success siderale: escitalopram healed me, and I'm trying to live without it again: overcoming withdrawal symptoms

[siderale]

An update (again, I apologise for being so verbose) on my symptoms: I could consider myself in a window, albeit not a clear one, some things are definitely better. Some others are still weird.

 

- Nausea has been mostly gone for the past ~4 or 5 days, and my appetite is back full force during the day since 2 days. I am finally hungry again! I have "bouts" of nausea sometimes because I get some weird thoughts like, when I eat with full appetite I just go "I remember when I had nausea/what if I had nausea?" and boom, it comes back. Being nauseous for two months on and off does things to you. I am still very underweight but this will take time, I always had an insanely fast metabolism and putting on weight is near impossible. It's tough because right now, especially with summer, I hate how "sick" I look but I know that ultimately I am healthy and eating again.

 

- I still wake up drenched in anxiety. But strangely enough I wake up every day around 5AM with no anxiety! I just wake up when the birds begin to sing and fall back asleep after around ~20 mins. But when I wake up for good, around 8-9, I feel like I'm in the middle of a panic attack. However I know it eases off during the day, so I just try to not stay in bed for long. The anxiety is strong enough to give me some GI problems during the morning, but again it usually gets easier past noon.

 

- I'm randomly extremely tired during the day, especially after doing a simple chore or eating a full meal. As if I had a very very low energy reserve for the whole day.

 

- I still get some "anxiety flashes" during the day, usually with some sort of thought tied to a memory or focusing on something stressful that is gonna happen (can be as little as a social situation lately... I'm invited to a dinner with my job on july 6th and I'm happy to go but it stresses me out SO much!!! why!!!)

 

- This is the weirdest one and I haven't talked about it yet. Very often, I remember one of the first nights after withdrawal started, which is weird considering it was not a painful symptom (I woke up with full body tremors, no anxiety whatsoever but just tremors). It is so weird, it's literally like my brain considers this particular episode as a trauma, although again, I had way more painful symptoms afterwards (and I was having GI problems and anxiety for a few days already beforehand).

I am familiar with going back and forth to extremely precise memories where something "weird" happened to me, and I can't seem to let go of them, and I have a disproportionate response to them as they stress me although they're gone. This added a new one...

 

- I still have trouble indulging in my hobbies properly. I miss doing yoga, I can't play video games for long, I can hardly concentrate on drawing. I believe this will come back, I have to not let them go completely as to not lose the "habit".

 

- Also: I miss drinking coffee so much. So, so much. But I believe caffeine did not help my case. So, like I am doing rn writing this, I think I will just drink decaffeinated coffee during the day while I recover (or forever!), as it still gives me the coffee taste and ritual that I adore, without caffeine that eventually stresses me.

[Greatful]

Hi Sliderale,  It gives me hope that you are having a slight window. 

 

 I see you mentioned a job.  I thought you were off for the summer? Are you still at your parents.  I don't know how you did it when you were on your own.  

Take care

[siderale]

Hi Greatful! I don't believe in "jixing things" but truth is, today was harder than the two past days. I felt anxious and kind of "emotionally absent" again the whole day, but it's okay, I did have a slight window these past days. It will come back, for me just like for you 😊

 

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

I see you mentioned a job.  I thought you were off for the summer? Are you still at your parents.  I don't know how you did it when you were on your own.  

 

I am mostly done with my academic year at university indeed (though I did not set foot in it for the whole year due to the pandemic! talk about a weird academic year!).

I do have thesis related, research work until september, lots to write and read about, but the classes themselves are done.

 

Thorough the year I had a part-time job as the remote classes on Zoom allowed me to have a more flexible schedule. Said job ends this month, we were a small team and our boss invites us to a restaurant in july. It's very nice, which is why I'm expectant towards myself, I want to feel good!

It was hard to fight withdrawal when I was living on my own indeed. I am 25 but very close to my parents, living with them and not having to worry about cooking is very helpful, as well as helping with the daily chores (it keeps the brain busy!). The first 2 months of withdrawal, I was in my 20 square meters apartment. You can only clean it so often 😆

 

I wish you an easy & peaceful day ♥

[Greatful]

Hi How are you doing?  I thought about you this morning when I went for a walk,  I had some pretty bad nausea,  almost like I could throw up.  I know I don't get it as bad as you.  I have had nausea and low appetite for the last 6 months.  I can eat, but very seldom does anything sound good.  I think I have lost about 15 to 20# I feel like I have the flu the last few day,  been very tired, anxiety in my stomach, depressed and weak.  I wonder if the nausea is part of that.  I usually don't get achy, more weak muscles in the arms and legs.  It's crazy how these WD symptoms affect us all differently.   I hope I get a window soon. 

 

How do you fill your day when you feel awful?  It is so hard not to get caught in the trap  "what am I going to do all day"?

I wish I could nap away the day.

Take Care 

 

[siderale]

Hello @Greatful, thank you for checking up on me! It is true that withdrawal affects us all in so, so many different ways. Each withdrawal is weirdly unique.

  For nausea, I am so sorry you have to suffer through this on top of all the other symptoms. It may be caused by the upset stomach, I often hear that the stomach is the "second brain".   It's so hard when even something as basic as eating is a fight. I can only advise you any kind of "non-solid" food - purée/mashed potatoes, soup, applesauce as a snack... I have found it helps when you don't have to chew.

I don't get aches either but I also have a lot of muscle tiredness much like you, and intense fatigue. Sometimes, taking a short walk helps, or a shower.

  For bad days... When I wake up feeling bad, I try to outright accept that some days it's ok to just "exist" and not be productive whatsoever, but it's not easy to convince oneself of this! I try to vary tasks depending on my energy level: read a bit, watch a documentary video, clean the dust in my room.

I hope these small pieces of advice can maybe give you some ideas. I hope you get to experience a window soon. Relief is around the corner, we will get there, take care of you ☀️

 

As for me, I had a good (not "meh", good!) day until around 3-4PM where I suddenly started feeling very anxious for no apparent reason. Right now it's midnight and I still feel very anxious, I don't really know why. Some days are just like this.

Also, I have a lump in my throat, I sometimes have it since withdrawal started, it's weird because I never experienced it before - and now when I have it I'm just "oh it's one of those withdrawal days". It's not painful or anything, just weird, it's crazy how withdrawal can make you experience stuff you have literally never felt before. One day it's here, the day after it's gone, it's very random.

 

 

[siderale]

Very good points, @WordsinOrbit. Point 6 is especially important, I have noticed that at the beginning of withdrawal I was more "daring" and now that I have a few months of "work" behind me I tend to sometimes go back in my shell, thinking it's more comfortable. Thank you for your words.

 

Yesterday I was horribly anxious, had to take half of a prazepam pill at midday after a long morning; then felt better during the evening (actually had a few hours long window I think).

Today it seems like I am in PMS (this belly pain is unmistakeable lol) could explain the mood swing from yesterday. Last month I got PMS... but I didn't get my period itself, for the first time in my life I naturally "skipped" a cycle (I do not take the pill, used to but years ago), I believe it is because of my insane weight loss. Well, I'll see how it goes for this cycle. But I have seen in a few threads and experiences here on SA that periods & PMS are definitely impacted by withdrawal, so I'm wary!

[Urchinowl]

2 hours ago, siderale said:

But I have seen in a few threads and experiences here on SA that periods & PMS are definitely impacted by withdrawal, so I'm wary!

My period was 3 weeks latest cycle. This cycle I felt myself muccchhh more anxious and also sad and couldn't figure out why until my period came 2 days later. 1000 percent believe it's due to pms. I'm halfway through my period now and feeling a bit more normal. Whatever normal in withdrawal feels like.

 

I'd strongly suggest downloading this app called DARE. They have a bunch of free guided meditations, ways to talk yourself down when experiencing different physical symptoms. It's 100 percent based on people with all types of anxiety. I have found this app the most useful thing EVER and listen to their daily programs on anxiety which are always different. It's all about ACCEPTING your anxiety and actually running towards it instead of away 

[siderale]

Got my 2nd vaccine shot yesterday, and also booked flights that were pending since may of 2020 because of covid, to go see my friend from another EU country. It's huge: it's my first solo plane trip, let alone trip outside of my country. And last year I was so excited, meanwhile this year I'm happy of course because I miss my friend, but I'm so stressed now. I'm wondering how will I be prior to departure? Will I feel the same there, for 20 days, not in my place and maybe feeling so stressed and unstable still? But I know anticipating is suffering twice for something that will most likely go way smoother than I expect.

 

It's been a couple days I feel (felt?) "okay" overall, but I still have a surge of anxiety upon waking up that lasts for a few hours, and sometimes during the day as well. I still feel a bit empty, unable to truly enjoy anything, and tired. It's like I alternate mild-waves and mild-windows during the day. Yesterday I had a panic attack before falling asleep, thankfully exhaustion won over and I slept alright. Today I'm sad (to feel unlike myself) and very very anxious. No big changes whatsoever. It's tiring to live in this state all the time, but I continue moving forwards.

 

I'm still a bit afraid as I *will* have to notice clear improvement by september, because else I will have to reinstate as I absolutely cannot conduct my last academic year in this state. We shall see, there is still a way to go before this!

[Greatful]

@sideraleI am so impressed that you are going to get on a plane and be away from home for 20 days.  You are a very strong woman........She must be a very close friend.  It may actually be good for you to get away and be a distraction.  I assume your friend knows  what you are going through.  I bet she will be a big comfort to you.

Will you be leaving soon?  

 

I am sorry you are feeling sad.  I know how hard it is to stay motivated when you are depressed.  Try not think about this fall. But I know it is easier said than done.....

I  have 2 things in the back of my mind that I am worried about in August.  My niece is getting married and a family trip planned in August with our children.  We are renting some vrbos.  I am having some social anxiety that is associated with ocd. plus all the other symptoms that come and go.  I hate this wd.  I try not to go down that rabbit hole....Worry worry worry.

 

Hang in there.

Remember you are stronger than you think

[Urchinowl]

Girl! This is called COURAGE. Taking action despite fear. Taking action to what your committed to and not allowing the thoughts and physical sensations stop you. This is transformation and its amazing. I suspect you going will create a shift in your emotions and perceptions.

 

Remember to be present as much as possible..many of your statements are very future oriented and anytime we are in future or past we are bound to be anxious or depressed. Even when we're not withdrawing. I recommend reading eckhart tolles "power of now". I've read it before, but reading it after my horrible withdrawal it is taking on a whole different level. I'm experiencing being present now in a way I never had before. Through suffering we can become enlightened.

 

Praying for you and peace for the now.

[siderale]

The pattern of my days is always: I wake up with anxiety + nausea, the latter to a varying degree, sometimes I can eat something, sometimes I can't. This state lasts for a few hours. Past midday, it either continues through the day, or wears off. And I can truly never plan what kind of day it will be. Every day is sort of a "lesson" in the "let go of what you can't control and ride the wave" mindset.

 

@Greatful Ah, it's daunting to say the least! I'm sort of in a wave and it seems so crazy to me. I keep stressing about it. I leave end of july and come back mid-august. Even if I was not in withdrawal, I have never spent 20 full days with someone and I believe past me would NEVER have even thought about it because 3 days were too much already. Though said friend came over France early 2020 before covid, and we spent 2 wonderful weeks together. It allows us both to practice our english, since none of us speak the other's native language! We are very close and she is understanding of my situation, yes.

 

As for you, try to focus on the "now" much like Urchinowl said just below. The stressful situations come and go, and usually go smoother than our worried, sensitive brains imagine. I hope your OCD thoughts will calm down as they for sure don't mix well with any form of anxiety. I'm sure your trip will be alright, and I hope it will allow you to spend a wonderful time with everyone, changing your mind. You are also strong, you've come so far already and you're still walking forwards. Keep it up, Greatful!

 

@Urchinowl Thank you so much for your encouraging words as well!! Ever since I booked the flights I have terrible anxiety, I try to not focus too much on said trip and "how I'll be" because I cannot know for sure, and I'm convinced it'll go smoother than my anxiety expects.

My mother is very melancholic and attached to the past, while I'm nostalgic to an extent but VERY into fearing the future indeed. These past days, my mom and I finally cleared our shelves of old clothes we kept, that took place both physically and...emotionally, you know. It's so hard sometimes to take such "small" decisions, yet it's so liberating once done. I will try to give a look to Tolles' book. Ever since withdrawal started and I've tried to look for ways to cope I've found that indeed it is SO important to focus on the present, let go of what you cannot control, and take decisions day by day. It's a good 'view of life' that I might not have looked into if I hadn't gone through withdrawal.

 

Thursday was an awful day, just full-blown anxiety from morning to night. It prompted me to meditate and go for a jog, nothing helped said anxiety, but at least I wasn't crippled by panic at home. Yesterday was... good! Today... Hard to tell, woke up with terrible anxiety and nausea (that's routine!!!) but I believe it is starting to wear off. So, on to do my things for today. Day by day, friends, remember this. Tomorrow is tomorrow's worry.

Edited June 26, 2021 by siderale
I keep mixing up "through" and "thorough"!

[getofflex]

On 6/24/2021 at 3:19 AM, siderale said:

I'm still a bit afraid as I *will* have to notice clear improvement by september, because else I will have to reinstate as I absolutely cannot conduct my last academic year in this state. We shall see, there is still a way to go before this!

Hello @sideraleit sounds like overall, you are doing OK, in spite of having issues with anxiety and nausea.  I just want to let you know that reinstatement is a crap shoot, and the longer we wait between quitting the drug and reinstating, the less likely it is to work.  (Forgive me if I've already mentioned this, my memory is poor). We generally reserve it for severe cases of withdrawal.  Reinstatement can make a person worse instead of better.  Even in the cases where it works, reinstatement won't necessarily take away the symptoms, it may just make them bearable.  I just wanted you to be aware of this information when considering a reinstatement.  If you are having any improvements overall since you quit the drug, it could be best to stay away from reinstatement.  

[siderale]

Hello @getofflex , happy to see you again. I hope you're alright and that the stabilisation on your current dosage is going well!

You did remind me sometime ago of the fact that reinstatement loses its interest the longer time passes. Do not apologise, it must be tough to keep track of what you say to who, so again, I thank you for checking and always reminding people to weight their decision regarding reinstatement. And I definitely do not want to reinstate, especially since things seem to stabilise no matter how slow. This is just, again, a classic "me" move of projecting months ahead while I don't know how things will be!

 

As for me, still alternating anxiety/anguish and feeling meh or sometimes okay through the days. A good thing is that my anxiety is sort of a "gut feeling" now literally, I don't have crazy fast heartbeat anymore when I have anxiety. Nausea upon waking up always, but it wears off, my appetite has been back for a solid 3 weeks.

 

These past days my health anxiety made a small, but manageable comeback. I am very proud of how much I can deal with my health anxiety now (it is initially a good part of why I took antidepressants), despite all the very very weird withdrawal symptoms. I am reassured that the progress I made with therapy + meds isn't 'annihilated' by withdrawal. I have started taking light phytotherapy pills, they supposedly help with light stress. I'll see how it goes but it's like super super light dosage (valerian root 50mg, passiflora 40mg, black horehound 10mg, hawthorn 10mg; 2-3 times per day). I am aware valerian root can cause dependency but I am confident I will not be subject to it.

 

Yesterday I went on a short hike. When I was back in the car, I felt like crying, because I was so exhausted from such a short hike (even if quite intense!), and I was just all "my energy levels are so low, my physical shape has dropped so low..." But I know this will improve. I think I have to go out and start doing sports/efforts more regularly, little by little, like 5-10 minutes jogging maybe once or twice a week? Because trying to "preserve" what little energy I have doesn't work. I think trying to move a bit would help me. Costs nothing to try, I'll be careful not to overstep my own limits.

[getofflex]

 

29 minutes ago, siderale said:

I am very proud of how much I can deal with my health anxiety now (it is initially a good part of why I took antidepressants),

 

30 minutes ago, siderale said:

now literally, I don't have crazy fast heartbeat anymore when I have anxiety. Nausea upon waking up always, but it wears off, my appetite has been back for a solid 3 weeks.

It sounds like you are improving gradually, in spite of the windows and waves.  This is good!  

 

It's great that you are getting back into exercise.  Just start slowly and carefully, because some of us get destabilized by intense or long exercise periods.  I know I do.  I can handle a walk or short hike, but anything more tends to set my nervous system off.  Exercise tends to cause us to produce adrenaline and cortisol, which activates the nervous system, which can cause anxiety, insomnia, etc.  

 

Keep up the good work - I think you are doing great!  Someday all this will be a think of the past.  

[siderale]

Still unsure if I'm in a wave or a window and since when. It feels like my window(s), if any, are less "clear" than in the first month of withdrawal, but if it's waves they're milder (thankfully). Basically, the "mood swings" are less big when they're bad... but when they're good, too. However that is definitely easier to live with than previous debilitating WD symptoms. I don't know if I can call this an improvement or stabilisation. I hope to see my joyful and hopeful mood come back. It was even there during the first months of withdrawal so I know it's not too far!

 

I still sleep regularly, 7-8 hours per night which is very good, and my sleep schedule is super regular. However when I wake up I always feel tired, as if I had spent a bad night. I also wake up every single day feeling horribly anxious, but it tends to wear off after a couple of hours. What a weird routine to get used to.

During the day, like I said, I have no energy. It's even worse when I don't move so I try to practice dynamic yoga or go for a walk once per day, 30 mins, without overdoing it like you said Getofflex - I definitely don't want my cortisol levels to jump too high.

Sometimes I'm hit by exhaustion (actual fullbody exhaustion, I bet you guys are more than familiar) after doing a simple chore or just eating, and feel like I could take a nap - and I never ever take naps !!!

 

Also, I've had a weird headache since around 1-2 weeks, it hurts next to & above one of my eyes when I glance at a light/sunlight/reflections. I believe it follows a sinus path. I went to the eye doctor (it was a long time planned appointment to renew my glasses) and he said it was common, not concerning and would wear off, but my health anxiety makes me afraid that this + exhaustion means something else. 😟 I mean, it's probably nothing serious. But me being me, any unusual pain (I have stress headaches sometimes but never a pain so precisely localised like the one I currently have) scares me.

 

In less than a month I have to hand back another part of my thesis + I leave for my first solo trip by plane to meet a friend in another EU country. I try not to think about it too much. Gosh, I miss when I was actually excited for such big changes, rather than sickenly anxious!

[Greatful]

@siderale  I am so glad you posted, I have been wondering how you are doing.  I don't want to bug someone all the time.  I also have a really hard time in the morning.  For a little while I was feeling a little better in the late afternoon and evening, then  I got stuck in a wave and horrible anxiety than it turned into depression.. I get discouraged and start down the rabbit hole.  The depression wasn't as dark this time but still very painful.  Do you find that symptoms change a little bit from time to time?  How to have patience and go with the flow🤪

Altostrata had me move my Lex to noon instead of at 5pm.  Maybe that set me into a wave? 

 

I can relate to wanting to get back where you were excited to go out and do things. My husband and I were think about traveling more now that all the kids are out of the house, then this WD came along and now the thought of traveling is not joyful actually depressing that the joy of it is gone.  My husband keeps reminding me that things will get better and I will feel like doing things like I use to.

 

You will have a good time with your friend.  It may not be as busy and do the things you would do if you were feeling well.  But a relaxing vacation with a close friend will be good.  You still have some time before you go.  Things could be that much better.

 

Do you meditate?  I try to do it everyday. I am not real good at it, but I try.  I figure if I do it everyday it is like practicing and I am at least resting for a little while.  I don't have a easy time napping.  Which is a bummer, at least if I could nap the day would go by quicker.

[getofflex]

On 7/4/2021 at 3:52 AM, siderale said:

I don't know if I can call this an improvement or stabilisation.

It sounds like both!  This is very good, it shows that you are definitely healing!  

 

I believe that your joyful mood should come back in time,  In an interview, Altostrata, the founder of this forum, said the negative emotions return to us before the positive emotions do.   

 

Your headache does sound like it could be sinus related.  It is summer, and perhaps you are having an allergy to some pollen.  Not to worry, I believe that the anxiety should temper itself in time.  Our systems heal very gradually.   Keep up the good work!  

[siderale]

Thank you for your reassuring words @getofflex ! I definitely believe you- and looking back, I can also see that although there's still a way to go, this stability is a good sign and I have taken a step in healing. I'm able to do more things outside, appointments or seeing friends, without panicking "inside". Tonight I go to a fancy restaurant with work colleagues (our employer is paying! 😊), tomorrow I see a long-time friend I haven't seen in a good while.

 

As for my weird headache/light sensitivity, I thought about allergies, but I never had any during the summer (and I don't really have other symptoms!). Just in case I booked an appointment to my GP (I'm lucky to be French and have healthcare on this) so if I need to do any exam, I will be able to do it before leaving for my trip at the end of the month. I needed to go to my GP anyways to get a yearly prescription- I have varicose veins problems, during summer it gets awful due to the heat.

 

For my remaining symptoms : I'd say my appetite has been back for 2-3 weeks which is the longest it's been back without interruption (yay!). I still have bouts of nausea when I wake up, this barely changes as I *always* wake up drenched in anxiety, but most of the time I'm able to eat a bit. Still super tired no matter how much I sleep as well.

I also still feel super... neutral, like my emotions are dampened. It's so weird, I have never been an overly smiley person, but this withdrawal made me realise how utterly weird it feels to be literally unable to smile. Crazy stuff.

[siderale]

@Greatful hello there! I hope when you read this you are having a good day - or at least, an okay one!

You are very right that spending time on a vacation, even when you're not at "100%", is very much a break from routine and sometimes, it is what we need.

As for you, maybe moving the time of your medication intake indeed made things move a bit, during withdrawal/taper I believe our brains are so very sensitive to even the slightest changes. I hope this stabilises soon.

 

I try to meditate, yes! It's very recent, I'm still a beginner I'd say so I have to follow guided meditations. But when I manage to follow one I find that it does help. I think it can be a powerful ally in healing. I also think, much like you, that it allows for some sort of "rest" when you cannot nap. So, good luck in practicing, I'm sure it is a very good habit to take. You're doing great work, keep it up Greatful! All steps are good to take!

[getofflex]

On 7/6/2021 at 6:50 AM, siderale said:

I'd say my appetite has been back for 2-3 weeks which is the longest it's been back without interruption (yay!).

That's wonderful!  I'm sorry to hear about the other symptoms.  Hang in there, it takes a very long time for the brain to heal itself, and these other symptoms should fade in time.  It sounds like you are doing well overall.  

[Mascasa]

@siderale @getofflex I am very interested in how you are doing. I am tapering currently. Having the same doubts about things. I am down to 12 mg. Tapered too quickly from 20 mg to 12 mg in about 8 weeks. I know that now from this group.  I would love to be a part of your conversation as I need some support and confidence going through this too.

 

[getofflex]

@Mascasathe best thing to do is find support in your own intro thread.  Thank you. 

[Mascasa]

Thank you. Will do.

[siderale]

Some good news. Be it stabilisation or a window or both, it's been one full week I have very few symptoms I can attribute to withdrawal. My appetite is back, like I said last time, I just get "full" very quickly as I believe my stomach lost a bit of its elasticity as I ate very few for a few months. I went to the restaurant twice last week!

The only problem is that I'm not putting on weight, and I remain WAY too underweight. My GP's a bit concerned and so am I because I am eating almost normally again and barely do any sports, so I don't get it 😟 I have protein supplements to take again. It's disgusting, but necessary lol.

 

The biggest change I noticed the past week is that I wake up with less anxiety, prompting me to start my day "neutrally" rather than consumed by anxiety. This was one of the strongest/most "present" symptoms as it was every single day, so this is big.

I still have very little energy through the day, but it's less bad than it used to. Also sometimes spikes of anxiety, particularly in social settings (I went a LOT out of my comfort zone lately so honestly this is almost normal).

Recently in the evening I get assaulted by some intrusive thoughts/existential dread but for now it's not ruining my days/nights. It's funny how these are mostly gone when I experience strong withdrawal symptoms, but when I get relief from those, the existential dread comes back. Like, hey, you don't need to replace my withdrawal syndrome!!

 

I find myself smiling more. Still feeling off (and weirdly enough I haven't cried in weeks), but it's getting better. I picked back up some of my hobbies - my weird motion sickness playing video games is notably gone. I hope to be able to focus more in the coming days without brain fog, as I have to write another part of my thesis. I have photophobia since 2 weeks too but might be sinusitis... Never had it before. It's quite painful... But I really don't think this is withdrawal.

 

Compared to last month the progress is huge. I stay wary as recovery is a bumpy road but it's relieving.

 

[Jadenatalie]

21 minutes ago, siderale said:

Some good news. Be it stabilisation or a window or both, it's been one full week I have very few symptoms I can attribute to withdrawal. My appetite is back, like I said last time, I just get "full" very quickly as I believe my stomach lost a bit of its elasticity as I ate very few for a few months. I went to the restaurant twice last week!

The only problem is that I'm not putting on weight, and I remain WAY too underweight. My GP's a bit concerned and so am I because I am eating almost normally again and barely do any sports, so I don't get it 😟 I have protein supplements to take again. It's disgusting, but necessary lol.

 

The biggest change I noticed the past week is that I wake up with less anxiety, prompting me to start my day "neutrally" rather than consumed by anxiety. This was one of the strongest/most "present" symptoms as it was every single day, so this is big.

I still have very little energy through the day, but it's less bad than it used to. Also sometimes spikes of anxiety, particularly in social settings (I went a LOT out of my comfort zone lately so honestly this is almost normal).

Recently in the evening I get assaulted by some intrusive thoughts/existential dread but for now it's not ruining my days/nights. It's funny how these are mostly gone when I experience strong withdrawal symptoms, but when I get relief from those, the existential dread comes back. Like, hey, you don't need to replace my withdrawal syndrome!!

 

I find myself smiling more. Still feeling off (and weirdly enough I haven't cried in weeks), but it's getting better. I picked back up some of my hobbies - my weird motion sickness playing video games is notably gone. I hope to be able to focus more in the coming days without brain fog, as I have to write another part of my thesis. I have photophobia since 2 weeks too but might be sinusitis... Never had it before. It's quite painful... But I really don't think this is withdrawal.

 

Compared to last month the progress is huge. I stay wary as recovery is a bumpy road but it's relieving.

 

@sideralethats amazing! well done, keep going.  x

[getofflex]

1 hour ago, siderale said:

Compared to last month the progress is huge

This is wonderful!  I'm very happy to hear of your remarkable recovery @siderale.  Keep up the good work!  

[Erell]

You're a real warrior siderale, enjoy the relief, so well deserved !

Have a good thesis writing, with all my support !

[Greatful]

@siderale  Good job.  A week long window fantastic.  It just shows us all time and patience is need.☺️

 

[siderale]

Thank you all for your sweet words and encouragements, it means so much. ♥

Posting again because today marks 4 months since I stopped my medication!

I'm a bit stressed these past days, mostly health anxiety again, but it will resolve. Stress just happens - withdrawal or not, stress, even with no reason, is a part of life. As long as it doesn't consume me entirely, it's okay.

 

I try to cope with existential dread (it's making a sliiight comeback) with radical acceptance + focusing on the present, as it's only truly the only thing we do experience. Reminiscing or projecting, unless it's associated with good feelings, is suffering twice for something we have no grasp on "currently". It's one of the truest but toughest things to accept and "apply" if I may say, but withdrawal taught me to focus on this mindset, and slowly make it mine.

 

I wish you all a wonderful day or evening. We'll get there!

[siderale]

I think I'm in a wave. The past days have been an emotional rollercoaster of "I'll never feel normal again" and then "I got this", rinse and repeat, although my days were pretty much routine. So at first I thought it was PMS (and maybe it is and/or it worsens my state for sure).

 

Yesterday I was super productive, cleaned around a lot, I was exhausted (in the "good" way). But when night came it was impossible to fall asleep, had my 3rd actual insomnia of this withdrawal. Full-blown health anxiety from 11PM when I went to bed, to 3:30AM. Exactly like why I used to take antidepressants for: my body was refusing to sleep because my brain was sure something was wrong. I have a sinus CT scan on monday due to my weird headaches and I'm terrified of missing something because it's not a full brain CT scan... Classic health anxiety.

Then, anxiety finally wore off (without benzos!) but I just could not fall asleep. I believe I finally fell asleep around 5-6AM, I was hearing the birds, and at 8... construction work in the street! Needless to say I am proper exhausted today. I'll take it slow. I had HUGE bouts of nausea as well, this night and this morning. So to start my day I ate a small fruit and drinking a very sugary herbal infusion. It helps me start the day with a bit of energy when I feel like I cannot eat.

I'll bounce back. I'm already managing much better than the previous insomnias, I feel less terrible, and that is a big improvement.

[Greatful]

@siderale  I am sorry for the set back.  My heart goes out to any.   

 You have a really good attitude and that will get you through the tough times🧡  It will be a short one and you will be back on track.

 

Don't worry about your sinuses. ( I know easy for me to say,  I have my own ocd obsessions)

My head has had issues since day one.  The left side of my face and left eye get numb and/or sore on and off.  The last few days I have been very dizzy and my brain rolls around like a bowling bowl.  I guess I'm a bobblehead.

 

The rollercoaster is tough, sad, angry, feel good, fatigue, nausea and whatever else W/D decides to throw at us🥵

 

Congratulations on the 4 month mark.  You have healed so much from the beginning.  I know you will keep healing.  Our brains are amazing.  It's our thoughts that need to take a step aside.

 

When do you go on your trip?  That will be a much needed distraction🤪

 

[getofflex]

On 7/17/2021 at 4:31 AM, siderale said:

Yesterday I was super productive, cleaned around a lot, I was exhausted (in the "good" way). But when night came it was impossible to fall asleep, had my 3rd actual insomnia of this withdrawal.

It could possibly be that you got overstimulated from doing so much stuff the day before, and then you nervous system was too wound up to sleep.  This happens to me, too, if I'm super active during the day.  Our nervous systems tend to be very sensitive in WD, and this can happen.  I know how hard it is to lay in bed for many hours unable to sleep, because its happened to me many times.  

 

On 7/17/2021 at 4:31 AM, siderale said:

I'll bounce back. I'm already managing much better than the previous insomnias, I feel less terrible, and that is a big improvement

I love your optimistic attitude!  Keep up the good work.  Someday this will be a thing of the past.   

[siderale]

You stated everything, @Greatful! This is indeed the rollercoaster we're on... Let's hope the ride gets easier soon. I hope you're doing alright on your end and you are hanging on.

Thank you so much for always checking up on me, both you and @getofflex. Maybe my CNS was indeed wound up from the day. At this point I know anything can happen when we are so sensitive! I slept well the past nights, so one less thing to worry about 😊

 

I do realise I healed a lot since the beginning. I'm just worried because this past week my OCD - related to many things, family and health - made a slight comeback. As in, it's not actively ruining my days or nights, but I think about it multiple times per day and it causes me more anguish than it did during the beginning of WD. I can still manage, but I am afraid because it now "feels" more like a relapse rather than withdrawal itself. But again, I keep doing my things even if these past days it's just so hard.

 

I have a check-up with my therapist at the end of this month, and another one beginning of september to see how I'm doing. I am happy with my progress, but the setbacks are tough. On this it's the same for everyone I reckon!

And my trip is on the 29th of July, to 19th of August. My stress is building up!! But it'll be a wonderful experience !

 

I know prior to my current state I had 2 weeks of stability which is huge. I still cried a bit these past days because I realised since mid-march, despite windows and their relief, I haven't felt happy for a full day, not a single time. I just want to feel normal again. But I know we're all going through this.

 

[Jadenatalie]

2 hours ago, siderale said:

You stated everything, @Greatful! This is indeed the rollercoaster we're on... Let's hope the ride gets easier soon. I hope you're doing alright on your end and you are hanging on.

Thank you so much for always checking up on me, both you and @getofflex. Maybe my CNS was indeed wound up from the day. At this point I know anything can happen when we are so sensitive! I slept well the past nights, so one less thing to worry about 😊

 

I do realise I healed a lot since the beginning. I'm just worried because this past week my OCD - related to many things, family and health - made a slight comeback. As in, it's not actively ruining my days or nights, but I think about it multiple times per day and it causes me more anguish than it did during the beginning of WD. I can still manage, but I am afraid because it now "feels" more like a relapse rather than withdrawal itself. But again, I keep doing my things even if these past days it's just so hard.

 

I have a check-up with my therapist at the end of this month, and another one beginning of september to see how I'm doing. I am happy with my progress, but the setbacks are tough. On this it's the same for everyone I reckon!

And my trip is on the 29th of July, to 19th of August. My stress is building up!! But it'll be a wonderful experience !

 

I know prior to my current state I had 2 weeks of stability which is huge. I still cried a bit these past days because I realised since mid-march, despite windows and their relief, I haven't felt happy for a full day, not a single time. I just want to feel normal again. But I know we're all going through this.

 

Hey @siderale Good to hear about the sleeping better! It makes all the difference when you can sleep.

 

We are both very early into withdrawal i think and so i wouldnt fully consider yourself in a relapse as the withdrawals are capable of so many horrible things! 

 

Regarding the not feeling happy for a full day since starting withdrawal, im exactly the same. ive had moments of happiness throughout the days but nothing solid and its draining. I also just want to be back to normal  

 

Sending love. 💜

[Greatful]

@siderale 

OCD is quite the animal.  I bought a book called  "Daring to Challenge OCD" by  Joan Davidson.  There are underlying themes  that are common in OCD.  OCD symptoms are associated with certain beliefs and these beliefs center around themes that include perfectionism and intolerance of uncertainty, inflated responsibility and overestimating threat and interpreting thoughts as overly important and believing it's important to control them.

When I started reading it I keep think yes that's me and yes that's me.   She has 3 real stories in the book that the people volunteered for the book, each had a different type of OCD.

 

I can relate to just wanting our life back.🤪 

I can start down the rabbit if I think of it to much.  Sometimes you have to tell yourself I made it through yesterday and I can make it through today and tomorrow will take care of tomorrow❤️

 

Sending encouraging windows your way☺️

[siderale]

Thank you Jadenatalie and Greatful so much for your encouragements. I gotta agree it may sometimes "feel" like a relapse but I think it's still too early on to state so. Greatful, I gave a quick look to the book and it looks interesting.

On 7/20/2021 at 6:11 PM, Greatful said:

Sometimes you have to tell yourself I made it through yesterday and I can make it through today and tomorrow will take care of tomorrow❤️

This really stuck with me the past days. It's very true yet we tend to forget it. I'm especially down this rabbit hole and your words help me focus on the present again. Thank you !!

 

Just a quick update/vent- I had a few very bad days, full-blown anxiety. The anxiety seems to be better since yesterday. However it's been one week my fatigue is super intense - correlates with my period and the heatwave, but this intense fatigue coupled with my lack of activity and my weight still being so low... A vicious circle. I can't manage to put back on weight and my GP is concerned, as I am.

 

I have some breakdowns because I feel so weak although I have my trip in 6 days. I feel like a shadow of myself. I still have my light-induced headache (been there since june 25th) although it's not debilitating it's yet again something "off" with me and it's not going away.  My sinus CT scan came back clear and the scanner operator told me I should run a brain MRI if my headache doesn't go away. So now I'm panicking because I'll be on my trip very soon, and what if I am missing something big? Chances are extremely low, but you guys know how it works with health anxiety... I try to remind myself that no matter what it is, even in the worst case, 3-4 weeks of delay probably wouldn't change much and might as well enjoy my trip.

 

I still have hope that my trip -I will be forced to drive a lot, we planned a road trip- will provide some form of energy boost as it is a huge change of routine, and might be welcome in my case. Because I strongly believe I'm in the case where not going out, not doing anything, is worsening my state but I can't bring myself to do anything with the heat.

 My friend is very understanding and keeps telling me it's okay if we cancel our road trip - I'm the only one having a license - but I still feel so bad. If only I could have travelled last summer. I was so stable and functional. This past week wave makes me, again, afraid of not feeling normal ever again... But I hope tides will change in my favour.