ShiningLight: brain injury with gabapentin WD want off others

[Carmie]

Hi ShiningLight, 

 

Thank you for your message on my thread. I’m so very sorry to read about everything you’ve gone through lately. 
 

Sending you big hugs🤗

[ShiningLight]

TW, self harm

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mentions attempted suicide

 

That's what I tried a few weekends ago. All I can say is, Do NOT do that!!! I ended up having to go to the hospital the next day because I was worried about infection/sepsis. So of course I was "detained" in the psych unit. Do NOT do that!!! It was awful.

 

Also, do NOT overestimate the probability that you will actually die from your suicide attempt! You are more likely not to die in my opinion. Then you have to live with your injury and with the danger of admission to the psych unit.

 

What I noticed about the psych unit is that in addition to being a second class citizen that staff feels like they can order around, you have NO credibility! Behaviors that might be normal on the outside suddenly become weaponized as grave disability and further justification for a longer detainment, on the inside. Simple things, like feeling sick and not having a temperature, changing your mind (about anything), telling a joke that somebody else doesn't think is funny, etc.  

 

They also trick you. For example, in taking your picture for the legal hearing, they took my picture at 12:30 am when I just woke up and looked like crazy hell. They are basically trying to document a case against you, and there are a lot of them and only one you. Then they tricked me into not going to my detainment hearing by saying my family "pushed back" against my release, when in reality all they said was they wanted to make sure I was ready. I started keeping notes of behaviors that I did and why I did them in case I needed that.

 

I realized how incredibly easy it would be to become conserved and have your rights taken away forever. Maybe you aren't the best at managing your money on the outside, but you get by. Then you go inpatient and they don't let you have access to your funds, and suddenly, it's like Oh My God! She doesn't have capacity to manage her finances!!! 

 

In reality, this was all staff's doing, not allowing me access to my phone where my bills are, etc. It was incredibly scary. Also I had a different interpretation of what was going on with me than the doctor (his was inaccurate), and he was trying to say that my point of view was unreasonable--"Prove it!!!" he said. Otherwise I would be considered psychotic. Do you know how scary that is?! Do NOT do that!

 

Or say you are anti medication but the doctor notices that your legs are swelling from the starchy bad salty food in there. If you decline a diuretic...Oh My God! She doesn't have healthcare decision making capacity!!!

 

When you are inpatient, other people define your values and your rules and what's reasonable. You lose your own reality.

 

I was lucky to escape with only a 25 mg increase in Zoloft, which I will update my signature in a minute here.

 

Attempting suicide only added to my problems, including financial. Inpatient was just a holding tank with very low quality groups and no psychotherapy. And, the +25 mg Zoloft hasn't done any good for me. 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

@ShiningLight my heart goes out to you.

I've been in those places and you can truly not win. I hate to hear how terrible it was and wish I could wrap you in comfort.

[RachelSusan]

@ShiningLight It looks like you are posting to help someone else, not sure.  I am concerned about you though. I am so sorry you went through this. I don't know what you are feeling at the moment, so I send my support to you. I encourage you to come back here more frequently, at least for a little while. You may not feel like it but it would give all of us a chance to be more supportive of you.

[Carmie]

You poor thing @ShiningLight

 

I’m so extremely sorry for what you’ve gone through, that’s absolutely heartbreaking. Psych wards can be like prison, all your rights can be taken away if you were admitted involuntarily. Being made to feel like you’re not even human would have been so devastating, my heart breaks for you. 
 

Please come back and interact on this site more as everyone here can relate to the absolute torture of going through withdrawals and when it’s severe it can definitely make you suicidal. There’s no judgment here. Please continue to get the support you need. 
 

Sending you much love💛

[FireflyFyte]

@ShiningLight - I am so sorry to hear of your recent experiences. I hope you continue to share here so we can support you.

[Carmie]

Dear @ShiningLight

 

Just popping in again to see how you’re doing as I’m concerned about you. Please let me know how you’re coping when you feel up to it. Again, I’m so very sorry for your recent experience. We are all here for you on this site, we know how hard it is to deal with WDs and that it all gets too much. You’re not alone. 
 

Sending you some sunshine from sunny Queensland☀️☀️

[ShiningLight]

Thank you so much. Facing some frightening hard times, why I didn't want to be on the planet. Life is unraveling. Here for family and friends. Just so deeply sad and scared. It's not depression/withdrawal. My life circumstances right now are somewhere I never thought they'd be. 

[Carmie]

20 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Thank you so much. Facing some frightening hard times, why I didn't want to be on the planet. Life is unraveling. Here for family and friends. Just so deeply sad and scared. It's not depression/withdrawal. My life circumstances right now are somewhere I never thought they'd be. 

I’m extremely sorry to read that your life circumstances are what have made you so frightened ShiningLight, 

 

I seem to be in a state of fear too as I’m struggling to breathe 24/7 and am extremely claustrophobic all the time. It’s been 16 months with no reprieve. I fear I will never get any remission, but I’m trying to not give up hope, even though it feels like this flare won’t ever end. Whether it will or won’t I don’t know. Life is scary. 
 

Sending you hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

ShiningLight, 

 

All I can say is that I’m thinking of you.  I’m glad you are back outside, and I hope you are doing ok, all things considered.  That’s all canned, rote, and uninspiring, I know.  If Only I could give you a hug!  (and punch out all those staff who treated you that way!)

 

Please let us give you support.  Tag me if you need me.  I’m not very good at checking back in, but I get emails from SA.

 

All my love, Rosetta
 

 

[ShiningLight]

Made the mistake of telling primary care doctor some things I didn't tell hospital doctors. Dumb, because he told them, and now I risk being "detained" for rehospitalization when I go to the partial program Monday. I'm safe but they think I'm crazy. Learning just how infantilizing the "mental health" system can be. So scared they will put me in again.

[Carmie]

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

Made the mistake of telling primary care doctor some things I didn't tell hospital doctors. Dumb, because he told them, and now I risk being "detained" for rehospitalization when I go to the partial program Monday. I'm safe but they think I'm crazy. Learning just how infantilizing the "mental health" system can be. So scared they will put me in again.

So sorry to hear this ShiningLight, we have to be careful what we tell people, I wish I could take away your distress💛

[ShiningLight]

Entering into burn out the friends territory. Awful feeling. Friend wants to be there for me but can't listen to my stuff, it's too hard and she has a medical condition that is limiting for her so she has to limit me for her own health. 😭

 

On the good news front, I didn't get rehospitalized today. I am so grateful for that!!!

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2023 by ShiningLight
adding info

[RachelSusan]

@ShiningLight So glad you did not get re-hospitalized. That is something to celebrate.

 

I think we have all been there with burning out friends. It's not a good feeling but understandable.

[ShiningLight]

@RachelSusanyeah thanks, I think I handled it maturely at least. In the past I would not, I would have only thought of myself. 🙄

 

 

[ShiningLight]

What do you do when you need support and the only thing offered is the "mental health" system, with its focus on medication and "compliance." Utter disaster. Imagine someone having the power to mark you as "noncompliant" when you have very good reasons for not wanting to add or change drugs. No one has marked me as noncompliant at this point. I can't believe how awful the "mental health" system is. I just want a therapist but my insurance won't give me a therapist until I finish these structured "treatment programs." It's all very coercive with professionals having decision making power. Also my insurance doesn't provide 1:1 weekly therapy, infamously short staffed HMO.

[ShiningLight]

Just reread my thread from the gabapentin days. Have been in such a wretched place that I was thinking about trying a different drug. Rereading that reminded me of of the hot place under the ground I went through, and the tremors from klonopin...cured me of that idea. These drugs do not agree with me. 

 

The increase from 87.5 to 100 mg Zoloft isn't doing much for me except giving me more side effects, more hip and toe spasms. No real positive mood effects. And it's making my head feel cold and me shiver my head and shoulders involuntarily sometimes. Side effects. 

[RachelSusan]

@ShiningLight The side effects from your forced up dose of Zoloft really stink. I feel bad that you are going through this.

 

Thank you for stopping by my page.

[ShiningLight]

It's no joke when people talk about how manufacturers make a difference in drugs!

My HMO switched from Teva to Accord Healthcare for trazodone, and it doesn't cause sleepiness anymore! It sucks. I'm going to complain to the FDA or whoever. And the HMO.

 

OK I took it with peanut butter and am now sleepy. 😅 I wasn't eating alot.

Edited February 22, 2023 by ShiningLight

[Carmie]

Hi @ShiningLight

 

How have you been faring?💛

[Oaktree1]

Hi ShiningLight,

 

I followed your story over the past few months - what you  went through is beyond awful but reading your story helped me - I didn't feel so alone after having read it.  You appear to have learnt a painful lesson - if you make a suicide attempt that fails you end up in the torture of the mental health system - that's no understatement.  Thank goodness you were not re hospitalised.  Really the only way to deal with doctors is as little as possible and not expect any help or support in terms of emotional well being or withdrawal from drugs - most of them know nothing and just follow the framework they're in.  That is what I decided to do a while ago.  I know you are waiting for therapy but in my experience talk therapists aren't great either.   I think that body work is more soothing and better for someone that has been through a deeply traumatic experience - massage, Alexander Technique, Somatics - to have another person touch your body gently.  I don't know whether this is something that is affordable for you at present.

 

Anyway just wanted to come on and say that I salute your courage and your journey over the past few years.  Be kind to yourself because you deserve lots of kindness.

 

Oaktree

[Rosetta]

Shining Light?  I saw your message today.  I don’t know what to say, but I will try.

 

Updosing by that much — I understand you did not have choice — is unfortunate, but you are not in the hospital.  So, that’s a plus.  The hip and toe spasms indicate extra-pyramidal effects.  You should report them — in writing if you can.  If you only tell someone — do that, too — the person may not put it in notes.  
 

I’m wondering if they have a way of knowing if you are taking the full 100?

[ShiningLight]

@Oaktree1 Thank you for what you wrote. I'm glad you are finding bodywork helpful.

@Rosettagood point re side effects, thanks!

[Rosetta]

I’m sad that I did see your post about SI for so long, but please let me know if I can help.  I will try to check in here more often.  I’m coming out of a wave that started last month, so I’m able to check here.  I know that when circumstances are grim IRL, they are far too much to handle while struggling with WD symptoms.  I suspect the updose is not so good? If you feel you ca, please let me know how you are.  I wish I could fix it for you.  -R

[Carmie]

Thinking of you @ShiningLight Hope you’re doing okay 💛

[Rosetta]

I’m thinking of you, too!

[Carmie]

Just checking in to see if you’re okay @ShiningLight  A lot of people on here are concerned about your well-being💛

[Oaktree1]

@ShiningLight

 

You haven't been on the site since 24 March last - that is nearly 7 weeks ago - I hope that you are alive if not ok.  I don't come on the site a huge amount.  I have been thinking of you and what you went through for the past few days.  I hope you are still there.  I have been in a similar position to you a few times - burnt out friends and family - know what it is like to be alone when you are suffering.  It's bad.  I hope you can come through.

 

Oaktree1

[Oaktree1]

Shining Light hasn't been on this site for nearly two months and was in a bad way before that.  I fear the worst for this person. 

[Rosetta]

Still thinking of you, ShiningLight.  - Rosetta

[Oaktree1]

Just checking your profile @ShiningLight - hope that you are out there somewhere.

[Sottana]

Hope you’re still fighting. All of us with extreme SI have to somehow stick together and keep fighting. 

[Carmie]

Dear @ShiningLight A lot of people on this site are concerned about you and hope you’re doing okay. Please let us know how you are if you log in💛

[Rosetta]

Sending you all the best vibes, @ShiningLight -🧚‍♀️Rosetta

[Carmie]

Please let us know if you’re okay @ShiningLight, sending big hugs your way🤗

[Oaktree1]

Hi @ShiningLight

 

I wonder where you are and whether you are ok

 

Oaktree1