Onmyway: I want this to stop

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

I have run out of reaction tokens and words, too, but am sending you a virtual hug from my real-life heart! 

 

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

Thank you so much for the support and compassion you have gifted me with in my thread.

Your warmth and wisdom are palpable and I appreciate your messages more than I can say. 

I am thinking of you today and sending wholehearted gratitude and well wishes your way. 

<3

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

 

I greatly appreciate your various contributions generously sharing your experience with and insight into CBT, IFS, and EMDR. It's helpful to read about these modalities and consider the possibilities. I've enjoyed watching the Derek Scott videos and worksheets you link to.

Thank you.

 

I keep forgetting to mention Babette Rothschild. Do you know her work? If not I highly recommend it.

 

Since you've written before about reading/using material written for therapists and practitioners, I wonder whether you'd appreciate Rothschild's books.

 

I've found her The Body Remembers - The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment series (three books total) tremendously helpful and interesting. I imagine you may already be familiar with the theoretical knowledge; even so, the clinical examples and Rothschild's touching, grounded humanity make for worthwhile reading.

 

Rothschild also offers somatic trauma therapy training. I like to look up info about training programs led by teachers and authors whose work I respect. Sometimes there's a reading list posted, which is a great way to glean book recommendations as well as better contextualize where their own work is coming from.

 

Thinking of you, holding space for your experience --

Healing is happening <3

A.  

[Onmyway]

It's been a while since my last update. Things have been generally ok though with occasional downs which I don't attribute to withdrawal but to interpersonal issues. The solitude was nice and short and the three day trip with some new friends was eventful and exciting in a nice way.

 

I think I may be at the end of a window. I had a very bizarre dream last night in which someone I felt I knew was planning and committed a suicide and I couldn't do anything to stop it. SI has not been a WD symptoms for me except in very few distinct instances. The dream was so vivid, though, it was scary. I am holding for the next few days because of this transition and air travel with time change and change of dosage timing.

 

I'm hoping that if a wave comes it ends up being quick. Don't we all wish this!

 

OMW 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Onmyway]

On 6/23/2022 at 9:07 PM, Ariel said:

@Onmyway

 

I greatly appreciate your various contributions generously sharing your experience with and insight into CBT, IFS, and EMDR. It's helpful to read about these modalities and consider the possibilities. I've enjoyed watching the Derek Scott videos and worksheets you link to.

Thank you.

 

I keep forgetting to mention Babette Rothschild. Do you know her work? If not I highly recommend it.

 

Since you've written before about reading/using material written for therapists and practitioners, I wonder whether you'd appreciate Rothschild's books.

 

I've found her The Body Remembers - The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment series (three books total) tremendously helpful and interesting. I imagine you may already be familiar with the theoretical knowledge; even so, the clinical examples and Rothschild's touching, grounded humanity make for worthwhile reading.

 

Rothschild also offers somatic trauma therapy training. I like to look up info about training programs led by teachers and authors whose work I respect. Sometimes there's a reading list posted, which is a great way to glean book recommendations as well as better contextualize where their own work is coming from.

 

Thinking of you, holding space for your experience --

Healing is happening ❤️

A.  

Thanks for your kind words @Ariel

and for continued support. I have heard of BR but not much - just that she's in the trauma circle. I have attempted somatic self therapy but i don't know if it's the right fit for me. I am too impatient, too in my head, too something. That's why it is probably really indicated for me

 

I will have a look. I am always curious about trauma therapy works. Thank you for pointing me in that direction. 

 

I am sorry I have been a bit frazzled with getting ready to move and work the last couple of days. I am glad that you had a nice big window. Isn't WD just incredible in how it switches on us. Pls enjoy your window. Hope it brought you renewed hope.

[hayduke]

@Onmyway I'm sorry to hear your friend let you down.  Sounds like you have been as patient as you can and I'm sure you'll feel better with some distance on it all.  At least now you won't wonder what would've happened if you hadn't.  Sounds like your dreams are guiding you out of harm's way, honestly.

I'm reminded a "withdrawal buddy" who eventually decided she wasn't going to withdraw after all and just generally kept breaking our deal.  Someone who will do better by you always comes along, especially as you get better at kicking out the duds before they can really make a mess.

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

I'm sorry about the "Interpersonal issues".

Sigh. 

I hear you. 

 

I'm glad you were able to enjoy the 3-day trip in the midst of it. 

 

WD is really teaching me how much of a social being I am, for better and for worse. I'd venture a conservative estimate that 99% of what my neuro-emotions and WD-thoughts obsess over has to do with social interactions, behavior, relationships, interpersonal issues. The slightest perceived rejection, abandonment, mistreatment, punishment (etc.) can set things off, as well as my own social ineptitude. Anytime I feel like someone else's behavior is surprising/unexpected, when there's an element of unpredictability/volatility -- even if I rationally can see it's benign and impersonal -- if these changes are not specifically acknowledged and addressed I start to lose my mind. Misunderstandings and miscommunication can send me over the edge. I don't know how this ties in with C-PTSD stuff (insecure attachment, etc.), it might well do (surfacing old learned patterns and so on). But after my recent window experience I know it's WD and not me stirring the pot, which helps a lot.  

 

I don't have much to say except that I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself. You're doing what you feel is needed, e.g. moving on, holding longer, honoring your parts. 

 

I wish you luck, peace, ease, meaning on this next leg of your journey. 
Safe travels <3

A. 

 

[arbor]

16 hours ago, Onmyway said:

Once it became clear that it is not going to get better and I will not get the time I just bought my ticket and am now on my way to my new place (2 months to work on other projects and see very dear friends). 

 

I admire your ability to move on!  I also hope the wave will be short--

Sending hugs,

Arbor💜

[Knosretep]

Hi @Onmyway

 

Sorry to read about all the bad stuff happening in the past while.  

 

I'm glad to read that you are tapering again.  Are you still taking 0.25 klonopin a week?  It looks like that from your signature but I thought you were off it.

 

Hope the new move finally works out and is a place that you can find the peace and stability to resume your taper and do some proper healing and recovery in.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Onmyway]

On 6/29/2022 at 4:50 AM, hayduke said:

@Onmyway I'm sorry to hear your friend let you down.  Sounds like you have been as patient as you can and I'm sure you'll feel better with some distance on it all.  At least now you won't wonder what would've happened if you hadn't.  Sounds like your dreams are guiding you out of harm's way, honestly.

I'm reminded a "withdrawal buddy" who eventually decided she wasn't going to withdraw after all and just generally kept breaking our deal.  Someone who will do better by you always comes along, especially as you get better at kicking out the duds before they can really make a mess.

@hayduke thanks so much for the support. I find that in withdrawal (and perhaps before that but I hadn't really paid attention), so many things get better with distance and time. Sometimes they don't but often 'cooling down' puts a new perspective on things. 

 

I am quite sensitive to people not doing what they say they will do. I perfectly respect their right to do what they wish but I like to be informed so I can make the best decisions for myself whether it is to make sacrifices or move on from a situation. I feel like I am even more sensitized to this going through withdrawal because I feel like I was so let down by people who did not inform me about the drugs I took and as a result my life  has been disrupted and changed. I suspect I will 'mellow down' at some point with it. It is an important sensitivity to have as it helps us create boundaries and stand up for ourselves and when you have interpersonal trauma (esp. childhood) it is not easy to stand up for oneself or to know when that standing up for oneself is 'too much' and can threaten otherwise healthy relationships. 

 

How have you been doing @hayduke? How is post-zero treating you? You are one of the people I admire here for going through the really difficult task of processing your trauma. I am trudging along but it is slow. But bravely following in your steps

 

 

[Onmyway]

On 6/30/2022 at 11:01 AM, Knosretep said:

Hi @Onmyway

 

Sorry to read about all the bad stuff happening in the past while. 

 

I'm glad to read that you are tapering again.  Are you still taking 0.25 klonopin a week?  It looks like that from your signature but I thought you were off it.

 

Hope the new move finally works out and is a place that you can find the peace and stability to resume your taper and do some proper healing and recovery in.

Hi @Knosretep, 

nice to see you back. How is the switch to diazepam going so far? 

 

Thanks for alerting me, I just realized that my sig is not very clear. I need to fix it. One of these days. And update that I am now at 0.633 mg of citalopram which is (only) 20% SERT occupancy! Yaay! I am 3/4 down in occupancy in 3.4 years. It can be seen as sad or a cause for celebration. I choose the latter. 

 

I took clonazepam only in Feb 2019. I had taken xanax occasionally before then for years and regularly in Feb of 2019 but started clock-watching and stopped cold turkey, then was so sleepless that begged the GP for clonopin and he prescribed 2mg of which I only took 0.25 (GPs are not good at evaluating doses of these) which was enough to knoc me down in terms of sleep. But it also gave me horrible side effects. I didn't initially realize that these were from the clonazepam but it made me very nauseous and deeply depressed - sluggish, sad, gloomy incl the rare SI. I think my initial WD symptoms were partly from these two cold turkeys of xanax and clonazepam. But I didn't know enough to do it any differently or to even realize it at the time. 

 

While complaining and worrying I often forget to be grateful for the wonderful things that go well in those relationship. For example, when I arrived at this friend's (where I am staying now until my lease is ready) she wasn't here but she had cooked my favorite food and left it in the fridge for me to find when I arrived. I find that incredibly sweet but don't necessarily write about it here. 

 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Onmyway]

On 6/29/2022 at 8:00 PM, arbor said:

 

I admire your ability to move on!  I also hope the wave will be short--

Sending hugs,

Arbor💜

Thank you so much @arbor. I don't know that it is admirable but this ability to move on has been an important adaptive skill and gotten me through a lot of very difficult times. I find that the more attached I am to a certain outcome in life, the less likely that outcome is to happen. I guess this attitude is fatalistic in the sense that it sees life as happening to us rather than us having control of it. But that has been my experience of life. I thought I made all the right careful decisions in life and here I am dependent on less than a mg of poison called a drug. Wishing it was otherwise only makes me sad and angry and those spirals don't end well for me. They scare me to death, in fact. 

 

When I undertook this 'nomadic period of my life' a few months ago, right before I left I panicked. I was leaving my apartment, I was going into uncertainty, I was scared that things could go very wrong (and they have ended up less than ideal for sure). So it was during that time that I decided I would see this as an adventure rather than unsettlement. It might have been a friend who called it that and I latched onto the expression. I don't remember. It has allowed me to roll with the punches when things have gone wrong. 

 

You can tell I am writing this in my evening window. My mornings are not this 'chill' at all. But one of the reasons why I undertook this nomadic lifestyle was that the few months before this I was so stuck in my own head and in the ruminations that I was getting scared for myself. This has offered enough distraction. Not enough to taper faster but enough to stay 'sane' for the most part. The things we need to do to get through fight this nasty beast! 

 

Hope you are doing OK, arbor! I am thinking of you often.  I am wishing you peace and strength and sending you hugs, 

OMW

 

 

[Onmyway]

On 6/29/2022 at 5:27 AM, Ariel said:

@Onmyway

I'm sorry about the "Interpersonal issues".

Sigh. 

I hear you. 

 

I'm glad you were able to enjoy the 3-day trip in the midst of it. 

 

WD is really teaching me how much of a social being I am, for better and for worse. I'd venture a conservative estimate that 99% of what my neuro-emotions and WD-thoughts obsess over has to do with social interactions, behavior, relationships, interpersonal issues. The slightest perceived rejection, abandonment, mistreatment, punishment (etc.) can set things off, as well as my own social ineptitude. Anytime I feel like someone else's behavior is surprising/unexpected, when there's an element of unpredictability/volatility -- even if I rationally can see it's benign and impersonal -- if these changes are not specifically acknowledged and addressed I start to lose my mind. Misunderstandings and miscommunication can send me over the edge. I don't know how this ties in with C-PTSD stuff (insecure attachment, etc.), it might well do (surfacing old learned patterns and so on). But after my recent window experience I know it's WD and not me stirring the pot, which helps a lot.  

 

I don't have much to say except that I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself. You're doing what you feel is needed, e.g. moving on, holding longer, honoring your parts. 

 

I wish you luck, peace, ease, meaning on this next leg of your journey. 
Safe travels <3

A. 

 

@Ariel

how do you pinpoint all these issues with so much insight and clarity! I worry that if we ever met in real life you would be just a mirror image of me OK, I don't really worry, I have thought about it

 

I feel like withdrawal just amplifies all our insecurities and vulnerabilities. It brings them into sharp relief and it is impossible to miss them. C-PTSD creates vulnerabilities in us but also 'superpowers' in some ways. We are more empathetic/more attuned to the vicissitudes of others' behavior. There was a TV show once - someone was very 'gifted' in reading people and so was recruited into some special group. It was eventually revealed that the person with those abilities had lived a childhood with a volatile alcoholic parent and so they had to be able to gauge the potential mood/behavior of the parent and be prepared. C-PTSD, I think, is similar. In an interpersonally unsafe environment the child needs to be always vigilant and is sensitive to cues. When will the anger escalate? When will the yelling begin? In the end, the child's life, psychologically or physically speaking, depends on it. So slights that others ignore are caught by people who have lived through difficult situations like that. Is it a super power? A vulnerability? We can choose how we see it. 

 

I like your abbreviation F-CEM @Ariel Today F is extreme for me, a consequence of the stress of the travel hopefully and not of some bug caught on planes and airports. People are much less careful and sneeze and sniffle without masks these days. 

 

Hugs, 

OMW

 

 

[Knosretep]

3 hours ago, Onmyway said:

I don't think I run into interpersonal things more often than others, I think it bothers me more than it bothers others as @Arielquite astutely observed. And I think that is true in WD more than it was before. To be fair I am very extroverted and definitely a people person in the sense that relationships are important for me and a priority. So when that doesn't go well it can take me off balance. Other things I can take in stride without any issue - for example, my travel to here took 36 hrs instead of the planned 6 hrs - flight was delayed, after much waiting got cancelled, then got rescheduled, then delayed again. We had to get hotels which was hard and when I got to the hotel their systems were down so my reservation was lost and took another hour by which point it was early morning the next day etc. but those things don't really faze me much. These are problems that can be solved. I just realized how much tension I must have been holding during those 36 hrs because all my muscles are hurting today (I arrived here at 4 am).  However, if a friend said something cross, it would bother me for days. So there is that sensitivity. We all have our sensitivities in withdrawal. And negative biases. While complaining and worrying I often forget to be grateful for the wonderful things that go well in those relationship. For example, when I arrived at this friend's (where I am staying now until my lease is ready) she wasn't here but she had cooked my favorite food and left it in the fridge for me to find when I arrived. I find that incredibly sweet but don't necessarily write about it here. 

 

To top it off, my work is entirely with people - on a daily basis I interact with many of them and because we work intensely on separate projects, sometimes for years, work/personal boundaries blur. Not in terms of impropriety but in terms of expectations - we get to know each other's families, stay in each other's houses etc. So these relationships need to be negotiated and renegotiated and fine-tuned constantly. And people are, in general, complex. We have conflicting wishes, limited resources, multiple demands on our time, complex pasts. We don't always understand each other. Sometimes we don't even understand ourselves. Withdrawal amplifies this but it is true of people not in withdrawal as well.

 

And I find people do not always communicate well. The world would be so much easier to navigate if people were honest with others and themselves and said what they meant. Then the rest of us would know what to do as well. This has been my issue with the friend who promised too much and was ultimately not able to deliver. He has lots of demands on his time (fair enough) and wants to be nice and is excited about lots of projects but in the process is delaying others when he can't deliver in the end. It can be very frustrating on the 'receiving end' of these unfulfilled promises because people (me in this case) make changes to their lives based on those promises. In my case I undertook my 'nomadic period' [this makes me chuckle] in order to be able to work with this person. I literally uprooted my life. 

 

What's done is done, I have learned my lesson. It is probably not the last time this will happen to me but I will be more careful with my boundaries and not make such drastic changes to my life on a promise. 

 

In reading "Feeling Good Together" the author mentions a "radically different approach" to dealing with relationship issues that they call Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy, CIT.  I haven't gotten too far into it yet, but it made me think of you.  Maybe you've already heard of it, or could possibly be familiar with it or its concepts, but based on what you wrote about your work with people it seems like knowing these concepts (if you don't already) could be beneficial for you.  Just throwing that out there.

 

[Onmyway]

Ah, I did something so stupid - I messed up my dose. I was increasing the concentration of my liquid and miscalculated something and went from 0.633mg to 0.663 which is a 4% increase and I took that dose for 2 days. I am not sure of the effects - there has been so much happening with the travel and the anger over stuff that I am not sure what is what. Today went down to 0.626 to balance things out and tomorrow will be back to 0.633. 

 

Had a really nice dinner and ice cream with a friend from uni yesterday - someone I hadn't seen in 10 years. It turned out that they had been on ADs as well but said no WD coming off. Now suffering from insomnia and taking other drugs. I suspect that that is treating the WD effects. We didn't get to discuss it much and I suspect they may not be open to learning about WD - it is that kind of environment here but I will say my piece when I see them again  The more people we can help the better. 

 

Tomorrow quite a lot of socializing planned. Hopefully that will get me away from the anger spirals and rumination. I have been so fatigued the last few days that I have been mostly in bed and left the house once in 3 days. I think my other health issues are resurfacing. 

[Carmie]

@Onmyway It’s easy to miscalculate and make mistakes in tapering, good on you for catching it early on though and doing a u-turn. My wonderful brain did an oopsy yesterday too, I forgot to take my dose last night as I was very stressed with all my health issues, and I had a lot on my mind.

 

I couldn’t fall asleep and was still awake at 4am in the morning, after which a light bulb went off in my head n I realised I hadn’t taken the Seroquel. I’m not looking forward to the time when I get rebound insomnia, maybe the slow tapering might not make it as intense. Who knows? All I know is that when I’ve forgotten an occasional dose I don’t sleep at all, and I mean not a single hour. Last night I thought I just wasn’t falling asleep because I was stressed, but nope I forgot my meds. 
 

Anyway, I ended up taking it a 4am and got a few hours sleep. It’s funny, I’ve never gotten a bad reaction when I’ve occasionally forgotten it and taken it many hours later. When I was going to concerts I always took it when I came home after midnight instead of at the usual time. No problems at all, though a lot of people probably couldn’t get away with that. 
 

I’m so very sorry for that extremely inconsiderate person, that’s awful what you went through, it makes you really be careful about who you can trust when things like that happen. 
 

So glad you had a lovely interaction with an old friend yesterday, it brightens one’s day to have such an interchange of encouragement. Have a nice time socialising tomorrow, I hope it boosts your spirits🧡

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

I am so in awe of you long, slow taper-ers. You face a singular set of challenges. 

I hope the return to your desired dose affords swift and smooth stabilizing without undue shaking up. 

It sounds like you are handling the discovery of the miscalculation well, which is a credit to your hard work of practicing regulating and non-drug coping skills. I can imagine it might be anxiety-inducing to realize something like this. Sounds like you have sufficient capacity to take a step back, recalibrate and get on track. Kudos. 

 

On 7/3/2022 at 7:54 AM, Onmyway said:

Had a really nice dinner and ice cream with a friend from uni yesterday - someone I hadn't seen in 10 years. It turned out that they had been on ADs as well but said no WD coming off. Now suffering from insomnia and taking other drugs. I suspect that that is treating the WD effects. We didn't get to discuss it much and I suspect they may not be open to learning about WD - it is that kind of environment here but I will say my piece when I see them again  The more people we can help the better. 

 

Glad you had a nice time. Hats off for your openness about ADs and WD. You are planting seeds. 

 

On 7/3/2022 at 7:54 AM, Onmyway said:

I have been so fatigued the last few days that I have been mostly in bed and left the house once in 3 days. I think my other health issues are resurfacing. 

  

I respect a good lie-in. You've had so much going on, externally and internally, the past weeks, it makes sense to feel tired. I'm sorry about your health issues. I hold space for your experience. Take care, dear Onmyway, go gently <3

[Onmyway]

I was inspired by @Carmie to start a tiny (because I am falling alseep) gratitude list. 

 

1. I am grateful for a productive work meeting today

2. for being able to walk for an hour despite the fatigue and not being as short of breath!

3.  for a quick nap, one of those where you can't keep your eyes open

4. Grateful that the eggplant I cooked for my friends was ok, even slightly better than ok. 

5. Grateful for a very affectionate kitty who seeks me to cuddle. She gave me quite a scare after throwing up everywhere this morning but apparently that's fine with cats (she's not mine). 

6. Grateful for an evening window! 

7. And most importantly, grateful for wonderful people at SA who lift up my spirits. 

[Onmyway]

Not sure what caused this but today have been dealing with crushing fatigue! I had this after the second dose of the Covid vaccine as well which made me stay away from all the boosters. If I could just drink into the bed and never get up I would.

[Ariel]

I hear you @Onmyway

Sometimes even turning over seems insurmountable!

When it's like this I imagine that, unbe-consciously-knownst to me, my physiology is performing staggering feats of healing analogous to the most mind-blowing, gravity-defying, world-changing, supreme-extreme-elite-level creative achievements. 

Sometimes I watch videos of my favorite athletes, artists, scientists (etc.) excelling in full force, and I tell my bedbound self:

That's what my body's doing right now, that's what's happening on the inside. 

You know what? Not only does this often re(st)assure me, I actually kind of believe it.

Healing is happening all the time. No wonder we're tired!

Sending you the laziest minimal-exertion but no less heartfelt hug 

[OldDodgy]

@Ariel

Lovely thoughtful post. 
 

@OnmywayI I hope the extreme fatigue improves very soon. 
 

OD

[Carmie]

On 7/5/2022 at 4:40 PM, Onmyway said:

I was inspired by @Carmie to start a tiny (because I am falling alseep) gratitude list. 

 

1. I am grateful for a productive work meeting today

2. for being able to walk for an hour despite the fatigue and not being as short of breath!

3.  for a quick nap, one of those where you can't keep your eyes open

4. Grateful that the eggplant I cooked for my friends was ok, even slightly better than ok. 

5. Grateful for a very affectionate kitty who seeks me to cuddle. She gave me quite a scare after throwing up everywhere this morning but apparently that's fine with cats (she's not mine). 

6. Grateful for an evening window! 

7. And most importantly, grateful for wonderful people at SA who lift up my spirits. 

Hi Onmyway, 

 

I’m sorry you’re not doing too well, I hope that the crushing fatigue lifts soon. I’ve been in bed most of the day myself, I’ve had chronic fatigue syndrome for nearly thirty years and I’m kind of best friends with my bed. 
 

I love your gratitude list. Your eggplant dish sounds yummy, I’m sure that your friends would have enjoyed it. Better than okay sounds terrific! It’s good to give oneself credit where credit is due. I hope you had a wonderful time with your friends. 
 

Yes, cats do throw up, it’s quite common. My kitty Kat throws up too, I think she throws up when she eats too fast. That’s what happens when you’re greedy😂

 

I’m glad you had an evening window, I hope that you get lots more of those. And yes, the support on this site is amazing. 
 

Hope you feel better soon and you can get up and dance to some Imagine Dragons 😁. You know which song I’m really loving at the moment, One Republic’s “I ain’t worried” It makes you want to get up and dance💃💃💃💃 Actually, the other night I had a little energy and I was dancing around the bedroom for a couple of songs😁. When the urge to dance happens, one must move😂

Take care🧡

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

Thinking of you, sending hugs <3

[Ariel]

@Onmyway

This evening I am giving thanks for your FEROCITY. 

I don't know what energy is spiraling through you these days, dear friend, but I am here for it. 

I so appreciate your righteous anger and how you harness it into a force for good. 

It's always galvanizing to come across a trademark Onmyway argument, presented in clear, coherent prose and supported by thoughtfully selected, appropriate evidence. I love how assertive and outspoken you are about suffering no fools!

Thank you for your intelligence and channeling it for change. Thank you for leading by example and inspiring us to action. 

You rock my world <3

A. 

[Onmyway]

4 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Onmyway

This evening I am giving thanks for your FEROCITY. 

I don't know what energy is spiraling through you these days, dear friend, but I am here for it. 

I so appreciate your righteous anger and how you harness it into a force for good. 

It's always galvanizing to come across a trademark Onmyway argument, presented in clear, coherent prose and supported by thoughtfully selected, appropriate evidence. I love how assertive and outspoken you are about suffering no fools!

Thank you for your intelligence and channeling it for change. Thank you for leading by example and inspiring us to action. 

You rock my world <3

A. 

Thank you @Ariel, this means so much. 

I am in a wave currently and have lots of anger - most of it for other issues than ADs. I find the anger the most uncomfortable an unusual symptom of WD. I can feel it when there is a wave - it is like a rebel looking for a cause. But it needs to be well channeled

[arbor]

Dear wonderful @Onmyway  I hope w/d-anger is giving you a break.  

On 7/28/2022 at 6:02 PM, Onmyway said:

I find the anger the most uncomfortable an unusual symptom of WD.

For me, as well.  It can find targets 360.

I send you a giant hug--

Arbor💜

[Onmyway]

Just a bit of an update here - I have been less active over the last month because I have been struggling. In the beginning I was hit with significant fatigue to the point that I was barely able to get out of bed for a week or so. It was quite hard because despite the fatigue I was not calm, so sleep, for example, was not an option most of the time.

 

I have been struggling with health issues - specifically fatigue and shortness of breath. I had an echo which was ok and a stress test which showed that my oxygenation goes down under exertion. But there were no cardiac changes. 

 

But in the meantime I have been having just the most difficult time with anger and disappointment. Given what I have been through I know better than to hold onto the belief that people are in general good but I somehow feel that I need that belief badly. Every time I am faced with unfairness or evil it throws me off. 

 

And the other early WD symptom that is returning is the feeling of yuckiness - I don't know a better way to describe it - it's anhedonia, a bit of derealization and nausea. I am so hoping to get through this. The physical symptoms are hard but I would take most of them over this anger and pre-occupation. 

 

Do people have tips on how to deal with anger? I have been reading about how it's really sadness that is hidden under anger and I suppose that is true but even in therapy I am having trouble dealing with it. 

 

OMW

 

 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Onmyway]

58 minutes ago, arbor said:

Dear wonderful @Onmyway  I hope w/d-anger is giving you a break.  

For me, as well.  It can find targets 360.

I send you a giant hug--

Arbor💜

Thanks so much @Ariel, 

this batch is a bit resistant I was just buying things at the market today and that phrase just reminded me of touching the apples and nectarines and thinking - this batch will go bad in a day or two. I guess anger is a bit like rotten fruit. It can stink up the place. I am lucky that I can stay away from people right now. I call myself 'a little hedgehog' when the irritability hits. How are you managing? 

 

OMW

[arbor]

You do so much for us on this site.  You bring such wisdom and compassion.  I am thinking of you today and hoping that you feel my gratitude.

Best wishes in all things--

Arbor

[Onmyway]

I missed this in the frenzy of the day earlier. Thank you for always finding such kind words @arbor - for moving me and making me tear up. It has been a difficult day but I am so glad that I am here in your company and in the company of fellow kind souls. Thank you for being and for being an important part of my life even if only virtually. Your words have saved me so many times! 

 

Hugs, 

OMW

[Onmyway]

A quick update here. I have made it down to 0.54. It is glacial speed but I managed to lower for the last 18 days by 0.013 every day and now it is time for a hold. My body is letting me know that today. 

 

Today's wave really started creeping up yesterday evening. I went for a walk for 30 min and my feet were killing me even though I had not walked at all the day before - the bottom of my feet hurt and are tingly. And all of a sudden while sitting on a bench I got hit with intense fatigue. Made it home with multiple rests. Didn't sleep well and today have intense brain fog - dizziness, cotton head, fatigue - even watching TV is actually tiring. My calf muscles feel tight as well and even sitting causes tingling in my legs. I was trying to finish an embroidery - a gift that I have been making for a dear friend that I am planning on seeing tomorrow and at one point couldn't figure out a very simple stitch. Couldn't work because I was worried that I would make some serious mistake. 

 

This withdrawal is really crazy-making! Last week I was in a window with a slight high. Things in my life weren't going well and I just didn't care. Was doing things a bit out of character (that character being worried/cautious). Nothing excessive or dangerous - just more adventurous. It was fun though I fully realized at the time that the appropriate mood for what was happening would be more somber. And then today - bam! 

 

I am hoping I can get more sleep today and hope this passes quickly as I have a deadline coming up at work and am sick and tired of making excuses. 

 

Edited August 25, 2022 by Onmyway
Corrected taper amount

[arbor]

Dear @Onmyway--Yes, yes, these symptoms are so typical and w/d is so unbelievably wretched.  I hope that you're allowed to feel as little pressure as possible from the world around you as you endure (or kinder word, float) your way through this wave while your system is adjusting.  The embroidery sounds beautiful--

I send you a big hug and well wishes, dear OMW,

Arbor💜

[Ariel]

Hello dear @Onmyway

Congratulations on making it down to 0.54 in your taper -- that is a real achievement! 

I'm sorry about this sneaky wave, sometimes they do creep up before crashing over. 

Here's hoping the symptoms abate sooner rather than later. 

Know that you are doing an excellent job with it all, and yes, this WD is hard work. 

Give yourself so much credit, friend. Wishing you kindness and tender loving care.   

Sending big hugs, go gently <3

A.

[Onmyway]

Thank you @arborand @Ariel. It's so nice to hear your encouraging and warm words. Your kindness means so much when you yourselves are in the same predicament and are sharing part of your hard won strength with me.

 

I've been having a lot of physical symptoms lately with very tight muscles which resulted in an Achilles injury which then limits my movement etc. There is also do much that needs to be done. I just finished some work for my job - had to stay up until 6 am last night. Now the other people are not doing their part and I have to do that as well (this project is more important for me than for them, so I end up picking up what hasn't been done.) It's also the end of the summer and I'm feeling a mix of sadness and nostalgia, almost sweet.  I really need a break but also have travel coming up. Wish I could shake this feeling of exhaustion.

 

Soldiering on for now until my body refuses.

OMW

[Knosretep]

Hi @Onmyway

 

I'm happy to read you've managed to taper a bit more, despite all the craziness going on in your life.  I hope you can find another window soon and some reprieve from the fatigue and other symptoms plaguing you, and get back to tapering and fun adventures again. 🙂

[Onmyway]

Haven't been to my own thread in a while. Thanks @Knosretepfor the encouragement

The craziness or as I choose to call it, the adventure (makes it feel better) continues in my life. I got back from my extended (5+ month) working trip but it hasn't been easy adjusting back.

 

On a better note, the fatigue has gotten a bit better but not gone completely and I had the Covid booster without severe side effects. Well, actually, with severe side effects (shivering, chills) but only for 24 hrs, not the crushing 3 week fatigue of last time. 

 

Also slowly inching lower on the meds - at 0.525 today. Well behind on the plan that I had made but it is what it is. 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway