kate1385

[kate1385]

Hi, 

Not sure now is the right time to post as I am still navigating the forum and reading lots of hopeful (and scary) stories, trying to process it all. 

 

I have had a rocky relationship with citalopram. Started in 2013 when I was prescribed it for depression. Was quickly bumped up to 50mg. Started having muscle spasms in my neck and shoulders as well as fits of shaky eyeballs. Decided to come off and followed GP's taper advice (obvs far too quick). Suffered severe dizziness which I instinctively knew was due to the ADs. GP said, no it was not the drugs, it was anxiety. I had never been dizzy with anxiety before so I knew he was wrong. I then had a delayed withdrawal reaction (which I didn't know at the time - thought my 'depression and anxiety' had returned)  and became very unbalanced, distressed, suicidal ideation etc and had to temporarily move back home with my parents for a few weeks before seeing the CMHT and being put BACK on citalopram 30mg by a mental health nurse. He told me I just had a chemical imbalance in my brain (ha! I wonder why..)

Stayed on that from Sep 2014 - Nov 2017 when I tried a slower taper (a few months rather than a few weeks as before) and again noticed the dizziness but it wasn't as bad so thought I could push through. I also was smoking cannabis everyday in an attempt to self medicate. By March 2017 I had diarrhea, nausea, racing intrusive thoughts, waking early with panic, crying, hopelessness, agitation etc and was near to being hospitalised on a couple of occasions. I could not work for 5 months and again had to move home with my parents to look after me because I was unable to look after myself. I had thoughts of self harm and every day was torment. I soon realised that smoking cannabis could be making things worse so I stopped that after a couple of months. However, I still was completely unaware that I was going through withdrawal and so in desperation was put BACK on citalopram in March 2017 on which I stayed until July 2021. I was also given 15mg mirtazapine to help with sleep and appetite since I had lost so much weight from the diarrhea and nausea of the citalopram withdrawal. 

 

Fast forward to today - I tapered down the citalopram over 6 months starting from Jan 2021 and finishing in July 2021, after reading Joseph Glenmullen's 'Coming Off Antidepressants'. It was only after reading this book that I connected the dots and realised my episodes in 2014 and 2017 were AD withdrawal and not a relapse of depression or anxiety. As soon as I finished tapering citalopram to 0 I waited two weeks and then began tapering mirtazapine, getting to 0 by end of Nov 2021. However, by day 5, after recognising I was experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms again (diarrhea, nausea, sleep problems, crying, panicky, racing intrusive thoughts etc) I reinstated it first to 3.5mg for two weeks, and then after a scary day where I thought I needed hospitalisation, panicked and reinstated to 15mg. Knowing what I know now, I wish I had stayed at 3.5mg. I have also realised that I should have waited a while longer to stabilise after coming off of the citalopram before starting to taper mirtazapine, I had been ignoring the warnings my body had been sending me since the summer. 

After coming across this site, I realise that both attempts at tapering were far too fast and too steep. I am probably still in citalopram withdrawal having only tapered for 6 months and stopping in July 2021. Since reinstating mirtazapine my symptoms have eased but I am still experiencing daily crying, sadness, regret, grief, negative thoughts and waking with morning dread. 

 

I want to be off these drugs but I want to do it safely and slowly. I think I will review how I am at the end of March 2022 and then if I'm feeling much better, start a very slow, perhaps 5% taper of mirtazapine. I was using a pill cutter before but that's no good for tiny reductions necessary so will look into some digital scales or learn how to create a liquid. 

 

Thank you for this site, you are all incredible and inspiring. I got scared at first realising how long and painful this journey could still be but the success stories and supportive conversations are keeping me going. I hope I have not come off and on ADs too many times already or messed with the mirtazapine dose too much to cause kindling or extra sensitivities...

 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  Congratulations on getting off of the citalopram!  This is a major accomplishment.  I'm sorry that you were not given better information about how to properly taper off.  I agree with your assessment - that you tapered off the citalopram too quickly, and then did another taper before your system was healed from the citalopram taper.  It's good that you recognize this.  Don't blame yourself - there are very few doctors out there who understand proper tapering techniques.  You have come to the right place - this forum has helped many people get off these drugs successfully.  The keys are time, and patience.  

 

Here is some information about how these drugs actually work.   This explains why we get symptoms from going off of these medications, and why it's so important to taper slowly and carefully, and be very cautious about changing our doses: 

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

What is Happening in Your Brain

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Tapering is best done extremely slowly, and we generally taper by 10% of the current dose no more than once every 4 weeks, so that the taper becomes exponentially smaller.  You may even want to taper off at 5% per month instead.  The other option is to micro taper.  When you are ready to taper the mirtazapine, the links below will explain how to do that: 

 

 Why Taper by 10% of my Dosage  

 

Brass Monkey Slide Method of Micro Tapering

 

Tips for Tapering Mirtazapine

 

 

Also, as we are recovering, we suggest keeping things slow, simple, and stable. 

 

Keep it Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms: 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

 

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

I've given you quite a bit of information here.  Please read through it, and mull it over, and we will take it from there. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and take heart.  We in this forum have been through this, and we understand first hand the pain and discomfort you are going through.  Please know that the brain is amazing in it's healing abilities.  It takes time, but healing can and will happen. 

[kate1385]

Hi getofflex,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your reply with all the helpful links and advice.

 

I am definitely experiencing the windows and waves pattern and hope that I will soon stabilise from the citalopram withdrawal although I understand this can take quite some time. I am trying to not get too bogged down with the negative thoughts and remind myself that they are mostly due to withdrawal, however challenging. 
 

It is disheartening that I’ve had to reinstate the Mirtazipine as it would be more comforting to know that once I stabilise I am free, but I have to accept I am only halfway to being free, that there is a longer road ahead, and I will have to go through the process again to get off the Mirtazipine at some point in the (hopefully not too distant) future. At least I’m down to one AD from two! And the Mirtazipine taper, when it does happen, will be much slower and more gradual. 
 

I am meditating every day, trying to get outside and engaging with people and activities. Every morning it feels as though I have to start from scratch, although some days are better than others. 
I’m reading the success stories for positivity, as well as tips and ideas for coping! 

Thanks again  

 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

7 hours ago, kate1385 said:

I am trying to not get too bogged down with the negative thoughts and remind myself that they are mostly due to withdrawal, however challenging. 

This is very good!  You have a strong attitude.  Here is a technique to help with negative thoughts: 

 

APPLE Technique

 

I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

 

7 hours ago, kate1385 said:

It is disheartening that I’ve had to reinstate the Mirtazipine as it would be more comforting to know that once I stabilise I am free, but I have to accept I am only halfway to being free, that there is a longer road ahead, and I will have to go through the process again to get off the Mirtazipine at some point in the (hopefully not too distant) future.

The good news is, now that you are in the forum, you will know how to taper off very slowly and carefully, and don't have to go through the severe withdrawal symptoms.  It should be much easier this time around.  

 

It sounds like you have some very good coping techniques in place.  Keep up the good work!  This, too, shall pass.  The beauty of this is, that going through this ordeal with help you to develop a deep inner strength that will serve you well in the future.  

[kate1385]

Thank you for sharing the APPLE technique and for your words of encouragement. 

Here’s a poem that I find comforting, and have just realised it can be applied to the context of AD withdrawal!…

 

 

Time to be slow

 

This is the time to be slow,

Lie low to the wall

Until the bitter weather passes.

 

Try, as best you can, not to let

The wire brush of doubt 

Scrape from your heart 

All sense of yourself 

And your hesitant light.

 

If you remain generous,

Time will come good; 

And you will find your feet

Again on fresh pastures of promise,

Where the air will be kind 

And blushed with beginning. 

 

John O’Donohue

[getofflex]

Thank you for the poem, @kate1385.  I love the optimism at the end.  It's true, we will again find ourselves in pastures of promise.  

[kate1385]

Just thought I'd give an update on how I'm doing. 

 

It's been 5 weeks since I reinstated my original dose of Mirtazipine 15mg following a too fast taper over 4 months (which I attempted only two weeks after finishing a fast Citalopram taper from 30mg over 7 months). It's now been 6 months since stopping Citalopram completely which I am very grateful for, as this is my third attempt at staying off it. 

I've noticed that my sleep has become increasingly disrupted and I wake through the night, tossing and turning and then finally wake up in the morning with cortisol and anxiety. This is a fairly recent occurance and it seems strange that my sleep hasn't been too badly affected until now, the 6 month mark. 

In those moments between being fully awake and still half asleep, I find it challenging to know how to respond to my racing, anxious thoughts. Do I battle them, challenge them, accept them, give in to them, push them away, force positive thoughts in their place, listen to them etc etc! Quite exhausting. 

I meditate for 15 minutes every morning using the Headspace app and find this helps to calm the mind. 

 

Throughout an average day there may be some windows of joy and optimism, some dark moments of anguish and despair, some floods of tears and then a welcome feeling of numbness afterwards. There may be lots of regret, shame and sadness, or intrusive, repetitive thoughts, going over past traumas and losses. 

Some days will be better than others and I won't cry or feel too low. I have had a few runs of two or three days of a constant window, where I am nearly feeling 'normal', or at least where it feels as though the veil has been lifted and I can see the other side.  However, soon enough I find myself back in a wave. I am very sensitive and can be triggered easily from feeling OK and optimistic to breaking down in floods of tears.

 

I am a 36 year old single woman and find myself regularly feeling deep sadness and regret that I do not have a loving, supportive partner by my side or a family of my own. Before withdrawal I was not conscious of feeling like this and enjoyed my freedom. It's very confusing to know what are real feelings and what's not. 

 

I'm hoping that as winter gives way to spring and I learn more about what helps me feel better and what exacerbates things, I will continue to recover from the Citalopram taper. I have no idea if things will get worse for a while first or whether I am coming through the worst of it now. I hope it's the latter. 

I think my main challenge is anxiety and I've taken some steps to reduce that by cutting out caffeine and alcohol, making small plans for the future helps as does hugs from my parents, catching up with friends, going on day trips, watching TV, playing sports, doing manual or household chores, I've even gone to church a couple of times and found that soothing even though I am not religious. 

 

A bit about my current situation;  I am self employed in the creative industry so work is irregular and often has long, quiet periods, I enjoy it when it comes but it is not enough to make a decent living from alone. Therefore, in between the sporadic working I have been studying at home for a degree with a distance learning institution. Home is currently my childhood home where I have been living with my parents since the start of the COVID pandemic. Last year I was studying full time but this year, I have had to drop it down to part time due to struggling with withdrawal. I'm even finding part time challenging right now due to brain fog and trouble focusing. I've been in two minds as to whether to put study on hold while I get better and then pick it up when once I am improved. For now I am trying to persevere in the hope it may be helping my brain to recover! I have also been thinking about trying to get a part time job as I think it could give me a boost. I want to help others and am looking into community care work. 

 

Much love and hugs to everyone

 

 

 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

On 1/2/2022 at 5:21 AM, kate1385 said:

In those moments between being fully awake and still half asleep, I find it challenging to know how to respond to my racing, anxious thoughts. Do I battle them, challenge them, accept them, give in to them, push them away, force positive thoughts in their place, listen to them etc etc!

If it were me, I would try to ignore them.  They are probably the result of your nervous system in withdrawal.  Here is a technique to help with thoughts like these. 

 

APPLE Technique

 

I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

 

You might try listening to very relaxing music at a very low volume at night.  I did this 2.5 years ago, and it really helped me.  There is a harp playlist on Spotify called "Harp Music" by Karen Kauer.  I find that very healing.  It's a 16 1/2 hour playlist, so you can leave it play all night.  

 

On 1/2/2022 at 5:21 AM, kate1385 said:

Throughout an average day there may be some windows of joy and optimism, some dark moments of anguish and despair, some floods of tears and then a welcome feeling of numbness afterwards. There may be lots of regret, shame and sadness, or intrusive, repetitive thoughts, going over past traumas and losses

Ah, this sounds very familiar.  I have gone through the very same thing myself.  I understand about going over past traumas and losses.  I believe that the tears should help with that.  I think that crying is very cathartic, at least for me, it is.  It helps us process grief.  

 

On 1/2/2022 at 5:21 AM, kate1385 said:

I am a 36 year old single woman and find myself regularly feeling deep sadness and regret that I do not have a loving, supportive partner by my side or a family of my own. Before withdrawal I was not conscious of feeling like this and enjoyed my freedom. It's very confusing to know what are real feelings and what's not.

This is perfectly understandable.  You may be feeling a mixture of both real feelings, and neuro emotions.  Here is a link about neuro emotions.  As time goes on, this will slowly settle down, and you'll be more able to determine your real feelings.  

 

Neuro-Emotions

 

On 1/2/2022 at 5:21 AM, kate1385 said:

I think my main challenge is anxiety and I've taken some steps to reduce that by cutting out caffeine and alcohol, making small plans for the future helps as does hugs from my parents, catching up with friends, going on day trips, watching TV, playing sports, doing manual or household chores, I've even gone to church a couple of times and found that soothing even though I am not religious. 

 

It sounds like you have some good non drug techniques and some good support!  Excellent.  I think you are going to be just fine!  The keys to recovering from this are time and patience.  

 

Here are the success stories.  Try reading these - they will help you feel more optimistic.  

 

Success Stories

[kate1385]

Thanks @getofflex, I have been reading some of the success stories and have copied and pasted inspiring passages into a document on my laptop home screen called HOPE. I open it and read it whenever I'm consumed with negative thoughts or worries and it calms me down and has even once completely turned my day around from a wave into a window. 

 

I have noticed a few new symptoms too - muscle weakness and numbness in my arms and muscle twitching, again in my arms.

 

I smile and sigh and my younger self for thinking I could try antidepressants for a bit and come off them whenever I fancied without any repercussions. I didn't know then that they change the structure of the brain in profound ways and therefore it would take a while for the brain to reset afterwards. Of course, it's none of our faults that we didn't have this information beforehand in order to make an informed decision! 

 

Also, I  was speaking to a friend the other day who is an ex heroin addict and she was saying how much government funded social support is in place for people who want to come off hard drugs - she had a support worker, somewhere to live while getting clean, support groups, programmes, state financial assistance and eventually got her own council flat. I told her all about trying to get off antidepressants, withdrawal and this incredible support site run by psychiatric drug survivors themselves and we marveled at the contrast in available support. We also noted that withdrawal from hard drugs (as hellish as it is) only lasts a few weeks whereas for us it can last years. 

 

Thanks again getofflex for your continued engagement with my posts - it's good to know someone out there sees them!

On that note I wonder if I could changed my subject to something that's a bit more descriptive than just my username? I may reach a few more people. Do you know if it's possible to do that and how it could be done?

 

 

 

 

 

[kate1385]

Just another update - really struggling at the moment. 

I am absolutely gutted that I reinstated the full dose of 15mg mirtazapine at the end of November instead of holding it at 3.75mg  

Not sure if it's withdrawal talking but it feels like I'm hurting myself every night when I swallow the whole tablet. 

I keep telling myself I didn't know what I know now as I hadn't found this site so I must not blame myself for that choice as I thought it was right at the time. 

It feels like the windows are disappearing and everyday is a struggle to function. Praying that I stabilize soon so that I can start reducing the dose as I think I will feel so much better once I can start weaning off, just knowing that it's slowly leaving me. However, I think the correct thing to do is to keep taking the full dose until I stabilize right? Stupid question probably! Right now it feels as though I'm going backwards not forwards and I'm struggling to accept what I've done to myself unwittingly. 

[Blossom71]

Oh Kate

 

I’m not qualified or experienced enough to help with whether you should stay on the full dose or not but I wanted to ask you not to blame yourself.  You’re in this position because you were weren’t given all the information you needed when you started on the drugs in the first place. It’s not your fault.  

 

I’m so sorry things are tough for you right now x

[kate1385]

Hi @Blossom71

 

Thank you for your comforting response.
 

I’m really trying not to blame myself and to accept the situation as it is but it’s hard. Especially as these thoughts are loud and intrusive. I’m sure they’ll soften over time though.

 

It really helped to hear from you so thank you again.

 

 

[kate1385]

Does anyone with more experience have an opinion on whether they think I should stay on the reinstated full dose of Mirtazipine and wait to stabilise or whether it may be causing more harm and so to begin slowly tapering? 
 

Thanks in advance 

[Bestill]

I don’t have any experience but I am tapering off Mirtazapine myself so if you ever need a mirt buddy.  Hoping you get some relief soon.  

[kate1385]

Hi @Bestill

 

Thanks for your comment and it’s great to hear from another Mirtazipine survivor! Good luck with your tapering program. 

How are you getting on?

I decided to stay as I am for now until I stabilise. Have had a couple of days in a lovely window so know it’s possible.

 

Sending you hope and warmth

 

[Bestill]

Well, I’m right where you are with the 10.79. Plan on decreasing on Monday by another 2.5%.  I feel it but haven’t stopped being a mom or missed a day of work.  It definitely isn’t something I want to be doing but here I am.  Withdrawals are gone but I have side effects that I pray go away when I get lower.  It’s the air hunger and awful upper back muscle pain.  I swear they play hand in hand with each other.  I just had any cycle too and boy was that NOT fun.  Did you find it messed with your cycle?
 

Keep in touch when you are ready for your next drop.  I’m happy to hear the windows for you.  Enjoy them!!!

[Bestill]

And I just realized I looked at my own taper history thinking it was yours.  🥴. Sometimes I’m a little out of it.  😁

[kate1385]

@BestillI was a little confused! Easily done I’m sure.

 

That’s great that you haven’t missed work and can still be a mum, congratulations! 

I’m not sure what you mean by air hunger - some days I find myself taking involuntary deep breaths - is that the same thing? 
No, I’ve not noticed anything strange with my cycle. 

I can’t tell whether what I’m experiencing is citalopram withdrawal from stopping that in July or the effects of stopping and reinstating mirt in November. Probably a bit of both! 
The worse symptoms for me are mental ones; anxiety, depression, rumination, obsessing, crying and then physical cortisol spikes on waking. 
Hoping these will gradually soften with time. Windows are short; a day or half-day here and there but they do seem to occur every week or so.

 

Do you feel better for being on a lesser dose? 
 

[Bestill]

Your body is trying to find balance and it will.  
My air hunger is needing to take a deep breath and not getting it and when I do, the cycle starts over.  I have been feeling it since the first time I tried to cut and it was too much and then I went back to my original dose.  That was the end of Oct and hasn’t lifted.  I also get the anxiety, crying just because.  Yesterday, I was just mad at everyone.  Sometimes I feel sorry for myself for all the changes I have made for the better for my health and lifestyle and I see no lifting of anything.  But a lot of times I can stay positive and know this isn’t forever and this isn’t the way God intended me to be.  

I got the cortisol spikes with the withdrawal that lasted for a few days.  
I don’t feel better from decreasing yet, but I know I will.  I 100% believe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m still in the start of this “adventure”.  I used to be the person always on the go, never taking a break.  I was a fitness instructor (taking a pause). I believe there is a lesson in all of this.  I need to learn to slow down and I have.  It’s been hard to accept, but I’m there.

it is very helpful for me to be corresponding with people like yourself.  It helps to stay strong and carry on.  I’m not alone in this journey and I’m grateful for all of you.

[kate1385]

@Bestill 

Yes, talking to others in the same situation is so helpful.

I believe you’re right, that there are lessons in all of this. 




 

[kate1385]

Just a quick update - I have a doctors appointment booked for tomorrow. I may reluctantly reinstate citalopram which I stopped taking in July last year. 

I'm scared that it'll make me worse but I am struggling so much. I've had to put my degree on hold, I am struggling to keep my job, I am breaking down in floods of tears everyday, waking up early every morning with cortisol and negative, racing thoughts. 

I wish I hadn't had reinstated mirtazapine at the full dose in November and am torturing myself because of this. But I hadn't found this site and I didn't know. 

I want to start again from scratch, be on both meds again at where I was before I started my misguided tapering, feel better, get my life back, put good coping strategies in place and THEN start tapering with the SA method of 5/10% reductions. 

Maybe this is a crazy idea but I'm seriously considering it...

[Bestill]

Keep us updated on your appt.  You do what’s best for you.  ❤️

[kate1385]

Thank you @Bestill for showing an interest ❤️

 

The doc prescribed me 10mg Citalopram and 20mg Propronalol BUT I have decided I’m not going to take them unless things get really really hairy. I’m determined to not add more chemicals to the mix if I can!

So I'm going to stick to my original plan for now, that is wait to stabilise on the Mirtazipine and then slowly taper it. I’ve had two good days so I’m going to try hard everyday to create a window for myself by ramping up the meditation, positive activities and social contact.

 

How are you getting on? X 

[Bestill]

That’s a great idea and just having it there there is some kind of relief in my opinion.  2 good days is a sign of good things to come.    Sometimes we just need time even if it seems like forever.  If it’s anything I have learned is that your body will eventually calm down.
 

I decreased again on Monday.  Waking up early, 5 am yesterday and this morn I was tossing around from 3-6 am.  Doesn’t bother me too much as I’m up a lot with a kiddo coming into my room in the middle of the night.

 

im a bit dizzy today but I’m ok.  I cant imagine going cold turkey or tapering too fast.  Withdrawals usually hit at the end of day 4 to day 5 and I’m still trying to figure out how long they last.   Once I get into a groove, there should be a pattern.

 

I have been doing a lot of yin and restorative yoga.  Anything more and it hits me the next day.  It’s a bummer but I know in time I will be back to moving more.  

Do you journal? I like to do it to look back to see how far I’ve come.  Sometimes it feels like we go backwards and that’s not necessarily the case.

 

How are you feeling so far today?

[kate1385]

@Bestill, yes definitely, it’s reassuring just to have it there but is also a motivation to do everything I can in my power to feel better so that I don’t have to touch it! 
 

Are you doing a liquid taper or a pill cutting/crushing taper?

I’m doing some research on digital scales and think I’ll go down that route as the liquid tapering confuses me! 
 

Will you wait until you stabilise from your withdrawal symptoms before reducing again? When I did my too-fast taper last year I was ignoring all the warning signs my body was sending me and have learnt a hard lesson from it. I was in a rush to stop but next time I don’t care if it takes years!

 

Yoga sounds good - do you go to a class or do it at home? 
I play doubles tennis once or twice a week which doesn’t seem to cause any issues, at least I haven’t noticed if it does!

Yes, I’m journaling on and off, it helps sometimes but other times can make me feel worse if I’m writing down lots of anxious and depressive thoughts!

I’ve been keeping a daily symptom diary though which I can look back at and see my good days. You’re right, it’s easy to feel as though things are getting worse when actually they’re not.

 

Today I’m feeling pretty good thanks! Occasionally getting some intrusive thoughts that pull me back to the past but trying to focus on my breath and stay present when that happens.

 

Have just received a book I ordered by Tara Brach, have you heard of her? She’s a clinical psychologist and Buddhist teacher. 
Recently discovered her and really enjoy listening to her podcast and YouTube talks; very soothing.

 

I hope you have a good rest of the day and be gentle with yourself.

 

Xx 

 

 

[Bestill]

I’m sorry for the thoughts that pop up.  That can’t be fun.  Not knowing what you went through to have them, I hope you are able to heal.

 

I can cutting and weighing.  Prob won’t do a liquid.  I know some say it’s easy but I feel that cutting and filing the pill down with a nail file works for me.  
 

I am definitely seeing how my body reacts with each decrease.  I’m not following a calendar by any means.  This is my third decrease thus far.  I weighed my starting dose after I started cutting and I think I was taking a little more than the 11.25.  So I feel like I had cut at least 6%-7% instead of the 3.5%.  Needless to say, I felt it.  I waited 3 weeks before I began my next taper.  
 

As much as it’s a bummer for taking our time.  I don’t want to be couch bound.  I was only on them for 6 months too.  Oh well, we live and we learn.

 

As for yoga.  I do an app.  It’s called inner dimension tv.  It’s absolutely fabulous and I highly recommend it.

 

glad you are doing a bit better.

[kate1385]

Hi everyone, 

 

With the advice of my doctor and support of my family, I reluctantly reinstated 10mg of citalopram on Saturday due to the intense emotional and mental distress I was in, thoughts of not wanting to be here, and the strain it was putting on my close relationships. I intend to stay at 10mg and not go higher than this. 

 

My goal is to piece my life back together and then, once better, to gradually come of the ADs next time using the SA method. I will take it extremely slowly next time, 5% reductions if I have to. I don't care if it takes years. 

 

Thanks for all your support and kindness and I hope to be back soon.

 

In the meantime, take gentle care of yourselves and I wish you all happiness and success on your journeys.

 

Kate

[Bestill]

@kate1385 You gotta do what works for you!  When you are ready, we will all be cheering you on!

[kate1385]

@Bestill, thank you! I hope to still check in here regularly and do the same for you guys!

[JesusSavemefromWD]

I pray RI works for you. Please let us know 

[kate1385]

@JesusSavemefromWDthank you.

 

It’s only been 3 days but almost instantly have felt better (which is a relief but weirdly concerning). No longer breaking down in floods of tears throughout the day and being bullied by constant thoughts of past regret and future doom. 
I really resent being dependent on these numbing chemicals and look forward to when I can start tapering again safely. 

Hoping you’re ok today  

[JesusSavemefromWD]

47 minutes ago, kate1385 said:

@JesusSavemefromWDthank you.

 

It’s only been 3 days but almost instantly have felt better (which is a relief but weirdly concerning). No longer breaking down in floods of tears throughout the day and being bullied by constant thoughts of past regret and future doom. 
I really resent being dependent on these numbing chemicals and look forward to when I can start tapering again safely. 

Hoping you’re ok today  

I think this is very encouraging and you should think positive instead of torturing urself with thoughts of how these positive reaction can turn into negative. I ve read other people who had relief within hours of RI. I hate these chemicals as well, but if I knew I d have a positive reaction to RI I would take it to get my life back instead of being a bedridden vegetable….  Please keep updating, I am really happy four you; you can tapper very slowly once u stabilize. 

[kate1385]

@JesusSavemefromWD yes, you’re right, I must choose to focus on the positives! 
 

I’m really sorry that you find yourself in such an uncomfortable situation. I hope that you can heal soon and find relief.

 

Take care 

[Jools44]

@kate1385 just wanted to say I too had a drug mess up, came off the mirt too fast and didn't listen to the warning signs my body was telling me. Ended up-dosing by far too much and then dropped the dose by 30% when I realised my error.... Which only led to horrible WDs. I too have chastised myself over these mistakes, especially as its taking so long to recover from them.

Pleased to hear your citalopram reinstatement has worked. Now you can get some semblance of normality back and then start a slow taper. 

[kate1385]

Hi @Jools44lovely to hear from you, thanks for taking the time to comment.

 

I’m sorry to hear about your mirt mess up! At least you know where you went wrong. We are so fortunate we are in this forum and have access to the true state of affairs when it comes to these drugs! So many people are on their own, in the dark, not having a clue  what’s going on and 100% trusting their doctors! 

The reinstatement of Mirtazipine didn’t seem to help me at all and may have even made things worse but as soon as I reinstated citalopram;

boom! Better. Sticking with the mirt too for now though as don’t want to make any more changes for a while. So grateful that I’m more stable and functioning better. 

 
It’s so easy to beat ourselves up over our mistakes but everything we’ve done is to try and make ourselves well. Self compassion is key!

Are you on a long hold since September last year?

[Jools44]

@kate1385 yes on a long hold and no plans to drop any time soon as still not 100% but slowly getting there i think.

 

I'm really not sure what to do if I'm honest as I've been on the drug for 10 years so I suspect coming off is going to be very difficult and not sure I can face it, but I'm taking a break from tapering until I am in a more stable place. 

 

That's great that the citalopram has kicked in again and now you're in a better and more knowledgeable place from which to taper when you're happy to. 

 

I dearly wish I'd never visited the doctor 10 years ago and just dealt with my issues another way but nothing I can do about that now, just got to get on with things as they are!