checco: Severe wave in the 18th month

[Gonzo]

I know very well about all that, and how difficult and exhausting it can be. Take care and keep it up.

[checco]

Gonzo In our previous conversation I didn't know your story well, now I understand your resentment for the psychiatric system and it's understandable. I voluntarily chose psychiatric treatment for this I can only blame myself, but you Gonzo have every right to be angry. 

[Gonzo]

Yes, but don't blame yourself, you were scammed just as everyone else because psychiatry is a scam.

[checco]

Gonzo I don't blame myself, but it was my not entirely conscious choice, but no one forced me, many don't have this opportunity.

[Gonzo]

It's a choice that you made but it wasn't your fault that they didn't tell you ****. They almost never do. They're the most ignorants.

[checco]

Gonzo I thought they would help me in a difficult moment, but instead it was my downfall.

[Gonzo]

Yes, sadly, there are many cases like yours, they're just drugs, it's running away from your problems, doctors just don't tell anyone, until you stop taking the drug and the problems and reality slap you in the face again.

[checco]

In a few hours it will be 50 days without old habits, today a heavy day loneliness, tiredness, anger, feelings of revenge, fear, courage in a matter of hours everything changes for me I know that all of this is mostly a projection of my mind nothing has changed in my life to feel more alone now than in the past, this time I won't bend you would want my mind is not real . When my mood changes it forms another reality so it's not real it's just my reward system that craves dopamine it's also a bit strained by my history of antidepressants and I wouldn't know how to separate the two things but now I think I'm stable and mentally ready to face it without it destroying me. I promised myself that 2024 would be something else and it will be even just because I stopped living a life of vices that I didn't feel was mine and which was leading me to behave in dangerous and dangerous and unstable people.Before my collapse since I signed up on this site things were going well I had some waves but I was improving after that bad betrayal everything collapsed I wasn't stable enough endure all this but bad luck hit me again if I had a little more time in my journey today I would be fine but after that setback it will be much harder for me,I will have to overcome this too there is no reserve life I can change the past I will move forward with what happened to me.

[checco]

Before I had problems being active this made me feel unwell now it's the opposite if I'm lounging around it makes me feel unwell even though for the moment I have nothing to do.I can only watch a little TV that bores me or annoys me, I watch some videos on YouTube ranging from psychology, funny or mechanics but it's tiring me everything is starting to feel feeling loneliness.This is a period where I reread my past what made me end up in this tunnel of antidepressants what influenced my life what can I do to get out of it I don't want to waste any more  of the years I hope to receive good news in the coming days or months.This sense of always being in the wrong place and at the wrong time doesn't make me appreciate anything, I don't know since when I haven't been able to appreciate a good dish, many times I cook just because it's time to eat not because I need something and even if it's not the same dish it's as if I ate the same dish every night, it's just a distant memory when I ate and  I enjoyed food these drugs took away the pleasure of living when I had a healthy libido without these strange fluctuations or completely impotent or hyper sexual when I could  talk to someone without my brain sabotaging me axis. Today I'm also very sleepy, I couldn't wake up and even now I would like to sleep, this also goes from not sleeping to wanting to stay in bed for days sleeping Some time ago these phases lasted weeks, both the negative and positive ones, now they are much faster, sometimes within hours, I hope it's positive, perhaps my nervous system is much stronger than son It takes less time to reverse the trend but it is not healed enough to maintain a linear state and has to start the cycle again but being more reactive than in the past this does it in hours or even less.Because now I spend hours during the day, it can happen in the evening or in the afternoon that I feel completely normal without any symptoms and then start again the next few hours or even less.

 

[Gonzo]

I have good feelings about your recovery checco, the most important thing is that you have the spirit and will to face your life problems, that is incredibly valuable, and you also have a good understanding on how things came be like this, which is also very good.

[checco]

Gonzo I hope you are right, now I have too many ups and downs to see the situation clearly, perhaps once this phase is over things will really start to change.

[Gonzo]

Yes, you get more mental clarity as time passes without the drug. That is what is happening to me, I can confirm it. Hang on there, you're doing good.

[checco]

I continue the good resolutions of 2024, it seems that with the passage of time my vices are starting to lose effectiveness.I always have highs and lows that give me problems judging myself negatively and paying too much attention to the judgment of others and I'm paranoid and distrustful of everyone (perhaps neuroemotions) I'm trying to give less and less weight to these moods and weaken them even if I can't do it completely.I've been trying to take a break from thinking about healing and my past problems coming back and it's regenerating especially mentally.I must say that I have windows that can last from 10 minutes to 3 -4 hours where I don't have any kind of symptoms this happens almost every day this makes me hope that my brain is trying to heal and re-establish the natural balance after 25 years of antidepressants are only 24 months without drugs, they are not comparable to having 25 years of taking antidepressants.I have seen people who take these drugs for a short time and when they stop they spend years recovering, I cannot complain that in 24 months I have also had significant improvements.

[Gonzo]

checco, I experienced that distrust and paranoia during my withdrawal and when Sertraline started loosing its effectiveness. I think for me it's mostly related to unprocessed trauma but also to neuroemotions because of its intensity (I personally define neuroemotions as suppressed traumatic emotions and/or likely forgotten difficult emotions that come back multiplied in intensity for each year that they were chemically suppressed). You can reframe them as being legacy emotions coming from your (traumatic?) past, unprocessed (and forgotten) trauma or simply a consequence of withdrawal. Keep going!

[checco]

Gonzo Neuroemotions are ours, they are not caused by the drug but are amplified by the drug, my experience is this. Trauma is also amplified by these drugs if you are in withdrawal or you have a negative reaction to the drug but every difficulty or emotion or trauma is amplified so much that many times it becomes an insurmountable obstacle, in short our difficulties they are ours and the drug tends to amplify them.

[Gonzo]

Exactly. Beautifully explained. Good!

[checco]

Today the anger returned, it is always present but sometimes they are real attacks, even it is more of a mental thing than a physical one, I don't destroy anything, I don't hurt physically, but sometimes I tend to be offensive to people who have helped me a lot and are close to me and then the sense of guilt kicks in. Not having my old habits as an outlet also has an impact  in my anger, today was a bad day everything I did created problems for me, I'm trying to eliminate coffee nor I only had 1 at 12.00 and it made everything worse yesterday was not I took it and it went better until a few days ago I could even take 6 without any effect.My resentment towards a person who caused me harm, I don't understand who gave this person the right to destroy my life, I can't move on, I considered this a friend, on the other hand, has proven to be my worst enemy.

[checco]

A few days ago I started waking up very agitated again, I can rarely remember but sometimes I remember the dreams I had and they are very disturbing, since I have been using these drugs it has been getting worse I can't remember dreams and myself nor do I remember anyone it's disturbing.Now during the day I no longer have these stress peaks I feel restless but when I am not as conscious as during the day I believe they are very strong, this is why the disturbing dreams or  waking up very confused and bored of myself.They are very strong sensations like having just argued with someone or being in danger of life, even if it was improving now yes it has come back it's a bit like taking caffeine in windows I can tolerate even high doses during a wave even a single intake creates problems for me, now I can't take any, I usually use caffeine to cheer me up more , please, now I understand that during a wave it doesn't help, it can help a little with fatigue but then I'm too agitated to sleep and the cycle repeats itself endlessly, I've learned that it's better for me not to take anything now even Omega-3 if increasing the dose during a wave tends to have an activating effect.

[Gonzo]

The anger, the hate, and other intense emotions come and go, they're normal, understandable, logical, meaningful, and transient, but they can also be very distressing, confusing and problematic, try to normalize them, they're transient, they can come from the past, from forgotten events, it doesn't matter really, they're temporary, except if you resist to them. Psychiatry teach us to resist those emotions but that's exactly why they're here now, again, because no one helped us to process them so they're coming back to be reprocessed once more.

[checco]

Gonzo Now they are very unconscious and it's out of my control they show up when I'm not conscious when I'm asleep as soon as I open my eyes, during the day when I'm conscious I don't have these extremes.

[Gonzo]

That's the thing, IMO, don't try to control them, those emotions and feelings are temporary, they will pass. Be sure about it.

[checco]

Gonzo  True 

[checco]

Today was a terrible day, I had no energy to do anything, completely unmotivated and dull, I hadn't been in this state for weeks.I continue the good resolutions of 2024, no porn, no prostitutes, even though for the moment I have no sexual urge. I no longer have these variations in a day today the symptoms have been linear it seems that they are more bearable and less disturbing, the highs and lows of the past few days took away a lot of energy from me Tomorrow I will try to do something to distract myself I have to cut wood if the weather permits I will also do it if in the last few days I have done something on the car when I am busy at least the time it passes more quickly even if during a wave everything seems to be plotting against me' I get pain all over my back and legs and a tiredness comes over me that seems unnatural, this is when I'm in  a window doesn't happen yes I'm tired when I do something heavy but I'm not devastated and I don't have all those pains it seems more natural and normal.Even this excessive tiredness seems more like a mental thing than a physical one because when I'm in a window I don't feel like an old man of 70 after having done a job, I can't do anything other than do  spending time is keeping myself a little active without exaggerating, with idleness because even that becomes a problem if you exaggerate it creates symptoms it increases the fog celebrating is making me feel uncomfortable socially. With this brain fog I am very limited and unclear and difficult to socialize or make a complete speech. These drugs make you hypersensitive to stress even afterwards the suspension during a wave I can't handle any type of stress even the most insignificant thing creates problems for me I hope all this has an end, I say to myself but how have you reduced yourself , life should be lived not avoided or postponed but I can't I'm not clear at the moment I don't have any future prospects at the moment I feel useless if I were completely alone maybe I wouldn't resist but I still have someone who loves me and who needs me, I don't want to run away from my responsibilities I hope this bad page has an end and I can live and I have try to live a normal life and be 100x100 me without seeming dull with no energy and no personality.

[checco]

Today was also a hard day, better than yesterday but not by much, I didn't take caffeine, this seems to help. Everything is too much for me' at the moment news is TV in general Even YouTube is starting to bother me. It's like a rubber wall, I can't break it down, the more I hit it, the more it tires me without even having scratched it. Currently after some improvements I'm stuck in a regression that I didn't think possible .O For a few days the old impulses have returned but I don't intend to fall back into the old patterns to release the tension I have to resist, going back won't bring me anything good, on the contrary it will do me fall even lower.

[checco]

Today was an overall calm day with less fog and a little less tense celebration. I continue with good intentions, the cravings make themselves felt but I try to resist even if I continue and repeat myself I have to try to change behaviors and put an end to them. I'm in a state of waiting, waiting for them to tell me an outcome that can influence my future and my present but it hasn't arrived yet and this also gives me a feeling of uselessness that everything what I'm doing is useless but I don't want to go back.

[checco]

Yesterday I watched some porn to relieve the tension a bit, maybe it's a bit too much, I'm uploading too much, in any case I've been 66 days without having paid sex and this is positive starting tomorrow  I will also start abstaining from porn again since I have had a 66 day break from Escorts, now it will be easier to abstain from porn too While I was watching porn I felt very strange as if I had taken a drug I think my serotonin and dopamine neurotransmitters are already very dysregulated from many interruptions from antidepressants so I want to get rid of these addictions to give more stability to my nervous system. Now I feel a bit strange I didn't sleep at all all night yesterday I did a very heavy job which gives me physical problems back pain legs arms and so it's understandable that I'm not very busy at the moment and tomorrow I have to do another morning of exhausting work which requires a lot of physical effort but I have to do it I hope I don't come out too battered.

[Gonzo]

How are you doing checco?