Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[Dejavu]

@brassmonkey, hello! Hope you are well and staying Covid-safe. A not-so-quick question, if you don't mind?

 

First, a bit of backstory which I hope will serve not only as a refresher of my case, but also a cautionary tale to the rest of the membership. I am the poster child of what not to do. I readily admit that few people in the history of humans have made a series of moves as stupid as those that follow. I am breathing proof that arrogance, impatience and stubbornness are dangerous in combination. But I guess anything worth doing is worth doing right...lol! Anyway...I'm still in the wave that began last July, after tapering too much, too soon and too haphazardly.

 

First mistake: After initial CT crash and successful RI, I had been stable for about ten minutes before I began my taper. And after promising my poor husband I would wait a few months, to boot. He has forgiven me, though I do not understand why, other than his innate goodness.

 

Screw up #2:  As I said, I intended to wait until the start of 2020 to begin the taper, but decided to make "one quick 5% cut" before Christmas. My rationale was that 5% took me down to 25mg, which is one tablet of sertraline, and that was more convenient during the busy holidays than messing with syringes. That cut went amazingly well (maybe too well). Very minimal symptoms for about 3 days, then baseline right back to 100%. Easy peasy.

 

Screw up #3: So I said, "Why wait? It went fine. Let's try 10% this time." (Can't you just *feel* the wheels starting to come off already?). 10% was considerably tougher. I had to wait 6 weeks before I could cut again. At this point, cue my husband waving his hands in the air and saying "stop!" I did not stop.

 

And #4: I told myself, "since that was not fun, let's now try a 10% slide." That went wrong almost immediately. I found I couldn't make a 2nd 2.5% cut the next week. It took me 7 weeks to complete the 4 tapers.

 

#5: Somewhere in there, I noticed I had accidentally made a 2.5% updose by setting my syringe incorrectly. I'm not sure how long that had been going on, but most probably somewhere between 5-8 days. So what do I do? Do I hop onto the forum and ask for help from the people who know more about ADWD than anyone else on the planet? Do I even just stop and hold? Nope, not even. I jumped right back down from the updose, then made yet another 2.5% cut 2 weeks later.  A month later, I finally got a clue. It was late May and time to make another 2.5% cut. It did not feel like a good idea, so I decided to hold for 90 days. I didn't have any hardcore symptoms, but I was getting testy and impatient and my muscles were tight and sore. It was just a feeling of something not feeling quite right. 

 

#6: Since I had committed to a 3 month hold and was not actively tapering, I decided to indulge in 2 alcoholic beverages on the 4th of July. (Yes, yes, I know...sigh). 

 

#7: Allergies were bad, so I grabbed a bottle of Flonase and used it 6x over three days as I was "sure" it wasn't a steroid. (Spoiler alert:  yeah...it is).

 

I woke up in hell on July 10. 

 

I actually felt I was turning the corner in Nov and Dec of 2020 after 6 months of waxing and waning symptoms. I was at least 85% back to WDnormal (and my WDnormal is pretty darn close to 100%). Then I came down with an upper respiratory infection on New Year's Day. I was terrified it was Covid (I have a high-risk condition), and went to get tested. Results did not come back for 3 days. During that time, I watched the Capitol Building stormed by a domestic terrorists, while possibly having Covid and definitely being in withdrawal. It was not a wonderful time. Covid test came back negative, but the apple cart was already upset, and I'm right back in the muck again and worrying I'll never restabilize.  Most recently, I had my first Covid vaccine 4 days ago, and my symptoms have gone from bad to worse over the past two days. Coincidence? Who knows?

 

Okay, here's my question: I have crashed now 3 times: klonopin withdrawal in 2016 (successful RI and 15 month successful taper), sertraline CT (successful RI and stabilization), and this most recent self-inflicted tour of hell. I have also lost 4 people close to me in the past 3 years, including my sister and my mom, and I'm still grieving deeply. I've scarcely had time to mourn one before someone else dies. The lockdowns have had a negative impact on my finances and my state of mind. My mother's death meant I had to take over the care of my adult brother who has Aspergers, and he will be moving in with us soon. My daughter was furloughed from her job due to Covid and she and her kids had to move in with us as well. That will be 4 adults, two children and 3 dogs (2 of whom do not get along) living in 1800 square feet and sharing 2 bathrooms. I am working with a therapist on my grief issues and anxiety management, but it's hard to achieve any real progress when I feel so ill. This is the darkest and most stressful  period I've been through in all my 60 years. Under these circumstances, would it be so wrong if I decide on a lengthy hold after I stabilize? I managed to cut from 26.25mgai sertraline to 20mgai since reinstatement, or if you like, from 50mgai at the point I CT'd, so a bit of progress has been made at least. Will I lose the support of this forum if I choose to sit still for a few months after stabilization? I don't come to this decision happily. I've been grappling with it for a while. My only goal in the past few years has been to get off this rat poison as quickly and safely as possible. Now it doesn't look like that's going to be a possibility for me, due to the external roadblocks in my way right now, and I am feeling increasingly like this will never end for me. Seeing firsthand the power of withdrawal when things are done rashly, I think continuing to taper in this paradigm will cause me lots of unnecessary suffering. And I owe it to my husband, who is going through every step of this with me, and who told me tonight, "You need a break, honey, and so do I."  I think I can do a better job after some resolutions of these difficulties take place. And I'm really tired of suffering right now. No gas left in the tank. I am exhausted, symptomatic, and devastated. I don't have one tiny bit of fight left in me right now. I would really like your take on this, Tom. You know what you're talking about and you tell it like it is. I don't want to make any more mistakes.

[sunnysideup69]

Hey @Dejavu, thanks so much for dropping by on my thread. Have been having a catch-up read here, on yours. It's good to have you back, although I'm really sorry it's in these circumstances.

Firstly, I absolutely believe you will stabilise again, and similar to what I am learning, we really need to treat our nervous systems with kid gloves. Our systems are so sensitised, almost anything can set them off. 

 

Please don't beat yourself up about having a couple of drinks on July 4th - you're only human and the urge to just be 'normal' sometimes is so very strong. I haven't drunk but I still do the odd sugar binge- and generally live to wavily regret it. 

 

Also, I really don't see why you would lose the support of this community. You're in WD, whether or not you choose to continue to taper at some point. It's not like you are looking for drug recommendations. I'l have been holding steady for a year and a half come the 14th of this month, after a drug switch. These things take as long as they take, isn't that the message overall of this forum? - so, it would be against that ethic to stop supporting you. We ALL need to chuck out the calendar and do what feels best according to our bodies.

 

When you stabilise again, likely you will begin to feel differently about tapering. I've seen several members advised to take a rest or slow down. There's no shame in that. This is a very tricky journey and we need to take it really slowly and steadily.

Please don't beat yourself up about your taper and crash, I can hear the self recrimination in your words. We're in such a stressful world situation right now, with WD on top. We all deserve a bloody medal.

Lots of love,

SSU xxx

[Dejavu]

 @sunnysideup69, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I hope you're right about everything you say. All I know to be true in this moment is that, in the past 24 months, 16 of them have been spent in acute withdrawal. The exhaustion - physical and emotional - is absolute. I feel strongly that it's time to step back and regroup for a time. Maybe a long time.

 

And it has occurred to me that, as you say, I'll feel differently about things once I'm stable. Frankly, that's the only thing that has kept me from saying "never again" to tapering. But I know who I am at my core. When I'm not this weakened state of mind, I'm determined and stubborn. I'm not, by nature, a quitter. My mother always taught me to "go down swinging." She practiced what she preached until her last day. It would be a disservice to her memory for me to not do the same. I just have to accept that, at this time, I don't know when I'll be able to do that. All I know is that whenever I do resume my taper, it will be at a snail's pace. So slow, in fact, that at my current age, I may not live long enough to complete it. But at least I'll go down swinging. And have a decent quality of life in the interim. That's what's important. 

 

On a slightly more positive note, I woke up with much less morning anxiety than in the last few days. My vision seems less skewed today (still blurry) and my jumpy muscles seemed to have relaxed. I wonder if the uptick really was from getting the Covid vaccine, or maybe just from the apprehension of it. I'll get another chance to find out in 2 weeks!

 

I hope you're coming along well. What symptoms do you still have and how often? I hope you are enjoying a good quality of life despite not being totally 100%. The isolation during this pandemic really throws a monkey wrench into the grieving process, doesn't it? I hope your parents are coping. I can't imagine their grief. I really feel for all three of you. I know it's difficult. And that's probably the biggest understatement I've ever uttered. I think often of you and send you all the healing energy I can muster.

 

I'm anxious to see what Brassmonkey thinks of my plan. In all this time, he has never once been wrong about my situation, and I trust his judgment. Likewise, it helps tremendously to have your insight and support, given your experience and training. Makes me feel like I'm on the right track with my assessment. Many many thanks to you, good friend. I hope you're thriving in spite of everything. Stay safe and keep in touch!

[brassmonkey]

Yes, hold for a long while and then hold some more. 

 

The forum will not be upset if you need to hold, actually we recommend it anytime someone is having a problem with instability or going through a rough patch IRL. It sounds like you have a huge amount to deal with right now so don't add to it by trying to speed through your taper. Take a taper vacation and work on your coping skills, come to grips with your loses and get the home life settled down. Make sure to get some "alone time" with just you and some quiet, and some "quiet time" with DH. Having all those people and pets in such a small space is hard so try to get out on some walks and the like to give your head a break. You'll know when it's time start tapering again, so don't rush it.

 

We are staying safe here. Neither of us minds being at home and each other is plenty of company. We have the tele and plenty of projects to keep us busy. We will be getting our second round of shots in a few days. Give them a few weeks to kick in and we might start to venture out once in a while.

 

Hope things start to settle down for you pretty soon.

[Dejavu]

Thanks @brassmonkey. I feel some relief about that. But I wonder, do I need to worry about poop-out? I've already been on for 4 years and I'm terrified of falling back down into a crash caused by poopout and having to taper out of it. Am I likely to be okay if I were, for example, to hold for another year or so, then, assuming I am stable, begin a slow -and I mean very slow- taper? And am I likely to experience poopout during this time while I'm holding and trying to stabilize? I don't know if I can make it through another (so far) 7 month crash like this one, or a 10 month one like before. I'm sorry to be a pest, but can you ease my mind about this?

Edited February 8, 2021 by Dejavu

[brassmonkey]

You would have to stabilize before displaying signs of poopout. Poopout dies not happen over night. It creeps up slowly. It could be possible to start sliding into poopout while the stabilization is happening but your should be ready to taper well before poopout becomes a problem. I've only seen a couple of people who ended up in poopout from holding too long and they held for over 18 months before starting to have problems.

 

I doubt that a hold of up to a year will cause any trouble. The thing to watch for would be slowly getting better, leveling out and then slowly sliding back into increased symptoms. You wouldn't want to confuse it with a wave, which would hit hard and fast. Rather a peaking and then slowly slicing back would indicate its time to start tapering again.

[Dejavu]

Thank you so much @brassmonkey. I feel much better about my decision now. I've been holding my dose since late May 2020, waiting to get stable, but I'm not there yet. I just need a break to enjoy stability when it happens. Need to feel normal for a while.

[arbor]

Hi @Dejavu--I hope your day is going ok.  I'll respond more when I revive from this last run of insomniac nights--

Thinking of you (and all your crew...)

Arbor

[Dejavu]

@arbor, I thought of you today, and wondered how you slept. No worries; check back when you are able. 

[arbor]

@Dejavu--I'm wondering how you're doing.  Did you lose power in that big storm?  (We got ours back last night.)  Are you staying warm?  Are you feeling more stable with holding right now?  I so hope so.  Whenever I hear the word, Pfizer, I think, Zoloft....and the unspeakable misery it has caused for so many of us.  

I know your recovery is coming--

Arbor

[sunnysideup69]

Hello @Dejavu,

Wishing you a Happy Easter, sending you good vibes xxx

[Dejavu]

Hello All, time for a brief update:

 

It is 10 months into this crash, and I'm still not fully stable. Many things have improved but some stubbornly remain. I'm still having issues with tremor and weakness. Also with health anxiety and despondency. Right now, I am struggling with the idea that I might ever feel well or happy again. In 5 years, this is my 3rd crash. The first was from a benzo CT. I reinstated, stabilized and successfully tapered. But the real monster in the closet for me was zoloft (which was, ironically, rx'ed to "help" me get off klonopin). I was told by my pdoc I could "just walk off" of zoloft. Well, I did, and promptly crashed. Reinstated, stabilized and started a taper. Went too fast, and crashed again, which is where I am now. This has been going on for 5 years now. I am so tired. And it appears this time it's going to take me longer to steady the ship. Trying so hard to keep the faith - but it's so disappointing each time the window slams shut, and I have to tell myself "not yet," once again. Anyone feel the same? 

[Dejavu]

@arbor

Thank you for checking in with me, and sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Do I understand that you're now a mod? Congratulations!

 

I hope you are doing well. Please catch me up on how you're doing. I'm still waiting to stabilize after my crash last July. It's sure taking it's time. I've had some positive developments, but find myself in a dark place at the moment. Right now, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and forcing myself (sometimes unsuccessfully)to keep hope alive. I really hate it when the depression and the doubts creep in. Oh, my poor husband! Neither of us expected a third crash. I wonder how many more times we can go through this, but he is an absolute rock, and surely the best friend I've ever had.

 

And yes, we did indeed lose power in the winter storm. For 3 days we were camped at my daughter's tiny apartment with our 3 dogs. I think that was my lowest point - Covid running rampant (nobody was vaccinated yet and we were in a small space with 3 adults and two children), furloughed from work, full-blown withdrawal, and put out of the safety of our home by a poorly-maintained electrical grid. Can you say "anxiety?" Just thinking back on it triggers me. But still, I'm very grateful. Others fared far worse.

 

I'm not on the site much these days, as I struggle to stabilize. I guess I just really don't want to bum anyone out. I'm not in a good headspace at the moment. But I do want to know how you're doing, so please update me.

 

Hugs!

 

[Dejavu]

@sunnysideup69, thank you for the Easter greetings! Sorry I haven't checked in lately. Just kind of struggling a bit at the moment. I'm now 10 months post-crash but still not stable enough to resume my taper.

 

I really hope all is well with you. Have you begun your taper yet? Please let me know how you're doing. If memory serves, you've had some sad anniversaries fairly recently. I hope you are processing those well, and I hope your parents are as well as can be expected. Sending you hugs and healing energy from across the pond.

[Rosetta]

((Dejavu)) I hope you stabilize soon. How awful to have dealt with that electrical issue.  I’m glad you had a place to go, but oh, to have all those people around while you felt bad.  Yikes!  
 

Hang in there.  Hope will come back, too.

 

Rosetta

[Dejavu]

Hello sweet @Rosetta, how wonderful to hear from you! How are you feeling these days? I hope you are filling your days with sunshine, happiness and quality time with your little girl.

 

Yes, having to leave home in the throes of withdrawal was tough. I don't know how people who travel for work manage during withdrawal. As much as I adore our daughter and grandkids, being outside my safety zone for those three days was not fun. But at least we had a place to go. In fact, we were blessed to have several friends and family offer to take us in. So many people in Texas weren't so fortunate, and some actually died. Between the power outage, Covid and withdrawal, it was truly a low point. And I have no doubt that all these stressors, coming as they have all at once, have played a big part in why it's taking so long for me to stabilize this time. I know that you can relate when I say I'm just so tired of being sick. I really, truly hate to whine. But 3 crashes in 5 years...I'm not sure I even remember how it feels to be well. I hope I'm reminded very soon!

[Rosetta]

I know.  You must be so tired.  I was wonder if acupuncture would be if any use?  I would like to try it.

[arbor]

On 5/19/2021 at 9:22 AM, Dejavu said:

but it's so disappointing each time the window slams shut, and I have to tell myself "not yet," once again. Anyone feel the same? 

 

Oh, @Dejavu!  I so relate to this feeling.  It's good to hear from you.  I've wondered how you're doing.  Zoloft is a monster to withdraw and recover from.

 

 I too am just so tired of being sick.  You're definitely not "whining"--this horrible state is our life.  All we really have is support and mutual understanding as we all go through these confusing waves and windows.  At least here on this site we can be honest and know we're not alone.

I'm going through a challenging wave right now, and just putting one foot in front of the other.  Wish I were saying something uplifting like "a cure's been discovered and we'll all be restored and well overnight!"  Meanwhile I hold you in my heart.  🍀 Arbor

[sunnysideup69]

On 5/20/2021 at 3:40 AM, Dejavu said:

@sunnysideup69, thank you for the Easter greetings! Sorry I haven't checked in lately. Just kind of struggling a bit at the moment. I'm now 10 months post-crash but still not stable enough to resume my taper.

 

I really hope all is well with you. Have you begun your taper yet? Please let me know how you're doing. If memory serves, you've had some sad anniversaries fairly recently. I hope you are processing those well, and I hope your parents are as well as can be expected. Sending you hugs and healing energy from across the pond.

 

Hey friend! Good to hear from you.

 

I'm doing really well. Have stabilised, at last, nearly 22 months after horrible drug switch.

 

Am happy, content, peaceful. Any blips are very mild.

 

I'm being super cautious about tapering yet. I have second Covid vaccine on 18th of this month, and some dental work this month.....replacement of a crown. Am also doing a half marathon (walking) in September. SO, no changes for me before then.

Haven't had a wave since April, which was really a sugar crash. Am waiting for three calm months in a row before I begin a taper....also want to switch to bead format of my drug.

 

I know you will stabilise. Or rather, I would bet big money on it. Our brains and bodies have the most incredible capacity to reset themselves and heal, as long as we nourish them and resist temptation to do things which trigger waves.

 

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time over the last year. We really are so delicate whilst healing, can't stress that enough. But you will recover. It's so horrible being stuck in the loop of wondering when, but it does end.

 

Sending good vibes your way, my lovely xxx

[composter]

How are you doing lately @Dejavu? Have you been able to reach stability and do some tapering? I am sorry to hear about your crashes and I really hope those are behind you. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by composter

[Dejavu]

A little update from me. I'm sorry I tend to stay away for so long, but it's really necessary for my recovery that I take breaks from the forum when I'm overwhelmed. Thanks for checking in on me @composter @arbor and @sunnysideup69. Sunny, I'm so thrilled that you've stabilized! I know you are too. I never stop thinking about the wonderful thoughtful people I've been privileged to know here. That I can share this journey with people who understand has been a life saver for me. Literally.

 

As for my progress, I'm 14 months post-crash, and although I'm a lot better in general, I'm definitely not stable yet. In fact, I'm in a super-nasty wave at the moment. Haven't had one this bad in quite a while, and it really feels like moving backwards. The stressors in my life have been ridiculous - my husband has had some pretty scary health issues, which are now slowly and finally resolving. But I have had to step up and take on extra responsibilities while he is down, including his work load (we are business partners). I'm happy to do it; he's been an absolute rock for me during this five-years-and-counting AD odyssey. It's just really difficult to handle my own stuff while in withdrawal, not to mention his, too. Basically, we've both been struggling with our own issues while trying to be there for each other. I've been worried sick for him, and he for me. It's been a bumpy ride. I'm still in therapy for PTSD and the grief of losing 4 very important people to me in the span of 2 years. And then, let's throw Covid in on top of that - my 10 year old granddaughter just tested positive (terrifying for me, but thankfully, she's doing fine).  A minor disagreement with my brother last week was probably all it took to shove me over the edge and into a wave. The symptoms are not my usual ones - no dizziness, tremor, or skewed vision. But I'm having the worst bladder pain, like a UTI, but I've home-tested, and I'm negative. I've had this symptom before, but never this severe and never for 5 days straight. Along with big chemical depression and morning  anxiety, crazy-loud tinnitus, and tearfulness pretty much all day. 

 

It's been a long 14 months, but I had gotten to the point where I was seeing steady improvement. Other people were mentioning how much better I seemed, including my therapist. To fall into this big of a wave this far out has really gutted me. I'm questioning how much more of this I can take. I'm so tired. 

 

I think I recall some people on here mention a particularly nasty wave occurring right before they stabilized. I sure hope that's the case here. I'm really battle-weary.  If anyone has a word or two of encouragement for me, it would be very much appreciated.

[Sheera]

@Dejavuthanks for stopping by my page. ❤️ I do notice that my nastiest waves produce the most promising windows so hold on to that hope for yourself. I hope you have decent ways to distract yourself from all the emotions—a good binge on Netflix or something?  If you need any show ideas, let me know, I’ve watched them all. 
 

take care—Sheera 

[Rosetta]

((Dejavu)). Yes, there are some strong waves that hit like a ton of bricks.  I can second the opinion that there will most likely be a vast improvement after this hard wave.  It’s a nice silver lining.  You have that to look forward to and enjoy.

 

You have been through a lot.  I know that feeling of exhaustion.  Having to press on . . . Well, you will and you will get through.  Somehow you will as you have before.  Remember that your thoughts are not you, and having doubts means nothing except that you are human.  It’s going to be ok.

 

Rosetta

[Dejavu]

Awww, @Rosetta! Thank you so much! Nobody knows as much about how hard this journey is than you do. You suffered so very much. I remember reading some of your earlier posts and my heart just broke for you and your family. I sent you so much healing energy during those times! I'm so happy for you that you've reached a level of meaningful recovery. Nobody deserves it more. Hugs right back atcha!!

[Rosetta]

🥰

[Dejavu]

Well, okay...12 days so far and this wave is showing no sign of letting up. I have to confess to being extremely despondent over this. Just to quickly recap: In 2018, I crashed from a sertraline CT, reinstated and waited 11 months for stability. Felt very good and started my taper. Then, crashed from tapering too fast/dosing mistakes in July of 2020. It was a bad crash, too - every bit as bad as the original CT. Have been holding my dose ever since, and was finally starting to realize some real stability. Now, a nasty wave that feels way too familiar - not as severe as either of my previous crashes, but still way too familiar. The difference is, this time I've not done anything to cause it. I am beyond disappointed to be back here  - heartbroken would be more like it. Two weeks ago I was finally feeling well enough again to play with my grandkids, cook meals, lightly socialize and get back to work. And now -poof!- gone again. 

 

I know I'm indulging in self-pity. I get that this is "just a wave." I realize this will pass and baseline will return. But for some reason, (probably because one of my symptoms is extreme self-doubt), I hear that horrible little voice in my ear whispering the P-word (permanent), and find I really need some reassurance. I don't know if I can do another year+ of this acute WD. I've been on this ride for 5 years now (starting with benzo WD), and boy do I need a break.

 

On a positive note, I remind myself I've gone from 3mg klonopin and 50mg sertraline in 2016 to benzo-free and 20mg sertraline today. I know I have years of tapering ahead of me, but I'm not even looking at resuming my taper right now - I just want a few months of relative normalcy before I get back to it. If it takes me another decade to come off, I can live with that, as long as I can have some quality of life while doing so. 

[sunnysideup69]

How r u, Dejavu?

[Rosetta]

I’m sorry I missed your post at the beginning of the month!  How are you feeling now?  I remember very well the despondency when a strong, random wave arrived.  -R

[Rosetta]

I hope you are feeling better.  -Rosetta 

[Dejavu]

,@sunnysideup69 @Rosetta @brassmonkey @Altostrata - sorry for the radio silence. I hope you are all doing well. After a beautiful 2 week window over Thanksgiving, I dropped back down into another wave in December, which persists to this day. It has now been 19 total months since I crashed. In that time, I have had a few windows - I even felt 100% in a couple of them - but mostly waves. I am tired and frustrated - I know I have to be patient, but gosh!

 

Brassmonkey assures me that he has yet to see someone not stabilize given enough time. But 19 months is certainly on the long end of things. Of course, lots of extenuating circumstances have no doubt prolonged the arrival of stability. The pandemic and all the havoc it has wreaked has severely affected me. I am also experiencing some PTSD from losing so many people close to me over the past few years. I am deep into a weekly combination of talk therapy and CBT. I realize that psychic "deep diving" is not really recommended during withdrawal, but honestly, I was in such a dark scary place that it became the lesser of two evils. I think the combination of withdrawal/pandemic/grief/health anxiety is causing stability to continue to elude me. 

 

I seem to recall having read somewhere on this site that sometimes the body doesn't "like" certain dosages, and some people find improvement in making a small cut even though they are not stable. I've been stuck at 20mgs for 19 months now. I have had a few short windows, but I'm stuck in this wave now for 3 months. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to walk on legs that don't feel like they might buckle under me at any moment, or reach for something without my hands trembling. Would any of you recommend trying a tiny cut? I'm thinking about .5 mg. Or should I take the fact that I have had some windows as an indicator that I should check my impatience and wait it out? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

 

Sunny and Rosetta, you don't know how much I appreciate your checking in on me. It may not look like it, but I really do. I just haven't been able to check in much during the pandemic - I get really triggered. Hopefully I will stabilize soon and that will change. Sunny, are you tapering? If so, how is it going for you?

 

[Rosetta]

Hi, Dejavú.  Wow, I’m so sorry to see you struggling like this.  I don’t know what you should do about the dosage.   Hopefully, someone will be able to give an opinion soon.  
 

I do know what you are going through, though, and it is incredibly difficult.  All I can say is that it will be worth it to keep going.  “Just keep swimming.”  Easier said than done, I know.  I spent a lot of time in the bathtub, ironically, not swimming, just sitting, watching Netflix on the iPad and putting more hot water in every 15-20 minutes.  That’s how I got through many months.

 

I hope it gets better soon. - Rosetta

[Dejavu]

Thank you @Rosetta, it's nice to talk with you. Thanks for the reminder to keep going. I need it right now. I hope you and your family are doing well.

[Dejavu]

16 hours ago, Dejavu said:

seem to recall having read somewhere on this site that sometimes the body doesn't "like" certain dosages, and some people find improvement in making a small cut even though they are not stable. I've been stuck at 20mgs for 19 months now. I have had a few short windows, but I'm stuck in this wave now for 3 months. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to walk on legs that don't feel like they might buckle under me at any moment, or reach for something without my hands trembling. Would any of you recommend trying a tiny cut? I'm thinking about .5 mg. Or should I take the fact that I have had some windows as an indicator that I should check my impatience and wait it out? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

@Altostrata @brassmonkey @ChessieCat @Gridley or any other mod? Opinions as to what is happening here? Can anyone recommend trying a small cut vs. continuing to hold my dose? It's been 19 months since I crashed, but have been holding at this dose for 20. Have had a few really good windows, but haven't been able to string together more than a couple of weeks before another wave hits. And the waves last upwards of 3 months or so. Any suggestions and/or guidance would be very much appreciated. 

[Altostrata]

17 hours ago, Dejavu said:

I seem to recall having read somewhere on this site that sometimes the body doesn't "like" certain dosages, and some people find improvement in making a small cut even though they are not stable.

 

It's not that the body doesn't "like" dosages, it's that over time, the way your body reacts to the drug changes. 

 

Do you recall the daily notes exercise? We need to look at those daily notes to see if the drug is creating the symptoms that you find destabilizing. If it is, it may be time to decrease it to reduce the adverse effects.

[Dejavu]

@Altostrata, thank you for your kind response. I will begin posting tomorrow. Hopefully your trained eye can pick up some clue I'm missing. 

 

Just FYI, I make my own liquid from water. Same manufacturer the whole time. I make 2 days' worth at a time and refrigerate the 2nd dose. 100 ml water measured in a graduated cylinder. I drop in one 25mg sertraline pill and let it dissolve. After shaking well and while the particles are still circulating, I pull and discard 5 mg, drink the remainder, then rinse the bottle and drink the rinse. I do reuse the bottles. Do you see any issues with this method? I've wracked my brain wondering if it's something I'm doing wrong. 

 

I dose religiously at 10pm each night. I am never late. It seems to have a sedating effect, which is why I dose at night. No alcohol. No caffeine. No recreational drugs. I have been alternating 2 ibuprofen/2 acetaminophen nightly since I hit this wave because both seem to have an anxiolytic effect on me and also because I have a bulging disk at C4, but I transitioned to magnesium last night and felt no real difference. If anything, I slept better. I don't intend to continue taking NSAIDS at bedtime.

 

My windows, when I do have them, are very, very good. Sometimes, my symptoms are entirely absent, and I think I'm on my way. Then I get smacked down again for seemingly no reason. 

[Dejavu]

@Altostrata

Sorry to consume your time, but a new and unforeseen wrinkle has arisen.

 

My husband has been struggling with severe head pressure and allergy-type symptoms for the past couple of years. Medicines, surgeries - nothing seems to help. Simply to rule out environmental causes, we just had an air quality assessment done on our house, and the report came back from the lab today. To my shock, we have toxic penicillus mold in our AC ducts - a lot of it. Way above acceptable levels. We will begin remediation immediately. Meanwhile, "Dr. Google" says that, in addition to the obvious nasal and pulmonary symptoms of long-term exposure to penicillus mold, others include: headaches, dizziness, anxiety, depression, vision issues, balance issues, fatigue and weakness. Given that some of these are my major symptoms, do you think it's prudent for me to hold my dose until my air ducts are replaced and my home cleaned? I still believe the tremor and weakness are zoloft-related symptoms (either wd or adverse effect), but wonder if mold exposure is exacerbating them. I will still be posting my daily notes, but I felt like I needed to share this with you as this is likely a part of the overall equation.