success ☼ Introducing Jemima

[basildev]

Jemima - how could anyone consider you a nuisance? This man is extremely insensitive and unappreciative. He should cherish each and every volunteer who comes his way, not treat them as though he's doing THEM a favour. If you're not being appreciated then I'd say it's time to move on. Maybe you can find another organization that is willing to show you some respect.

 

Melatonin made me very depressed too.

 

I hope you feel better soon. You've helped me and others in so many ways and you ARE appreciated here.

[Jemima]

Jemima - how could anyone consider you a nuisance? This man is extremely insensitive and unappreciative. He should cherish each and every volunteer who comes his way, not treat them as though he's doing THEM a favour. If you're not being appreciated then I'd say it's time to move on. Maybe you can find another organization that is willing to show you some respect.

 

Oddly, this is the way they treat nearly everyone.  Volunteer hours are doled out as if they're fine chocolates.  The more I think about this, the more I think it's time to move on.

 

Melatonin made me very depressed too.

 

Sorry this happened to you as well, but good to know my hunch may very well be right.

 

I hope you feel better soon. You've helped me and others in so many ways and you ARE appreciated here.

 

Thank you very much.  Alto and my fellow staff members have always made me feel valued here.

[basildev]

 

 

 Volunteer hours are doled out as if they're fine chocolates.

 

LOLOLLL!!!

 

Def. Time to say goodbye to them.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm sorry to hear this, Jemima. There is definitely a better place for you out there.

[Jemima]

I'm going to sleep on it, but I'll probably tell them I need to take a break from volunteering there to take care of some personal matters.  Like my sanity.  But I won't say that.

 

And thanks, Basildev and Barb.

[Karma]

Hi Jemima,

 

You are a rock star of a volunteer ... if they don't appreciate you, definitely move on ... or at the very least take a break.

 

I would feel conflicted tearing stickers off of children's drawings, too ... just because they refer to God doesn't mean they are trying to influence others, it is just the expression of the artist/child.  Are they trying to be agnostic?  It is one thing not to be affiliated with a specific religion, it is another to deny experssion.  That just seems over the top to me. 

 

Love you, Jemima. 

 

Karma

[Rhiannon]

I'm going to sleep on it, but I'll probably tell them I need to take a break from volunteering there to take care of some personal matters.  Like my sanity.  But I won't say that.

 

And thanks, Basildev and Barb.

Chuckling.O.L. (personal matters like my sanity.)

:-)

 

Seriously, Jemima, if this place doesn't appreciate you, move on! I guarantee there are places that would love to have someone like you as a volunteer. You have SO much to offer. 

 

And we definitely, definitely appreciate you here! You're priceless! (which is good, since we have no money to pay you with...)

[Jemima]

Hi Jemima,

 

You are a rock star of a volunteer ... if they don't appreciate you, definitely move on ... or at the very least take a break.

 

I would feel conflicted tearing stickers off of children's drawings, too ... just because they refer to God doesn't mean they are trying to influence others, it is just the expression of the artist/child.  Are they trying to be agnostic?  It is one thing not to be affiliated with a specific religion, it is another to deny experssion.  That just seems over the top to me. 

 

Love you, Jemima. 

 

Karma

 

Thanks, Karma.  I'm beginning to think this place doesn't want anyone to really shine, because then the rest of them would have to work harder.  I've been in situations like this before where I've been hated for working hard  and being good at what I do.  It's an ugly, uncomfortable scene.

 

I agree about the drawings.  It's one thing to maintain neutrality about religion, but this strikes me as actively anti-Christian. (On the other hand, they had a "Happy Hanukah" banner up in the dining room over the holidays, no doubt to suck up to the new executive director, who is Jewish.  Maybe the policy on religion depends on who you are more than what you believe.)

 

I've already cancelled my hours for this coming Thursday and plan to do so for the following week if I need to think this over longer.  I hope to have other plans in place soon.  A new acquaintance has been encouraging me to volunteer at the retirement community where she leads activities, and as soon as I get my sleep problems straightened out, I'm going to follow up on that.

 

Love you, too.

[Jemima]

 

I'm going to sleep on it, but I'll probably tell them I need to take a break from volunteering there to take care of some personal matters.  Like my sanity.  But I won't say that.

 

And thanks, Basildev and Barb.

 

Chuckling.O.L. (personal matters like my sanity.)

:-)

 

Seriously, Jemima, if this place doesn't appreciate you, move on! I guarantee there are places that would love to have someone like you as a volunteer. You have SO much to offer. 

 

And we definitely, definitely appreciate you here! You're priceless! (which is good, since we have no money to pay you with...)

 

 

Thanks, Rhi.  My ego needs all the support it can get right now.

[Jemima]

Aside from feeling some relief from cancelling my volunteer hours this coming Thursday, stopping the Melatonin seems to have helped.  I'm not sure how long it takes for this stuff to get completely out of one's system, but I no longer feel as groggy and depressed.  I actually have had several hours of a good, normal window today, although I was still tired and stayed in bed a long time.  Had trouble getting to sleep and finally took an antihistamine at 3:15 AM and another upon waking again at 6:00 AM, and I don't know what influence that has had on my state of mind.  I really need to get back on a regular, "normal" schedule so I can get involved in more daytime activities.

[Skyler]

Aside from feeling some relief from cancelling my volunteer hours this coming Thursday, stopping the Melatonin seems to have helped.  I'm not sure how long it takes for this stuff to get completely out of one's system, but I no longer feel as groggy and depressed.  I actually have had several hours of a good, normal window today, although I was still tired and stayed in bed a long time.  Had trouble getting to sleep and finally took an antihistamine at 3:15 AM and another upon waking again at 6:00 AM, and I don't know what influence that has had on my state of mind.  I really need to get back on a regular, "normal" schedule so I can get involved in more daytime activities.

 

Hi Jemima... I had an experience with melatonin similar to that which you describe... I stopped taking it and the groggy feelings were gone in a day or two.

 

Re: the food bank...  just another affirmation you did the right thing.  Hopefully the new executive director will become the wiser and take action.

 

Skyler

[Jemima]

Hi Jemima... I had an experience with melatonin similar to that which you describe... I stopped taking it and the groggy feelings were gone in a day or two.

 

Re: the food bank...  just another affirmation you did the right thing.  Hopefully the new executive director will become the wiser and take action.

 

Skyler

 

 

Thanks for the support, Skyler.  The more I think about it, the more I think that this particular organization favors the mediocre, the people who go along to get along, just like in many big corporations.  Maybe it's a personal flaw of mine, but I like to be recognized for a job well done and this place has so many volunteers we're all just faces in the crowd.

 

Good to know the Melatonin effects wear off in a few days.  I'm SO tired of feeling down.

[Dani]

Just wanted to send you tons of ((hugs))

[Jemima]

Thanks, Dani.  Hugs are good!

[Jemima]

So, it looks like a lot of my problems with feeling apathetic and sad these past few months had to do with taking Melatonin and/or antihistamines (diphenhydramine) for sleep.  I stopped the Melatonin two days ago and stopped the antihistamine a day later and I feel remarkably better.  I hate to think that all this drooping around the past few months was due to sleeping meds, but it's possible that's been the problem rather than drawn-out withdrawal.  I feel a small spark of interest in things I used to like to do, such as browsing the thrift stores and fixing up my house.  I'm almost afraid to hope that this is the end of withdrawal after all this time.

[Rhiannon]

Watching from out here, watching the course of your recovery, it seems to me reasonable to hope that it's mostly done and from here on in is mostly fine-tuning.  Although I wouldn't be surprised if there are still waves from time to time, especially as you explore your new limits and push the envelope a bit, you seem to me to be firmly on the path of recovery.

[basildev]

That sounds very promising Jemima.

 

I hope you continue to improve

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Jemima

 

I have just finished reading all of your thread and I am amazed at your transformation and what you have accomplished. I am particularly interested at how you have transitioned into retirement and the activities you have started. I remember early on how you stopped into my thread and gave me kind and comforting words. I just want you to know how much I admire and appreciate you!

[Jemima]

Thanks very much for the encouragement.  Right now I'm struggling with not having my life all back together already, silly as that is!

[Skyler]

Thanks very much for the encouragement.  Right now I'm struggling with not having my life all back together already, silly as that is!

 

Treat it like the adventure it is... a time to find new and better opportunities.  Reach for your stars, they are up there.

[Jemima]

Watching from out here, watching the course of your recovery, it seems to me reasonable to hope that it's mostly done and from here on in is mostly fine-tuning.  Although I wouldn't be surprised if there are still waves from time to time, especially as you explore your new limits and push the envelope a bit, you seem to me to be firmly on the path of recovery.

 

What's really worrying me is that the creative spark I used to have just doesn't seem to have bounced back.  I catch a glimmer of it from time to time, but that's all.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am beginning to think that our 'creative spark' has to heal too, and it also has windows (spark) and waves (no spark).

[Jemima]

I am beginning to think that our 'creative spark' has to heal too, and it also has windows (spark) and waves (no spark).

 

I think you're right, and I also think that positive emotions and the creative spark are the last normal functions to come back.  It makes sense in that these aspects of being human are probably the highest and most complex functions of the mind and spirit, but it's really getting me down that I still don't feel anything after nineteen months.  I used to have a long list of projects I wanted to do, and now I can only think of one or two things, and with little enthusiasm I might add.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

In my case, my creative spark is still there but not in ways I have been used to and as such, my 'recovery' may be highly atypical. It is not even a year yet since my CT. As little as 2 or 3 weeks ago I got all enthused about trying some really neat DIY lighting projects while I started painting the house. I hit a wave full speed at 90 miles an hour and ended up with that gut wrenching pain again and darn near lost it. Picking my way through the pieces found me rethinking my whole crafty life (you've seen my thread?) and in letting go of that old stuff is letting me see a glimmer of a different life. It will be back I know. My desire to keep some of the beads (the good ones) tells me so. But I am not ready for them yet. AND the house is still in disarray because I'm only just getting my strength back and my emotions straightened out (again!)

 

I dragged out the knitting needles (not my craft), suffered thru my mom telling me AGAIN how to cast on, threw 40 st on some size 13's with some beautiful slightly eyelashy bulky yarn I bought at the thrift store way back just because I liked the color and am calling it a scarf. K 2 rows, P 2 rows except I goofed and kept on K'ing too many because I can't tell which one I'm supposed to do. But no pulling it out, even for a dropped st. No abandoning it because it's not good enough or I want a different color or it's too wide or too narrow or or or or or. My mind is going nuts on stuff I am thinking of doing when I'm done. But the scarf gets done first, fringe and all and then ceremoniously donated to the thrift shop lady. Then I'll see.

 

I know the old me would never have started knitting that yarn. I'd go on to sexier crafts and end up donating it back to the same thrift store. Baby steps for me. Till I hit the wall again and it's rinse and repeat. Such is life.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

cymbaltawithdrawal5600, on 21 Jul 2013 - 8:04 PM, said:

I am beginning to think that our 'creative spark' has to heal too, and it also has windows (spark) and waves (no spark).

 

I think you're right, and I also think that positive emotions and the creative spark are the last normal functions to come back.

 

I came back to your thread this morning to re-read this. There was a time in my life where I would be overjoyed to hear the words 'I think you're right' but the wheels came off with the words 'last normal function'. That puts me 'up in my head' and my sciency brain wheels start spinning and I start chewing on the problem of 'when will I be recovered?' I don't like those feelings and my way of coping when that happens is to look at the calendar and say that not enough time has passed, I'm not 'recovered' yet. Pressure off. Nothing to do except wait for time to pass and just keep doing the next indicated thing. Walk the dogs and K 2 more rows and learn to just BE with myself as I am.

 

So much of 'recovery thinking' seems to focus on getting our 'mojo' back and I wail just as loudly as all the rest about my lost spark. The spark is really there, it's just hidden under mounds of thoughts and emotions and 'past history'. No waiting for any higher function to come back because I don't think it went anywhere except underground for a bit. (Psychic pain trumps creative thinking.) I started raking a few leaves (gave away craft projects I started years ago), picked up the crappy knitting and am still reeling from the transformation in my inner landscape. I am in the process of creating a life where I don't have to get psychoactive drugs to 'manage' my feelings. Knitting may be my pill and in the nebulous future it may still be my pill or maybe exercise or church or volunteering or all of it in the context of a life without meds.

 

I wonder what would happen if you told yourself that you are not allowed to do ANY creative projects for the NEXT nineteen months? Or not do any of the things you 'think' you want to do based on some idea from the past? I sorta did that when I dumped those other projects. The world opened up a bit.

 

A weird thought just came to me: in all those years of going to the med Dr. I never saw anyone knitting in the waiting room.  I think the thing about it is that it is so portable and has a high acceptability factor, even for men. Take knitting to a waiting room and it's a magnet for the ladies to come over and see what you are doing and to talk to you about themselves. That's what I crave, human contact and acceptance. The knitting can go to he11 and I won't care.

[Jemima]

Well, now you've blown it and I have to disagree with you.  Due to the CNS restructuring that happens with antidepressants, which destroys some neurons and grows some new ones, it's my opinion that the creative spark actually does go away on a temporary basis.  As the brain restores itself, normal feelings come back, but very gradually and they are interspersed with what we call "neuro-emotions", or false emotions that occur as the brain heals (usually negative feelings like anxiety and depression which are not in reaction to anything in the environment).  Perhaps Cymbalta is different since it's a combination of SSRI and SNRI antidepressants, but I know all too personally that Lexapro, an SSRI, deadens the emotions and that this takes a long time to heal.

 

I did have a passing creative idea last night having to do with a convenience meal I often make, and that gives me hope.  For now, however, I'm trying to get my sleep back on track, do at least the bare minimum of shopping and cleaning, and use whatever distractions work, without guilt (for me this usually means spending a bundle on books).  Doing needlepoint and being with people also help.  It's just so frustrating to have this stage of recovery last so long!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

Well, now you've blown it and I have to disagree with you.

 

I love this!!! What I was trying to do (and it appears not too well) is speak to a more 'practical' side of dealing with recovery and the creative spark in my situation and what I find happening right now. For all I know, my brain may be permanently trashed from CT Cymbalta and I never have looked at what the Lamictal might be affecting. And for that matter, 8 years of drinking gallons of diet soda and smoking 2 packs of cigs a day and not eating well and getting too little sleep. What the scientific studies say is not very much of a comfort (nor do they readily come to mind) when, after hours of the same boring comp solitaire games while my mind is trying to make sense of my situation, I start thinking of something different to DO and I think "What happened to my creativity? Why don't I want to make something with beads anymore? Why don't I FEEL like it?"

 

I was all fired up when I started the painting (actually felt I was recovered already!) and found my spark turned into a freaking inferno when, while waiting for the paint to dry, I started the DIY lighting diversion instead of comp sol. Woke up one morning in a quivvering puddle on the floor, in the terrible grip of neuro-something. So back to basics, stop pushing so hard. Couldn't find a scientific study to comfort myself because I didn't have a name for what happened, really. My brain craves scientific validation for what I am feeling. I am giving it different stuff (the crafting saga in my thread) and it is giving me some surprising stuff back. My comment to you was my roundabout way of trying offer the benefit of my insight to you. Such as it was.

 

My creative spark is a capricious, sneaky thing. It crept up on me when I least expected it and fried my a$$ good. And then it morphed into a new dimension. I'm just too wiped out for it right now so it is not bugging me (much).

[Rhiannon]

 

I am beginning to think that our 'creative spark' has to heal too, and it also has windows (spark) and waves (no spark).

 

I think you're right, and I also think that positive emotions and the creative spark are the last normal functions to come back.  It makes sense in that these aspects of being human are probably the highest and most complex functions of the mind and spirit, but it's really getting me down that I still don't feel anything after nineteen months.  I used to have a long list of projects I wanted to do, and now I can only think of one or two things, and with little enthusiasm I might add.

 

 

I know how discouraging it must be to you, but Jemima, I've watched you come through this intense withdrawal process and make consistent progress (in of course the roller coaster kind of way it goes).  I know it feels like forever, but really it seems to me, after all the people I've watched go through this stuff, like you're right on time. In fact you're doing really well.

 

It sure looks to me like you're continuing to heal and change and recover.  I think you're going to get it all back. It just takes time. Way too much time. 

[Jemima]

Thanks so much, Rhi. That's especially reassuring coming from you. Yes, it takes way, way too much time.

[Jemima]

Two months later: some improvement, but not back to normal yet.  This stage of recovery reminds me of trying to peel one of those maddening hardboiled eggs that seem to have had the shell and membrane applied with Superglue.  Some more small chips have fallen away so there have been more glimpses of contentment and even optimism since I posted last, but no dazzling return of the creative spark.  I have had a number of dreams about getting some really nice new clothes though, which has been of no interest at all since I went into withdrawal, and I wonder if that's a hint that the old artistic me is working its way to the surface.

 

At this point, I am convinced that I'll "get it all back", as Rhi said, but I've got no idea when.  I had been hoping for the end of this year, which would make it about two years, but trying to guess seems pointless.  I'm just grateful to be having more good windows, however brief.

[alex]

.  I have had a number of dreams about getting some really nice new clothes though, which has been of no interest at all since I went into withdrawal, and I wonder if that's a hint that the old artistic me is working its way to the surface.

 

ABSOLUTELY!!

 

You are one of my guiding stars in this process.

I am also convinced that we'll get it all back.

 

Great post J, thank you.

[Jemima]

Well, I'm having a really rotten day today, but I guess that's all a part of this roller coaster ride. I cancelled out on my sewing group today and crawled back under the covers until nearly noon, including sleeping for about another hour. I still seem to need nine to ten hours of sleep a night. I have an eye doctor appointment this afternoon and I suspect that may be making me very tense.  Ever since I was in withdrawal I've been very pessimistic and nervous about doctor appointments.

 

I'm in one of those "this will never end" moods, I'm afraid.

[Jemima]

P.S.  Thanks for the encouragement, Alex.  I'm sorry if my follow-up is discouraging, but that seems to be the nature of this beast.

[dalsaan]

Hi Jemima

 

It might be good to focus on how far you've come rather that dwell on not being fully there yet. This wave will pass and you are getting glimmers of real prospects ahead. I know for me, I'd hate to be standing in the shoes I was in when I first signed up here - clueless, symptoms out of control, wondering if I was crazy and feeling like I was the only person experiencing this

 

Dalsaan

[Jemima]

Thanks, Dalsaan.  You're right, of course, and I have come a long, long way from the wreck I was in early withdrawal, less than two years ago. I really should be thankful that this is a temporary condition, too.  Imagine being stuck in withdrawal for the rest of our lives!

 

Good to see you back on the forum again.

[alex]

I'm in one of those "this will never end" moods, I'm afraid.

 

 

It is VERY important that you "know" what is going on.

This only phrase of yours has helped me a lot...

And I absolutely agree with Dalsaan.

 

Hugs,A.