withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

February 26

2 hours ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Thank you so much. I just really don't know how to get through this again. It's inhumane...

Please, is there anyone else who tapered so slowly and still this happened? It's almost been 2 months off.

If things are too severe you could always consider reinstating your final dose, before stabilising and tapering even lower. Things will likely improve with time, but it’s always an option.

If you read this post from Rhiannon, I think she initially jumped at 0.01mg but it was too high, so she reinstated and tapered down to 0.001mg before successfully jumping.

February 26

Oh thank you Erimus! But isn't it risky? I'm almost 8 weeks off and tend to react very sensitively to dose changes, especially since I noticed lots of changes in my brain during those weeks.

I feel tempted but also can't risk it getting worse. Back then, after CT and reinstatement, I updosed just a little too much and a different kind of hell broke loose. Akathisia, rage, monophobia, severe tachycardia. I was certain I was going to die.

Tempted but very scared...

February 26

5 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Oh thank you Erimus! But isn't it risky? I'm almost 8 weeks off and tend to react very sensitively to dose changes, especially since I noticed lots of changes in my brain during those weeks.

I feel tempted but also can't risk it getting worse. Back then, after CT and reinstatement, I updosed just a little too much and a different kind of hell broke loose. Akathisia, rage, monophobia, severe tachycardia. I was certain I was going to die.

Tempted but very scared...

There is always a risk. You have to weigh up the severity of your current situation with the risk of reinstatement. If it is absolutely essential that you are functional then reinstatement is probably the best option. If you have the freedom in your life to suffer a bit more and deal with withdrawal then that is probably the best choice.

Things will get better over the coming months, it just depends if you have the flexibility in your life to cope with the turmoil.

February 26

Thank you! I absolutely do have the flexibility. What I don't have is the ability and resilience to suffer. At least not something like this. But I'm aware that's my problem. If I knew for sure... But I don't.

February 26

Thought I'd throw my thoughts here.

Some people can't relate to their WD self. When people are in extreme pain afterward the mind will down play it. They remember it was hell and despair, factually. But their mind cant comprehend the level of pain they went through.

I had anhedonia, constantly fight or flight fear, horrible dread. 40 something symptoms. I am not traumatized in a way I can understand it. I can tell you factually I was in complete and utter hell. I know the pain was beyond something I can comprehend. Still I never want to go back to that.

From what I see most people are able to dive back into living. I have heard people on other support sites say the same thing. That they can't remember how bad it was and they are enjoying life.

It takes time for neuroplasticity to occur. Hang in there.

February 26

@ThatOneGirlStitch thank you! I've read something like this, too. Withdrawal brain can't believe it. I cling on to anything. I just want to make it to the other side.

February 27

Hey there, from Rhi's Signature, I see she jumped from 0.01mg. Am I reading that wrong?

So, intuitively, I can't reinstate... But I also turn into this frozen child. It's remarkably similar to what I wrote here before. No idea how to get through...

February 27

1 hour ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Hey there, from Rhi's Signature, I see she jumped from 0.01mg. Am I reading that wrong?

So, intuitively, I can't reinstate... But I also turn into this frozen child. It's remarkably similar to what I wrote here before. No idea how to get through...

Did you jump at 0.01mg? It would be useful to add that to your signature so we can understand better.

Edit signature

The information about Rhiannon’s taper was just an example. Some people need to go even lower than 0.01mg.

Edited February 27 by Erimus

February 27

Oh, added it to my signature. I jumped from 0.02...

I just can't go back, I can't. If I knew for sure it worked... But as it is I can't.

February 27

10 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Oh, added it to my signature. I jumped from 0.02...

I just can't go back, I can't. If I knew for sure it worked... But as it is I can't.

I completely understand. All you can do is ride the waves. How is your sleep?

February 27

Umm, I do sleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Dreaming yes, I suspect I don't have really good deep sleep phases. I don't ever feel well rested. I also don't know how many hours I get.

And no napping, ever, because of immediate cortisol rushes.

Oh, and can I edit the tags of my topic? Reinstated isn't true anymore...

February 27

31 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Umm, I do sleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Dreaming yes, I suspect I don't have really good deep sleep phases. I don't ever feel well rested. I also don't know how many hours I get.

And no napping, ever, because of immediate cortisol rushes.

Oh, and can I edit the tags of my topic? Reinstated isn't true anymore...

As long as you're getting some rest recovery will be happening. Even those who don't sleep notice improvement in symptoms. The first few months after stopping are often the worse, before you transition to a windows and waves pattern of recovery. Obviously you'd hope this wouldn't happen given your slow and meticulous taper, but we cannot control how the body reacts.

Only moderators can alter the tags, mentors were meant to be able to but it doesn't work for me.

February 27

I'm not good at this... Last time I was frozen for a long time right until I stabilized. I feel this is how it's going to be this time, too

February 27

1 hour ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

I'm not good at this... Last time I was frozen for a long time right until I stabilized. I feel this is how it's going to be this time, too

All it takes is one window and you know you're heading in the right direction. Hopefully you get that glimmer of hope soon, given you're almost 2 months out.

February 27

Thank you. I do have improvements. You know, the ones that you barely notice and still are miserable.

February 28

I wonder where I went wrong last year. I wasn't always feeling good but it didn't feel related to withdrawal. But now looking back, it probably was.

February 28

You spent 4 years tapering off 0.5mg of escitalopram, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You couldn’t have gone much slower if you tried. Be patient with your mind and body.

February 28

Thank you Erimus! I'm extremely.... desperate, because this happened.

It's so, so similar to what I wrote on previous posts. Frozen. Coping skills kind of bouncing off of the withdrawal helmet.

I do kind of remember last time this only changed when fight or flight switched off.

February 28

And tbh, I feel I shouldn't write here how my jump to 0 went, to not scare anyone...

But I can't just keep it all in. It's such a lonely feeling from the inside.

February 28

1 hour ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Thank you Erimus! I'm extremely.... desperate, because this happened.

It's so, so similar to what I wrote on previous posts. Frozen. Coping skills kind of bouncing off of the withdrawal helmet.

I do kind of remember last time this only changed when fight or flight switched off.

You have to keep going in order to break through the horrible withdrawal symptoms. I guarantee they will go away with time, your taper was executed to perfection.

February 29

I get so angry at myself. I just sit and wait. How can I be this frozen? How is anything supposed to get better?

I really just want to survive this. I'm not strong. I don't know how...

February 29

I'm really, really trying to refocus my thoughts, distract. But this now to me feels like... This is going to take a looong time.

February 29

20 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

I'm really, really trying to refocus my thoughts, distract. But this now to me feels like... This is going to take a looong time.

How long have you been on the fish oil @withhopeinmyheart?

February 29

I'm taking it every other day or so. Kind of scared of possible reactions.

February 29

I know. I know I shouldn't ask, I know, nobody has a crystal ball. But do I have to expect years, like most people? Years, although I was so careful?

February 29

4 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

I know. I know I shouldn't ask, I know, nobody has a crystal ball. But do I have to expect years, like most people? Years, although I was so careful?

Probably not, but you're in an acute phase at the moment. Every minute feels like pain, but eventually things will start to become clearer as symptoms reduce in intensity and frequency.

March 2

I don't want to die. This feels like a race against time... I want to make it. Not being able to distract, to break the freeze mode, makes it so much harder...

March 2

21 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

I don't want to die. This feels like a race against time... I want to make it. Not being able to distract, to break the freeze mode, makes it so much harder...

Are you able to exercise? Walking a couple of hours a day is ideal distraction when you can’t concentrate.

March 2

Very rarely. I have POTS that is worsened by withdrawal.

My head can't understand that this is "just" healing. That it will pass. I'm trying to tell myself again and again. But everything is withdrawal, nothing distracts...

March 2

And I'm resisting and rejecting so much. I know I shouldn't... As soon as I'm in this... This typical wd state, there's only freeze mode for me

March 2

2 hours ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Very rarely. I have POTS that is worsened by withdrawal.

My head can't understand that this is "just" healing. That it will pass. I'm trying to tell myself again and again. But everything is withdrawal, nothing distracts...

Was POTS a condition you developed before taking SSRIs?

March 2

Yes. Probably had it all my life

March 2

Everybody pushes through. I just wait. Withdrawal does that to me. It's so traumatizing that I freeze. I do nothing. No chores, no hobbies, no skills, no cooking, barely ever outside. Everything scares me so I do nothing...

March 2

45 minutes ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

Everybody pushes through. I just wait. Withdrawal does that to me. It's so traumatizing that I freeze. I do nothing. No chores, no hobbies, no skills, no cooking, barely ever outside. Everything scares me so I do nothing...

Not everyone pushes through. I've spent months before just laying on the sofa, only getting up to eat and go to bed. We do what we have to do in order to get through it.

March 2

I can't... This can't be months... Just had a huge meltdown. I know all of us have to do it but I'm just... Thinking about having to die and not wanting to die... I don't know how to hold on. Every day... Every single day...

March 3

Is there maybe anyone where it was similar?

withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

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