success ☼ Introducing Jemima

[tezza]

I'm sorry you're going through this frustration, Jemima. I, so, wish my creativity would heal! I used to LOVE creating things!

 

I did wood-burning, drawing, painting, floral arrangements, sewing and so much more! My youngest son (who lived here through the worst of my WD) has suggested to me several times, I need to do those things because I'm in WD.

 

I used to make something out of nothing and it was a natural thing for me. Motivation for cleaning house has come back but only on some days. I don't 'feel' the unction to be creative and I miss that, I think my son might, too (or maybe he just remembers how happy I was doing those things).

 

It's a good thing that you can sleep those hours, J. Your body is healing as you sleep, God made us to do so. Just don't be too hard on yourself and remember you are still healing.

 

Hugs and love, tezza

[Jemima]

Thanks for the sympathy, Tezza.  I guess I'm just getting impatient again.  I used to do a lot of the creative things you mention and I miss that so much! (Forcing myself to do it doesn't work.)  I read somewhere the other night that "when you're 95% done you're halfway there", and the author was referring to how unending the last stretch of getting something done seems in comparison with starting and the middle.  How well that applies to withdrawal!

 

I'm getting really tired of being so wrapped up in myself, although I'm not sure how to get out of that. It seems I've been concentrating on how I feel and what will make me feel better for so long that I'm getting sick of myself.  I spent several days this week just holed up, sleeping a lot, and reading, and that just seems to feed on itself.  I cancelled several social engagements and am tempted to do the same this afternoon, but by gum, I'm going!  It won't kill me to go out with a couple of friends for a few hours.

 

I did have a few moments of feeling really, really good this week.  All too brief, but it encourages me to know that I can still reach that point.

[Barbarannamated]

A few moments of "Really, really good" sounds really, really good, Jemima!

 

When I force myself to do something I used to enjoy, it often backfires. If I get no pleasure or interest in something that was previously *a sure thing*, I feel more defeated.

 

Your words always provide support. Thank you.

[Jemima]

I've been in a holding pattern for most of the time since my last post, even feeling a bit worse for the past few weeks.  I stupidly tried a supplement (Suntheanine) back then and after three days I started experiencing neuro-anxiety again and am still feeling it at times.  How embarrassing, after all the lecturing I've done about not trying to rush the recovery process with supplements!  I'm not sure if this slight downswing is due to that or if it's just another waves-and-windows phase.  I did have some good moments and even hours before trying the supplement, and am having occasional creative thoughts, although without any follow-through in action as yet.

 

I'm trying to do what Dalsaan said and keep in mind how far I've come.  I was a nervous wreck this time last year and just beginning to go through hellish withdrawal the year before that. At least now I'm getting out a lot, going to writers' group, playing cards, volunteering, et cetera.  I still seem to need a lot of time alone, but that's always been the case.  I'm probably out and about now more than I've ever been.

 

Deep down I apparently believe I'll just wake up one day all recovered, but this process seems to always go in fits and starts and back and forth. You'd think I'd know that by now, too.

 

I feel a sense of relief just getting my recent experience written down.  It seems to help me figure out what's going on. I guess these past six or so weeks have just been another baby step on the road back.

[Barbarannamated]

You sound good, Jemima. To be able to get out and socializing seems like significant improvement. May I ask....where are you connecting with and meeting new people?

 

B

[Jemima]

I found the writers' group at the library, which is an unusual library, as much a community center as it is a place to borrow books. It also offers book clubs, concerts, discussion groups, and special events. I met two of my newer friends through the writers' group and we go out to dinner twice a month, once after the writers' group (third Sunday of the month) and on the first Friday of the month. I was also invited to a sewing group by another member whose mother is close to my age, and now I often go there on Tuesdays. They, in turn, have included me in their monthly dinners out and a woman at the girls' night out invited me to her Red Hat group, although that hasn't worked out well and I'm trying to figure out how to get out of it.

 

Meetup has been another source. I haven't actually attended any meetups yet, but plan to try a games night next Saturday evening.

 

The over-55 development where I live offers some social activities such as catered dinners, luncheons out, and card games.  One woman I met at Canasta invited me to her church, which sounds like it might be a very good fit for me. They have a lot of activities including feeding the poor and homeless, which is what I've been so desperately seeking.

 

Finding social activities that you like is a lot like dating - you do your best to choose well, but you still end up kissing a lot of toads. I tried one book club at the library that really turned me off, the Red Hat group was a senseless bore, and I doubt that I'll continue with the sewing group indefinitely. I probably will also quit my current volunteer work at a (very nice) retirement community when I find something that allows me to help needy people.

 

I'm still not satisfied with my life because just having a full social schedule doesn't give me the sense of purpose that I seem to need. This week I'll be starting an online course to brush up on web programming, which is a need expressed on the website of the church I mentioned above, and would probably open doors to other volunteer opportunities.  At least it will give me something interesting to do twice a week for the next six weeks and there's another, more advanced course I want to take after this one.  After all this searching and experimenting I'm going to be especially grateful when I find my niche.

 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Jemima,

 

It is so nice to see you posting and it sounds as though things are picking up for you. Whenever creativity or crafts are mentioned, I always think of you. I have been having the worst time even thinking of picking up my beading again, perhaps this is because of WD, I do not know. Even going to a couple of craft shows last week and today left me feeling awful for some reason, not eager and excited like I usually am.

 

I see you are also doing some activities and getting into something new. Your reactions sound generally positive. I am forcing myself to do some things and the result has been really uncomfortable at times. Darn emotions keep getting in the way. Reading your comments gives me hope that what I am feeling is temporary. It is one thing to have lack of motivation and flatness of feelings, quite another to have feelings of anxiety and alarm and dread instead while doing things that used to bring a kind of excitement and joy. I just can't believe that it might not come back.

 

You have been off meds longer than I have so maybe I can take heart that things will change for me too.

[Jemima]

I've experienced those feelings of alarm and dread that you describe and I'm 99.99% certain that they are due to withdrawal.

 

I've had some creative ideas lately that feel good, although I haven't done anything much about them except to thaw one of my homemade favorite foods for tomorrow and Monday's dinner and vow to make mashed potatoes to go with it. I even washed the entire bag of organic potatoes tonight. Might not sound like much, but it's progress for me.

 

One of the things I've found so difficult in withdrawal is that in attempting to do some things that I used to do with ease is that I get this "I don't wanna!!! I mean I REALLY DON'T WANNA!!!!!!" kicking and screaming sort of resistance sensation and sure enough, I don't do it.  That is gradually fading, but it still comes and goes.

 

Everything about recovery from antidepressants seems to come in teeny-tiny baby steps between waves.  The windows and waves get more and more subtle as I recover, but they're still operating.

 

Tonight I actually feel like watching a bit of TV (it's Britcom night on PBS) and maybe working on my needlepoint.  A definite improvement.

 

I see you've only been off the Cymbalta for a bit over a year. It's now going on 23 months for me, and last year this time I was still very shaky and having a lot of very noticeable waves and windows.  There is definitely a lot of hope that you'll be this far along next year this time.  It just takes soooooo daaaaarn looooong....

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Jemima,

 

I can't tell you how much your reply has meant to me. All of the bravado and self assurance I had has left me during this current wave and it started with the craft show I was supposed to do. I had the exact same reaction you described 'I just don't wanna'! And it was so disheartening and confusing because that was the only thing I have ever been able to count on to bring me some good feelings and my dread of it came as such a shock, like I have nothing left in life. I kept thinking of you and how you were feeling the lack of creativity because most everything had come back in your life. It is nice to hear that it might be coming back and you sound as though things are reaching a new level for you.

 

I'll take that 99.99% assurance that what I'm feeling is WD, I need that to hang on to. I am just not having any good feelings at all right now and no hope. Almost like I have done something wrong and I can't figure out what. Ever since starting that meditation class I've been crying and I don't think things are supposed to be this way. Everything seems like it is going to be this way forever. I guess that is just the nature of this thing. Trouble is, I don't know what I am going to recover TO. I don't want to be the person I was in the past but I have no idea if I will be a better, more mature person who has more patience and tolerance and not go back to the person who chose to take meds.

 

Thanks for taking the time to tell me of your experience. I guess all I can do is wait this out. Nothing I do seems to make much difference because the feelings are no indicator of any good direction in which to go. Standing still and waiting just somehow seems wrong.

[Barbarannamated]

Jemima and CW,

 

Thank you so much for the "I DON'T WANNA!" experience. That happens to me a lot and I think I'm subconsciously afraid to TRY for fear of dreading something that previously was something I could count on to be enjoyable or at least a good distraction.

 

B

[Petunia]

Thank you so much for the "I DON'T WANNA!" experience.

 

Yes thank you.  I don't wanna do anything, and haven't since the beginning of this 'thing', and as much as possible, I haven't.  Its felt protective, like I've been protecting my body from any possible source of stress, because instinctively I know I can't handle any more.

 

Maybe my instincts are broken along with my nervous system, but I don't regret my decision to be this way because slowly, I'm starting to do things again, very slowly and the dread associated with doing things is decreasing now.  Its taking much longer than I ever expected.

 

Jemima, I hope you soon recover from your Suntheanine experiment.

[alex]

Finding social activities that you like is a lot like dating - you do your best to choose well, but you still end up kissing a lot of toads.

 

 

 

Hahahaha!! you made me laugh J! it is so true....

You sound good Jemima;I am 8 months behind you, and you are an inspiration to keep on going.

 

Hugs, A.

[Jemima]

 

Thank you so much for the "I DON'T WANNA!" experience.

 

Yes thank you.  I don't wanna do anything, and haven't since the beginning of this 'thing', and as much as possible, I haven't.  Its felt protective, like I've been protecting my body from any possible source of stress, because instinctively I know I can't handle any more.

 

Maybe my instincts are broken along with my nervous system, but I don't regret my decision to be this way because slowly, I'm starting to do things again, very slowly and the dread associated with doing things is decreasing now.  Its taking much longer than I ever expected.

 

Jemima, I hope you soon recover from your Suntheanine experiment.

 

 

I think you're right in following your "I-don't-WANNA" inclinations.  Every time I sign up for too many activities, I either end up frazzled and irritable or cancelling a lot of them, which makes me feel bad, too.  At this point, I think I can handle a moderately intense social situation (more than a a few casual words with a cashier, but something less than intimacy) about every other day, so I'm going to schedule things accordingly and see how it goes. I've spent far too many days in bed recently because I was wearing myself out.

 

It seems so many of the things that are prescribed for depression--socializing, coffee, exercising, and so on--just don't work all that well for withdrawal, even though it often feels like depression. Despite all the mistakes I've made, I think it's best to listen to your body and follow your own individual inclinations as much as possible both during and after withdrawal.

 

I think if I could find something that would give my life some purpose and meaning a lot of this stuff would fall into place. For the past eleven or more years, I've mostly been involved in work, volunteer or paid, that was service-oriented.  Now that I don't have that, I'm really floundering for direction. (Please note this is not to say that being a mod/admin here isn't meaningful.  I just need something in real life with coworkers and clients that amounts to something like a part time job.) 

[Barbarannamated]

Jemima,

 

I relate strongly to your last paragraph, floundering while searching for a sense of purpose. I was never able to find that after losing my career. I suspect the drugs greatly interfered with my ability to feel connected to and follow through with new endeavors. You have made significant progress (judging by your busy schedule!) and I'm sure you'll find your new purpose. I think it may be a bit more of a challenge for people who derive a sense of purpose from serving and helping others, perhaps due to lack of structured feedback from those being helped..? ( I hope that makes sense. Fuzzy day.)

[Jemima]

I've done this kind of work before and the lack of feedback wasn't a problem. It just seems like I'm having trouble finding a place where I'd fit in and there would be a need for someone to put in several days' effort a week.  I think I've already talked about the problem with overboard religious neutrality and parceling out volunteer hours that I ran into while serving meals at one soup kitchen.  The one other possibility I checked out is run by one man whose family seems to be more than a bit screwed up and I don't want to get caught up in that, especially since I attend a sewing group with his wife and daughter. There are churches that do occasional work with soup kitchens in the city, but nothing regular that I've found so far, although I did learn of one local church that helps to support both a food pantry and a shelter and I plan to look into that.  I know there are other kinds of volunteer work, but I have an especially soft spot for the poor and homeless.

 

I've also decided to brush up on my webmaster skills because that seems to be something that churches and charities need. My first class starts this Wednesday.

[Altostrata]

That would be an excellent position for your volunteering, J!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Jemima,

 

I have seen a couple of posts from you recently but nothing like an update in your thread and I was wondering how you are doing?

[Jemima]

I've been really busy taking refresher classes in web programming, plus I just got sort of burned out on the forum and needed a break. I'll be updating soon. Maybe even writing my success story.

[alex]

 

I just got sort of burned out on the forum and needed a break.

 

I can understand that; absolutely.

It is good to hear from you again, anyway.

 

Hugs, A.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for checking in, Jemima. I figured it was burn out, it can get pretty sad reading all of the stories here, so much suffering. But occasional glimmers of hope and healing. I am glad to hear that you are one of the success stories and look forward to reading yours.

[Jemima]

I'm not quite ready to write my success story, but here's an update.  

 

I seem to be almost completely over the physical after-effects of withdrawal, with only occasional, mild, manageable waves.  My problem with writing a success story is that on some level I must have expected everything to just fall into place once withdrawal was over, but it isn't that way at all.  I've lost two and a half years of my life, and that at a crucial stage--my first years after retirement. I've discovered that many people have trouble adjusting to retirement and often take two to three years to restructure their lives satisfactorily, so withdrawal has left me way back there near the starting gate. I know that I don't want to spend my remaining years just amusing myself, that I need a sense of purpose and accomplishment, but I'm at a loss as to what to do or where to look.

 

The weather has been adding to the problem. I had some social activities lined up that were at least interesting and getting me out of the house, but I've had to cancel about 90% of them because of severe cold, freezing rain, or snow.  I had to go out today to keep a couple of appointments and get some groceries and it was an exercise in frustration between the cold making me ache and a strong wind that made it difficult to do ordinary things like get the mail without having it blow all over creation and keep the car door open so I could put the groceries inside. I tried to sign up for the Saturday night board games meetup after I got home, but the Meetup.com website is out of order. Yet I shouldn't complain--we have been very fortunate in that there haven't been any power outages in my area or any personal emergencies.

 

I'm reading a book about depression by Tim LaHaye, a well-known Christian author, and he believes that depression is based on self-pity and that the antidote is gratitude, so I'm trying very hard these days to see the glass as half-full.

[Meimeiquest]

Lots of good things mixed in there with the long winter! You will get there! If you like LaHaye on gratitude, you might like 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Tucked in her prose, you will find that she has faced her own mental health issues. She blogs at aholyexperience.com...some is fabulous and some not quite so much. Really glad at least your outer shell is getting there!

[tezza]

Hi J,

 

Thanks for the update! I hope you feel ready to write your success story soon.

 

I'm glad you didn't lose power but that weather sounds very brutal! We've had some colder than normal temps here this winter, too. The wind can make it unbearable and dangerous because of frostbite.

 

The Tim LaHaye book sounds interesting and that concept goes along with my theory about when I began to notice a huge improvement in my mood.

 

Stay warm!

[Jemima]

Lots of good things mixed in there with the long winter! You will get there! If you like LaHaye on gratitude, you might like 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Tucked in her prose, you will find that she has faced her own mental health issues. She blogs at aholyexperience.com...some is fabulous and some not quite so much. Really glad at least your outer shell is getting there!

 

Thanks for the tips!  I downloaded the Kindle version of 1000 Gifts in preparation for another snowstorm on Monday and looked up Ann's blog.  I found this quote, which is just what I needed: "Do whatever’s the next thing. Do whatever He puts in front of you and do it with great love and this is what makes any day, any life, anybody great. Miracles keep happening in the mundane."  I keep looking for something to come along like big volunteer projects I've done in the past, but doing what the Lord puts in front of me every day as well as I can makes a lot of sense. (Like I could show up here more often.... )

 

 

EDITED TO ADD:  The link in this post has since been changed on the blog site.  So in other words, don't click on it because you'll get something I didn't intend.

[Jemima]

Hi J,

 

Thanks for the update! I hope you feel ready to write your success story soon.

 

I'm glad you didn't lose power but that weather sounds very brutal! We've had some colder than normal temps here this winter, too. The wind can make it unbearable and dangerous because of frostbite.

 

The Tim LaHaye book sounds interesting and that concept goes along with my theory about when I began to notice a huge improvement in my mood.

 

Stay warm!

 

Thanks, Tezza.

 

With my problems being intermixed the way they are, I'm not sure where to draw the line and say, "Ah, success!"  I really think most of the physical part of withdrawal is over, but there's more to recovery than that.  How much more, I'm not at all sure.  If I wait until my life is close to perfect, I may not live long enough to write the success story, and I really want to because so many people are hungry for that encouragement. Yet I still feel too dissatisfied with my life to honestly feel that I'm successful at this point. Agh! Frustration!

 

And here comes another snowstorm on Monday!

[mammaP]

Just for a millisecond there I felt outrage at the statement by LaHaye that depression is 

self pity, then remembered that chemical imbalance is a myth!  It was strange how quick 

indignation reared it's head! Thinking about it he has a point, people with a half 

empty glass all the time will be depressed. 

 

I'm glad that your withdrawal is over and am sure that you'll find something worthwhile and 

interesting to do with your retirement. You have a lot going for you and a lot to offer people. 

 

We have been very fortunate here this winter,, it has been very mild but only in this little corner

of the UK. Many people have lost everything with adverse weather, 

[Jemima]

I don't think Tim LaHaye means that *all* depression is caused by self-pity, but that it's one of the more common causes.  He also acknowledges that depression can set in once a person has achieved an important goal (like retirement or getting a degree, but not having a project or job lined up) and that it can be caused by physical problems like a hormonal imbalance. I wouldn't trust anybody who said that all depression comes from only one cause. 

 

I do know that I've always been a critic, habitually looking for what's wrong with the picture, and while that served me well as an auditor, it's not a great way to live. It's so easy for those of us in the developed countries to forget that we're rich beyond the wildest dreams of the many people on this earth who live from hand to mouth and suffer from horrible, preventable diseases.

[tezza]

We are very spoiled and it doesn't take us long to get used to new things. I remember when my mom and I went to a meeting to learn about a new way of cooking - the microwave. Now, it's almost a necessity and so many other things we've grown accustomed to in the past 50 years are too.

 

I agree, depression can be caused by other things, especially situations. I get what you're saying about the timing and it being difficult to determine where you are (for lack of a better way to say). You've definitely come a long way, already.

 

I'm glad the physical part is past!

[Jemima]

Me, too!

 

BTW, the book that Meimeiquest recommended above is excellent and I came across another one that was too good to pass up while I was looking up 1000 Gifts. This is also written from a strongly Christian perspective:  You're Going To Be Okay

by Holley Gerth.

Edited March 2, 2014 by Altostrata
fixed link

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am glad you are back here posting again, I missed you. What you said above about being a critic is me too. Inherited from my dad. It is surely not helping me much when I could use some good thoughts right now. I envy you your faith.

[Jemima]

Thanks, CW.  I had to force myself to come back and start reading posts, but after a few days it began to be satisfying again.  I've been moping around for months because I wanted some worthwhile volunteer work to do, and I'm wondering now if this has been it all along. I keep forgetting that I can't physically do a lot of the things I did ten years ago, like heaving cases of canned goods around at the emergency food pantry. It seems life never happens the way I plan or expect anyway, so I'm trying to convince myself to just relax and see where this next phase (retirement) leads.

 

Faith, like a muscle, has to be exercised to get stronger. You might want to read the two books I've mentioned above, especially You'll Be Okay. I learned my severe self-criticism from my father, too, and it's not an easy thing to overcome. I read lots of Christian books to keep going and as soon as this awful weather clears up, I intend to go church-shopping since my previous church hasn't been much help or support at all through my ordeal with antidepressant withdrawal. (I hope I'm not proselytizing here.  I seem to remember that you do have some Christian background and inclinations, however shaky.)

 

Anyway, the welcome back is much appreciated.  I hope you'll soon be seeing some improvement.

[Petunia]

I'm also glad you are back Jemima. When I'm going through my bad waves and can't be any help here, I hope that plenty of other members are still logging on regularly to provide support and encouragement. So knowing you are back is good.

 

 I read lots of Christian books to keep going and as soon as this awful weather clears up, I intend to go church-shopping since my previous church hasn't been much help or support at all through my ordeal with antidepressant withdrawal. (I hope I'm not proselytizing here.....

 

I think that a little proselytizing on our own thread is allowable  not that you were.

 

Like CW, I also envy your faith, I used to go to church, but there was a change of leadership and I no longer related to a lot of what was said.  If I didn't feel so bad in the mornings, when services are held, I would try again.

 

I recently bought a book called "When Beliefs Fail - A Psychology of Hope", but I've only just started reading it.

[Jemima]

Thanks for the welcome back, Petu.

 

I do hope you'll give church another try someday.  There are a few that have evening services on Sunday (usually Baptist) and some Lutheran churches have what's called a "fisherman's service" late Saturday afternoons. The book "You're Going To Be Okay" by Holley Gerth is just awesome, and so is "1000 Gifts", both mentioned above.

 

A few nights ago, I read something C.S. Lewis said that really hit home for me. It went something like, 'If you look at your life on earth as something that is supposed to make you happy, you'll be very disappointed.  If you look at it as training, that makes it a lot more understandable and bearable.' That resonated with me. When  you get to the end of your own withdrawal experience, I think you'll look back and see how much you've changed in a very good way.

[alex]

I'm also glad you are back Jemima. When I'm going through my bad waves and can't be any help here, I hope that plenty of other members are still logging on regularly to provide support and encouragement. So knowing you are back is good.

 

 

Ditto!!

[Jemima]

Thanks to you as well, Alex.  It's good to be back.

[Zoe]

Hi Jemima- Thanks for the book suggestions.Amazon here I come! Also love the quote from Lewis- I'm going to have to copy that one. Glad to hear you are doing so well.