jonah2001: last dose duloxetine 6 1/2 month ago

[KenA]

1 minute ago, jonah2001 said:

@KenA My waves and windows are chaning within hours..... 2 1/2 half hours ago i felt great........ now back to 0..

And thats how it is for month now. up down....... every view hours.. no stabilitly.. live is ruined´..... bullsh*t

 

Yep, thats how it goes sometimes, healing in action. It sucks and some days all you can do is hang on for dear life. If i were you, id do something to break the thoughts you are having right now. Go for a long walk if you can, take a hot or cold shower, blare some music. Take your shoes off and go stand outside. Ground yourself. Distraction helps so much. Find something, anything to pass the time, until the wave passes. You've got this!!! Life is not ruined. Just a temporary blip on the radar. At 22 you have your whole life ahead of you! I was 39 when I started this journey, and I made it. So will you!

[KenA]

Seems like fast cycling to me. I went through it and survived it! So will you

[jonah2001]

when did you had that stage ?? @ KenA

 

Thank you for your answer

[jonah2001]

@KenA Thank you so much for your answer.. these neuro_emotions are unpredictable. and you never know when they will hit again...

 

[KenA]

5 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

when did you had that stage ?? @ KenA

 

Thank you for your answer

It would vary, but it was more toward the later stages. It would come and go. Just remember, the harder the symptoms, the more healing taking place!! Focus on the positive!

[jonah2001]

My situation is like this: I have many days, where it's not great but managble. Than at least every 2 days hours where i feel wunderfull. 

And than every 1-2 days some hours where it peaks.

 

But It's so frustrating, when you feel amazing. Like your good old self. Only to feel worse a couple of hours later.. 

You know, how it is to feel normal.. Only to get smaked down again..

 

@KenA

[KenA]

4 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

@KenA Thank you so much for your answer.. these neuro_emotions are unpredictable. and you never know when they will hit again...

 

Hang in there. I know its hard, but youve got this! You have survived 100 percent of these days and today will be no different

[KenA]

1 minute ago, jonah2001 said:

My situation is like this: I have many days, where it's not great but managble. Than at least every 2 days hours where i feel wunderfull. 

And than every 1-2 days some hours where it peaks.

 

But It's so frustrating, when you feel amazing. Like your good old self. Only to feel worse a couple of hours later.. 

You know, how it is to feel normal.. Only to get smaked down again..

 

@KenA

I remember that very well. Its just a part of the healing feeling wonderful is your future. Focus on that

[jonah2001]

@KenA Thank you so much for your answer!!!

I am going through this now for so long.. and i get frustrated now.. I met a girl i realy like. i want to spend time with her.. But man.. this WD bullsh*t prevents me from really living!!

It's like i can grap my future now so often.. because those windows come almost every day.. but then it gets down again...

 

[KenA]

Just now, jonah2001 said:

@KenA Thank you so much for your answer!!!

I am going through this now for so long.. and i get frustrated now.. I met a girl i realy like. i want to spend time with her.. But man.. this WD bullsh*t prevents me from really living!!

It's like i can grap my future now so often.. because those windows come almost every day.. but then it gets down again...

 

I know, i get it, I promise I do. Remember that all this is temporary. You are having to hunker down and survive right now, but its not always going to be like this. One day you will be well again. Just keep taking it one day at a time till you get there! I wish this was a quick process and we could all heal quickly but sadly thats not reality. It takes time to heal but it WILL Happen!! And if this girl truly likes you, she will be patient and understanding with what you are going through. And if not oh well. The right one will come along when the timing is right

[jonah2001]

@KenA I want to live now.. this crap, it just prevents me from living a normal live.. 

 

Man i want to study now, my goals and dreams.. i met this wunderfull girl.. But i can't go into a real relation ship.. because my mind is so unstable.. have a wunderfull day.. Write her: "Hey, let's met at this day".. The day comes: Ohh buddy, you will feel like crap!!

 

Yes, i learned to deal with this.. but i don't want it anymore. i want to live now.

 

So many goals, dreams...

 

It has to settle down more.. 

 

Yes i made amazing progress the last 6 weeks.. but still now enaugh..

 

[jonah2001]

@KenA Yes, thank you for your wundervoll words!  

Yes, i have to patient.. but I just want it now. I am like a 3 year old kid on X-mas, waiting for the presents.

 

But the windows are so extremly sweet!! The are so so so so so good. It's driving me carzy when they end..

 

[KenA]

Just now, jonah2001 said:

@KenA Yes, thank you for your wundervoll words!  

Yes, i have to patient.. but I just want it now. I am like a 3 year old kid on X-mas, waiting for the presents.

 

But the windows are so extremly sweet!! The are so so so so so good. It's driving me carzy when they end..

 

I know lol. We live in a world where we are used to instant gratification. We are used to getting what we want when we want it. And sadly that's not how this works. It took me a long time to realize that this was a long term process and I couldnt have it my way no matter how mad or sad I got. Once you start seeing the long point of view it will help you. My patience has increased exponentially since this whole process

[KenA]

6 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

@KenA I want to live now.. this crap, it just prevents me from living a normal live.. 

 

Man i want to study now, my goals and dreams.. i met this wunderfull girl.. But i can't go into a real relation ship.. because my mind is so unstable.. have a wunderfull day.. Write her: "Hey, let's met at this day".. The day comes: Ohh buddy, you will feel like crap!!

 

Yes, i learned to deal with this.. but i don't want it anymore. i want to live now.

 

So many goals, dreams...

 

It has to settle down more.. 

 

Yes i made amazing progress the last 6 weeks.. but still now enaugh..

 

Focus on the progress youve made that is your future

[jonah2001]

@KenA Ohh, yes. I am also incredible more patient. 

To be honest, i know exactly how this process works. I see it in the long term.. And i see that i improved extremely in the last 4 month. 

 

It just drives me crazy, knowing how wonderful live could be.. this wonderful girl.. and all i can do is wait, wait, wait and wait.

It feel like i am missing so much of my life.. because of that bullsh*t! 

 

Most of the day's i accept it.

 

But sometimes it's just enough.  especially when the windows are so good. I can taste the future.

 

I can cry, scream, shout and punch against the wall. It doesn't change anything. 

 

Time, time and more time

 

 

[KenA]

6 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

@KenA Ohh, yes. I am also incredible more patient. 

To be honest, i know exactly how this process works. I see it in the long term.. And i see that i improved extremely in the last 4 month. 

 

It just drives me crazy, knowing how wonderful live could be.. this wonderful girl.. and all i can do is wait, wait, wait and wait.

It feel like i am missing so much of my life.. because of that bullsh*t! 

 

Most of the day's i accept it.

 

But sometimes it's just enough.  especially when the windows are so good. I can taste the future.

 

I can cry, scream, shout and punch against the wall. It doesn't change anything. 

 

Time, time and more time

 

 

That's exactly it my friend! Time, time and more time. That's it exactly Acceptance is key Once you get that down pat, you are good to go Keep focusing on the improvements you have seen. And when you feel down like today, remind yourself how much better you are now compared to 6 months or even a year ago. I promise you will still see the improvements!! Always focus on those!! At 22 years my friend you have such a wonderful future ahead of you. That future is within reach. And one day you will grasp ahold of it and never let go. Till then just take it day by day and do the best you can!! That's all any of us can do

 

You've got this my friend.

Ken

[Altostrata]

9 hours ago, jonah2001 said:

@eileen1111 When you are a victim like me. Be prepared for a decade long journey of suffering. I don't know, why i am going through this. My live is ruined. Everyday suffering. Still have everyday horrible mental symptoms. Can feel good 2 hours. Only to feel terrible 2 hours later. there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 8 month out i was terrible. Now 15 month out i am 1-2% better. 

 

It will last years!!

 

 

@jonah2001 be kind to other members! This is one of our community rules.

[jonah2001]

@KenA Thank you for your wonderful answers! 

 

@eileen1111 It's not that bad as i wrote! I was just caught in a Neuro-Emotion. Had a pretty good day today!! It will get better and better. Just need's a long time! 

 

[jonah2001]

Day: 452. 

Today the Depression hit me again. This morning it was so painful, i curled up in my bad. Now i am just sad. Didn't hat that for a longer time. Last week i had some great windows. Most of the hours i feel not good, but also not terrible. What is incredible frustrating, is that every day is completely different.

On the other hand i am dealing with other physical symptoms like muscle cramps an burning skin. The muscle cramps are incredible annoying.

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @jonah2001 What does the spell of "depression" feel like? Do any thought precede these bouts?

 

Otherwise, it sounds like you are very slowly recovering. Symptoms come in waves, change, and gradually fade. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

[jonah2001]

@Altostrata Hello, it's just random madness. But the thoughts aren't a problem. The feelings, which are hurting are the problem. 

It's terrible painful. 

 

But yes, i'm recovering. It's just not a linear process. It's more like the waves get longer and better and the waves are getting shorter. In my case i can experience everything in one day.

The terrible times are happening less often (7%, September, compared to 48% in May). The "not terrible/not good" times more often( 64% September, compared to 20% in May)... and so on.. 

 

I guess i need a good 6-12 month more to start living again like a normal human being.

 

Just day by day.. It's terrible and unfair.. but it is how it is.. 

 

Now, i am just waiting, until it's stable enough to start working again. To burn even more time. But when it get's better, i will be able to burn more time without me thinking about my symptoms all day long.. until they are gone.

 

But that will take some time...

[jonah2001]

Day: 453.

 

Yesterday, the day was wave and window. I didn't felt good the first 5-6 hours of the day. Than a window came, and i was able to do something. The window was the whole evening like 5-7 hours. Than i recognized, that something came back again. And that was the next wave, that peaked this morning. Probably it will get better this evening. It's all the time this pattern. But the windows are getting better, and the waves are getting shorter and less intense. 

I am definitely improving. But i need much more time. Never thought, that this process will take so long.

But i am pretty sure, when the next 6 month are over, it will be manageable.. I am even able to watch Netflix and co. again.. mostly in my windows.. but i can!!

 

Man, i want to time travel 12 month in the future. 6 month would be also good, but i would be finer with 12 month. I hate that suffering every day. 

 

I also noticed, when some symptoms get weaker, they come less often. 

I think the next step will be from suffering to just annoying WD feelings. That will happen in the next 6 month.

 

I will be happy, when it's my 22 birth-day in February.  Probably, that will be the start of my new live.

 

Also i have an other problem, i can't really enjoy my windows. Because i am all the time wondering when the wave will come again. I have to probably work on that. 

[Erimus]

17 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

Man, i want to time travel 12 month in the future. 6 month would be also good, but i would be finer with 12 month.

I think like this a lot. I want to skip the next 12 months and hopefully I’m in a better place. I don’t want to endure the suffering, but we have to.
 

It’s normal to live in fear of the next wave when things fluctuate so much each day. Embrace it, accept it, and learn from it. Keep weathering the storm. Like you said, when you can do more to distract time will pass more easily.

[jonah2001]

@Erimus 

Yes, I recognize that the fear of the symptoms makes it even worse. 

 

When you even worrieng in the good times, when the bad times come .. you can't enjoy the good ones.. 

 

The good thing is. I get those good times more and more often! And they come out of nowhere. 

 

Yesterday morning I felt crap. Very down and depressed. 

 

Than out of nowhere my mood changed, and I felt good for the rest of the evening.

Same the day before. 

Had that quite often in the last couple of weeks.

 

And when I am in such a phase, it feels so stable and good.. 

 

I hate the fact, that those windows just end every ******* time. 

 

Felt good, and watched Netflix. Watched some hours. 

 

And than the next day: Nope 

[Altostrata]

This definitely sounds like waves and windows.

[jonah2001]

@Altostrata Yes, the waves are getting slowly less intense. I get more and more times of feeling good. But it's completely unpredictable. 

Today, day 456 was good and not so good at the same day. I felt okay the first 7 hours of the day. Than i slowly recognized, that the symptoms are getting stronger, but not so strong as i am used to. 

 

Okay.. now i am terrible

Wtf.. from one minute to the other.. And WD goes on and on and on. Suffering every ******* day.. Non stop......

 

[jonah2001]

Okay, it's again terrible as in the beginning.. that's no live anymore.. 

 

15 month out.. my brain is dead

 

I want to die. Nothing more than dieng.. getting tortured non stop for month.. I can't handle that.. sorry 

[Altostrata]

You're going to need to remind yourself that the waves come and go and get out of the loop of catastrophizing.

[jonah2001]

Yes. It's a loop I didn't want to wish my worst enemy. 

 

Yesterday I felt very good for 10- 12 hours. 

 

And than the wave creeped back in. 

 

Today whole day not terrible but also not good.

 

Now the "wave" will peak.. like every time.. and than probably the next window will come.. 

 

It's like this very constantly since a view week's. 

 

6- 12 hours of feeling good/normal. 

(I forget about WD for a couple of hours 

 

6-7 hours not good but also not terrible..

 

and than 2-4 hours bad.

 

And than the whole thing repeats... 

I mean, wow I have many hours of feeling good..but the 

 wave part is ******* anyoying.. 

And it goes up and down.

 

I know when I feel good, I will feel bad 

[Ninabird]

Hi Jonah,

Your windows sound so wonderful. Focus on that. You are so blessed to have daily windows where before you didn’t. Healing is happening. 
🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

[Ninabird]

22 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

 

Yes. It's a loop I didn't want to wish my worst enemy

 

I may be speaking out of line but I think many who are suffering 24/7 would welcome window/wave loops. It gives you a break from the awful waves. You are doing really well Jonah. Look beyond the waves. Start a window journal. Color the page. Draw happy faces. Learn to fully take in the daily gifts you are being given. You are dwelling too much on the waves. 
Big hugs to you. HUGE! 

[KenA]

51 minutes ago, jonah2001 said:

Yes. It's a loop I didn't want to wish my worst enemy. 

 

Yesterday I felt very good for 10- 12 hours. 

 

And than the wave creeped back in. 

 

Today whole day not terrible but also not good.

 

Now the "wave" will peak.. like every time.. and than probably the next window will come.. 

 

It's like this very constantly since a view week's. 

 

6- 12 hours of feeling good/normal. 

(I forget about WD for a couple of hours 

 

6-7 hours not good but also not terrible..

 

and than 2-4 hours bad.

 

And than the whole thing repeats... 

I mean, wow I have many hours of feeling good..but the 

 wave part is ******* anyoying.. 

And it goes up and down.

 

I know when I feel good, I will feel bad 

I know its hard Jonah, but remember, you need to focus on whats positive instead of the negative!! Getting 12-14 hour windows is amazing!!! A lot of people dont get those!! You have come so far compared to where you were. Instead of "I know when I feel good, I will feel bad", reverse it to I know when I feel bad, I will feel good!! I always had very hard mornings when I was going through it, but I had really nice night's most every night. So when I would wake up and feel bad in the mornings, I would tell myself to just hang on and get through it because I was probably gonna have a nice night Focus on the positive! Over time your mindset will change and you will start to suffer less and less. Remember its how we react to things that determine if we suffer or not. You cant control the symptoms, so learn to control your reactions to them!

 

Take care,

Ken

[redkite]

HI just chipping in. I remember one night sitting on my bed in front of the fire eating boiled eggs and I was SOOOOO happy!!! I didnt go back down either. I stabilized and then cut again. Eventually you will get more stable than sad. hold on. take care of yourself  and like others have said your young. Take it from an old women(, 55,) at 22 you have a fantastic colourful life in front of you and lots of amazing things will happen and you will be OK. I had a family member come of anti depressants when he was young and he flew threw life. Hold on good times are coming!!!

[jonah2001]

@Ninabird

@KenA

@redkite

 

He guy's. 

Thank, you so much for your Wunderfull answers. 

 

Everything, what you are all saying is true! 

I also know that I have to feel bad to feel good! 

 

I also know that I am recovering and I understand the pattern and can control it. 10 Minutes ago the wave hitted the hardest point. 

I know from experience that mostly after that it will get good again. 

 

But there is always this little fear in me saying: You will get worse.. all improvement will vanish..

That's because I got so often very very hardly frustrated in this process, and had an extrem setback in Februar.. or I would say the start of the whole recovering processes. 

 

And sometimes I just use this Forum, to express my WD Emotions. Sorry guy's, that I am writing every time.. but it helps trough the hours of pain.

 

I mean, 4-5 month ago I was suffering 24/7 without any break.. and now I get such amazing windows... 

 

 

I am understanding this process. 

 

Thank you guys ❤️❤️ 

 

My success story will come!!

 

 

 

[Ninabird]

Jonah,

im so proud of you. 

[jonah2001]

@Ninabird Thank you so much. I hope you are also doing better! 

I'm almost disabled by this WD. I have a muscle cramp wave, that is so strong i can't even walk. Or take a shower. My whole body is cramping. Hope that also will go away.