checco: Severe wave in the 18th month

[checco]

Yesterday I found a video on YouTube that talks about the damage that psychotropic drugs cause to your mitochondria, and this can cause muscle pain if I have to do some work that requires a bit of effort My body hurts completely, recently I've been using CQ10 + Creatine and my energy seems to be improving, I didn't think that CQ10 was so activating when taken during lunch it doesn't seem to activate yesterday when taken in the afternoon and it was like taking Cocaine I was hyper alert and I didn't sleep much I will only take it during lunch. My main problem is anhedonia, muscle pain, ruminant thoughts anxiety especially if I stay too inactive I have something activating happen this seemed to improve as time went by but after mid July I went back to when I started before finding this site I was destroyed by stopping taking the drug and starting again I did it at least 1 time with sertraline then at least 3 times with mirtazepine I was hit like this  so hard that I couldn't even drive or have 10 minutes of peace, this lasted quite a while, does this trend have any effect even today with what I'm experiencing. I don't I could have known that these repeated withdrawals would hurt me so much as I regret having used these drugs they have destroyed my life I very much doubt I will be able to have one.

[checco]

For anyone who is interested in what I wrote about the boy who attempted suicide he died this morning RIP IN PEACE you were a good person I'm so sorry.

[checco]

I haven't been very well I've had two Covid tests and both are positive now I should talk to the doctor even if he's not here on Sunday I think it makes sense I've never been so bad I thought it was a seasonal illness but I think it's covid I hope they give me a treatment that works I was taking paracetamol but it had no effect. The symptoms I felt before are at least 10 more intense times.

[Rosetta]

I’m sorry about your relative, Checco.  That is so very sad.  -Rosetta

[checco]

Rosetta, I'm so sorry too, having Covid I can't even go to the funeral in this period nothing is going as it should.🤕😓

[checco]

Everything has changed again, now I sleep too much and my libido has completely disappeared (maybe it's better this way I can't stand hypersexuality and it makes me feel subhuman) even if it completes it Genital anesthesia makes me feel low in energy and with low motivation. Covid also seems to be improving although I'm still positive, all that's left is a bit of a cough and excessive sweating,anxiety comes and goes even if it seems to improve even the obsessive thoughts seem less and less intense. 

[checco]

I have been negative for covid for at least two weeks, the symptoms seem to decrease in intensity. I also noticed that if I take lamictal late I can't sleep even if I take 1.5 mg, according to my psychiatrist I should take 200 mg + 30 mg of mirtazepine + benzodiazepines I don't remember the name and she is convinced that take all these drugs if I took all those drugs I would be a zombie or an automaton, it would be a challenge to scale up those doses if I had given in and taken all those drugs I would never have been able to go back. Yet for now things seem to be improving even without all those drugs, then reading many stories on this site many times such an overdosage ends up making things worse.I wish I didn't have to lie to my psychiatrist, I know he wouldn't understand since I can't afford anything other than what the national service gives me. I'd like to tell you something that happened to me when I was ill nor did I take the opportunity to be prescribed lamictal but I was prescribed another mood stabilizer I went back to my psychiatrist but he wasn't there but there was a substitute I had to say that the drug was prescribed to me in the past and I had an adverse reaction the psychiatrist who replaced me said he could not prescribe lamictal Because they were two completely different drugs so he decided to call my psychiatrist who said it was fine it was his second choice while the other one said they were completely different is that one cannot replace the other, which seemed very disturbing to me, as if they had studied in two different schools, the experience confirmed to me that psychiatry is Russian roulette especially when it comes to psychotropic drugs, the problem is based on trial and error and that this is done on the skin of the patients who pay the bill even with their lives. This  experience dissuaded me from following my psychiatrist's instructions.

[checco]

I managed to do some jobs that I had been putting off for years plus other unforeseen events without being overwhelmed by tiredness or anger, I was able to experience sensations that I hadn't felt for a long time afterwards having taken these drugs, the pleasure of eating something good and savoring it with gusto. It seems that after a bad blow there are improvements even sexual impulses seem more normal and the less ill I am, I am able to have more coherent and less Machiavellian thoughts. Having taken these drugs for 25 years, perhaps it takes time to return to normality, I am able to experience emotions, sensations  which I had forgotten by now, sometimes they don't last long, it's as if my true way of being was emerging, it's my personality which I only remember slightly after so many years on these drugs. I drink  coffee without effects even some energy drinks I think I have made a very important leap forward towards healing not all evils have a silver lining even if this period has been I thought I couldn't make it so hard, it seems like it's over.

[Go2zero]

Great to hear. These are clear signs that your you are healing! This takes time. You may have waves and windows. But that is part of the healing process and most of us experience that.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Go2zero

[checco]

Go2zero What you say is very true, today was a very strange day with ruminations and not anxiety but aggression, today I was about to have a car accident through no fault of my own and yet I managed to kept calm and I avoided the collision, if it had happened to me months ago my heart would have jumped into my throat and I would have been agitated for at least 2 days or more but today the danger passed and I imminent no anger or anxiety or crazy thoughts it surprised me too I hope for a new beginning and to truly discover who I am I doubt that the person I have been in these years is me.The most important improvement was the tiredness and the physical resistance, now I can do more things, I go longer and I no longer procrastinate on what I have to do, what worries me is an excessive hungry for food that reminds me of when I quit smoking as if my body needed to recover and cleanse itself.

[checco]

Today I faced that person who defamed me. I was very aggressive but I managed to think even in the heat. I told him everything I wanted to tell him and I must say that my nerves they're holding up well for now, if I go back I wouldn't have stood up, I'd be so nervous that I wouldn't be able to think straight or stay calm, let's say that lately I've been surprising myself,I'm still not completely out but I can see some improvements even though right now I feel empty I would just like to sleep but I prefer to wait until night to sleep, lately I wake up At 3 in the morning I can't fall asleep then during the day I get sleepy and it's something that bothers me. This period, the last 7 months have been devastating, I even thought about suicide but it seems It's stronger than I think. I just wanted to be left alone, I never talk about anyone, but if you really have to talk about it, talk well about someone, especially if you know how depressed I am.  I understand everything, but I don't understand malice towards a suffering human being. I thank the people who have been close to me, those who have put in a good word for me, those who have  turned the knife in the wound I hope they are clear with their conscience. Now this person denies what he said but I immediately understood what he did the moment he did it, his wife said that he feels bad now, it wasn't my intention and I certainly didn't want him to feel bad, but I've been feeling bad for months because of him, I didn't want him to feel bad but I have little compassion for him. 

[Go2zero]

HI Checco,

 

It feels so powerful what you write. Compare this with your first post. I feel you are growing and growing and getting stronger and stronger.  Beautiful what you write about feeling compassion. 🙏

[checco]

Go2zero thank you for your attention now I would have the opportunity to attack this person but I am different from him I have no masks and I don't want to attack his already tormented family I would just like close this affair and limit the damage for me and for him too, I will not destroy him as he did with me, I am different from this person.

[Go2zero]

2 hours ago, checco said:

Go2zero thank you for your attention now I would have the opportunity to attack this person but I am different from him I have no masks and I don't want to attack his already tormented family I would just like close this affair and limit the damage for me and for him too, I will not destroy him as he did with me, I am different from this person.

 

Compassion and respect will come back to you as self love and self respect. Hatred will come back as hatred. I think you are very wise to show compassion! 🙏

[checco]

Go2zero Thank you for your words, I believe that this event has had the merit of making me understand that I have to change many things in my life and that I need to start living again, I have to try to overcome many traumas is finding a new self, I believe that life sends messages, this is what happened to me, it tells me that I can't put it off anymore, I have to wait for better days, I have to try to live and be who I truly am with courage or put off this moment for too long.

[Go2zero]

40 minutes ago, checco said:

Go2zero Thank you for your words, I believe that this event has had the merit of making me understand that I have to change many things in my life and that I need to start living again, I have to try to overcome many traumas is finding a new self, I believe that life sends messages, this is what happened to me, it tells me that I can't put it off anymore, I have to wait for better days, I have to try to live and be who I truly am with courage or put off this moment for too long.

 

This sound very powerful @checco!  Great to see how you have grown since you came here! 🙏

[checco]

Go2zero It was a bad blow that even now has its effects, watching a video of a psychologist I follow on YouTube he says :Sometimes Sometimes you have to be grateful even if it hurts you it can help you understand who you really are and what you want from life. Yesterday I overdid it with caffeine and today was a day of anxiety and discomfort especially if I stay in bed, but today I decided to take a day without doing anything since it's also a holiday here in Italy, I abstained from coffee today, I went months without drinking it and now that I tolerate it more I don't realize that I exaggerate, even physical resistance seems to improve if I look back even on psychotropic drugs I got tired immediately I was slowed down both mentally and physically now it seems like I'm physically back to before I took these meds although it does come and go I'm still not at my best. Thank you for your interest and encouragement, I wish you the best.

[Go2zero]

The symptoms and changes in how you feel are very common in the healing process. They may come and go for longer or shorter times. This is different for everyone. But they will go over time. I wish you a good further recovering. You positive attitude and compassion will be a great help in the healing process. 🙏

[checco]

Go2zero Thank you, your words are very reassuring even if my well-being is in spurts at least it makes me understand how I will be when this ends, I thank you for having found this site and for this reason I have not I took the drugs prescribed by my psychiatrist, now I would be a zombie and I have no future prospects. I no longer believe that these drugs are useful, in fact I believe they are very harmful.

[Go2zero]

12 hours ago, checco said:

I no longer believe that these drugs are useful, in fact I believe they are very harmful.

 

This is also my belief.

[checco]

An update I can do many things in a day if I think back to a few months ago I was able to do one thing and then I had to stay in bed for days, sometimes weeks or months, now I can do everything I still have flashbacks that take me back but they don't last very long and even if they are present I can manage them better than before, even the sexual sphere seems more normal without peaks in both of me I'm starting to appreciate a beautiful face, a voice, a beautiful smile.Not long ago I went from being a maniac to being completely helpless I thought I would never recover I almost didn't remember how to live without being influenced by drugs and from the abstinence after I hope that it continues to improve even though it looks promising after 2 years of abstinence which had ups and downs, even though after the last crisis which was so intense also the improvements have been greater, I'm only concerned about the increased food consumption which I have to remedy, after having stopped smoking and mirtazepine was a disaster I have to try not to reduce myself as in the past.I wish happy holidays to everyone especially to those who suffer on this site I hope and know that things will improve for you too you have to resist there is nothing else you can do in my worst periods I have tried every type of supplements or stimulants only made the situation worse and I didn't even realize while taking them, only when I stopped them I realized what they were causing me.In conclusion it's not going very well but if I look back I thank God that I got to this point.

[Go2zero]

Good to read how you see yourself how you have been healing since you came here. As said before, healing goes with ups and downs, windows and waves. This is completely common. And this takes time. But over time the good periods will become more and the bad ones will become less. No one can predict how long this will take. Everybody heals differently. But it is so clear that you are healing! So happy for you!

 

Take care! 🙏

[checco]

Go2zero  What you say is very true, I hope you are well too, today too I went out in the morning and drove 120 km to make purchases in various shops then I had lunch and I went to finish some work a few minutes ago months ago I wouldn't have been able to do it, this takes me back to when I was younger and I hadn't taken any psychiatric drugs yet, maybe it seems like I'm complaining but that's not the case,I'm very relieved to have gotten to this point but I think this is just the beginning I have brief moments that I'm really good and I think this is the finish line that at least now I see first I can't even imagine. I'm happy that I never gave up and that I moved forward even crawling, no pain is forever, sooner or later it passes or you give it meaning.

[Go2zero]

16 minutes ago, checco said:

I'm happy that I never gave up and that I moved forward even crawling, no pain is forever, sooner or later it passes or you give it meaning.

You are a great example for lots of members here!

 

Lots of us come to periods where we feel we will never heal. But even that can be seen as a withdrawal symptom.

 

The ones here that stick to the tapering rules and have real discipline in doing so, will surely make it. Although it can be very tough during periods. Most of us know what I mean. I experience it myself also still now and then...

[checco]

Go2zero Thank you for your words, now I'm trying to take some time to see my situation more clearly my situation I don't want to bite off more than I can chew I'm a bit afraid that by pushing too hard you don't risk crashing again. I hope that the new year is a new beginning, today I feel a little lost and helpless this worries me even if I think it's normal it's not possible always be positive, this happens especially in the evening when I'm lying in bed with my phone doing nothing. Some time ago I spent weeks or months in this state. lying in bed 24 hours a day in the grip of anxiety that I was shaking it's a mind that always thought of the worst and you have worst scenarios (now that I think about it it was the opposite of now I had some relief in the hours of the evening).Today I faced an unpleasant situation with courage and all in all it went well, then I also had the impulse to pay a prostitute to have sex but then I thought with those Money what can I buy I needed a bench vice and I bought the vice now every time I see it I think that the money I spend on sex can be spent on something more useful and lasting. I see many girls, even very young drug addicts, who are like the walking dead, having had a drug addict brother, it disheartens me I know what life they lead, drugs make them fall further and further down, this girl wanted to have an unprotected relationship to which I opposed, now they no longer give value to their life or that of others and it is also dangerous to frequent these people and these environments, enough is enough, I have to give it a rest, perhaps sex is much more satisfying with a person who feels something given my history I have never tried to involve another person even though the opportunities have not been lacking.Writing here is very therapeutic I have been following and reading this site since mid 2019 and here I feel at home, I thought it was only me who was wrong I would never have believed that it was abstinence from drugs or the drugs themselves causing my discomfort and also seeing that I was not the only one I cannot express in words my gratitude for what this site does for free with people who yes they commit free of charge only those who have truly suffered can do this so thank you very much everyone.

[checco]

Today was a very bad day, I slept very little, I think it's because I overdid it with the coffee, a day with many intrusive thoughts and I think the issue with that person is not yet  closed now the wife has started to do it again I just wanted to close it without consequences I just hope it isn't like this otherwise I will be forced to take action, many times it almost seems like there it's an entity that tries to destroy you before all this happened it was a quiet period with ups and downs but I was making progress there were some improvements I just hope they aren't passengers this scares me today I have no incentive to eat I ate little and now I have a stomach ache I hope it's not a wave even if the symptoms are all there but we'll see for sure Even if it's a wave you can't escape, let's hope it's lighter than the previous one.

[checco]

I believe that the malaise is due to paraflu symptoms although it is difficult to distinguish them from a wave, my experience has made me understand that if I start to feel very cold I am paraflu symptoms today a little better than yesterday. When some health problems arise the others also get worse I remember when I had covid and I felt like a dog even the withdrawal symptoms they got worse it was terrible then it also happened that a relative of mine committed suicide and that also affected me a lot I still don't believe it when I see a car similar to his I think of him poor guy I see his son who is autistic he is always on the street taking pictures of cars with his phone I wonder if he noticed his father's death. I suspect he was taking psychotropic drugs before the suicide, recently 2 guys have committed suicide, a girl in her 20s, one after the other, even for them I still have a doubt, they prescribe this stuff to you as if it were a godsend  I think it's the opposite and something from hell.

[checco]

The last two days have been better, although a little cortisol in the morning. The holidays, especially Christmas, make me very melancholy, not having a life makes me think about what I have lost in all these years, being 42, I don't know if I will be able to have one, it will be part of my brain which in many years of pseudo care tends to react exaggeratedly to any stimulus to melancholy to anger and frustration, I have glimmers of clarity where I can give the right weight to all of this gives me hope for the future, the fog of celebration returns but only for a few hours less before it was a constant thing and persisted throughout the day for weeks, months, years. I wish you happy holidays.

[checco]

An episode from many years ago comes to mind: I was taking escitalopram, it seems to me, and I stopped it without any relief, I turned into a vampire who didn't go out into the sunlight, I slept through   day and stayed awake at night, I couldn't have a minimum of sociality I remember that a psychiatrist came to my house and gave me an injection I don't remember what it was from there there was an improvement until that it no longer worked, I got tired of taking them due to the side effects and another crisis occurred, it's a vicious circle, I know a person who has been taking these drugs for at least 40 years now He takes a terrifying amount of drugs, practically every time he takes them he has to consume half the bottle, and then he takes various types of tablets all concentrated in the active ingredient, and yet despite taking it all  these drugs go into crisis every 3 months and must change drugs or increase the dose, if these drugs work because these crises continue. How can you prescribe a medicine that even many psychiatrists candidly admit that they don't know exactly what they do or whether they interfere in other cerebral processes. If you take a medicine for your heart or for diabetes you can see the benefits in light tests but with antidepressants this is not possible even if one gets worse after taking it, the fault is not of the drug but of the patient, I don't understand why the community Scientific research does not take sites like this seriously but they persist in taking those who write on the internet as those who believe in UFOs and yet a scientist's duty to verify is not to follow the dogma. I have never heard a person who has taken these drugs speak highly of it.

[checco]

Volevo condividere una cosa che mi è venuta in mente, oggi mentre mi stavo radendo mi sono tagliato e la ferita ha smesso di sanguinare quasi subito, ricordo che quando prendevo mirtazepina in piccolissime dosi da 1ml era normale che sanguinassi tutta la mattina dopo essermi ferita me stesso mentre mi faccio la barba, quindi mi chiedo quanto siano potenti questi farmaci anche a piccole dosi, questo è successo anche a dosi inferiori a 1 ml. Adesso prendo 1,1 ml di lamictal e questo non succede anche se conto di diminuire ulteriormente fino a rimuoverlo del tutto, forse più lentamente, forse alcuni problemi che ho avuto ultimamente sono dovuti a tagli troppo rapidi.  

[checco]

I thought about how strange life is, I talked about that story that happened to me Involved thanks to this person who double-crossed me, now it seems that the parties have reversed what he wanted to do to me, now it's happening to him, I didn't want to hurt them too much but I wanted him to experience the situation he put me in and I succeeded I think he will think twice before doing it to someone else, I made a promise when this happened to myself not I would have argued with all the flying monkeys he sent against me but he would have been the one to pay the price, it wasn't my choice but he was the one who caused everything even though I didn't step on the path hand but he had to pay a price for what I think I actually proved that I'm not the person he thought I was and that maybe I thought you were too. I understood what he had done straight away, I waited for the right moment and turned the situation in my favor without hurting them too much, for now I can't forgive maybe in the future not so much for me but being relatives there are those in my family who are very close to them I certainly will also resume relationships there I will no longer turn my back on him or anyone. Health These days I have back pain which is giving me problems even though I can do everything I have to go back on a diet after the holidays😓 after the mirtazepine and having stopped smoking it is even more of a problem the weight increases the more my back bothers me now I have to try to stay calm and not overdo it and keep a low profile at least for a while until I understand who's a friend who's not who's who try to get on the bandwagon who are also the first to get off the first hole is to become your persecutors.

[checco]

I was asked to write my success story, but for now I wouldn't say it's good but it's not bad either it's a break it's been a very exhausting time. I'll write the story successful when I'm sure that this nightmare is over, I've read many success stories that are a little too hasty and then I go back to the starting point, I believe that when this ends definitively I'll understand. After a period where I was sleeping without taking melatonin, I am now taking it again but nothing, the muscle pain has returned, I don't understand why there are periods that these pains do not appear even if I do heavy things, it is a period that even if I am completely rested these pains are present, I don't have many mental symptoms, rumination and almost disappearance or a bit of fog celebrate it's late afternoon I get sleepy and then disappear when I should be sleeping 😓. I have a lot of faith in this new year I think it's the turning point year I feel it inside, after everything that happened to me or developed a little more resilience. I write as if it were a diary, by rereading it I can understand the improvements and it is also therapeutic. I recommend it to everyone  Many psychologists also recommend doing so during therapy. My feeling is that my success story is coming, I can feel it.

[checco]

I have now seen the opening page of the site very well, it provides very useful information for those who enter this site for the first time and the clarity of doing it alone simplifies the path . Today was a quiet day, nothing special, after taking 1 sachet of magnesium, potassium and vitamin C all in the same sachet, I slept like a log, I even woke up late, it had been a while that I hadn't been sleeping so well, since yesterday I started taking fish oil again, I had stopped all the supplements for a while because they were having a paradoxical effect, they were making me more agitated, now it seems that have a better effect perhaps it was appropriate to stop taking it and start again months later for now it seems to help, especially for the famous fog I have seen that Omega-3 and the magnesium helps in case of high cortisol I will be careful that adverse effects do not return as in the past. For now I am broke I also have imminent expenses but I have someone who helps me and has always helped me helped I have few expenses I don't have to pay the rent I have no children or ex wives I hope to get out of this situation as soon as possible find a job and live a normal life already thinking of finding a work is a step forward before or I didn't think about it or I was getting anxious now. Today I drove in bad weather, rain, wind, a terrible time, gusts of wind so strong that they made me skid I love driving, traveling, it helps me to clear my head and think. I'm still hyper alert and also hypersensitive to the stress and anger that they bring me, especially anger, I get a tremor.   internally I believe this is a legacy of the antidepressants taken although it seems less than in the past it was stronger that I was shaking even on the outside one day I got angry with a neighbor who that I was scolding him and I was shaking noticeably now it seems less and it lasts much less.I see psychology videos and Jung on YouTube, there is a huge difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist, the psychologist tries to direct the patient towards himself and to use and understand his own forces the psychiatrist tries to get rid of him as soon as possible with the miraculous antidepressants. When I talk to a psychiatrist I'm very careful about what I say, it's like they're studying you and they're trying to trap me, I have to steal who knows what secret I don't trust them even before  find this site, I hope that in the not too distant future I will no longer have to visit psychiatrists now I am forced to be helped financially 🙏🙏🙏

[checco]

Today was a very bad day, after everything that happened to me because of this person I am developing very aggressive behavior, it doesn't take much for me to seek a confrontation, I don't want to become that kind of person, today I tried fasting to see if the situation improved, I felt more lucid but in the afternoon I felt almost as bad as the beginning of this diary after taking some magnesium and improving a little, I resolved to never reduce myself to that state again. It's a very humiliating and degrading thing, seeing people who I previously thought were friends or friendly. becoming like this was a shock, in this period I got closer to God and maybe he gave me a hand too, it's not going very well in the past few days I've done some work on my car I'm a self-taught this allows me to have to save a lot by having to pay someone to do it, I just had to replace the brake pads as I remove the wheel I notice a broken axle shaft boot and the other one was about to break I replace it everything then even the triangle is broken I replace it I open the bonnet and the tray of the refrigerant is empty I fill it up to see the leak I find the leak I replace the part and now it seems fine I often have €100 if I had to pay a mechanic I can't afford it, tomorrow I have to chopping wood to heat myself I should have done it today but due to setbacks I didn't do it, magnesium and potassium help but I'm afraid of overdoing it in the dark times during this journey I exaggerated with magnesium it triggered gastritis which forced me to go to the emergency room at least three times. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day than today I can't do anything else I had a small  reduction of lamictal and let's see how it goes at the moment it seems like I'm passing through this rush of malaise I hope that sooner or later this torture will end when it seems like you find the way but then you can't find any more signs that show you the middle and you have to go back and very frustrating, I'm also trying not to look at pornographic material or sex and I've seen that this also causes withdrawal problems similar, I promised myself that in 2024 I would stop porn, it's paid sex and so far I've resisted, I've also been clean for 18 days from withdrawal problems that join the others, I don't want to going back to old habits but it is very difficult, I believe this is the first step towards a more worthy and healthy life.

[checco]

Today was hard it all started during the night I slept very little in the morning I was apathetic and I didn't do anything I stayed in bed all day with a lot of fog celebrating negative thoughts and rumination I don't know if it's the cut of lamictal Although I don't think it's due to that, I was thinking that maybe I'll try not taking any more supplements even when I try to reduce caffeine I get a kind of withdrawal I become very sleepy and anxious. I hope to sleep and see how tomorrow goes I hope better I'm trying to find the motivation inside to face even the worst that will come when time passes and I will keep the promise that I have done no more porn or paid sex I think I have developed an addiction to this too, before taking these drugs I was not prone to addictions I was a great alcohol drinker I stopped overnight and it didn't cause me any problems the same for cannabis after these drugs and and as if I need something to act as a crutch now it's coffee to give me energy in the morning I don't know if this thing has an end but I understand that it won't be a pill I have to ask you remedy of this I'm sure. Now I haven't looked at porn for 18 days and I haven't gone to a prostitute, enough with that life.

[checco]

Today was a fairly quiet day I didn't take any supplements I didn't sleep much but better than last night let's hope it lasts over time even though I'm trying to live well even when I am not well