Yesyes123: Will I ever be able to quit Lexapro?

[Nomansland]

Hello @Yesyes123,

 

hm....well...to me, your scale doesnt look complete?! It misses the weighting plate (i dont mean the tray).

I guess that is what causing the scale to go down and down in weight. It definitly doenst look "normal".

 

See, this is how the scale should look like: https://purebulk.com/products/gemini-20-digital-scale

 

Yours is missing the weighting plate in the middle (given you really have the normal Gemini-20 model)

 

Update: Sorry, i saw a few youtube videos and they look like yours, without the plate. Also there are many more that do have this plate. Now iam confused. Because i have the AWS and the SmartWeigh model of the Gem-20 and both have this plate in the middle. Lets see what @brassmonkey say about this.

Maybe its an older model (because the videos i could find, without the plate, where quite old)? Where did you buy it from?

 

Greetings

 

Nomansland

[brassmonkey]

If it is an official Gemini-20 there should be a small pan or bowl that came with the scale that fits on the center plate. It could be worked around by finding some light weight object to life a bit of paper above the scale body. Have it all in place when you turn on the scale and it should automatically TARE the readout to 0.000. then you can measure your dose onto the piece of paper and use the paper to funnel the powder into the gel caps.

 

From the video it looks like you left it in calibration mode after the word "PASSED" appears. The scales are showing you a progression to help select the weight you want to calibrate at, which would be the same as the specified weight of the calibration weight you set on it, which appears to be 10.000g. When you see the word "PASSED" turn the scales off. Wait a minute or so then turn them back on and use as normal. 

 

When turning the scales on just press and release the on button, do not hold it down. According to the manufacturer the scales do not need to be calibrated when new.

[Yesyes123]

Thanks so much for stopping by @Nomansland - mine does look different, indeed. But it seems some other Gemini-20s look exactly like mine. There might be some variations.

 

15 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

If it is an official Gemini-20 there should be a small pan or bowl that came with the scale that fits on the center plate.

 

 

Are you referring to this from the images I put here? It does not make a difference, the scale is still going down in value as seconds go by, sometimes the value keeps going up. I'm pretty sure it's not working properly.

 

I'm gonna go get a refund.

 

[ChessieCat]

You could try putting in new batteries.  If it came with batteries they may be old.

 

From the manual:

 

IV. TROUBLESHOOTING

The primary reasons for inaccuracy or malfunction

are low batteries, incorrect calibration, overload or

operating on an unstable surface. Please keep this in

mind and maintain and operate your scale properly.

This scale is a precise instrument and must be

handled with the utmost care and caution.

[Yesyes123]

Thanks @ChessieCat.

 

It's in a flat surface (tried multiple flat surfaces around the house, same problem every time)

 

It's got fresh new batteries I just put on it, this must be a faulty unit. I'm in Brazil and got it shipped here from out of the country, maybe it got messed up on the way here.

 

It keeps changing the value, either going up or down. I just put a pill on it and it started at 0.200g, it's been about a minute now and it increased to 0.270g, by 0.001g increments.

 

I guess I'm gonna try to get my hands on a similar 0.001g scale that's already in my country.

 

I've also been considering the water method. I saw members here who simply put their Escitalopram pill in certain amounts of water, wait for it to dilute, then remove a certain amount of the solution and take the rest.

 

I would put my 15mg pill in 15mL water and wait 5-10 minutes. Then stir it up/ shake it up and use a syringe to take out 1.5mL

 

Then there would be 13.5mL of solution left in the cup = 13.5mg Escitalopram (10% reduction)

 

Seems like a good plan if I can't get a working scale, right? 

 

the thing that bothers me is I'd have to do that process daily, as opposed to the scale method that allows me to make pills for the week/ next 2 weeks and then just take them.

 

 

[Yesyes123]

@Altostrata I think you are familiar with Escitalopram homemade water solution right? Could you please send me the link about it, it you have it? Thanks so much...

[ChessieCat]

Here is the topic:

 

Tips for tapering off escitalopram (Lexapro)

[Yesyes123]

11 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Here is the topic:

 

Tips for tapering off escitalopram (Lexapro)

 

Thanks once again!

 

What is puzzling me at the moment is, if I switch to homemade liquid escitalopram, is it necessary to do some sort of cross over or can I just start taking the liquid?

 

I know you need to cross over if you are taking the brand liquid that is a different formula.

 

But if I put my 15mg Escitalopram pill in 15mg water, do I need to do some sort of schedule like 1/2 dose pill + 1/2 dose liquid for a week, etc?

 

Or can I just switch to liquid? Since it's just the exact same molecules I have been taking in solid form, but now dissolved in water, I suppose it would make no difference... 

 

Like, I take the solid pill with water, so after a few moments it dissolves inside me. So if I dissolve it in water a few moments before ingesting it, is it any different?

 

I was thinking of taking the homemade liquid of my current dose 15mg for like, 2 weeks or so before trying to lower it to 13.5mg (10% reduction).

 

Thank you, thank you!!

[ChessieCat]

Yes, SA generally suggests that when changing form/brand of a drug to do a cross over.  It is gentler on the system and also when changing form of a drug there may be some difference in the absorption, eg liquid will be absorbed quicker than tablet.

 

I suggest that during the cross over process you keep notes on paper.

 

Take each of the following combinations for 3-7 days and hold for longer at any stage if needed:  3/4 + 1/4, 1/2 + 1/2, 1/4 + 3/4.

 

If you are currently taking a full 15mg tablet, then you will not need to be too concerned about breaking the tablet to get the amounts exact (just as close as you can) because you will be consuming all of the same tablet at the same time, just dissolving a portion in water.

 

You might find it helpful to cut the tablet on a piece of baking paper because the surface is non-stick so any powder/bits can be added to the water.

 

Just wanted to make sure that you saw this:

 

On 5/27/2011 at 12:16 PM, Altostrata said:

 

Your best bet would be to use a homemade isotonic saline solution (9% salt in water) which is made by dissolving 9 grams of table salt in 100mL of water. This mixture will last for a month or so in the refrigerator if you haven't added the drug to it.  Once the drug is added it will keep for about a week.

 

 

Edited March 3, 2021 by ChessieCat

[Yesyes123]

That is so helpful @ChessieCat.

 

Yeah, I saw that! But would there be any difference in doing the method with salt than just using water? 

 

Also, I do not have a scale atm to measure 9 grams of salt. And in the long term it seems way easier to do it with just water.

 

Are you recommending the method with salt if I intended to make a solution and store it for like a week?

 

Since there is not much info on how long exactly the solution would last and be effective, I would prefer to dissolve the pill in water daily to avoid any kind of inconsistency in taking a dose of liquid that has been stored for a while and maybe made inneficient.

[ChessieCat]

If you are able to get smaller dose tablets you could take a smaller dose tablet and take the rest as a liquid.  When you make a reduction you would then take the tablet and less liquid.

 

The drug is only sparingly soluble in plain water.  The salt helps it to be more soluble.

 

At the moment you will only need to make it each day.  Even for the next few reductions you will not really need to make a batch.  It is when the doses get small that it can be more economical to make more so that you do not waste tablets.  For example dissolving 2 x 15mg to make 3 doses of 10mg.  But if you can get 10mg tablets then you would use those.

 

Generally the suggested keeping time is 3-4 days.  I think the longer keeping time of 1 week for this method is due to the salt stopping the growth of bacteria.   If there is a reduction in the strength of the drug I imagine that it would only be by a very tiny amount.  For a minority of members who are very sensitive it might cause a problem.

[brassmonkey]

There are 1  1/2 level teaspoons for 9 grams of salt.

[Yesyes123]

26 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

There are 1  1/2 level teaspoons for 9 grams of salt.

 

Thanks, that is very helpful. I was wondering if there was such way to measure without a scale

 

Well, well... now I need to figure out which method to use. It's so hard to make any sort of decision since my Lexapro crash last year.

 

An update about how I'm feeling... by now basically all of my physical symptoms have subsided. 

 

I am still struggling a lot with suicidal ideation and problems on the mental aspect. 

 

I feel like I'm now a lot closer to what I have been like all these years on the drug, despite the dose increase (was on 10mg for 5 years, on 15mg now).

 

What is so difficult to deal with is the idea that this has been done to me in a time when I had no sufficient knowledge to defend myself, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the past. I keep hurting myself with the "what could have been"s and such.

 

Whenever I get some pain and discomfort, I keep thinking damn, I could be a totally healthy normal person now.

 

I know how unproductive these types of thinking are and am well aware of emotional spirals. 

 

Someday I will be drug free and WD free too.

[Crochet]

Yesyes, your anger makes sense and is totally normal.  I know we have to engage in positive thinking as much was we can right now, but I believe you will be able to take some sort of action in the future, when you are feeling better, that can help you come to peace.

 

 

[ChessieCat]

2 hours ago, Yesyes123 said:

Well, well... now I need to figure out which method to use. It's so hard to make any sort of decision since my Lexapro crash last year.

 

I suggest that you jot down thoughts on paper.  This gets it out of your brain and can help stop the thoughts continue to go around and around in your brain.

[Yesyes123]

I found I can get the brand liquid Escitalopram here in Brazil, but only in 20mg/mL concentration. 

 

Does anyone know if I can dilute the brand liquid Escitalopram in water in order to be able to measure a more precise dose?

 

I am considering all my options before starting my taper.

 

I also ordered a new digital scale that measures 0.001g and is already in Brazil (so it won't have to travel overseas like the other one, which might have damaged it). 

 

I will be receiving the new scale in about 10 days and will study it.

 

Maybe it would be the best approach because I won't need to risk the switch to liquid (either pharmacy liquid or homemade) which could be problematic, and I can make pills as I need, store them and take anywhere (liquid is harder to take places - would I need to store it in a refrigerator always?)

 

So the 3 options I'm considering for my taper are:

 

1. Digital scale, weighing crushed pills. The one I'm most inclined to for reasons mentioned above. Will do this if I can get a working scale.

 

2. Switching from solid pills to homemade liquid (dissolving my pills in water or water+salt. Either doing the process daily or making a water+salt solution that would keep for the next 5 days or so in the fridge.) This seems a bit too much of a hassle to me.

 

3. Switching to brand liquid Escitalopram 20mg/mL that I can get from pharmacy. Seems risky making the switch, could run into problems that would possibly take months to reestabilize. This risk is not a factor in doing the crushed pills + scale method. I can only get 20mg/mL Escitalopram pharmacy liquid here in Brazil though. Can I add water to it to make it easier to make precise measurements? How long can I store the liquid with added water? Does it need to stay on the fridge?

 

Another option would be compounding pharmacies, but I'm not gonna risk that. I have had bad experiences with local compounding pharmacies and don't trust them here.

 

@ChessieCat, @brassmonkey Thank you so much.

 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

Yes u can dilute in water or juice. I can help u with the calculations in case ur not sure. Make sure u mix the liquid drug very well just before u take the amount u need to dilute in water or juice. Also adjust ur calculations in such a way that u don’t take a tiny amount from the original bottle. 

[JesusSavemefromWD]

My opinion is that liquid will allow u more precise tapering, especially once ur are at low concentrations. I wouldn’t keep any drug in diluted water , I would discard even if this means I have to waste some drug. If u design the calculations carefully u ll not have to waste much 

[Dubcity]

On 3/4/2021 at 8:00 PM, Yesyes123 said:

I found I can get the brand liquid Escitalopram here in Brazil, but only in 20mg/mL concentration. 

 

Does anyone know if I can dilute the brand liquid Escitalopram in water in order to be able to measure a more precise dose?

 

I am considering all my options before starting my taper.

 

I also ordered a new digital scale that measures 0.001g and is already in Brazil (so it won't have to travel overseas like the other one, which might have damaged it). 

 

I will be receiving the new scale in about 10 days and will study it.

 

Maybe it would be the best approach because I won't need to risk the switch to liquid (either pharmacy liquid or homemade) which could be problematic, and I can make pills as I need, store them and take anywhere (liquid is harder to take places - would I need to store it in a refrigerator always?)

 

So the 3 options I'm considering for my taper are:

 

1. Digital scale, weighing crushed pills. The one I'm most inclined to for reasons mentioned above. Will do this if I can get a working scale.

 

2. Switching from solid pills to homemade liquid (dissolving my pills in water or water+salt. Either doing the process daily or making a water+salt solution that would keep for the next 5 days or so in the fridge.) This seems a bit too much of a hassle to me.

 

3. Switching to brand liquid Escitalopram 20mg/mL that I can get from pharmacy. Seems risky making the switch, could run into problems that would possibly take months to reestabilize. This risk is not a factor in doing the crushed pills + scale method. I can only get 20mg/mL Escitalopram pharmacy liquid here in Brazil though. Can I add water to it to make it easier to make precise measurements? How long can I store the liquid with added water? Does it need to stay on the fridge?

 

Another option would be compounding pharmacies, but I'm not gonna risk that. I have had bad experiences with local compounding pharmacies and don't trust them here.

 

@ChessieCat, @brassmonkey Thank you so much.

 

I’m about to start my taper too and these are the 3 options I have been considering as well. I’m also leaning towards doing a scale taper, it’s how I did my benzo taper a while back so I’m most familiar with it. Interested to see which route you decide to go. Best of luck !

[Yesyes123]

10 minutes ago, Dubcity said:

I’m about to start my taper too and these are the 3 options I have been considering as well. I’m also leaning towards doing a scale taper, it’s how I did my benzo taper a while back so I’m most familiar with it. Interested to see which route you decide to go. Best of luck !

 

Thanks for stopping by @Dubcity.

 

I just ordered a new scale online since the first one I got wasn't working properly.

Should get this new one in the mail in about 3 to 4 days.

 

I'm thinking I'll go with the scale method.

Would like to do homemade liquid Escitalopram in water but I'm scared of having problems making the switch, plus I'm not sure if it needs to be stored in the fridge, not sure how long I can keep the solution, etc.

 

It puzzles me though, as to why people say they have problems switching to homemade liquid. I don't understand how the exact same molecules, only diluted in water, could have any different effect then taking the solid pill.

 

I take my solid pill with water, so a few minutes later it is dissolved.

Would it really make a difference dissolving it before putting it inside my body?

I guess I would probably be fine with homemade liquid solution. But I'm truly scared of making the switch and then falling into withdrawal again, which would take God knows how long to stabilize, and I'm already suicidal as I am, I don't want to risk making things worse...

 

The crushed pills method, as people say here, seems to offer no risk during the switch from solid pill to crushed pill.

So I guess that is the smarter, most logical way to go...

 

It will be a long time before I get to the lower dosages anyway, and I can get the compounded pills with custom super small doses later on, or switch to liquid then.

 

May God help us through this ordeal.

 

Peace and healing

[Yesyes123]

I haven't talked about how I've been in a while.

Here's an update about how things are going for me, for those interested.

 

I want to kill myself. I will not do it, though.

 

I'm not struggling that much with withdrawal symptoms anymore, as after reinstatement I have been getting more and more stable. I still have some symptoms that I never had before and feel are from tapering Lexapro too fast. Those are constant self-criticism, constantly regretting pretty much every decision, ruminating thoughts, my mind feels different after this, I wouldn't say foggy, maybe somewhat more "numb" is a better description. That could also be from the dose increase - I was on 10mg all these years and then upped to 15mg.

 

What hurts me is thinking about this situation, the psychological trauma that it caused and all the chaos it brought to my life, which was so peaceful and happy. About 3 months of crying over 10 times a day, not being able to do anything without crying, looking at anything slightly emotional and instantly starting to sob, calling my mom 10 times a day in absolute despair, sobbing, making her absolutely terrified. Not knowing what it was, incessantly messaging my psychiatrist for answers, thinking I was bipolar or had some other serious problem. Being prescribed Seroquel, Lithium, Lamotrigine (refused to take those). Not knowing what tomorrow would be like, not being able to sleep and being desperate knowing that lack of sleep makes everything much worse.

 

Before today I hadn't cried in a while. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks of no tears, just holding up, reading a lot around SA and looking for info on how to get better and drug-free, trying to get good sleep, staying isolated because of coronavirus (we are in the absolute worst moment of crisis currently here in Brazil. 1900 people died just yesterday here - yes, in one day. And those numbers have been rising everyday. We also have been registering about 70,000 new cases per day this week).

 

As I walked to my balcony at 5am, looking at the gas station and street lights nearby, I couldn't help but start sobbing. I started thinking of my life in 2019. It feels like yesterday. I didn't have a SINGLE worry in my mind. I was so confident. I never thought anything could ever get to me again.

 

I absolutely hate to say this, and honestly in the past 5 years or so I would NEVER imagine that I would EVER be in this situation, but I really want to kill myself. 

 

There's no way around this. I need to be honest. Lying to myself would just aggravate the problem. This is what I'm feeling. 

 

I will not do it though - never. I have so much in my future. I have people to help. I have been warning so many people about antidepressants. I recently met someone who had started Escitalopram the day before meeting me, and I got them to stop.

 

 

I keep telling myself stories, I keep saying that this problem with antidepressants "had to happen", that I learnt a lot about life and everything through this, that there's some bigger reason for this, etc, etc, etc. I keep trying to find ways to make this seem less worse for me.

 

In a lot of ways, I feel like I died last year. I feel like the person I used to be, so young, so truly happy, so full of life, the person who had so many friends, who loved talking to everyone, who loved learning, teaching, who had launched a successful business at age 18 and was making plans on expanding it, who wanted to make money to help him mom and grandma, who would be alone for weeks at a time and content with it, just reading, listening to music, learning... that person unfortunately does not exist anymore.

 

I would go to the park with my girlfriend and sit on the grass, watching the birds, feeling the breeze... then go home, watch a movie, what a peaceful life. It was so beautiful. It was everything I could have ever asked for. If only I knew my hear and soul were about to be crushed in October 2020. I guess, at least, I need to be thankful for the things I lived. Not many people get to experience such beautiful things. And well, I can still experience those. Not exactly right now because of the pandemic, but that has nothing to do with withdrawal (or maybe it's connected somehow? the overall mood on Earth during the pandemic seems congruent with withdrawal...)

 

I haven't fully told my story in here, and I don't think I ever will. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I have a hard time even thinking about the events that took place last year. Nothing will ever change that. I have to either forget it, or live with it for the rest of my life.

 

I keep watching videos of people who have cancer, were severely burnt, shot in the face, abused, etc, and haven't given up. I keep telling myself I have it much easier than those people; that it's a shame for me to remain in this state of malaise and hopelessness, when I have every tool to fight this and make a full recovery, and then live an entire life full of joy. I am only 21.

 

It's just absurdly painful to think that this was done to me by men, not nature. I don't have cancer, I don't have any kind of disease at all, I'm perfectly healthy in every sense, I loved the person I used to be so much (deep down I know I'm still that person!), everything I could do, art, feel, the things I would think, my identity. I was poisoned and everything was broken when I tried to free myself from the poison. I'm sure each and every one of us here feels this way, but... if only I had known what I was getting myself into when stepping into a psychiatrist's office...

 

The things that keep me from actually moving forward with suicidal thoughts are the people that love me, and my beliefs in spiritual life - in which suicide only makes suffering much, much more terrible.

 

On a more positive note; I guess, in a way, I'm being too proud, maybe arrogant.

 

I keep telling myself I had everything to be happy, I had everything I could wish for in life. That I didn't need to go through such immense pain and be absolutely shaken.

 

But the truth is; I am not better than any of the people struggling here in SA. I am human, just like all of you.

In lots of ways I'm very fortunate; I didn't lose 20 years of my life on polypharmacy, having no idea about withdrawal, believing misdiasnosis after misdiagnosis, etc. I found SA at a very young age, when I still have a developing brain that's prone to neuroplasticity and healing.

 

I have only been on one drug.

And it hasn't been all that long - It will be 6 years in July 2021. There are people who have been on them much longer and managed to make a full recovery.

 

I have every resource needed to fight this. I have an extremely supportive mother who will do anything for me.

I have access to the drug easily.

 

I have never attempted a slow taper before.

Maybe it will be very easy to come off.

Maybe, a year from now, I will be at a much lower dosage, happy to be able to come off eventually.

 

Sometimes it gets really overwhelming. 

 

I know lots of people say this, but I truly mean it... I'm not sure I would be here, breathing, at home and able to type this out, if it wasn't for Surviving Antidepressants.

 

Let's keep on fighting and hoping for, somehow, better days - even though it seems like I have lived the good part of my life already.

 

I have noticed that "grief" and feeling like you have died and are now "griefing your old self" seem to be common withdrawal symptoms? Has anyone else had those?

 

You can never know the surprises that life will bring in the future.

You need to be there to find out.

 

Thanks everyone

[Dubcity]

Please just try to remember that this is only temporary. It is not permanent, we will all heal. Some heal faster than others but in the end we will all heal. I felt the same way you did during my benzo taper, I was in the darkest place in my life and felt completely hopeless. I managed to get better and you will too. Don’t lose hope. You will win this fight and come out stronger than before. You will look back one day and smile. just keep reminding yourself this is not permanent and that you will get better. 

[Crochet]

Dear Yesyes,

 

It's absolutely shocking the switch that was flipped after stopping the medication.

 

Your life is beautiful and will continue to be. I believe this.

 

With love, Crochet

[Carolina]

Dear yesyes,

 

Everything you said in your post resonates. You are not alone. I, too, am constantly plagued with suicidal thoughts. Deep down I understand that these thoughts are a desperate plea to wake up in another life, one where i never walked into the psychiatrist’s office, never took these medications.
These thoughts are also a manifestation of a deep fear of what potentially awaits. A deep fear of the unknown: will I be one of the lucky one’s that succeeds or not ? These thoughts are a plea to escape. Escape this fate that none of us deserves. 
 

What I think is that the end, it is futile to constantly think and agonize about the situation as, logically, if hell and pain and terror are to come, I should enjoy the now. I should enjoy every second I have Before that happens. If not, I am only prolonging my misery. I should enjoy the things I may not be able to do in the future: biking, running, reading, etc. This is easier said than done. But I try. And I practice. And that ‘exit’ plan will always be there. But once I open that door, it’s done. It is final. Without life, there is no hope. 
 

In then end, I also had a deep and difficult conversation with myself, questioning what my guiding beacon in all this is. What motivates me to keep on going. That is very personal but I believe truly important. Without that guide, I would be lost.

[ChessieCat]

Hi YY, I received your PM asking about CBT.  I will respond here in your topic so that you will have the links permanently.  It information may also help other members both current and future.

 

There are many existing topics on SA.  Use a search engine and add site:survivingantidepressants.org to the search term.

 

Here is SA's CBT topic:

 

cognitive-behavior-therapy-cbt-for-anxiety-depression-and-withdrawal-symptoms

 

Just in case you have not seen this topic, which also contains links to other topics in Post #1:

 

Non-drug techniques

 

This is an excellent website.  Scroll down to see the list of topics:

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/selfhelp.htm

[Yesyes123]

@Dubcity, @Crochet, @Carolina, @ChessieCat, thank you all so much for the kind words.

 

I've seen people say they are actually glad to have been through this, and managed to beat it. That it changed them for the better. I guess there are many things you can learn through this.

 

Peace and healing

 

[Crochet]

Hi Yesyes,

 

Grieving my old self is a big part of this strange journey.  My body and mind are a different body and mind than they were last year.  I felt so safe, so protected, on a path.  I was like you, I was so content when by myself and got a lot out of spending time with people in meaningful ways.  I had stress and anxiety and frustrations, but I could handle them and sleep at night.  I grieve my ability to show up for others.  Now I have to depend on them.  It feels so unfamiliar.

 

Take care and we'll get through this,

 

Crochet

 

 

[Yesyes123]

This feels like torture. If it wasn't for SurvivingAntidepressants I am pretty sure I would have fallen into one of these options:

 

1. Convinced I'm bipolar. And would be taking more heavy drugs. One of the psychiatrists I saw said I was definitely bipolar without a single doubt. That was based in a 30 minute video-call conversation, before I had found SA.

 

2. Convinced I have some other serious brain condition and would also be taking drugs for it. My main psychiatrist prescribed me Seroquel and Lithium on top of Lexapro. When I refused Seroquel and Lithium, he prescribed me Lamotrigine and even gave me a Lamictal box of pills. Imagine the situation I'd be in if I had followed his guidelines.

 

3. Dead. 

 

I'm finding solace in the fact that I haven't fallen into any of those.

 

Still, going from absolutely happy and healthy to manic, suicidal and absolutely depressed in a matter of weeks at age 21 is still a big toll to take.

 

I am having constant obsessive thoughts. I can't stop thinking about my life in 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 before trying to stop taking Escitalopram. It feels like it's a different life. I miss it desperately. I just want to be who I was again, but that does not seem possible.

 

I can't stop wishing that I was never drugged. My problems were so minor back then. And now, just a few months ago, that I had overcame everything, that I was totally fine, I have been pretty much crushed by the very thing that was meant to help me.

 

I can't look at things in front of me or be in the present. 

 

I have been crying pretty much constantly again. I have a hard time believing the situation I'm in.

 

I can't understand this at all. I can't understand why I have to endure this - even having many advantages over most people who go through withdrawal, like being able to reinstate and stabilize, it just hurts so much. It just hurts so much.

 

I can't see how I'm ever going to be happy again, or find joy and meaning in life after this. 

 

I keep going, for these reasons, in this order:

 

1. The people who love me.

2. Spiritual beliefs and the sense that life goes on after the body dies.

3. The deep desire to overcome this - that would be my revenge on the people who did this to me.

4. The very real possibility of making a full recovery and living drug-free and happy in the future - maybe not the complete joy I have experienced in the last years, not worrying about anything, not being afraid of anything. But maybe some other kind of joy.

 

[Johni]

Magyar

Angol

I totally feel your situation. I know what you're going through. I also struggle with escitalopram. The most you can do in the present situation is to relax. Nothing should be urged. Which helped me anno, I cycled 15-20 miles in the evenings and listened to a lot of relaxation music. I never thought man could get to such a dark place. Right now, I'm in a wave too. Hold on 💪💪💪 I share your pain. welcome from hungarian

[Yesyes123]

1 hour ago, Johni said:

Magyar

Angol

I totally feel your situation. I know what you're going through. I also struggle with escitalopram. The most you can do in the present situation is to relax. Nothing should be urged. Which helped me anno, I cycled 15-20 miles in the evenings and listened to a lot of relaxation music. I never thought man could get to such a dark place. Right now, I'm in a wave too. Hold on 💪💪💪 I share your pain. welcome from hungarian

 

Thanks very much my friend. 

[almuPA]

Hello @Yesyes123,

I understand you so well.

Your posts show so much suffering, but at the same time so much maturity for someone so Young. You have all your life ahead of you. I am sure you will move from this hell and have the life you deserve.

Pléase hang in there

[Yesyes123]

1 hour ago, almuPA said:

Hello @Yesyes123,

I understand you so well.

Your posts show so much suffering, but at the same time so much maturity for someone so Young. You have all your life ahead of you. I am sure you will move from this hell and have the life you deserve.

Pléase hang in there

 

Thank you very much for the attention and care.

[Yesyes123]

Hey, I have some good news today!

 

I am now free from Escitalopram! 

 

I have decided that withdrawal is all in my mind and I CT'd 15mg today after 6 years on it!

 

No issues so far, doing great 🙂

 

Now that I know it's just the effect of the drug, I will be fine!

 

(Guys, don't freak out! This is obviously a joke...! I would never do something insane like that. Just trying to lighten the mood around here!)

[Yesyes123]

Now, on a serious note, I have some actual good news. I got a working precision scale that seems to be very precise and well calibrated.

 

I crushed the pills as the great@Gridley instructed me by putting them between 2 spoons and pressing. I then put the powder in a small glass bowl and used one of the spoons to press the chunks of pill that weren't crushed to powder, until they became powder too.

 

Here are my calculations on the image below. I got 0.203g for average pill weight and 0,182g for a 10% reduction (from 15mg to 13.5mg).

 

I weighed everything and put the powder on size 000 empty gelatin capsules. Pretty easy to do once you actually get the hang of it.

 

I made enough pills for a week or so. Stored them in a brown glass bottle.

 

I plan on seeing how I feel this next week, and then see what to do next. After reading about SERT levels, I saw that the higher doses are much easier to cut down. I was thinking of going straight to 10mg, I read a lot of stories of people who had no problem going from 15mg to 10mg, and even from 10mg to 5mg. But I know how risky that is.

 

Depending on what happens on 13.5mg, I will see what to do next.

 

Now I have 3 questions; I went outside for a few moments with the gelatin pills containing the escitalopram powder. I know that light and heat might damage the drugs, but a few moments, like half a minute exposed to 6am sunlight is no issue right?

 

I also did my best to measure exactly 0.182g on the scale, but some ended up being around 0.177g, 0.179g, 0.185g etc. As brassmonkey said about the AIC, this also creates no issue, right?

 

Another thing that happened is some of the powder wasn't that fine, some chunks of crushed pill ended up in the gelatin capsule (please check image below). Is this any kind of issue? Do I need to crush the pills extremely fine every time?

 

Just making sure. Thanks everyone

 

[Gridley]

2 hours ago, Yesyes123 said:

like half a minute exposed to 6am sunlight is no issue right?

I wouldn't think it's a problem.

 

2 hours ago, Yesyes123 said:

As brassmonkey said about the AIC, this also creates no issue, right?

Correct.

 

2 hours ago, Yesyes123 said:

Do I need to crush the pills extremely fine every time?

I would next time so the active ingredient is evenly spread when you stir it with the spoon.  

[Gridley]

3 hours ago, Yesyes123 said:

I was thinking of going straight to 10mg, I read a lot of stories of people who had no problem going from 15mg to 10mg, and even from 10mg to 5mg. But I know how risky that is.

 

I would definitely reduce by no more than 10%.