Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[Hopefull]

On 8/5/2020 at 12:50 PM, Dejavu said:

@Erell, I do that all the time. Write a nice long post and then accidentally delete it. No worries - I just appreciate hearing from you. I think of you each day and send you healing energy. I hope you can complete this crossover soon. You're on the right track.

 

@Hopefull, you experienced a setback just a few months ago? I'm sorry. How often has that occurred since you jumped? Is the severity lessening? Thanks for your encouragement. I'm feeling pretty down right now, and it's very appreciated.

It doesn't happen frequently. 

But even when you jump off,  it has been 18 months for me, you are bound to experience minor setbacks. 

The symptoms were mild, but still disheartening.

But the moderators assured me that it does happen, so I waited for the symptoms to settle. It is not a nice feeling. 

That is why don't feel down.  Keep pushing forward. 

Hold as long as you need to. No need to rush.

I personally think that the moment you no longer experience symptoms is the moment when you are finally healed.

I am not there yet, but I am getting closer or at least I hope so.

You will reach your goal, just have to be persistent and patient, which is really hard to do.

I am cheering you on. You can do it.

Take care, 

Hopefull.♥️🙏

[Dejavu]

Feeling lost and hopeless at the moment. 5 weeks into this wave. Very little improvement in internal tremor, tearfulness and anxiety, and they are miserable symptoms. This is starting to feel disturbingly like my crash in 2018. My mood is very low at the moment. Will I stabilize again? I was doing so very well until I suddenly wasn't. No real warning signs. Will I ever be able to taper again, not knowing when a crash is lurking around each corner? And if I'm going to suffer like this all the way down, why would I even want to? I am heartbroken and triggered by the idea of being stuck on this drug for the rest of my life. My every gut instinct is that I need this drug out of my life. But this is the third time I've crashed (once with benzos, and now twice with zoloft). I just don't know if I can go through this again. I feel like a burden on everyone who has to deal with me, and I'm tired in my body, heart and soul. 

[ChessieCat]

35 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

I'm tired in my body, heart and soul.

 

Some of this sounds like you are battle weary.  And I don't think the situation/s we have been in since the beginning of this year are helping.

 

I suggested to another member yesterday that even if they have to taper at a very tiny percentage reduction it is still reducing the drug, even though it may be very slowly.  And we have also noticed that some members seem to have difficulty getting past particular doses but one they are past that range of dosing they are able to resume a regular taper.  But, like many things regarding AD and WD, unfortunately there is no rule.

 

And whilst I'm here, I am very thankful that you made the suggestion to hold for longer.

[Dejavu]

@ChessieCat

8 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Some of this sounds like you are battle weary.  And I don't think the situation/s we have been in since the beginning of this year are helping.

Nail on head. Times two. I hate to whine, but I am indeed very weary. The loss of 4 people close to me in as many years has been very hard, and withdrawal has kept me from processing these losses in a healthy way, I think. And now, this country is in shambles to boot. If our election goes the wrong way, we cannot even become expats, since no country in their right minds is accepting Americans at this point in the pandemic. I am seriously frightened. I feel so unhealthy at this point that if I did catch COVID, I fear I would not have a good outcome.

 

I'm ready to commit to a long taper if I can arrange a taper like yours or @RachelSusan or @composter - with tapering just going on in the background with only minor upsets now and again. I just want to be able to live my life without wondering when I'm going to run head first into a wall. But right now, I'd just be happy to get to the point where I CAN taper again. Chessie, you have helped me so much. I respect and trust your judgment because you tell it like it is. So I'm just going to ask the question I've been afraid to ask: given that I've stabilized before (after RI), am I likely to do so again? 

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, Dejavu said:

So I'm just going to ask the question I've been afraid to ask: given that I've stabilized before (after RI), am I likely to do so again?

 

I think you know the answer to that.  And I can understand that you have been afraid to ask it.  I don't like giving the answer that I do, but unfortunately the answer is, nobody knows.  Even if they were to open up your brain and do tests on it, they may not be able to answer your question.

 

However, we do need to remember that our brain and body are remarkable things and it's amazing the work they do trying to fix up things that we do to them.

 

We have other members posting that they are experiencing unexpected/worse waves since the beginning of this year.

 

1 hour ago, Dejavu said:

The loss of 4 people close to me in as many years has been very hard, and withdrawal has kept me from processing these losses in a healthy way, I think. And now, this country is in shambles to boot. If our election goes the wrong way, we cannot even become expats, since no country in their right minds is accepting Americans at this point in the pandemic. I am seriously frightened. I feel so unhealthy at this point that if I did catch COVID, I fear I would not have a good outcome.

 

Even a "normal", meaning never medicated, person would be experiencing stress and related symptoms from these things.

 

When I was seeing a counsellor I decided to write down a timeline of the stressful events I had experienced in my life.  It made me realise that there was a very good reason that I felt unable to cope.

 

Have you considered counselling for the life stressors (not withdrawal of course, ha ha)?

[composter]

I’m so sorry to see you going through this, and for five weeks! You’re absolutely right the added chaos of our country’s (leadership) mishandling of the pandemic as well as grieving the loss of loved ones, simply magnified the pain. 
 

If you’ve been tracking symptoms, is there any trend of improvement? 
 

And I’m sure you’ve wracked your brain about whether there were any precipitating factors such as: unintended dosage change, addition of some other medication, change in manufacturer, etc. It can’t hurt to double check. 
 

How long have you been on this current dose? I had been reading a few threads lately of cases where folks got worse the longer they were on a dose (some kind of poopout or paradoxical response) so they actually found it worked better to lower the dose to relieve the symptoms. I don’t know enough about these cases to say whether you might fit that profile but it’s worth a thought. I believe Brassmonkey was one of these cases if you want to ask him. 

[Dejavu]

@composter, I've been parked on this dose for around 3 months now. I've seen overall slight improvement of dizziness and skewed vision, and have some brief relief of anxiety every now and then, though not often. 

 

I made a dosing error back in May, where I accidentally updosed for maybe a week. When I realized it, I dropped back down, and then did another 2.5% a week later. It never occurred to me to treat the accidental updose/return to regular dose like a dose change event. I should have held a while at that point. It never entered my mind. I also used a steroid nasal spray right before this wave hit. Manufacturer is the same as always. I checked.

 

I know there are no guarantees, but I was under the impression that most people do stabilize by holding in a wave. Is this your understanding as well? You've had bad waves that you've come back from, right? I'm quite triggered by the notion that I might not come out of this. Don't know what would be left for me at that point. Just looking for a little reassurance, I guess. I had a pretty awful day anxiety-wise today, and I'm terrified at the moment. 

[composter]

8 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

I also used a steroid nasal spray right before this wave hit.

I wonder if this would have been a factor in setting off a wave. 

 

9 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

I was under the impression that most people do stabilize by holding in a wave. Is this your understanding as well? You've had bad waves that you've come back from, right? I'm quite triggered by the notion that I might not come out of this.

I’m going to go ahead and tag @brassmonkey to weigh in on this: Dejavu has been holding on her dose for 3 months and has had a wave for the past 5 weeks. Any chance she might improve by making a slight reduction? I had read about these cases that seem to poopout when a dose is held for a long time. You may have insight to share. 
 

To answer your question, in my case waves had lasted for 3 weeks maximum. And yes, have definitely come back to a stable place. I can understand why the thought of not coming out of a wave would be horrifying. It’s such a hard place to be. Are you sleeping okay? The lack of sleep was probably the hardest thing for me with waves. 

[sunnysideup69]

@Dejavu, good morning.

 

I'm a trained psychotherapist and I'd like to echo Chessie's idea about therapy/counselling.

 

Back in March, pre my bro and sis dying, and at the beginning of the current world situation, I had a worsening of symptoms. Was super stressed by my bro's imminent death and anxiety was high.

As a therapist, I KNOW first hand how few therapists understand WD.....but the fact is, if you can get someone good, with whom you have a rapport, it doesn't matter. They can help you to tolerate the feelings you have, in the moment.Also, someone good will BELIEVE your report that you are in WD and not recommend you take further drugs, they will listen to you and work with you. They can also help you to tolerate the anxiety of 'not knowing' definite answers.

 

Reluctantly, I went back into therapy in March because I felt so crap, after feeling better at the beginning of the year. It has helped me to stabilise, of that I'm sure. Just having a space where I can go and literally dump all my frustration and worries is a huge relief. When you have a good rapport with someone who is really listening to you, it actually helps you to self regulate. I speak to her about WD and yes, she has no experience of it, but she listens and tries to work with me on how she might help. We also work on other issues, psychological ones that come up, because not EVERYTHING is WD. However, we do have an agreement that if, on an appointment day, I'm feeling really  WD symptomatic, then there will be no 'psychological digging' in that session, other than a quick enquiry into whether there has been a trigger for the symptoms....ie sometimes WD is just WD.

 

You might find it beneficial to work with someone who is more body based as a therapist.

 

Also, I know you used the nasal spray and had the misdosing accident, but could it be possible that the world situation has more to do with this wave occurring? Even people NOT in WD have been feeling instability. It's almost bound to hit us harder.

 

Sending you love and a big hug.

 

[Dejavu]

@sunnysideup69

12 minutes ago, sunnysideup69 said:

could it be possible that the world situation has more to do with this wave occurring? 

It's certainly possible. The day before this wave hit, I learned I had been exposed to a friend who had a co-worker test positive for COVID. As I waited for my friend's test results, I became very fearful and panicked that I had it. The next day, I woke up in this wave. (My friend was negative, by the way, and I never had any symptoms). I think this wave was probably a conglomeration of things. But I'm so tired.

 

I know I need to resume therapy, but I'm not sure that in my present state of mind, I can do the work. I catch myself saying: if I'm not going to re-stabilize, then my life is going to be s**t anyway, so why bother? It's very hard not to feel like damaged goods when you're going through this. And I was doing so well before I started my taper! I was grieving, but I was well and living my life. Now, all that seems to be gone - maybe for good, and I am devastated. 

[sunnysideup69]

2 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

@sunnysideup69

It's certainly possible. The day before this wave hit, I learned I had been exposed to a friend who had a co-worker test positive for COVID. As I waited for my friend's test results, I became very fearful and panicked that I had it. The next day, I woke up in this wave. (My friend was negative, by the way, and I never had any symptoms). I think this wave was probably a conglomeration of things. But I'm so tired.

 

I know I need to resume therapy, but I'm not sure that in my present state of mind, I can do the work. I catch myself saying: if I'm not going to re-stabilize, then my life is going to be s**t anyway, so why bother? It's very hard not to feel like damaged goods when you're going through this. And I was doing so well before I started my taper! I was grieving, but I was well and living my life. Now, all that seems to be gone - maybe for good, and I am devastated. 

 

The very fact that you stabilised before is hopeful. It's so annoying that we can't 100 per cent predict the course of WD, but the fact is, everything eventually changes.

 

Some therapy would be helpful for challenging the catastrophisisng thoughts. Sounds like some support with thinking and also bodily/physical feelings would be more useful, no digging at the moment. I think it's worth a try. I recognise those thoughts you are having, they feel very familiar. Good therapy can help you tolerate difficult feelings and also form a different relationship to your thoughts.

Really, you've got this. When I'm feeling disheartened about stability, I look at the people here who've tapered out of poopout, in fact. And are nevertheless pulling through eg brassmonkey.

 

 

[ChessieCat]

43 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

I know I need to resume therapy, but I'm not sure that in my present state of mind, I can do the work.

 

In the interim you might find journalling helpful.  It doesn't have to be pretty or make any sense.

 

I did some research and wrote a post about it:

 

 

[Hanna72]

Hi @Dejavu

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles.

I was wondering if you have tried to listen or read about practicing staying in the present moment. My favourite spiritual teachers are Eckhart Tolle and now I am listening to « I am that » by Nisargadatta Maharaj. I find great comfort in listening to these spiritual teachers and they help me to silence my mind and my so called story of my past and fear of the future. 
Our thoughts can be so powerful, and sometimes for me one negative thought can lead me to a down role spiral of misery. The good news is that with practice we can stop this thinking by being aware when these thoughts creep in and ignore them.We are not our thoughts. We can’t change what is happening in this world and by focusing on all the suffering it only makes us suffer more. 

3 hours ago, Dejavu said:

And I was doing so well before I started my taper! I was grieving, but I was well and living my life. Now, all that seems to be gone - maybe for good, and I am devastated. 

No it is NOT gone. That’s what your thoughts are telling you. Change that channel. 
There is a wonderful saying that I read sometimes:
“The darkest nights produce the brightest stars” ⭐️ 

My thoughts are with you

Sending you a big hug💖

[RachelSusan]

Hi Dejavu,

 

I don't come on here as much as I used to, but I did get on today and see your thread.  As you know I have been going through my Zoloft taper since July of 2016.  I have had many such incidences just like yours and I ended up being just fine.

 

A little backstory to some of those incidences. I would be tapering fine and then the last taper after a series of perfectly good tapers would send me over the edge, or so I thought. It often took me three to four months until the symptoms cleared up. Now to the reason I said, "or so I thought". I do believe the tapering is cumulative and it wasn't just the last one that sent me over the edge even if at first blush it appeared that way. Even though I was doing 10% as recommended I think it was too much for my body and I had to figure out what was right for me. 

 

I have experienced your fear and panic once the dreaded withdrawal symptoms returned.  For me they eventually cleared up but on two occasions it took three to four months before they subsided.  This happened a few times in the last four years.  I eventually got a handle on it and have been doing OK for the last year.   I don't know if a little bell when off when I said that I have doing OK for the last year.  That might lead you to ask what about the other three years?  Yes it took me that long to understand my body and how it reacts to the tapers.  Also how we taper one month may not be the way we need to taper six months later.  It all depends on so many things, stress both emotional and physical, colds and infections, other medications, foods, and so on.

 

Nobody here has a crystal ball in which to see the future so nobody would dare give you a definitive answer and say "I promise you that you will improve."  But what I can say to you is that based on my experience with the same medication as you, being the same gender, and probably about the same age and that fact I did improve, many times, I believe that you will pull out of this as well. Can I give you a guarantee?  No I can not, but I do believe that you will. Would I place a bet on your improving if it were offered to me?  I certainly would. Yes I would put my money on you and I by nature do not gamble.

 

Hang in there.

Warm wishes,

Rachel

[brassmonkey]

"As I waited for my friend's test results, I became very fearful and panicked that I had it. The next day, I woke up in this wave."

 

That is telling me a lot right there.  Secondary fear/anxiety no matter what the source can really play havoc on a good taper. A common result is for it to trigger a bad wave of symptoms. The nice thing about waves, if you can attribute anything nice to them, is that they will eventually wash themselves out and we will find stability once again.  While waiting for the wave to subside and the stability to return self care is all important. During ADWD our bodies are taxed beyond their limits in just about all aspects. So we have to be as kind as possible to ourselves through out the journey.

 

AAF, our coping tool kit, meditation, the list goes on, are all things we need to practice every day to help us maintain. The current biological/political climate is a very troubling one for every person in the world, and hard even for "normal" people to cope with.  For us in ADWD, it is particularly frightening as many of us find ourselves with diminished capacities and day to day uncertainties already. If possible, things that would normally worry us need to be put off or ignored until a later date when we have the strength to face them or they have faded and are no longer of any importance.  I hate the sayings "it is what it is" or "what ever", but worrying about things that are truly out of our control will just make our personal situations worse. we should not ignore them totally, but we can't let them rule us either. Enough from my soap box.

 

In ADWD waves, no matter what the cause, follow a pattern of starting suddenly, building, peaking and subsiding. They can be very unpleasant, frustratingly long and quite disheartening, but they do eventually fade out and we return to our previous stability.

[Tom37]

Sorry to see your still struggling but this will end.

 

I know you get stressed and anxious about covid and your countries political situation so I’m sure that isn’t helping. For me covid doesn’t really bother me as it takes a lot of pressure of having to pretend I’m ‘normal’. It gives me a chance to work from home and to self isolate which is exactly what I feel like and need to be doing when I’m not well. I dont have to force myself to interact and do things I don’t want to do just to give the impression to everyone I’m ok. So I try to use this situation to my advantage and roll with what happens. 
 

On the political situation you can only control one thing and that is making your vote count. Unfortunately there is nothing else we can do so why waste energy on it. Put yourself first and take care of you and what will be will be. Save your energy for when your feeling better and just like in withdrawal this current situation will not last forever.

 

Take care.

[Dejavu]

@ChessieCat @composter @sunnysideup69 @Hopefull @Hanna72 @RachelSusan @Tom37 and @brassmonkey

 

Thank you all so very much for the support. I was badly in need of help and encouragement last night, and you've all helped me so much in your own unique ways. I'm deeply appreciative of the support and assistance of this community. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you are the finest people I've never met - haha!!

 

As Chessie and Sunny suggested, I found a therapist today who is experienced in both CBT and trauma-based modalities. I will start tomorrow afternoon. I know I was hard-wired for anxiety early in my life and eventually, that will all have to be unpacked, but for now, she agreed with Sunny that we need to focus on CBT - creating new and positive neural pathways by changing my thought patterns. It's a big step for me, and I'm not looking forward to reliving past traumas and processing grief, but at least I don't have to focus on that just yet. 

 

As for this wave, it continues. The dizziness comes and goes, but overall seems to be lessening. The weird visual disturbance is pretty much there all the time, to varying degrees. I don't really know how to describe it. It's almost like my eyes work independently of one another instead of together. Things just don't "look right." It's a familiar symptom from my crash, and was one of the last to leave, so I anticipate it will be the same this time. The internal trembling and shaky feeling comes and goes. It can be really uncomfortable. Can't wait for it to go away. There are a few stomach issues, twitchy muscles and up-and-down tinnitus, but nothing intolerable. Anxiety and low mood vie for top spot on the Symptom Billboard, and they are by far my most debilitating symptoms. Although if I look back on my notes from 4 weeks ago, I can see they are very (very!) slowly loosening their hold. 

 

Again, thanks to all of you for your help and support, as I continue to surf this wave. I'm very indebted to you all!

[ChessieCat]

I'm pleased that you have been able to find a therapist who is willing to work with you.

 

This might sound like it is unrelated but do you eat Chinese food and/or foods containing MSG or other flavour enhancers?  Many savoury snack foods and frozen meals and tinned soups contain flavour enhancers.  I'm fairly certain that seafood sticks have MSG.

 

MSG is a neurotoxin and another member has just had a bout of dizziness after consuming a large Chinese meal.  He had thought it was from moving 1/2 his dose by one hour the next day but he had eaten Chinese food the night before.  Sottana

 

The other one to look into is artificial sweeteners.

[Dejavu]

@ChessieCat, I'm aware of the MSG factor. My mother always had terrible reactions to it. I never have, but have avoided it as best I can  since I've been in withdrawal. Fortunately, my favorite little Korean restaurant knows to make my order without MSG. Unfortunately, many times I have been dizzy and or shaky, and have had to opt for processed foods simply because I didn't have the strength to cook. Thankful for microwaveable veggie bags, yogurt and bananas!

 

Processed sugar ramps me up, too. Strangely, naturally occurring fructose, not so much, so I can eat fruit. If I consume processed sugar at all, I am careful to do it at night, when cortisol levels have fallen. The other night, I had a small bowl of ice cream with no ill effect. Would never have tried that during the day. I had only just carefully reintroduced a quarter cup of decaf into my diet a few months ago, but have had to forego that too since this wave hit. Artificial sweetener is a no-no for other reasons. We use a stevia/monkfruit blend we get from Sprouts.

 

Thank you for the push to get into therapy (my husband thanks you too!). It will be difficult, but I am cautiously optimistic. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by Dejavu

[Erell]

How are you doing dear ?

 

I've read somewhere that you were starting to see little improvments and I'm hoping improvments are growing 🤗

 

I'm glad you have your husband on your side : love can give so much comfort!

 

You are only on one drug : I do believe that once this blip work out you'll be back on track for more healing ❤

[Dejavu]

@Erell, you are simply amazing! To be going through all you are right now and still be able to reach out to others. You are truly a beautiful human, Erell. I mean that.

 

I seem to be going through a pattern of one okay day/one bad day. I still feel a little "amped up," like my body is plugged into an electrical socket, but it is less than it was a month ago. I am having episodes of itchy/tingly/ burning skin, like I have a sunburn. This is not a new symptom, but I never had it this badly before. I try to imagine this means my brain is  sorting out something new and that when I recover from this wave, I'll be even better. Since yesterday was horrendous - one of those days where you feel you're right back at the beginning - I have high hopes for today. We shall see. Overall, I am seeing a very slow trend toward improvement. I just can't help the childish feeling of disappointment when I awaken each morning to find that I'm not miraculously healed yet. I guess we can all relate to that.

 

I am following your thread, and I'm sure Alto is right about your situation. Once your system begins to process the decrease in prozac, things will start to settle down for you. I hate that you've had to struggle so hard, but you've slayed the Paxil beast, and that is a HUGE accomplishment!!! Please hold out a bit longer. Your turn is coming. And once you stabilize, please take a nice long hold before beginning to taper. My thoughts are with you, my friend. Hugs!!!

[Dejavu]

This wave persists...6 weeks of depression, anxiety, dizziness, strange vision, internal vibrations, tearfulness and utter lack of stress tolerance. What have I done to myself? I was doing so well...will I ever return to stability? I feel such hopelessness as I look down the long road ahead of me. Will I suffer like this all the way down?  Will I ever have any quality of life again? Were the last 10 months of normalcy before this wave hit just a cruel tease?  I've gone through this 3 times now - benzo WD crash, zoloft WD crash, and now this really tough wave. I'm so tired.

 

Third counseling session tomorrow. I'm trying so hard to use the CBT tools she's given me. They don't seem to work as well against neuro emotions. But I'm trying. 

[Artistic1]

@Dejavu Hi. I read this last page of your thread, and sympathize with the wave you are going through. It's so good that you are in CBT - hopefully, that will help. I started CBT 3 years ago, and it has made such a big difference. You have to stick with it and keep practicing the tools you're given. They do work, but only over time and with consistent practice.

 

All of the questions you asked in the post above....those are actually "hot thoughts" that make you doubt yourself, and your mind can convince you that they are true. Rather than questions, they are actually statements that your brain believes. When you ask, "Will I ever have any quality of life again?" - your brain actually hears (and believes) "I will never have any quality of life again." As such, these questions/thoughts are faulty thinking and are contributing to your wave. They should be addressed with your therapist and with your tools.

 

I had every single one of those questions/thoughts and more when I started CBT, and I learned to use CBT "thought records" to deal with them. This tool teaches you to tackle each thought by writing down actual evidence that will support it or not support it, to see how true it is. After doing that, you come up with a more balanced thought based on the evidence. You then practice your balanced thoughts regularly to change your thinking. For me, this took MONTHS of practice, but it is now second nature, and I can't tell you how much things have changed for me. My waves are really short, and my windows are getting better and better.

 

If you want to see a sample of one of my personal Thought Records, search this site for Mimi79 and look on the last page of that thread for my post. Or just ask me to copy and past it in this thread, and I'll do that.

 

The CBT book that helped me learn how to do Thought Records is "Mind Over Mood," by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. Available on Amazon.

 

You might also check out Dr. Amy Johnson on YouTube....she is wonderful! She's all about how the mind works and about our thoughts, and it's just so simple. She has a small book called "The Little Book of Big Change," and an online school called "The Little School of Big Change." I haven't done the school. You can get pretty much all you need from her on YouTube. She has a new podcast every Monday - you can subscribe to it.

 

Rest assured, your therapy will work if you've got a therapist that you connect with, that you trust, and you see value in the tools they are providing. I think you are on the right track! You will just need to be patient and practice. We want faster results, but that isn't the way the brain rewires itself. I've been where you are, and I'm not there anymore, so I have faith that you can do it, too. Best of luck!

Karen

[Dejavu]

@Artistic1, thank you for visiting me and giving me encouragement. I am new to CBT, but have had people urge me to challenge my thoughts before, although I haven't had much success with it. I do hope this time will be different - I am a woman of a "certain age" and am really feeling the time going by. I'm running out of chances to get this right, and anxiety is a horrible thing to live with. I was wired for it from a very young age. My therapist notes that, if not addressed, anxiety only increases with age, and that has certainly been my experience. I only hope that I haven't messed myself up with this withdrawal and that I will come around to stability again.

 

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. I know you are right. I'm glad you are doing so well. You seem to have gotten the hang of this tapering business. I only made 5 cuts before I ran myself off into the ditch. I hope I get another chance to do this right.

[Artistic1]

@Dejavu Hi. You and I have a lot in common, so I'll give you any encouragement I can. I am 71 and also feel the time going by. We're on the same drug. At the rate I'm tapering, I will be almost 75 before I get off. However, I'm going to be 75 eventually, anyway, so I might as well be tapering slowly and doing what I can!

 

I was wired for anxiety, too! Since I was a kid, I was always worrying about managing things, being a perfectionist etc. But if a really anxious situation came up, I could handle it. Then I got hit with GAD at age 65, just out of the blue - panic attacks, cortisol rushes all day and all night, running thoughts, self-doubts, insomnia, worry that I would never be the same. There was no understandable cause, but I did feel that contributing factors were aging, hormones, wacky biology, out-of-balance amino acids. But who knows. It was what it was.

 

I was put on Celexa, which helped, but then tapered to fast and crashed. Tried self-help books. Too confusing and overwhelming. Got put on Zoloft. Didn't feel right on it. Psych I had with my medical care wasn't any good. Found a good therapist in 2017 and am paying out-of-pocket for her.  Started tapering down, but it was too fast and irregular. Crashed and had to reinstate. Started meditation and yoga. Saw a naturopathic doctor. Nothing was the cure-all I hoped it would be. So as you can see....I didn't get it right at all when I first tried! But slowly, these things started to come together - especially the therapy.  I was bound and determined to get through this. It's been a lot of trial and error putting together my "tool box" of coping strategies, but it's all helping now. I can see that my hard-wiring for anxiety is now within my control.

 

It will come together for you, too. Be kind to yourself. If something doesn't work, 

 

All the best!

 

 

[Cigale]

Hello @Dejavu - I am so sorry that this wave is still knocking you around. You have proven how strong and resilient you are with all that you have endured. And even while struggling, you find the time to reach out and support me and others. You will stabilize! I believe in you!

[Erell]

On 8/22/2020 at 4:33 PM, Dejavu said:

 

I am following your thread, and I'm sure Alto is right about your situation. Once your system begins to process the decrease in prozac, things will start to settle down for you. I hate that you've had to struggle so hard, but you've slayed the Paxil beast, and that is a HUGE accomplishment!!! Please hold out a bit longer. Your turn is coming. And once you stabilize, please take a nice long hold before beginning to taper. My thoughts are with you, my friend. Hugs!!!

Thank you dear, your words give me great comfort during dark times, realky ❤

Wow, I'm so glad we have a place like SA to support each other !

And once I stabilize...I will laugh, sleep, take a nap, read a book, spend peacefull time with friends and family...before considering a taper 😉

 

I wish I could give you some comfort too. 

Have you tried EFT ? It doesn't lower symptoms, but I feel like it helps a bit with doom thinking. 

 

Keep faith sweetie, our CNS are working hard to reach stability ☀️

[Dejavu]

6 hours ago, Erell said:

And once I stabilize...I will laugh, sleep, take a nap, read a book, spend peacefull time with friends and family...before considering a taper 😉

Me too, @Erell. Me too. You don't know how happy I am to see you having improvement. 

 

@Cigale, thank you for the confidence and the reminder that stabilization will happen. I'm going to pop over to your thread and check up on you.

 

@Artistic1, you are so right about those "hot thoughts." We just worked on those today in session. I'm kind of excited about acquiring new ways of thinking. Maybe between CBT and withdrawal, this old dog actually CAN learn a new trick or two!

[Dejavu]

This morning, I had the usual anxiety, fearfulness, internal tremors and the rest of my usual symptoms. But this afternoon, foggy-headedness and anxiety have gone away. I do not feel like I'm plugged into a light socket. Dizziness is significantly lessened. Muscle soreness, tinnitus and weird vision are still around. But this is, I believe, the very beginning of the end of this wave. It'll hang around a while longer I'm sure, but I may be looking at the back side of it soon. I am absolutely exhausted from the constant CNS activation over the last 7 weeks and treating myself very gently at the moment. Feels good to have a reprieve. 

[Cigale]

10 hours ago, Dejavu said:

But this afternoon, foggy-headedness and anxiety have gone away.

 

This is great news @Dejavu! Yes, treat yourself with the love and kindness now. I hope you get some much needed rest. Hugs - Cigale

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Dejavu,

Am so glad to read you are getting some respite, that's great news! Yes, treat yourself really gently and enjoy the reprieve ❤️ 

[thelegend]

18 hours ago, Dejavu said:

This morning, I had the usual anxiety, fearfulness, internal tremors and the rest of my usual symptoms. But this afternoon, foggy-headedness and anxiety have gone away. I do not feel like I'm plugged into a light socket. Dizziness is significantly lessened. Muscle soreness, tinnitus and weird vision are still around. But this is, I believe, the very beginning of the end of this wave. It'll hang around a while longer I'm sure, but I may be looking at the back side of it soon. I am absolutely exhausted from the constant CNS activation over the last 7 weeks and treating myself very gently at the moment. Feels good to have a reprieve. 

so good to hear you are seeing some improvement. You will stabilize again, just a matter of time. We are all in this together!

[Erell]

Oh ! You made my day ! So glad that you're feeling some relief 🤗

It seems that your CNS might be on his way to stability...yay to this deserved improvment ❤

[Dejavu]

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately, it did not last. Anxiety came roaring back yesterday. I had a tearful/fearful meltdown last night and the feelings of dread and doom have been relentless ever since. Haven't slept much these past two nights. Insomnia has never been a big wd issue for me before, so this is quite upsetting. This morning's anxiety is pretty big. I feel hopeless and despondent. But mostly just very, very tired, tired right down to my soul. Sometimes, I think I should just wait to stabilize and then never taper again. The idea of living out whatever years I have left trapped on this rat poison is a heartbreaking notion, as I want so very badly to be clear of it and take my life and my body back. But the idea of struggling like this for years, all the way down to zero, with no quality of life, dragging my family down with me, and then more struggling after zero for who-knows-how-long? It just seems all too big for me.  I don't see a realistic or sustainable path forward from here. 

 

The last 4 years of my life have not been particularly good ones, with lots of loss, grief, and of course withdrawal tossed in for good measure. My sweet husband has been an absolute rock. I can't believe he hasn't run for the hills, but he says he never will. We haven't known each other all that long - 7 years. He is the one I've waited for all my life - the Prince that I had to kiss so many toads to find. We should still be relative honeymooners, but instead he's stuck being a caregiver to someone who sometimes can't get out of bed; someone whose moods and physical condition are subject to change without notice. I find myself wondering when he will decide to cut his losses and find someone less broken. Someone less "stuck." I vacillate between urging him to do so and not wanting to give him any ideas. But he deserves so much better. I want him to be happy. And there's nothing "happy" about me any more.

 

Sorry for the negative ramblings. It's just so disheartening to be made to believe you may be starting back on the road to wellness, only to then have the props jerked out from under you. I know everyone here can relate, but not many in the "real" world could ever understand. To feel normal - not good, not bad, just normal instead of like someone fractured and defective - it just doesn't seem like too big an ask, does it? 

 

Thank you all for your support. I wish I could be there more for everyone else right now, but I'm afraid there's not much in my tank at the moment.  A kind or encouraging word would go a long way right now if anybody has one to spare. 

[brassmonkey]

The honeymoon will continue once you're past this rough patch in the road. ADWD seems like "forever", especially when in a bad wave, but it's not.

 

I know things are really hard to do right now but find things to take your mind off of it. Any thing to distract from the symptoms will help. I play a simple video game on facebook called Bejeweled Blitz. On the surface it is a simple match three type game to gain experience points, but there can be a lot more to it once you get rolling. I find it a great way to lose myself for a couple of hours. It's not a competition so there really are no winners. There are some contests which are more for advanced players, but the main object is to have fun and see what happens as you advance. I find the sound really obnoxious so I play with it muted.

 

Hang in there the wave will burn itself out and you'll be back to WDnromal. 

[sunnysideup69]

@Dejavu, I think that reprieve, however short, was a good sign. Your system can feel 'normal' again. You're still on the road to wellness, this is a temporary setback....healing isn't linear, how I wish it was!

Yep, agree with brassmonkey, just distract as much as possible, however hard that seems. 

Your partner loves you and he sounds wonderful...please don't feel bad, I'm sure you'd do the same for him if the boot were on the other foot.

Vent here whenever you need to. You're due some good years soon, keep the faith hun, they're coming.

Sending a big old hug xxx