 

I can sense the difference in your outlook. It has a much more positive slant !  I hope it keeps up for you !

Ali

 

Even throughout I've been aware of your sense of humor, RCC - always loved that about your posts.  So you'll be uncontainable once you are truly feeling better LOL!

 

I also enjoy your "scientific" curiosity to trying things like the aminos and eating at bedtime :-)

 

SG

 

SG

[Rockingchaircat]

 

Hey RCC. I can feel the lightening ( of mood) .   Windowette ?  

 

"A small bit of hope, and optimism for the future when I'm free. "

 

I can sense the difference in your outlook. It has a much more positive slant !  I hope it keeps up for you !

Ali

 

Even throughout I've been aware of your sense of humor, RCC - always loved that about your posts.  So you'll be uncontainable once you are truly feeling better LOL!

 

I also enjoy your "scientific" curiosity to trying things like the aminos and eating at bedtime :-)

 

SG

 

SG

 

Thanks.

Day 315.

Definitely a window. I'm enjoying things as is. But I'm accepting the fact that it too will eventually- end. BUT, and this is important- eventually my waves will end too. (Just took my theanine). The second window in a month? THAT is a good sign.

It was nice the last 24. I even managed to oversleep this morning. After a night of surprisingly good sleep. But I have a headache- due in part to no doubt extra sleep. It presages the future. In which weekends will be thoroughly sleeping in. Yesterday I was on the coast- I indulged and got myself some Fish and Chips (Halibut). Salty french fries. But strangely enough my blood pressure didn't spike like it normally does. Guess I needed the salt, I'd been cutting back on it. Meditation- I actually managed to meditate for a bit. After 20 minutes I managed to doze off.

 

Actually I don't eat at bedtime. I eat a snack about halfway through the night. Roughly about the time the cortisol spikes like to start up. If I can head those off.....

Well wait and see. 

This window started without the Tryptophan. Now the Taurine, Tyrosine, and Theanine, definitely help out. During the waves- they don't eliminate the feelings, but they ( I think) 'inspire' my body to keep up production of what I prefer. It's good to have some concrete evidence again. I had some Arginine a few nights ago- but it gave me some truly intense dreams. Overwhelming dreams. It may or may not have helped trigger this window. Wait and see.I may try it again after this window ends. Cause you know- I don't wanna screw it up.

 

The next six months I will have significant advances. I know this.

This window is nice. But I will endeavor to keep it going for as long as possible.

 

Reviewing my log- apparently this is my THIRD window in a month's time, not a second. Day 301. Even though this window is much better.

 

Yowza.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 316

 

I thought for sure that I managed to prematurely end this window by drinking some soda yesterday- but after a few hours of very minor anxiety- it went away. Last night I think I got a Cortisol spike, along about the time I normally would've gotten up (0400). Hey, I can handle that no sweat. But since I fell asleep and over slept by about a half hour- I doubt it was.  Midnight snack seems to help.

 

My 3 T's amino acid therapy does seem to be efficacious for me at least.  

A persistent headache for me today that seems to only go away after a workout. And I was feeling well enough for some 'personal time' for me and the Missus. I think I'll be filing THAT away into the 'Improved' section.  Depersonalization after breakfast- it was an unusual one- the wife wanted to go to the Original Pancake House. We did, and I had Bacon and Eggs (over hard), peppermint tea (no sugar), and some banana slices. I seem to be able to handle a regular breakfast with a bit of sugar in the tea and some toast with jelly. But anything beyond that seems to raise the risk of triggering an anxiety flare. 

So, I've been avoiding that. I still get the occasional urge for animal protein for a snack. And some whole grain bread as a snack too.

 

It's not exactly a symptom free window- but as far as I'm concerned- so long as I'm not having to deal with a constant anxiety- it's good enough for me. (And a halfway decent night's sleep).

[Altostrata]

That sounds like good news, RCC. Thank you!

[Rockingchaircat]

That sounds like good news, RCC. Thank you!

You're quite welcome Altostrata. And Thank You- for your site and your commitment to helping the rest of us deluded by the Medical Establishment.

 

Day 317.

Personal time with the Missus yesterday.

The wife has been asking what I wanna do on a 3 day weekend. I've found that just simply puttering around the house relatively free of torment- to be most enjoyable.   Anxiety is still around a bit- this morning I had a wee bit of Cortisol spike - at my usual 4 a.m. get up time. After about an hour of dozing I got up.

Now I'm not getting 8 hours of sleep. More like sleep every couple of hours, stare at the ceiling, doze off...Bathroom break, etc.  But even this is an improvement.  I'm not eating sugary treats- but once I can do so again I'll probably not be quite so concerned about it.

I had a most persistent headache yesterday. Eventually it dissipated. It's almost as if my grass pollen allergy comes and goes. I'd love to go back to bed and snooze. Maybe I will. Maybe not.

Basic Training- meh. Life in Saudi or Kuwait- Ugh. Military medical- arrgh. Antidepressant withdrawal- worst.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 318.

 

A bit on the tense side today. It could be the latest window is shutting. But I have noticed in the last 24 hours that I tend to become a bit more 'nervous/excited' during a meal. No idea why. Even if the drink I'm drinking is just plain water. Yesterday's lunch- flavored lemonade made me just as nervous/excited as dinner's tapwater. I've been sleeping roughly in two hour increments. Though I woke up before 2:30 and awaited the Cortisol Spike. My body feels as if it's gonna happen and it mostly does not. I had the same problem again at 3:30. It's a very odd sensation.

I have noticed that I"m getting goose pimples almost every day now. Yesterday I dozed all the way to 5:30. Today it's up at 4. I still await a full night's decent sleep. I know it'll be a while yet- but it's something I yearn for. I really could use more of them.  I noticed that I'm still getting some cloudy urine. This morning's also stank of the fish I had for lunch yesterday- go figure that one out. I am dragging a bit today. Missed a couple of snacks.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 319.

Window closed. A low level anxiety that seems to start up along about 3:00 in the morning. And no amount of relaxation techniques will make it go away. At least when I'm trying to get to sleep. This is the most annoying part, and of course it's the most persistent- the lack of fulfilling sleep.

 

I get woken up a half hour after going to sleep last night, by the neighbor with his power tool fetish. He only works intermittently for about 10 minutes- but it was enough, to wake me up and to keep me awake for a while. Time I could've spent getting some sleep. at this point I'm just about delirious with lust for it. 2+ years of wanting a decent night sleep WITHOUT a pill. 

Winter- storms/rain/cold. Spring- hay fever. Summer- heat. July- fireworks. Autumn- is about the only time I remember managing to get a half way amount of sleep.

 

Toe twitches have reduced. So I was able to fall asleep faster. Staying asleep is the problem. Go to bed at 8. Get woken up at 8:23. Fall back asleep after 20 minutes. Wake up at 10, Nature's call. 11:30, nature's call. 12:30 realise I'd not eaten 'snack'. 2:00 nature's call. 2:30 await Cortisol Surge- nothing. 3:00 Cortisol surge occurs but not enough to make my heart pound.  Toss and turn rest of the hour until I get up at 4.

 

Repeat endlessly every freaking night. 

 

Do meditation in the afternoon. Fall asleep invariably. 15 minutes later- get woken up by neighbor with his power tool fetish. No further power tool sounds until I go to bed and fall asleep.  Amazing coincidence that.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 320.

 

I feel like crap today. Despite getting a bit more sleep last night. Yesterday I had a Hyperosmia day. Not so good when I passed that slaughterhouse with the roadkill skunk. Better when I had dinner at that Indian Restaurant.  And I had a 15 minute window yesterday in which I felt good.

My appetite plummeted yesterday. And today isn't much better. I developed some nausea about a half hour after breakfast.  No Cortisol surge last night, but the anxiety kicked in at 3:30. This morning I'm dragging. Oh I so want a decent night's sleep again. It's been so very long since I had one.

Toe twitches flared up again last evening. 

I've been able- of late- to sleep on my back without much back support. Whereas just a couple of months ago, attempting to do so would've been unthinkable - which I discovered in the middle of the night quite often. My skin burn seems to have gone away for now. If it is here- it's pretty much indiscernable. 

But what gets my goat about all of these symptoms? The one I want to get rid of the most, is the most persistent in plaguing me: the one that drags me down the worst- sleep issues.  People can and do put up with a lot of crap- provided they can get a half way decent night's sleep. 

 

But then there is us. We gotta keep going. And then of us, there are those of us who have to work full time. We cannot afford to take time off. 

 

So if I suddenly stop making entries- 5 will get you 10- I'm dead from exhaustion. It's the American Way!

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 321.

Yesterday was a depression day. I barely made it through without a meltdown. When I got home I took a nap. I was able to get some sleep, and it was the third awakening that I couldn't ignore anymore (cortisol surge) all in the space of 10 minutes.  Yet strangely enough I felt a slightly lesser amount of fatigue. 

And of course- last night was the damnable Cortisol and Insomnia. 1:30 am 2:30 am. Stare at ceiling for an hour and a half. 

Conclusion concerning the midnight snack- useless. All it seems to get me is a mouth film in the morning. And this morning, after the pair of cortisol surges, was hunger pangs a half hour before get up. - Thus no different. I get hunger pangs- but I'm not hungry when I get up. So much for the notion that the cortisol spikes are a result of low blood sugar.

It's harder on some days to not despair. Oh sure I'd gotten another mini-window, but the window ends and the spit begins. Right now- my skin burn has returned. Instead of the arms, it's the shoulders and the like. Feels like liquid heat.  I just want to be able to sleep again.

 

And right now the depression hits the hardest. GOD DAMN THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY FOR THIS ****!

 

In the last two years. 

2 weeks to overcome tolerance for Oxycodone.

2 months to overcome tolerance for Ativan.

??? to overcome tolerance for Antidepressants?

 

I knew that overcoming anti-d's was gonna take longer, but FARK!

[Nicki1722]

Wow, some of the stuff you are going through I can really relate to. However, I can sleep but won't feel like I slept a wink. I also had a weird overwhelming emotional feeling towards my fiancé a few weeks ago that I had never felt before. Kind of as you describe "lightening." I had always thought that the antidepressants really made it difficult for me to feel a lot of different emotions, including love, and now I know that's true! You're giving me some hope that these waves will get better.

[Rockingchaircat]

Wow, some of the stuff you are going through I can really relate to. However, I can sleep but won't feel like I slept a wink. I also had a weird overwhelming emotional feeling towards my fiancé a few weeks ago that I had never felt before. Kind of as you describe "lightening." I had always thought that the antidepressants really made it difficult for me to feel a lot of different emotions, including love, and now I know that's true! You're giving me some hope that these waves will get better.

 

Day 322.

Oh they'll get better. But understand that things won't always stay better.  It can be difficult for me gauge at times if things are better, or maybe I'm just grousing about the fact that it's gone on for so long. This morning I got out of bed a couple of hours later than 'normal'.

I think...I slept a bit more- but it's difficult to be sure.  I closed my eyes, I dreamt, I noticed that time flew by.  But it wasn't the restful sleep per se.  Cause I had plenty of cortisol spikes upon awakening. I managed to get a bit of meditation in this morning- until one of my cats decided I needed to be brought out of it by screeching at me.  As always- it's wearing to keep up a brave face. Yet what else is there to do. There will be a day in which this will all seem like a bad dream. But apparently- that day isn't today.

Ah heck, the benzo withdrawal seems so far away now.

 

 That psychiatrist of yours Nicki needs to be roughed up. If I had to hazard a guess- that if there were in fact some kind of parasite for the human species- one that feeds upon human suffering and despair- I'd hazard that it's Medicos/Psych docs. Cause they sure as seem hell bent to cause as much as possible.

[Nicki1722]

I, too, have the unrestful sleep. And I, too, have to continue working a full time job. I wonder at times if I'm safe working. But it's sad that I really don't have a choice at this point. I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and i'm waiting for the day that I wake up and it's over. I feel so....strung out. My brain seems overstimulated but I'm tired. And if I sleep I wake up and wonder why I even went to sleep in the first place! Oh the irony

[Rockingchaircat]

I, too, have the unrestful sleep. And I, too, have to continue working a full time job. I wonder at times if I'm safe working. But it's sad that I really don't have a choice at this point. I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and i'm waiting for the day that I wake up and it's over. I feel so....strung out. My brain seems overstimulated but I'm tired. And if I sleep I wake up and wonder why I even went to sleep in the first place! Oh the irony

 

That sounds like me...for the last 2 years.

Even the smallest amount of sleep- is better than none. Best bet- devote yourself to rest whenever you can. If you've got someone who can drive you work- do so. Now is the time to swallow your pride.  Goodness knows how I've got any left to swallow...

 

Day 323.

 

Somehow the last couple of days in the morning- I make myself stay in bed past 4. And somehow I manage to get a wee bit more sleep. This morning even with the extra hour- I'm grumpy. But with the wife's help, I slowly come out of it. And I try make myself have a good day. Mixed results- but I am feeling better. (And the Taurine, Tyrosine, and Theanine).

I try an experiment this morning over second breakfast- I have butter. ....with French Toast. REAL Maple Syrup.   Result?  No excessive sleepiness that has been character of past dairy product consumption- and my anxiety from consumption of sugar- nada. (pretty much). I also have a glass of freshly squeezed OJ, and some sliced up banana.

 

Pick up the daughter, go grocery shopping. Take all home. Daughter helps with household chores. Take her into town, to a flea market.  An overly hot and sweaty flea market. (Doesn't anyone else shower before going to those?)Take daughter to her home and drop her off. 

Lunch at a Mongolian Grill- as usual I pile up way too much meat. Yet after that, two lemonades, and a helping of rice- I'm still not sleepy.   It's like the old days before getting off of the anti-d.

Friday night I took a 500 mg Arginine tablet. No weird dreams this time. I will try it again this coming Friday to see if that helps again.

Most of the night was spent trying not to swelter. The AC goes off at night, so I open the window- even with the fan it still takes a while to get comfy. Summer in Oregon. Maybe it's the heat, maybe not. Maybe I'm learning the beginnings of coping.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 324.

 

I'm still getting toe twitches upon lying down for bed- with just the occasional continuation of same during the night. Still it's far far better than those danged fool restless leg episodes. And- they only seem to occur in my right foot. (for now). Saturday's lunch- Salmon Fish & Chips. It may have done me some good. Alas, such is not always available during the week.  Daytime anxiety was at a minimum, but last night- no Cortisol spikes- yet a couple of times after 2 I'm awake and fearful. It may have been a nightmare- but it was more a of a creepy dream than a scary one. No cloudy urine this morning. Due to the second breakfast- last night's dinner was a hunk of bread and a banana.

Some skin burn this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary. It appears that the VERY persistent inflammation of my left elbow has subsided. My third workout yesterday and it doesn't hurt today. I'm thinking that such was part and parcel of the withdrawal process- everything got inflamed until the body relearns how to de-inflame.  The heat may be to blame- but my edema has subsided something fierce. My legs don't always look like I've been applying a tourniquette to them. Just a mild imprint of my sock pattern.

 

Even with the intermittent sleep- I have been feeling a bit more rested. Part of me wants to think that I'm getting close to homeostasis. The rest of me is too fearful of having that much hope. Two cooworkers have called in sick- both have been footdragging about getting their Air Conditioning repaired. A bit of nausea when I started brushing my teeth- and I had a momentary dizzy spell. Go figure.

 

I've been working on stopping being such a sourpuss. Though I have to admit- that not being in pain or discomfort all of the time does make such easier.  The big question: Do I have withdrawal, or does withdrawal have me?

 

Another day closer to normality.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 325.

 

I thought my twitchy toes was subsiding before going to bed. I was wrong- it flared up, and to boot, after the first sleep (of about 45 minutes) full blown restless leg. Not quite the amount of sleep I'd been 'normally' been getting- so even the just barely enough, was cut. 

Just a bit wired  last night I guess. Plenty of dreams. Ah the day will come when I have a full night's sleep with little to no disturbances.  Another day closer.  40 more days- and it'll be a year.  The nausea continued after yesterday's entry. But it too eventually went away- I'm thinking it may have been the gatorade I drank that had been sitting on my work desk for way too long. 

My mood has been shifting. This morning I'm cranky. But I'm working on not letting it affect me, and am working on making it a good day. Of course it's easy to be a good fellow on a good day.  Being a good fellow on a bad day takes discipline. 

And there it is again. The Angst. The feeling that I'm missing my calling. That I'm missing out on something important. I can't tell what it is I'm supposed to do or experience- but I just 'know' that I should be doing it. How's that for existential torture?

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 326

I took a bit of Arginine before bed- it may have done me some good, it may not. Other factors did seem to help me sleep a bit more: it cooled off a bit last night. The result of which- I was seriously tempted to be late for work to allow for more sleep time.  But better sense prevailed.

I've decided that no matter how bad the day is, I'm going to work on making my day better. Every day is going to be a Good Day, Damn It!  Cranky again this morning- but I'm not going to let such affect me into a gloomy mood.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 327.

I've definitely been doing a bit better with the addition of the Arginine (500 mg) twice a week. It seems quite efficacious (along with all of the other Aminos) in helping me get a halfway decent night's sleep each night.  But I have to caution (myself mostly) it's not a cure.  The REAL cure will come along once my body resets itself. Once that occurs I'll work on getting off of the aminos. But since I notice when I miss an amino, it has an immediate effect (within a couple of hours) it won't take too long to get off of.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 328.

It appears that my successes on the job of late warranted some nitnoid retribution from life. Yesterday I had to try and remember how to meditate, as my body simply refused to nap. Last night as I fall asleep I'm woken  up just as I'm falling asleep by a neighbor dog barking. I relax and try to fall asleep again and I do so- whereupon a Turkey lands on the roof of my bedroom- waking me up again. Therefore- I get restless leg for the next hour.  Intermittent sleep and everful bladder.

I try not to get cranky today, and things just keep coming at me until I finally lose it and start shouting a very recalcitrant piece of equipment. In the end it turns out that the item in question is in worse shape than the part it was supposed to replace.

 

I've got a blasted headache since 3 days ago, my nose won't unstuff, I'm still finding it difficult to form words, I'm constantly having to backspace when typing.

 

But hey- it's Friday. It's all good. I'm still gonna laugh this off.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 329.

 

It was nice to sleep in this morning.  Along about 9 in the morning- the anxiety started to try and make life difficult. It did, but only for about 10 minutes. But even that wasn't difficult to suppress. It's rather akin to a telemarketer.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 330

Well this fourth window in 5 weeks has ended for sure. I held off on breakfast this morning, which meant I held off on taking the morning aminos- end result- all day fighting fatigue and anxiety attacks. My lumosity score has plummeted due to my inability to recall much- particularly when it comes to word bubble rising. (A spelling game).  Going through a dictionary after wards- the beginning of the word: UN, you'd think I'd have recalled all of the words if not most, instead I can only recall a handful.

 

The front deck collapsed in one spot i put my foot on. I tore part of it apart and felt overwhelmed by the amount of work necessary to put in a new(er) one. I've never done this before. But reading through a deck making book I can see where the original builder of the deck needs to get his ass kicked. Wherever he could hide his cost cutting- he did. Result- I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. In several spots it's unsupported.  Which means I'm gonna have to dig some space to put in a concrete footing to properly support. And I've noticed I've got a ton of crap underneath this deck. 

 

But using my Father's day present (gift card to a hardware store)(yeah I got it a week early- yay). I was able to get some items to shore up the back porch (which was also unsupported in a spot). It seems like every few weeks I discover  yet another way that this house was built cheapest.

 

So- lunch at Jungs (lots of animal proteins) seemed to help. The lemonade seemed to make me flare up anxiety wise- then died down when I was working on house projects.

 

But I refuse to let all of this get me down. Today was a good day. I finagled a way to get the back porch shored up- a task I'd let go for over 15 years. Instead of ignoring it, I did something and got creative with it.

I dozed in this morning. Worth it.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 331.

 

Definitely a window closed.  I've been having to relearn how to deal with constant anxiety attacks and fatigue. The fatigue comes and goes- at times I'm all set to lie down and nap. But if I stick it out the urge goes away after a bit.  It strikes me as one of the more annoying aspect (as if there's just one!) of recovery- you're tired, yet if you try to sleep, you get Cortisol Spikes to keep you from getting a decent rest. This crap is downright Fiendish in it's torturous aspects.

 

Even with all this- I'm determined to laugh it all off. I have to- I admire the imaginative ability of the 'intelligent designer' when it comes to finding new ways to torture humanity. And this 'recovery' really takes the cake. As I'm typing this, I can feel my arms start to burn. On the triceps side of course. Once again it's like the body is going through all of the withdrawal symptoms in rapid succession.  This morning I was nauseous, then an hour later I'm almost ravenous. A half hour later I'm sex minded, an hour later I'm an eunuch.

 

Kudos to the one's who not only came up with this, but to the ones who create such opportunities for us to suffer!  All in the name of Money.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 332.

 

For several hours last night- I slept like a log. I awoke with that sensation with the 'it's time to move' or feel pins and needles for a bit.  The first two hour stretch- like that, the next was 3 and a half hours, and surf doze for the next hour and a half. Kinda wish I could reverse that and make the last stretch like the first two hours.  Some day I shall- and when it does I shall thoroughly enjoy it.  Still this is an improvement.  All this without the use of Arginine. I've increased a bit in intake of Curry (Turmeric) and Black Beans in my diet- both of which seem to help- or maybe it's a coincidence.

The toe twitches in the evening have shifted- they seem to occur in the morning now- as I'm surf dozing. But, of late I've found I don't need to fight off falling asleep (while at work) of late- too much.  Of course last night's rain may/may not have done anything to help in that regard- natural coolness.