Onmyway: I want this to stop

[arbor]

Dear @Onmyway--Thank you for this update.  I always look forward to hearing how you're doing.  The mold issues must be frustrating.  I hope you find a good place to land.  Good news about your GP.  The effects however of w/d on our careers/finances/etc.  is a big issue.

On 10/18/2022 at 6:33 AM, Onmyway said:

the fatigue has gotten a bit better

Oh, yippee--I'm delighted.  

Also congratulations on your recent taper.  Big hugs to you OMW🎈🎈🎈

Arbor 💜

 

 

 

 

[Onmyway]

I've been in a low grade wave for a few weeks now, just low mood and general stuck-ness but today was hit with a tsunami. Had an unpleasant conversation with a relative yesterday who was frustrated that I was still in withdrawal (it's interesting because I don't even talk to this person more than 2-3 times a year, haven't seen them in years, so why do they care?) But care they do. Anyway, afterwards I was hit with a wave of physical exhaustion and brain fog that I haven't had in months. It didn't get better today, it's like I have been hit by a truck!!! The cortisol morning was worse as well. 

 

I'm hoping it won't last as long as the last time I was this exhausted which was for months. I'm going to try to rest tomorrow, though I have a friend visiting as well. 

 

It's amazing what emotional stress can do to the physical body and how sensitive our bodies are too whatever chemicals are released in stress. 

 

OMW

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[arbor]

Dear @Onmyway--I'm so sorry you had this conversation with someone so unsupportive.  

11 hours ago, Onmyway said:

it seems for sport (I suspect it's so they can seem superior and distract from their own life).

Why can't they just listen and lend their good will?  I certainly have found that there are many people for whom this isn't possible.  For me, the hardest have been the ones in my own family.  

 

11 hours ago, Onmyway said:

amazing that I allowed this!

I find such conversations difficult to avoid.  I can't consistently anticipate.  I support you in not blaming yourself!

You have the gifts of compassion and generosity.  From what I've observed, they bring a depth of reward that surpasses superiority and victim-blaming.

 

Hugs and best wishes 24/7 to you.  I hope this wave passes quickly.

Arbor

[Erell]

Dear @Onmyway

 

I'm really sorry that you had to endure this kind of behaviour and now have to deal with the emotionnal stress. ❤️
 

There is a kind of double punishment during withdrawal: that of withdrawal and its symptoms, and that of having to justify our difficulties and limitations.

I wonder if all this will be a positive lesson that we can take away from this adventure and that will allow us to be more present for those we love: going through this long process teaches us that unsolicited advice is not always synonymous with help, that sometimes a person just needs to be listened to and heard, that before offering help or advice it would be good to ask ourselves if it is helpful for ourselves or for the person affected.

 

Until all this is behind us, I send you my support and assurance that we believe you and respect your body's healing process ☀️

 

[Heath]

@Onmyway 

I hate this happened. We support you !
 

Total agree with you arbor and Erell. I was talking to another member the other day. It’s one thing to have to deal with wd but then sometimes we have to defend ourselves not only to friends and family that aren’t experienced in wd but even to drs who are supposed to be knowledgeable and supportive. 

 

And yes this experience (I don’t like it) is helping me to be more humble and caring to others even when I don’t understand. Before ssris I was younger and less understanding. 
 

Thanks for sharing onmyway.

Hang in there! 

 

A good friend is a good listener. 

[Onmyway]

11 hours ago, arbor said:

Dear @Onmyway--I'm so sorry you had this conversation with someone so unsupportive.  

Why can't they just listen and lend their good will?  I certainly have found that there are many people for whom this isn't possible.  For me, the hardest have been the ones in my own family.  

 

I find such conversations difficult to avoid.  I can't consistently anticipate.  I support you in not blaming yourself!

You have the gifts of compassion and generosity.  From what I've observed, they bring a depth of reward that surpasses superiority and victim-blaming.

 

Hugs and best wishes 24/7 to you.  I hope this wave passes quickly.

Arbor

Thank you so much @arbor, 

and thank you for making me realize the subtle blame towards myself (I don't always catch my internal critic). Families are strange, aren't they! 

 

I send you big hugs! Thank you for being there for me! I hope that you are doing better than your last update and that you are finding peace!

 

Hugs,
OMW

 

 

[Onmyway]

On 11/15/2022 at 3:46 PM, Erell said:

I wonder if all this will be a positive lesson that we can take away from this adventure and that will allow us to be more present for those we love: going through this long process teaches us that unsolicited advice is not always synonymous with help, that sometimes a person just needs to be listened to and heard, that before offering help or advice it would be good to ask ourselves if it is helpful for ourselves or for the person affected.

 

I have been thinking about this for a while now @Erell, thank you for highlighting it for me. I have always been a 'problem solver' and 'helper' which during withdrawal I realize is often annoying when applied to me. Over the last few years I have come to understand the simple comfort from your feelings being validated or from being offered support instead of being given unsolicited advice. It has changed the way I behave as well. It has also allowed me to accept help easier as well. 

 

Thank you for offering validation and support to so many here @Erell, I appreciate your compassion to me. Makes me feel all warm inside. 

 

OMW

[Onmyway]

On 11/15/2022 at 6:14 PM, Heath said:

@Onmyway 

I hate this happened. We support you !
 

Total agree with you arbor and Erell. I was talking to another member the other day. It’s one thing to have to deal with wd but then sometimes we have to defend ourselves not only to friends and family that aren’t experienced in wd but even to drs who are supposed to be knowledgeable and supportive. 

 

And yes this experience (I don’t like it) is helping me to be more humble and caring to others even when I don’t understand. Before ssris I was younger and less understanding. 
 

Thanks for sharing onmyway.

Hang in there! 

 

A good friend is a good listener. 

Thank you for your kind words @Heath, it's interesting to observe these changes in us, isn't it? As horrible as withdrawal is, I think it has helped me grow in many ways. I can't appreciate it every day but when I look back I can see the changes in me. This is not how imagined my life but I am trying to accept it as one big adventure. 

OMW

 

 

[Onmyway]

A quick update after a couple of weeks. The exhaustion abated after a couple of days replaced by nausea - similar to the one I had in the very beginning of withdrawal. I have achieved, in general, a certain stability of symptoms so when these things creep up I panic for a bit. I have been very very cautious with my tapering because I may have a certain level of PTSD from the initial brutal withdrawal that I experienced so I am attempting to do this with the least amount of symptoms possible. And it seems like I am very very sensitive to lowering my dose. I am at 0.5mg of citalopram and can manage less than 5% a month. And it catches me by surprise this ramp up of symptoms. But it is unmistakable that it is due to tapering - most recently it's been an increase in the morning terrors and now morning depression - this feeling that something horrible is going to happen. 

 

There are a few unpleasant events in life that I am waiting to happen in the next couple of weeks (it's a matter of time) so this may be a reason for the ramp up of symptoms as well. Life has been difficult the last few months but the ramp up of symptoms reminds me of how much worse it used to be. So I am grateful for the healing that has occurred and bracing for what is coming ahead. 

OMW

[manymoretodays]

Hi OMW,

Well good.  And then, ah oh.......

12 hours ago, Onmyway said:

There are a few unpleasant events in life that I am waiting to happen in the next couple of weeks (it's a matter of time) so this may be a reason for the ramp up of symptoms as well. Life has been difficult the last few months but the ramp up of symptoms reminds me of how much worse it used to be. So I am grateful for the healing that has occurred and bracing for what is coming ahead. 

 

It's your reaction to the perceived unpleasant events though, right?  I mean if you know what is coming, and then perhaps you re-frame it somehow.......would that help?  Like, for example, if I am completely sure that in the next couple of weeks that this, that, and another thing will be happening.  And while I might notice now..... that the perception of when the events happen, is that it might well be unpleasant.....and it might well be......for me, you, and others, right? 

So then......you don't have to feel the unpleasant-ness again after your now acknowledgement of it. 

 

Does that even make sense, what I typed?  I listen to a meditation app called "Waking Up" and it has been really helpful.  The meditations, guided, and then the prose that is also on the app.

It's changed my patterns though, or I catch them quicker and in time to "non-react or un-react".  So what used to throw me......doesn't.  Not nearly like it used to.

 

Anyway.  Good update, and thank you.  I'm not plugging, but am plugging the app, in a way.  And it can be had for free or scholarship, and I even think one can get a 30 days free trial period.

Or, maybe what I typed makes sense.

 

I am glad you are trucking along.  Good journey.  And lordy, 0.59 mg of citalopram is great......down from 20 mg.  Huge.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited November 26, 2022 by manymoretodays
? clarity

[manymoretodays]

Oh Omw.  I tried a bit of editing above......and still....hard to express in words.....how my meditation(and app that helps with it) is working for me.

I keep trying.  To share.  What helps me.  In hopes it might help another.

I did try to shift to "I statements" more, as I realized that I may have come off sounding like I knew what was best for your scenario's.  And I don't.  You are your own expert on you.  For sure.

 

Okay.  Hope so.  Oh, it's good to be back home.  For me.  I can begin to plan my next travel now.  Keeps me sane.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[arbor]

Dear @Onmyway

On 11/25/2022 at 8:00 PM, Onmyway said:

bracing for what is coming ahead.

I'm so glad to get your update, and am hoping that your latest symptoms are settling.  Truly, they are beyond belief.  As the Holiday Season revs up I hope that all goes well for you, especially in light of events in store for you.

So appreciative of being on the journey together and with all of us,

Arbor

[Carmie]

Hi Onmyway, 

 

Just popping around to see how you’re doing💛

[Onmyway]

I am so bad at responding to posts on my thread here. Apologies @arbor @Carmieand @manymoretodays. I do read your posts and then interact with you elsewhere on the site and never come back up here and forget to respond. I had to look up my own thread by my username as it's been over two months now. 

 

I have had a nice window (with a few bumps here and there but generally ok) for the last 8 weeks and have managed to taper to 0.43mg (6.5% a month). Spent the holidays with great people and enjoyed myself. The taper amount is not as much as I'd like but it is progress so I am going to be grateful for it. I have been doing the 0.00167mg every day for a few days, then take a break.

 

I have been holding for almost a week now but in the last few days my symptoms have gone up significantly. On Saturday night (I take my dose at 11 pm) I forgot my dose completely and only remembered the next day - 14 hrs later. I quickly took the daily dose and took my regular dose at 11 pm. I didn't think it would have much of an effect but I have been ruminating and feeling anxious quite a lot the last two days. I have been waking up with terrors, nausea is back a bit.

 

There are other things going on in my life - a relationship that I am not sure I want to be in - I vacillate between yes and no and the rumination over that has been much more intense the last few days. How does one know if a relationship is right when everything else seems wrong in WD? How does anyone keep a relationship during withdrawal? Nothing is specifically wrong in this relationship, just my interest in it is so much lower. But on some level this is one of the most supportive relationships I have been in. It has its problems like any relationship but I get so anxious about it at times. Rumination is not my friend. 

 

OMW

 

 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Carmie]

4 hours ago, Onmyway said:

I am so bad at responding to posts on my thread here. Apologies @arbor @Carmieand @manymoretodays. I do read your posts and then interact with you elsewhere on the site and never come back up here and forget to respond. I had to look up my own thread by my username as it's been over two months now. 

 

I have had a nice window (with a few bumps here and there but generally ok) for the last 8 weeks and have managed to taper to 0.43mg (6.5% a month). Spent the holidays with great people and enjoyed myself. The taper amount is not as much as I'd like but it is progress so I am going to be grateful for it. I have been doing the 0.00167mg every day for a few days, then take a break.

 

I have been holding for almost a week now but in the last few days my symptoms have gone up significantly. On Saturday night (I take my dose at 11 pm) I forgot my dose completely and only remembered the next day - 14 hrs later. I quickly took the daily dose and took my regular dose at 11 pm. I didn't think it would have much of an effect but I have been ruminating and feeling anxious quite a lot the last two days. I have been waking up with terrors, nausea is back a bit.

 

There are other things going on in my life - a relationship that I am not sure I want to be in - I vacillate between yes and no and the rumination over that has been much more intense the last few days. How does one know if a relationship is right when everything else seems wrong in WD? How does anyone keep a relationship/date during withdrawal? Nothing is specifically wrong in this relationship, just my interest in it is so much lower. But on some level this is one of the most supportive relationships I have been in. It has its problems like any relationship but I get so anxious about it at times. Rumination is not my friend. 

 

OMW

 

 

Hey there Onmyway, nice to read about how you’ve been doing. No need to respond to posts on your thread if that’s not your thing. Happy to catch up on other threads. 
 

You’re doing amazing in your tapering. I’ve only been tapering about 1.5% every 7 weeks or so lately. Can’t go any quicker as I can’t cope with severe withdrawals on top of my other health issues. It’s going to take me a million years to get off these meds. Withdrawals get so severe and I really don’t want to get Akathisia again. 
 

It’s amazing how missing a dose, even such a small one as you did can affect us so badly. These meds really are horrific, they have our brains in a prison. Maybe you can set a timer for when to take your meds. The thing is though you’ll have to take them as soon as the timer goes off. I’ve ignored the timer a few times and then had to remember whether I’d taken the meds or not😂

 

I think we all ruminate about different things happening in our lives, that’s the fun of withdrawals. I think journaling is really helpful, I keep starting it and stopping it though. 
 

Wishing you all the best in your continued tapering💛

[arbor]

Wonderful to read your update @Onmyway.  I'm so glad to know that things are going well in spite of w/d.  The perseverating mind that comes with this is truly a challenge.  Your ability to stand back from it and observe it, not identifying with it, is such a strength, but I know how exhausting the need and the effort can be.  In the long run I'm sure it's an invaluable skill to have honed, but in the short run, I still believe (for both our benefits) that the neuro emotions will get easier.  

Thank you, as always, for all that you do,

Arbor

[Onmyway]

Thanks @arbor and @Carmie, you always know just what to say to make me feel a bit of respite. 

Today was really difficult again with neuro-emotions. I went into multiple spirals with reassurance seeking (from the Internet, luckily, rather than people). I know my patterns but it is disappointing to be back to this. I had thought that now that I had found my rhythm with tapering I would be more or less asymptomatic. Holding for a week now after my mishap last Saturday missing a dose for 14 hrs and then doubling up. 

 

I am wondering if I should start splitting my dose as I feel so much better after taking my dose. It also coincides with lower cortisol probably as I take it in the evening but it's like night and day. I am at such a low dose rate of absorption may be impacted at this dose. 

 

OMW

[Carmie]

6 hours ago, Onmyway said:

Thanks @arbor and @Carmie, you always know just what to say to make me feel a bit of respite. 

Today was really difficult again with neuro-emotions. I went into multiple spirals with reassurance seeking (from the Internet, luckily, rather than people). I know my patterns but it is disappointing to be back to this. I had thought that now that I had found my rhythm with tapering I would be more or less asymptomatic. Holding for a week now after my mishap last Saturday missing a dose for 14 hrs and then doubling up. 

 

I am wondering if I should start splitting my dose as I feel so much better after taking my dose. It also coincides with lower cortisol probably as I take it in the evening but it's like night and day. I am at such a low dose rate of absorption may be impacted at this dose. 

 

OMW

Yes, those neuro emotions are the pits Onmyway, I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. 
 

It might take a little while longer to get over that missed dose, just give it a bit more time and then go from there. My brain is extremely sensitive too and any small thing can affect it for ages. I’ve accidentally done the same thing as you as well. I’m sorry that’s happened to you lately. 
 

I hope your brain settles again soon💛

[hayduke]

On 2/2/2023 at 1:46 PM, Onmyway said:

There are other things going on in my life - a relationship that I am not sure I want to be in - I vacillate between yes and no and the rumination over that has been much more intense the last few days. How does one know if a relationship is right when everything else seems wrong in WD? How does anyone keep a relationship/date during withdrawal? Nothing is specifically wrong in this relationship, just my interest in it is so much lower. But on some level this is one of the most supportive relationships I have been in. It has its problems like any relationship but I get so anxious about it at times. Rumination is not my friend. 

That's a really tough one (real relationships, heh).  If it is too much pain and it isn't looking to improve, enough said.  Often enough there are real signs or reasons to leave.

If you've got nothing better going on though, you're communicating and it's tolerable/comfortable, I might lean towards riding it out until it ain't.  Grumpiness during taper is gonna be at least normal 🙂  Take some space and don't rush yourself eh

Cheers

[Onmyway]

@hayduke, I really appreciate your no nonsense and practical attitude here

 

I have downloaded quite an interesting app Waking Up by Sam Harris - same Sam Harris who is anti-religion, islamophobe etc. While I am not religious, I dislike his attacks on religion and his zealousness about his views. However, the app is quite good and his meditations are good and I appreciate his gentle intro to meditation for those who, like me, may be scared of it. I have not been great about doing it regularly though even though I have liked it when I have done it.

 

Which reminds me, there is another app that I am quite curious about too - it is a brain training one that promotes brain plasticity - recommended in the book 'The Brain that Changes Itself" - BrainHQ it's called. The games are fun (free version has one game a day) but I haven't been good about following those either with any regularity. I am in no way promoting them for withdrawal and no idea if they would actually help for that but they seem to be unusual and challenging enough to engage me. There are some exercises on memory, vision, focus and so on. I am so bad at habits, since the whole literature on habits as a panacea for things came out I have been resisting it despite knowing that it is good for me. The rebel inside! Or maybe the distrust of many promises made to fix all kinds of issues over time that have not panned out. Or the dislike for the constant pressure for self improvement. 

 

Hoping for some steadiness in feelings/moods/energy and motivation. Please universe!

OMW

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Carmie]

Hey there @Onmyway

 

Just thought I’d pop around to say hi and thank you for all the messages you’ve been kind enough to leave on my thread. This life is tough, isn’t it? One foot in front of the other, one hour at a time does it. We cry, we pick ourselves up, and then just keep plodding on somehow.
 

 I hope you’re doing okay, I’m sorry you were feeling suicidal not too long ago. I hope your heart palpitations have settled a bit too. 
 

I want to get that book you mentioned about the brain. I’ve got so many books here I want to read, but my brain fog hinders me from reading a ton. When I find a good book though to keep for reference I just buy it and put it aside for when I finally get around to it. I’ve almost finished reading my latest novel, it took me forever😁. I read bits and pieces here and there. 

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗💛

[Onmyway]

It's been a while since I've updated here - how quickly time flies. 

I have been going through a lot of things recently.

 

So it makes sense then that my withdrawal symptoms have quite increased recently - I have the nightly and morning terrors but the last week have been having significant nausea during the day all the way into the evening when it subsides a bit and that results in an unpleasant feeling all day long. I haven't lowered my dose for over 3 months now as I haven't been feeling well and will hold longer as I worry that my heart problems may be due to autonomic dysregulation but it sucks that I am feeling so miserable and nauseous all day long. Can this be over soon please? I've been at it for 4 years already and have at least two more to go. The lowest doses are surely kicking my butt.

 

Meh, 

OMW

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway

[Carmie]

Dear @Onmyway I’m so sorry to hear of all your struggles. You’re such an asset to this site with your immense wealth of knowledge.

 

Housing issues and job stability are such major problems everywhere now. I hope you find a nice place to call your home if that’s what you end up desiring, somewhere that makes you smile when you know that you are going there after a hard day. You said you don’t know if you really want to settle, maybe continue your nomadic travels then? Decisions! Decisions! 
 

You sound so lost as to what you want to do in life. We definitely can’t run away from ourselves though, wherever we go, there we are😁. Sometimes facing our issues is hard. It’s easy to just pretend all is well and stuff down our emotions, but that causes more problems and illnesses. I’ve dealt with a lot in my life too and I think that’s why I’m so extremely sick now. I’m learning to actually feel my emotions more. Have you read the book: “ 90 seconds to a life you love”? The author is Joan Rosenberg. It’s all about not repressing your emotions.

 

I’m not one to express anger to anyone at all, it’s not really part of me. I have realised lately though that I have a lot of anger inside of me due to things that have happened in my life. Processing anger is all about doing it in a healthy way, I still don’t get angry at anyone, but I will now say something if anyone tries to manipulate me. I have now learnt about boundaries and narcissism etc and I no longer allow toxic people in my life. All the friends I have are beautiful kind, empathetic souls. I have my toxic people radar up all the time now😁. I’m still nice to everyone, but I just don’t let toxic people into my inner circle, I’ve gotten good at spotting red flags. 
 

As regards novelty, I love novelty too. I’m not a fan of monotony. I’m always trying new things. Have you done the Myers-Briggs personality test? I’m actually an enfp and we love our novelty and spontaneity. I hate being micro-managed. 
 

It’s so sad to hear that your withdrawals have been so bad. All the stress you’re going through certainly ramps up withdrawals, the terrors and nausea sound awful. I hope your waves settle soon. 
 

Sending hugs your way🤗💛

[Onmyway]

@Carmie, you are so sweet and one of my favorite people on the site. Thank you for being so kind and bringing cheer to others in your most difficult times. 

 

I  have been learning and practicing boundaries as well. I learned a lot from Lisa Rankin's classification. https://lissarankin.com/getting-to-know-your-boundary-wounded-parts/. I tried to read the book from which these come but it was too heavily Christian oriented and I didn't manage to finish it - good points but I didn't relate to the religious parts. 

 

I also downloaded the book you recommended and am 25% in (had a lot of time on the train ) I have even practiced the 90 seconds a couple of  times - let's see if I can stick to practicing it going forward. Sticking with things is not my forte

 

I really liked your description of what it should feel like to come back to your place and it inspired me. I am seeing an apartment tomorrow (if I can get some sleep tonight and am not exhausted). Thank you for clarifying what I was looking for but was not able to feel/understand in myself. I really appreciate you @Carmie.

 

Today felt a bit better. I had my second Holter monitor because the first one (from 3.5 weeks ago) ended up in a disaster. My results are stuck in a weird bureaucratic nightmare where the GP hasn't received them, I am told that they were sent by snail mail and are lost some place, they have not been uploaded to my EMR (which in this hospital is fairly easy) and I have a suspicion that they will never be - I suspect that the results were lost some place before they were read and that people are covering each other. Luckily I had another Holter appointment that was duplicated (my GP arranged it by mistake) and which I intended to cancel but given that I may never get the results from the first one I just went and got the monitor anyway - they promised the results within a business day so here is hoping. They were more professional and overall I like that hospital better anyway. A part of me doesn't actually want to know the results - I am scared of what they will mean. My mom died of heart disease younger than my current age so this bring difficult feelings. 

 

I am going to write a small gratitude list now: 

1. I am grateful for wise advice that helps me understand my own feelings. 

2. I am grateful for being able to have good talks with friends to help me process my feelings

3. I am grateful for learning a new technique to manage emotions from the book 

4. I am grateful to have kindred souls around me, connected from far away and close by 

5. I am grateful for nights when my symptoms ease a bit. 

6. I am grateful for upcoming travel to see a friend I haven't seen in almost 5 years and for being as excited to see me. 

7. I am grateful for spring - it is nice being outside these days 

8. I am grateful for some deep sleep I got - even though the last few days it's been only about 3 hrs a night, I am ok with it. 

 

OMW

 

 

 

[Emonda]

G’Day Onmyway,

I just wanted to drop by and say I admire your contribution to the members of this site. 

 

Sometimes I forget that moderators are on the same journey, just a little further down the track. 

 

Despite your own WD and what life throws at you, you’re still jumping on others' introductions sharing wisdom and encouragement. 

 

So, thank you.

[Carmie]

Hey there @Onmyway Thank you so much for your very kind words. 
 

I’m glad you checked out the 90 seconds book, I’ve read the whole book and try and feel my feelings more. Sometimes the emotion you think you’re feeling isn’t actually the emotion you’re feeling. There’s something deeper. I like how she’s put it down to these emotions:

Sadness,

helplessness, 

anger, 

embarrassment, 

disappointment, 

frustration, 

vulnerability. 
 

Because of reading this book I’m more aware of certain repressed feelings. When they come up it’s good to name them and feel them, instead of trying to suppress them. All the suppressing of emotions doesn’t make them go away, it just puts a heavier burden on us. Also, when we get triggered by something or someone we have to ask ourselves what we’re actually feeling. It has nothing to do with anything or anyone else, but there’s something inside of us that we have to work on. We are all works in progress, we will all be working on ourselves for the rest of our lives😁 It’s a journey, not a destination. 
 

I knew sticking to things wasn’t your forte when you once said you weren’t a bit fan of incorporating habits😜 I’m finding following the Atomic Habits principles beneficial. You start with small things and then add to them. Doing thirty day challenges has been good for me too, so far I’ve kept these challenges going way after the thirty days, they’re becoming habits. I started a new 30 day challenge this week, going to bed before 10pm. I’m actually pretty much a free spirited person, but I’m managing to start and continue habits. The thing is not to overwhelm yourself and try and make these massive changes, Start with small things. 
 

I’m so glad too that you’ve decided what to do with your life as regards finding somewhere to live. Make your place nice and cosy, you don’t need a lot of stuff, just things that you love and make you smile. I love the beach, so I’ve got seaside decorations and pictures in each room. 
 

I hope you get the results of the Holter monitor, and I hope they are okay. I’m so sorry to hear your mum died young, that’s very sad.

Love your gratitude list. How exciting that you’re going to catch up with a friend you haven’t seen in five years. How exciting indeed for both of you! Have fun🎉🎉

 

Sending hugs🤗💛

[arbor]

Dear @Onmyway--What a lot of issues you're having to cope with and while also dealing with w/d symptoms.  Someday you'll be free of the suffering of all this, but right now, especially with neuroemotions, the difficulty, I know, is profound.  I send you hugs and much gratitude for all that you do here and elsewhere.  Your strength is remarkable, as is your heart.  I know how miserable this can be and I can't wait until you (and all of us) are past it.

Warm wishes dear OMW,

Arbor

[Oaktree1]

Hi Onmyway,

 

I had been reading your thread and just want to chime in with other posters.  You must be a really badass the way you are living what seems to be a really full life while managing drug withdrawal.  You seem to be holding down what I imagine is a fairly responsible job while having what seems like a strong social life and managing the stresses that come from moving to different locations.  You must be a really strong person.  Even despite the awful symptoms you are still fully in your life.   

On 5/18/2023 at 1:45 AM, Onmyway said:

I have the nightly and morning terrors but the last week have been having significant nausea during the day all the way into the evening when it subsides a bit and that results in an unpleasant feeling all day long. I haven't lowered my dose for over 3 months now as I haven't been feeling well and will hold longer as I worry that my heart problems may be due to autonomic dysregulation but it sucks that I am feeling so miserable and nauseous all day long. Can this be over soon please? I've been at it for 4 years already and have at least two more to go. The lowest doses are surely kicking my butt.

 

Even with all this you are still living a full life, going to work, meeting friends, dealing with a health issue, dealing with housing - I really admire that.  The low doses from what I have read and from what I experienced with Cymbalta and am now experiencing with Mirtazapine can be very tough - I am having trouble with my own dose too and will have to hold now for a few months maybe more (very frustrating and now what I had planned ) -  I am not nearly as low as you are - I would love to be as low on your dose as you are- that is a huge achievement.  I hope the nausea and the terrors get a bit better - they're not great.  

 

Oaktree1

[Carmie]

Dear @Onmyway Just popping in to say that I hope you find something in your day that brings you joy. I haven’t had the strength to get out of bed as yet😄. It’s 8am, but I’ve been awake for hours. I turned the heater on and my puddy tat jumped right in front of it😸. It’s getting a little nippy here in the mornings. 
 

Sending hugs🤗

[Onmyway]

@Carmie @Oaktree1@arbor and @Emonda

thank you so much for your words of support when I was in a dark place and for checking on me again, @Carmie. My last couple of weeks have been quite eventful. A few highs: 

1) A received my Holter results and I have a LOT of ectopic beats - more than 240 in 18 hrs (or the term they use is supraventricular exystole). Surprise surprise it is a side effect of citalopram so no surprise that it is happening in withdrawal. I also discovered that I was low in magnesium despite supplementing but may need to supplement more regularly than I do now. That can be another reason for these ectopic beats.  BUT it is better news than atrial fibrillation which I was worried about. This one can lead to AFib in the future in some people but I will worry about that if and when that happens. For now I am grateful that it is just this. 

 

2) I saw my friend and we had a great time together. I saw another friend who inspired me for a new project in education for underprivileged kids - he works for a big organization but they are having trouble reaching specific communities and I can help him do that. I would not be involved in the project day to day as it is not my area but can help connect him to the right people. It is nice to feel inspired and useful. 

 

3) I had a nasty cold which left me barely able to do anything for days - hence my lack of response. I was visiting an old friend who gave me the cold so was stuck with them so as not to give it to anyone else. A covid test came out negative yaaay.

 

I am behind on work because of all this family drama/sickness/travel/chasing doctors and feel tired. So off to bed now. Tomorrow is an early day again with more travel and I am NOT an early person. 

 

Thanks again dear community for being my net when I fall and cheerleaders when I need to gather courage. 

 

OMW

 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2023 by Onmyway

[Carmie]

Dear @Onmyway, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you💛

[Onmyway]

Like everyone else here I often wonder if some of my anxieties and low mood are just me and not withdrawal any more (I have been holding for over 4 months). Yesterday I had my answer - the day before I had walked a lot (20,000 steps) and then slept a lot as well. And yesterday was awful. I could not focus, I had such high levels of activation and anxiety I couldn't do anything. Today I woke up and things were better - not perfect but better. No reason. These waves and windows are just crazy making!

[Carmie]

Hi @Onmyway, thanks for dropping over to my neck of the woods. How are you doing, you little nomad, you? Been on any adventures? 🧡

[Onmyway]

Hi @Carmie

I forgot to respond to this, so sorry.

After some intense traveling April-July I had a quiet time in August. Usually August and February are two months during which I always have a hard time - but this year's August was comparatively OK - the first part involved a bunch of withdrawal symptoms - nausea and agitation more prominent but the second part was a big  beautiful window. Not many adventures as I wasn't super mobile as my sprained ankle is still painful 9 weeks later but it feels much more stable so I am grateful for that. 

 

After the BBW (big beautiful window) last week was difficult - I was agitated (not anxious though) and couldn't sleep - this on edge feeling. Couldn't sleep at all until broke down and slept for 8 hrs. And after that have been in a daze - it almost feels like a different person - all familiar worries and issues like a flashback to a previous version of me after the break from the window. 

 

I am hoping that this too will change so bearing it day by day, hour by hour. 

 

Thanks for checking in @Carmie, you beautiful soul!

[Carmie]

Dear @Onmyway, I’m glad you had a nice time travelling. I was happy to read that you had a big and beautiful window. It just shows that our brains can heal, doesn’t it? It takes a really long time though, these meds certainly mess with our brains. When we hit waves again after being in a window it’s no fun. 
 

I’m so sorry to hear that you sprained your ankle, I’m guessing you might be on crutches with your ankle bandaged? I hope that you recover soon. 
 

Indeed, hour by hour does it when going through withdrawals, I hope you manage to get some more sleep,  sending hugs your way🤗

[Onmyway]

Thanks @Carmie, I need to follow up with my GP - my ankle has not healed properly - it's been 3 months and while I feel stable, I still have a lot of pain doing physiotherapy (which I avoid for that reason) and then point pain after walking. It can't be good. The annoying thing is I sprained my ankle while helping a friend take care of her kids (after her request) and she hasn't asked how I was since then. Lesson learned! She asked 2 days after I left and never responded to my response and then nothing. Explains why she doesn't have enough friends who live near her to help her and I had to travel 200 miles to go help with the kids.

 

Another update time: 

I have had an awful time for about 3 weeks with full blown rumination and OCD-like intense anxiety but it broke a few days ago so the last few days have been a bit better with an outlook to come back soon as things have not been going smoothly in terms of life stuff. Nothing horrible but just hiccups at every step.

 

 

 

OMW

 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Onmyway