Kiaza 10 years of Citalopram and now healed

[Kiaza]

Here’s a link to my story 

 

Hello! I have a success story. After 4-5 years of hell I am now normal and healed. My withdrawal ended up in psychosis and suicide attempts due to way too quick tapering of citalopram. Don’t ever do a cold turkey or taper too quickly.

 

I can’t really remember what has happened during these past years since they were full of terror, paranoia, anxiety, insomnia, vomiting, stomach problems etc. I just want to forget it all and hopefully live a good , healthy life for the rest of my life.

 

Maybe the worst symptom was insomnia since it makes all other symptoms feel much more worse. My insomnia lasted for three years. Sometimes I was so tired that i wanted to die because it felt like the only option that would give me rest. Now I sleep 6-8 hours every night and my sleep cycle is normal. I go to bed 10pm and wake up 7-8am. 

 

This summer has been a big turning point. Getting better started about a year ago and I’ve steadily become better. I’ve been studying again and I also had a summer job. I can cycle 20km trips so my physique is now much better than it was when all I could do was to lay in bed for two years.

 

My bodily functions are now normal. My stomach works fine and I guess getting my tummy to work normally is the reason why I feel so much better. All health comes from the gut. Periods are normal. My hormones were messed up for years but now endocrine system works. I had really bad period cramps and pains during withdrawal but now it’s all back to normal.

 

I had really bad repetitive thoughts and thinking and total lack of feeling safe. For 2-3 years I went on and on about how I should have just eaten healthy, exercised and quit my medication slower. I’ve always had issues with safety, but medication kept those feelings away. I did a lot of mental work to get rid of my obsessive thinking. I have always controlled my eating, it has given me a feeling that I’m in control of my self. During withdrawal I had no control over me, my emotions swept me out of balance and I couldn’t control my behaviour. I also lost the ability to control my eating since I got very bad cravings. I ate 3 bags of candy per week, pizza, hamburgers, what ever. Not very wise if you want your body to get better and heal but every cell inside of you is yelling for carbs and fat. So fat and carbs I ate.

 

During last 6 months I have started to eat normal. Maybe I would have been healed a long time ago if I had eaten properly but somehow I needed a slow transition back to normal. I also didn’t want to start obsessing about health, fitness and food so I gave myself time to get adjusted to maybe a more healthy way of thinking. I can eat  whatever I want (but in moderation), my life is not ruined forever if I don’t follow a strict set of rules about eating and exercising. I have been in hell, I don’t need those things to keep me safe or give me order in this world that makes no sense. Anything can happen in any second so why waste my life fearing it. I’ve always had problems with myself, medication faded those feelings but never healed them since I could not access the events and feelings in my mind which led to certain kind of behaviour. Now I’ve worked those things by myself. I was in therapy for awhile but I didn’t want to continue it because I knew I have the tools and answers in myself and I want to go through this on my own, no therapist can help me since nobody knows me better than myself. 

 

My body and mind went to ruins in withdrawal process. I may have trauma that will never heal, but now I am more merciful towards myself. I like who I am as a person. I don’t need to be fit to like myself. I still have 10kg extra weight that came from withdrawal, but I’ve always been too skinny so who cares. I don’t let little things get to me anymore, I don’t let pressure from outside get to me anymore. I have no need to ”be something” to get respect from others. I survived this hell so I have nothing to prove to anyone because I proved myself  everything I ever wanted. All  I ever maybe wanted was that I would accept myself and have the courage to be myself and now I’ve done it.

[withhopeinmyheart]

Congratulations! A wonderful success! You are so right. A lot of what we think is important just fades away while we are forced to survive this hell. 

 

Thank you for sharing your healing success. 

[Hibari]

Thank you for sharing your success story and so glad you are feeling well.  

 

I'm glad you are sleeping and that your stomach is fine. Those are two *** areas for me besides the fear of ever being med free and healed. 

 

You have survived and you're right, after that, nothing else has to be proven. 

 

Well done.  

[readyfortheworld]

Congrats on recovery! What hobbies/activities helped you during withdrawal? Were you able to work during withdrawal?

[Kiaza]

On 8/3/2019 at 2:50 AM, readyfortheworld said:

Congrats on recovery! What hobbies/activities helped you during withdrawal? Were you able to work during withdrawal?

 

I was a complete vegetable so I could only work like one month at a time and then rest for a few months. I’ve been out of work life for 4 years except I was working this summer and now I hope I will get a teaching job for this autumn. 

 

Walking is maybe the best way to exercise during withdrawal. It soothes the nervous system and also heals the brain. I walked a lot. I tried yoga and pilates but I just immediately got this mentality that I need to do this really well and throw myself into it so I quit. I’ve had problems with over doing stuff since I am a perfectionist and I wanted to get rid of that,  so everytime when I get obsessive about being really good and perfect at something, I stop. It’s not healthy to push yourself to the edge over an obsession.

[Kiaza]

I had PSSD for maybe 4-5 years? I don’t anymore. Last night I had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life and sensation was back to normal. I guess time and practice does wonders.

[shawny]

@Kiaza u had any visual disturbances ? 

 

U had floaters or tinnitus ? 

Did that go away too 

[Kiaza]

@shawnyYou sent me a personal message earlier and I already answered that question. I did and it went away.

[shawny]

Sure tanx ,

 

i must have forgotten  

[voyteck]

Thank you so much sharing!

Though I had already read some successful stories, when I managed to reach 1-year point of being my poison-free I really felt it's impossible to cure after such long time. It's been hell and in one respect (GI issues) I am even worse than year ago.

I have some hope again!

[Kiaza]

@voyteck you have lots of hope. I was in really bad shape a year ago and it felt like it will never get better but it did. Just keep hanging there.

[Elyssa143]

@Kiaza I wrote you a message I can post here too. I was wondering if you had the intrusive si, hopelessness/dread in your chest, depression or chemical feelings of wanting to die. ? Im 17 month's in and definitely improving but still having very tough times. I look forward to hearing back!!! thank you, glad your doing well!

[potions]

Hey Kiaza, I'm glad to hear you're healed now. I'm wondering if anhedonia was one of your symptoms during withdrawal? And also, you mentioned you had PSSD. Do you mind sharing your symptoms that are gone now? Did you have genital numbness? And what was your pattern of recovery from PSSD/anhedonia? Thanks, and happy to hear about your recovery

[Rbvdk]

Congrats and thanks for sharing!! Love hearing success stories from long-term ADs.

[IWantToHeal]

@Kiaza your story has been one of the most inspiring that I've read on this site, you're so brave to go through what you've been through and frankly it's amazing that you've recovered so well. It gives others like me hope!

 

@potions  If you check her original story below, she describes how she was completely emotionally and sexually numb and has even managed to recover from this. I hope you see this story and it gives you some faith that you will also heal. 

 

 

 

[India]

On 8/2/2019 at 6:38 AM, Kiaza said:

Here’s a link to my story 

 

Hello! I have a success story. After 4-5 years of hell I am now normal and healed. My withdrawal ended up in psychosis and suicide attempts due to way too quick tapering of citalopram. Don’t ever do a cold turkey or taper too quickly.

 

I can’t really remember what has happened during these past years since they were full of terror, paranoia, anxiety, insomnia, vomiting, stomach problems etc. I just want to forget it all and hopefully live a good , healthy life for the rest of my life.

 

Maybe the worst symptom was insomnia since it makes all other symptoms feel much more worse. My insomnia lasted for three years. Sometimes I was so tired that i wanted to die because it felt like the only option that would give me rest. Now I sleep 6-8 hours every night and my sleep cycle is normal. I go to bed 10pm and wake up 7-8am. 

 

This summer has been a big turning point. Getting better started about a year ago and I’ve steadily become better. I’ve been studying again and I also had a summer job. I can cycle 20km trips so my physique is now much better than it was when all I could do was to lay in bed for two years.

 

My bodily functions are now normal. My stomach works fine and I guess getting my tummy to work normally is the reason why I feel so much better. All health comes from the gut. Periods are normal. My hormones were messed up for years but now endocrine system works. I had really bad period cramps and pains during withdrawal but now it’s all back to normal.

 

I had really bad repetitive thoughts and thinking and total lack of feeling safe. For 2-3 years I went on and on about how I should have just eaten healthy, exercised and quit my medication slower. I’ve always had issues with safety, but medication kept those feelings away. I did a lot of mental work to get rid of my obsessive thinking. I have always controlled my eating, it has given me a feeling that I’m in control of my self. During withdrawal I had no control over me, my emotions swept me out of balance and I couldn’t control my behaviour. I also lost the ability to control my eating since I got very bad cravings. I ate 3 bags of candy per week, pizza, hamburgers, what ever. Not very wise if you want your body to get better and heal but every cell inside of you is yelling for carbs and fat. So fat and carbs I ate.

 

During last 6 months I have started to eat normal. Maybe I would have been healed a long time ago if I had eaten properly but somehow I needed a slow transition back to normal. I also didn’t want to start obsessing about health, fitness and food so I gave myself time to get adjusted to maybe a more healthy way of thinking. I can eat  whatever I want (but in moderation), my life is not ruined forever if I don’t follow a strict set of rules about eating and exercising. I have been in hell, I don’t need those things to keep me safe or give me order in this world that makes no sense. Anything can happen in any second so why waste my life fearing it. I’ve always had problems with myself, medication faded those feelings but never healed them since I could not access the events and feelings in my mind which led to certain kind of behaviour. Now I’ve worked those things by myself. I was in therapy for awhile but I didn’t want to continue it because I knew I have the tools and answers in myself and I want to go through this on my own, no therapist can help me since nobody knows me better than myself. 

 

My body and mind went to ruins in withdrawal process. I may have trauma that will never heal, but now I am more merciful towards myself. I like who I am as a person. I don’t need to be fit to like myself. I still have 10kg extra weight that came from withdrawal, but I’ve always been too skinny so who cares. I don’t let little things get to me anymore, I don’t let pressure from outside get to me anymore. I have no need to ”be something” to get respect from others. I survived this hell so I have nothing to prove to anyone because I proved myself  everything I ever wanted. All  I ever maybe wanted was that I would accept myself and have the courage to be myself and now I’ve done it.

@Gemma92 @intothewoods

[Felisbela]

Very good you survived this ordeal, it gives hopes to others

[India]

@Kiaza did you have cognitive problems? 

[Felisbela]

On 8/2/2019 at 8:14 AM, withhopeinmyheart said:

Congratulations! A wonderful success! You are so right. A lot of what we think is important just fades away while we are forced to survive this hell. 

 

Thank you for sharing your healing success. 

I'm happy that you healed, it gives hope to others that are having withdrawals symptoms, all I can say you are a very strong woman welldone

[Felisbela]

Very good topic on people who want to heal withdrawals symptoms, this website gives hope to people who are going through withdrawals.

[Kiaza]

Hi guys!

I don't come in here very often so I might not answer your questions. Every symptom you have, I've propably had it too and I got better. I've been with my boyfriend for 1,5 years now and I met him after 1 year of being drug free. It is possible to get feelings back and have a sex life. But you also need to work for it yourself and train your brain to function again. I did handcrafts, went to long walks, rode a horse whenever I was able to, played lots of board games and that is how I got my mental function back.

[Felisbela]

On 8/2/2019 at 6:38 AM, Kiaza said:

Here’s a link to my story 

 

Hello! I have a success story. After 4-5 years of hell I am now normal and healed. My withdrawal ended up in psychosis and suicide attempts due to way too quick tapering of citalopram. Don’t ever do a cold turkey or taper too quickly.

 

I can’t really remember what has happened during these past years since they were full of terror, paranoia, anxiety, insomnia, vomiting, stomach problems etc. I just want to forget it all and hopefully live a good , healthy life for the rest of my life.

 

Maybe the worst symptom was insomnia since it makes all other symptoms feel much more worse. My insomnia lasted for three years. Sometimes I was so tired that i wanted to die because it felt like the only option that would give me rest. Now I sleep 6-8 hours every night and my sleep cycle is normal. I go to bed 10pm and wake up 7-8am. 

 

This summer has been a big turning point. Getting better started about a year ago and I’ve steadily become better. I’ve been studying again and I also had a summer job. I can cycle 20km trips so my physique is now much better than it was when all I could do was to lay in bed for two years.

 

My bodily functions are now normal. My stomach works fine and I guess getting my tummy to work normally is the reason why I feel so much better. All health comes from the gut. Periods are normal. My hormones were messed up for years but now endocrine system works. I had really bad period cramps and pains during withdrawal but now it’s all back to normal.

 

I had really bad repetitive thoughts and thinking and total lack of feeling safe. For 2-3 years I went on and on about how I should have just eaten healthy, exercised and quit my medication slower. I’ve always had issues with safety, but medication kept those feelings away. I did a lot of mental work to get rid of my obsessive thinking. I have always controlled my eating, it has given me a feeling that I’m in control of my self. During withdrawal I had no control over me, my emotions swept me out of balance and I couldn’t control my behaviour. I also lost the ability to control my eating since I got very bad cravings. I ate 3 bags of candy per week, pizza, hamburgers, what ever. Not very wise if you want your body to get better and heal but every cell inside of you is yelling for carbs and fat. So fat and carbs I ate.

 

During last 6 months I have started to eat normal. Maybe I would have been healed a long time ago if I had eaten properly but somehow I needed a slow transition back to normal. I also didn’t want to start obsessing about health, fitness and food so I gave myself time to get adjusted to maybe a more healthy way of thinking. I can eat  whatever I want (but in moderation), my life is not ruined forever if I don’t follow a strict set of rules about eating and exercising. I have been in hell, I don’t need those things to keep me safe or give me order in this world that makes no sense. Anything can happen in any second so why waste my life fearing it. I’ve always had problems with myself, medication faded those feelings but never healed them since I could not access the events and feelings in my mind which led to certain kind of behaviour. Now I’ve worked those things by myself. I was in therapy for awhile but I didn’t want to continue it because I knew I have the tools and answers in myself and I want to go through this on my own, no therapist can help me since nobody knows me better than myself. 

 

My body and mind went to ruins in withdrawal process. I may have trauma that will never heal, but now I am more merciful towards myself. I like who I am as a person. I don’t need to be fit to like myself. I still have 10kg extra weight that came from withdrawal, but I’ve always been too skinny so who cares. I don’t let little things get to me anymore, I don’t let pressure from outside get to me anymore. I have no need to ”be something” to get respect from others. I survived this hell so I have nothing to prove to anyone because I proved myself  everything I ever wanted. All  I ever maybe wanted was that I would accept myself and have the courage to be myself and now I’ve done it.

Congratulations I'm happy for you, you poor thing having to go through all this withdrawals for four to five years, you're very strong woman

[LarryS]

Thank you for sharing your hopeful story.

[Kiaza]

Hi everyone! Almost 3 years since I took my last pill. In last August I started to work as a substitute teacher and it was a really good way to rehabilitate my brains. I am still doing my undergraduate studies and I have regained my strenght now so much that I bicycle about 100km every week and I also do a little bit of riding. I feel emotionally stable and I feel secure and confident in my life now. Everyone has hope and you will get through this.

[Frogie]

2 minutes ago, Kiaza said:

Hi everyone! Almost 3 years since I took my last pill. In last August I started to work as a substitute teacher and it was a really good way to rehabilitate my brains. I am still doing my undergraduate studies and I have regained my strenght now so much that I bicycle about 100km every week and I also do a little bit of riding. I feel emotionally stable and I feel secure and confident in my life now. Everyone has hope and you will get through this.

It’s so nice to read stories of people that have healed.

 

 I’m so happy for you. Sounds like you’re doing wonderful!

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[Cocopuffz17]

On 6/14/2020 at 7:01 AM, Kiaza said:

Hi everyone! Almost 3 years since I took my last pill. In last August I started to work as a substitute teacher and it was a really good way to rehabilitate my brains. I am still doing my undergraduate studies and I have regained my strenght now so much that I bicycle about 100km every week and I also do a little bit of riding. I feel emotionally stable and I feel secure and confident in my life now. Everyone has hope and you will get through this.

 

Congrats!! for being off it for 3 years! That is amazing to hear! I am so happy it brings a smile to my face

[Happy2Heal]

On 8/2/2019 at 1:38 AM, Kiaza said:

. I don’t let little things get to me anymore, I don’t let pressure from outside get to me anymore. I have no need to ”be something” to get respect from others. I survived this hell so I have nothing to prove to anyone because I proved myself  everything I ever wanted. All  I ever maybe wanted was that I would accept myself and have the courage to be myself and now I’ve done it.

 

 

congratulations on your recovery Kiaza!!

 

your last paragraph perfectly  echoes the way that I feel now.

I just realized a day ago, in fact, that I no longer feel the need to anything but who I am, and it's been so liberating

 

I feel the same about the hell I went thru, my goodness that we can survive that just shows how strong and magnificent we really are

 

Good for you!! 

 

 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

What a wonderful success story!  It gives me hope for my own healing. 

[Kiaza]

Hi everybody!

 

I have moved on in my life and rarely if ever come back here again. This community helped me very much and I am in debt to you all. However as I have moved on, I really want to put this chapter of my life behind me. I don't know how to delete my account and this is the last post from me on this site. I have decided to continue my life without participating on this site and community. I feel that for my own sake it is better if I forget this chapter completely and continue living the life I have built over the last few years. I am sorry but I am not going to answer to any inquiries about my withdrawal, it is all in the past for me. I express my deepest gratitude to those people who helped me here, and I wish all the best in the world to anyone fighting this fight right now. Au revoir!

 

Sincerely,

Kiaza

[manymoretodays]

1 hour ago, Kiaza said:

Hi everybody!

 

I have moved on in my life and rarely if ever come back here again. This community helped me very much and I am in debt to you all. However as I have moved on, I really want to put this chapter of my life behind me. I don't know how to delete my account and this is the last post from me on this site. I have decided to continue my life without participating on this site and community. I feel that for my own sake it is better if I forget this chapter completely and continue living the life I have built over the last few years. I am sorry but I am not going to answer to any inquiries about my withdrawal, it is all in the past for me. I express my deepest gratitude to those people who helped me here, and I wish all the best in the world to anyone fighting this fight right now. Au revoir!

 

Sincerely,

Kiaza

 

Hi Kiaza, 

And congrats.  So glad you are doing so well.

Here's what we've got on closing or deleting ones' account.  Basically you just stop posting, and if you do have notifications from the site set, up, then go into your Account Settings> notification settings and you can shut those off as well.
If you wish to close or delete your account

All our best, in your continued life journey.  And many thanks for your participation here.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

moderator manymoretodays(mmt)

[Noh1995]

My warm congratulations, I wish you a happy life away from the damn medicines that destroy people and families

[Phoenixmama]

love this story 

[Hms123]

Hi Kiaza, thanks so much for coming back and writing this story. You've been through hell and back, and I'm so glad to hear you've healed and can move on with life. Wishing you nothing but good fortune and health for the future. You deserve it!