Arisotura - venlafaxine withdrawals and destabilization

[Arisotura]

In uni there was that guy I had a crush on. It was before my transition, and I figured he would be straight like everybody else was, so I just thought I had no chance. But I still wanted to connect with him and get closer.

 

It didn't help that I was doing it in an awkward and cringe way. But eventually he was trying to avoid me, subtly at first, but in a more and more obvious way.

 

I didn't want to realize that fact because I was stuck in my fantasy. When I did, I lashed out at him.

 

-

 

I think I'm afraid of reproducing the same thing if I try connecting with someone.

 

I always feel that IRL nobody really wants to connect with me, that it's always me putting in all the effort and them just politely putting up with me. The moment I stop trying, the other party does nothing and probably just forgets about me.

 

It's also like that when I try connecting with new people. I've been to badminton for months and made zero new connections. Sometimes we exchange phone numbers but that's it. Past that step, they never initiate anything. If I try to initiate something, it's always the same thing -- they barely respond, and it becomes apparent that trying to do anything is going to be a major headache, and they probably don't really want to in the first place, so I stop trying. I hate to open the text convo and see that it's just a wall of unresponded one-sided  "hey wanna hang out?". At some point it feels like I'm harassing people who want nothing to do with me.

 

Why that is, I have no ******* idea. Guess I'm uninteresting or something? But the end result is there.

 

-

 

As for dating signals, if someone is into me, they will need to send explicit signals. Anything else could mean anything, so I won't bother -- I'm sure to be rejected.

 

I don't send signals at all until I see something explicit, either, because otherwise it would just get me rejected.

 

But either way, I can dream. If I can't even connect with people, dating is pure fantasy.

 

-

 

This is always how I feel about socializing. I see others socializing and connecting naturally, and I feel skipped over no matter how hard I'm trying -- at best they just politely put up with me, but it's clearly not the same.

 

The only thing that changes is whether I'm able to ignore it and pretend everything is fine, or I'm not and I have a breakdown.

 

On certain occasions, like my birthday, the truth becomes painfully apparent.

 

-

 

@Onmyway I didn't mean to reject your offer for CBT. It's just... how do I explain this?

 

I already have some automatic thoughts I'm really not a fan of. I try everything I can to get rid of them -- ignoring them, turning them into ridicule, testing and disproving them. Nothing works. It either makes no difference or adds to the automatic thought mess. Things stick in my brain and make a mess but don't necessarily lead to change.

 

I'm legitimately afraid of CBT leading to a similar outcome.

[Arisotura]

I'm sorry for the mess. I'm feeling a bit better... 'better' as in, less willing to think about these things and ruminate.

 

I feel at a loss though.

 

It's not like I want to be depressed. I hate the implications that I can just "decide" this.

 

Throughout the last years, I have been to therapy. The only time it helped was when I was on venlafaxine, before that I had monthly breakdowns and we made no progress. But when I was medicated, it seemed to make a change, and I was genuinely feeling better about myself.

 

And now what? The first breakdown and all that progress flies out the window. Back to square one. Same old stuff.

 

In a few days I will probably feel better again, but then what? I will inevitably have another breakdown, and I will inevitably make a mess again.

 

I feel trapped in a cycle that I just can never break out of. My willpower doesn't matter, the feelings take me and they are overwhelming. And they have actual material to go from, too. There's only so much reason and logic and positive thinking I can throw at them, but they end up outweighing all of it to the point it feels like I'm just in denial about things.

 

I'm genuinely feeling defeated.

 

I will see a doctor Wednesday, because I'm really concerned about my estradiol dosage being too low and messing things up.

 

But other than that, I don't know what I can do. Withdrawals? I don't even know anymore. I was also depressed before taking antidepressants, before taking drugs or anything. I don't think just waiting out the withdrawals will make this go away. It's part of me at this point.

 

The "feeling content and stagnating" state venlafaxine put me in almost sounds appealing. But even that wasn't permanent.

 

-

 

I would like to know what I can do to finally break out of this cycle. Ideally something that doesn't involve psychiatric drugs.

 

Would CBT do it? I feel that it will be the same -- any progress will quickly fly out the window at the next breakdown.

[Onmyway]

Nobody chooses to be depressed. But people can decide to take steps to help themselves. CBT is not hard. But you have to do it. A therapist will not fix this, healing has to be lead by you. Nobody is asking you to start thinking positive and shove bad things down, I suggested applying evidence based tools to help your mood. Yes, progress may halt at your next breakdown at which point you pick up yourself again and start again but from a better place. 

 

There are no guarantees in life - no guarantees that you will be liked or not rejected or you will not have breakdowns. We just trudge along hoping for the best and doing our best along the way. 

Edited April 1 by Onmyway

[Arisotura]

You're right. I guess I'm losing faith in myself.

 

9 hours ago, Onmyway said:

We just trudge along hoping for the best and doing our best along the way. 

This reminds me of how I've felt these last months: hopeless. No hope for the world, "community", and scared about the future.

 

For someone like me (neuroatypical, sensitive, ADHD, ...) it's already hard enough to function in society, to hold a job. I've done that for two years,  at the expense of my mental health.

 

The trend is clearly to things becoming more difficult. Less welfare, less worker rights, more pressure, everything getting more expensive faster than income can keep up. And nothing can stop that trend. It's a steamroller.

 

I want to try thinking of alternatives I can do, other types of job, or alternate lifestyles entirely. But I feel that there aren't many viable options, and the only thing I can realistically do is more office jobs. Sitting at a desk all day long for most of my time, and mindfulness-ing myself into thinking that is okay. Or living off welfare when possible, but the longer I take and the harder it will be to get another job.

 

Typing this is making me cry. I can't even imagine a future for me that sounds desirable, that would give me actual will to live.

 

The only thing that could put an end to this, and actually offer a somewhat desirable future, would be some revolution. But let's be honest, that's a pipe dream.

 

I have lost faith in humanity, in the future, in the world.

 

 

[Arisotura]

Wanted to say sorry for the mess.

 

You know how my E dosage was reduced to 2mg/day? I think that has been largely responsible for it. That dosage isn't enough for me. It caused tiredness, depression, and also some GI trouble. I reverted to 4mg/day two days ago and I'm already feeling better.

 

I'm going to see a doctor so that I can try a blood test at a different lab. I see no reason why a HRT regimen that has worked fine for years would suddenly yield vastly different results. My endo was as clueless as me on this one, but I think lowering the dose is a bad idea.

 

-

 

I was thinking of the board game club idea, and what went to my mind was, how would I even insert myself into it, they will be in pre-existing friend groups, etc.

 

It reminds me of when I played badminton. I was alone, and most people come in groups of 2 or 4, so it was hard for me to fit in. Most of the time, I did find my place, but on a bad day I could decide to just give up and go back home after a couple unsuccessful attempts.

 

My fear of rejection is holding me back.

 

Sure, I can sit and wait for an explicit invitation, but that doesn't work as well.

 

I'll look into CBT therapists in my area.

[Arisotura]

Status update.

 

I'm feeling better these days, so I definitely think that the previous depression burst was induced by my hormones being too low. I'm still waiting for the lab results about this.

 

In the meantime I've been socializing and all. I'm noticing that I'm feeling more confident, more overt.

 

Still getting mild withdrawal symptoms. Occasional headache and such.

 

The most annoying one is this constant feeling of fatigue, and the feeling that my sleep is shallow. Are there any supplements I can take to help with that?