withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

March 3

If you read the success stories, as I'm sure you have been, you'll probably find a story that you can relate to somewhat. Unfortunately, not everyone has an easy transition after a slow taper.

March 3

I did read them up and down. Months to years.... Don't know how

March 3

Hang in there! Things can only improve!

went trough hell myself last 2 month’s so I can relate. Last week I’m starting to feel better after a big jump/taper. You will start feeling better too, I’m sure you will!💪🏻

March 3

Oh it's good that you're feeling better! Thank you for your words. I just wish I was functioning...

March 5

I don't find anything within myself to hold onto. I have this traumatic immobility going on. Almost nothing is doable for me. I dread every day. Heart always racing. I don't know how to hold on.

March 5

I think nobody can truly help me because I can't help myself while being frozen. I feel horribly alone.

March 5

Sounds like the chemical changes of withdrawal have locked you in the freeze stage of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. It's part of our anatomy for a reason, but obviously during evolution it was never intended that we introduce man-made substances to alter our brain chemistry.

It will improve with time but it may take a good few months before you start to experience windows. In the early stages it's important to keep reinforcing the idea that you will heal, despite what your irrational mind tells you.

Edited March 5 by Erimus

March 12

Yes, Erimus. That's exactly it. The freeze response. Also it's almost eerie how I feel and write almost the same things as last time.

In the German forums we have the theory that somehow my injured CNS plays back what it knows from last time.

This is extremely hard.

I'll try to hang on with everything I have.

It is very, very disheartening to be going through the exact thing I tried to avoid with the slow taper.

And I know what you will say... I just hope it won't be months. It's too much in that freeze mode.

March 19

11 weeks off. Still frozen. Improvements are there, though not enough for my CNS to "let go". every three weeks I have to FORCE myself out to see my psychiatrist.

Overall it feels like pure survival.

March 21

Keep persevering

March 24

So much despair... I thought I had left this nightmare behind... Acceptance, I know.

Today was a day without acceptance. My brain jumps straight to the very dark thoughts.

March 25

15 hours ago, withhopeinmyheart said:

So much despair... I thought I had left this nightmare behind... Acceptance, I know.

Today was a day without acceptance. My brain jumps straight to the very dark thoughts.

When I have a really terrible day, I know that the next day won't be as bad. The hardest part is accepting and managing the variance.

March 26

Thanks for sticking with me, Erimus.

I'm so very much unable to accept that this happened. I look into other threads. People who kind of adapt to this journey. Nobody asked for this. People with adverse reactions. I read and every fiber of my being rejects that I'm in this again. And I'm still in the freeze response.

12 weeks. Things keep changing, improving. But nothing feels liveable.

I have the dark thoughts daily. Yet "testing" myself shows that I'm beyond terrified of acting on them.

Life feels so, so over. This feels endless.

March 26

The fact that, for the most part, people don't scream here in despair, day in and day out, is because they work really, really hard on acceptance, on techniques to get through. With some determination to get a good life back, no matter how long it takes.

I'm just broken...

March 26

Can't accept windows and waves, can't accept that it happened again. What chance do I have like this?

March 26

I don't want to be stuck because I'm doing everything wrong

March 27

I mean, I can't even really MOVE. My body is tense and paralyzed by silent terror. I'm not going to make it because I can't even start to work on coping...

March 28

Melissa Boutilier once mentioned she was in a video group chat with people at a similar point in their journey. There was always someone online. You could jump in and back out if it was too much. Even if it was just crying together. Supporting each other. I'd need something like that but guess it can't be forced. Needs to grow naturally.

March 29

Escitalopram is a tricky one but it does get better and you get to see the world in a unique way after this experience

April 1

Thank you @Yesyes123

This broke me badly... I can't see it ending.

I'm searching for others who are or were stuck badly in the freeze response. But can't seem to find it. Is it so uncommon?

April 2

I'm searching and searching. I can't find anyone so completely frozen for months on end...

April 3

I'm unable to hurt myself but I just want to go in my sleep. I'm not strong enough...

April 4

Please, I know barely anyone looks in this thread.

All the groups of course are about self help. Which means I'm wrong in all of the groups.

Part of me gave up in January. It's too much... Please

April 4

Hi,

I check on Your thread as I am suffering all the time just like You, but I'm still on the drug. There is just no other way than to endure day by day.

Are You able to go for a walk without aggravating symptoms? I find that in hardest moments going for a short walk helps me cope, as I can partially shift my focus to walking. Also taking shower seems to make me feel better, I don't know if it's universal and You can't be showering 24/7 but as a means for short respite it may help...

I'm sorry that I can't do more for You, I'm not really religious but I would like to believe that this suffering has some higher meaning and maybe after it is all over we will understand why we had to go through this.

I'll pray to anyone that'll listen for a window for You.

V.

April 4

@withhopeinmyheart

I suspect many check on your thread yet haven't commented. When I went through withdrawal, self-help didn't work. I felt beyond it. Like the poster above, I'm not really religious. Nor was Jesus, who criticized religion. With literally no other choice, I accepted His gift of faith, putting it on, as if a parachute. Holding tightly, talking with and crying out to Him. I clung tighter feeling that whatever happened, I wasn't alone. I relied on His promise that it wouldn't progress beyond what I could handle-with Him. It was still a terrifying fall. Nonetheless, things very slowly improved. As He promises, I eventually overcame that fall. Now on a small amount of the drug, I reduce monthly. My journey with Him continues. Sometimes it is great, other times not so much. Either way, nothing is worth giving up my Parachute. Your story helps greatly. I'm sorry it's at such a cost to you. I share who brought me through. Not necessarily the way I thought, He promises better 🙂 and has delivered. I'm praying for you and will continue to check on you.

m

April 4

Thank you @Vasherrand @mdwstrx for being there.

I very rarely go outside. I'm so stuck in the freeze response. Showering helps a little, but even that I do not enough.

I'm not religious in that way but do believe in something higher.

This time though... It's too much that it happened. I have battle fatigue. I didn't know I'd have to do this again.

It's evening here but I know in the morning I'll want to die again and even have images of how to in my head.

I'm so tired that I just reject. I don't want skills, I don't want improvements I don't want the marathon. It feels like it's either living or dying.

April 4

Basically there's no trying, there's no building my life back. I'm so done with this. I can't break the freeze response. How long is that going to stay... What an existence... I'm not strong. No one deserves this.

I don't know how to get through each day. Not doing anything...

April 4

@withhopeinmyheart

I recall the mornings being unbearable. It got better in the evening. If only barely. Distract and reframe until each bearable moment manifests. Those moments are proof and will carry you to the next as they grow more common. I tracked my moments on an excel spreadsheet to be able to see the progress.

April 5

I'm not even determined anymore. Shouldn't have happened... I don't want to help myself through, I'm so exhausted. I just need peace.

April 5

Surviving antidepressants... Not sure anymore. Why can't I be strong and determined?

April 5

Because this drugs mess with Your emotional state. The fact that You know that it is unnatural for You is evidence that it isn't You, it's the drugs.

April 8

Spending all of withdrawal syndrome unable to do anything, despite improvements? Has that ever happened?

I'm stuck. Flashbacks from cold turkey. I don't do normal things anymore.

April 11

On 4/5/2024 at 5:40 AM, mdwstrx said:

@withhopeinmyheart

I recall the mornings being unbearable. It got better in the evening. If only barely. Distract and reframe until each bearable moment manifests. Those moments are proof and will carry you to the next as they grow more common. I tracked my moments on an excel spreadsheet to be able to see the progress.

This is excellent advice, tracking has helped me so so much.

I completely understand how you feel, things are so hard to bear at times. The heightened emotions are tough. Don’t forget it’s artificial though, it’s all the drugs or their after effects.

Your brain is hard at work to heal!

if it helps, my life ground to a halt the first year and a half of this. I’ve since been healing if ever so slowly.

April 16

Thank you Portuguese Sea!

I've been wondering about something.

I crashed from a relatively small dose. So obviously, the small dose still had an effect on my brain. But did it also affect my personality? And also my original mental health issue?

Because my worst withdrawal symptom is fear. My original issue was anxiety.

Was the 0.5mg dose enough to keep that in check or did I manage that myself.

Because my worst case is: I have the freeze response now in withdrawal. But what if that seamlessly transitions into my own anxiety, which I then can't work on because I remain frozen?

Yeah, so how much do small doses affect us and/or our original issues?

withhopeinmyheart: crash and reinstating after escitalopram quick taper

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